The PokéCommunity Forums

The PokéCommunity Forums (https://www.pokecommunity.com/index.php)
-   Fan Fiction & Writing (https://www.pokecommunity.com/forumdisplay.php?f=20)
-   -   pokemon adventures (https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=12908)

baby_dragonite July 16th, 2004 10:41 PM

pokemon adventures
 
Hi.This is my first fic so no flames please.
I ran as fast as my feet could carry me to prof.oak's lab.I was in a hurry because today was the day i started my pokemon adventure."Bre!"I stopped wen i heard my name called."Hi brian,hows it going?"I said.Brian has been my best friend since second grade and weve been friends ever since."what pokemon are you getting?"I asked."Maybe a pikachu,or dratini.how bout you?"eevee."I simply said.
We arived at the doorstep of oaks lab."hello come in"he said.He led us to a small room with a donphan digging for food,an eevee with a little red head band around his head,a pikachu and poliwag playing with a ball,and a goldeen in a tank."pick a pokemon"Prof.oak said.I headed for the eevee when Oak stopped me."I would'nt chose that one."he said."It has problems with its legs,it cant walk to good."I looked over and saw brian holding the pikachu.
"profesor,I have deep feelings for cretures like that so i think I like eevee."I said."very well then.witch do you chose,brian?"Oak asked"I like pikachu"brian said."would you like to give nicknames to your pokemon?"oak asked"Shiro."i said."shocker"Brian stated."Ok,Shiro the male eevee,and shocker the female pikachu."oak said.Brian and i whent outside and started toward the first gym.Shiro sat on my shoulder and shocker sat on brians shoulder.somthing told me we were going to have a great time.


so,what do ya think?good,bad,ok?tell me

Sarafina July 17th, 2004 3:26 PM

If you make paragraphs I think would be a great story! Also, great start! ^_^

Abskull July 17th, 2004 4:05 PM

Story Check
 
Nice story! Of course it could always need some refrasing!

Plot

Very nice story! It needs some more description. It was a little short, but you're a begginer!

Description

We really don't know who you are. Who's "I" is it a he or she? You need to describe yourself a little better. Same with everyone else. You also didn't say what town you were in. I know that you're in Pallet town, but other people might not. Overall it was okay.

Grammatical Review

There was a couple grammar mistakes in this story. First:

Quote:

I ran as fast as my feet could carry me to prof.oak's lab.I was in a hurry because today was the day i started my pokemon adventure.
Every time you start a new sentence you always double space between the period and letter. Second:

Quote:

Brian has been my best friend since second grade and weve been friends ever since."what pokemon are you getting?"I asked.
You always start a new paragraph when someone speaks. You also need to capatalize the first letter. Also you must space when you finish a the speech. Example:
"I want that Pokemon," I said.
Third:

YOU MUST put a ' when it's someone's thing or place. Example:
Hey! That Mary's bag!

Spelling Errors

Wen is When
Cretures is Creatures
Would'nt is Wouldn't
Somthing is Something
Cant is Can't
Witch (hehe you mean the flying woman on a broom stick?) is Which

Abskull's Nitpicks

None really exept the fact of not capatilizing Pokemon names. Like pikachu I like capatilizing their names so it would be Pikachu.

Overall

I'll give this my seal of Needs Some Improvment.

Try typing this on word (Microsoft word etc.)

baby_dragonite July 17th, 2004 5:30 PM

oops
 
Sorry I wrote this chapter whay too late at night.I nearly fell asleep wihle writing it :laugh:

Abskull July 17th, 2004 7:50 PM

Hmmm... is that so? Try typing it earlier next time!:)

baby_dragonite July 21st, 2004 2:01 AM

sorry
 
Im really sorry to the people that enjoyed the first chapter but I wont be updating it any more.I just whant to write fic that has characters from the anime and suff first because I cant do a selfinsertation as my first fic.You might see it up again somtime or another but Im gonna start of easy.Sorry.:'( :'( :'(


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:03 AM.


Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2018 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2016 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.

Acknowledgements
Use of PokéCommunity Assets
vB Optimise by DragonByte Technologies Ltd © 2023.