It's looking better. There is still one thing you can improve and that's the grammar.
In roleplay people refer their characters in third person. That means instead of "I am around 5ft 5in tall." you would say "Rafael Obeng is around 5ft 5in tall."
I know it seems kind of trivial, but it honestly drives some people crazy.
Then there's the spelling and grammar. I have here a spellcheck addon that will work with either Chrome or Firefox which will allow you to easily check your spelling and grammar.
Here's the Chrome version
Here's the Firefox version
If you install that addon you'll see a green checkmark with the letters ABC to the lower right of your posting boxs. If you click said checkmark it'll scan your post for any errors. With the exception of names it's pretty accurate.
If you simply run that over your SU and let it fix everything that isn't a name after you've switched to third person you should be good to go.
Sorry about asking you to do all this.