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Masks

Posted June 22nd, 2014 at 11:20 PM by srinator

It was 4 am, and I was in my bed thinking what is it that I am doing with my life? I was being emotional, for the first time in years. I was thinking what is it and why is it that I was so sad and why is that even after achieving things in life, why is it that I am still not content?

This made me think about a certain article I read 10 years ago, it was about people wearing masks, no not the material masks but the ones where you shroud yourself in a cloak of changed identity.
Throughout my life I have shifted places about 5 time, which basically is four schools and then college. My childhood wasn't easy and I grew up taking ♥♥♥♥ from others, most of the time just because I was afraid to counter argue or fight back in a sense. In my first school I was a bit shy and looked down upon and never made any good real friends, the ones that I did have ♥♥♥♥♥ed about me behind my back. To be honest I was even called to the principles office for I was had been caught hacking into a classmates orkut account (it was popular then), in my defense I was naive and was thinking I would get some friends. But people just looked down on more and at the I couldn't understand why. I still tried my best and tried to get myself more involved with them but alas an Impression was already made, and I was like the laughing stock/buffoon of the whole class. I was small and couldn't comprehend how is it that I was supposed to feel and continued embarrassing myself by acting desperate and ♥♥♥♥. My grades were good enough so I never had to take any ♥♥♥♥ at home but my parents could never understand how it is that I felt, that is a continued feeling till this day.

After that my parents got a quick transfer to another state, new school, new people. I was excited but I didn't want things to be like how they were before. Right through the first day of new school I acted like a completely different person, I was confused where it came from but was trying to be more confident, this helped me tbh. I quickly became the thing in school, got selected in the council and all. I was happy but it was a lie, I made a lie my truth and I was confused as to how is it that I am supposed to act and react further on. After a while I just started doing pity things for attention, I got attention all right. My image slowly started to degrade and yet again I was the laughing stock in class. I made some good friends well one to be honest, who now doesn't talk to me because I am just too complicated and weird. She was the first person I ever opened up too, and it always felt nice. My life is like a ♥♥♥♥ing drama series. About me: I am the kind of person who gets attached to anyone as quickly as possible sometimes even after one line of chat, some people would call me clingy. This is something I observed about myself later on in life, I get so attached to someone that when the person started to even look away from me I feel a bit depressed. Also sometimes when the other person starts to show interest in me and if the person has some flaws or is looked down for some reason I instantly feel the urge to move away, I know I am a bad person. To be honest my character is self contradictory, I get obsessed to something very quick but I also start hating it later on.

This continued for the next schools, every time I changed schools I became a new person completely different from what I was and how I behaved. I had to eat ♥♥♥♥ in every one of those schools eventually. And now that I think about it, it's because I don't know who I am anymore. I have lost the real me somewhere along he line and the phrase "be yourself" or "be original", does not make any sense to me anymore. All the masks I have wore in my life made me lose my actual self and the way the real me would respond to stuff.

I can even give an example some people would understand here who frequent the battle server over the course of almost a year. I used to be a quiet naive and innocent person when I first joined, and as expected I didn't understand anything that was going on. Being from a country where the attitude and culture is completely different, I was confused as to why people where behaving the way they were. Some people would have even considered me nice back then and I used to feel loved, somewhere along the line I again changed, "became more cocky" some would say. When I was there I saw people laughed and thought highly of someone who made jokes and people and everybody laughed around. My real life was no good at the time and I needed somewhere where I could be something. The day I left I actually felt that I was loved for the first time in my life and I couldn't wait to get back.
Back in college my life was starting to get better since most people only cared about your scholastic background and if you were good in studies, you are accepted. I am good in this are to be honest and I found it nice for a change. But then I started to get into relationships and to this day every relationship I get into goes bad one way or the another, needless to say I am tired of it.
Anyway when my holidays started and I came back, I saw that the server had changed, completely.
I couldn't understand how to react or act, I see people make jokes every time but for some reason when I do it, ugh. Maybe I do it wrong maybe I over do it, I really don't know. I don't know anything now to be honest and the last few days have been extremely tiring, not physically but mentally. Most people there now kind of hate me and i just don't know what to do anymore. My parents blame it on tech addiction because I show all the symptoms, ignoring social life, bad life style, insomnia etc etc.

I don't know why I am writing all this, maybe because I can't keep it inside me anymore and I want to let it all out. I don't have anybody I can really talk to and there are people who say I can talk to them, but I know when the person is telling it just to seem nice.
I don't want your pity or anything I just wanted this out of my system and I kinda feel a little better now. I don't know how is it that my life is going to go and have no idea what is going to happen with me but I hope it all becomes better.

Adios
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  1. Old Comment
    Silvia's Avatar
    Spoiler:

    ^ what the title made me think. but..that's really deep, sri. had no idea you were like this underneath the bith spam.

    also the server's just...kill.
    Posted June 22nd, 2014 at 11:51 PM by Silvia Silvia is offline
 

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