VisionofMilotic

Uh hopefully you don't mind the name birdo either. This one doesn't have much logic, but: https://www.mariowiki.com/Birdo

We are okay, thanks for asking. Not the greatest start to this year...but things can change and look up. My mother is getting her vaccination tomorrow for covid (She's in the healthcare field).

Random question, but are you a cat or dog person

I'm so sorry. I know you were only trying to help, but I'm afraid I have to leave this place. Maybe for a while, maybe for good. I don't know. I'm not well.

Years ago before you were promoted, I asked the staff to issue out a temporary ban on me. This was during the time I knew things here at home would only get worse. I knew that, if I was allowed to remain active, and in complete control of my own account, I would make a mess of things. And they told me to get lost.

And they've denied my request again, for the second time. I don't know if they just don't understand the idea of someone's declining mental health, or if they just don't care for someone who happens to be suffering. They could all be laughing at me behind the scenes, making fun of the loser who can't drink water or can barely walk anymore. But the fact remains that someone who's mentally unstable somehow knows better than them.

I was right to ask for it. If they had just honored my request, I wouldn't have been flung into the irrational mental state that coaxed me to lash out at Cariad. And now she absolutely refuses to listen to me beg and grovel for her forgiveness, for a shot at letting her know that I really am sorry. I've known her since she was only 11 years old, and I threw it all away.

And the worst part is that I saw this coming from millions of kilometers away. If I wasn't allowed to access my account, maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. I could've prevented this, but I wasn't allowed to. And now I can't fix anything.

You don't want to know what it's like to be completely abandoned by the entire world, by the people you thought cared about you, just to leave you to suffer with no one to talk to until you die. Every passer-by who looks at you tries to make themselves feel better by telling you that "it's going to get better." It doesn't. It never does. It gets worse. And now my knee is broken, the muscles in my legs are decaying from lack of use, and my ribcage feels like it's going to cave in because I have very little water to drink. Nothing gets better.

Cariad was the last person I thought I had in the world. She at some point stopped taking interest in me, and just abandoned me. People come and people go, so I can't blame her for that. But that didn't stop me from doing what I did to her. And nobody in the staff let me prevent it like I knew I could have. But that's just how it goes nowadays, right? The gunman makes offensive posts online, writes a manifesto on Facebook, purchases firearms in broad daylight, and nobody cares enough to take notice. But then he goes out and shoots up the place, and everyone acts all surprised as if there were no warning signs.

But in this case, the gunman's outright telling you that he needs help, that he needs those in charge to stop him from hurting anyone else. But the staff only tells me, "You haven't hurt anyone yet, so deal with it on your own. We're just going to do nothing until after someone gets hurt, and then we can blame you for everything because you're a loser. We don't care about the warning signs." I've done this once before to Cariad, and I'm incredibly afraid of whom I'll end up hurting next.

I don't think it's healthy for me to remain capable of showing up here anymore, to wait for her to listen to me in spite of knowing that she never will. For the past month or so, I've found myself crying so much every time I think about her and what I've done. Sometimes, it's how I fall asleep. I tried to have makeshift therapy sessions by writing out my thoughts in my own VM board, to help me sort things out. It worked for a bit, but only so much. I'm still speaking to nobody, so I can't tell if my thoughts are the right ones that I'm supposed to have. I don't know if I hate her for leaving me alone, or if I still care about her enough to try fixing it all. And it scares me not knowing what I feel anymore.

I've had nightmares of plenty of my family, and I sleep with a knife nearby in fear of having to brandish it again. With my mind and body falling apart, and their ability to go through my bedroom door's lock, a knife is a fighting chance. I don't want to be in contact with anyone while I feel the pressing need to keep a weapon nearby at all times. I don't want to conflict who's kind with who's trying to tear me down.

All I wanted was one year. To be lost in other places, where I can recover without hurting someone. I know I can't restrain myself from coming back. I didn't ask for this just to be edgy, or to send someone a message. I know I'm not well, and I probably won't be for a while longer. And nobody cares, just like nobody cared when my knee first broke.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I want to be better. When I return from my shoddy, self-imposed isolation - and we all know I will because I've done this before - I'll have to start breaking rules just to get what I need. Maybe I'll post pornography somewhere, I don't know. I just wanted this to happen peacefully, without me making a mess of things like I always do. But that's not allowed. The idea of breaking the rules sickens me so much. I'm hoping to make it an entire year by my own accord so I wouldn't have to break the rules, but I fear I can't restrain myself, just as I couldn't the last time I tried to take a break. But I'm the bad guy, whether I want to be or not.

Please don't confuse the word "victim" with the idea of "innocence." I'm no saint. My hands are not clean. Maybe that's why I'm suffering so much; I deserve to lose my body and will to live because of who I hurt and will soon hurt. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore.

Your messages were also saved as emails, so even if I never check the address tied to this account, I can still go back to retrieve your resources. You can always send more for me, since I'm not allowed to be banned, and I'll catch them as emails. But if you need a more immediate connection, I've left my Discord tag in my profile. Of course it's only a temporary tag, and I don't expect you to actually use it at all, but the option's there to tell myself that I at least tried something in the endgame.

I'm so sorry. For everything. I know you're going through some things of your own, so I don't want to impose any further. Please take care of yourself, and do yourself a favor: Stay as far away from me as possible before I do something stupid again. Cariad has zero idea of anything I've told you, and she refuses to hear a single word I say, so she'll never know what this is all about. But you do. So if by some astronomical reason I end up lashing out at you, I can at the very least ensure in advance that I can soften the blow by opening up to you.

Thank you. For listening. For making me feel like someone actually knew I existed. I'm afraid of going back into the silence where nobody can hear me crying out for help. But after what I've done to that girl, maybe the silence is where I belong after all.

Please stay safe.

Thank you Sam! Had been on the fence for a long while, and sorta regretted being too scared to apply the last time PC was open for mod apps, ans and I thought I wouldn't have a chance for another couple months or years.

So I was really surprised when you guys reached out earlier! Can't believe you guys have been considering me all this time T-T I'm soft.

I'mma do my best to be a responsible mod that people can respect, while also not losing my fun side!

Can't wait to read your long and fun reply either! Conversations with you are pretty dope. I'll keep an eye out for it :D

All existing members as well as new members sorry for answering late

Hi VisionofMilotic, it's been quite some time! I wish you a beautiful and amazing year ahead. How's life?

I wanted to give a better shiny than Swanna, but it turns out I didn't have any more on this cartridge. Hence why I was searching all over. And no ribombee is cute, it's ok. Anyways I love the colors on shiny whismicott so much. I wasn't even sure what it was going to look like.

Also happy new year!

wishing you an advanced happy new year Sam! i wasn't able to reply to your message when i first saw it because i was over at my gf's place and my phone isn't a conducive medium to type out longer messages like what this is about to be eheh. i've forgotten about it since then and just saw this again now when i was redesigning my profile. so sorry!

anyhow, yessir Matthew Perry was literally the perfect guy to portray Chandler. the fact that a lot of his jokes were off script made me respect him more; he was indeed a natural in comedy. so glad he and Monica got the happy family they rightfully deserved <3

Joey's really good too. i really wasn't of him being the womanizer he was, but the show never failed to show his good side. he's just a caring dude who isn't the sharpest one on the block. i will comment that i wish they didn't flanderize him in the later seasons to be excessively stupid just for the sake of a couple jokes, but nevertheless it doesn't stop me from loving him.

every line of the theme is so iconic i totally sung every line of what you wrote in my mind lmao. it truly hasn't been our year, but we're looking forward to a more positive 2021 at the very least :D ugh imagine if they went with the other song they originally had before this one. yech... (EDIT - LINK to it if you haven't heard it yet. it's back when the show was still called "Friends Like Us". to me it just sounds like an extended play of the music that plays in between scene transitions lol)

ah yeah i was wondering why you never replied to that. i was afraid i offended you eheh. but yeah it's great to listen to, but it'll never be my fave Queen song. not even because of how mainstream it is, but because, well, i just like the structure & sound of other songs of theirs better. i haven't yet listened to I'm Going Slightly Mad, but you've convinced me to give it a go! Freddie's lower range is underrated and i need more of it. (EDIT - just gave it a listen! i don't know what it is, but Queen really has some signature "chords" in their progressions that really makes it sound uniquely like them. and i'm such a fan of Freddie's ad libs; his "oh dears" really add that playful vibe to an otherwise serious sounding 80s beat. i think this is the first Queen song i've heard where Mercury's vocal chords actually stayed calm til the end of the song lol they must have thanked the heavens during the recordings for these).

belated merry christmas (i never got to greet you i realize T-T), and advanced happy new year once again! all the best!

Uh also if your at all interested in why "Hercine".

https://elderscrolls.fandom.com/wiki/Hircine

Since the character likes to morph into a deer.

Your welcome. Thanks so, so much for the cottonee. Also have a good rest of your day

Nope you can keep the xerneas

No, the name is adorable and amazing. Better than anything I could think of.

You found me.

Thanks for this! I have one more thing to give

yep, got it.

I see you on the guest list but I can't initiate because your name is greyed out

Sorry for the slowness, it's going at a snail pace.