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Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood! Chapter 30 (FINALE)

Posted December 15th, 2018 at 9:35 AM by Rainbow Chara X
Updated December 15th, 2018 at 10:39 AM by Rainbow Chara X
Tags lp#1

I would be sad that it's all over. But I'm not.

Future Dan Says: If anything, I'm nostalgic.

Chapter 30 - To Greener Pastures (Finale)


Well, we're on Gym Island now. Believe it or not, the plot of Snakewood that seemed to go on forever has finally concluded.


The only things stopping this from being a two-screenshot chapter with the second screenshot being The End on a black background are the things I've yet to show off... which are still going to give me migraines.

: "Where is everyone? Wasn't there meant to be a party?"

: "Yeah, you kind of missed it."

: "What? But it was in my honor!"

Wow, the person who saves everybody's asses from utter destruction and he doesn't even get the credit he deserves. To think, this could have been easily avoided if Jack was just teleported to Gym Island with them. I seriously don't see any reason why we had to guess the way to get there.

: "Well, you snooze, you lose. I've still got this present for you, though."

Well, that lets me cross off Strength off of the Sidequest List... but you're still an asshole.

: "Well, I'll be off. I have work to do."

[Fade to black transition]

: "Well, that was a disappointment. Still, I suppose I can still challenge these gyms... or not, given how I have no real interest to do so."

Yeah, what he said.

"If you had a Deoxys, you could totally bring it here and change its form, but you don't, so you can't. Ever."

Wow, even the flavor text is getting sassy for no good reason. That should tell you how far we're falling.

"Oho! They've gone far away, I don't know where."

Mr. Artist Stereotype knows what he's talking about. We'll meet up with Landon and May in a moment, though.

... Man, I can't even work up the emotion for this. The only place I can go with this is probably saying some joke that's in bad taste like "was she extra crispy".

Snakewood is like That Guy if he were made into a video game. Don't be like Snakewood.

This guy has a Level 85 Zebstrika that tries to be scary with Volt Tackle...

But the Crew sort him out immediately. After Senex, nothing scares me.

"The great Gym Island Stadium!"

Yeah, keep deluding yourself buddy. If you use walk-through-walls on the door behind him, it'll take you all the way back to Petalburg City. It's as strange as it sounds, but nothing we haven't come to expect from this game.

There's literally no purpose to the stadium as we never get to go down there ourselves. But at least it looks pretty cool.

: "... You are SO not."

Yeah. She's totally this guy. I believe her. Don't you?

"Until there's Nothing Left."

I'm not going to question why Gym Island is packed with all of the crazies, but I'll forgive this one because I feel the same way as him.

Generic NPC dialogue?! How can this be?

"You can imagine my surprise when I came home! Hoho!"

I would not be surprised if this entire game was a three ring circus where the entire show is to infuriate the player/Jack.

I'm not going to challenge the gyms at all. They're pointless even by the standard of this game due to them not being that interesting or even challenging. They just... exist. I'm surprised Cutlerine even went to the extent to put in a postgame, but it was so mediocre that he might have well not bothered.

The only notable Gym is one where a guy transforms into different trainers as you fight him... which doesn't really give you anything. There was also another one which is a reference to Jet Set Radio, which I know would have pissed off one of my friends.

Apparently, the gym this dude is standing in front of requires a sidequest to bypass him. Since I'm done with this game as it is, I'm just gonna skip to the point.

God bless cheating. I have no idea where I would have been if I didn't have it for this.

... oh

Wow, this is some psyducked up scenery right here. Oh, and would you look at who's here!

: "Senex! I thought you were dead! And what is this place?"

: "A master of death cannot die. And this is my lair... Black Rock."

: "But it's just some mess of glitchy reality..."

: "Indeed. I don't know why it's named Black Rock. Still, that's beside the point. You have come here, seeking the final challenge - and I accept it! In my true form, I prepare to do battle, and I shall strike the last blow for undeath! Hiyaaaaah! Undeath!"

Wow, even Senex turned into a dork by the end. Wait, that happened earlier when he baked a cake that somehow managed to destroy all of Hoenn.

Yes, he really is a wild Level 90 old man.

This is what they meant by "Senex is strong even without his Pokemon" because he's literally the stand-in for Rayquaza's slot. Senex himself is / with an asston of legendary stats and strong moves to use them with. But by this point, does anybody really care? The game is already over.

Oh well, time for some cruel and unusual punishment.

: "Suck it, old man!"

Welp, we just captured the main villain of the game. I guess we can consider him a member of the crew until we waste him.

: "Wh-what is this name you've bestowed upon me?!"

: "It's the name of another death god. One that's honestly a lot cooler than you. That, and I figure it's particularly scathing to take the name Senex away from you after all of the muk you pulled against us."

: "... You... You're shrewd, I'll give you that."

"Now all that's left is to figure out my past. I'm sure getting through these memories quick today, aren't I? It was only this morning that I set out from Oldale."

: "... Wait, no it wasn't. What the hell am I talking about? It's clearly been a few days, if not a week."

: ("What do you even need to know about your past for, Jack?")

: "... Good question. I don't know. There's not really much of a purpose, especially with how far we've come."

These are Senex's stats, if anybody's wondering. He's not only a wild old man, but he's also a karate grandpa. Damn.

Anyway, I should probably show you what the Turmur sidequest is like.

1. Mush Mask, which is given to you by talking to the man in the Rustboro Pokemon Center.

I'm positive I covered this in an earlier chapter but didn't know what it was for. Also, the man's sprite disappeared. You can even walk through him and everything, but he suddenly comes back into existence.

2. Cologne, which can be traded for Mush Mask to someone with a Scientist sprite on Route 118, on the right side of the grass south of Route 119.

"I do love mushrooms so... No? Well, how about I offer this rare and expensive item in exchange?"

Sure, Breloom Fetish Guy.

Jack should probably use some of it after all of the walking around we've done.

3. Spark Token, which can be obtained by trading the Cologne in the Dewford Trendy Sayings house, to the thirsty guy. You can also pick up a Sludge Bomb TM there.

"If you don't mind, could I drink that?"

: "... Uh, sure."

Man: "Take this in exchange."

Man: "Damn! Y-you tricked me! This Colonge is poisonous!"

: "What did you expect?"

How dumb would you have to be to drink Colonge? This is a serious question and I expect it to be answered.

Man: "Urghhh... I must flee to a hospital!"

Sweet. The TM there is Sludge Bomb, which is appropriate considering this is the same house you get it in the normal games.

"She's staring out in to space, mumbling the word 'crabsticks' over and over again. It seems unlikely you'll get through to her."

Don't care.

Tough cookies, you stack of pixels shaped to look like an old man.

4. Thunder Cub, traded for the Spark Token in the Count's house in Fortree City.

: "Then... treasure it forever!"

Count Hex Maniac over here has the Thunder Cub, which is exactly what you think it is.

You really have to trek throughout the entire region to do this sidequest, damn.

"Your Thundercub was playfully chasing a butterfly when someone's Sparkly Pony passed by. I'm sorry to say that the Thundercub killed and ate it. Due to the incident, it seems to have grown up all of a sudden. Here, see for yourself!"

... There's so much edginess to this that I can't even put my finger on it.

5. Cat's Eye, obtained by visiting Fort Draco and entering the island's rightmost cave, the Endless Plains, and giving the cub to the Dragon. Come back later to learn it's eating a sparkly pony and becoming a Shinx. Remove the "Cat's Eye" from Shinx's possession.

Yeah, that's right. We get a cute little Shinx after it just brutally murdered and ate a Blitzle. Isn't that adorable?

6. Go to the Lilycove Sewers and find the girl who likes Shinx. Give her the Cat's Eye for the Pachi Sword.

The screenshots speak for themselves.

"... What? You want something in return? Take this, it's useless."

Why Don Patch? Oh right, Cutlerine had a massive hard on for Bobobo and felt emulating it was a good idea.

7. Take the Pachi Sword to Mt. Chimney and give it to Chikuwa vendor (aka. Don Patch) for a Hajike Bird.

Insert comment.

8. Bring the Hajike Bird to a Hiker on Route 134 for a Rydrake Wing.

I have no idea how you're supposed to figure this out on your own, but I guess that's why there's a wikia for Snakewood.

Yes, there is a wikia for this hack of all things.

9. Finally, bring the Rydrake Wing to the Meatfather in Rainy Cave (yeah the icy place) on Route 120 to summon from another dimension a level 60 Turmur.

Yeah, this sure is a thing. Apparently, the Rainy Cave where we got the Rain Dance TM is also the home of some mafia that works with frozen meat.

I literally cannot be bothered to care, but I'm happy to say that wild Sneasel are running around here.

Our final Broken Heart! We're finally finished collecting them!

... You're probably giving me a weird look like "What the fresh hell are you talking about, Dan? I thought there were fifty. And what's with the animation of Shulk pelvic thrusting?"

For one, the animation is there because won't cut it. Secondly, I mean it when I say that's the last Broken Heart. There's not actually... fifty. There's only ten. No, really.

You'll see what I mean in a bit.

"When my friends have a problem, I am the one to whom they turn to have that problem solved. Oh? That massive bladed wing you carry on your back... The one that spans four or five meters... That's a Rydrake Wing, yes?"

holy muk, how are we carrying this thing

Meatfather: "That Rydrake Wing is not of this world... It has crossed our universe from another. We should send it back. Shall we do that?"

Okay, whatever. I don't know how this has anything to do with Turmur, but alright.

[Kyogre cry]

"Quickly, Jack! There's no time to explain, but ready yourself for battle! That thing is coming for us!"

: "Dude. I beat one that was level 80. I'm pretty sure this isn't a problem at all. Jeanne?"

: ("I'm on it.")

I was trying to capture it, but killing it is fine too.

: ("Might as well, anyway. It was far too ugly not to put out of its misery.")

Anyway, about the Broken Hearts? This is where you go to turn them in.

"Now, I have made it my mission to collect up and store the many hearts the zombies have broken in Hoenn."

That's quite the a morbid hobby.

Collector: "Oh! All of them... All 50 Broken Hearts."

... I want you guys to stare at this screenshot and read that sentence again, preferably multiple times, to let it sink in.

I actually had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't going crazy, and even the save state for this moment was called "WHAT."

... I'm not complaining, since this means I don't have to go on a collectathon and play this game any longer than I have to.
(Was there seriously supposed to be 50 but he decided to cut it short at 10 due to time constraints or something? I don't get it.)

Next, you have to go to the Marine Science Museum in Slateport... for some reason.

Yes, collecting all of the Broken Hearts gives you Shaderu... Wait, didn't I explain this before? Oh, what the hell I'd explain it again anyway.

All of the "evil legendaries" have really low catch rates, which I guess is expected considering Jack kicked their asses into next Sunday.

This is another part of the Frigid Way I had neglected to show off before, seeing as I didn't have Strength before.

The Frigid Way is still one of my favorite dungeons in the entire game just because of how uncharacteristically pretty it is, especially for Snakewood's standards. I just love it.

Oh my god, what are these ugly things? Technically speaking, these are the replacements for the Regi Trio, who are only unlocked after you get Strength from Asimov. I said I would be covering everything so they count too.

Their sprites are horrendous and stupid looking. Not only that, they're all level 66 which I assume is some half-baked edge thing.

The Furi Trio are (X), (Q) and (Z) respectively. Furi X is primarily a physical attacker, Z is the Stalemate Pokemon incarnate and Q is the most well-rounded. They're not that great, so I recommend you don't really waste your time looking for them. Or don't play Snakewood period.

I'm surprised this sign even had a message, let alone a message that's best suited to an Elder God's tongue.

Anyway, enough fooling around. It's time to go to the Art Museum and see that ending.

[This doesn't even deserve a serious song. Just put... uh... I dunno, this song: Akuma Drops]

: "Who are you?"


Arceus would like to ask you some questions.

: "You're that man the guys at the monastery worship! The one who doesn't look like a man!"


Yes, like having another comic book villain in this game was necessary.

: [Jack claps his hands and puts up fisticuffs]

[Two flashes of light]

Barqesh: "Oh no! My arch-enemy, Professor Slocherbooten! I must flee!"

... Scratch that, calling you a comic book villain is too generous.

[Barqesh vanishes]

: "What?"

: "We have to leave!"

: "What?"

: "May and I are getting ready to ascend to a higher plane of existence, Jonathan Livingstone Seagull-style. Come close, and we'll tell you the secrets to your past--"

[They both vanish]

... Why did we rescue you two if you're just going to disappear? What's this "ascending to a higher plane of existence" garbage? I have too many questions that can't be answered.

Even in the darkest moments in the game, Jack is the only one that speaks any amount of sense.

: "Yo!"

: "What the hell is going on here?!"

: "It's me! Meteor's daughter, the psychic egg!"

: "What do you want?"

: "I have the resolution to the ongoing quest for your past! Straight from the Cutlerine himself!"

Oh, this is going to suck.

: "What?! Tell me!"

: "The truth is... Your past doesn't matter! This memory loss is a chance for a new start. Whatever your old life was... Whatever you had before... Whatever you were in that past life... It's gone. And it's never coming back. So just forget about the past, lose your purpose and get on with your life!"

: ("On one hand, she's completely right. There's no reason to chase Jack's past. On the other, this sounds incredibly flimsy.")

: ("What does she even mean 'it's never coming back?' Didn't me and Jack meet because of the past or something?")

: ("Don't try to think about it too hard, Gauss.")

: "... What? I mean, WHAT?! What kind of ridiculous moral to the story is that? Come to think of it, what sort of ending is that?! Okay, I have to sort this out with the Cutlerine!"

Is that really a good id--

[Fade to black transition]

: "I see. That was a very enlightening talk. I'd never seen my world in that way before... This is all being made up as we go along, isn't it? There was no plan, no overarching plot... This is... what real life is. Confusing, stupid, maddening - and, when it comes down to it, without any discernable meaning... My god, I've discovered the truth about life... I guess all that remains for me to do is say... It's the end. Goodbye, Face in the Sky, It's been a blast. But... I don't need you anymore. I'm going to ascend..."

This is some of the most pretentious muk I've ever read. Cutlerine, you're not clever alright? You can't act the way you did this entire game and expect me to just smile and take it while you spout off some dogmatic nonsense about life. This entire game has been nothing but your fanwank weeaboo story with some other references thrown in to make you look smarter than you actually are.

You tout Snakewood as a zombie apocalypse with great risks and a serious storyline (don't say otherwise, because there's evidence you were trying your damndest) when it's really some kaizo idiocy you made off of the top of your head.

Real life goes beyond confusion and stupidity. So don't even try the philosopher act with me.

... What? Guys, I'm not talking.

: "What?"

Me, apparently?: "No."

: "Hey, Sky-Face! You can't stop me!"

Me, apparently?: "Yes, I can - and I will. I'M the one playing the game, not you. I can do what I want, and I say you're going NOWHERE!"

This is going beyond pretentious and into "my god, what is wrong with you" territory. I can assure you that this is going a bit too far.

: "G-g-gah! Fine! I'll stay! But you remember - this means there's no resolution!"

Me, apparently?: "There's no resolution anyway. This is why I love this game - it's so fantastically stupid. Plus, the Cutlerine's a genius, and amazingly handsome. Did I mention how big of a genius he is?"

[Replay Megalovania]


Your game is hot garbage and putting words in the player's mouth just so you could stroke that ego is proof of it.

Damn! To think I tolerated your dumb ass this entire game with the hopes that you could potentially be a cool guy. You blew it.

Future Dan Says: Really lost your cool there, huh? Yes, this is stupid but I've recently learned he's not a bad guy. If anything, he's far more humble than I gave him credit and even he's baffled why people like Snakewood. Plus, let's be real...

[Demon King Odio]

... There's far worse on the horizon.

: "Yes.... He is awe inspiring... [Sigh] Fine. Let's go do what you want to do, Sky-Face."

: "... Wait, what am I saying? Cutlerine has an ego the size of the sun. I'd sooner be dead than give someone like that praise. I don't care how often he possesses me, I'm not going to like him."

: ("What in the name of everything decent just happened?!")

: ("I... honestly don't know. I'm actually at a loss for words for once.")

: ("Whatever happened, though, it sure seems to have bothered Jack a lot.")

: ("... Hm? What's that?")

[A note materializes out of thin air and gently falls to the ground]

: ("A note?")

: "Huh? What's all this about?"

Note: "Jack, Cutlerine's an asshole. I didn't say any of that stuff. I'd be more than happy to let your journey end in a way that's far more appropriate, so don't let that get to you. You and the Crew deserve better than this."

: ("Apparently the person looking out for us is far more benevolent than we had expected.")

: ("Good thing, too. I was ready to become feral due to all of this.")

: "Wow... Alright. I feel a bit better knowing that they want things to be better for us. Let's go, guys."

This was another thing the people who played Snakewood (bless your hearts) couldn't really figure out on their own.

Basically, you're supposed to get a Pokemon that knows Explosion because you can't break the crate with the Arclight Spanner for some odd reason.

Say hello to Lunatone who exists only for blowing up this crate.

[Current audio in-game: Psychic encounter theme]

... Hello, blue-haired obvious reference man.

With a place like this, you'd imagine some real crazy stuff to happen here.

"It is uncertain where Mount Doom actually is, since it is only accessible through a rift in time that unexpectedly opened up in the Lilycove Museum's basement a year ago. However, it has swiftly become--"

Okay, long story short, this is where Luca Zamon goes to when we beat her. There's no point to the rest of the fluff because I've become completely disillusioned with this game.

Luca Zamon looks weird on the overworld.

She was actually very hard to catch, but I still got her anyway.

Well, that was nice and all but let's try leaving.

Huh? Beating/Capturing Luca Zamon somehow catches this guy's attention.

[He hops up to us]

"That shows fighting spirit."

: "Uh... what do you want, strangely-dressed manly looking hero?"

Definitely Kamina, who are we fooling: "You don't know my name? Who the hell do you think I am?! I'll show you who I am, and test your fighting spirit into the bargain!"

YEP. The final fight in the entire game, and it's with the actual Kamina of all people. I did not expect anything less.

I knew the Gurren Lagann references had to come full circle.

Also, he's level 100. This should be terrifying as he has ridiculous attack and good speed... but we still have this in the bag.

This is the second time Bellamine has been frozen, but it's not like that matters. She's going to beat up Kamina.

[Bellamine used Psychic!]

: "Damn straight."

Now Bellamine holds the title for the manliest hero. Yes, I know what I said.

"You can be an honorary member of Team Dai Gurren! Well, I'd better go."

[Kamina walks away for a second, only to face Jack]

Kamina: "Oh, and one more thing. Don't believe in yourself, Jack."

: "Eh? That's a pretty stupid thing to --"

Kamina: "Believe in the me who believes in you! ... Oh. It usually goes down better than that."

: "Just leave now, please."

kamina pls

Anyway, we may as well return to Fort Draco.


: ("... No. He's not the one.")

: "It's... sunset already. But it still feels like there's something else I have to do."

Oh, snap. What's does it look like?

... Uh.

Yes. This is technically the final legendary in the game, and it's some sort of plesiosaur monster. Tea Barqan here is a / type with some decent stats, even though we're literally at the end.

I don't think I went and caught him. Oh, well.

[Theme I would use for this final scene: Epilogue - To Good Friends]

In hindsight, this ending is more for the Crew and Jack more than it is for the actual game.

[Jack stares at the sun descending over the ocean with the Crew]

: "Well... now it's finally over. There's nothing left that we can do but relax."

: ("I'll always cherish being with you, Jack.")

: ("Aww... miss Bellamine, I feel the same way.")

: ("I'd rather forget what we had to do to get here, but I could never give you up for even a second.")

: ("This adventure sure felt like a fever dream, didn't it? But hey... at least I met you guys. That's good enough for me.")

: ("I'll admit.. I wasn't sure how you and Jack were going to deal with things...")

: ("But I'm glad you saved my siblings. That's all I could ask for, really...")

: ("Awww. Thanks, miss Ivory. Personally, I'm just glad all of that madness is over.")

: ("It really is all over, isn't it? So what do we do now?")

: "I think the only thing we should do now is unwind a bit. We deserve a rest, you know? Plus, living with dragons sounds like a cool idea."

: ("He does have a point.")

: ("That's fine with me.")

: "So... that's it. I know we'll probably have to fight again, but with you guys beside me I'll be just fine."

[Jack and the crew gaze at the ocean]

Well, that's it. This has been an experience, guys. I've completed the game 100% (or close enough) and I can finally move on from it. My thoughts on Snakewood as a game will probably go up as a bonus chapter, but for now I'm completely done.

See you later and thanks for coming along for the ride.

Final team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 72, ) - "To think... We've grown so strong and come so far."
(Ambes, , Level 63, ) - "Is it okay to get so emotional for no reason?"
(Jeanne, , Level 64, ) - "Nah, you're fine. I'd be surprised if you DIDN'T get emotional at this, Ambes."
(Gauss, , Level 67, /) - "Ha. Maybe after this we can go get something to eat?"
(Valor, , Level 67, has Plus Band, /) - "I'd be down for that. What kind of food do dragons make?"
(Ballin, , level 63, /) - "I'm glad I could help Jack at all. I mean, being a Qwilfish wasn't inspiring hope..."
(Ivory, , Level ??, /) - "Aww, there, there. You're still a precious muffin, Ambes."

Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 61, has Leftovers, /) - "Break out de snacks and the spores! We did it!"
(Zagon, , Level 63, /) - "... No thank you, Reggie. But yes. I'm glad this is all over too."
(Alice, , level 62, ) - "Nya! I'm so proud of everybody for getting so far. You've all been excellent, nya!"
(Ace, , Level 58, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Same, babe. Although I'm surprised Bellamine took out the manly hero guy with Jeanne."
(Juno, , Level 60, /) - "I may have only had one fight, but it was a damn good one. Thanks for bringing me along, Jack."
(Umbra, , Level 62, ) - "I'm glad to see everybody's happy."
(Tohru, , Level 60, /) - "They even captured Senex and everything... What a cruel twist of fate, hwahaha!"
(Pumbloom, , level 56, ) - "I'M SO PROUD OF BALLIN!"
(Wagner, , Level 57, /) - "I can't believe I was originally your enemy. If I had known this was going to happen..."
(Chloris, , level 61, /) - "It's fine, Wagner. You're a pretty cool guy, you know."
(Beatrice, , Level 50, /) - * is sending out an aroma to soothe everybody out of sheer happiness *
(Shine, , level 33, ) - [Pounce-hugs Ambes]
(Spark, , level 32, ) - [Pounce-hugs Ambes too]
(Alpha, level 55, /) - "... YOU'RE NOT ALL THAT BAD."
(Menti, , level 57, /) - "Hurray for Jack! Wait... I'm still a zombie... Oh well."
(Senex, , level 90, /) - "This is so humiliating."
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