Dear PokéCommunity

Many of you may have read over the past month or so about my recent weight loss on things like the irc or daily chit chats. It has been a big topic about how I have now eaten enough and how it has affected my health, physically and mentally. Yesterday, March 30th, was the worst day of my life and now I have fallen further than rock bottom.

The morning started off promising as I knew it was going to be the exciting day that I finally got my braces taken off. I awoke (annoyingly) at 1:30am, after about three and a half hours sleep (which at this point in my life is about the medium to medium low nights rest for me). I got up and made myself my normal cup of tea bowl of porridge with all bran (which is my favourite meal) and was relatively happy despite a lack of sleep. I played PokéPark Wii for a while as I planned to purchase the sequel the following day while I rode my exercise bike gently for couple hours to see if I could make myself tired enough to sleep again.

I managed to get another hour or so sleep before waking up again and watching television while surfing the web. I did some of my english homework and had some more cereal before having to leave for my appointment in the city. I arrived in the city and had my braces removed and it seemed like the day might turn out not to be too bad. I seemed have gotten over the worry of falling behind in the classes that I had missed to attend the appointments and planned to do the studying for them during lunch.

I got home and chewed my first bit of gum in two years and then walked to school. As I was just crossing the road to school, any joy for the day stopped there.

I am someone who likes to multitask, and as such, was playing Pokémon Emerald while I was walking. About half way across the road I tripped on an uneven bit of the bitumen an fell chin first into the road. In pain, I stumbled to my english class and dumped my books on my desk. I then signed in at the front office, all the while holding some tissues to hold the torrent of blood pouring from my chin. I went back to my locker and gave myself some first aid from the medical supplies from my bag, cleaning my chin with alcohol rub and then somewhat bandaged it up, before tending to my other grazes on my hands, right elbow, knees and shoulder.

I went to my english class and did the work I needed to, handed it up and left. By that time, it was lunch. I went out to see my friends, as I wasn't in the mood to study right at that point and showed them my chin. After nagging about how I'll need stitches, I eventually went and looked in the mirror to have a look about how bad it was. As I am stubborn, I never would normally go to the sick room for bleeding. But then I saw my chin. There was pretty much a hole in it, it was really deep.

I thought it would be best to go to the sick room, even though I knew I would be sent home and miss another class and have to catch up on more work. They said I would definitely need stitches and called my mum and she took me to the GP. After going there, they sent me to the hospital I got into a room where I had to wait for a few hours for anything to actually happen with my chin. This was really annoying because I just wanted to get home.

They then told me that I had to see a paediatrician because of my very low weight and anorexia, which I really didn't want to do because I was going to have to do that the following tuesday and wednesday anyway. I really hated them because they asked the same questions every time and the fact that I was actually starting to exercise less and eat more and was improving. My chin eventually got stitched up, and then I was given news that has now made me completely and utterly the most depressed and dead in my life.

They told me that I had to stay in the hospital and and a tube stuck down my nose and feed me because I didn't weigh enough and that I needed a drip in my arm overnight. If that wasn't distressing enough to me, the next thing my me break down utterly and totally into tears. They were keeping me in hospital until they can get me up to a stable weight range, which would a month.

So now I am stuck in a hospital bed, not allowed to get up, the most I can do being standing to pee into a bottle. Having a small box television, poor internet and being forced an uncomfortable tube shoved down my nose the whole time. I have to eat the hospital food (which is extremely bland and limited) and when they serve it. I have to be supervised when I'm doing my business and in the shower. I have no life anymore.

My arm has already swollen from the drip they put in because they left it in too long, they put it on my right arm and I'm right handed and the machine next to me keeps beeping because of idek.

So I am depressed. More depressed than I ever thought possible. I don't see what the point in being conscious is. I sit in bed all day. I may as well be paralysed. I know there are other people that have it worse. But I'm made further depressed because I was just starting to make a turn around, I wanted to take it at my own pace, but now I've been locked into what can only be described as a nightmare. I won't get to go home for a month. They don't trust that I can get up and go to the toilet without doing exercise. I admitted I have anorexia, I was trying to get better. But this just proves to me that I'm a failure at that. My whole opinion of nothing is impossible has died forever (no pun untended).

I apologise if I seem to have changed for the worse as a person. It is just that I am in a dark place now, and will be for a long time. I will be on PC still, just different. I hope you all can understand.

Also I'm modding the comments. If Drakow posts one, I'm deleting it because I do not care for his input on the topic tbqh and I can tell what he'll say. tl;dr material i know

sending you love vappy<3
You should write an amazing book!

Focus on making your habits healthy again. The hospital food may be bland, but it's made in such a way that it's going to feed you the nutrients you need. Eating healthier can help solve the not getting enough sleep matter because your body will have the nutrition it needs in it in order to properly fast. See about getting a family member to bring you some books to give you some variety in tasks to do while idle in bed in the short term, if you haven't already. And listen to the doctors - they are professionals at treating the human body and genuinely worry when you aren't cooperating to better your own health. That and following their program has the highest odds of getting you out of the hospital the quickest. If you don't follow their program, you could end up staying far longer than a month.

And don't get down about not having been able to pull yourself out entirely on your own - being the social creatures that we are, humans often need some assistance when we have been struggling with deeply serious personal problems, be they emotional, mental, or physical.

I hope everything works out, man.

Hi there! I know you don't know me and I don't know you but I felt like I should comment and offer some advice.

I've been in a sort of similar situation to you. Last year I had to get a fairly serious spinal operation and I'm not going to lie - I felt terrible. Like you, I was stuck in a hospital bed, unable to get out and walk around (well I couldn't really walk anyways), couldn't go to the toilet (I had a catheter) and whenever I wanted to go on my side I had to call a nurse to help me. When I was able to go for a shower I had to get some random nurse, whom I had never met, before to help clean myself and whatnot. I had two (or three, I think I had a big one and two little ones) cannulae stuck in my hands which was really unpleasant, and a morphine drip. And agree - the hospital food isn't the best cuisine in the world. I didn't really like watching the little television and I couldn't even read a book because I was too weak to lift it up. I felt horrible; I thought my life was pretty much over.

But you know what? It isn't over. If anything, it's gotten better. And another thing: you have to look at the positives. All of this is going to make you feel better and will be good for you in the long run. No doubt it's going to be difficult but you can do it! If I could do it, then anyone can! And I completely agree with everything donavannj has said: I know you might not want to eat but it's very important (even more so in your case). It's easier said than done (I didn't have much of an appetite at all when I was in hospital), but you really have to try and eat.

And don't be so hard on yourself. Sometimes us humans need a bit of help. It might be harder if you're more if an independent person (i.e. myself) but sometimes you just have to let go of your independence and allow others to help you in order to feel and get better.

Sorry if this seems a bit creepy or anything, but I just felt like I should post a comment here to let you know everything will get better. It takes time, but it will get better.

o_O That's terrible...

There's nothing wrong with you at all, omg I just hope you get better quicker :(

I don't blame you for wanting to delete Drakow's comments.

Anyway, I'm sorry this happened to you, Vappy. :( I wish there was something I could do to help. Don pretty much covered what I wanted to say, though so this is a useless comment. Just voicing support and such, I suppose. But yeah! Wish I could do something. :<

Vappy I'm so sorry that things had to turn out this way. :( I hope as the days pass it becomes more tolerable to you, and at least when you get out you will only have to focus on maintaining what you have, not turning your entire life around all on your own. Now you have a team of doctors on your side and they really do know what's best so try to listen to them so you can get healthy okay?

<3

hope you get better man. :(