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Ever Sit Back..

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Ever Sit Back..

Posted December 9th, 2010 at 11:15 PM by Kura
Updated December 9th, 2010 at 11:23 PM by Kura

Do you ever sit back and wonder that you are the way you are not mostly by your accomplishments, but rather, by the things you fear and the experiences that you've dreaded? Ever wonder how much, really, have those sour times in life impacted choices you've made in the present?

Sometimes I think about this, and although I wouldn't change my life at the given moment, I find it difficult to really take this idea and swallow it. It impacts almost everything, even if you've moved on from the past.

And sometimes, it's seen through slight hesitance in replying to a certain question.. or simply avoiding something plain and simple.

I'll give you all an example:
For me, when I was a kid running around in gradeschool, I had a couple crushes. And for me, writing the last name of the person I had a crush on onto something I owned (a piece of paper, a binder, even doodling on my own arm with a sparkly gel pen) made me feel closer to them. I remember, later, hesitating to admit that I was in love with someone, because I thought their last name was something ridiculous.
Sounds completely off the wall, doesn't it? Well I'll agree, it is pretty out there.. but if you were to value a name and have the words speak an identity to you.. then would you not also hesitate?
If you loved a man named (let's just say for the sake of it) Henry Rapist.. would you be weary of the potential possibility of having your own name, your own identity, changed to that of Rapist? It's a pretty worrying thing.
And for me, my name is uncommon. You can type me in on google and you'll get me and pages from me on 80% of the front page as different links. And it's pretty important as to what I aspire to but that's a whole other story.
But that's not my point. Throw your whole WELL I AIN'T GONN' GET MARRIED argument out the door. That's not what we're talking about.. and you know it's not what we're talking about. I'm being rhetorical here.
Regardless, I wont argue that it was foolish.. nor was it really conscious. But it was actually the whole thing about names and the power of names. Being called names in the past.. or having certain words of endearment to me (I never use the same word of endearment to other people. If I call one person "Honey" then I will never call another person "Honey")
But anyways.. now I'm beginning to ramble..

What I wanted to say.. is that sometimes words sting.. or sometimes words lift you up. Sometimes words make you remember without even forcing you to recall an actual memory. Like some people turn away from a certain instrument in music because they remember someone very prominent and hurtful in their life and that person played that instrument..
It's almost like.. an unconscious association that you can't shake.
It doesn't worry me. It really can't worry me.. but I just find it peculiar. I have certain habits that are formed because of bad incidences more than good ones.

Have you ever noticed this about yourself? And what do you do?
I could go on about countless things that I notice but I can't seem to help.

It could be as peddly as ALWAYS remembering to dot your "i"s because of a time a teacher scolded you.. or something deeper like not being able to open up to people because of a certain time that you had been betrayed badly.
Or.. do you not agree with me? Do you think habit is formed more from good than bad?

Perhaps I'm just a negative person.. but I would think that I am at least.. negatively perceptive. Hahahah!

Edit: Also.. I think I plan to delete this entry soon. Just because I'm finding it difficult to really word the things I am trying to say. I guess I'm just displeased with this entry.. but I also guess I just wanted to type it out and put it out there for a small period of time..
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