Conversation Between Aquacorde and Vernikova
1 to 15 of 148
  1. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 8:36 PM
    Vernikova
    There are many things that need to be worked on really.
  2. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 8:27 PM
    Aquacorde
    Haha, I guess so. I think AK could work on setting moods a bit more.
  3. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 8:25 PM
    Vernikova
    They probably like to read about guys randomly killing themselves with no prior set up and scenes that are way too short. :§
  4. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 8:17 PM
    Aquacorde
    Thank you. Apparently everyone but Sammyskitty and the judges did. :/
  5. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 5:20 PM
    Vernikova
    "Oh, whatever." A thought struck Ash. "Hey- why were you asking about Iris? You gonna kiss her?"

    "Heck no! I like curvaceous ladies, not children who haven't hit puberty yet. I'm going for a certain tipsy professor- WHOA!"
    My favorite part. I liked your story better than Advanced's if that means anything to you.
  6. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 5:12 PM
    Vernikova
    Okay i will read it. read read read
  7. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 5:02 PM
    Aquacorde
    Okie dokie~
  8. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 5:01 PM
    Vernikova
    I will read it tonight but first I have to read a story by someone else really quick. XP
  9. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 4:58 PM
    Aquacorde
    It's here
  10. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 4:37 PM
    Vernikova
    I see. Can I read your story?
  11. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 1:05 PM
    Aquacorde
    From bobandbill:
    Spoiler:
    A nice story - I liked the idea of the kissing 'tradition' for the new year and the ending was particularly well-written. I am not one who is much into shipping, particularly of Ash and co characters (not the biggest fan of the anime), but you certainly carried it well. Well-paced and set-up, and all in all pretty steady.

    Maybe some more establishment into what Dent looked like for instance as it seems more focus was spent on Ash than him occurred, as well as Pod and Cod (even if they are in the 'current'/new 5th gen some readers might not be that familiar with them), and the same with characterisation - they certainly were interesting and accurate but I did feel maybe more could have been added to them... say some more description into how they acted when they said their lines mrged with a mention of a physical detail about them would solve both at once for instance if well-managed.

    But the description in scenes like the kiss at the end was quite good, I thought - not too overblown for my liking or the sort, and it was also nice in the beginning scene as well - some more of it would have been nice to see, is all. Nice touches of comedy thrown in too, such as Pod falling off the roof and Ash's typical 'durr what is dating' responses, which I thought was quite accurate to his character. XD

    The odd thing here and there I thought to mention:
    Most of the flakes settled serenely on lawns, streets and rooftops, but an unlucky few met their doom in the form of a warm pink tongue belonging to a delighted brown-eyed young man.

    Ash was perched on the roof of Professor Araragi’s house, catching snowflakes in his mouth and enjoying the cold air.
    Can insert comma in 'delighted, brown-eyed young man' to separate the adjectives there. Note also that you mention twice here that he catches snowflakes in his mouth - it's easy enough to tell the first time around so it becomes a touch repetitive.
    “So,” Pod began, sitting himself down next to Ash. “You and that Iris chick, am I right?”

    “Huh?” Ash was confused. “What about me and Iris?”

    “Aren’t you two...” he made some interesting gestures in midair, but gave up upon seeing complete bewilderment in Ash’s eyes
    I did like this response from Ash. XD
    The brown-eyed boy rested his chin in his hands and stared vaguely out into the starry night.
    You already mentioned his brown eyes so be careful not to stray into being too repetitive with facts.
    “He wouldn’t kiss his mother or Professor Oak, who he sees as a father figure.” Corn chimed in.
    “-her assistants, and yours truly.” Corn continued.
    Full stops at the end of the dialogue should be a comma there, as the part following is about the dialogue (who said it) so the whole part should be treated as one sentence, hence no full stop. Note though that you did it correctly the rest of the time.

    Overall a neat story here - quiet but not boring, with the scenes well-written overall - nice work.


    From JX Valentine:
    Spoiler:
    I'm going to be pretty lenient when it comes to grammatical reviews because I have specific points to focus on, but I will have to say there's a few oddities that one should keep in mind. For example:

    Kanoko town
    When you have a two-word name, you need to capitalize both words. That is, you are not, in this case, saying "a town." You are saying the specific town called Kanoko Town. Town is part of its name in this case (note the lack of an article), so you'll need to capitalize it.

    Meanwhile, I do have to admit that your descriptions weren't half bad. The image of the snow falling at the beginning was a fantastic opener, producing a very poetic, magical feel about it. Really, the only thing that seemed to detract from this area was the fact that Ash seems to be the only character you're describing here. I mean, sure, it's okay to describe only necessary details when it comes to characters, but it strikes me as a little odd that you go into description about Ash's eyes multiple times in the fic while only giving the three brothers one description (that of the color of Pod's hair) between them.

    With characterization, I felt like Ash was spot-on, and it was refreshing to see him characterized with absolutely zero knowledge over dating. It even helped established cultural differences between Kanto and Unova, which is something I didn't think many people would consider playing with. Not to mention it also led to a nice Crowning Moment of Funny with the entire scene involving Pod.

    The brothers, meanwhile, went either way. Pod was a pretty hilarious and entertaining character with his utterly dirty mind combined with the fact that he's hyper. (Falling off the roof was a nice touch, as was having him hit on Professor Araragi.) On the other hand, Corn seemed a little on the bland side. (Although he is, according to fans, the calmest of the three, it seemed like he was only there to serve as a logic mine – as in, only there to work out who Ash likes.)

    Dent... I felt a little awkward watching the fic lampshade the fact that he went OOC. It might have been better for the plot as a whole to figure out how to have Dent react smoothly and rationally, rather than in a way that would require the narration to call him out on acting exactly as he wouldn't normally, if that makes sense. I guess the shorter and simpler way of putting it is every character has a different way to react to things, and it's easier to keep in mind one's personality and figure things out from there. Sure, there's exceptions, but for something as minor (read: not life-threatening/world-shaking/what-have-you) as the fact that Pod went to go talk to the love of his life, Dent's practical flailing seems a little over-the-top.

    “What.”
    Be careful with your punctuation marks.

    “He wouldn’t kiss his mother or Professor Oak, who he sees as a father figure.” Corn chimed in.
    Strangely, you punctuate dialogue correctly otherwise, so all I just have to say is although this was a competition with a time limit, be careful about these kinds of things.

    Other than that, there's just one last thing to comment on: the plot itself. It was cute, fluffy, and it got the point across. Everything was pretty much solid in terms of things making sense, and one event flowed into the other all right. However, because of the way the characters worked out (some being amazingly in-character and others not so much), it also felt like you could have replaced the cast with someone else and gotten the same story. It's not bad (and it, in fact, gave me the warm and fuzzies either way), of course. Very cute for a new year's story. It's just that, yeah, the characters.

    But I still have to commend you for actually bringing something new to the table (the Unova-only tradition), actually explaining it (rather than just having characters go through it for the sake of being cute and fluffy), and spicing it up with some nice comedic moments.
  12. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 12:42 PM
    Vernikova
    Well, what exactly did their comments say?
  13. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 12:35 PM
    Aquacorde
    I don't know. Everyone is telling me it lost because the judges don't like yaoi. bobandbill and JX Valentine sent comments with their scores that didn't actually tell me anything. I'm so confused. And rather disappointed. /understatement
  14. Vernikova
    January 8th, 2011 12:29 PM
    Vernikova
    What was wrong with it?
  15. Aquacorde
    January 8th, 2011 12:25 PM
    Aquacorde
    It didn't beat it and it didn't even place.