Hello everyone. I've decided to start a blog, partly because it sounds amusing, and partly because I want to remind myself of everything I should be doing while writing. This blog will dispense whatever sage advice I happen to have to offer, along with the side tangents and other thoughts that come to mind while writing these things. I will have space at the end of each blog for a more condensed version of the advice, for the sake of clarity and really making sure I get all this stuff. I'm still working on making it look pretty, and I probably won't have it super fancy until sometime in January. Let's face it, I'm never going to get around to it.
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Monologues

Posted January 27th, 2016 at 7:11 AM by Bardothren
Updated January 28th, 2016 at 2:20 PM by Bardothren

Hello - wait, no, let's try something new this week. I always start by saying hello, so let's go with... Salutations!
Spoiler: Let's not spoil RWBY for anyone
Yes, in honor of Penny. RIP Penny.


And crap, the blog still starts with hello. Oh well, let's pretend the backspace button doesn't exist and keep going.

So, last week I said I would post to my blog again on either Tuesday or Thursday, and while it may be either of those days in your time zone, by me it's Wednesday. You may be wondering why I'm posting today, or maybe you don't care, but doing what I say I'm going to do is overrated.

As for how my life's been, it's been a lot of reading and writing over the past week. I'm also job hunting, and hopefully that'll go well.

Anywho, I've been debating which topic to cover this time. If you read the title, you already know which one I picked. Sadly, Editquette will have to wait for another time. Alright, cue the not-so-dramatic title!

ACT I
Scene 1

Monologues

Setting: PC
At rise: You stare at the blog's content on your computer.

YOU: But wait! Monologues are for plays! Why the heck are you talking about plays in a fiction advice blog? And why does this thing suddenly look like a play? And why am I in it?

BARDOTHREN: Because I want to, deal with it.

YOU: hesitantly But you're still giving advice for fiction, right? Plays kinda aren't my thing.

BARDOTHREN: They aren't mine either, which is exactly why I took a playwriting class this semester.

YOU: Huh?

BARDOTHREN: You see, I used to suck at dialogue and character development, and while I've gotten much better in that department, I still kinda suck at it. So, I picked a writing medium that is 90% dialogue.

YOU: But how does this relate to fiction?

BARDOTHREN: Excellent question! The principles behind a monologue also apply to good dialogue in general.

YOU: And these principles are...

BARDOTHREN: I'm glad you asked! The principles are as follows: Active, not reflective; Urgent, not casual; full of Behavior, not autobiographical; follows a Journey, not stating a fact; has an Audience, not rhetorical.

YOU: Okay... so, do you have any examples? You know, good and bad?

BARDOTHREN: Of course! Since I'm lazy, I'm going to poof a magic rabbit into existence to make the monologue for me.

YOU: How does that make any sense?

Bardothren waves his hands and makes Floating Rabbit Deity Thingy appear

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: What the psyduck am I doing here?

BARDOTHREN: slaps rabbit Watch your language, you psyducking rabbit! And give that monologue I made for you.

YOU: Uh... what?

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: Make me.

Bardothren poofs a magic carrot into existence.

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: Fine, but clear the room of children first, this is going to be an ear scorcher.

BARDOTHREN: Uh, I think we already hit the limit of your profanity.

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: Silence! Do you want my monologue or not?

BARDOTHREN: Monologues. You're giving two of them.

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: glares at Bardothren Fine, but you better make it worth my time. Fictional deities don't have all day, you know.

clears throat

Yeah, I know exactly what’s going through your head right now. You’re wondering why the hell the defense guardian you summoned is an oversized rabbit. You were expecting a lion or a dragon, I’m sure. Something with sharper teeth and longer claws, no doubt. I mean, everyone knows that rabbits are just as much fast food as a psyducking McDonald’s Big Mac, with a side of fur. But let me tell you a little secret. The lions and dragons can’t do jack muk. And you wanna know why? I killed them all. You see, everyone expects the lions and dragons to put up a fight and they prepare accordingly, but a fricking rabbit? They never see it coming! Just think about Monty Python’s Holy Grail movie. You know the scene, when a fluffy, cute rabbit freaking murders a knight in armor. Think about that for a moment. How do you suppose such a cute, harmless little ball of fur could bite through chainmail and eviscerate a fully grown man’s neck? Oh right, the teeth! Everyone forgets about the teeth. We don’t have these long-ass pearly whites for munching on carrots. They’re long so we can bite straight into your psyducking artery. So, do you want my help or not? Because the way I see it, you’re pretty psyducking screwed without me.

BARDOTHREN: Great! Now give one that sucks.

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: I've always wondered why I was made a giant floating rabbit god thingy. I suppose I have Bard to thank for that. So, could I ask him to make me into a pony? I always wanted to be a pony-

BARDOTHREN: Cut! Jesus, that was awful. I can't take any more!

FLOATING RABBIT DEITY THINGY: So, can I have my carrots now?

BARDOTHREN: Fine, here you go. He tosses the carrots to the rabbit. The rabbit then blinks out of existence.

YOU: What the f-

BARDOTHREN: Language!

YOU: Okay, so what's the point?

Act I
Scene Two

Summary

YOU: Wait, what? Did you just directly go into a new scene?

BARDOTHREN: What, is there a problem?

YOU: Ugh, no nevermind, give the summary.

BARDOTHREN: Okay then. For dialogue, monologues in particular, it's important to keep the speaking grounded in urgent, active voice and avoid rhetorical boring stuff. If you want an example, Hamlet's Soliloquy aside to audience to be or not to be, turns to youperhaps the most famous example of a monologue, is a terrible example, not because it sucks, but because things have changed since the seventeenth century. At first glance, it would appear that Hamlet is being super rhetorical and philosophical, but in reality, he isn't asking himself to be or not to be, he's asking the audience. You know that thing called the fourth wall? It didn't exist back in Shakespeare's day. Now it does, so don't try to copy Hamlet. It would never work unless you're the second coming of Shakespeare. As for questions, ask yourself 'who is this person talking to?', 'would they ever actually say this?' and 'Is anything happening in this dialogue or is it all just a load of backstory?'

YOU: I have another question.

BARDOTHREN: Oops, that's all the time I have today. Cya l8r!

With a puff of green smoke that smells like hamburgers, Bardothren vanishes.

YOU: Um, what?

You navigate out of the blog... perhaps leaving a comment before you go? Idk, I have to cover all my bases here. I mean, you could feel free to break the script, and then where would that leave me? Huh? Do you think it's funny breaking peoples' scripts? Well, I'll tell ya what. Break my script and I'll break your legs. And that's why they say break a leg in the showbiz. Wait, how did that make any sense? Whatevs, I'm gone.

My playwriting teacher is either going to admire me or want to slam a door onto my face repeatedly... especially since I'm going to make my final project about that rabbit deity thingy. Well, until next Tuesday... unless I find posting on that day too boring. But seriously, it will be next Tuesday, I swear. Oh yeah, I also got super lazy and just copy-pasted the monologue I wrote for today, so there's that too. Until next time everyone, watch out for rabbits!

EDIT:

Full disclosure time. And (supposedly) only fourteen people read the blog. While that makes me a tiny bit sad at this time, I know that more people will eventually witness the insane glory that is my mini play, and for now, I'm grateful only fourteen people aren't going to see this edit. So, my monologue isn't perfect, and I learned that much in class. There's way more to writing this stuff than I first realized... like for example, I should've started in the middle, with "lions and dragons can't do jack muk". I will once again emphasize that I am not an expert at all this. I am still in the process of learning the art of writing, but I will do my best to provide an educational and fun to read blog, while also learning the things I'm trying to teach along the way.

Again, it's in the title. This is writing advice assuming I know anything. And I'm reasonably sure the only thing I know is that I know nothing.

So, that's that. If I discover any other slip-ups at a later date, I'll be sure to let you all know so you can bash me in the comments section.
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