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My writing, how can I improve?

Posted September 24th, 2018 at 4:48 AM by Ace Trainer Slash
Updated January 17th, 2019 at 9:19 PM by Ace Trainer Slash

I'm making a dark Pokemon ROM Hack, focused on the torture and suffering of the human race, and Pokemon. The dark approach has been done before in other hacks, but mine is intended to be very dark, where I actively find the darkest things about history and today, and compile them into one ROM Hack, and a new story. Here is an excerpt for a person event I made. Just as a note, I love the Pokemon series, it's my first favourite game, don't think I hate it or anything from what I've written. :) It is quite dark however (in my opinion, it involves dark torture to people/Pokemon.), if you don't wish to read, don't open the spoiler tag. If anyone does read it, is there any way I can improve upon the text? Thankyou.

Spoiler:
'Hm? These containers? Oh, you must mean the containment cells… Yes… This is where we keep our test subjects. We first find them in the wild, beat them until near death, and preserve them. We then run tests on them, and study their anatomy, taking a body part here and there for personal study… I recommend you leave, young child, something bad might happen if you overstay… For sure…' The protagonist notices in the shadow of the container an ape-like body… The protagonist looks closer to see a human face, carelessly stitched to a Simisear’s body.
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  1. Old Comment
    My writing, how can I improve?
    Posted October 15th, 2018 at 6:39 AM by hoangnganvy1993 hoangnganvy1993 is offline
  2. Old Comment
    mgriffin's Avatar
    Not related to the writing inside the spoiler, but I came from today's post ("Making a ROM Hack.") and one thing I'd recommend is using paragraphs in your blog posts! I'm glad you're having fun making ROM hacks, but it was very hard to read everything you wrote there because it's so long, and I saw you do it here too.

    Anyway, comments about your writing:
    Quote:
    This is where we keep our test subjects. We first find them in the wild, beating them until near death, and preserve them!
    You change tenses in this sentence. You probably mean: "We first find them in the wild, beat them until near death, and preserve them". But to be honest this is my least favorite sentence, I think if you want your villain to be menacing you would have more success only implying what horrible things happen to the Pokémon they capture.

    I also think you could find a better way to have the villain threaten the protagonist. Because you later describe how faces are stitched onto Pokémon, maybe you could go with something like "I recommend you leave—child—unless you'd like to be part of my next experiment…"

    It's just my opinion, but from what you've written I think your character is ominous and unsettling, but he reminds me more of those villains who are eerily calm and collected while they perform horrific acts of violence, and that's where I would want to make all the horror come from.

    It would also help if you used quotation marks around the antagonist's speech.
    Posted January 8th, 2019 at 2:17 PM by mgriffin mgriffin is online now
  3. Old Comment
    Ace Trainer Slash's Avatar
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by mgriffin View Comment
    Not related to the writing inside the spoiler, but I came from today's post ("Making a ROM Hack.") and one thing I'd recommend is using paragraphs in your blog posts! I'm glad you're having fun making ROM hacks, but it was very hard to read everything you wrote there because it's so long, and I saw you do it here too.

    Anyway, comments about your writing:

    You change tenses in this sentence. You probably mean: "We first find them in the wild, beat them until near death, and preserve them". But to be honest this is my least favorite sentence, I think if you want your villain to be menacing you would have more success only implying what horrible things happen to the Pokémon they capture.

    I also think you could find a better way to have the villain threaten the protagonist. Because you later describe how faces are stitched onto Pokémon, maybe you could go with something like "I recommend you leave—child—unless you'd like to be part of my next experiment…"

    It's just my opinion, but from what you've written I think your character is ominous and unsettling, but he reminds me more of those villains who are eerily calm and collected while they perform horrific acts of violence, and that's where I would want to make all the horror come from.

    It would also help if you used quotation marks around the antagonist's speech.
    Pardon me for the late reply. I'm grateful for the advice you've given me, this entire idea is kinda newish
    to me, and some things I've mentioned just don't go well together. :D Like, even looking at it now, the entire concept seems kinda edgy, and somewhat unrealistic, but now, since my other hack is turning into a smaller project, this new one might overtake it, and then I can think of more complex, and respond towards darker tones more appropriately.

    I've seen other hackers and fan game creators do this before, I thought it would be interesting to take a serious approach to a series like Pokemon. If I'm to be honest, the piece of dialogue I gave was just letting out ideas, and would be perhaps something an admin of my evil team would say. Even then, thanks for critiquing my writing, I've taken writing to more serious approaches before, but I'm looking at it now, I can apply unsettling tones to minor characters to set a mood, and with the primary antagonist, make him more of a simple character, out of contrast.
    Posted January 17th, 2019 at 9:34 PM by Ace Trainer Slash Ace Trainer Slash is offline