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Let's Play Pokemon Snakewood! Chapter 26 & 27

Posted December 15th, 2018 at 9:28 AM by Rainbow Chara X
Updated December 15th, 2018 at 9:28 AM by Rainbow Chara X
Tags lp#1

It was a beautiful day when I put this chapter up. Too bad I didn't use it properly.

We're almost at the end of this crazy ride. So let's kick this off with both...

Chapter 26 - Forget, Let Them Forget


If I don't do this now, I'll probably never finish it.

[Jack uses the Arclight Spanner to break open the door]

Sweet. What horrors await us inside?

I should probably mention that there is no real reward for doing this aside from experience and context on what happened around here, but aside from that...

The room names don't mean anything anymore, seeing as the strategy of the enemy inside has nothing to do with it.

It was a neat gimmick in the original game, though.

"The Battle Zombie slices a hole in the fabric of time and space with her sword! Looks like she's serious!"

These zombies get more and more outrageous as time passes.

.... Wait.

This feels very familiar.

Ah, good times...

At the time, I was genuinely shocked to encounter a level 58 enemy while our strongest at the time was a level 15 Ace. Now we're level 60 and have a fancy new type on our side.

[Jeanne used Flamethrower!]

To Jeanne, it's just a notch on her "zombies I've burned to ash" list.

I guess it doesn't really matter what door you pick as long as you make it to the Gym Leader. Cutlerine didn't mess around with the Petalburg Gym and make it a second Madio Caves, so be glad for that.

"The Battle Zombie tries to do a Zorro-style carving on your chest, but can't work out whether to write B or Z. You figure you should fight her before she decides."

Oh, what a ~wacky~ zombie apocalypse. It's as if I've completely forgotten that 60% of the region has been slaughtered/devoured in cold blood by the living dead.

Yo, quick question? What exactly are we punching on Headdoom's body that makes them stop moving?

Bah. Man, we should be really glad this isn't like the Return of the Living Dead of Pokemon, otherwise we'd be muk out of luck.

"You look down to see a large Z for zombie cut into your shirt, and decide to leave."

: "Oh, god damn it! This was my favorite shirt, too!"

[Jack runs away screaming expletives]

"The Battle Zombie flinches away from your presence... Hah! She's scared! Kill her!"

Jesus, game!

Oh hey, the final zombie form of the Venusaur family.

Making a Plants Vs. Zombies joke is far beneath me, so have Jeanne burning it to re-death.

This is the appropriate reaction for anybody that picks a fight with The Crew.

Right... The Gym Leader. I doubt this is going to be easy, so I brought a certain someone.

Juno gets to work for the only first time in the entire game! See, the / type makes her an excellent candidate to take on Norman's Pokemon due to them not being able to touch her... while she can absolutely wreck house. Just watch.

Norman looks... fine. From this distance, anyway. Let's go talk to him.

: "Who - who are you?"

: "You don't remember?"

I hate transcribing Norman's extended dialogue due to it sounding more dopey than terrifying. So instead, I'm writing it normally for the sake of this.

: "No, I - ah!"

[Flash of light]

[Flash of light - theme I would use for this scene: Bottom of the Night]

: "Haha! That's funny, kid. Look, Landon! Jack's playing with your Blaziken."

: "Heh. Ah, Jack's going to become a real powerful Trainer one day, I can sense it."

: "Well, there's two of us in the family! We could always do with more..."

[Flash of light]

In hindsight, this is even more emotional than the Veracity and Winona thing.

: "Hello, Jack. I'm so glad you could make it..."

: "Get away from me!"

: "Come closer... It'll be just like old times... I can make you like me and we can all live together, just like how it used to be..."

: "Dad..."

: "That's right... Come closer..."

[Flash of light]

: "What... what was that? Ah! Get off of me!"

... Did we just get saved by Landon's voice?

: "Buuut iiiit's meeee, Jack. Your faaaaaatheer."

: "No! You're not! I have to - Dad, forgive me!"

[Theme I would use for the boss fight with Monstrous Norman: Cannibal Boss]

That was honestly one of the most twisted things in the game and I love it.

The sprite's pretty disturbing with the unhinged jaw and the green skin.

Oh jesus, Slaking got messed up. How does he function with only a jaw for a head?

I should mention that these guys don't have Truant and have all of the strength of normal Slaking so... watch yourself?

Valor breaks all of Rotting's bones with only two punches... at the cost of half of his health. If I had gotten a status effect on Rotting, I'm pretty sure the boost from Facade would murder Valor in one hit.

Norman just has a ton of zombie Slaking for some reason. Since using Valor constantly would be a bad idea, let's break out Juno instead. The enemy isn't completely helpless; They still have Faint Attack to hurt her with, but it does a pittance compared to stuff like Facade and Body Slam.

Skullbreaker is a type move that has the chance to paralyze due to it being a lethal drop kick. Now I've just got this wonderful image of a Kamen Rider-esque Banette superhero which is absolutely amazing.

^ The screenshot above is after like two or three Full Restores

Like god damn, can you extend the fight any more than you already have? The burn wasn't from Jeanne, actually - Juno knows Will-O-Wisp too. In hindsight, having a type like Juno would have saved me a ton of headaches in the past.

Bellamine takes out the trash.

At the very least there's some variety instead of it just being Rotting over and over. See, what tipped me off that you were supposed to do this earlier than Esau's gym were the lower levels. I'm covering this now so I don't ever have to show it again in the future.

Believe it or not, this is completely optional.

Jeanne prepares for a Confuse Ray... A single hit from this Gorelax would knock her down to yellow or red. He goes for the Body Slam -

Oh, burned by the ghost!

How does this thing sleep and recover health.

: ("Alright then, if that's the way we're going to be playing...")

[Juno stabs herself with the needle]

: ("Ugh! Let's... see how you like this!")

Yes. I was so done with the enemy spamming stuff like Rest and Full Restores that I went for straight out "break their defense" maneuvers. Don't mess with Juno or you'll pay for it.


[Juno used Skullbreaker!]

I love Juno. She may have never gotten to be on the team before, but she's still damn amazing.

The rest of the fight went like this, pretty much:

: ("That was some good exercise. Thanks for bringing me along, Jack!")

Like hot damn. I don't know what would have happened if I didn't bring Juno along for this.

But yeah, we just beat up our zombified dad and all of his Pokemon. I... don't know how to feel about this.

: "Yoou... have kiilled your faather..."

[Norman crumbled and finally died]

: "That... I don't know... Farewell, father."

: ("... Are you alright, Jack?")

: "Yeah, I'm... fine. Let's just get out of here."

: ("... Poor Jack. This is just like what happened with Veracity and his sister.")

: ("I know...")

: ("Right... I emphasize with his feelings far more than I should, honestly. The best thing would be to never talk about it and just keep supporting him like normal...")

: ("I feel deep frying Senex would be the best way to cheer Jack up. What do you say?")

: ("That'd be a great idea, Jeanne.")

: ("Or maybe we stuff him into a Pokeball, haha.")

Yeah, you don't get anything for defeating Norman aside from one of the darkest moments in the game. I'm not exactly complaining, mind you.

So let's just make our way towards the Abandoned Ship and get that guy's item.

What the hell is this guy screaming about? There's nothing in here that's scary at all.

Whatever the reason, he takes it out on us. Despite his name and the fact he uses Doctor Malfeasance's sprite, he's not important in the slightest.

(oh god is this what Doctor Blackthorn looks like)

He has a Magnezone. Did I mention that you can evolve Magneton into Magnezone with a Thunderstone in this game? Not sure why that's not the actual method, given how it's far more reasonable, but I'm not a developer for Game Freak.

I'll just leave Literally Mad Scientist here to wallow in his own fear.


If I'm not mistaken, Angel Laboratories is actually one of the developer groups that helped create Snakewood? If so, subtle.

Since this is a sunken ship, of course there's going to be pirates to plunder.

Note: Water Spout at full health would have murdered Ambes, so understandably I was freaking out.

However, since Ambes blasted 90% of his health off with only one Thunderbolt, it barely does 30 damage. Atta boy.

Valor smashes a Persian into a fine white mist and we get on with our lives.

If I hadn't said it before, Teleporters are essentially Escape Ropes in Snakewood. At least it makes more sense than some random rope.

Oh boy. If Jack wasn't the hero of Snakewood then this guy would have gotten his own amnesiac adventures.

Aka. almost entirely useless considering I don't catch Pokemon underwater.

"Told me to come get some artifact from this ship."

: "Hey, I got that call too! That's why I'm here!"

Guy: "I see... Okay, if you find it, let me know, alright? I don't want to hang around here forever."

Like we're going to give it to this guy.

I love how if you mention the word "pony" today, everybody's going to think of Friendship is Magic. Blargh.

The Sparkly Pony is one of those items that turn into a Pokemon if you leave it at the Endless Plains room in Fort Draco. Back in Fortree, Count D sold off other animals, but I assure you that the "Sparkly Pony" turns into a Blitzle.

... This isn't where I came from. Yes, the ship has randomized entrances. I went one room and came out an entirely different one.

What is the matter with Cutlerine's map hacking? Does he do this on purpose?

At the very least, we get a Revive to add onto the pile of thirty I already have.

See what I mean? This is directly after I went through the door.

Okay, let's just go to the place where we're supposed to.

I should mention that I love the diving music too.

Anybody who's played the original Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald will probably hate this puzzle. It's even worse here.

See the glimmer on the top right? That's actually not where an item is. You have to check around for invisible items on the ground, which means a lot of stopping and pressing A.

A Water Stone would be useful if I had anybody that evolves from it.

For some reason, the keys just couldn't be normal room keys. They have to be ~arcane~ and muk.

Honestly, I didn't like the puzzle back in the original games. It was a lot of effort just to get Ice Beam in a generation where TMs aren't reusable.

Speaking of TMs, here's another Rain Dance... That's nice, I guess?

Oh, it's secret alright. It was so secret I nearly gave up the room.

Isn't the point of a game to have fun? Is anybody having fun?


difficult to understand; obscure.

What a time to pick fancy words to teach to the audience, Cutlerine.

Jack loots so much that I'm surprised he's not a pirate. And that the Crew... literally isn't his crew.

... oh my god I require a picture of this

[Jack finds an old captain's hat on the ground and puts it on his head]

: "Alright, you swabs. I be Captain Jack now, and I'll have none of the lip."

: ("Oh no, he turned into a pirate.")

: "Blast these scurvy keys! I'll keelhaul the oaf what left these rooms locked!"

(if that item name didn't tip you off on what we're getting from this sidequest, then shame on you)

: "By thunder, what be this? Seems to be a sort of stone. Is this what that lubber back at the sewers asked the Great Captain Jack to receive?"

: ("Jack, please stop.")

: "... Okay. But don't think this is the end of Captain Jack."

[Jack puts the hat away]

Guy: "Alright! Now fork it over, kid!"

: "What? You're one of those treacherous types? Well, I know how deal with you: A Pokemon battle!"

Guy: "I have no Pokemon!'

Ooh, awkward.

: "Then I'll beat you up!"

Narration: "Jack beat up the blonde guy! Yeah, you feel manly now, right? You also accidentally hit yourself on the head, so you don't even remember beating him up."

How does Cutlerine do it? Oh right, laziness.

"It's a diary! Read it?"

Oh hey, another one of those apocalypse log things. Let's see what it says.

June 17th, 1992: "Something's up with the cargo. We keep hearing strange noises from the hold in the night... (damaged by seawater)"

??? 21st, 1992: "... Thought I saw someone in my room, but it was just shadows. So many tricks of the eye lately - I think it might be to do with the experiment..."

???, 1992: "Today I die. It's too strong. I know that now. No one can tame it, and it will kill us all. But I won't die at its hands. There's one shot in the barrel, and I'm sick of this fear... Goodbye, cruel world."

You know, it's stuff like this that really makes me doubt that Cutlerine made Snakewood to be "nonsensical." Like there's several hints where we're supposed to take the story seriously but it falls apart when he throws in the crazy nonsense and the crossovers. It's the same with the sprite quality.


Hang in there, Ballin. After this, we never have to go into the sewers again.

Here's what the Mystery Caller man looks like, by the way.

Secret Item Guy: "Wah! Something's coming out of it! Quick, fight it off for me!"

The reward for the sewer sidequest is ultimately a Spiritomb. Nice.

It'd be an even better reward if I knew how to use Spiritomb properly and if we didn't already have a ton of Pokemon to use.

I don't remember how cooperative Spiritomb was. So for all I know, this may have been ball #1 or ball #30. I didn't give her a name because she's technically not part of the crew.

"Thanks for defeating it, kid."

Everybody gets one.

Anyway, since we're nearing the end of the episode, let's kick back at the hotel in Lilycove.

Oh hey, there's actually a ton of people here now. They're the stand-ins for the game developers.

"I had the least amount of work to do because someone else made this region first."

... He has a point.

"I drew things like Radiorange and Luca Zamon! At least, I would have if there had been any real design process..."

Ah, not even them bouncing sick burns on themselves is enough to make this hack less crappy.

"I'm here to shamelessly promote an outdated games console on behalf of my employers!"

Sure, but that's what Nintendo E-Shop is for.

"I'm the Programmer! I program things but I do it really badly and then someone has to point out my mistakes."

I have a thousand things to say, but the biggest one is "What the hell is with the difficulty increase starting at the Elite Four?"

Despite this, I have to admit that the eventing in Snakewood is actually top notch stuff.

"I'm a lecherous fat man who has no connection with this company at all!"

I bet you feel really proud of yourself, then.

"Oh, is that right? You're working on a Pokedex? It's tough trying to complete it, but don't give up. If you do complete it, please come show me."

Yeah, no. Snakewood is not a good enough game to complete 100%. I'm only covering the game as far as I am because nobody else is doing it as extensively or lose steam before they make it to Gym Island.

Oh, you mean the same cookie-cutter sprite you use for every other zombie character? Just sayin'...

"How do I know your name? That's easy - I'm the Cutlerine! This is Game Break, the people who are ostensibly behind this Rom Hack. As their name suggests, they're also a bad parody. Why not chat to them for a while?"

... Yeah, I'm just... That's enough game for one day. We're probably going to regret not blasting Cutlerine into the stratosphere in the future.

Next time on Pokemon Snakewood, we go digging. See you then.

Sidequest List:
  • Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
  • Get Strength to move the boulders
Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 61, ) - "It's that presence again! The same one we encountered at the Madio Caves and Mt. Pyre! Be careful, Jack!"
(Ambes, , Level 60, ) - "Sorta liked pirate Jack, to be honest."
(Jeanne, , Level 60, ) - "I think the last thing we need is our team leader becoming eccentric like every other person in this region, Ambes."
(Valor, , Level 62, has Plus Band, /) - "I don't like the looks of this Cutlerine guy, to be frank..."
(Ace, , Level 58, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Me neither. So... what's this I hear about a 'Captain Jack'?"
(Ballin, , level 62, /) - * is washing the taste of sewage out of his mouth *

Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 61, has Leftovers, /) - "Juno whupped those guys into next week."
(Zagon, , Level 63, /) - "I can't believe Jack had to re-kill his own father... That's awful."
(Alice, , level 62, ) - "He meant a lot to Jack in the past, didn't he? Nya..."
(Juno, , Level 60, /) - "Fighting all of those Rotting and Gorelax really took it out of me..."
(Umbra, , Level 62, ) - "You did a good job, though."
(Tohru, , Level 60, /) - "Norman sounds like a fine man... I assume so, given how Jack is his son."
(Pumbloom, , level 56, ) - "ARE YOU OKAY, BALLIN?"
(Wagner, , Level 57, /) - * Is asleep with Chloris resting on him *
(Chloris, , level 61, /) - * Is sound asleep sleeping on top of Wagner *
(Beatrice, , Level 50, /) - "So... Miss Juno. You need some aroma in your life. Please, relax for a bit!~" [creates a soothing smell out of her rose-hands]
(Shine, , level 33, ) - "Poor Jack... I'm sure the pirate thing was a way to cope with what happened."
(Spark, , level 32, ) - "... I wouldn't say that, sis."
(Alpha, level 55, /) - "AH, SO EVEN THE HERO HAS A WEAKNESS..."
(Menti, , level 57, /) - "Guys? Can I come into the other box, please? I'm not contagious - I promise! Please...?"


Chapter 27 - The Mine of Madness


Yeesh, Chapter 26 was ~Sidequest Time~ the chapter, I swear.

Now that we're back in Solar Caverns, let's try to do what we're meant to do.

I should mention. You see that lone cracked tile to the left? Don't fall down it otherwise you'll be trapped if you didn't bring a Teleporter (escape rope).

TM22 is Solar Beam, which I assume is appropriate considering where we are.

There's nothing else of real value around here, so let's just skip straight to meeting with Esau.

: "That's what you think!"

So he's inside of the rock. I... am not going to question this because he can be inside mirrors.

: "That's right. I'm inside Sundance Rock."

: "Out of curiosity, is there a Cassidy Rock?"

I would cite what the reference is, but the game itself explains what it is later on in the chapter.

: "Why yes there is, down in the abandoned mines. How'd you know?"

: "Call it a hunch, okay. So what have you got to teach me?"

: "It will take many, many years to teach you the art of sagely combat --"

I feel the same way.

: "Christ, kids today have no patience. Too many damn video games."

: "Are you breaking the fourth wall?"

It would have actually been a pretty subtle fourth wall breaking joke if you didn't bring it up, Jack.

: "Me? Never! Anyway, it will take many years to--"

: "Teach me in five minutes."

If Senex wasn't currently rampaging through Hoenn with his army of the undead, this would have made Jack look like a straight out dick.

: "No! It's traditional!"

[Sighs]: "I didn't want to have to do this, but... Nya nya nya nya nya! You married a Hittite!"

Okay, what the psyduck Jack.

By the way, if you're wondering what a Hittite is: "The Hittites were an Ancient Anatolian people who established an empire centered on Hattusa in north-central Anatolia around 1600 BC."

In this particular 5-year old level mocking that Jack is doing, it's a biblical reference.

: "No! Damn you, she's a nice woman!"

: "She's a Hittite!"

^ The moment where references become a plot point in Snakewood. I wish I were making this up.

: "Only if you teach me quickly!"

: "Fine, fine! Just leave my wife out of this!"

Yeah, really. Jack. That's not cool.

[Bellamine slaps Jack on the back of the head]

: "Ow..."

: [Stares at Jack in an aloof manner]

: "... Alright! How do we do this?"

: "Regrettably, there's only one way to make a long job like this take just a few minutes..."

: "A montage?"

Oh my god.

[The title theme of the game starts playing, with the screen fading to black each time Jack turns to a different direction]

: "What's up? Don't you want to learn?"

: "But... Isn't this just me looking left to right, set to music? What kind of a montage is that?"

Jack, you mocked his wife and coerced him to give you a short montage instead of years of training. Don't you think you're being a bit on an asshole right now? Especially since he's trying to help you?

: "Well, a montage of someone meditating isn't going to be particularly interesting, is it?"

: "Ah, screw you, Esau and your Hittite wife! I'm leaving for Sootopolis!"

: ("What the hell is Jack doing?")

: ("Being an idiot.")

: "Wait! You don't even know how to get there!"

: "I don't care! I'm sick of your stupid esoteric crap! Don't you realize what you are? You're an extended joke based on a chapter from Genesis!"

: "No! You mustn't say that! If you reveal what I am a reference to, I will die forever!"

By this logic, I should have erased Haruko and the Deadly Seven from the face of the earth.

"The Deadly Seven are stupid, the zombies are stupid, and YOU're stupid! Esau! You're nothing more but a commentary on the ridiculous nature of Esau's meeting with Jacob at the time of the Red Stew!"

You know what? Jack is right. This entire game has been nothing but a cavalcade of every random idea that Cutlerine put into his head hoping it would provide an entertaining experience when in reality none of it meshes and turns into a giant migraine for me.

: "NOOOOOOO! I'm... dying...."

[Flash of light]

: [Stare on in abject terror]

: [Gives a wide-eyed stare at the rock Esau was in]

: (".... Well, muk.")

"... Esau? Oh, this is bad. I think I just killed him... Damn it! I have to get out of here! No one can know about this!"

Way to go, hero.

The Excalibur is your reward for erasing Esau from existence, by the way, since you get it from the rock he was in.

: "Oh man, what am I going to do?"

: ("Don't worry, Jack. We won't tell anybody.")

: ("Yeah, there wasn't much he could have done to help us anyway.")

: "Damn it, how am I going to fight Gleis now?"

: ("I'll fend him off for you. He's no match for me no matter how strong he gets, so don't worry.")

: "... Right. Just... be careful."

: ("What if they ask about what happened to Es--")

: "Damn it, Jeanne!"

: ("That was eerily well-timed.")

: "Prof., now's not a great time. I think I just killed some--"

So wait, he didn't want anybody to know about it, yet he's ready to tell Birch about what happened?

: "That's great! Listen, have you heard of a guy called Esau?"

: "Um, Prof., that's what I'm trying to--"

: "You have? Good! He's the kind of guy who could prove a useful ally in your quest."

: "Prof, I'm trying to tell--"

: "So what I want you to do is go and ask him for help in finding Landon or May, yeah? No offense, but you're not doing so well on your own."

: "..."

: "Thank you. Now, here's what happened: I got angry and I accidentally killed Esau."

: ".... WHAT?!"

: "I know, I know, but--"

: "Holy Hombones! Jack, what is wrong with you?! You just KILLED a guy?!"

: "I know, I know, and that's why I need your help! What do I do, Birch, what do I do?"

[Birch is completely silent]

: "Professor?"

: "Yeah. Could - Could've happened to anyone."

: "Okay, listen to me. Here's what you're going to do: absolutely nothing. Carry on as usual."

: "What? But I--"

I really like this sequence for some reason. There's something about the dark comedy that makes me giggle.

: "An accident! Any witnesses?"

: "No, unless you count my Pokemon--"

: "Then it's fine. Jeez, you had me worried there for a moment. No one can prove anything. It's fine, you'll be fine."

: "There's no more time for morality here, Jack. Wake up already! This world is screwed! All I want is my daughter back, okay? I don't care who dies anymore!"

: "... Professor Birch? Are you okay?"

: "... No, Jack. No, I'm not."

[Birch hangs up the phone]

... Hot damn, that conversation was heavy. Like that was a legit moment.

"I'd better find Landon or May, or he might never recover... That means breaking into Sootopolis. But how to do that...? I guess there's only one thing to do. I have to seek out Dr. Blackthorn. I need his help here."

Ah yes, the "always appears at the right moment" doctor. Good thing Jack didn't accidentally kill him by mentioning his name is based on a town from Gold/Silver/Crystal.

"I wonder where the doc is? He said he was going to Fort Draco, but I can't fly there because of the heat haze..."

What, that's the reason we can't just pop over there whenever we want? Come on.

: "I know! I'll type Blackthorn into the Pokephone's search function!"

[Jack types in the name on his phone]

There's a higher chance Jack is going to find every person that lives in the city of the same name.

: "Doc!"

Dr. Blackthorn: "Ah, Jack, is it? Please wait one moment. I have another player character to guide - I'm currently in a different game. I'll call you back when I'm done."

... I have at least three things to say about this:

#2: Wow, that's as blatant as a sledgehammer to the back of the head.
#3: How much you want to bet the other game he's in is infinitely better than Snakewood?

^ The perfect reaction to this entire game

You could have snipped out that fourth wall breaking joke and went straight to the plot we had to do. But trust me when I say that's not even the worst of it.

: "Doc?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "The very same. Well, Jack, to what do I owe this unexpected pleasure?"

: "I've... completed my training with Esau. We did a montage."

You can just tell he's rolling his eyes trying to think of a good answer.

Dr. Blackthorn: "Excellent. Meet me at Cassidy Rock, down in the abandoned mines, and we'll break into Sootopolis."

: "Where are the abandoned mines?"

"Let me see... do you know a place called Sky Pillar?"

: "That sounds familiar... is it east of Pacifidlog?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "Yes. Now, the Pillar collapsed two years ago when Rayquaza was killed, and a mine was dug into the rubble, mining for elemental stones. The mine was abandoned last year."


You killed off RAYQUAZA, Cutlerine? The king of cool? Kyogre's dead too considering he's part of A Monster, so it's like... what the hell! What is your deal, dude?

(at the very least this means Mega Rayquaza doesn't get to be more powerful than God)

: "See you there, doc!"

Way to be respectful of a dead legendary, Jack.

Dr. Blackthorn: "Yes. I, too, shall see you there."

[Dr. Blackthorn hangs up]

[Current audio in-game: Inside of Mt. Pyre]

The song makes this place much creepier than it should be. Anyway, let's check out the sign.

"Historically, this was the site of the ancient Sky Pillar, which dated back some 2000 years. Who built it is uncertain, but it is certain that it was tied to the health of the legendary Pokemon Rayquaza - when the beast was shot down over the Bristol Channel, the Pillar collapsed instantly, forming a mountain rich in mineral ores, particularly elemental stones. However, the seams were quickly exhausted, and now the mines are abandoned once again, except for lunatics and certain Pokemon."

I'm conflicted. This is honestly a cool worldbuilding moment, but at the same time it just casually killed off a big name like Rayquaza offscreen. You just don't do it, man.

: "Um... no."

Well, that was a thing.

Oh would you look at that - another maze!

I hate this game.

[Theme I would use for the serious Deadly Seven: [Sword of Justice] Battle (Shin Megami Tensei 2)]

Can you see why I called today's episode the Mine of Madness?

All of them are here, by the way. Excluding Asimov for obvious reasons.

Due how the postgame works, they have nightmarishly overleveled Pokemon as well. At the very least, the Deadly part of their names is relevant now.

Mikov isn't hard in the slightest due to the Oddish family not being a viable threat.

I should mention that while the mine doesn't kick you out if you make a mistake, it's still confusing. Anyway, the Glow Herb here is essentially the White Herb from the normal games - it resets any stat that was lowered through Intimidate, Leer, etc.

"We train here in the hope of building up the strength to take our revenge on That Man."

Yes, but do you really have to use Jack as the training dummy?

Bobov starts off predictably. Steelix isn't much of a threat for us now that Ballin is a Qwilshark.

Holy Hombones, what is that? (i am so sorry for saying that)

Diamandix is a brand new evolution for Steelix that evolves when its Beauty is maxed out. Problem is, there is no conceivable way to make Pokeblocks in this game so the only way you'd be able to get one is if you hacked one in. It's / type and has an absolutely disgusting 255 base defense! The only weaknesses it has are and , both of which were considered Physical before Gen IV.

So effectively, this thing has no real weaknesses. What is this game, man...

Jeanne ignores his defenses with her usual strategy and takes him down in no time flat, though. What would this team be without you, babe?

But wait, Bobov has like three of them! I wish - I wish I was making this up.

Yes, you are seriously expected to defeat them despite them being having more powerful defenses than anything you'll probably ever fight in a Pokemon game.

Jeanne couldn't deal with all of them, so Bellamine had to pick up the slack.

No kidding, god damn. Again - if everyone is significantly more powerful than Jack and they're willing to fight, why do we have to do everything?

: "Sorry about that, Jeanne. You showed that asshole how it's done, though."

: ("For claiming to help us, they're just as vicious as they were back when they were crazy...")

"This is a rock, however much it might look like a big piece of blue candy."

Blue candy. God damn it, what is it with this game and candy?

"My name is Gunkov, and I will have my vengeance - in this life or the next!"

: "Why are you taking it out on me, though?!"

Gunkov is one of the worst of the Deadly Seven aside from Bobov's three act Diamandix show.

It's because all of his Pokemon are Kenchukuo.

God, it's like... Honest question. How are you meant to do the postgame without grinding? I'll keep asking this question until I beat the game, I swear.

Ambes and Bellamine work together to zap the rest, which is really fortunate considering they're the exact right types to deal with these things.

A possible question one might ask: "Dan, why don't you get a Kenchira from Mt. Pyre and grind them up?". The thing is, Kenchukuo are weak to their own type - aka. Flying - and have meh defenses at best. (That and I don't really like it as opposed to Zangol/Valor)

You know, I bemoan the postgame's difficulty all of the time, but perhaps the reason Jack is the "chosen one" or some trash is because he's able to win regardless of how strong the enemy is.

That might be giving the game an insane amount of credit that it absolutely does not deserve, but it's one explanation.

"You... Us... We are all powerful trainers, but none of that is any use against the forces of evil."

Then why are you training, then? Bah, go brood somewhere else.

"The Order will not be defeated by the death of our leader!"

Why couldn't we have had these Deadly Seven members throughout our adventure instead of the incompetent chucklepsyducks?

Karkov has an all Flygon team. For some reason they all specialize in one particular Pokemon family, which makes them predictable or annoying depending on what they have.

^ Basically how the fight with him progressed

Bellamine is really good at tanking Earthquakes.

"I will not rest, nor shall my sword sleep in my hand, until I defeat that man."

Christ, the death of their leader really turned off their funny switch. I can't really blame them.

Robotnov, despite having robot in his name, isn't the one that has the Diamandix in his team.

Rolv is the guy that has the Metagrosses. I've always thought of Metagross as this super unbeatable Pokemon when I was younger - top tier Pokemon of Gen 3. This was mostly because when I was younger, things that were hard to get were like super strong.

Younger Dan didn't understand how grinding worked.

A few Flamethrowers from Jeanne take them out almost instantly, which is pretty good.

Thunderbolt. I can imagine this being useful if we never had Ambes. Something that I would never let happen because he's one of the kings of cool.

I don't remember what this one's name is, but he's the one who has Ampharos. Ampharos are blistering due to Thunderpunch being Special and Special Attack being their forte. Aside from that, he'll try to slow you down with Cotton Spore which... doesn't really bother me if I switch to another Pokemon.

...When the letters are capitalized like that, I can't help but feel it's a reference to something. The game would totally do at this point.

Okay, I was wrong - Vladov is probably the worst.

Tauros is nothing special aside from being the muscle. He's really strong but he goes down easily.

There was also a Miltank that tried to paralyze Valor with Skullbreaker. Didn't work, as you can tell.


Oh god why this thing again. See, I can at least get rid of the other two (Kenchukuo and Diamandix) without much of a fuss due to having type weaknesses and a solid strategy. Ramshaker, on the other hand, is a big bulky bore that takes too long to get rid of.

A reminder: Everybody at this point spams Full Restores in some desperate attempt to not lose. This is after like four of them or something, which is why I really hate fighting bulky enemies like this.

The final Pokemon he had were another Tauros and a Miltank. Yawn.

: ("You bet your damn skippy we did, motherfu--")

: [Coughs] ("... Right. Shall we keep going, then?")

Adolv is probably the second easiest behind Mikov. This still means he's pretty hard.

All he has are Dragonite. They hit pretty damn hard but aren't really that scary.

Best part about it? Ambes was able to freeze one before he wailed on it. Karmic payback for the times he's been frozen himself.

God, imagine if Gen 3 had part Fairy Gardevoir like the newer games. This would be so one-sided.

"I now pass that responsibility to you."

You put your trust in the right guy.

Okay, come on. This is even worse than Snake Oil! It only cures... freezing...

Oh god damn it.

Okay, this looks pretty beast. What's up ahead?

An old man? What's he the in the way for?


: "What?"

: "Oh, I'm sorry, I mistook you for a Balrog. Carry on!"

[The "old man" jumps off of the bridge to the lava]

The sign at the beginning did say there were lunatics in here. You were warned.

I should probably come back here with Strength to see what's up with that guy. But then again, it's probably not that important.

[Imagine the screen shaking violently]

: "... What the hell?"

Just play this again.

"I'm Pyrite, and my Fool's Gold sure tricked them Miners! Hah! What? That's immoral? Whaddya you care?"

This game is almost to the point of being a Saturday Morning Cartoon.

Pyrite had the usual except for a Shiftry... that Valor just punches out in an instant.

Sweet, more money. As if I really needed it.

Other Dwarves: "HI-HOOOO!!"

: "I have to escape before they start singing!"

Let's just move on.

"It's Cassidy Rock. According to local legend, it was once part of a mountain that the Virgin Mary may have once stepped on a part of."

See, this is why I refrained from talking about it earlier. Bible references.

It's almost as if Cutlerine wanted to really make the act of citing the existence of a pre-existing work into a strong plot point. Problem with that is that you can't really build a good story on making references, since it's not stuff you've made yourself and ultimately comes right the psyduck out of nowhere.

I can at least give him credit that he's good at black comedy / being self-aware when he's not being an idiot.

: "Hi, Doc. What's up?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "We are going to break into Sootopolis. I brought you here because Cassidy Rock has a connection with the Christian religion."

Just... we're referencing real life religions in this now? This is a plot point in Snakewood? Give me a break, man.

: "Christian? What's that?"

Dr. Blackthorn: "In the west, it's quite a big religion, like Shinto or Barqueshi here. It's relevant because it means that Cassidy Rock has a divine aspect to it."

: "Can you phrase this clearly, Doc? I don't understand."

Dr. Blackthorn: "Jack, Sootopolis is protected by dark magic. Light magic is necessary to get to it. So, we must break the spell surrounding it - and to do that, we need the divine power of Cassidy Rock."

What, is this Shantae and the Pirate's Curse now?

: "That'll get us in?"

But there's no way you could have known Jack was - okay, whatever. At least the game gave us an explanation.

A Toxicroak? Well, what relation could they have with Jack?

: "T-Toxicroak?"

[Flash of light]

: "Ugh!"

Dr. Blackthorn: "Is it a flashback? This one may be real!"

[Two more flashes of light]

"Here you go, Jack. My friend Dawn in Sinnoh sent this Croagunk over to me. You can have it as your first Pokemon!"

Wow, we actually got some backstory about Jack.

: "Toxicroak... I remember you!"

Cool. Let's move a spot over for--

[Comes back with an empty slot]

: "Since everybody else is sporting a nickname... let's call you Gauss."

: ("'Aight. Nice to meet you after such a long time, Jack.")

(I know in the actual game he's not called Gauss yet, but just roll with me here)

Don't tell me that touching the rock will take us to a water park instead of where we need to go.

[Screen fades to black]

Wow, that was abrupt. Anyway, that's the end of this chapter - see you guys next time on Pokemon Snakewood where we prepare to take on Senex's lair.

Sidequest List:
  • Collect all fifty Broken Hearts (8 out of 50)
  • Get Strength to move the boulders
Team setup:

(Bellamine, , Level 67, ) - "Why hello, Gauss. Welcome to the team."
(Ambes, , Level 62, ) - "So you're Jack's first Pokemon? Nice to meet you! I'm Ambes!"
(Jeanne, , Level 61, ) - "Watch yourself around here, new guy. The things we see going around Hoenn aren't for the faint of heart."
(Gauss, , Level 67, /) - "Heh. Y'all don't need to worry about me. I've seen my fair share of horrible muk in my spare time. I assume you've been taking good care of Jack in my absence?"
(Ace, , Level 58, has Anadrin Talon, /) - "Oh, don't worry about that, pal. Nobody touches Jack and lives to tell the tale."
(Ballin, , level 62, /) - "You seem like a pretty cool guy. But... I just have one thing to ask? What the hell is going on around here?!"

Back-up Team:

(Reggie, , Level 61, has Leftovers, /) - "Jack's first Pokemon, eh? Seems like a pretty chill dude."
(Zagon, , Level 63, /) - "Is it just me or did the Deadly Seven want to tear out Jack's jugular? They were pretty fearsome."
(Alice, , level 62, ) - "Ooh, the new guy is the first Pokemon Jack's ever had? I have to talk to him, nya!"
(Valor, , Level 63, has Plus Band, /) - "Yo, Gauss is kinda chill. I think me and him would get along just fine."
(Juno, , Level 60, /) - "So wait, we're suddenly in Sootopolis? We're at the heart of the enemy's stronghold!"
(Umbra, , Level 62, ) - "I wouldn't worry about it too much, Juno. There seems to be some barrier that's shielding our presence from the likes of Gleis."
(Tohru, , Level 60, /) - "I'll admit, it feels a bit more intense here than most other places we've been to."
(Pumbloom, , level 56, ) - "I AGREE WITH BALLIN. WHAT'S GOING ON?"
(Wagner, , Level 57, /) - "Huh? Oh wait! Are we in Sootopolis? We can't be here already!"
(Chloris, , level 61, /) - * falls off of Wagner's back and abruptly wakes up * "Ack! Could you at least give me some warning before you do that?" * yawn *
(Beatrice, , Level 50, /) - "What a silly day this has been. But ooh, if you could throw me at those Deadly Seven, I'd give them what for!"
(Shine, , level 33, ) - "Gauss is the first Pokemon Jack's ever had? Wow! I wonder what Jack was like as a kid. He must have been adorable."
(Spark, , level 32, ) - "When you bring that up sis, I can't help but imagine baby Jack."
(Menti, , level 57, /) - "Ooooooh... What's going on? Are we in Sootopolis? Is the crew going to have to fight... Senex? I wonder what would happen to me if they defeat him..."
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