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Posted January 27th, 2011 at 8:32 PM by paintbucket

Words can't describe how bad I want to scream right now. I feel like such a terrible friend. Read this only if you have significant amounts of free time, because this would be quite the tl;dr.

I feel like a terrible friend. I feel like a terrible person. My goal has always been to help people with their issues, no matter what they may be...at least, with my friends, but sometimes I'm even acted to do things for total strangers if need be...but I don't know...lately, I've just been ignored and it sucks...and I can't help feeling that way...

Living a completely selfless life is tough...sometimes you want recognition when you do the most selfless of things yet it never comes...I guess that's how I feel sometimes, and I know that's not how I'm supposed to feel...but at least I don't want to be ignored...I want to share an example with you, however minuscule that example seems to be...I mean, it's not big like saving someone from a burning building or anything...but something nonetheless...

So I was in school the other day right? I had money on me for lunch and whatever. So there were people by the vending machines at school, and they had trouble purchasing some snacks because they didn't have enough money. Without question, I gave them the money that I had. They greatly appreciated it(and this is not the first time by the way. I've done this several times, whenever I've had money and someone needed some money, I always gave it to them)....which I guess made me happy for the most part....which, then again, wouldn't explain the reason why I've been feeling so ignored right? I mean. I just gave away my own lunch money without any regard for myself, I mean, I don't care much about school lunch nor about vending machines much, so if anyone really needs somethings, I'll do what I can for them...

....I don't know. I guess I'm confusing myself a bit in this blog...because I don't know, I feel like I'm being a fake person. Not as far as personality and generosity-wise....but how I act. I dunno if I'm really as deserving as to be happy like I should be...when there are so many things going on, when sometimes, my friends aren't feeling well and stuff...I feel as if it's my duty to help cheer them up...and it's something that I really don't want to fail, and I make every effort in order to cheer them up....whether it works or not is something thats up to the individual and how well they take the advice...and I'll admit one thing...

Sometimes, my advice could be blunt, but when it is, please bear with me on it...I'm not blunt to be mean, I'm blunt because I care. I'm blunt because I don't want anyone to feel terrible, or to feel sad, or anything like that...the hatred of feeling negative emotions of people really builds up in me, and I sometimes blow up because of it. And yes, I literally do feel people's negative emotions. It's something that I just...grew up with, I guess? I can tie into other people's emotions...and feel the same way they do...and endure their pain...I've been doing this for so long...and I'm not used to this negative energy...so it gets out of hand sometimes. And there's only so much that my heart can take...

The one thing I hate the most though...I'll straight out admit it...I was reading Nica's blog entry...and I felt absolutely terrible. I felt like I needed to say something, but I can't. I want to say something, but I couldn't. I HAD to say something, but nothing would ever come out. Just someday, I want to say some life-changing words to people...but finding those words are so much of an issue....and my ultimate accomplishment is to turn someone's life around for the better....sure, I'm a person on the internet. I'm eight years old(for those of you who actually know me), dealing with all this high school/college stress and whatnot, and balances the life of the internet...but that doesn't make things different...I'm a person that wants to ultimately help for the better, no matter what it takes. I want to do something.

I want to cry, but the tears won't come out. I don't know why I feel so ignored, even though I have wonderful friends here that would help me whenever the time just calls for it. I don't know if it's the Evanescence instrumental I'm listening to, I don't know if it's just me being nostalgic, I don't know if it's like a million other factors, or just the stress of my job in general....yes, I make it my job to help others, and I take that seriously....I mean honestly, I could careless about myself....I agree with one thing though: you must learn to help yourself before you could help others...

I know I'm not entirely on my own two feet yet...and there are moments where I manage to feel absolutely terrible...like now...but I've enough experience with helping others to know what I must do to help others...but the problem is...I'm tired of sitting there feeling helpless...I want to feel like I want to do something, I want to feel accomplished by ultimately turning someone's life around for the better. That alone would make me proud of myself...and it's something big, I know...but for those of you who know me...it's not a surprise. And if you don't know this....well, now you know it now I like to aim big, and know that I could get there someday.

I'd like to think of my tears as this...not a stress of my job...not how much I feel bad for other people...but each tear would represent a prayer for me....a prayer for that person...a prayer that, one day, I hope things turn out better....and of course, I need to start praying more too, I guess....

I'm not expecting anything out of helping people, just the fact that I am(and I'm sorry if I'm contradicting myself here) would make me more than happy enough, but as I said, the problem doesn't lie in helping people...in lies in what to say to help people...I've sort of lost my "mojo" if you would put it in that way...and this is to a certain person, who I've always looked up to:

Siggy, how do you do the things that you do? How do you find the right words to say whenever you're helping someone, how do you know exactly what words to choose whenever you want to make someone feel better? In a way, I guess I'm sorta envious of you because of that...though I still hold my promise regardless, and that will never change. Whenever you feel down, I'll be the one there, to cheer you up and offer you words of comfort as you've did to me years ago and continuously have...but I'm just wondering...just how exactly do you do the things that you do? You seem so experienced at it...and I just want to know...how do you actually make someone feel better? I mean, in the end...it's probably their own choice whether or not they really want to take your advice or not...but your words seems so inspirational that you just lift people's spirits...I want to do something like that...really badly.

I just want to change someone's life for the better. That's my goal. For a while, I wanted to be a surgeon...figured that saving someone's life would be the best way to help people...but the road there is arduous. Not that I really cared much. But after taking a university-level biology course just recently, I figured that in the end, that route really just isn't for me. My second path, by suggestion of a friend, was a wake up call....I decided to save people's lives a second way: by being part of a church. And I always taught myself this too: The body is temporary. A surgeon could save your life from certain death, but death would come regardless. Death because of age is something that even the most advanced surgeons could do nothing about...but it's a personal belief in mine that the soul is eternal, and that something could be done about that, if anything. So yeah, being part of a church is definitely something I want to do when I grow up.

I'm not giving up my Psychology, either. I know that somehow, this would help me in the future, and that whether I'm being a surgeon or not, that wouldn't change me getting a doctorate's and make the best out of life from that point on. But all of this goals, they have one thing in common: they're for the benefit of people. They want to help people for the better. I apologize if there are any atheists here(which is why I was sorta hesitant on mentioning the church part and my other future occupation, but I just said "screw it" and said it anyway), but I just wanted to share something about me, I guess.

Well now you guys know something about me that you didn't, right? I guess this is more of a rant or whatever but...I dunno. This is how I've been feeling for a while, and I just feel worthless/useless/etc...even though I know that if I help people, I can change their lives somehow...but...I just...wouldn't know how to do that...so yeah, that's a definite pain here.

To spread my wings into the future to help other people get back on their feet too...is something I want to do. My ultimate goal. I know that I can't help everyone in the world, I know that I can't be in a million places at one time...but I do what I can, and even changing one life is like you've changed a thousand...just because of that certain person's reaction.

....Well, thanks for your time for reading this, PC.
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  1. Old Comment
    Her's Avatar
    Angelica, you're no superman (supergirl, whatever you prefer). You can't help everyone all the time. As cliché as it sounds, it's just not humanely possible. You're trying to hold yourself up to a standard of say, Jesus. No one is able to constantly help everyone all the time, no one. You need to just accept that sometimes a person is out of your expertise or simply you are unable to help.

    You're not Jesus, Superman/girl or Princess Diana, you don't have unlimited patience, wisdom, skill or time. Sometimes you have to just let people work through their problems on their own, in this case, Nica. I'm sure she has people she can go to for help, most probably everyones favorite helper, Christina (luv u hnny).

    Angelica, you're not being ignored. I can't speak for everyone you've ever helped, and I'm not going to lie, some of them will have taken you for granted, but I however am grateful for the help you've given me for nearly three years now. I know my opinion doesn't really change the gravity of the situation, but I'd like you to know that. Especially during 2008, during the days where I was still ~growing~ and being a total **** on 'Cosmo. I didn't realize it then, but the berating and the shaking 'to grow up' really changed me over the years since that particular Cosmo has ended (well, two years but by December it'll be three!!!). But the simple things, such as lending money to people who don't have it. You may not get even a word of appreciation, but unless everyone you've ever helped is a total dickhead (me!!!), you'll have gotten at least one silent recognition. You know, the 'Wow, thanks. Cool guy.' Remember Angelica, at least one person is grateful.

    You know I'm not very good at helping people, so I'll end with this; Sometimes you just have to step down, let someone take the reins. Because to be quite honest, now I'm worried about you. You need to take a rest and stop pushing yourself to be perfect. Because perfection doesn't exist.
    i was gonna put a gif instead so be grateful for that no matter how cheesy and crap it is
    Posted January 27th, 2011 at 9:41 PM by Her Her is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Melody's Avatar
    I'll have to agree with Harlequin here. Even though I may not know you well, I'll leave my cents here and you can take what you need from it.

    You simply must not be harsh on yourself for being unable to help. You no doubt have much more life to experience, and sometimes, that thing your depressed friend is going through is something you've truly never experienced before. Sure you can sometimes heap on words of encouragement and soothe their souls a bit, but there are also times when you simply cannot do so, and because you know deep down that mere encouragement won't work in this situation, you freeze. Am I right?

    In times like this it's quite painful, and I've been in that position before. It sucks. Sure you could try to find someone that can help, but sometimes there is no one able to help at hand. In that case all you can do is pray to whatever higher power you respect and hope for the best.

    Still, it hurts no less, and I understand that. I know you pride yourself on being ultimately selfless, but sometimes there is such a thing as "too much of a good thing". I know it sounds cliche, but that's the truth. Sometimes you never will be appreciated unless you apply gentle reminders. Now I'm not saying you should tell people to say "thank you" or get mad at them for not being appreciative, just to be sure to watch out for people you happen to be helping excessively.

    My word of wisdom has always been "Momentai". XD
    I know it's cheesy, probably cliche somewhere and nipped right out of a cartoon, but hey, it helps me. Sometimes you just have to "Take it Easy". No one person can be expected to do all the work for no credit, and people who try that often find themselves in a worse state than the people they're helping. When that happens, people in that state tend to cause much more damage. X3
    Posted January 28th, 2011 at 11:55 AM by Melody Melody is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Signomi's Avatar
    Well my thoughts pretty much sums up what Chris said. You mustn't make everybody's problem your utmost burden, that's just mounting needless stress on yourself and eventually you may come to begrudge it. I'm not a miracle worker, nobody in this situation is...not even you. The problems people have can be so dire that it wouldn't be your place to try and weigh it over your shoulders, that shouldn't be your goal in the first place.

    All you need to do is pass along some of your wisdom onto the people you care about, at most this is really the best you can possibly offer--but don't take that for granted. A little advice can go a long way with helping whoever it is needs your support the most, and as a friend you ought to find it in yourself to be behind the distressed one in their time of need. If as long as they have your support, your blessing to help them tackle their problems head-on, then that alone is a miracle.
    Posted January 28th, 2011 at 10:13 PM by Signomi Signomi is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Sometimes I actually think that the fact that you're trying to make it your duty or your want to help everyone is, in fact, not selfless, but a way that you can identify yourself with.
    Don't get me wrong! Generosity is a great thing, but in your case, the way that you're handling it to an extreme is (in my eyes) a little selfish. You WANT people to appreciate you, and who doesn't? Everyone needs appreciation, but it's like you take these steps of generosity for the purpose of receiving appreciation (and also by your good heart.)
    But I think you're also being foolish with benefits. People help others because they feel good if they do so. The fact that you're putting so much EFFORT into having to be everyone's saviour is just unrealistic.

    You need to calm down and take things in moderation. I understand that you want to feel accomplished, but sacrificing so much of your own self, money, priorities, time, love, and sacrificing so much of YOURSELF isn't going to get you there because you just end up becoming used, unstable, and unable to associate with yourself anymore because you've given so much up to others that you become "that person that gives the good advice" or whatever.

    Who cares if you can't find the right words to say? Only YOU do. That's the point. You're not actually JUST helping others. You're helping others to also feel self-assured. You need to cut that negative aspect out of it and you have to learn that it's OKAY to say the wrong words. A friend is not a guru or a therapist, a friend is a shoulder to cry on. That shoulder doesn't need to have words, it just needs to be there.. and THAT'S how you help others.

    Ultimately, yes, it pains you when you can't help people.. because you find SELF ACCOMPLISHMENT in helping people.. but just because you can't find the right words doesn't mean you're not helping. You don't NEED to give every Tom, Dick, and Harry your money. It's not really helping. So what? They can't grab something from the vending machine, it's just an inconvenience to them. They weren't seeking help. Sure it was a nice gesture but it's selfish to me in that way. Because it's like you're going so out of your way to help others that you're just trying to find an outlet for showing that you're a good person. (I could be completely wrong about this but that's how it looks like to me..)

    It's perfectly okay to be selfish, though. You need to learn to live your life the way YOU want to. You don't have to live a totally selfless life, because that really doesn't benefit others. You need to find what you can to make yourself happy (which for you I'm guessing is to be able to save others and help others benefit from your actions) and channel that in a healthy way to grow and become the person you want.

    I'm not saying all this to criticize or make you feel down.. but YOU need to be healthy and in the right frame of mind to properly be able to contribute to others. You need to realize that.. yes.. it's okay to be a little selfish! (AKA.. Everyone needs to eat, even you!) You take pleasure in helping others achieve goals and I find that really honourable and impressive.. but if there's a situation where you can't do that for someone, you gotta stop approaching that situation as if you "failed" or something. As long as you're doing what you want to do and you're HAPPY doing it with absolutely NO expectations from others (even no recognition) then go for it because it makes YOU feel like a good person. Because if you're going to do something and feel bad after for not getting a thanks.. then maybe you just need to realize that you do expect a little something from someone.. and that's perfectly normal. If someone doesn't say thanks, don't let that get you down.. just let it remind you that you're just working towards your own goals and dreams and that you did it because it made you feel good and made you feel happy.

    Just.. don't expect to be "God".. you can only do so much, man.. work towards helping others.. but man.. DON'T FORGET about helping YOURSELF! You're important, too!

    Also, I know I'm no "favourite-helper-Christina" because I DO criticize in my comments.. take my comment with a grain of salt, if you'd like.. but I said all this because I thought it might benefit you. Hey, I'm not good at words either, but I hope you found some comfort at least in the fact that I took the time to share and took the time to read what you had to say.
    Posted January 28th, 2011 at 10:55 PM by Kura Kura is offline
    Updated January 28th, 2011 at 11:03 PM by Kura
  5. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    I would see what you're saying, but self-accomplishment is extremely minor when it comes to actually finding words to helping people out themsevels. I could careless about me.
    Posted January 29th, 2011 at 7:17 PM by colours colours is online now
  6. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Twilight Sky View Comment
    I would see what you're saying, but self-accomplishment is extremely minor when it comes to actually finding words to helping people out themsevels. I could careless about me.
    Understandable that it is minor, but I wanted to make a point that it might still be there and you should be aware of it. But I still think you shouldn't think of not finding the right words as being a failure to help someone.. because I think that you just being there for them and caring is ultimately what helps someone the most.. sometimes it's not the words that matters, but the gesture.

    That's just my opinion.. but either way.. I don't want you to feel so down :/ I know you're not particularly close to me but I still hope for you to find happiness <3
    Posted January 29th, 2011 at 7:49 PM by Kura Kura is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Her's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Twilight Sky View Comment
    I would see what you're saying, but self-accomplishment is extremely minor when it comes to actually finding words to helping people out themsevels. I could careless about me.
    Well, it seems that you are starting to care about what people think of your generosity, just saying. That isn't a bad thing, dear god no.

    But as I said, sometimes you don't find the words and thats that. Big whoop. It's not like you failed that person, Angelica. I know I'm coming off as condescending, but it's for your own good.
    Posted January 29th, 2011 at 9:25 PM by Her Her is offline
  8. Old Comment
    colours's Avatar
    Well, that's the thing I'm scared of the most: I'm scared of failure, I'm scared of failing people and whatnot. .___.; but thanks for everything anyway guys, I'm a bit happier now. xDD;
    Posted January 30th, 2011 at 12:44 PM by colours colours is online now
  9. Old Comment
    Her's Avatar
    now theres the XD I pretend to like but despise
    Posted January 30th, 2011 at 6:32 PM by Her Her is offline

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