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Beware though Lily (can I call you that?), following that tutorial will result in a negative 40 reputation in the end. XD |
XD lol. <Well, duh you can call me that, that's what everyone calls me anywayz. ^_^)
Hm, so you really give it? Can I say tomorrow, since I have an incredible amount of homework to be done in the dead of night? Don't blame me...I was lazy and procrastinated much today. OR if it can arranged through PM, then it would be much appreciated. Ooh thanks Frost! ^_~ And um, I don't care about those reputation points. All they do is make you look stylish. 8D |
I know I like it tomorrow better too. I procrasinated a bit as Frosty has once again failed the temptation of real life friends calling on the phone "hey want to play on the internet?" and here is Frosty having a physics test to study for, saying "SURE!" XD;; Ok let's study now >>;
I'll give it tomorrow and stick it in the FAQ section somewhere... and probably by late afternoon/evening it should be up, if homework isn't unusual in amount. |
I wrote a Poké-digi crossover fic called Power Revolutions.
I really would appreciate any criticism heres the URL http://pokepen.pokevillage.net/tpp.php?pokeball=fans/fanfics/cyberraichu/pr_ch1 |
I don't mind doing the tutorial. I've got hardly any homework and can get it up before frosty usually. But... yeah... I'll do it.
On another note - the fic overload is kinda getting out of control, I might have to go back to reviewing a couple every day instead of a load on certain days. Any more reviewers would be nice... although I'll probably end up reviewing them on top of the first one XD But I don't mind... after the gaming forums, I'm nearly always here. ^_^ |
If you guys are wondering, MCD's thread has been merged to the Basic Fanfic help thread that's stickied. I'm quite lazy today...
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Just posted Chapter 6 of my fanfic, A Hero Emerges. Once again, size has forced me to split the chapter into two posts.
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I guess it's high time. Chapter 9 of Pokemon Neo Destiny is complete. For those of you who haven't read it, give it a shot!!
I will forewarn you. It DOES include the characters from the Anime series. While that may seem to be a weakness, it is also a strength in this situation. The characters are teenagers now, and there is a new story. I will tell you right now that it is different from anything you've EVER seen in the series. Here's my little makeshift Ad for the Fan Fiction. Thousands of years ago, an evil Pokemon called Asmodia was sealed in the Hoenn Region. When the leader of Team Dark releases this creature, only one group stands between him and global destruction. Join Ash and his buddies as they seek out the Legendary Pokemon to stop this terrible threat. But, will the Legendary Pokemon be enough?? All I can say is, everything else was just practice... |
In case you haven't noticed, I have posted a new fic called And so it begins...
It is one of your average trainer fics and needs some constructive critiques! |
@ Ghostly Wings
-"6"... heh I wonder what that could mean? It can't be 6 different evolutions of a family... can it... -cliched name for a few of them... eeks. But I did like Sonority. The names also predicted the evolution right away, making a few paragraphs something that I just wanted to skim over and get over with. However, it's still a good attempt at foreshadowing. -the usage of "tumor" was the most terrible choice of wording ever in this fanfic... =/ Be watchful of diction, young lady. Tumor fits terribly to describe an emotion that plays such an important role in the story. -"brethen"'s connotation is once again, strongly against the connotation that you're looking for... Brethen is usually used to call someone in a fellow religious group, political group (especially communism) or the army. Family members are not brethens. -enlighten me on this one... I had no idea what's "Melos" possibly alluding to... -haha... just have to love the last 2 lines. Final Rating is... Grammar Basics: 9/10 Plot/Character Basics: 14/20 Tone/Diction: 12/20 Writing Skills: 14/20 Effort/Originality: 25/30 Lit. Device bonus: +4 (narrator's unreliability, foreshadow attempts) Total: 78 @ Dawn of a New Legacy -... coincidence or not? This setting reminds me... Dr.Fuji and Ai... -excellent choice for "pulse" in this chapter... loved it -watch for incomplete sentences... hope that you corrected this one yourself by now, as this is written awhile ago right? -oh I was looking forward to some more about Dorian... just sounded a bit incomplete with him suddenly gone, not confirmed if he's alive or dead. -overall, I think that diction is a lot better than Ghostly Wings... really I did. Final Rating is... Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: 16/20 Tone/Diction: 15/20 Writing Skills: 15/20 Effort/Originality: 24/30 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 78 (It's a terribly high mark already, especially during this time of the year... so don't complain) @ So Close Yet so Far Apart (ch.2 and 3) -changing narrative for no reason will result in MAJOR chaos... how am I suppose to know who's "I" out of nowhere? -"said" "said" "said" "said" "said" "said" err... that's... how many times did this boring verb get used continously now? -romance fanfic should *always* focus heavily on character emotions... feel rather rushed in terms of this department for a romance fanfic (notice how at the end the ratings are scaled differently too because of this special trait that romance fanfic shares) -not sure if using "obnoxious" will be slightly OOC for May... but whatever, as the next paragraph really brings May back on track -ack... I... seriously disliked highly explicit and direct stuff for emotion/romance fics... =/ -lesser "-ly" adverbs the better, as they're quite annoying and shallow in both denotation and connotation -err... corny lines alert? " “I don’t know Ash. The things you read were really private!” Final Rating is... Grammar Basics: 7/10 Plot/Character Basics: 14/20 Tone/Diction: 15/25 Writing Skills: 15/25 Effort/Originality: 15/20 Lit. Device bonus: +1 (possible symbolism, but it'll take a few more chapters to develop to earn the "marks" for it, if they aren't ditched away) Total: 67 |
To the review of Ghostly WIngs:
Tumor is a bad choice of word? o.o;;; I'm sorry, I hadn't realized that. And thank you for clarifying "brethren" I wasn't totally sure of what it meant. <<;; As to Dawn of a New Legacy....to answer your question about Dorian..*winks* He plays a MAJOR role in the story, so fear not. His disappearance ties in with the plot. |
Well, I'd just like to say congrats to LilyPichu, out newest FF Mod, if you didn't realise. BTW, can either Niko or Lileh resticky the guide that had it's name changed when Niko merged it? The rest of it (including my guide) is kinda important to n00bs.
Oh, and for those who've been wondering where I've been in accordance to FF, I've just had a busy weekend that's all. ^_^ W00T - 800th post! XD |
I'll try to change the name...XD
Edit: There. All done...XD |
Hi everyone.
First off, i'd just like to say, over the last week or so, i've gained a newfound respect for those of you who review fics. Frostweaver and Mr Cat Dog, i'm looking at you. (I apologize if I missed any other critics, i'm still sorta new here.) Anyways, i've taken it upon myself to do some reviews of my own, for the Pokemon Fanfics that come up on the IGN boards. [url removed - see Rule #1. Though this thread will not be closed] This is where they've started. Anyway, after experiencing firsthand the time and devotion that this kind of thing requires, well lets just say I appreciate you guys all that much more. Thank you for your time and effort. |
I wrote a one-shot called Valentine's Day. If anyone could be kind enough to read it, please? XD
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But... yeah - thanks for the positive comments, and we'll keep reviewing if the people here keep writing. ^_^ |
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But yeah, I'm here to review (no duh) although length can put me off a fic if it isn't first-class excelent. I have the attention span of a half-dead flea. <<; |
It's just I've seen some of the reviews you've given on SPPf, and they were pretty long XD So... I figured you'd do some pretty long ones here as well. ^_^ *hands Obsidian a head pump for her ego*
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is this a club or something? wat do i post bout
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Well... I suppose you could call this the FanFic Club, since it is kinda like one with the discussions we've been having. The main point of discussion is for people to advertise and review fics here. Occasionally, it does become like DCC in a way, but it's hasn't been like that for a couple of weeks now. ^_^
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*brings the lounge off topic immediately* Ok... Lily and MCD.. the two of you got engaged and nobody informed me? O.o;; Some brother you treat me as, Lily >>; *upset* Haven't been here so long now... so much to catch up >>; Rifts in Time, Reflection and all these new fanfics... so busy too... *panics* I'll find time to catch up with what's happening in fanfic lately soo enough though.
And what's better but a terribly terrifying review in a terribly ticked off mood because of a special engagement yet no one informed me... *thunders in background* @ Obsidian Dream -excellent title! Great usage of symbolism, and foreshadowing about the entire story's basic plot, and where the story is about to head to... great usage of diction. *nods* -the guidelines and prologue-like message is more of a killjoy and a lights up... >>; Best if that didnt' exist at all. Let the readers find out themselves. -watch those commas and periods... your most fatal grammatical mistake. Also there are many evidents that this fanfic is not checked with spellcheck *everyone gasps,* and that's just not something you should do... always use spellcheck to check for those "teh"s -gotta love a professor who isn't that stereotypical friendly old hag who does nothing but gives out starter Pokemon... rebellious main characters for a rebellious fanfic that's acting against the nature of "professors" -the usage of the quote is unique (personally, I don't have anything against it,) but still remember to do paragraphs within flashbacks too... that part was a little hard to read. Try the "one new paragraph for every new speaker" rule to help with the readability. -I... seriously got majorly confused by this... the part where Oak and Leon talk of "cliche" and Team Rocket's plan... if Leon took parts in putting a halt in TR's plan in the past, then certainly Leon will also know about what Oak means by "cliche." Or perhaps Leon is asking what is the defintion of a cliche, but then he used that word himself earlier... so this one is... result of careless planning, or lack of reading over your own work? -now seeing the ch.4 title, I certainly think that if the chapter title doesn't pack much significant importance to the story (or if it doesn't do anything special, such as foreshadowing, symbolism and so on), then I recommand you to just wipe out the chapter titles... "jumping the gun" doesn't really describe ch.3 that well at all except for physically, having a gun involved. Long titles are always annoying (ch.4)... -how did Kelsey let Leon+Oak escape like that is completely a mystery, almost to the point of a plot flaw... unless the description about Kelsey's intelligence and how she's cunning is a complete lie (which means that the narrator is just useless... 3rd person narrator is always neutral and should always be correct at all details.) -"Moltres rampage" isn't corny (as no ideas can ever be corny,) but when it's mentioned in this context, it's terribly corny and just makes the readers go "err..." A good way to fix these kind of things is to give them an official professional "cool" looking label/name for the event, such as "The Moltres Rampage" instead of a "Moltres rampage." Just make something sound official, and the corny rating will really drop... keep that in mind. But once you started something official, be sure to back it up eventually with great explanations and details, because anything official is also immediately important, and your readers will demand any details they can get their eyes on when official looking matter is the business at hand. -how did Pro.Oak get tied up, while Leon "is free" sounds like another almost plot flaw error... they did escape together, didn't they? So, that's very awkward again... -the title started off great in terms of diction, but then really all sense of diction kinda died off eventually... quite a shame really. Grammar Basics: 6/10 Plot/Character Basics: 13/20 Tone/Diction: 13/20 Writing Skills: 13/20 Effort/Originality: 24/30 Lit. Device bonus: +5 (the excellent title, for reasons listed already) Total: 74 (already, in a good range for a Frosty review) @ Valentine's Day <no review available, because I beta-read it already> Total: OMIT @ Pokemon Academy -title is a bit cliched, as I'm pretty sure that I've seen 2 other fanfic with this title already (one of them being a fanfic on how to write a fanfic and it was really neat... the other is a schoolfic just like this one) -font size should be the regular boring yet highly readable size 2 font... small font size does decrease your reader's interest in reading. Why read something that's red, and hard to read? o.o; -ok I'm never thrilled about "inactive descriptions" myself... It's nice that we see how the characters look like physically, but I hate how I get descriptions just thrown at me, without the characters (or anyone) doing anything. -as mentioned by the others already, there's a great deal of transition problem. Your 4th paragraph demonstrates this property. I tripled read that paragraph, and can hardly find conjunctions or transitional phrase to link things from one to another. -"I saw this door is open so I decided to come and visit." Corny alert? -the "(even the reader)" aside was rather weak and make the story worst than before... save asides for script-fics and dramas. Fictional narrative and asides do not match. -"... to let me come here!" Notice the exclaimation... this is a terrible diction as it changes the tone of the sentence to suddenly add a bit of excitement into the sentence. So, what's so exciting about talking about something that's upsetting to talk about? (as, the aside-attempt and the sigh tell me that this is supposed to be a painful memory). Gotta be careful about diction like this, as that tiny exclaimation mark just made Josh either completely insane due to some catastrophe, or a moron without a brain. -let's just call character description "non-existant" for this fanfic... physical description? yes... anything else? no... or it's as good as a no, as it contradicts itself anyway. Any implicit description then? Um... everyone is monotone and everyone has the "Everyone is nice in the exact same way, just like the Pokemon Jhoto season anime" syndrome? -grimer is attacking because...? (lack of transition, not that wild Pokemon attacking trainers is corny but the way it's described here...) Grammar Basics: 7/10 Plot/Character Basics: 10/20 Tone/Diction: 8/20 <= needs heavy work Writing Skills: 7/20 <= focus on transitions Effort/Originality: 22/30 Lit. Device bonus: +2 (aside-attempt) Total: 56 (harsh isn't it? Well, guess what, the minute you started reading a Frosty fanfic review... "Welcome to HE11") |
Erm... surprise!!! XD Anyways - welcome back for however long you're going to be back for, frosty. Better inform Lily of the news... *runs off to tell Lily* Is this arrangement going to be permanent, or is it just a flying visit?
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Oh... if I was actually on MSN the last few nights, Lily could have told me or something I guess... ^^; But then yesterday was away at 22sa's birthday party, and the day before I was just busy. Today too... with homework and stuff >>; So I'm afraid that this will be yet *another* night without MSN chat with all of you ;_; So yes tell Lily for me I suppose?
And most likely, I should be here for a while if things keep up like this, and if "stuff" don't come looking for me. @ Quest of the Calibra Princess -first fanfic I understand, but that doesn't stop Frosty from being equally mean and nasty -1st paragraph is um... a big list of lacking transition? Try to link ideas to one another with transitional phrases and words. Also, I personally find it much better if you add in some "actions" (the actions don't have to be gigantic like war or whatever, but even a simple verb that isn't "is" or "has" or "wear" is good enough, such as Eevee skipping around her or something) along with your physical character descriptions. It's always boring to read an endless list of description. -Now needless repetition of sentence structure can also be boring... the 1st paragraph contains a lot of "she is ______" or "her Eevee is ________." Try to use different sentence structure to make things less repetitive. -watch for grammar, but I don't find this to be a major problem yet -length... recommanded that a long epic-like fanfic should have around 1000 words for the first chapter (prologues can be much shorter though.) It's really a bummer when your reader just started to pick up the story in his or her reading mood, and the chapter ends already. -what's with the switch in tenses suddenly...? Be careful about tenses... (yes it's annoying as I always slip on this one myself) -now you can always describe mysterious figures... there are many ways to describe a person without giving out their identity. -try to have a new paragraph every time there's a new speaker, to help with readability. Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: OMIT/20 (too short to tell) Tone/Diction: OMIT/20 (again, too short to tell) Writing Skills: 7/20 <= focus on transitions, and usage of different sentence structures Effort/Originality: 23/30 Lit. Device bonus: -2 (heavy length problem) Total: 36/60, => 60/100 |
frostweaver... umm, you haven't done one of these for The Quest for the Legends, have you?
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*goes back to work on his projects* |
@ The Quest for the Legends (prologue up to ch.1)
-first of all, I'm pretty sure that I can transfer the title onto another fanfic, and no one will realize that I screwed around with the titles... this proves that this is either too cliched, or is too generic... try to define your titles a bit more to be more precise for *your* fanfic and *only* -slightly confusing regarding what's happening in the prologue, if the legendaries are dead or not... not to mention, there are more than 14 legendaries (assuming how Mew/Mewtwo are alive and 12 other legendaries are dead,) which is the most confusing thing of all. There are the 3 Regis, 3 birds, 3 beasts, Mew/Mewtwo, Celebi/Jirachi, Ho-oh/lugia, Latios/Latias, and Deoxys, which totals to a huge number, more than 14... There are 18 in total, and even if you cut out Mewtwo/Deoxys from the legendary list (as they're rather "man-made" if you like to call it that way), the number just doesn't work out... -now for the Extra, I can certainly find ways to insert in these "extra info" somewhere... the picture if the only thing that I can't fit in, really. -some of the "extras" don't need to exist at all... the color thing is really common sense and is expected to be found on fanfics anyway (I always have an internet tab open that defines all colors to help me read fanfics myself). -in my humble opinion, the extra revealed too much already... (therefore, the foreshadow failed, as it's overdone) -now didn't the narrator just say that NW-Ouen got no Pokemon, and that the adults aren't into Pokemon at all (having "real jobs" instead)? If so... how come the school got Pokemon lessons? Kinda strange... Perhaps I missed a paragraph or something, but the whole thing about NW-Ouen and no-Pokemon thing is confusing me... -excellent usage of tone for Mark! An obvious sign that implicit character description is at work. -fanfic is highly readable, as grammar mistakes do not exist at all. Paragraphing is also done very nicely, and best of all, there's actually more writers who uses "cut-lines" to divide their fanfic into sections, so hurray! Grammar Basics: 10/10 (there is like... 1?) Plot/Character Basics: 17/20 (brilliant job on Mark) Tone/Diction: 17/20 (again, Mark's tone) Writing Skills: 14/20 (it's the extra... =/ ) Effort/Originality: 25/30 Lit. Device bonus: -3 (failed foreshadowing that resulted in reverse effects) Total: 80 |
Some sister you treat me as not informing me that YOU CAME BACK. *glomps and clings* Now never go or else all these fics will die by the lack of Frosty's review. And yes, I got engaged to the other reviewer, sorry if I didn't tell you BUT you *weren't* online yesterday OR the day before. ;_; Ah well, at least you're back! ^_^
And make sure to review my ficcy...that'll be all...:P |
Yep, the title. Horribleness of doom, isn't it? I started writing this fic sometime in 2001, with that out-of-the-blue title (at the time) and I'm physically incapable of changing things like titles, even though the story itself has been majorly changed throughout these seven revisions. I don't know why, I just can't seem to be able to just make a proper title and stick it on instead. I'm too used to this one.
Ah, I see the number of Legendaries confused you, but actually, the other dead Legendaries are not the ones we know. They don't matter either; the only ones that matter are Mew, Mewtwo and Chalenor. You saw the 999 years later at the start of chapter one, right? The twelve Legendaries from the prologue died there, and therefore I hoped the reader would assume that they had to be other Legendaries than the ones we know a thousand years later, but I see now that it is confusing... ah, well, the eighth revision fixes that. ;) You forgot Groudon, Kyogre and Rayquaza from the list of current Legendaries, by the way. You don't know that either, but the information of Extra I could not have been told through the story itself, simply because nobody knows it. Mark doesn't know it, and nobody who could tell him knows. Besides that the extras contain only information that is not essential for the reader to understand the story (that's why they're called Extras), so it would be a pointless part if it actually were in there. It's just fun knowledge that could give some plot hints (I assure you that nobody would pick up Chalenor's green as anything relevant if I didn't point out that the colors change depending on his mood). Come to think of it, though, I could leave all the stuff about his powers out, because that *is* going to be implemented into the fic. Ah, well, next revision. No, screw that. I'll just change it now. You're right, it is wrecking the foreshadowing. *edits* The schools have Pokémon lessons because all schools in the Pokémon world have Pokémon lessons, North-West Ouen or not. It's technically all the same country, and they have the same educational laws, which include that all children must learn x, y and z about Pokémon, whether the parents like it or not. Besides that most of the kids do go on a Pokémon journey, as mentioned in chapter one. Thanks for the review! ^_^ I love reviews. Best of all, you said things nobody's told me before. Are you going to review the rest too? |
Yes I will... just not today >>; enough fanfics for today. Gotta work on other stuff and to chat with Lily too ^^
Now the legendaries... it's hard to assume that it's original legendaries when Mew/Mewtwo got associated with them. Plus, another plotflaw that I just found that seemed rather VERY crucial (would have resulted in plot mark going down by 1 or something XD but I'll just say that you lucked out). Now if Ash Ketchum got mentioned as a living being 999 years after that event, and Mewtwo's created during Ash Ketchum's time, then how did Mewtwo appear all those years ago...? Better way to fix this is not to mention the 999 years thing (for no one is suppose to know that, right?), and save that fact until much later. It saves the trouble, saves the confusing things for your readers regarding time contradiction (even if the story is meant to turn out this way, such as Mewtwo went back in time via time travel or whatever). Tomorrow, I'll see... Certainly first on priority list is Lily's newest fanfic *cheers*, and another chapter of it... I'll see if I can do 2. |
I guess I shouldn't say anything more than that the Mewtwo being there before his own creation thing matters... (probably too much said already)
Being exactly 999 years later matters too, though, so I can't take that out. I've thought of a way to solve the number of Legendaries in the prologue, though... |
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And of course, a good way to escape that Mewtwo thing is just to give even lesser known details about it ;p More mysterious the better. It's hard to be criticized, and it increases the mystery rating XD |
Well, that's kinda the only place where the main story really "connects" to the time of the prologue. There is one other place where it's explained better and there could be an opportunity to do it, but I just like having that 999 there for some reason.
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@ Reflections
-Yay lookie! It's a Lily production la~ *biased point + 100* XD -good usage of rhetorical question to begin the story, with good follow-up of juxtaposition for the contrast between two characters -maroon... excellent diction! Another out of the many cases where Lily has, once again, chose a word so precise in its definition. -um... on the other hand, beige is acting against the atmosphere >>; It somewhat works I guess, but it's kind of stretching the definition, being too implicit even for an implicit idea behind that color. -once again, watch for those confusing stupid tenses... especially past tense used in the same sentence as "now." It confuses me too, but I don't think the word "now" and a past tense can really co-exist without calling it a grammar flaw. -some incomplete/run-on sentences here and there occassionally... -ooh... "virtuous"... foreshadow... ooo... -how come suddenly Hannah grew interested? You got this stacked up boredom and annoyance within Hannah, and now suddenly she's interested in Ash? Even if that sentence is acting like a satire, it acts against Hannah's tone... -now I also read the (unfortunately only) two comments, and I personally don't regard any of Ash's lines being "awkward." Truthful to say that they're meant to be awkward on purpose, and awkward/grammatically incorrect lines within a conversation is certainly acceptable. It contributes to part of Ash's tone, and part of Ash's diction. In fact really, a lot of Ash's actions are quite strange to begin with, so I have no problem to see that Ash reacts equally awkward. In fact, it's quite nice to see that Ash is so consistent throughout the oneshot. -with the most problematic error of the entire fanfic being grammar (which is usually others' strong points), this short story is simple in plot, yet highly complicated at a deeper level. I was rather surprised when someone said that this story was simple... I had to reread it too many times to figure out the significance of all those motifs (there are like, 5 of them? Took me an insane amount of time to find all 5's significance). Great usage of various writing techniques, ranging from juxtaposition, rhetorical questions, motifs and repetitions, tone, symbolism, and foreshadowing as implicit means to enhance the story. Setting and plot are not the most original, yet the unique and new writing style has bought this common plot idea into a new light. Grammar Basics: 8/10 Characters: 19/20 (plot omitted, as it's unimportant and irrelevant for this fanfic) Tone/Diction: 18/20 Writing Skills: 18/20 Effort/Originality: 25/30 Lit. Device bonus: +7 (juxtaposition, rhetorical questions, motifs and repetitions, tone, symbolism, and foreshadowing, one +1 for each... hmm I wonder if people even know what do some of these devices mean?) PS: Really the Lit. Device bonus will be more if I am to find all of this in another writer's fanfic but if I give anymore, it'll be over 100% >>;; I've never found that many lit.device in action in a fanfic before. Total: 95 Definitely a fanfic of the week material... would be a shame if it didn't make it. |
SBaby here! Many of you have been keeping up with my Fic, Neo Destiny. I just wanted to update you . Chapter 21 is now complete, and Ash is finally up to the first true battle with Asmodia. For those of you who haven't read it yet, give it a go! Those of you who have kept up with it, check back often.
Once ND is finished, don't miss my next FanFic, Origin of the New Elite, detailing how Chezni and the other Elites got to the Pokemon World. The story is insane!! |
@ The Quest for the Legends (Extra 2, chapter 2)
-now this extra 2 I don't mind too much... because it's really explaining game basics (IV, EV and etc). This one I don't mind as it doesn't affect the plot at all and is truly some basic background information. -hmm... personally I'm still not all that convinced regarding why Mark's mother will change so rapidly, to the point of "all for it." -a bit of run-on sentences here and there... watch out for that -the people in the elevator... kinda weird, but I'll keep them in mind in case of them being important (which is hopefully what I'll be seeing soon). Also a bit awkward regarding why Mark suddenly feel the urge to go to floor 3 instead... hmm. -hmm I'm personally not too thrilled or excited about how the book lists out all those legendaries in this manner, but that maybe just me... -now diction continues to be quite problematic here... I'm very sure that a book can do better than "it blows up." Narratives in books have that neutral stance, and that informative yet "inorganic" tone to them. It's like reading a newspaper when you're reading books like that. It will not use such terminologies that are almost classified as slangs. And then, some of the diction just sounded awkward too... -not too much to comment on overall, as this is mostly more background information about the legendaries, and not about the mainstream plot. Focusing on background information, there aren't that much to say really... not like you can use much lit.device either in such circumstances. The only real thing to comment on is the plot outline regarding the legendaries, and rating such a thing is rather difficult to do without being biased regarding personal tastes and favorites =/ -tone within a conversation is very well done, but tone/diction also exists within the narratives, which is an area you should try to work on Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot Basics: 8/10 (character is omitted because this chapter is a background info chapter, and it won't be fair to judge characters this time) Tone/Diction: 15/20 Writing Skills: 16/20 Effort/Originality: 26/30 Lit. Device bonus: +2 (somewhat allusions here and there about the legendaries...) Total: 75/90, => 83 @ Whisper of Death -by default, grammar mistakes as always... but I know that English isn't your 1st language, nor is it your best... I understand (but the "review mark" will still reflect the poor grammar... just for fairness's sake to the other writers) -showdown...? I think you mean shadows... I think... -now regarding the term "Pokemon," I disagree with MCD here. Since pokemon/Pokemon is an invented word, no one but Satoshi himself can say that Pokemon is to be a proper noun, or just a normal noun. I personally treat it as a normal noun, like how the word "animal" is treated. So I have no problem wiht that myself. But the species of Pokemon, yes they have to be capitalized. -as mentioned, the suicide-threat section should be stressed upon, as it is possibly one of your many climaxes, and should last a little longer... -ack... lacking in time to re-read again to work out some confusions that I have with the plot... I'll drop the "marks" later tonight... -ok resume in fanfic... *has to re-read this over and over and over again* -now part of the reason for the confusions are that you started many possible important hints here and there, yet I can never pick up the finishing lines... For example, the hypno scene with the 2 doctors suggest that Erick seems to be blind (however, it's rather questionable if he lost his physical sight, his mind's eye, or both... story actually didn't reveal enough for me to tell. The next section suggests the mind's eyes, while the fact about seeing shapes suggests the physical eye that's being lost... so I don't know there.) The doctors complain that he didn't lost "much," while the others lost some "more crucial abilities." Erick is described as selfish and rather disagreeable according to the doctors, so I'm left wondering why... and so on. But then, the story really never picks up on this question again. The thing about Erick's selfishness disappeared. -"the birds" are clear symbolisms of something but once again as the way it appears in the sentence, it clearly plays some important role for Erick, and is responsible for the calling of the silence, and coming for the Pokemon. I failed to see what it is... o.o; anyone want to clarify for me? -sorry but I couldn't tell who the shadowy figure is... afterall, there's plenty of things from history/myth/religion/truth (whichever term appeals to your and your religious beliefs the most) out there that takes this role... so nothing for certain... I personally interpret as Death itself, but this ending is so flexible that it's probably wrong... (if this story even has an ending) -Overall, a terribly confusing fanfic to understand... and really I still don't understand it that well. There are many good qualities that got started, but sadly they are never picked up again. I personally believe that some of these errors are products of improper grammar, and for that one the only way to fix it is to keep writing and keep listening to fixes. Even though the story is hard to understand, I can still see that you're trying very hard to meet up with all these advanced requirements in my standards, such as seeing many MANY attempts at literature devices throughout the entire fanfic. Character and plot are equally confusing, but I can still pick out where it's heading though. Though it's probably the most confusing fanfic within PC that's beyond understanding, I actually rather appreciate the bravery to try to write a heavy angst-thematic fanfiction, unlike the good old ordinary "for entertaining purposes only" fanfic that got nothing but plot and characters. Keep trying, Blue! (note: marks and ratings are re-adjusted in order to suit the genre and style for this specific work that's different from most other standard adventure fanfics) Grammar Basics: 5/10 Character/Plot Basics: 7/10 Tone/Diction: 15/25 Writing Skills: 15/25 Effort/Originality: 31/30 (effort bonus +1) Lit. Device bonus: +4 (repetition, motif, symbolism attempt, flashback, narrative changes) Total: 77 |
Chapter two is probably my worst, unless it's chapter four. They're both just there to give necessary background information, and while chapter two has probably more interesting information, it comes from a book and there's one heck of a lot more of it... well, at least it's not like the original, which listed their moves, stats and types, and then had Mark saying "Hmm, interesting" or something like that after each one. x_X And it's still a book, which I can't find a way to get rid of without losing out a lot of details. I'll try to improve the "book-ness" of it...
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No reviews today... nothing really caught my attention. So I used the time and whipped out a quick guide to Prologue Writing, within the "Basic Pokemon Fanfiction Writing Guide." Check it out for all those new fanfic writers, and if you have the spare time to do so.
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@ Quest of the Calibra Princess (ch.3)
-paragraphing... it's really hard to read right now. Insert a blank line when you're starting a new paragraph. -this entire chapter is pretty much conversation spam, and that's just not good... it's very repetitive, and it's not very interesting to reach so much dialogues when it's not necessary. Try to cut something out, and add more descriptions to characters/settings. -the way how Miss Kara reveals all these things... just rather not that interesting -an awfully calm response about such a crushing fact... character emotion section should be worked on a lot more -for a turning point of a story, this seems to suffer quite a bit of length problems... -Overall, just a lot of work is needed in every area possible O.o; Grammar Basics: 9/10 Plot/Character Basics: 9/20 <= "characters? what?" Tone/Diction: 7/20 <= close to not in existence... >>; Writing Skills: 8/20 <= focus on DESCRIPTIONS, and no need to SPAM dialogues Effort/Originality: 23/30 Lit. Device bonus: -2 (heavy length problem, again) Total: 54 |
@ Quest of the Legends (ch. 3, extra 3)
-when Charmander is explaining his past... that part can be made longer, or more tone-emphasized... -Eevee again... -_-; These things are absolutely everywhere. But it's alright... just wanted to rant a little about it. -the Agreement extra was a bit odd... I personally didn't like it too much as it puts a COMPLETEL halt to the story, but whatever -for the extra 3, you probably should have stayed away from using "I" back there... really strange and annoying to see that -(don't know how to give marks for this one... relatively short, not that much happening and etc) |
@ Raven, Mechyena Saga
-everyone just have to love the beginning... angsty, interesting and it's an excellent use of shifting back and forth with the narrative. Conveys some great character trait too. -err... I believe you need "had been hiding" instead of "hidden" there... so a little grammar error but meh... there's also some other grammar errors in terms of possessive pronouns went missing XD; But no big deal, as it didn't affect readability at all -"every enemy has attacks" got some awkward diction there... O.o; also it clashes a bit with the tone and style of the previous mental notes -harsh white lights... excellent diction along with foreshadowing -doesn't the accent for Pokemon go "é" instead? lol... but no matter -if you used mum to start off, then keep it as mum and don't go back to "mother." Mother is so much colder in comparison to mum/mom. So it's a contradiction in terms of your tone... "father" was done nicely though. It shows the terrible relationship. -the forest-city comparison was rather awkwardly worded... -now another diction-contradiction... "this is the start of my life" should have been done in italics, like the lines back at the beginning of the story. Generally, the ending isn't as good as the beginning, as mostly diction contradictions leap around here and there. In comparison, the sentence structure isn't as beautiful as the beginning too. -Now I actually liked the italic part (save for that one line, which I mentioned already.) So what if it's "corny?" These "corny beliefs" are part of the character, enforced on to her by her father. It's not the writer's fault if the characters got corny beliefs. So in my opinion, don't worry about it. -spell checker cannot do everything... they pick out some very basic stuff. They do pick out spelling mistakes like "teh" and so on, but they can't pick out misuse of words. All it checks for is "hmm... does this sentence have a verb? Does it have a noun? Does the preposition fit? Does the verb agree with the noun?" That's all it does. Also, MSWord has a strong hatred for passive voice for some reason too... -I'll do ch.2 another day... it's midnight already ^^; Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: 19/20 Tone/Diction: 15/20 Writing Skills: 16/20 Effort/Originality: 25/30 Lit. Device bonus: +1 (foreshadow) Total: 84 (And now, it is proven that this fanfic is indeed and certainly worthy of Fanfic of the Week... as all FotW work always scores a minimum of 80 or above on Frosty's marking scale.) EDIT: Oh whatever let's do chapter 2 as well ^^ (ch.2) -now I don't like it too... just like you. It's not as good as the first chapter. The mud and the bog are all "filler-plot." Yes they're interesting and they contribute to the plot, but in the long run, this event is rather unimportant and irrelevant. Raven's father is mentioned here, but it was rather extremely weak. In Frosty's humble opinion, this scene was an excellent opportunity to reinforce what chapter 1 has started: Raven and her father. You could have reinforced the part about how Raven was reminded of her father when she was drowning in the bog. When she felt defeated (or weak, whatever), you can add in direct quotes from chapter 1 about how Raven's incompetent to her father's eyes (feel free to add in more lines for Raven's father in chapter 1 if necessary.) Let those stuff remind her how she cannot be looked down upon like that forever (similar to what you've done later in the chapter, when she just woke up after going out cold), giving her strength to get out of the bog and so on... The upside to this is that it adds motifs and symbolism at the same time (mud/bog = father, and father's quotes now being motifs). The downside is that this is adding more angst... -now Raven's memory of her mom... (same thing like last time, diction of mom vs mother.) This part can also be abused to show the weaker, softer side of Raven. -"that's it" means "that is it." You need "that was it" though. This means a tense problem. Watch out for these kind of things which MSWord cannot pick out. -I thought that Raven defeating her father would be much lengthier than this... It was such a controversial and important scene too... ._.; Oh well. A *lot* can be done there... right now it isn't bad, but I'm just saying how that scene got huge potential to make the story even better. Another possibility is to just cut off this chapter at Raven's realization that one of those hunters is her father, for a cliffhanger effect. Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: 16/20 Tone/Diction: 15/20 Writing Skills: 15/20 Effort/Originality: 25/30 Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback) Total: 80 EDIT #2: Still too tired and depressed to sleep... let's just keep reading. @ Pocket Monsters Chronicles -an overused title... is never the best thing. However, seems like the title is not something that can be changed due to its sentimental value... ok let's move on then. This is THE reason why this fanfic failed at fanfiction.net. Fanfiction.net requires an extremely creative title, along with an excellent 3 line summary. (that's why forums beat fanfiction.net in this category, but fanfiction.net got the best readability due to the way it's setup in comparison to a forum.) -not a criticism, but a comment: I never believe in promises about "this is no ordinary OT fanfic people, so please keep reading." A fanfic can start OT yet remain interesting, because the writing style will show by itself. If you're really good at your writing, you don't need crummy sayings like that, and your readers will automatically be hooked. -lol... I'm not afraid to review. I'm just afraid that you may die because of my reviews XD -now I prefer those cultural notes placed at the end of an act. Even though that may not sound logical at first, it does prevent the spoilers that's given due to the cultural notes. Before I even read, I already know part of what's to come, and can probably guess the setting accurately. Personally, I prefer the cultural notes to come after, at the end of an act. -just a quick note: "chapters" do not exist for a scripts. It's an "act." (a "FYI") haha... someone who challenges the extreme difficulty of a scriptfic... this I must see. -scripts do not require " " punctuation, for everything is expected to be dialogues anyway. -the narrator speaks, and a narration cannot. -the "character info spam" wasn't that nice... I didn't really like it. The tone didn't fit too well with the opening lines of "o pass the time, I've decided to chronicle my recent events, all the interesting things that have occured with me lately." Those lines build up angst, and readers suddenly expect something serious coming, and then we suddenly get blood types and year of the setting? -YES! Finally someone who knows the proper way on how to write settings in a scriptfic! *pat* -in a script format fanfic, the name of the speakers have to remain consistent. You started off with "narration," and you can't change "narration" to "Hiro (narration)" suddenly like that... -Hiro is talking about his past, so it should read "but that class WAS..." There are other similiar mistakes too. -hehe... the only time and place where character description can be spammed like that... well done on Chris and Hiro's sisters. However, I wasn't exactly too happy to see that only Chris and Sakura really made an appearance in this act. Perhaps you can save the descriptions about the other sisters when they make an appearance in future acts. -*reads the poll* well I'm not a SPP member so can't vote there... but I personally don't mind the manga/anime qualities in this fanfic. It adds to the originality, and it contributes to your own person writing style as well. -Great amount of effort is shown through the realistic descriptions of life in Japan, along with accurate and detailed background information provided. Format is interesting, and writing style is rather original. Though slightly lacking in terms of plot while the speed of the act was rather slow, this is a good act nevertheless, and is a good start for what seems to be a promising scriptfic. -notice: marking system changed due to the fact that this is a script-fic. Also, marks are given out a bit easier in comparison to the narrative-fanfics, because you can't possibly earn lit.device bonus in a scriptfic. Grammar Basics: 9/10 Plot/Character Basics: 8/10, omit/10 (plot omitted for this act) Tone: 12/15 Stage Directions: 8/10 Camera Setting: 4/5 Writing Skills: 17/20 Effort/Originality: 18/20 Total: 76/90, => 84/100 |
O.O
Wow! 84 and 80?! *is on the edge of fainting* I'm going to have to go back and work on chapter two now, what with that high score AND being Fanfiction of the week. I'm amazed... Also, your mention of diction and the italic text at the beginning of chapter one has given me some ideas for the end. It was originally meant to be reserved for her father's battle comments, but I think that can be changed. Quote:
Ah, I'll shut up before I confuse myself. Thanks for the review, frostweaver! |
thanks a lot for the review, Frostweaver, but let me explain a few things.
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Anyway, thanks a lot for giving such a well-done review, definitely the best review I've gotten ever since I began writing PMC. I'll admit, other reviewers have been much nicer, but I'm not looking for nice, I'm looking for details, I'm looking for criticism, and you failed to disappoint with that. And through it all, I got an 84/100 (though, actually a little more considering you add one ninth of 76, adding 8 would be a ninth of 72, but I can't blame you for rounding off). [Holds up fingers in "V for Victory"] Heh, not bad despite the bias towards both scripts and trainer fics. |
-there's actually a LOT of "___ chronicles" out there, especially "<name of trainer>'s chronicles" or "<name of a legendary, mainly Lugia>'s chronicles" out there. As for the Pocket Monster thing... lol I'll keep an eye out for Monster ball then. I personally don't mind it, but it's certainly worth pointing out. When you're posting on a forum, the first impression of a reader about your fanfic is the title, and if you want more readers, you will want an eye-catching title.
-don't confuse OT with "bad OT." I've read 2 very brilliant (sadly unfinished) work in OT. Both of them involves the ordinary new trainer getting a new Pokemon going through gyms, however, they still manage to be excellent OTs. One of them got a new idea about females (the setting was in the past) are forbidden to be trainers and the main character is forced to take the place of a trainer as a female despite how she didn't dare to go against the laws (due to certain reasons and events, she had to be a trainer and so on, which I won't talk about here) which was very interesting. The other one involves a guy who cannot get a starter from the professor due to certain reasons, and in the end took a Pokeball from a dead body as his "starter" Pokemon. They're all highly original, and both of them can immediately hook a reader into reading this "OT." So as you see, promises are really not necessary... I suppose that some are biased, but for my case, I've definitely seen some very well done OTs (or OT-satires XD) -now a lot of your points are related to how this is originally a doujinshi, converted to a narrative fanfic, and then finally to the scriptfic it is now on PC. Yes I do understand that, however, that doesn't mean everything can be transferred over directly, even if all of them are similar. Those 3 objects got their own way of things which are unique to themselves. You're in colledge and will certainly experience this already... Write a history paper in the format of an English essay, and see if that works out. It really doesn't... somethings are just unique to that certain format, like how narratives emphasizes descriptions, while doujinshis and scriptfics do not, and etc. -narrator is the speaker who talks directly to the readers. Narration are the things that a narrator says. This is again, something different between different styles. It's like how in math a "ray" is different from the normal english definition of a "ray," and a "ray" in science is certainly different from both math and english. -regarding the punctuation, you can just keep using the brackets like the way you are now for stage directions. That is actually the proper format for it. All brackets inside a script is meant to be a stage direction. -actually I can kind of get where you got the thing about Hiro's sisters. I can easily imagine this as another carry-over from the doujinshi version. Now when you're reading/viewing pictures (anime or doujinshi), things fly through a lot faster, so that's why character profiles like this are ok. It really doesn't take that much time for your viewers/readers to absorb the info. However, when it gets to words, your reader will probably take at least 4 times the time required to absorb the same amount of info, because words can't work its way as quickly as pictures can. This time delay is what makes this acceptable on a doujinshi, but not that good on paper and in words. This is also the reasoning for why this act seems to be progressively slow too. This pace will be completely alright for a doujinshi, but when it comes to words, it is 4x slower, making it lag a little bit. Personally I don't mind it as it's still acceptable to me, but *many* other reviewers emphasizes the speed of the plot as an important element in a story. -hmm I don't find any problems with Hiro being 2D really... I thought that he was just fine. -Oh I was never a nice person to begin with. I'm THE member with the lowest reputation in comparison to everyone else who joined at the same time as me. ^_^ Too many red blocks XD In team rates for the game section or fanfic reviews, I'm just as brutal and cruel. So sick and tired of "review spam" that says nothing but "oh great job keep writing" or things like that... I'll let all the other people say those nice stuff, while I myself says the ugly. -lol... 80+ mark in my book is already a very good fanfic that's worth reading, while a 90+ is just heavenly. XD I mark *hard* and you better believe it. =) *points at all of his older reviews that score 60s, and some even 50s, and they only got 50 because the effort/originality section saved their butt... ha!* Anyway... a review now. @ Life of a Trainer (ch.1) -once again, not the most original title... that can be problematic in terms of attracting readers' attention. -again, just like for PMC, I never believe in promises... if your writing skill is good, it will show, OT or not. Also, don't expect an equally good review just because other reviewers have given you a good mark. I *AM* cruel, and you better keep that in mind. -excellent promising dictions are shown in the first sentence of the prologue... certainly well chosen and well done. -some punctuation problems that should have been caught by MSWord (it was a misuse of commas and periods...) hmm don't know what happened there. -now the red robe clashes with the chair and the pyjama/slipper setting... a bit of a contradiction in terms of diction here. -"was quite huge" got some awkward wording... and the "mind you" afterward isn't really that good to me. I never liked the narrator talking to the reviewers like that unless it's crucial, or is important for the development of the plot. -now I tried to reread the paragraph over and over again to figure out what you're trying to say, but I just fail to pick up anything special about this line: " It had golden statues of rare Pokémon and some golden Rhydon statues." It is definitely important somehow, due to the careful sentence structure... Mind if you explain this one for me? Sorry but I am a bit too stupid to get this one... ._.; -now when professor Oak starts talking to "someone"... that part... eww. I really didn't like how he is talking to "someone" when there is "no one" there in this particular tone... It really clashes with the atmospheres that you've established earlier in the prologue. -"I made a darn good story here" again clashes with the character traits that you've contributed to the professor earlier. This isn't a blue-trait... -Not really a problem, but it is just a bit strange to me how the story is described to be so old, yet we have our heroes from the anime still being so youthful. I'll have to see the future chapters to decide rather or not this is ok or not. -Not much to say... it's not a very revealing prologue, and it gives the story a slow paced start. Though dictions are generally ok, the occassional diction contradictions really take away a lot from the story, especially since there is nothing much about the prologue except for these dictions to look for. Sentence structure for some sentences is so awkward, and it doesn't seem to be on purpose too unlike the first beginnig sentence. I'll admit that this mark is rather inaccurate. There's just not enough things to give marks for. Grammar Basics: 7/10 Plot/Character Basics: OMIT/20 Tone/Diction: 13/20 Writing Skills: 13/20 Effort/Originality: 23/30 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 56/80, => 70/100 |
I may be in college, but I'm not in history nor English at the moment. This semester all I'm taking is Japanese 1 and... [shudders]... human anatomy...
Anyway, I can see a lot of the problems stem from the descriptions trying to make this seem like a doujinshi, however, I intend to keep those no matter what. For one thing, I'm too used to the notion that this was originally a manga to describe it in any other way. Secondly, I didn't really approve of most of what I wrote when I did the narrative. Quite often, I'd find I was just writing characters passing lines back and forth between eachother, and I ran out of any synonyms to 'he/she said' during most of those. Besides, I'd still describe things as if the reader was looking at a manga. The only reason I was doing a narrative in the first place was because Serebii wouldn't allow them, and it's not until later that I find out that they are indeed allowed so long as they're good. If I had my facts straight from the start, I would have always wrote in a script format because, well, script just seem like the best way to describe manga in writing, and about the only way I can get it even more manga-like in detail would be if I actually list out pages and panels, sound FX, etc., but doing that would take forever. I realize the harsh truth that what I'm doing isn't a manga, and the only way it actually would be is if me or my brother drew it and were able to scan it, which we're not (as I said, we couldn't get a scanner to work, and I don't have great artistic abilities anyway and I think my brother's just plain lazy by now). However, I'm still trying to make it as manga-like as possible, even though it's written, because that's simply what I see PMC was always intended for. I didn't like most of my own writing when PMC was a narrative, and if the author itself wouldn't approve, then obviously it wouldn't be fit for such a format. Now that it's in a script format, though, I like my own writing much better because it's several times closer to the originally-intended format. Plus, writing the way I do also gives me the added bonus of seeming more, well, unique from other writers. Anyway, I'm curious, what fics (or single chapters) have you reviewed thus far that would be in this 90s range you speak of? Oh, one last thing, I went and editted my chapter so the name notes are before the chapter, but the cultural notes are at the bottom of the post. |
Heh, Eevee. The two things kept absolutely intact from the very first version are the title and the Pokémon caught, and both are distinctively clichéd compared to most of the rest. But unlike the title, they won't ever be changed, because I love my characters. *hugs... ahem, certain character from chapter ten*
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Well... I only did the rating thing rather recently... only Reflections really got a 90+ However, there are some other Pokemon fanfics worth reading...
-Reflections -Forgiving Tears Both of them are on PC, by our dearest mod LilyPichu ^^ Both of them are extremely deep, with well usage of various literatary devices to help the story. Rather simple at first glance, but re-read it over a *several* times and you'll see that the *actual *meaning of the story is very deep and well thought out. -Anything by Brian on ffnet is good... but then too bad his account magically disappeared and I can't find any of his work ;_; All of those Pokemon romance stories are lovely... all of them! All 40 of them! -Farla's "Ice" on ffnet is also good... it is probably even better if I'm a more hardcore Pokemon fanfic reviewer, long enough to know what that story is alluding to O.o; It's suppose to be related to another fanfic according to some others' reviews of that story, but I don't know what or where it is... >>; -"Against the Rules, Against the Odds" and "Tangled Webs" (both on ffnet) are 2 OTs which the most unique start ever... worth reading just to see how some OT fanfic can be so creative. -"Pokemon MASTER" by good old Acey... plot = heavenly... also the first dark Pokemon fanfic in existence. He was the one who started the entire trend 6 years ago. |
Oh god, FARLA got mentioned here. Even though I never read it, someone told me that her Pokemon Revolution story put fighting types in a bad light (they were kileld just because they obeyed humans). Oh yes, she's SUCH a Pokemon lover to have a bias against a single type. Plus she has, like, 90 + short stories of what appears to be angst. Sorry, I just get tired of seeing people on ff.net go "Farla is the queen of Pokemon fics!" and "This poem about the legendary birds being abused is dedicated to Farla!" Anyone who loves canine pokes and hates fighters is my enemy, no questions asked.
Hrm... should I re-post my main fic, "Guilty by Design"? It was fanfic of the week before. |
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Guilty by Design...? I've never read it yet... >>; (And certainly glad to see you again Iveechan ^^; ) |
Yeah, glad to see you too :D. Even though I acted indifferent in your farewell thread, I was peeved because, even if we don't agree on a lot of stuff, I still respect you. I'll probably think on it for awhile, read over it 5 million times for errors, then re-post it.
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Then again, yes I am back, but it probably won't be too long before someone gives me a ban due to the things inside the gameboy strategy forum XD But then, no regrets at all if I did get ban from that. ^^ Yes indeed we've argued against each other more than agreeing on something (if we've ever agreed on something XD). But still, at least you aren't mindlessly argueing? ^^; And I'll certainly look forward to your story to review too *evil grin* |
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Hey everyone, I've just uploaded the 8th chapter, part 1 of my story, A Hero Emerges. It's quite long so I've had to break it into three posts. I apologise for the delay, but university work is really starting to catch up to me. Anyways, all reviews are welcome and appreciated.
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Well, I can't help having a bit of disrespect for Farla, not because of the fics she writes, but because she spends her time making fun of fanfics in her LiveJournal (without actually reviewing them). She has a point in many of the things she says there, but I just can't possibly find it fair to pick apart a fanfic for not following the games well enough. She picks apart fanfics for implying that Numel is slow without having looked at its Speed stat, not making shiny Pokémon sparkle and making Smog work like Smokescreen, all with this kind of "obviously-everybody-will-agree-with-me" attitude. And a lot of it happens only in her LiveJournal to make fun of the authors (and the reviewers who liked the fic, because she tends to mention them too).
But meh... she's a good writer. Just very disrespectful... As a side note, I've put up chapter twelve of The Quest for the Legends. |
@ Quest for the Legends (ch. 4)
-grammatical mistakes again... but then I can pretty much say that for any fanfic but Road to Palantria -can always rework some sentence structure just a little, so that you don't have those boring "nothing but physical description" sentences... I don't like them myself. -err... the whole big convo about Rick is rather... annoying. There's so much conversations, and not really are they that necessary. -eeks... nothing much to say. It's rather short and stuff... but then Rick having legendaries... personally I don't like that idea, but nothing is wrong with it for a fanfic though. Just that personally I don't... like it. -weird diction... Charmander being alluded to a ghost? Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: OMIT/20 Tone/Diction: 13/20 Writing Skills: 13/20 Effort/Originality: 23/30 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 57/80, => 71/100 |
Meh, told you chapter two and four were my worst... the ghost thing came from the fact that Charmander had been following him around without actually doing anything, like he had no will of his own and was just like a spirit trailing after him... meh, it was just some weird thought when I was writing that end. Chapter five is WAY better.
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@ Raven- Mechyena Saga (ch. 2b)
-awkward diction: "blanket of clouds... cold too..." Obviously, cold + blanket = contradiction. Have to watch out. -grammar mistakes occassionally... again. But little stuff like that... meh -err... talking Pokemon... are never really that original. And the reasons for a talking Pokemon in this fanfic isn't that outstanding either. If it's a psychic type, perhaps you could've jsut make it speak by telepathy. -Raven's flashback could have used some sort of indication to seperate it from the rest of the story... like a line across the page or something, or readability's purposes. -"who are you" contradicts with the psychic ability that Polienix used at the end... a plot flaw, but not a big one. -Some parts of the chapter, near the middle, got a few lines that suggests how Polienix doesn't exactly trust Raven because they have just met. However, this does act a little against the fact that Polienix is a baby, and those innocent talk from Polienix later on. -change in the general fanfic marking system, due to various people commenting how effort/originality seems to worth an awful lot, yet it is the least objective category out of all. So, a new category is introduced, the "coherence/readability." It rates if the story is easy enough to read, and if the story really flows. Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: 15/20 Coherence/Readability: 8/10 Tone/Diction: 14/20 Writing Skills: 15/20 Effort/Originality: 16/20 Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback, antecedent action) Total: 76 |
@ The Queen's Sacrifice
-endorsed...? Wrong word usage here... endorse does mean support, but only support from a public statement (related to people) -hehe... a mini-irony... cute -hmm... wrong section of the forum, Lily =p Non Pokemon fanfic really don't belong here... (or at least, i can't find anything "Pokemon" in this fanfic... though you attempted to draw some connection between chess and Pokemon, it's really dragging the quality of the story down... no matter how many times I read this over, I still can't draw this to be related to Pokemon at all.) -there's still a few things that I couldn't answer, and with 2 tests tomorrow I can't afford to read it again. Still have to find out "purity," "forest," and the "player" who was never directly mentioned but was insulted by the knight implicitly... so... Review mark: delayed and postponed until tomorrow >>; |
Ah...alright. I just had to see how the basic outline had to be. XD Mmm, the idea I used was correct, and I really wanted it to interact with Pokemon, but guess not. ;_;
Oh well. Thanks anyway E- Frost. >_> <_<; *coughs* |
well, I ended my poll, and Pocket Monsters Chronicles will have its old chapters replaced. Chapter 2's going up soon, so if you haven't read chapter 1 yet, I suggest you get to it.
EDIT: Well, chapter 2's up now. I have a question, is it at all possible to insert a post between existing posts with a mod's help or anything? I ask because my post exceeded the character limit, and I had to move the notes to a later post. Since I am replacing older chapters, that means I'm editting the same post on which the previous chapters have been on. I predict that I will write a chapter that, with or without notes, will exceed the limits, and when that happens, I don't want to post the rest of the chapter at the very end of the thread. |
Well, I've just uploaded Chapter 8, Part II of my fanfic, A Hero Emerges. Hmm, I think my fanfic chapters are getting longer each chapter. Anways, enjoy! As always, reviews are welcome :)
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Well, I finally got around to re-posting my fic to be hunted down and mauled by the frosted one.
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I started posting my fic here and just wanted to announce it to see if anyone will read it. It's called Pokemon Grand Adventure! :chinese:
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Sorry for not doing any fanfic reviews, but I'm just so busy lately...
@ Guilty by Design -lovely usage of sentence structure! Everyone just have to love that "five years prior..." But I personally will like it more if there's a cutoff line right after that line. -and everyone has to love anime-based fanfics too that aren't actually based on Satoshi ^^ Have to love these one-episode-appearance-characters getting their own fanfic. -not really a mistake, but just want to comment on the fact that "thirty something" is just something we say, but not something we write. We write "around the age of thirty." -slight grammatical errors... almost all of them are problems involving run-on sentences (like "Rebecca was seated at the table with the pink egg was set snugly in a bed of towels in the center." ) -hmm the part that briefly mentions the mother's death within the family sounds a bit awkward to me somehow... could be expanded a little? Talking about Rick being suicidal is rather unsupported by the rest of the fanfic... -hmm... we see well made characters as well ^^ I don't think that this is lacking character description... just because they aren't the most explicit at times. -A very entertaining story, as every thing is original, underused ranging from the Pokemon selection (YES NO MORE EEVEES!) to character choice. The story is catchy, with a highly original plot that follows some small detailed traits from the Pokemon anime. Obviously, the true work of a real observant Pokemon veteran. Grammar Basics: 9/10 Plot/Character Basics: 16/20 Coherence/Readability: 10/10 Tone/Diction: 16/20 Writing Skills: 17/20 Effort/Originality: 18/20 Lit. Device bonus: +2 (flashback + antecedent action, foreshadow) Total: 88 @ Pokemon Grand Adventure -no rates available, due to the fact that it violates ABSOLUTELY EVERY SINGLE fanfic "no no"s out there, such as anime style battling, vague title, traditional uninteresting OT beginnings, dialogue spam and missing descriptions... let's fix up these basic elements of a fanfic first, then rate. -by reading other fanfics, learn from the more experienced writers and see what makes their fanfic so popular and entertaining. Most of the time, it's NOT the plot that makes the difference in the long run (though for the first few chapters, yet it is). It's about their writing style... -read the sticky articules about some basics to fanfic writing @ The Crazy River -the first sentence doesn't even make sense... try to use MSWord to check for mistakes like that. -character description spam is just not good... don't do that. If you want to include character description, incorporate it within your fanfic along with some little actions, not to just throw out a bunch of description (especially if they're physical descriptions). -humour is certainly the point of the fanfic, but even humour needs a little bit of common sense... like why's Gold there in the first place? Length can fix these issues. Add on descriptions! Humour can make do without much emotions or character descriptions, but you still need descriptions about something... -the rating changes due to the change in genre... Grammar Basics: 6/10 Plot Basics: 10/20 Coherence/Readability: 7/10 Humour: 10/20 Writing Skills: 12/20 Effort/Originality: 16/20 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 61 |
Quote:
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@ Irony
-hmm... sounds *so* familiar... O.o; Perhaps I read the older version on ffnet before or something? -I don't think that you can say "live on a forest" unless you're building a city on top of a forest or something... perhaps "leeches off the forest" is what you mean? -occasional short phrases that are missing a verb here and there... but that's no big issue, and rather minor of a thing -could have saved the word "irony" at the end... the more you use such an important word for this oneshot, the less powerful it becomes. Important ideas come at the end, so you should delay the concept of "irony" to the end. -too many paragraphs... a new paragraph starts when there's a new speaker in a conversation, or when there's a change in what is being talked about/explored. Really, a few of the paragraphs can be combined as one, such as Absol's escape scene... -The 2 scenes of Absol barging out of Fortree's gym, and how he's captured by a "kid" when a few moments ago there are people behind him with guns (perhaps you can say that the kid's parents got guns or something but... that's kind of stretching it) ... These scenes are rather weird and a bit hard to understand... -I don't see anything else being a "mistake" but this doesn't mean that it's a 80+ production. Some things could really use some expansion (mostly Absol's lament over his lost family, and various disgusts/insults at human beings in all). The theme is clearly pointing the spear head at the disgust of humanity, but the lack of support from the story really weakens the theme. Mentioning those "good trainers" also weaken the theme... Tone and diction are rather generic, not really contributing much (but not really taking away anything either.) But you can't really do much about this except for writing more and reading more... Grammar Basics: 9/10 Plot/Character Basics: 14/20 Coherence/Readability: 8/10 Tone/Diction: 14/20 Writing Skills: 14/20 Effort/Originality: 16/20 Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback + antecedent action) Total: 76 |
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Yeah, you might have read the old version at FanFiction.Net. Or the "retelling" I wrote a bit later, which was extremely short and was the Absol (who's a she, by the way, as mentioned in the story) thinking about it later. The basic idea behind the whole thing was kind of confusing, but it was pretty much that first, one group of people went out and started shooting and killing the Absol. Then later, another group went off to try to *catch* the surviving ones. When they did find her, they found out that she was injured and trying to fight them, so they shot her with a tranquilizer, caught her in a Pokéball and brought her to a Pokémon Center, where she was healed. Then she was put into her Pokéball again, and sold, ultimately ending up with that kid, who first used her battling versus Winona in the Fortree Gym. Yeah, I know, there was no way to get half of that from the story itself. ^^; The theme in itself wasn't the disgust of humanity. The most important parts were when she injured the boy but didn't really think about it (while she had been saying earlier that humans were filthy for "firing their death staffs in the direction of innocent Absol kittens that stare, terrified, at their father’s dead body") and then when it ended and she had some backthoughts about that maybe there was some sense in that superstition but shrugged it off with "that's too ironic to be true". Then there was also how she was all "humans are the hellspawn" until she was being treated at a Pokémon Center, which was when she remembered the stories about how there were also 'good humans'. |
blah... thought it said the mother was killed >>; sorry about the he/she mixup
Yes I do understand that the 2nd group uses "tranquilizer" but still... going from "Green Team" to "Kid Trainer" is very confusing. I never caught *anything* about being sold... O.o; or even, passing "mysterious objects" from one to another (which would be gold/cash/whatever valuables but even that never happened.) So what's why it's confusing... it's missing the selling scene. Hmm... I disagree with that interpretation. First of all, Absol talks of the people hunting down Absols (aka "humans are the bad guys folks, and you better believe me.") No doubt about that part, and then those "Green Team" comes in and saves her by sending her off to a Pokemon center. If it is only that, then your statement will be true about how not all humans are bad, and that Absol is acting on prejudice and biased opinions. However, we see that "somehow" Absol ended up into the hands of a trainer without any form of consent or agreement from Absol, be it a battle, or Absol agreeing to be the trainer's Pokemon. That is suppression of freedom, which is a key element of what Absol believes in. I personally interpret the attack against her trainer to be a method for her to fight for her own freedom, to get rid of any form of interaction with the humans (which is also supported from the story in the beginning, when she decides to run and move out of the forest instead of revenge and fight for life/honor.) To me, the attack is justified, and of course that's what the humans will be getting for what they've laid down in the past XD Hmm... but then there is the line "Intentional? Definitely not" which I can't explain... Alright... I'll readjust the marks a little. I won't say that I agree with you, and I still think that there's an acceptable amount of back-up to support my interpretation that disgust of humanity is very likely to be the theme of this work. But I'll give you the recognition of it. Grammar Basics: 9/10 Plot/Character Basics: 14/20 + 1 Coherence/Readability: 8/10 Tone/Diction: 14/20 + 1 Writing Skills: 14/20 Effort/Originality: 16/20 Lit. Device bonus: +1 (flashback + antecedent action) Total: 76 + 2 New Total: 78 |
*gets idea*
Mwahahaha. Fear revisions. XD By the way, the "Intentional? Definitely not" refers only to the fire, not to the kid. She doesn't really care about that because she's a bit of a hypocrite, especially since it's vaguely implied that maybe the boy is still in the burning building. |
just because that maybe the case, it isn't impossilbe for Absol to be talking about one thing, but is actually referring to something else, which is what I perceive to be the case... ._.'
@ Reborn -err... regardless of how many times I read the story... I still can't get anywhere ;_; I'll... hopefully use one more day to see if I can find anything. If not then the mark... can be hideous >>; I really can't believe that there's finally a Lily production without any sort of theme or major ideas at all... |
;-; Oh gee Frost, it's quite amusing to see all of the so called 'Lily Productions' must have a theme. XD And the hideous mark part...Ima...just going to curl up in that little fetal position over there in the corner and sulk all day long.
I don't get it...what don't you get? o_O; Seems to me the one shot is quite simple enough, perhaps you are...looking too hard? (bad for the eyes dear *la* XD!) The title merely indicates not that it's literally 'reborn'...but in a different concept..how am I to explain? ._.; |
*is very busy, and probably can't do one until Friday comes... 7 exams in 3 days aren't pretty >>;*
And I'll take an educated guess that whatever "Heart of the Card" is about, the story is probably going to be rather limited... I'm rather *very* doubtful about it. But I maybe wrong, as all I know about it is the title... but the chance of me being wrong in this sense with such a "suggestive title" shouldn't be off by too much... |
I thought Heart of the Cards was a TCG fic... I'm so stupid. *slaps self angrily*
*erased former rant* I take this back. I'm just a drama queen. XD everyone tells me that oh well when I perform in theatre and they don't, maybe they'll copy me... |
@ Heart of the Cards
-the title = headache... unless you're trying crossovers, do NOT use any suggestive titles like that which may cause your readers to think that this is a fanfic based on something else instead of Pokemon. And even for a crossover, it's too unoriginal and boring for a title. -I was right... this fanfic is rather limited. Let's expand on why it's so limited then. -we get ENDLESS conversations, one after another, in an neverending cycle as if the narrator is dead... NOT GOOD. You have to add in details in between. This is so much like the anime, except we're missing the visual pictures aka all the details. When this situation lasts on for chapter after chapters, you are really asking me to stop ready by the end of chapter 1, and you almost succeeded in doing so. -the tone for Misty is quite accurate to an extent though, maybe even slightly exaggerated. The fact that this fanfic copies the anime copied absolutely everything from the anime, the good and the bad. The copy of tone in this case, is a good thing. Everything else, is not. -when the plot within the first 2 chapters are direct "copy and paste" of the GBTCG game, you get a OT card version >>; Slightly original, but equally boring. -and as a card player myself, on a side note, let's just say that those decks in the fanfic make the starter decks in real life look good >_>; (hey that's just like what the YGO anime does! They use completely not usable decks yet still miraculously become world champions! HA!) -a good attempt at a Pokemon TCG fanfic... but making it a combination of YGO anime on top of Pokemon anime will always result in pure chaos Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: 7/20 Coherence/Readability: 7/10 Tone/Diction: 14/20 Writing Skills: 10/20 Effort/Originality: 12/20 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 58 @ Reborn -either I failed to think properly this time, or this fanfic is... relatively a lot weaker than all the others x_x; -when some what should have been important quotations appear in this fanfic, they lack the setup/build up in front of it that'll make them sensible. "Darkness is not the word I'm looking for" is quite an important quote, but alone it gets nowhere... it lacks some supporting/thematic sentences that should be before it. -usage of oxymorons and some interesting dictions are shone... but... they really lead to no single common theme or idea again. It's suggestive, but suggests nothing in practice. Not a "mistake" but just that in comparison to all of your other work, it's rather surprising to see that... -verb error... not "I shall probably fail" but "I will probably fail." Watch out. -silence makes a stunning appearance as if she is going to play an important role, yet quickly she seems to be forgotton, never mentioned (explicitly or implicitly) ever again O.o; -Paradox! Yay! Another high level thinking at work... too bad that the paradox is held together very weakly without support... -and there are other "egg fanfics" ;p I've read a few. -An oneshot high in potential, with the brilliant usage of oxymoron, contradiction and a paradox (or perhaps even 2 if one of them isn't so weak that I just eliminated it from my head), but it lacks support to hold everything together. Many different pausible theme is mentioned, but all of them are mentioned once and are forgotton later on, unlike the other oneshots such as Forgiving Tears, and Reflections... too bad. High in potential... Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: 12/20 Coherence/Readability: 8/10 Tone/Diction: 15/20 Writing Skills: 15/20 Effort/Originality: 16/20 Lit. Device bonus: + 2 (oxymoron, paradox) Total: 76 |
76! yay? *glomps, clings, hugs* o.o;
Support...Haven't really thought of that much, considering I was impatient to just get straight to the concept of it. I doubted I could make something like Forgiving Tears and Reflections again, considering Lily can't feel her hands now. ^_^ And you read plenty of more egg fics? Funny, I couldn't find it. ;; Oookay...for the first time, my own one shot confuses me greatly...ugh. But thank you for the review frost. ~LP |
That's a very good review from Frostweaver. (OMG. It's so lengthy. My head reels.)
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could someone please volunteer to be an artist for my fic? I need someone to draw character art, and maybe pictures of select scenes, from PMC. I hate to sound picky, but I do have some pretty high standards. I want art that's done in a very nice anime/manga styling, so if anyone considers this, could you please send me a sample of your work first?
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Although this isn't directly linked to Fan Fiction... oh OK, it's got nothing to do with it. It's just it's frosty's birthday today, and I think we should all celebrate the greatest reviewer on these forums by doing something at least. But... in the mean time - congratulations on turning 16 frosty ^_^
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Aw, good idea MCD <3. So, here's to one of the best reviewers PC has seen. ^_^
Happy Birthdai Frosty-* Wish I was 16. XP |
おたんじょうびおめでとございます, フロストウィーヴァーくん!!!
Congrats on turning 16, I hope you enjoy that. |
Go review chapter 2 of my fic, you 16 year old, you. I may consider being an artist for your story, Yamato-san. I hope it isn't boring... just kidding.
edit: nevermind... you took down the first chapters, and it hurts my head too much when Japanese names are used. Sorry. |
Happy birthday, frosty. Are you ever going to review chapter five? :p
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whoever becomes my author will naturally be given access to my previous chapters.
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A bit late, but I celebrated earlier...
*throws balloons in the air* WOOT! Happy birthday! (It's funny, Lily, Frosty, and I all have November birthdays, and we all are directly linked to fiction. Must be a trait Scorpio brings...) |
I just noticed that the fanfiction area has EIGHT sticky topics. Are that many really needed? They really should be trimmed down.
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Fanfiction Lounge; We all use it, handy, freviews...etc etc so we need that one.
Christmas Pokemon Fanfiction Contest; Only until December 20th I believe. Who Shot Brendan Birch?; It deffers with every new FF of the week story we get. Read First- Basic Pokemon Fanfiction Writing FAQ; Self explanatory Halloween Chain Story '04; o_O Ooooookay better put that one down... Fanficton of the Week (info and listings); just a way to keep track of the FF of the week...plus any questions there may have been. The reviewer's guild; Requested to be sticked and closed, just for the reviewer listings I suppose(?) Pokemon fanfiction rules and regulations; Also self explanatory. |
well the reviewer's guild can be taken down too IMHO... seeing that I'm still the only one reviewing x_x; Well at least now we also got DP but really no need a whole locked sticky for it o.o;
(and btw, I'm still busy from work at all... reviews should starting coming in tomorrow night after I get back from working on a biology project at a friend's house) |
thanks
I sent a PM to Mr. Cat Dog ages ago and forgot all about it after regularly checking my inbox for ages... (whoops I have to review properly now ;)) |
Err... I just forgot about it. I was going to PM Lily to remove it, but I just forgot basically. And when I remembered, it was 5 minutes ago XD Feel free to take it down. I would do it myself, but... I can't. And happy b'day again frosty. ^_^
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muhahahahahaha NOVEMBER pwns for writers! It's the month that inspires me! w00t!maybe that has to do with the fact I was born in November... :) Scorpio rules.
I've written a really depressed song about... yes no duh heartbreak... which is strange as I ain't ever had a boyfriend to even get heartbroken with... so it's more about depression AND heartbreak... that's an update from the spokesperson of DPFF Inc. |
@ Guilty by Design (ch. 2)
-lol... lactic acid... such a small thing certainly adds the realism to this fanfic -purple + Champ = such a lovely usage of diction... have to like it. Perhaps a foreshadow! -... and the 2nd time within fanfic forum of PC did I have absolutely NOTHING to complain about O.o; Really couldn't pick up any mistakes at all. The most I can say is probably very small grammatic errors, like how a comma will be "better" but right now it's fine too... -hmm... maybe one weird thing that's worth saying. How come Fae started out as someone who keeps her distance away from her, and then in the middle of the conversation, she allowed him to snuggle up against her? Maybe it's "pity" but just a weird in the change... -heavy usage of supports and suggestive imagery (too many to list them out here really and there's too many fanfics in queue for review XD!), slowly building up to what I expect to be a major theme within the story that should be revealed soon enough... much better than chapter 1 in my opinion. Story is well paced, and very easy to follow along. Grammar Basics: 10/10 Plot/Character Basics: 18/20 Coherence/Readability: 10/10 Tone/Diction: 18/20 Writing Skills: 18/20 Effort/Originality: 19/20 Lit. Device bonus: + 2 (irony) Total: 95 *note: 2nd 90+ fanfic! (note to readers of this fanfic: it is encouraged that you really try to picture the perfectly build mood by the fanfic, and definitely, re-read it at least one more time to get everything) |
O_O
Holy freck. *rubs eyes* HOLY FRECK. This is, like, getting the nobel peace prize. Now it makes me feel worse about not making a new chapter in half a year. I hope this will give me the drive to continue (currently I have 6 completed chapters). I have to reread the part about Fae though and check that out. But once again, I AM VERY HAPPY. Thanks, Frostweaver. |
@ Legendary Revenge
-cliche titles... >_<; hmm... really have to watch out for the title -some of the detail actually turns out to be unnecessary... as they take away from the main theme by making the trainer look a bit better than he should look -it's ok to be biased for your own personal favorite Pokemon, but even favoritism needs a small amount of realism to it... Scyther can win against Entei if you choose so, but at least make it "rather difficult and a close call," etc, stuff like that... right now it sounds like "Well this Entei thing put up a decent match against my Scyther, even though Scyther is a bug and he's a legendary fire Pokemon." -now there are hardly any mistakes except some funny choice of wording (which isn't really a mistake... perhaps you intended it to be so), but there's just something missing... At first the plot seems to be ok. Some trainer captures Suicune, so her brothers try to save her, and Entei dies in the process, and only Raikou succeeds in doing so. However, just... something is missing. I guess... it's the emotions? The trainer just caught Suicune without much emotions attached to it... The "scary" description about Raikou wasn't very persuasive... (however, this lack of emotion for the trainer killing Entei "because he has no choice" actually benefits, as it adds on to the anatonistic feeling to the trainer). The tone... just sounds rather plain, unlike what chapter 2 of Guilty by Design is able to do. The characters within Iveechan's fic is very lively, real and vivid, as if they're real. The Pokemon and the trainer here are just... there because they're there. They're just characters of a fanfic, and nothing more. It's just... not there... -I won't say that the idea is very original, as the manga is suggesting similiar types of stuff, and I've read another fanfic that involves the legendary beasts going on a quest of revenge for one another, but still this idea is very uncommon for a fanfic -oh and btw Breezy, I won't call the "Ho-oh" thing a theme, but just part of the plot... not a theme Grammar Basics: 10/10 Plot/Character Basics: 15/20 Coherence/Readability: 10/10 Tone/Diction: 15/20 Writing Skills: 16/20 Effort/Originality: 18/20 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 84 |
lol this has absolutely nothing to do with fan fictions but it's my birthday on Thursday... not meaning to spam but just so ya all know it's not like anyone really would remember...
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I didn't mean Ho-Oh in general was the theme, just part of it but meh . . . *shrugs*
Happy early b-day (I guess) DP! ^_^ LaTeR dAyZ! |
later dayz to ya too and thanx
I'm busy writing a Hoennshipping (roll your eyes, DP is a proud Hoennshipper) one-shot now. Thanks to Breezy for writing HLBMA and LilyPichu for writing A Light Kiss, they inspired me. |
@ A Light Kiss
-lol... I'll say that it's humor XD very well done on the humor, as it relies on a true sense of mature humor, not like some other crappy fanfics that is just laughing at pure stupidity... -Kasumi is indeed a bit OOC, but not too much... The violence is certainly exaggerated but I didn't feel that it was OOC. It's the explicit feeling part that makes her so OOC. In the anime, she always act all shy and romantic when talking about love like a stereotypical girl (or tries to). The only complaint I got as well... -Satoshi was completely humourous and acting so consistent to the anime XD *ROFL* dumb and oblivious to his surrounding, and he certainly does yawn then scratch his black hair quite a bit in the anime too, does he... -major grammar improvement compare to all of your other stories! I can't find any... or maybe I missed them as well, but if we can't find it, it's probably not there... we can safely assume that, hmm? -now about Dark Pikachu's comment, oneshot is just a non-poetic fanfic that has only one update (hence, one shot). Short story IS an oneshot XD; As for Breezy's comments, I didn't find it choppy personally... mind to explain where it is choppy exactly? -another Lily production with a hidden theme away from the humourous appearance! We all love God vs Devil stories ^_^ -Despite the humourous, original plot outline that's carried out very well by Kasumi and Satoshi, this oneshot succeeds in carrying out its much more serious theme underneath. It is enjoyable at first glance, and very engaging in thoughts the next time it's being read. A top quality fanfic where Frostweaver had to find excuses for places to take off marks from, just to stop it from reaching 100%. -to Lily: certainly along the ranks of Reflection and Forgiving Tears, but what makes this fanfic earn an even better rating than the others is how humor and the most serious theme on the planet, of God vs Devil/Good vs Evil can be combined with humour so well... that is simply legendary. Grammar Basics: 10/10 Plot/Character Basics: 18/20 Coherence/Readability: 10/10 Tone/Diction: 18/20 Writing Skills: 19/20 Effort/Originality: 19/20 Lit. Device bonus: +3 (irony, symbolism, motif) Total: 97 *note: 3rd 90+ fanfic! **note: highest mark in PC history! Early B-Day bonus: +4 New Total: 101 XD *rofl lol* (note to all readers: again, like all good fanfics, it is necessary to re-read the story, and concentrate not on Satoshi/Kasumi the 2nd time when you're re-reading, but just keep looking out for the chair and the lightbulb... those two play as 2 important symbols in the story, and you'll be missing out a terrifying lots if you just don't pay any attention to these two rather "unimportant-looking" objects within the story) |
...*falls over laughing* XD!!!
Yes, maybe I *did* make Kasumi a bit OOC...but it fit perfectly in my opinion with the theme. And I really loathe it when stories use Kasumi as..as a marshmellow (literally) and Ash as this perfectly charming guy who can win everyone's heart...even as of few years later! Er, the original Misty x Ash is so much better. XD (And whatever happened to -3736528/10, hm?) No grammar problems? o.O; No way...Wait, there was one spelling error Breezy mentioned before. 'Cascading orange AIR.' And I fixed it to hair before anyone can notice...Thanks Breezy! XD Unfortunately, MS word doesn't detect unusual strings of words... God vs Devil/Good vs Evil is always humorous when used in a certain matter...^_^ And, yay! Finally, a third one shot matching up to Forgiving Tears & Reflections. it's ironic, how the fics I never expect to be good...turns out great. (97...omg) and the fics I consider decent...turns out somewhat bad. >_>; Ty for the review, frosty! A birthday bonus? lol..XD It isn't until my current age's amount of days anyway... |
Hmm, you know, I think I posted some info from the other story I was reading into Lily's re-review here. And me being stupid didn't realize that I was at two forums -_-; Fwee, what fun. Anyways, I'll edit it. Sorry heh. ^^;
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97... would that be the highest Frosty's review EVER?
Wow. Lily's made a few records with one fic. 1. My first, and mayhaps last, short and un-picky proper review. 2. One of, or maybe the, highest score ever from Frosty. oh ok lol I thought one-shot was long... because it certainly was short. *gets back to her own amazingly long one-shot. It would be a chappy fic, but I don't need three chappy fics on my hands and it's designed as a one-shot. You guys will just have to put up with too much description - two paragraph omg how did I manage that? -_- something's happened to my brain o.O - about how Brendan loves May's new outfit, etc. - the description is actually about May's changes o.O) when you read it. Nyah nyah :P will I get a birthday bonus lol? It's my bday in 2 days... :P keep checking the spoiler tag in my sig. |
@ Hex
-now psychology lesson: a computer typed text is a lot easier to read if it's a font that's commonly accepted by the eye, such as arial and times new roman. The default PC font works well too, even though it doesn't have the special property of a little "tick" near the top and bottom of a word that Arial and Times new roman share. -the first paragraph is slightly confusing regarding the glass and X Rars -some strange diction O.o; we're in a rather gloomy situation, and now we suddenly have a smilie with ice cream sundae and wafers? O.o; -some of the support/explanation are quite weak... especially the Capital Radio explanation. -quite a nice twist at the end... original ^^ The prologue gives a mysterious feeling overall, but there's still a lack of tension to let the readers read on. Expanding/fixing the diction on M and Kwei-Kwei's conversation should do the trick. A possible usage of literary device can also strength tension which is needed for the prologue to be effective. Grammar Basics: 8/10 Plot/Character Basics: omit/20 Coherence/Readability: 8/10 Tone/Diction: 14/20 Writing Skills: 14/20 Effort/Originality: 18/20 Lit. Device bonus: +0 Total: 62/80 => 78/100 |
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