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-   -   Ash meets Alistair (https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=11175)

Jolty-kun June 22nd, 2004 11:04 AM

Ash meets Alistair
 
Hi everyone!, ages ago on microsoft word, i wrote a story 36 pages long!, but i no longer have that story because my family got a new computer, anyway here's m story where ash meets Alistair!!!!!!!!:

INTRADUCTION
The kids are on a brand new adventure as they go to a new region but not too many people know about this region, Ash and his NEW friends feel how it's like to explore new trainers and rivalries, even a new proffesser, pokemon in new locations and more badges to get as they enter, the Grant Region!.

Chapter 1 the beggining

Ash: Today is the day where i start again and try to complete my pokedex!, cause ive gotta catchem all!!!.
*Knock *Knock.
Who is that?..., oh well, *goes outside*,.
????: Hello!!!.
Ash: who are you?.
????: Mine name is Laura.
Ash:Laura?!
Laura: Yes, Laura
Ash: cool, wanna travel with me?
Laura: sure, where are you heading off to?
Ash: Professer Crabs lab!, to get my first pokemon
Laura:Me too.
Ash: Lets go

*goes off to lab*

Proffessor Crab: Hi you two!
Laura: Hi crab!
Ash: Hi crab!, so what are the three starters to choose from?
Proffesser crab: Azurill, Smoochum and...

Who is the last starter and who is Alistair find out in chapter 2!!!

Did you like it so far?, whadda ya think?, hope you enjoy chapter 2!!!!!!!

oni flygon June 22nd, 2004 11:20 AM

well, to start with...
Your fanfic needs some description and writing in script form is the worst thing you can do...Try being a bit more original. For instance, how did Ash know Professor Crabs? Or...What is Laura's history about or What is the history of the region? And...why did Ash knock on a random door... well...I hope you won't get angry or something...just advicing you...

(umm...36 pages is pretty good...but I hope that you could exert a bit of effort)

Mew13 June 22nd, 2004 3:47 PM

Your chapter was short. And it lacks description. Writing in script form is hard on both reader and author. I suggest you change it to an actual story. You know, with paragraph, descriptions, and feeling. It'll add length and interest to the story.

Jolty-kun June 22nd, 2004 11:14 PM

Yeah, like my old story i din't do it like a playscript e.g

Laura:
Ash:

All i did was like i started from so ill start another one!

cardiinaloleg June 23rd, 2004 5:50 AM

Hey, nice story. ;)
I really liked the way the words were put :)

Jolty-kun June 23rd, 2004 8:22 AM

Hey thanx cardiinaloleg!!!, atleast someone thinks so lol!, more of the story later!, do you want me to start again or go onto chapter 2?

Mew13 June 23rd, 2004 3:45 PM

I think you should move on to chapter 2, but try it in a story form. If it doesn't work, continue in script. But, I think you'll get a lot more (and nicer) reviews if it is in a story form!!

Jolty-kun June 23rd, 2004 11:16 PM

Thanx!!!, ill do some more today in story form!

Jolty-kun June 24th, 2004 1:35 PM

sorry i couldn't do it today, ill hopefully do it another day


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