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WikiHow is Strange

Posted June 17th, 2014 at 3:15 PM by Oryx
I present to you: 5 strange WikiHow articles.

Article 1: How to Get Drunk Fast

Quote:
While it's always best to consume alcohol slowly and in moderation, some circumstances call for a different course of action.
"Circumstances". Circumstances like SHOT TIME.

Quote:
Use a beer bong. If you want to drink a lot of beer very quickly, then beer bongs are your best option.
I love imagining someone in their own house, trying to set up a beer bong to get wasted with.

Article 2: How to Be the Perfect 11 Year Old Girl

Perfect, you guys. Flawless.

Quote:
Do not try to be the ultimate fashionista that has makeup all over her face like a clown and wears a short shredded t-shirt that says "Just Cuss Mickey is My Dawg".
Clowns aren't perfect, are they?? Short t-shirts are also not perfect. I have to agree that bad grammar is far from perfect.

Quote:
Being a D or an F student lessens your chance of having friends and increases trash talk and rumors.
Rumors like "this girl isn't perfect, man."

Quote:
Just because you read this does not mean you should change your whole way of doing things just to be the perfect eleven year old girl! Nobody is perfect and neither are you.
Ending the article with "no one is perfect"??? this whole article was a lie

Article 3: How to Role Play a Cat

Quote:
Now you can learn how to role-play cats without the guts and glory of a warrior cat role-play.
Oh good. I've always wanted to role play a cat but the only cats available are warriors! Maybe I can talk my friends into my epic role play, "house cats play with string".

Quote:
You can create a character. Give your character a personality, a background (Unless you're role-playing a kitten, then provide who the mother and father were.)
As we all know, no kittens have personalities or backgrounds.

Quote:
Cats don't like cities or anywhere with "two-legs".
This is, as we all know, why there are no cats in cities. Or houses.

Quote:
Cats act like a dog pack - honor is everything for them.
Cats have an order exactly like a dog pack.
Sir, I think you might be role playing as a dog.

Article 4: How to Tell if a YouTube Video of a UFO Is Fake

Quote:
Assuming you've already put your powers of critical assessment to work at this stage, it's time to proceed to the next signs that a UFO video might not be for real.
My powers of critical assessment that did not lead me to the conclusion that all YouTube UFO videos are fake.

Quote:
Is the UFO moving awkwardly, or with a jitter? Wobbliness tends to be a sign of strings and nerves rather than futuristic flying technology. Imagine trying to keep down a cup of alien brew in a wobbly craft? It's probably fair enough to say that if a plane couldn't fly wobbling or teetering in the way that the UFO has been presented as flying, then it's very unlikely the UFO could either - after all, our atmosphere remains the same for the UFO, let alone the comfort needs of the crew.
Yes, imagine the strange creatures who surely must drink liquid nourishment from a cup and how they couldn't live in a jittery spacecraft. UFOs are just like planes; that's why we use them to fly lightyears away in commercial airliners.

Quote:
If the UFO in the video makes noise, it's probably a fake. It is difficult to know but it would be assumed that a UFO in real life would be very careful to keep its noise to a minimum.
You're right! It is difficult to know what sound a UFO would make. Good call on that one.

Quote:
Generally anything on YouTube will be a fake.
Gee, this would have been helpful at the start of the article.

Article 5: How to Make People Think You're Immortal

Quote:
Don't forget your old-fashioned modesty! People of your time didn't wear super-tight tank tops or skimpy little cut-off shorts. Why, back in previous centuries, baring your ankles was unheard of! Of course, after living through different eras, you've probably modernized a bit, so it's no big deal to wear a skirt that reaches your knees rather than your ankles, or to wear a top that doesn't touch your collarbones; just remember to dress somewhat modestly.
So in other words, be modest because you're old but not too modest because that's just not cute, man.

Quote:
Learn old languages, like Ancient Greek or Ancient Egyptian, depending on the era you want to portray yourself as from.
This seems like a great deal of work.

Quote:
If someone asks to come to your house later than 7 o'clock, always come up with a hasty but believable excuse; immortal people have many secrets that unravel after dark.
Wow, pretending to be immortal must be a lonely life.

Quote:
If your teacher asks you something and you really don't know the answer, just say that you’d prefer not to talk about it. Or, if you think you know but make a mistake, act slightly confused when the teacher corrects you. (You might even throw in a line about how history is written by the victors.)
Wait, we're convincing teachers here??

Quote:
Hold garden parties with badminton and croquet as major forms of entertainment
Yeah, you're not going to have any immortal friends.

Quote:
Say words like glorious or dashing or absurd. If you're just starting to do this wait till school break ends then go back to school with this new lifestyle.
It's as if you became immortal over the summer!!

Quote:
Telling people that you're 752 years old will bring about laughter or pity. The idea is to give the impression that you've lived over the the ages, not to actually spell it out.
We certainly wouldn't want anyone to think we're absurd, do we?
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    antemortem's Avatar
    I don't have to work to make people think I'm immortal; it comes naturally.
    Posted June 17th, 2014 at 4:48 PM by antemortem antemortem is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Altairis's Avatar
    wait... nobody's perfect? then how do we explain dave???
    Posted June 17th, 2014 at 4:54 PM by Altairis Altairis is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Shining Raichu's Avatar
    Toujours you are perfect and this blog proves it. I haven't laughed so much since Bridesmaids.
    Posted June 17th, 2014 at 6:11 PM by Shining Raichu Shining Raichu is offline
 

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