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Idk, I'm Tired.



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Idk, I'm Tired.

Posted December 23rd, 2015 at 12:42 AM by Palamon

First of all, three days until I'm 19! (Not like I care. I just like making it a big deal that it's my birthday soon.)

I suppose that's something to look forward to. No longer being a new adult, but having been an adult for a whole year. But, oh boy, am I looking forward to another year of gender dysphoria and random mood swings I can't control. And if you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic as hell in the second line. Ho hum.

Lately, I've been thinking about a whole lot of messy things. I've been kind of down lately as it is, I suppose, no one would notice, anyway.

I've posted a lot about gender in here lately, apart from close friends, and my entire Twitter audience, I guess, not a lot of people know what I've been going through. I'm finally getting more boy's/men's clothes, and bought my first necktie. ...Don't know what I'll be using it for, but it's for future reference.

The term I use for my gender is "intergender" it's the exact same thing as mixed gender, but I'm questioning the potency of this gender identity on me.

Lately, I've felt like I have the soul of a boy. I've only told a few people that, but maybe I'm just being stupid, and don't know what I'm freaking talking about. Well... at my core, I'm a boy, trapped within the body of an adult female... if that makes any sense?

But what I want is to radiate both or no gender at all. I want to get surgery, but only to remove the girl parts, and not outright become a boy. Because I don't want to be a boy. I don't want to be stuck in a female body either... hmm. In a way, I've always wanted to be one, since I was little, and I was never really either a male or female, but I don't know. Maybe I'm just being dumb, like I keep repeating...

As a child, female stereotypes were shoved up my ass. I never liked it, and have never acted like one. Except for the time I was bullied by many girls, but that's for another time.

And if you think I'm part of "everyone on PC is transgender!" fad...

Okay, first off all:

1.) I've had issues with my gender for nearly a year now. Before all these mambo jambo new pronouns came around.
2.) I was...never comfortable in my own body in the first place. I was borderline anorexic once, for god's sakes. I can attest to this.
3.) I'm just going to say mom told me, in the hospital, dad literally said, "THEY COULD BE WRONG, HE COULD BE A BOY." When they said I designated as the opposite of that at birth.
4.) The only reason I express myself with female avatars is because I like girls, and think they're pretty. It doesn't mean anything.
5.) I use pink because I'm too used to typing in color. Pink =/= girl.

At the end of the day, I'm not sure. I'm... just so unsure. Gender is such a pain in the ass, and it's kicking me in the shin every day. I'm so tormented by it, and no matter what I do, or vent, it doesn't change the fact about how bothered I am by all this.

I'm still going to use they/them pronouns. Please follow suit. Do not call me she/her, please, I freak out. irl, I can't speak out about this because no one will understand. My mom is transphobic, and no one irl will likely help me out. The most I can do is wear a chest binder and wear more guyish clothes... and maybe tell people to call me by my middle name, since Pala isn't a real name irl. =/

Ah well... I guess the world isn't perfect, and I can't be happy.
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  1. Old Comment
    Universe's Avatar
    i sure hope everyone on PC is transgender-- imagine the parties!
    Posted December 23rd, 2015 at 4:01 AM by Universe Universe is offline
 

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