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ccording to hannah

(from the mind of a rather peculiar girl)

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you know what really grinds my gears?

Posted December 25th, 2013 at 10:00 PM by Hannah

It's Thursday. The sun is shining brightly in my eyes even as I close them, so I make no effort to try and sleep again. I turn to my side, staring at my sister who's fast asleep beside me. I hear a sound from the other room, and instantly, I know it's my father.

He's going to be late for work again if he won't stop playing Candy Crush.

I force myself to get up, and I feel my muscles ache. Not that I have muscles. I mean, I have muscles, naturally, but not the ones like John Cena's or Randy Orton's, and especially not Mark Henry's.

I head over to the fridge and it takes my father a few seconds to notice my presence. "Mornin'," he says, his eyes glued to the screen.

I get a pitcher full of orange juice from last night and pour some inside a tall glass my mother bought recently. "I hate you," I say to my father, who grunts. "But I love you, at the same time." I squeeze myself to my father's side and watch him as he manages to finish the level.

He kisses me on my cheek -- well, I wouldn't really call it a kiss. It's more of a sniff, only his stubble would tickle. "You should really get to work now," I say, feeling the coldness of the glass. I look at the time on the computer, and it reads 7:26.

"You're right," he says, probably looking at the time, too. "Lock the door, okay?" he reminds me. Not that I'd forget. It's my sister who always forgets, but I didn't say that. My father's memory can only contain so much. So can his bladder.

He sniffs me one last time before he leaves, and I lock the door. It's December 26th. My parents have to go to work, even though Christmas was only yesterday. I told them last night that it's unfair, but they said it was okay because they'll be home earlier than usual.

I head on over to the computer and shut it down. I get my phone from the side table and turn on the Wi-Fi. I'm going to continue reading the fan fiction I read last night about Hermione Granger and Draco Malfoy. It's a great fan fic, and I ship Dramione way too hard. I was halfway done yesterday when my mom told me to go to sleep.

As I begin to read, I slip away and go into my imagination world. I do this every time I read. This is why I love books more than movies. Because I can be the director. Because I'm in charge of what happens.

An hour passes and I finish. As if on cue, I watch as my sister walks over to the living area, her hair a mess. She turns the computer on without greeting me. I don't mind, though.

"I finished the fan fic I was talking about last night," I say, not managing to get anything but a hmm from her. "Draco and Hermione got married in the end, and I found out that it was written in 2004."

"Really?" she says, but I don't really think she cares.

I move to the other side of the sofa, where I can see the monitor. She's playing The Sims again. Sometimes I wish that I didn't download it so that she'd pay attention to me. This was one of them.

"Yeah," I say, my voice a bit louder. "I guess that's why the author didn't pair Harry to Ginny, because Deathly Hallows wasn't out at that time."

"Heh," she says. That was her version of a laugh.

"And the author's pen name is Marmalade Fever. She doesn't write fan fics anymore, though."

It takes her a few seconds to realize that I said something. "What did you say?"

I make a face, then repeat what I said about Marmalade Fever. This time, she says, "Oh. Too bad."

I give up, and move to the other side of the sofa again. I'm just going to read more, I think. So that I wouldn't have to deal with my sister. So that I wouldn't cry again. She hates it when I cry.

Thirty minutes later, she gets up from the sofa and starts to do the dishes. I ignore her. I slip back to my imagination world and see Malfoy talking to Hermione while she's memorizing her runes. By the way, you've got a snowflake in your hair. Quite a big one. You're sure you've never learned a repelling charm? I find them quite useful when it comes to cold wet blobs attacking. Then again, grooming never was your strong point, was it, Granger? Malfoy was saying, when my sister snaps me out of my reverie.

"Help me," she says. She stops in the middle of sweeping the floor to look at me.

I put my phone down, very reluctantly. "Why are you even cleaning?" I ask, "We don't have classes. We can clean later."

She resumes in sweeping the floor, a why-can't-you-just-cooperate-for-once look on her face. "Alexis is coming today and I want the house to be clean."

I feel my chest tighten. Alexis is my sister's boyfriend. She's been seeing him for almost six months now, but our parents don't know a thing. My sister said that I should keep it a secret, or else she'll hit me. Again.

I know, deep inside, that I should've told my parents. I can suffer the pain afterwards, but by telling them, I'll be doing the right thing. I won't have this necklace of guilt hanging around my neck anymore. If I tell them, I'd also be doing my sister a favor. She's going to have a bright future ahead of her. No boyfriends to bring her down.

But then she'll cry. And she'll be hurt. She won't trust me anymore. Things won't be the same between us.

I can't let that happen. I won't let it happen.

And so I help her clean the house. She keeps shouting at me because I don't do things right. Like how I won't touch the knife because mother told me not to. Like how I won't take out the garbage because my clothes are all dirty. Little things like that.

Sometimes I hate my sister, and sometimes I love her, too. I like her when she's not shouting and when she's not hitting me. I like her when there are guests at our house because she acts all civilized and pretends she loves me.

I especially hate her when this Alexis boy comes.

They'd lock themselves in the bedroom, completely ignoring my existence, but our house is small enough that I can still hear their muffled voices even if I'm at a distance. I talked to my sister about being careful around him, especially because of the fact that they're always in the bedroom. She told me to mind my own business, but assured me that nothing inappropriate is going to happen between them.

He's pretty nice, though. Not as handsome as Justin Bieber, but good enough. I hear he's rich, too. When I first met him, I tried my best not to laugh at his girly name. But besides his wealth and his looks, I could see why my sister liked him. He was funny. My sister likes funny guys. And I like funny guys, too.

The other day, my sister had kiss marks on her neck. She said our parents wouldn't notice unless I point it out, so I didn't. Luckily she has long hair to cover it with. When we were all alone, I asked her if she and Alexis have kissed already. She said yes.

That put another ton on my guilt-necklace.

See, my parents are very strict with relationships. No, we can't have a boyfriend till we've graduated. No, we can't go to prom without them knowing who our date is. No, we can't go on dates without their permission. No this, no that. We especially can't go off making out with a boy, locked in a room all alone. But I know they're only being strict because they love us and they want us to have a good future.

So I promised that I'll go stag on my first prom night, but I'll find a date for the second one. My parents were okay with that.

But as for my sister, she really wanted to have a date on her first soiree. She told my parents that she's going with Alexis, and they got mad. But she said that Alexis was a nice guy, and that they were only friends.

It took a lot of convincing, of course. On the night of the soiree, my mom came along and my sister introduced Alexis to her. I guess my mom thinks Alexis is okay because they weren't fighting when I got home, and my sister was in a pretty good mood.

So my parents know about Alexis. But they don't know that they've been kissing. That he goes to our house when they're at work. That I know all the things they don't.

As I finish cleaning, I return to the sofa and enter my imagination world again. But this time, I'm not imagining about Draco and Hermione.

I'm imagining what would happen if my sister didn't have a boyfriend. If I didn't download The Sims. If my mom allowed me to touch the knife. If I had taken a bath before we cleaned. If I had told my parents about Alexis.

I'm imagining the happy times with my sister.

End Notes

So sorry about the really long rant! I just wanted to express my feelings somehow, and if I do this on Tumblr, someone I know is going to see it. Luckily, I don't know anyone here in real life, and even if I did, would you dare tell my parents?

Anyway, I did this in a story form to enhance my writing skills. I'm prepping up for a fan fiction that I'm writing soon! Oh, and if you're wondering about the Draco Malfoy and Hermione Granger fan fics, here's Marmalade Fever's profile on FanFiction.Net. The story I was obsessing over is called Courting Miss Granger, and the other story with the snowflake in Hermione's hair is called Flattened U's and Thumb Dots. I also suggest reading The Witness and the Wife, which was the fic that made me fall in love with Marmalade Fever in the first place.

Also, I'd just like to thank anyone who actually read the entire post. It makes me feel better knowing that someone out there actually understands me. And if you didn't read the post but want to find out what really grinds Hannah's gears, it's my sister ignoring me.

P.S. I hope you guys had a great Christmas!
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  1. Old Comment
    Salzorrah's Avatar
    omg that was beautiful and yet heartbreaking... ;~;

    your writing skills are really superb hannah! it is like reading from a novel :D

    but i do hope you are okay tho <3
    Posted December 25th, 2013 at 10:06 PM by Salzorrah Salzorrah is offline
  2. Old Comment
    Damn hannah youre quite the writer!
    Hope that youre feeling aight though i cant really relate to a lot of your problems but its good that youre so close with your family :)
    Posted December 25th, 2013 at 10:13 PM by Ozymandias Ozymandias is offline
  3. Old Comment
    Hannah's Avatar
    Originally Posted by Queen of Shipping View Comment
    omg that was beautiful and yet heartbreaking... ;~;

    your writing skills are really superb hannah! it is like reading from a novel :D

    but i do hope you are okay tho <3
    Originally Posted by Apollo View Comment
    Damn hannah youre quite the writer!
    Hope that youre feeling aight though i cant really relate to a lot of your problems but its good that youre so close with your family
    Thank you, both of you~ Feedback is much appreciated!
    I was thinking about posting this some other day because I really didn't want to bring someone's spirits down, considering it's Christmas season, but it just felt like the perfect time haha. Oh, and yeah, I'm alright. Just a little... neglected. But fine, nonetheless :3
    Posted December 25th, 2013 at 10:21 PM by Hannah Hannah is offline
  4. Old Comment
    █▄ █▄█ ▄█▀ ▀█▀'s Avatar
    Oh, the weight of guilt. It is one heavy weight, yeah. I'm of the opinion that you should, in fact, tell your parents about it. You're sisters. There's nothing like being mad forever with your sibling and not ever trusting them anymore. That's bull. Me and my sis are super effing close. If I see her doing something, I immediately tell my parents. Not because I wish to see her sad or depressed, no, but to make sure she doesn't take any wrong steps in life. Sure, there's the usual crying and 'I hate you so much, brother! You do this to make me sad, right? You happy now, right?! I should just die, that'd make you happier, I bet!' (yes, she says that)

    But, after a while, we're always back to our normal selves. We love each other waaaaaaaaaaay too much to stay mad at each other for more than a day. Or two. At max.

    Plus, if you do tell them about it, you'll rid yourself of the guilt. Because, honestly speaking, I could understand keeping things from parents if your parents were asses. But, from what you described them as, they don't seem to be. Your dad seems like a great person. Someone who cares a lot about you. Just think of how hurt THEY will be IF they came to know you kept it from them even though you knew. Also, guys shouldn't be trusted that easily. I've seen waaaay too many couples in real life where the guys end up taking advantage of the girl - nothing more. Plus, if that jerk had balls, he'd confess that he likes your sister in front of your parents. Not get into your house when your parents are not home. If they aren't doing anything inappropriate, why go into the bedroom and lock it?

    Seriously, I live in India. I can relate a LOT. My dad threatened to blow my brains out with his service revolver if he came to know about me getting it on with some girl. Things are really strict when it comes to relationships in our family as well. Even stricter than how things are there. If the guy and girl truly do like each other, they can meet at school and other places or whatever. I used to do that with my crush. And I was happy. And I've kept most things transparent with my parents. About me and my sis - both of us.

    Bottom line - it is up to you to choose. But what's going on here isn't beneficial to any party involved. IF your cover gets blown accidentally, there will be massive repercussions. A lot of people will be hurt. So yeah, choose wisely. Best of luck.
    Posted December 26th, 2013 at 8:50 AM by █▄ █▄█ ▄█▀ ▀█▀ █▄ █▄█ ▄█▀ ▀█▀ is offline
  5. Old Comment
    █▄ █▄█ ▄█▀ ▀█▀'s Avatar
    Although, tbh, in my case, me and my crush weren't a couple. I just liked her and liked talking to her. That alone made me happy. Perhaps, if we'd have been a couple, we'd have develop urges to do what your sister and her bf were doing too? I don't know. I'd be too guilt ridden to make a move. I love my parents a lot. I don't think I'd be able to do all that stuff behind their back without eventually telling them about it myself. No matter how scared I'd be. And I can't really handle being stressed due to guilt all that well anyway haha.

    Ehh, seems I started ranting. Sorry about that! I hope none of what I wrote was offensive or anything. I didn't intend for it to be, really. I understand this is your personal matter and you probably don't appreciate a total stranger voicing his opinion on it so openly, so I'll apologise for it in advance. I just...felt like writing that after I read it all. I just did, idk.
    Posted December 26th, 2013 at 9:02 AM by █▄ █▄█ ▄█▀ ▀█▀ █▄ █▄█ ▄█▀ ▀█▀ is offline

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