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Welcome to Hell, Me.

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Welcome to Hell, Me.

Posted March 8th, 2013 at 6:00 PM by Mezzo
Updated March 8th, 2013 at 6:07 PM by Mezzo

So I'm not it a good state right now. Mentally, anyway.

Okay... where do I begin? ...Uh, school I guess. I really need to step my game up in school: I'm failing math and earth science. When I learned this I think my life fell on my shoulders and I starting pummeling into hell. Actually, no, scratch that... I felt frustrated at myself. Because to begin with I know I can do better. I don't understand math right now... and I'm failing a lot of tests... but I cannot afford to fail math! I can't! I know I can't! And if I do I'll have to go to summer school... I won't survive in summer school! My Science's a joke. Everyone's failing. That of which I suspected. But that doesn't mean it's okay. I need to force myself to do better. Or else I'll either end up repeating or...going to summer school. I won't last in summer school...

That, and... I haven't been able to write a lot of poetry lately. It saves me...and yet I can't write any? I was able to write one a week ago but that was before I found out how much of a failure I was at school. I'm trying to write "Pony Glass". A poem where the front is ponies. But I can't seem to think up any ideas for it or anything at all. So there's that. If I can't write any poetry the walls and fortresses in my mind will come back and torture me. I don't want that to happen. Hopefully my poetic poise will come back in a day or two because I need it back. Reading is only temporary and it does nothing right now.

I'm in hell. ...Or so it would seem. I feel like I'm in a living hell and I don't know when I'm going to come out of hell. ...When my grades go back up they will. Maybe that's when I'll be back in the world of humans. But as of right now I'm hell. And I feel a little apprehensive and maybe a little anxious. It's also an on-and off depression. These are a few things that trigger the darkness. That of course won't solve anything so I have to stay strong so it doesn't come back to attack me. ^^;

I know I'm not normal, of course I'm not. I never was normal. But one thing is for sure that right now I'm anything but okay. I'll be fine...mentally at least...sooner or later. Not right now, but perhaps soon I will. I'm probably going to have to deal with a lot more dizziness for a little while... and more crying... those are two things I'm sure of. Unless I somehow learn to accept myself and what has happened to me... then maybe neither will occur. I hate it when my head spins--it's another thing that always tortures me. Maybe it's nerve damage or a trigger to anxiety. But that can't be it because I'm barley ever anxious.

So perhaps I'm just really stressed... but in a week or so... I'll be okay... I'll try not to get too depressed. I'll try not to cry myself to sleep. ...And I'll try not to lose my sanity. Even though I'm pretty close to again. If I become insane that'll basically be the end of me. Or at least, the end of who I am now. When I'm finally insane I won't be me anymore; I'll be something completely different: a real monster. Or just an insane human monster. Eventually I want to feel like I am human again, lately I just feel like a monster. A monster who thinks it can be human. Although I still want to feel better on the inside and obtain real happiness and purpose. I admit that lately I have been projecting fake happiness... it's not healthy and by now I can see that it isn't. No, it's bad to project fake happiness. I know that by now. It's one of the things I need to stop.

When I was younger I'm pretty sure I was a lot happier. But...that was then and this is now. I was probably a happy-go-lucky child. But no longer am I. Because I hate myself. And perhaps because I'm a teen now I can't be happy-go-lucky. That and I'm a major pessimist. I also beat myself up too much. ...Another thing I need to stop. I also need to stop calling myself a freak and much more. It could help me to become happy again essentially. But then again I'm in my teenage years. When I get older I'll be more mature and I'll be able to handle myself and perhaps I'll become an optimist over a pessimist again. Although I don't think I ever liked myself...maybe that will change eventually. It needs to. Self acceptance is the key to being happy.

Honestly the only way to get rid of pain is to embrace it. Just like the darkness. Everything depends on me. Life is like a never ending story--it lasts after you die. It starts when you are born. Hardships come around and they go away only if you conquer them. That I know for sure. Right now is just a hardship in school and mentally, too. The mind is such a crazy thing and it can't be tampered with because anything can corrupt it. Arguably I know I'm dangerous in many ways--sometimes I fear that the abyss in my mind can corrupt other human beings. Especially if others were to enter my own world I always wonder if anyone were to enter my world if they could ever come back. I honestly think they wouldn't.

Oh my god.. my head... I can't... I can't write anymore... I can't... ahhh... help...this always happens... why?

I don't know why but being alive is by the most scariest thing... some of you I know understand at least that.

Posted inPalamon's Insanity
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  1. Old Comment
    Honest's Avatar
    Hey, it's just a class. Not sure what grade you're in, but at the very least you're aware you need to do better. Now you can take the next step and practice! Focus on what the issue is and work on it. For math, I'd just reread the examples on process on how to do whatever it is you're doing. As in what math class you're taking. Earth Science can be even easier to work on if you figure out what the issue is. Since you say the whole class is failing, I assume you have a really bad or really hard teacher? If it's the former, just study yourself from the textbook. Put PC aside for or three hours a day and study. If it's the latter, it'd be more difficult. Take extensive notes and see if you can talk to your teacher about it. It helps more often than you'd think.

    So yeah, don't knock yourself down. Accepting your fault's is halfway to recovery. Blood, sweat, and a few tears are the next fifty percent. Expressing yourself in a blog like this also helps, cause you get to vent your emotions. That being said, you've got a very interesting rhetoric. I don't want to say you're overreacting, but the whole failing scenario seems to have given you an epiphany or something. :c

    So yeah, you got this Yuki. I believe in you, as does many others, I'm sure. Hang in there girl, we're all supporting you! Besides, I'm sure people here are even willing to help. I took Earth Science four years ago, but I aced my Regents, so maybe I can help you there. I'm usually a pro at math too, so yeah. You don't have to go through this alone! ;D
    Posted March 8th, 2013 at 6:15 PM by Honest Honest is offline
  2. Old Comment
    I always never fitted in with any class I had. I was always picked on and isolated.

    I ended up quitting college last year after six months due to a horrible bully in my class.
    Posted March 8th, 2013 at 10:49 PM by Hikamaru Hikamaru is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Overlord Drakow's Avatar
    Hey Yuki.

    With regard to your problem with mathematics, I can be your liberator. Me and Maths go hand in hand pretty much so whatever difficulty you're having, come to me and I will enlighten your mind. Seriously, just drop me a VM / PM and I'll be more than happy to guide you.

    As for the Earth Science stuff, I can try and help you there but that's not quite my forte. All the best with everything anyway.
    Posted March 9th, 2013 at 5:11 AM by Overlord Drakow Overlord Drakow is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    But really, what's normal? Pride yourself in your uniqueness and embrace it. Work on the things you want to work on to feel better about yourself. Make progress and you wont dwell. If you find that your depression is overwhelming you, put the pride aside and ask for help. Therapists aren't as taboo as you may think, and they offer great advice for you to start helping yourself. Maybe one might not work for you, but if it starts getting tough, it really doesn't hurt to try.

    Poetry is nice and all, and a great outlet, but with it, you tend to label yourself and your situation; the sooner you stop labelling yourself, the easier it will be to move on. Once you label yourself, you start believing in the negative words you've associated with yourself. Time to stop that, dear.

    Also, I went to summer school to get ahead. It's a bit slower paced because you get more one-to-one teacher time. Yeah there may be troublemakers in there that don't give a crap.. but who cares? You're there for you. Worst case scenario isn't too bad; you'll survive. You just gotta take things in stride.
    Posted March 9th, 2013 at 6:27 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Oryx's Avatar
    You don't help yourself when you start saying "I'm a teenager therefore I should be expected to do X, Y, and Z and don't need to work on anything". :/
    Posted March 10th, 2013 at 6:41 PM by Oryx Oryx is offline

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