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On Depression


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On Depression

Posted June 16th, 2016 at 1:20 AM by Candy

Sometimes I wonder, is it even worth living when no one around you understands you, on what you're dealing with? Sure we got the anonymous faces of the internet to mitigate that, but it's just not enough.

I just got into a fight with my mother, all because she discovered my bank account's history and promptly scolded me on the huge amount of money I've wasted on video games and music alone. I mean sure I can pirate them but I have too much of a guilt conscience to do that. Anyway, she questions why I got really addicted, and puts it on the blame of the Nintendo DSL I bought when I was 11.

Now let me get this clear, I am not a video game addict. At least, I used to not be one. High school I socialize a lot with my friends, I was productive in my art, writing and even studies. I watched a lot of anime, read a lot of manga, but they're allocated in a pretty spread schedule. In fact, I rarely played video games even though I got a copy of both XY back at my final year (yeah, believe that).

But university hits and I faced a point where I don't want to do anything. The first semester I was okay, depression doesn't hit me that hard in the face, but it was there. I started to withdraw from socialization, and the amount of things I did decreased exponentially. It reached a point where all I did was watch anime 'cause everything else feels like a chore. I wanted to turn my brain off and just immerse myself with things that doesn't require work.

Second semester hits and oh boy, it got worse. I didn't want to do anything aside from the video games. Anime starts to be a chore to watch, and everything else just falls apart. Around this time I started to get active on PC, because it's my only source of joy at the moment. It was also around this time when I started to skip classes a lot, making up excuses just so I could pass the class with the minimum required attendance because I can't be bothered to deal with it anymore.

And then I discovered the UG. I remember the day when Yuki invited me over into the Faes Skype Chat and actively engaged in the discussion, and it wasn't just a discussion on the game more like a game discussion with a hint of daily chit chat.

The creation of the UG Skype Chat as well as the GT12 were really the highlight of 2015 for me. Every day I get to talk with other people and even get to engage on not-so-friendly debates with them. It was fun, I had people I can talk to, I was starting to socialize even if it's just with anonymous faces on the internet.

Third semester, ho boy. If you've read one of my previous blog post, you know what happened. It really hit me hard. Truth be told, I barely played video games anymore back then, all I did was hang out at the chats nearly 24/7, with screwed sleep schedules, only showering like, twice a week (not kidding on this) and laundry once every two weeks or so. I've contemplated suicide a lot as well, either by starving myself to death or jumping in front of a train, but I know no one wants that so I refrained. All I cared about is lounge around in my room, rolling in my own filth and just go on a daze. It hits the peak when I skipped class for a full week, because I can't be bothered to do it anymore.

After that huge moment of debating with my parents, I took the rest of the semester off and stayed at home. I started to actually be somewhat productive, but all in all I just cared about the chats, since my social life in real life is so disorientated that I resorted to that for my social needs.

Honestly right now, I don't play video games to engage in a fulfilling story or because I'm a huge addict that needs games to fuel me for the day. Heck, I can go a full day without playing one and I won't have withdrawal symptoms. I can go a full day without my laptop and I can find other things to do instead. Heck, I can go a full day without the internet. I'm not an addict whatsoever.

In fact, video games actually allow me to socialize more. Idc about story or whatever, in fact most of the games I scored hours upon are sandboxes, roguelikes as well as boardgames. I enjoy playing with a group, I enjoy doing all sorts of stuff with other people because it's fun. It makes me happy.

Music on the other hand, I mean I get that I can pirate them but ew at the quality plus I want to support the artists anyway. I mean, most of the money I spent is actually on music, all because of my guilt conscience (tbf, if you spent your whole life pirating you will develop it anyway).

Right now my mom is threatening to disconnect the internet as well as putting me back at my relative's place, which I declined hardly. The internet's one my only source of happiness right now aside from my imagination (and I can tell you, my imagination gets really dark sometimes). I don't want to go back to my relative's place either, because it reminds me too much of everything I had to deal with.

But my parents don't understand that. They don't understand depression. They don't understand how it feels like to have everyone piling expectations on you even though you just want to do your own thing. They don't understand how it feels to see everything you used to love slowly get smashed into millions of pieces.

Sure, they may seem to see that I have a childish mentality since I can't get over something trivial and start working my arse off for university, thinking that I'm too lazy and should fix that part of me. I do agree with that, but honestly if they know what I really feel, it's not that I can't get over something trivial like a D on a report card, it's that depression hits me so hard on the face that I can't be bothered to fix such a thing.

Let's just say that if it keeps going, I might actually consider jumping in front a moving train.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Well... I don't really know what to say to this, aside from you have at least one person (Probably loads more but I can only speak for one) who would miss having you around. I'm no expert on the subject of depression, so all I can offer is this: everything will work out somehow. Just have faith in yourself and do everything you can do.
    Posted June 16th, 2016 at 6:26 AM by Bardothren Bardothren is offline
  2. Old Comment
    gimmepie's Avatar
    Seconding bard, you and your ever-changing Skype name would be missed. So please steer clear of anything likely to result in death.

    Honestly, I can completely relate to a lot of what you're feeling and I'm sure I'm not the only one. It sucks to be unhappy or depressed and it sucks to have people trying to keep you from doing things that you love or that help keep you from taking that step onto the tracks.

    Regardless though, even the most miserable of us have something in life worth living for. It might feel silly or trivial, but if its important to you or fun to you that's the big thing. If you ever need someone to talk to, about anything, you know where to find me.
    Posted June 16th, 2016 at 6:44 AM by gimmepie gimmepie is offline
  3. Old Comment
    KetsuekiR's Avatar
    Bard and GP are right, you'd be terribly missed. I mean, who else could I bother people about moving to Discord with? Who else would pick the creepy ass Seagull and wreck us all with it in OJ? Who else could come up with the crappiest drawings on PokePic and have us all in fits of laughter? Nobody, that's who!

    I can't say I understand how you feel but I can say this; persevere. I know it may seem impossible at times and it'll look like you won't make it. But persevere. I'll kill you myself if you don't.
    Posted June 20th, 2016 at 3:46 AM by KetsuekiR KetsuekiR is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Honestly? I think you're actually being childish. Your parents are obviously caring about your general wellbeing. The fact that you think a D on a reportcard as being trivial proves this.

    I honestly think that your parents are not actually aware of how depressed you are. But I also kind of question it. Usually people in a dark depression honestly do not socialize as you would expect; but I'm not a psychologist. I could be wrong about your feelings, of course, since you only gave us a small peek of your emotions lately.

    But honestly you think that jumping in front of a train is really going to benefit anyone? Try communicating in a more mature way. Write an open letter. Reach out. Stop being lazy. Start being grateful for what you have and work on yourself. You're the only person who can pull you out of depression. Stop blaming it on the fact that other people "don't understand."

    And if you're serious about getting better, do some research and look up local facilities/ groups/ mentoring/ etc and use some of your money on a psychologist instead of games that ultimately wont drag you out of the situation you put yourself in.

    Tough love, honey.
    Posted June 23rd, 2016 at 10:50 AM by Kura Kura is offline
 

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