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Kaori's Story

Posted September 18th, 2011 at 7:15 PM by Aquacorde
Updated July 12th, 2016 at 10:00 PM by Aquacorde (back by popular (maybe) demand)
Tags wtf

This is a story written mainly by Kaori with a bit by Spino, compiled and creatively edited by yours truly. Enjoy.

Spino is telling you this because he has experienced the pain of a printer. See his printer got stolen. Drakow stole it. HE STOLE IT I TELL YOU! Let me tell you the story of Drakow's one and true love...

A printer, a sol, Inka, was found in a store that no longer exists. It got shut down for selling heartbreaking devices. One day, a fine old man bought this printer. He loved the ring of the name this printer had, and something about it tuned him on. Inka D-157 Puddle Deluxe Edition. It was quite the money then, 400 schillings. However, when the man brought his lovely new printer home to his farm, he was sad to discover that he had no plug unit.

Just behind the store windows was a young tall boy who dreamed of printing many prints. He was not allowed in the store because the manager had once told him that his sauce was dripping everywhere. So for this reason he was banned from entering. The man, coming to return the printer he had no use for, noticed this boy looking wistfully into the shop. He went towards the boy and said, “Dear sir, you do notice you have been sauced?”

The boy simply stared, awed by the beauty of the man's printer. The man, so concerned with the child's well-being that he forgot to return the printer, took the boy by the arm and on they went back to the farm. By the time they reached it, rain started falling so the old man decided to keep the strange boy for a day or two. The man wondered if the boy was mute, for he had not responded to any question put to him, but decide to try once more. “Dear sir, what is your name? Mine is Lala.”

This time the boy responded, much to his surprise. “I'm Spino I like your printer.”

Lala was confused as to why this boy would be so interested in a printer or who would name a child Spino but since he had no use for such a thing he bestowed upon Spino the printer. Spino was so excited he immediately began to search for a plug unit.

“I don't have one around,” Lala chuckled. “But you're welcome to stroke the printer!”

The printer was delighted by this and to Lala and Spino's surprise, it began to talk!

“PAPER,” it said. Spino jumped. Lala cried. Not ever in his life did Spino ever hear a printer talk!

“Did you just talk?” Spino asked.

“I did!” it replied. Spino was amused. Lala decided he needed pills.

“What is your name?”

“I am Inka D-157 but you can call me Inka.”

The rest of Spino's afternoon was spent talking to the marvelous printer. Eventually it came to pass that he spent so much time with Inka that he had forgotten his family and school friends. That was okay, though, because they had been struck by lightning and killed. He had been making new friends anyway, since Lala's farm was a popular hangout. He met great animals- there was even a Wolf!

Life at the farm was good for Spino until one day a huge, intimidating man who filled the room with shadows spent hours arguing with Lala.

“I'm tired of your stupid street lamp turning on at night!” the muscular man lectured.

“But... it's a street lamp, dear sir! That is its function!”

"The light is a disgrace to my aurora of darkness. I swear one day when I rule the world, you'll be the first to go! TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOL" and with the laugh of dark doom, the man turned around on his black heel, his cape flowing close behind, and left.

The mysterious man had aroused Lala's interest. He began to think of ways to bring the tall dark stranger back to his farm, but the only thing Lala could think of was to light his streetlights every night and await the stranger's return.

The plan worked better than Lala had imagined. The very next day saw the dark stranger's return, wearing the very same long cape with the logo “Strong&Black”, tall black boots and black shades. He stormed up to the barn. As he approached, Lala opened the door only to have a Yu-Gi-Oh card thrust into his face. The stranger proclaimed that Lala would duel him, right then and there, for control over the streetlight. Lala had never played a card game in his life; the only games he had been taught were ones of pleasure.

Suddenly it began to rain. Lala pulled him inside to prevent him catching a cold. The stranger was outraged at this behaviour and the fact that he was now stuck until the rain stopped. Not only was he trapped in a barn, he was stuck with a creepy farmer, meddling animals and a saucy kid.

“What foolishness,” he muttered darkly.

While the man was staying with them, Lala decided to get to know him better. Usually he did this with people in a room with pleasure, which tended to turn out a bit differently. But he was always able to adapt.

The man explained that his name was Drakow. He would not tolerate being called anything but. However, Lala insisted that it could not be his real name and since they were stuck in a barn pointlessly arguing over rubbish he did not care about, he finally admitted his real name.

They then realized that the rain was over and Drakow was free to leave. Lala was upset at this and attempted to quickly devise a plan to keep Drakow at the farm. Unfortunately, he could not think of a good one, so he decided to keep questioning the man until he could.

Meanwhile, Spino and Wolf pondered on what it would be like to have a down syndrome when a chair suddenly broke. They were rather bored, but before they knew it Inka had printed out something that would change their social lives forever.

"The GC is the newest and hottest forum around! You interested in RPs, games, polls, trivia and more? This is the place to go! Why wait? Sign up now! We even have an exclusive por- oh wait that's right it's staff exclusive only. Nevermind. Join!" the page advertised. Wolf and Spino wanted to join, but how could they? After all, printers could only print. And talk. But nether ability was helpful for joining a forum. So the two decided to ask Inka more about this forum. Inka explained it was only rubbish but the members were fun!

“Say, Inka, do you think we could talk to those members... through you?”

Just then Inka printed out a whole chat log of an interesting chatroom. In it were six users. Their names were Stunfisk, Weinberg, Kkko, Armageddons, Strongth and Waveon.

“Which moms can get more creative than that?” Wolf speculated.

The chat log had a very nice setup and Wolf began to howl out loud.

strongth: what are you hiding from us?
kkko: n-nothing hehe..!
armageddons: what
waveon: lol, shush guys! I'm recording here
weinberg: doesn't look hidden to me ;)
kkko: well if I must.

Spino shoved the paper away. “This is so boring haha.”

Wolf agreed, and thought it would probably be best if he could get his paws on a computer. Spino, on the other paw- er, hand- had no idea what a computer was.

Two weeks went by and Lala's questions had detained Drakow the whole time. Finally, he was fed up.

“That's it! I've had enough of your foolishness!”

Lala was astonished. “Well, Sir Drakow, you must know that I am only interested in your dark juice.”

Drakow was speechless. He had told Lala the story of how he turned to the dark side, what had happened to him as a kid, and even so the man was only interested in his goods. Without a word, seething with suppressed rage, Drakow turned on his heel and vanished.

Drakow returned to his dark, lonely castle and sat in the nearest chair. His eyes found and fixated on the picture of him as a boy, sitting on Santa's lap, looking so happy that it disgusted him. Yet he still kept this picture after all the years, and there it sat collecting dust. Drakow, for the first time in many years, began to cry. "I don't even have a picture of my family. What do I even care, they never loved me anyway." Drakow quickly recovered and began to contemplate the two weeks he spent at that ridiculous farm. Somehow he got the feeling there was something missing from his life, but never before had he known what. Now he knew he needed a lover... but where could he find one?

Drakow had an extensive library hidden in a secret part of the basement. It was there that he went next, searching for the perfect book that would teach him everything he needed to know about finding the one who would truly love him.

Drakow searched for hours and hours, carefully looking over every shelf to find the right book. Finally he gave up and sat on the dusty wooden floor of the library, staring blankly at the books that mocked him with their emotionless covers.

Drakow wanted love. But not just any love. He did not wish to love a human. He thought some more and remembered talking to the lovely little printer back at the farm. Suddenly his hear spoke, saying, “Drakow... Drakow...”

But Drakow was too bus thinking to pay attention. Finally his heart snapped, “DRAKOW!”

Drakow jumped. “I see you are seeking love,” it said, but was interrupted when the shelf in front of Drakow started to tip slowly in his direction. He wondered if he was imagining things but before he could decide, what seemed like a million books came raining down on him, followed by the heavy oak shelf.

“Now I know what it's like to be caught in an avalanche,” Drakow groaned as he fought his way out from under the tomes. After pulling himself onto his feet, he noticed there was a hole in the ceiling. Sunlight shone down into his eyes. The day was bad enough already, now he was being assaulted by the light. He stormed out of the library, kicking his fluffy black kitten out of his was and went to his bedroom. His maid Bela was in the room, finishing making his bed.

“Drakow, when are you ever going to pay me back for the things I do for you?” the maid questioned plaintively.

Drakow wouldn't take any of Bela's nonsense. “You want to do something for me? Teach me to love,” he grumbled. Before he could take back his suggestive comment, Bela was already on a mission: to find Drakow's true love. The maid thought and though and finally realized the perfect solution to Drakow's misery.

“eHarmony!” Bela exclaimed triumphantly. It would work, it had to- Bela was determined that it would. After creating a profile for Drakow, she realized no-one would be interested in the set up at all. He was so bland! She began making a new profile, with a handsome picture and romantic descriptions, everything a girl could want!

Meanwhile, back at the farm, Spino and Wolf were becoming concerned with Inka's strange behaviour. She seemed lonely, even though Lala gave her the pleasure of staying at his farm. It seemed that not even Spino's sauce could make her happy anymore.

“Found it!” Wolf howled.

“Found what?” Spino and Lala asked.

“Inka needs love!” Wolf exclaimed, nerdy eyes gleaming.

Spino seemed confused. “Love?”

“Oh, you don't know? No problem, I'll get a dickshenory!” Wolf said, trotting off.

Lala stopped him. “No neeeed to, dear Wolf. Love is excitement, joy, and the pleasure you get with another. Usually happens in bed.”

While Wolf and Spino started trying to find the printer some love, Drakow was on his first date with Saria, 27 years old, from Texas. Bela had set them up through eHarmony.

“It amazes me that you've come all the way from Texas to see... me!” Drakow admitted. They were sitting at Olive Garden, and it happened to be Drakow's first ever visit to a restaurant.

“...Actually Ah was hopin' ta see the guy in the picture. You don't look anythin' like him. All y'all people on eHarmeneh lyin' 'bout yer age and yer size makes me really question this stupid site,” Saria lamented.

Drakow was confused. It had been his maid who had set up his profile, had someone hacked him not long after? He fidgeted, beginning to feel uncomfortable. “So... what do you do for a living?”

“Ah'm a strippur in one o' them classy clubs, y'know? All them rich folk come in and pay good money to see me shakin' mah stuff.”

Drakow was utterly disgused. “You should be ashamed,” he admonished her, and swept out of the Olive Garden.

He walked aimlessly, letting the cool night air calm his nerves. He found himself thinking about the farm and the residents of it and on a whim decided to go back there. Luckily, when he got there the lights were on in the barn, signifying that Lala was home. It wasn't Lala he had come here for, but something else about this place...

Before Drakow could knock, Lala opened the barn door. “Dear sir, I knew you would return.”

Spino and Wolf had been doing everything within their power to find Inka's true love. Lala had tried to help too, but Lala's suggestions were too R-rated for Inka- at least, that was how she printed it. They had tried the Sudowoodo plush, the Skitty, a fan, a keyboard... nothing had sparked the poor printer's interest. But just as Drakow entered the barn, Spino and Wolf pulled him into the room with Inka.

“How about him?” they asked her in unison.

Inka began to print out an answer since she refused to speak, but... she was out of ink! Spino and Wolf began to cry. Drakow felt uneasy. He glanced at Lala, who shrugged. “Don't look at me, dear sir, I've got two cows to milk.”

Drakow felt as if he should do something for the poor printer, in fact he felt as if it were only he who could help. He rushed to find anything that could be of use to the printer, but unfortunately all he could find was disappointment. Drakow fell to his knees in despair and for the second time that week began to cry. His tears fell onto the printer and to everyone's surprise, Inka began to print. A silence fell until Inka had finished printing. The image was not at all neat, but it was obvious that it was of a heart. Drakow felt as if a great burden had left him as relief flooded through his veins.

“Perhaps you should keep this printer, Drakow. It seems aroused by your presence,” Lala pointed out.

Spino and Wolf nodded in agreement, but they were saddened to see Inka leave. “C-can we see it every once in a while?” they pleaded. Drakow felt awkward, but assured them that they could. He took the printer and decided to head out to the beach with Inka.

“You know, little printer... most people find love in other people. But I am in love with you.” Drakow smiled, accepting his love for a machine, and off they walked into the sunrise.

There may or may not be a sequel.
Posted in2011, ‎PC Life, ‎Blogs by Year/Era
Views 4880 Comments 18
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Total Comments 18


  1. Old Comment
    -Jared-'s Avatar
    “Don't look at me, dear sir, I've got cows to milk.”

    That should have said twocows. >__> Otherwise, that was hilarious. XD
    Posted September 18th, 2011 at 7:32 PM by -Jared- -Jared- is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Aquacorde's Avatar
    omgomgomg changing rn because that is great
    Posted September 18th, 2011 at 7:34 PM by Aquacorde Aquacorde is offline
  3. Old Comment
    -Jared-'s Avatar
    Thank you, thank you. *bows*
    Posted September 18th, 2011 at 7:37 PM by -Jared- -Jared- is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Seto's Avatar
    What did I just readddd.. xD
    Posted September 18th, 2011 at 10:19 PM by Seto Seto is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Her's Avatar
    “You know, little printer... most people find love in other people. But I am in love with you.” Drakow smiled, accepting his love for a machine, and off they walked into the sunrise.
    Posted September 18th, 2011 at 10:27 PM by Her Her is offline
  6. Old Comment
    donavannj's Avatar
    Such an amazing story. A real tear-jerker.
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 1:50 AM by donavannj donavannj is offline
  7. Old Comment
    Vrai's Avatar
    omg this story idek what to say in response
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 1:59 AM by Vrai Vrai is offline
  8. Old Comment
    Zelda's Avatar
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 2:04 AM by Zelda Zelda is offline
  9. Old Comment
    Spinosaurus's Avatar
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 9:21 AM by Spinosaurus Spinosaurus is offline
  10. Old Comment
    Patatas Fritas's Avatar
    Well that was excellent. I'm appalled I didn't feature in it but either way, I'm crying here oh so very sad. Poor Inka running out of ink and the hear and oh my ;;
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 9:34 AM by Patatas Fritas Patatas Fritas is offline
  11. Old Comment
    Overlord Drakow's Avatar
    My image is ruined forever.
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 12:15 PM by Overlord Drakow Overlord Drakow is offline
  12. Old Comment
    champagnepapi's Avatar
    This is like the new harry potter.
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 12:19 PM by champagnepapi champagnepapi is offline
  13. Old Comment
    wolf's Avatar
    This was certainly an entertaining read!
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 12:50 PM by wolf wolf is online now
  14. Old Comment
    Aquacorde's Avatar
    Glad you all appreciate Kaori's amazing writing talents! :D
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 2:18 PM by Aquacorde Aquacorde is offline
  15. Old Comment
    Lalapizzame's Avatar
    i'm sure vrai once played jockey to a printer and rode it like sea biscuit.

    also kaori i'm impressed this is a far cry from your drunken typing 90% of the time.
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 3:19 PM by Lalapizzame Lalapizzame is offline
  16. Old Comment
    Overlord Drakow's Avatar
    "That was okay, though, because they had been struck by lightning and killed."

    I admit, that was randomly funny.

    “I'm tired of your stupid street lamp turning on at night!”

    This is so true. For my second and third year at university, my bedroom in the house I was living in had a street lamp right outside my window. FOR TWO YEARS WHILE I WAS AT UNI, EVERY NIGHT I HAD TO SLEEP WITH THAT LIGHT FLOODING MY ROOM. In the end, it has helped me develop my defence against the Light but damn I did suffer quite a few nights with little to no rest.
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 3:49 PM by Overlord Drakow Overlord Drakow is offline
  17. Old Comment
    Stellar's Avatar
    /makes various whirring and beeping noises in protest.
    Posted September 19th, 2011 at 5:33 PM by Stellar Stellar is offline
  18. Old Comment
    Vrai's Avatar
    the sounds of true love, clearly

    drakow is BLINDED BY THE LIGHT
    Posted September 25th, 2011 at 12:50 AM by Vrai Vrai is offline

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