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Top 10 List #6: Reasons I'm Not Buying the Hoenn Remake Games

Posted December 30th, 2014 at 6:41 PM by Elite Overlord LeSabre™

To be fair, I did watch Let's Plays for these games, and while I regret I cannot get back lost time (and I have seen things which cannot be unseen) I am fortunate that at least I didn't drop money on these games.

And yes I'm expecting quite a bit of backlash from the ardent supporters of these games. After all, the whole "7.8 TOO MUCH WATER" thing became a freaking meme, and my score would not nearly be as high as that. On the other hand, it would give this place a lot more action than it's seen recently lol

1. It Takes Place In Hoenn.
I don't particularly care for Hoenn. IMO it's a poorly designed and laid-out region, and was a chore to navigate in the original games. Some of the locations are just plain bizarre. Like Fortree. And Pacifidlog.

And yes, there's too much water. I don't know why that's a "thing" now. There was too much water in the originals. The complaint was every bit as valid now as it was when R/S came out. And don't get me started on Routes 132-134.

Unfortunately, because these are remake games, there's not much that can be done to rectify this problem. Sure, you can put all the lipstick you want on it, but the Hoenn region is still a pig.

2. May Is A Fashion Disaster.
And it's basically two things that irk me: The white shorts and the green bag/pouch thingy. First, the attempt to turn the white lower trim on May's shirt into shorts looks weird. It's something I'll never get used to. And to make matters worse, now she's wearing two pairs of shorts. She's layering shorts. Which makes no sense at all.

As her green bag, I'll just say that the color doesn't go along with the rest of the outfit. Her original color scheme (black white, yellow, red) looked all right, if not absolutely stunning. But adding green to that? Now it seems too busy, with too many different colors.

3. No Character Customizations.
Which means that you're stuck with May's poor fashion choices for the duration of the game. Character customization was a massive step forward for the franchise. Finally, your character could be yours and you didn't see clones of yourself when you battled others. It is inexcusable that it was left out of these games, and we're back to facing off against clones of ourselves on wi-fi. The developers and ardent supporters will try to come up with any excuse they can to justify its omission, but in the end it comes down to laziness on the part of the game designers.

4. You Can't Dress Up, but Creepy Rodents Can.
Yes. Officially, the worst Pokemon in franchise history now has more options for customization than your trainer character has. That's just plain wrong. Having a "mascot" (albeit poorly chosen) is one thing. Giving it undeserved attention, placing it on a pedestal and revering it as a god is quite another. Yellow Version. Light Ball. Its presence on You-Know-Who's team. Fully voicing it in X/Y. And now the one that dresses up and gets special moves as a result. And that doesn't even go into how much the thing is hyped in the anime or in merchandising. Need I say more?

And that's not even going into how downright creepy and disturbing the whole idea is. It gives me the creeps thinking about it.

5. We're Still Violating Laws In The Intro.
Seat belt and child endangerment laws, to be exact. I've commented on this before. Norman and your character's mother win my award for "Most Negligent and Deadbeat Parents in a Pokemon Game." These two treat your character - their child - with the same importance they treat a box of plates or a bookshelf. They stuff you into the cargo area of a moving truck with a complete lack of concern for your safety, and when you arrive, somehow having survived the whole traumatic ordeal, your mother makes a snide comment, "Oh, it must have been rough back there."

No, it was freaking DEADLY back there! One sharp turn, and your character might have been headed to the coroner's office instead of Birch's lab. Realistically, your character's mother should be in prison, where she gets to spend her formative years with someone like 'ol Rebecca Parrett here:


6. Brendan Got An Extra Dose of Annoying.
I never liked Brendan. But now he's been afflicted with "Calem/Shauna Syndrome." Symptoms include: needlessly butting into a battle and forcing you to team up with him; forcing you to be his BFF; head-desk worthy lines like "We started this journey together, let's finish it together"; and random stuttering and blushing throughout, insinuating some sort of infatuation. Can we please not go there? I play Pokemon to dominate over all opponents, not to be unwittingly involved in some poorly written preteen soap opera.

Brendan's always been unattractive, but in these games he looks even more childish and immature. And his godawful pre- and post- battle animations only make him look more like someone who doesn't take battle seriously.

7. I Don't Particularly Care For Wally Either.
Simply put, I found him to be an annoying character and his attempt to be all cute didn't convince me in the least.

8. Rehashed Battle Maison.
Since I've established some good winning streaks in the facility in X/Y, there's nothing to motivate me to do the same in these games. At most, I might have been interested in farming the place for BP for the move tutors, but as far as seriously mounting a challenge there? Been there, done that.

9. The two-bike system.
Yay for backtracking and added inconvenience. D/P/Pt did things much better with a single bike that had two gear settings. And the Mach Bike is a piece of crap anyway; sure it can go fast in a straight line, but its handling is on par with that of an aircraft carrier.

10. Trick House.
Yay for more backtracking and added inconvenience, not to mention dealing with a guy who obviously has a few screws loose. The tricks themselves aren't bad, but having to return to Route 110 and his place after almost every single badge is quite tedious.

And there are other smaller complaints I can lodge against the games; some of the NPC trainer designs, the annoying chick who "markets" the contests, some aspects of the Delta Episode, the blatant ripoff of the Oldsmobile Omega, and I could go on.

But to be fair, here are 5 things the games did well (I wanted to do a full 10, but I started running out of things) :
1. Sneaking Like A Ninja.
I actually like this technique to obtain rarer specimens of Pokemon. Well, I say that now, but I haven't actually tried it. And I'm not exactly known for my Circle Pad dexterity.

2. Team Magma.
Sure, they look kinda goofy, but I like the deadly serious attitude that the higher-ups have, and their reasoning (advance human-kind) is more developed here. Plus Maxie's post-battle animation is freaking HILARIOUS.

3. Use of in-game models.
The trainer models in this game do a god job of capturing the attitude and character of the various Gym Leaders. It's painfully obvious, for example, that Flannery is a nervous wreck before challenging you. I did like seeing the reactions of the various Gym Leaders and Elite Four members in the game. Those of Wally and Brendan, not so much, but I've done my rant on them.

4. Secret Bases.
This was a good idea in R/S, and I still like it - your own personal space to decorate as you please, and the ability to hunt down your friends' locales and battle them at their bases. It's an idea that's enhanced by better on-line capabilities, but you know what would have made the idea even better? Character customizations.

5. Ending Credits.
Much better executed than X/Y's credits. Instead of seeing a bunch of morons take credit for something they didn't do, then watch simple sepia-tone images with crappy poetry, the remake games at least show your character, your Pokemon, and the various battles they went through. Don't really care for Brendan to be butting in, but still...

Bottom line: The Hoenn remake games aren't for me. And it's due in large part to things I took issue with in the original games - especially the layout of the region itself. Of course, turning May into a fashion disaster and Brendan into a wannabe Calem didn't help matters either, but still. These will mark the first main-line Pokemon games that I won't even bother buying in the first place. I'm hoping they'll be the last, but we shall see...
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    antemortem's Avatar
    hey now! you get to keep both bikes eventually!
    Posted December 30th, 2014 at 6:50 PM by antemortem antemortem is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Pepperton's Avatar
    this was a pain to read considering how much i loved the games, but hey its your opinion
    Posted December 30th, 2014 at 7:23 PM by Pepperton Pepperton is offline
  3. Old Comment
    WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWIE

    I can see your problems with the game, but in the end, the most annoying things are pretty small. It's a really good game and you can actually CATCH THEM ALL FOR FREAKING ONCE

    But yah, yah.... I hate Calem. XD
    Posted December 30th, 2014 at 10:30 PM by
  4. Old Comment
    May a fashion disaster? But she got so much cuter now...

    But anyways, I can understand how you feel towards certain features but maybe the next game might redeem you.
    Posted December 30th, 2014 at 11:38 PM by Hikamaru Hikamaru is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Nah's Avatar
    Why so much hate people? I thought that this part was hilarious:
    Quote:
    5. We're Still Violating Laws In The Intro.
    Seat belt and child endangerment laws, to be exact. I've commented on this before. Norman and your character's mother win my award for "Most Negligent and Deadbeat Parents in a Pokemon Game." These two treat your character - their child - with the same importance they treat a box of plates or a bookshelf. They stuff you into the cargo area of a moving truck with a complete lack of concern for your safety, and when you arrive, somehow having survived the whole traumatic ordeal, your mother makes a snide comment, "Oh, it must have been rough back there."

    No, it was freaking DEADLY back there! One sharp turn, and your character might have been headed to the coroner's office instead of Birch's lab.
    The Pokemon world is so screwed up lol

    But where's the Oldsmobile Omega rip-off?
    Posted December 31st, 2014 at 7:51 AM by Nah Nah is offline
  6. Old Comment
    Elite Overlord LeSabre™'s Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Airhead View Comment
    I can see your problems with the game, but in the end, the most annoying things are pretty small. It's a really good game and you can actually CATCH THEM ALL FOR FREAKING ONCE

    But yah, yah.... I hate Calem. XD
    No, I'd say having an issue with how the entire region is laid out is a major problem with the game.

    Calem is a tool who needs to go back to Orre where everyone has a dumb nonsensical name.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Hikamaru View Comment
    May a fashion disaster? But she got so much cuter now...

    But anyways, I can understand how you feel towards certain features but maybe the next game might redeem you.
    But DEM SHORTS. DEM SHORTS. OMG they look so out of place.

    Leaf FTW.

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Zekrom View Comment
    The Pokemon world is so screwed up lol

    But where's the Oldsmobile Omega rip-off?
    It certainly is messed up :P And now with 3000-year old giants and adventures in space, things are only getting more bizarre.

    As for the whole Oldsmobile Omega thing, it's pretty much the name "Omega Ruby." Pretty much the same as my whole deal with Pokemon Centers and Red Roof Inns (especially with the in-game dialogue "Look for their red roof.")
    Posted December 31st, 2014 at 2:25 PM by Elite Overlord LeSabre™ Elite Overlord LeSabre™ is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Elite Overlord LeSabre™'s Avatar
    Oh, almost forgot:

    Happy New Year, everyone :)
    Posted December 31st, 2014 at 2:41 PM by Elite Overlord LeSabre™ Elite Overlord LeSabre™ is offline