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Just who am I?

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Just who am I?

Posted April 15th, 2011 at 2:20 PM by Ash

This has been a question I've been wondering myself the past few days, while thinking back on some of my past choices, thoughts, and actions. I usually don't look back in the past, nor do I usually look towards the future, but it doesn't mean that I don't. I've said a lot of things about myself within these past few years, such as 'I rarely get angry', 'I try not to complain because I dislike complaining', 'I'm an optimist', and so on. When I look at what I've said about myself.. well.. it was when I started to question them.

'I rarely get angry'. Is this really true? I mean.. I guess I don't blow up at the slightest thing, but I can't said I'm docile and calm all the time, and nothing ever irks me. In fact, a lot of things irk me, but in order to try to avoid drama I tend to keep it to myself. Is keeping it to myself really ta good idea? Perhaps it's that reason why when I do get mad I'm letting it all out at once, and that's when 'the inner demon' comes out (as what friends have dubbed it). If I don't keep it all build up inside me, would it make things worse, or better? I could lose friends because I'm not the nice, docile person they thought I was, and much more drama might occur. If it's one thing that I would always want to avoid, it's drama. Yet, it finds me all the time.

'I try to not complain, because I hate complaining'. The second part is true, because whenever someone complains, if they do so enough or they're complaining over some petty thing I tend to get a 'i don't care anymore' attitude after a while. As for the first part though.. I complain a lot more than I'd like to not. I try to keep it to myself, but people need room to rant and complain. The thing is I don't like burdening anyone with my life, and yet to some people I do it all the time. One of those examples is my sister, and there are some people who I go to complain whenever I have the chance. I hate myself for doing it half the time, because it's hypocrisy.

Speaking of hypocrisy, I dislike it. Yet, there are times when I'm on myself. Would that make the statement hypocrisy? These days, I'm not too sure. I guess despite someone hates something or not, they'll do it sometimes maybe without them realizing it. All I know is that whenever I am being a hypocrite, I mentally smack myself in the head for it. Perhaps I should just try to not hate it so much, but it's just one of those things that irk me regardless.

Though, the biggest thing that's gotten me to think about this is the fact that I'm am optimist. At least.. I want to say I'm an optimist. I do my best to look at the brighter things in life, and that there's a silver lining. That no matter how bad or ugly it's been, that it'll eventually pick back up if you keep a optimistic point of view. But there is another side of being an optimist that I don't do, and that's to think the best outcome is going to happen. That I'm going to get an 'A' on the test. That the thing that I'm setting up is going to be successful. These are the times when I question whether or not I'm really an optimist.

I don't go 'Hell yeah I'll get an A'. Instead, I have more of an 'eh. Can't guarantee an 'A'. Maybe a 'B' or a 'C'. Or just straight out 'Psh. No A. I probably failed". Would this be a negative attitude? Or am I just being skeptical about what I'm getting. What if I'm talking about something else, such as whether or not I'm going to get a job. Whenever I apply, I get the same thing: 'eh. I'm probably not going to get it but oh well. It would be cool if I did'. Skeptic, or out right negative.

It's not like I just act like this just for the sake of acting like it. It's just that there have been times in which I do say 'yes i'll get an 'A'' or something, and give my hopes up, only to bring them back down. This has happened several times in the past month -- one when I thought I got a job since they said I had a Job Orientation, and two just the other day -- and since then, I've been feeling more like a skeptic/pessimistic person. But I don't want to be. I dislike it when people are being pessimistic. Does this go back to the whole hypocrisy, then? Or... perhaps I'm a Skeptical Optimist. Can there be such a thing, or is it an oxymoron (such as my usertitle).

Sometimes I feel as such my whole like is a facade. I act the way I act to some people, and then to others I act completely different. Due to this, I sometimes can't really figure out which one is the 'real me'. Is it the more shy, gentle one? The louder obnoxious one? The one that lingers between the whole of them? I say that I don't show my true self unless you're close to me, but is that really true? Is there really, honestly, one person who truly knows me for who I am? As of right now, I don't even know who I am sometimes. One moment I'm having the time of my life, then the next moment I'm cursing at myself for thinking that the idea would work in the first place, or perhaps one minute I'm all buddy buddy with someone, then the next day they're irking me like no other.

I know the phase 'You are who you are', but sometimes, it's nice to know who exactly are you. When people ask me to describe myself in several words, it takes me a while to think of some. Then, I just use adjectives to describe myself, but are half of them really true? I say I'm 'shy', but to some people I'm not. I say I'm 'gentle', but there have been people who've seen the harsher side of me. I say I'm 'Optimistic' but... you get the point.

I guess the point of this is that I kind of want to figure out somewhat who I am. I'm not sure if asking any of you would help, but it's worth a shot, right? Perhaps, just maybe, I can come up with who I am through you guys. So... what do you guys say? Who am I? My good sides, my flaws... anything.

Underneath the spoiler is the 30 Days of Symphonia. Yes, I'm still doing it, so if you don't like bandwagons/lame/unoriginal things, don't look. It kind of relates to this blog entry, though.

30 Days of Symphonia - "Day" 7 (Character you have most in Common With)
To be honest... I don't have a direct answer to this. This goes along with my whole 'who am i' part of this blog, because I honestly don't know. There have been people who've been saying characters such as Sheena, Presea, Colette, and so forth, but while I partly agree with them, I also partly disagree. So for this one, it'll be whoever you think I have most in common with.

Sorry this one doesn't have an image to go with it (because I'm uncertain), but the next one will. Promise.

1. Your favorite character
2. Your least favorite character
3. Character you'd date
4. Character you'd like to go shopping with
5. Character you'd like as your child
6. Character who would probably be your rival
7. Character you have most in common with

8. Character you look like the most
9. Character you'd bring home to your parents
10. Character you'd never bring home to your parents
11. Character you'd become best friends with
12. Character with your favorite voice/seiyuu
13. Character you'd go camping with
14. Character you wouldn't mind being roommates with
15. Character you'd want to cook for you
16. Character you wouldn't mind prancing naked for you
17. Your OTP
18. Character you wouldn't mind having as a parent
19. Character you'd like to go karaoke with
20. Character you wouldn't mind having as your butler/maid
21. Character you'd have in your party if you were in a RPG
22. Another OTP of yours
23. Your favorite character of the opposite gender of #1
24. Character with your favorite uniform/outfit
25. Character who would be your band-mate if you were in a band
26. Character you wouldn't mind having as your boss
27. Character you wouldn't want to run into in a dark alley
28. Character you'd want personified into a dog
29. Character you'd want personified into a cat
30. Character you'd want to cosplay as
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  1. Old Comment
    Melody's Avatar
    Things Such as this...are all part of the pains of growing up, I'll agree.

    It sucks being popular, or even well liked, because you have to act more than be what you are.

    I know this because...well duh...I've been through this phase before and yeah, it totally sucks. So yeah, I feel your pain, especially about asking yourself "Who Am I?"
    Posted April 15th, 2011 at 3:11 PM by Melody Melody is online now
  2. Old Comment
    donavannj's Avatar
    I'd say you're a realistic optimist. You want to be optimistic, but you're more of a realist.

    You also are shy around people you're not comfortable with or don't know very well but are very chatty amongst people who you are comfortable with.

    You want to be nice to people so that they're nice to you but some people just abuse that without realizing it and push you over the edge.

    You also have some traits of a perfectionist and are at times your own worst critic.

    This help any? :3
    Posted April 15th, 2011 at 4:01 PM by donavannj donavannj is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Seto's Avatar
    I wouldn't worry about it too much, I can relate, and I've learned that most people have different sides to themselves. Most people don't just have one single side to themselves; all of us as people have different sides, and we act differently depending on who we're around.

    You seem like a pretty calm, and generally nice person to me. If you have other sides to yourself that you like or dislike, most everyone else does too. Sometimes, I feel like how I act around certain people isn't really me, but.. when I think about, it is. It may not be the same way that I act around someone that I'm totally comfortable around, but that doesn't make it a lie. (Not sure if that makes sense..)
    Posted April 15th, 2011 at 8:12 PM by Seto Seto is offline
  4. Old Comment
    ~Ryukaa's Avatar
    You're a nice person. You're calm, kind, and good-hearted, yes. It's natural for people to act differently towards others. I mean, I understand why you'd have a harsher side towards your sister, because I do too. xDD;;
    You're not just one of them. You're all of them. Everyone has a good and a bad side, you know? For better or worse.

    But as I said, you're a very kind person. You're a good person to talk to, you're cheerful, you're fun to be around. Even if it IS just on the internet. Everybody has a side of themselves that they may or may not like, but really, It's good to learn how to accept yourself for who you are.

    I know how you feel. I hate complaining as well, but I tend to do it alot. xDD;;
    It's a bad habit I need to break. When I finish a test, I'm negative. [because usually the times I AM positive, I get a horrid score. xD;]
    As for rarely getting angry... eh. I have a short temper at times. :V

    So don't fret over it. You are you. You shouldn't worry about which person is really you, and how you should act. But if you do, you might not be yourself later on. That's all.

    Hope I helped.
    Posted April 15th, 2011 at 8:36 PM by ~Ryukaa ~Ryukaa is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Ash's Avatar
    @Pachy: It does suck. I just want to be myself, but idk how I want to act sometimes. It makes me go 'orz'. I do hope I'll be out of this soon.

    @Dondon: Thank yoou. <3 That helps a lot. I never considered myself to be a perfectionist though, so that caught me off-guard though, haha.

    @Drew: Yeah. I've always known that I had at least two parts of me. But sometimes I wish it was just one. But yeah, it makes sense. Goes along with the whole 'No matter what, you're you' thing.

    @Ryukaa: Haha. The funny thing is that my sister and I are as close as peanut butter and jelly. If I have a harsher side towards a family member, it's my brother. xD;
    But yeah, that helped. :] Thanks!
    Posted April 16th, 2011 at 12:02 PM by Ash Ash is offline

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