Hmm... Well, first off, you wouldn't use something like "*sniffle*". You would say "Ikiji sniffled." and then follow it up with him speaking. But that's just me.
Actually, I don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe the person's title was just more catchy than yours? Just because it has more views doesn't mean its more popular ;D
Yeah, I like all three versions, but Pikachu is my fave...
I'm kinda depressed though. I want to put Ikiji's (a character of mine) story on here, but I put this prologue up, and I've only got 47 views, compared to a guy who posted the day after me and already has over 100...
I like Ikiji's tale because it combines all three Chu's in a single plot (Ikiji's companion, Matsuko, starts as a Pichu and evolves over the course of the story.) It's different from other trainer stories, but Ijust wish it hadn't flopped so bad... hey...
If it's not too much trouble, could you read it and tell me what I might've done wrong? Please?