Showing Visitor Messages 16 to 23 of 23
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July 18th, 2012 7:25 AMManaRighty! I much prefer your History now, it has a bit more direction and is more concise. However, there are a few writing-style comments I think it might be best to discuss now before I let you loose on the ship!
Firstly, your history still suffers from a lack of detail. Almost every sentence is a new event, and even then sentences tend to be short.
For example:
Anyways, so she went to the Pewter Gym… where the leader was, Brock.. he was specialized in Rock type Pokémon, because she was still a rookie, she didn’t know the weakness of electric type Pokémon, and that was really stupid of her, she battled him with Pichu, Brock’s Geodude won with Rollout, luckily she had her OddishCan become:
Miranda strolled into Pewter Gym, quietly confident that she could take him down - especially now she had four pokémon. The first matchup was Peeka vs Brock's Geodude; Pichu was much quicker than the sluggish Rock pokémon, but Miranda had forgotten one important factor.With this example it's also quite apparent that you type like how you would tell someone the story, rather than how a book would be read. Although this can add some personality to your posts it does make it harder to read, and often seems a bit scattered.
"Geodude, Mudslap!" Commanded the Gym Leader, his pokémon quickly kicking up dirt and exploiting Pichu's weakness to ground-type moves. Peeka quickly fainted, overcome by the powerful Geodude.
Miranda thought more carefully about her next choice, thinking back to her type-matchup lessons she settled on her newly caught oddish...
Anyway, I'd love it if you could read through your history again - maybe break it up into smaller paragraphs and think about how you could expand each bit to make it more descriptive - something which you'd expect to find in a book or likewise. -
July 18th, 2012 7:07 AMMirandaxPikachuThanks again for your feedback, changed it, I've only been in Kanto and I have seven badges. xx
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July 18th, 2012 6:02 AMMirandaxPikachuThank you so much for your feedback, I will change some things! :). Sorry if my english wasn't that good. :P
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July 18th, 2012 5:56 AMManaHi there! I left some feedback in the thread, hope it all makes sense!
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July 18th, 2012 5:37 AMMirandaxPikachuI've posted my application in the S.S Anne forum ( RP Lounge.) xoxo
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July 18th, 2012 4:09 AMMirandaxPikachuThank you so much! Could you please reserve the place? I'll start making my application right away! :)
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July 18th, 2012 2:10 AMManaNope there is one space left! If you can finish an application by Friday you'll be in the perfect position to start straight away.
If it's your first roleplay I recommend looking at how others have laid out their application, to make use of [b]bold[*/b] or[INDENT][*/INDENT]to make it as attractive as possible.
Hope to see you there soon! -
July 18th, 2012 2:07 AMMirandaxPikachuEhm, Hi! I've seen your RP : "Danger on the S.S. Anne" is it too late to join? I love RP. ( even tho this would be my first one. ) :P

