Conversation Between Mana and Nidoking76
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  1. Mana
    April 25th, 2014 11:11 AM
    Mana
    Good, I can see some improvements! :) Now let's think layout, how can we present this better?

    What I say before, about it being far too 'scriptlike' is because of the overuse of speech. You could always shorten what they are saying, or describing their reactions through motion (shrugging, waving, whatever). It also helps to break up your paragraphs fully, since indentation doesn't work on here, to make your text easier to read.

    Here is an example of the style I would write it in - note I also included a 'story' title, you might even want a full title. Anything I have added is in red.

    Edited:
    Spoiler:
    Story:

    The three heroes sit at the old, worn out tavern table. It had been an hour since they had gathered; they were still waiting for the person who had called them. After hours of sitting and drinking booze, a short, stout man walked to the table, and sat down. Tarr- one of the adventurers- smiled. He was hoping this wasn't some sick prank. "What is our quest?" asked Tarr.

    "This is no quest you've ever gone on before," the stout man replied. "Today, it's going to be something different than the usual job you've done."

    "And this would be?" Tarr scoffed, intrigued at their upcoming quest.

    "A quest to save the world." A small smile was fixed on the barman's lips, as he saw the reaction he had been anticipating.

    An short silence covered the table. At last Shiella - another hero voiced her confusion, the short man gulped. "This is something larger than anything I've ever seen before. A dark power is rising from the Temple. Something that only matches the strength of an angry god..."

    "You don't mean-"

    "Yes," the short man interrupted. Everyone knew of the legend of The Great Dracomaniac - Kolonin, none had ever considered it was real.

    "Kolonin is a legend," Korr, a burly man whose drink had not been touched, stated.

    The stout man rubbed his eyes. "One would think you lot, of all people, would know better than to just 'assume' that something's a legend. Kolonin is real. And he has come to destroy us all." How the barman had come to know this much, the adventurers did not know - but the very idea of Kolonin existing was a disturbing proposal, let alone that they would be able to take him out.


    Original:
    Spoiler:
    The three heroes sit at the old, worn out tavern table. It had been an hour since they had gathered; they were still waiting for the person who had called them. After hours of sitting and drinking booze, a short, stout man walked to the table, and sat down. Tarr-one of the adventurers- smiled. He was hoping this wasn't some sick prank.
    "What is our quest?" asked Tarr.
    "This is no quest you've ever gone on before," the stout man replied. "Today, it's going to be something different than the usual job you've done."
    "And this would be?"
    "A quest to save the world."
    An short silence covered the table. At last Shiella- another hero-said "What?"
    The short man gulped. "This is something larger than anything I've ever seen before. A dark power is rising from the Temple. Something that only matches the strength of an angry god."
    "You don't mean-"
    "Yes," the short man interrupted. "The power only matches that of the great Dracomaniac, otherwise known as Kolonin."
    "Kolonin is a legend," Korr-yet another adventurer-stated.
    The stout man rubbed his eyes, then said "One would think you lot, of all people, would know better than to just 'assume' that something's a legend. Kolonin is real. And he has come to destroy us all."
    Korr stood up. "We will not do this!" he shouted, banging his fist on the table."If we go there, you know we won't come back!"
    The stout man sighed."If you will not help me," he said, "then leave. I can find someone who is willing to think of something other than himself."
  2. Nidoking76
    April 25th, 2014 10:54 AM
    Nidoking76
    Tried again :)
  3. Nidoking76
    April 25th, 2014 10:32 AM
    Nidoking76
    Your right- thanks for that :)
  4. Mana
    April 25th, 2014 10:29 AM
    Mana
    Yeah... I just don't really get it. It's your title and rules, but nowhere else do you talk about teamwork, watching each others backs, etc... If you're gonna use a title like that really drill it home!
  5. Nidoking76
    April 25th, 2014 10:26 AM
    Nidoking76
    What's not to get about the title? It's gotta be the most important rule about that RP.
  6. Mana
    April 25th, 2014 10:25 AM
    Mana
    psst! I don't have time to do a full, blow-by-blow piece of feedback right now but a few things straight up:
    1. Try and make that opening in to paragraphs, with details, as at the moment it is a bit like reading a script.
    2. List professions! Let people know what you mean and what you're looking for.
    3. I'm sorry I don't get the title? :s
  7. Nidoking76
    April 25th, 2014 10:20 AM
    Nidoking76
    I submitted a RP Magic. Please tell me if I need to fix it so I can try again.