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My mindset

Posted December 27th, 2009 at 6:57 PM by Aizuke
Updated December 27th, 2009 at 7:07 PM by Aizuke

For some reason, lately I've been thinking about taking a break from the internet. I don't know why, I have nothing to run away from, there's nothing dramatic going on in my real life, I'm not busy or anything, I'm not sick and tired of anything. I just.. For some reason, want to disappear for a couple of days, or weeks, maybe a month.. I can't remember when I started feeling like this, possible last week, when I had the crappiest week I've ever had. But then I started to feel happy again, when it was Christmas Eve and Christmas day was the best day I had ever had, and it was more than I had expected since I didn't have to do anything at all. But now, my mind is back to where it was in that not so great week. But to be honest, nothing bad had happened really. I, for some reason, just didn't feel so high on life as I have before. All I want to do is sleep, or be by myself, or play games, or just go biking for a while, because it helps me to stop thinking about stuff. Heck, I've even wanted to start working more, because it stops me from thinking about stuff. And.. Quite frankly I don't even know what I'm thinking about.. But whatever it is, it makes me have a :( face on.

Right now, I'm kinda in that mood again, and even more pissed off, because I was so over the moon happy a couple of days ago, now I feel meh. I could think of reasons why I feel this way, one of them being because it's been really hot here lately, which in return has made it harder for me to sleep at night, which is a big deal for me, for people who know me. I have the ability to fall asleep when I want to, heck the other night I fell asleep while I was on skype. But the heat.. Makes it harder for me to sleep at night. Though during the day I keep falling asleep, but I don't get to sleep a lot, because I have to babysit or I have to go to work. Maybe.. I feel like this way because of the lack of sleep I've been having lately. I guess the best solution is to go to bed earlier than usual, which I might take into account, but unfortunately going to sleep early means I'll have to sacrifice talking to people on MSN. This shouldn't be a big deal, but it's one of those habits I can't get rid of. But I really hate timezones, they ruin everything and make my talking time with people cut short. I know my health matters more, and if I get some more sleep, I might be back to my own happy self. I hate how I get upset over stupid things, or I start thinking paranoid about stuff, or I'm just overly negative about myself. And what's worse is, I don't want to explain how I feel to anyone, not even the one person who matters the most to me.. I guess this is because this isn't a really big deal, and it's just my own thoughts and I have to deal with them myself. Talking helps.. I still haven't gotten that into my mindset yet. I guess because I don't like throwing my issues onto others, because I know it drags people down, I don't want that. I just act and pretend I'm happy, so other people are, but I'm not really.. Well not lately anyways. Now I feel bad for keeping this. XD; Though this way is better I guess. Instead of just pinning down my problem on one person, now I've shared it with anyone who's read this blog. And it's nothing too personal either, so I'm fine with people I don't know reading about this. I know I have people to turn to for my issues, I mean in real life I tell Simmone a lot about my issues, for some reason online, I'm not so open with that kind of stuff. Like I said, I'd rather be happy, then ranting to people. But it's not worth it if I feel like crap all the time.. And now to blog about it, I kinda of understand why people use blogs to rant and stuff. It really helps a lot, just throwing your issues out there. But sometimes I feel like no one wants to hear my problems. And I have to be happy 24/7. But.. That's impossible for any human being, and sometimes we have to feel upset once in a while. Maybe that's what happened to me, I've been happy for so long, as a way of trying to hide things that have upsetted me and now it's backlashed in my face and causing me to be all sad/angry/depressed in one go. This is probably the reason why I haven't felt like talking to anyone lately, or just want to be in group convos. Wow, It's amazing how lack of sleep can change a person's mindset.

But yeah, writing this blog has made me discover what my actual problem is, because of all the thinking I just did. Though now I know I shouldn't keep things hidden in my head for too long, as they end up eating my emotions, I need to learn to express myself more it seems. Or just express myself online, or just.. in general.

Eh, come to think of it, I feel better now after writing all this.
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Comments

  1. Old Comment
    Ho-Oh's Avatar
    "I still haven't gotten that into my mindst yet. "

    ...typo.

    Also, what, you weren't happy? so the omg's x 50 or something were fake? XDD
    Posted December 27th, 2009 at 7:06 PM by Ho-Oh Ho-Oh is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Aizuke's Avatar
    I'll show you typo's in a minute! D:<

    No they were real, as a matter of fact, that was probably like the one time I was really happy for this week.

    And there are probably other times I have been like, real happy, which are when I talk to Victor, but like.. Yeah, the group convo's and such..
    Posted December 27th, 2009 at 7:08 PM by Aizuke Aizuke is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Hiidoran's Avatar
    Quote:
    All I want to do is sleep, or be by myself, or play games, or just go biking for a while, because it helps me to stop thinking about stuff.
    I've been feeling like this for the past couple weeks too, Malykar. I threw it to the back of my mind during final exams, but it came back with vengeance now that I'm on vacation.

    Hope you start feeling better. Maybe it's just that time of year; a time with so much joy, then just... nothing. It's not the happiest feeling. But, you should know that you can tell us what's up if you're not happy. You're not gonna bring us down if you're not happy all the time - coming from the guy that often just doesn't talk if he's not in the best of moods. XD;
    Posted December 27th, 2009 at 8:05 PM by Hiidoran Hiidoran is offline
  4. Old Comment
    Unforgettable's Avatar
    I love you Malyka. And you might have depression for reals. Cause umm, I do and I have to take pills for it. XD; That's what I was going through. And it got worse and worse. And now I feel better :3
    Posted December 27th, 2009 at 9:12 PM by Unforgettable Unforgettable is offline
  5. Old Comment
    Jack O'Neill's Avatar
    You really should start sleeping earlier. If you're still feeling like this even after reforming your sleep schedule, however, I'd suggest getting help.
    Posted December 27th, 2009 at 11:03 PM by Jack O'Neill Jack O'Neill is offline