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Look How Far I've Come

Posted June 5th, 2019 at 12:32 AM by Palamon

I really haven't posted that many blog entries in a really long time because I don't really have a lot to say. I usually don't, anyway. But, for some reason, sometimes I feel the need to look in here, and try to write something. Well...

While, perhaps, I might be exaggerating, or overthinking this, but I feel like I've come a long way since I've started coming online. I feel like I'm a far better person now than when I first joined internet forums. While, some part of me are pretty much the same, (social energy, for example) I do feel I've changed and shaped to be a far better person.

I'm going to admit something, honestly, I used to be REALLY sheltered. Perhaps it really showed back then. I didn't know a lot of LGBT & gender related things (especially in 2008 to 2014...) because of my parent's toxic homophobia and transphobia. I also was lazy, and way too bubbly/energetic, like I didn't do anything at all, really. I didn't cook, or do my laundry, or hell, even pick out my clothes, because I was sheltered, and lazy. Nowadays, of course, I do all that, cooking, not as much, since heated stoves make me feel incredibly nervous, but I try every now and again.

I also couldn't really fully grasp what depression was, either. I remember calling it "the darkness" and being really incredibly publicly negative and dark in public spaces where it wasn't wanted. This was honestly something I've kind of grown out of? Sometimes, irl I do say negative jibes here and there when people say negative jibes at me, but that's it, really? I don't do what I used to: throwing negative/morbid stuff everywhere in public where people can see anymore. At one point, it was p bad & people called me out on it--like it was in my usertitles, even.

I pushed people away a lot, too. I mean, to be fair, I'm still a pretty distant person, and don't really get close to people, but I don't think I really push away people giving me advice anymore? I used to do it all the time, although, to be fair, back then, I reached out to too many people, and probably expected too much. Nowadays, I only reach out in private spaces. But, to anyone who used to give me advice back in the day, thank you, and sorry for pushing you away. I was pretty depressed back then, and couldn't get out of my head, so to speak.

I've also, by now, fully come to terms with my gender identity and myself as a person, in general. For many years, I didn't really have a clue of who I was, or how I identified. It's probably because, back then as a young child, femininity was heavily shoved down my throat. My parents would always buy me dolls, and I only really played with them at a young age. I never really liked dolls. I remember destroying them, cutting their hair, or having my brother do the deed instead since I really didn't care for dolls at all. I doubt that was ever a sign or anything, but yeah, I did do that. As I got older, I didn't like how my parents kept trying to force femininity on me because it really wasn't me. It never really was, to honest. Back then, I only dressed feminine/girly because those were pretty much the only clothes I had.

I know I have a lot of blog entries I've made in the past of when I was confused & depressed about my gender. and a couple here and there about wanting to dress more male. The latter was before I was beginning to question my gender, though. I do know I've talked about these sorts of things a lot here because I was questioning my identity for about two and a half years until I found something that worked for me. I remember there were times I vented to Sho extensively about how I was feeling abt my gender at the time, and times where I switched completely into different personas/alters. I was honestly that unhappy at the time. Nowadays, I'm not as unhappy and very rarely have a switch. Probably because I'm happier nowadays, and more comfortable w/my gender identity and sexuality? Probably.

I honestly had many different male personas back in the day online. As early as 2008, honestly. Three, I believe. I used the "brother", excuse, but, back then, I did do this as an outlet online to be male, or act male. But this was honestly way before I had gender issues/or knew much about being trans and whatnot. I knew, back then my reason for having a male persona was because, partially, deep down I had wanted to be a boy. I just didn't, at that time, at 11...12 years old, fully grasp that. I never really told anyone, either. After many years, I started needing these alternative online personas, and part of them took over for awhile, until 2013 when I had to admit to having alternate accounts (on another forum, mind you). I had one alternate female persona too, but that was one that was me wanting to be more mature and used big ass words and whanot. I still split/switched a lot for awhile, but it's weird to look back on this part of my life.

Honestly, I'm a guy, but I don't fully identify as a guy--which is why I call myself trans masculine over a trans man. I prefer to dress in male clothes, and cosplay male characters. Back then, what made me realize this was when someone told me that I looked good/better dressed in masculine clothing. This was after I came back from Comicon 2013. I had already been thinking about that at the time, as well. I'm far more okay w/identifying as male/masculine these days than I ever have before. There are still times I feel dysphoric abt my body shape & my body functioning as female when that's not what I want, but nowhere near as much as I used to. Being comfortable feels good.

I'm also glad I've evolved completely into my own person, and am not influenced by my parent's opinions anymore. I guess that's what getting older and learning more does to people, you know? You're influenced by someone else's opinions and are raised to believe the same thing. But, honestly, not anymore, and not since 2014. I am my own person, and I'm not coattailing off of my mother's food tastes, or opinions anymore. I used to think because my mother said something was bad, or gross, that it was gross. I know now that this isn't true.

Sure, a lot of things about me haven't changed, my interests are still pretty much the same. I still love Pokemon, anime, and games, of course. Hell, I still love Arthur & stuffed animals! That'll never change! And, I still am, well... sometimes awkward, and loud, too, but I don't necessarily think it's a bad thing about myself. People have flaws, after all.

I'll probably continue to evolve or come farther, who knows? Probably once I've gotten a job, or well, feel comfortable with that, I'll have reached my final form. Now, I know that's dramatic, but I've just been wanting to say that for awhile now. I'm done now, though, it's 4:32 at the time of writing this out.
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  1. Old Comment
    Go's Avatar
    Reading this made me want to time jump back to the PC of yeearssss ago and see how different we all were. lol

    It's good that you're starting to be happier nowadays, though, it helps when you're honest about who you wanna be, for sure!
    Posted June 5th, 2019 at 10:25 PM by Go Go is offline