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Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood! Bonus 3

Posted December 15th, 2018 at 9:56 AM by Rainbow Chara X
Updated December 17th, 2018 at 6:19 PM by Rainbow Chara X
Tags lp#1

This came packaged with the rom hack and I'm going to tear into it like a starved rat.

Bonus Chapter #3 - ... A Cast Interview?
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Spoiler:

[Just have this playing in the background: It's Showtime]

I’m just gonna be sitting here commentating.

Our reporter, Belinda Latchley, visited Angel Laboratories in order to interview various members of the cast and backstage crew of Pokémon Snakewood, a hack of Ruby that looks set to make it big on its release. Firstly, she caught up with the game’s two player characters, Wraith and Jericho, played by brother-and-sister acting pair Damien and Rebecca Colostomy.

Oh my god, his name was Wraith this entire time. Imagine how much less seriously I would have taken this game if I didn’t call him Jack instead. Also, I was right when I said Angel Laboratories was one of the dev groups that worked on this hack.

Belinda: First of all, let me just say how thrilled I am to be here. It’s a very new experience for me, the game interview scene.

Aren’t you a fictional character?

Damien: It’s new for us too, Belinda. This is the first game we’ve ever got a lead part in – and that means the first game we’ve ever been interviewed about.

You poor bastard.

Belinda: What’s it like, during the creation process? Not just for Snakewood, but in general?

Rebecca: Well, I wouldn’t know about in general, since I’ve only played bit characters before – but it’s been great. In this game, I – or Damien – get a full speaking part, with loads of great dialogue. There’s also a lot of winning and beating people up, which is incredibly fun to stage.

Oh please. The main character’s dialogue degenerated a lot as time passed. The only reason I even liked the main character was due to the beginning dialogue where they actually showed some common sense.

Damien: And it is staged well. There are a couple of scenes where we get beaten up or knocked out, and making those was amazing. I mean, it’s so well done that we don’t feel anything, but it looks just like we were punched in the face or whatever.

This is a bit confusing. So Snakewood’s supposed to be a play of some sort? I’m pretty sure everything that happened to Jack was real.

Belinda: I see. Well, what has it been like to work with the Cutlerine? I understand that this is the first time you’ve worked with him.

Damien: I don’t really know. He’s mostly stayed with the scripters, the spriters and that, directing the cameras and stuff like that. I only really remember meeting him once or twice, but when I did he seemed really friendly, and incredibly witty.

Just... Yeah, if the postgame of Snakewood is anything to go by, then he sure is “friendly” alright. I know he might have changed as time passed, but damn that ending was horrendous beyond description.

Rebecca: Yeah, he created the entire story – and it’s so full of references it’s amazing. How can one person have wasted so much time absorbing so much useless knowledge? I met him more times than Damien – he liked me more, because apparently my design and sprites were less difficult to index successfully – and he came across as the most brilliant genius the world has ever seen.

Cutlerine saw references as the ultimate source of humor in this hack. The references aren’t clever or interesting, nor do they fit with the story he was trying to make; so whenever he pops one in, it feels staggeringly out of place. It is useless knowledge because instead of trying to be clever on his own merit, it just winds up being stupid.

Also, that’s some A+++ ego stroking right there. The arrogance is so tangible that I almost choked on it.

Belinda: Right. Thanks, Damien, Rebecca, I’ll let you get on now. Next up, I’ll be speaking to Manfred Verticaño, the chief cameraman working on Snakewood. Good afternoon, Manfred.

Manfred: Hello, Belinda.

Aren’t you that hobo with the depression beard that got lost in the Lilycove Sewers?
Belinda: What can you tell us about the experience of filming Snakewood?

Manfred: Well, this is the third game I’ve worked on so far, so I had quite a bit of experience to bring to the table. The Cutlerine asked me to head the camera department after we’d both imbibed a little too freely of the cup that cheers, if you catch my drift, down in Club Rocket, where we met a rather extraordinary—

... What? Did this dude get drunk or something?

Belinda: Excuse me, but what are you talking about?

^ Talks sense

Manfred: ...couldn’t have had fewer than eight legs...

Belinda: Manfred?

Manfred: ... and ended up with an earring the size of a pipistrelle!

... A pipistrelle is a species of bat. Cutlerine, you can’t fool me with these fancy words.

Belinda: ... Thank you, Manfred. Have a nice day.

I love how the reporter is just like “okay i’m done” with this dude.

Manfred: Oh, was that it? That was easy!

Belinda: Yes... Next, I’m speaking to Harrison Morrison, the best boy. Harrison?

Harrison: Right here, Belinda.

I have no idea who this guy is.

Belinda: Now, could you please tell our viewers – what exactly does the best boy do?

Harrison: If only someone could answer that for me, Belinda. I’ve been asking myself the same damn question for forty years.

I swear to god if this is another reference I’m going to deck him in the face. Also, the best boy is a term for a manager of a film – they’re in charge of hiring people, lighting, etc.

Belinda: ...OK. Do you have anything else to say?

Harrison: I don’t know! For the love of God, stop taunting me!

You know, given the context of Cutlerine and Snakewood, it’s pretty obvious why Harrison is so deranged. His co-owner is so insufferable it made him like this.

[CRASHING SOUNDS]

Belinda: Um... See you – Ow! – after the break!

Is... Is he throwing things at her? What the hell is going on?

[Happy music plays]

Barry Scott: Hi! I’m Barry Scott, and I’m here with Jill, who uses Cillit Bang Grime & Lime! Jill, what do you think?

Jill: Well, I use it all over the house. It’s great on limescale, and my sink sparkles! The kids make such a mess in the bathroom, but it tackles soap scum no problem.

Barry Scott: And now for the ‘tough’ test! My old favourite!

Jill: You love that one, Barry!

Barry Scott: Heh heh! With this much power on tough jobs, everyday cleaning is a doddle with Cillit Bang Grime & Lime! Give it a go! Bang, and the dirt is gone!

... Cutlerine, you’re like that one guy that tries really hard to be funny.

[A gorilla plays the drums. Mmm, chocolate.]

Alright, that’s it. You want a serious analysis on what works and what doesn’t? Because I’m sick of this muk. See, there’s no context to any of this. It’s just thrown out for the sake of throwing the reader off guard for some vain attempt at randumb humor.

There’s no tact, no finesse, no real form of build-up. The only reason it even elicits a reaction is because it’s natural to go “what the psyduck is this”. Beyond that, it’s just stupid. There’s a reason why I hated most of the stuff that went on in the actual game because there was no rhyme or reason to it. It was just there because Cutlerine felt like putting it in. Just... moving on.

Future Dan Says: And you'd be right! Although you should be a little bit less harsh on the dude. Imagine how mean it'd be if someone ragged on you for one of your old RPG Maker games.

Belinda: And we’re back! With me here in the studio is Herod Friedland, who plays every single member of the organisation known as the Deadly Seven, or the Order of the Afro.

Speaking of the Deadly Seven, they were a horrible choice too. Like... they became bearable when they finally dropped the crazy act. Let me repeat this: your gimmick character becomes bearable when they lose their gimmick. Like damn it, man. It’s no secret that I hated the “madness for the sake of confusing the enemy” thing because it felt like a tremendous asspull.

Herod: Good afternoon, Belinda.

Belinda: Good afternoon, Herod. What’s it like to play someone completely insane, in the context of an RPG?

Herod: Well, I actually play ten of them, each with their own unique qualities. There’s a lot of material to memorise for each of them – Stan [note: the producer] made me learn each of their backstories, so that I would understand the emotions that drive their running jokes.

Even when the Deadly Seven were serious, I still couldn’t take them seriously. Order of the Afro? Really? Bah. I don’t think any of the Deadly Seven even had backstories aside from “we fight senex”.

Belinda: These running jokes play a large part in the game, don’t they?

Herod: I like to think they do. The Deadly Seven do, at any rate – on more than one occasion, they have to be defeated in order for the story to progress. And they give the player character useful advice and items at points.

I’ll give you this, they give you items... after they’ve stopped being crazy. Aside from telling Jack to go to the Elite Four, they have been active detriments to Jack this entire game. Pretty sure Jack’s not going to forget that they tried to make him go insane.

Belinda: Interesting. What was it like to work with the Cutlerine?

Herod: He seems a nice enough guy, did his job well. I saw him less than Damien and Rebecca, if anything.

Belinda: OK, I’m going to have to stop you there, Herod, because walking in the door right now is Martha McPlatitude, the set designer and builder.

That name may not be as bad as Lolidragon, but it’s up there.

Martha: Pleased to meet you, Belinda.

Belinda: The pleasure is all mine, Martha. Tell us what exactly your job involves.

Martha: Well, I... design and build the sets.

Belinda: Is that right?

Martha: Oh – I don’t do it by myself. I have a team working under me to help with the building work.

Belinda: What was the most challenging map to create for you?

Martha: It would have to be the Madio Caves. I had to break most of the laws of physics several times for that one – in fact, several times more than anyone else. As soon as it’s verified by an official, Snakewood will be in line for a Guinness World Record for that one.

The Madio Caves have some of the most horrendous map design I’ve ever seen. I’m not fond of places that try to mislead you, and the Inquisition Base is another such offender.

The Inquisition Base was another horrible map because there were so many foul-spirited one-way exits and tricks (looking at you, inescapable trap with a level 80 Shaderu) that I honestly didn’t want to keep playing. The Boardroom Puzzle is so monstrous that the map was absolutely necessary. To quote my friend: “That level design physically hurt just reading about it”.

See, people want to progress through the games they play – not be stuck in the same room over and over and over and over and over AND OVER AND OVER—You get my point.

Belinda: And what was your favourite part?

Martha: Definitely making the Regurgitation Pumping Station in the Lilycove Sewers. It was my finest effort – four 50ft waterfalls of real sewage, on a tower just over 150ft tall and covered in dozens of functional pumps. It was an engineering masterpiece.

It’s a video game for christ’s sake.

Belinda: That sounds impressive. What about the Necropolis in Sootopolis City? I hear that that’s set to top a thousand feet.

The Necropolis we never get a full view of? It’s just an edited map, guys.

Martha: It will be the tallest structure I’ve ever created. I have the designs ready and workers are busy on the graphical foundations already – we just need the Cutlerine’s final approval before we continue with the main building work.

It’s literally just Spiral Tower and Sootopolis mixed together. Stop talking about this like it’s an actual structure you built, ya dingus.

Belinda: So you’re very excited about this?

Martha: Excited? I’m so excited I could burst!

[EXPLOSION]

Goodbye Martha. Funeral services will be held never.

Belinda: That was... unexpected. Anyway, I guess I’ll go back to interviewing Herod now.

Herod: Hello again, Belinda. I would say yes, continue with the interview, but I think you’ll find we need to get out of here. There’s been a leak of Weird and everyone has to evacuate?

... Really?

Belinda: A leak of... Weird?

Herod: Yes, the stuff that makes Pokémon Snakewood so delightfully eclectic and bizarre, and at times somewhat disturbing. Unleashed... well, you saw what it did to Martha, and what it resulted in with Harrison. We have to get out of here!

No, the weird makes Snakewood an absolute mess of a rom hack. It degrades the quality of the game and I’m pretty sure if a better zombie apocalypse rom hack came out, it would completely overshadow this game.

Belinda: This is Belinda Latchley, of Mixed Media Studios, signing off. Oh God, what is that thing?!

Is it A Monster?

Herod: Run! No one can stop it now!

[ROAR; SNARL]

Belinda: But Herod! You’ll die!

Herod: Go! Save yourself! You’re still young – aaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

[WHITE NOISE]

And there goes the Deadly Seven. Hallelujah.

Well, that script was... a thing. Why did it exist? I have no idea. (In hindsight, this was probably the easiest chapter to make yet)

But yeah. There was also an achievements document that came with this, but let me just sum it up for you - it's either all nonsensical garbage that no sane player would ever attempt (Perfect Black: Navigate the Madio Caves without Flash. - like seriously??) or simple to the point of "why was this an achievement?". ([name]! I Choose You!: Obtain a starter Pokémon.) After this, though, it should really be the end.

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