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venting i guess

Posted August 24th, 2015 at 4:13 AM by Her

tl;dr trans woman in trouble

So, I've been going by the name of Adriana for about 18 months now, give or take a month either side. When I decided that I wanted to begin the steps of changing my gender identity, or rather, making my identity public, everything about me was still rather 'male'. Particularly how I referred to myself internally - despite being well adjusted to the idea of being female, whenever I thought about myself, the go-to route for my mind was to use male pronouns and think of myself as male. So, I had to start constantly correcting my inner thoughts each time this happened. He - no, she. Him - no, her. Not Christopher, Adriana. It wasn't annoying, but I didn't exactly like how on some subconscious level I was still having to grapple with being a girl. Only within the last month or so have my internal thought processes finally trained themselves to not think with any male connotations. If I replay a comment someone said about me, or imagine something a person said in reference to me, anything to do with my gender is just treated like I've always been a girl. I mean, I have, but you get what I'm trying to say.
What's bothering me though is that this is really the only change that's happened gender wise ever since last year. I'm still too afraid to publicly wear makeup or put on any accessories or clothing or do anything outside of my room. Or even my own mind. It's just too scary. Bear in mind that my fears aren't exactly unfounded - while I don't think I need to explain the societal hurdles trans people (and particularly trans women) face in general, it's particularly exaggerated in my case. 6'8, particularly hairy, rather masculine in shape, etc. Poor and live in a small village populated with the NZ version of republicans. Family members who know of my 'condition', as they call it, tiptoe between being vaguely supportive and outright cruel. There's only been one openly trans person here that I've heard of and they were quite literally frightened out of the town years back. So... you get why I'm more than hesitant about doing anything publicly. Now, I could just move, but as I said, I'm poor and my financial situation is too annoying to explain on here. Plus when I do move, I want to get into transitioning as soon as possible. So finding people who could handle this will take time. Maybe if I was capable of passing as An Average Young Woman then I'd feel a lot better and might not be so depressed and suicidal, but alas, that's not going to happen and I'll have to deal with it sometime.
I feel very whiny at the moment but like... don't I deserve to whine about this? For all intents and purposes I'm trapped and can barely handle it. I'm not a person who is easily threatened by people, or intimidated, or anything like that. But I am frightened and I am frightened by what will happen if I'm not able to start the process of transition soon.

I mean... I want to do this. I need to feel comfortable in my own body at least once in my life. I want to wear slutty ill-fitting dresses and get pissy over breast sensitivity and all that jazz. I want to start hormones and feel like one of the girls, albeit a good foot taller than most of them. I just want to be able to look in a mirror and not feel like dying or whatever. I mean, I'm on medication that manages the worst of my feelings, but I don't think I can just rely on medication and rattataing to therapists and the like. There's also a lot more issues going on that affect my mental health that I won't go into, but this is probably the single biggest contribution.

There's not really a point to this little (sike) blog entry aside from venting, but perhaps one upside is that people get more of an insight into why I'm so damn irritable all the time.
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  1. Old Comment
    Nah's Avatar
    holy muk you're a whole foot taller than me

    As much as I'd like to say "maybe you're just gonna have to wait" or "psyduck them and start transitioning anyway" or "gtfo of the town".....none of that's really plausible, is it?. I just wish I knew what to tell ya =(
    Posted August 24th, 2015 at 4:26 AM by Nah Nah is offline