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I am not happy.

Posted February 21st, 2016 at 8:47 PM by polymorphism

So I've been thinking about whether or not to post this blog for a couple days but I decided that I probably should even if it's just for me. You are being warned that this is a depressing blog post. I know that writing down my thoughts helps me deal with the negative ones. This is part of a healing process hopefully. I am feeling pained and sadly the fault is not in our stars, dear Brutus, but in ourselves.

Also any usage of "you" here strictly reflects my own thoughts about myself not necessarily any universal thought about the nature of humanity.


I guess I should preface this whole thing with this: I am a very lonely person and I am incredibly bad at talking about my feelings publicly when they are bothering me.

I don't know whether it shows or not but I am incredibly lonely. When I say things like this it is of course meant (at least partially) for comedic effect, however it honestly really does reflect in some ways how I really feel. I've gone through major bouts of depression before due to a crushing amount of loneliness. What was essentially total social ostracization on pure accident so I am quite aware of this character flaw so to speak in my own personality. I am by no means seeking someone to spend every waking second with but I feel like I do spend enough time alone to think about this and that in and of itself is enough to make me wonder why I feel the need to unless I do not receive enough human contact. Now I am not seeking fake contact and would never want someone to talk to me simply because they felt pity on a person who is lonely.

I also probably do not help myself in this regard. I probably appear overconfident, cocky, snarky, maybe even a little bit mean or rude on occasion but it's never on purpose. No one completely likes themselves and that's one of the ways in which I cope with my own insecurities. I do play along with friends and use profanity and call them names time to time just to mess around like friends do. However sometimes I get in quite an emotional state and even though I know they're just kidding the words stick like a dagger in my back. I used to be excellent at making friends with everybody but I do not know what happened. I seem to be nearly incapable of making meaningful relationships that move beyond anything other than the occasional message.

That being said I would like to acknowledge that yes I do have friends and yes if I actually came to them and talked about this they would hear me out but as stated above I am pretty terrible at talking about my emotions whilst they bother me. In fact that's why I'm writing a blog post rather than actually talking to someone about this, it's because in some ways I'm still not really comfortable telling any of my friends directly that I feel this way. I feel like I would let them down, possibly make them feel like lesser friends or bad friends because just because they can't read my mind. Additionally listening to others' problems has always been my thing. I have always had a lot of people come to me and talk about their problems, but there has always been this paradoxical lack of anyone for me to really talk to. The few people I have opened up with I pretty much turned the entire relationship into me being constantly depressed and talking about negative things and no one wants to hear that. There's only so much of your own negativity that you should put your own friends through. Even if they were willing to put up with endless amounts of negativity from you what are they supposed to do? They're already your friend there's nothing they can do to make you any less lonely.

These feelings also affect me physically too. I already have a hard time falling asleep (I have never been diagnosed with insomnia but regardless I have a hard time feeling sleep) and feeling this way even whilst there is nothing going on doesn't help me sleep. Even whilst writing this in the past 60 or so hours I've received somewhere around 1:30 hours of sleep. My spacial perception has even been a little off I feel a slight pulsating (I promise other than sleep deprived I am completely sober). My eating habits are also negatively effected and lack of sleep leads to weight gain.

I don't know, I would write more but my brain is absolutely fried and I am feeling marginally better after typing this all out.
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  1. Old Comment
    Kura's Avatar
    Understandably, being alone and feeling lonely are two separate mental states, however I applaud you for challenging yourself and writing this blog. I personally feel like it's the personal challenges we give ourselves (whether we succeed or not) that help us get ourselves out of those darker moments. Keep at it and keep sharing; do it for yourself and keep doing it even if you get negative response if you feel like it is giving you positive healing.
    Posted February 22nd, 2016 at 1:00 AM by Kura Kura is offline
  2. Old Comment
    polymorphism's Avatar
    *removed because blogs are stupid and don't post like 90% of what I write for whatever stupid reason*
    Posted February 22nd, 2016 at 7:27 PM by polymorphism polymorphism is offline
    Updated February 23rd, 2016 at 12:47 PM by polymorphism

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