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I suppose I should say...?

Posted August 20th, 2015 at 10:21 PM by Palamon
Updated August 20th, 2015 at 10:26 PM by Palamon

I need to edit some of the info here... right.

First off, one thing I will make clear. My pronouns are they/them/their now.

I want to be honest, I'd rather people avoid pronouns with me. Refer to me as Pala if you choose to avoid pronouns. I won't be offended if people use she on me, but my pronouns are they/them/their now. I'm just going to come out and say I identify as mixed gender, meaning a mix between male and female. Outside the binary. I don't associate with my birthname. I'm just too lazy to change my display name to "Pala" on every website that has Melissa Waterflower as the display.

I feel Pala is gender neutral as a name, and that's why I use it. It did start out as a nickname, but now it's my preferred name. I will put it on job applications as my preferred name when I get there. Palamon is my identity, but not my name. Name =/= identity. Of course, since irl, this will be confusing, I won't tell anyone about this yet, and I won't come out of the closet about my gender yet. (I still haven't come out about my sexuality, either, so.)

Um, I also have a few alters. They exist inside this thing in my head I call a "mindscape." Think of them as different personalities. They come out a lot, and I know when I'm switching because I can feel their uh, "pulse" as I'd like to call it. I have four of them, well, three that front, and one that needs to be triggered. Yes, one of them is male. They probably won't come here since I don't log into this place as much as I used to.

I'm also working out all my triggers and complexes. My bother with my age (ie, hating it, etc), and many other things to be better as a person and actually learn to like myself. Right now, that's not really possible. I'm working on it. I'll get there. Things will work out, somehow.

I guess, that one day, I'll be happy as I am, and like who I've become. It's going to take one step at a time, and I have lot of issues (and a few mental illnesses), so it might take a few years. It has been taking a few years. I'm still fighting, but I've figured out gender and my identity. That's at least getting me somewhere, right?

I've also finally cast away that "dark person" thing I used to say all the time. That's not a good representation of myself. Who outright says they're emo on the internet? Those days are pretty much over. I'm not going to paint that image of myself anymore. And to all the people who use to mock at me for this behind my back, I'm not about that anymore. I've had writers block for months. That's where all the darkness is going to go, anyway.

I'm also going to be careful who I make friends with online these days. I don't plan to get too close to too many people anymore. I also won't just vent to anyone anymore, either. That was me, I guess, from 2012 to maybe 2014. I do remember all those long, emo blog entires I wrote on Ever Grande City when it was still around, and yeah, I can see why that kind of thing made people uncomfortable.

And no, that doesn't mean I'm ready to grow up. I dislike the idea of being 18. I was terrified when I was about to, and I still am. I mean, it's not like I already don't talk to children the age of fifteen. I'm careful of what I say around people of that age group since I'm technically an adult by law. Mentally, I'm still twelve (or maybe even younger), but I do suppose I have to one day take responsibility.

I have no idea what my goal was, making this post. I'm still pretty immature, and still kind of annoying. by the way, I'm still into Pokemon, and I'm really excited about the new Mystery Dungeon game coming out whenever. I know a lot of people don't really know me here. That's because my presence is pretty much nonexistent. Eh. What are you going to do about it? I'm just another person who sometimes comes here, and, one day, like everyone else, I'll move on from Pokemon forums.

I have no idea when that'll be. Probably not until I'm in my late 20s, early 30s. Even then, who knows. Right, okay, that's all I have to say.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Esper's Avatar
    Turning 18 might seem scary or uncomfortable at first, but you'll grow into it and get used to it and it won't bother you so much after a while.
    Posted August 21st, 2015 at 9:26 AM by Esper Esper is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Aquacorde's Avatar
    ayyy pala i'm proud of you! it takes a lot to come out like this and that's very brave <3
    Posted August 21st, 2015 at 10:04 AM by Aquacorde Aquacorde is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    I think you place too much importance on labels. Be confident for who you are and realise you don't need to rely on definitions or words. Just be proud to be you- I don't see why you need to describe your traits, habits, or personality quirks to everyone like it's a disclaimer. :P We don't need an explanation to like you.
    Posted August 22nd, 2015 at 3:36 PM by Kura Kura is offline