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Lily November 27th, 2004 7:34 PM

Um....found only one problem...frosty. XD

Quote:

-now this story got one of the most terrible start for a Lily-production... 3 incomplete sentences in 3 lines gotta be the newest record for Lily being silly regarding grammar o.o; Incomplete sentences are all over the place in this fanfic.
It's supposed to have the incomplete sentences...I added them on purposely for the atmosphere of some sort. ;/

I guessed 67, but this'll do.

*playz LG*

Frostweaver November 28th, 2004 2:00 PM

If an incomplete sentence is to be used on purpose, then the incomplete sentence should be *as short as possible,* not a whole line worth of incomplete sentence... so that's the difference. ^^;


Oni wrote again! *gasp* *confetti* *hugs* ^________^

@ Love Lost

-some of the diction is a bit clumsy... like "uncomplicated" where you could have just used "simple." The shorter word length in simple also supports the mood a bit.

-"The air smelled sweet and fresh and the breeze, refreshing." The usage of "and _____ and" is always quite poor within narration. It's a very clumsy sentence structure.

-"as he tried to think up of the simple ways to tell her." Again, a very awkward sentence... perhaps you want "to think of a simple way to tell her" instead.

-don't change tenses around for no reason at times... sometimes you say "what he feels about her" and then half way through the story it becomes "how he felt of her," as if his love for her died and has become "past tense." I'm pretty sure that this isn't the case regarding what Green is feeling ^^;

-You definitely want a bit of transition between the event under the blossom tree, and a "few weeks later..." right now it's rather confusing at that final part of the denouement.

-hmm... the ending confuses me a lot. But then, if I find out what does Owari mean, that should help a lot XD;;;

-effort/originality and many other things are taken out of the marking system, due to the fact that the story's plot is rigid and is a constant, and unchangable.

-A conclusion for this review regarding this fanfic: "purity"


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 16/20
Diction
: 16/20
Effort/Originality: omit/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 66/80 => 83 (Standard of Honours)

oni flygon November 28th, 2004 2:02 PM

Yay! Frosty rated my one shot! XD

Owari means "end" ... basically. The last part was a little bit rushed since my hands were getting numb... O_O (cold...)

Greed November 28th, 2004 3:55 PM

I didn't even know that a fanfiction lounge existed. X3; I'm too dim-witted. XD;

*dies*

Sankari November 28th, 2004 4:05 PM

Alrighty, I just made a new story in other fanfic, but okay. It's called Sapphire Sun, and I'm going to add to it right now...

EmeraldSky November 29th, 2004 12:38 PM

I'm thinking about attempting a one shot--over what would probably happen if the human characters got involved in the mayhem of "Gotta Dance!"

A preview: Brock finds the NEW Dancing Pokebaton 2.0...

"Hey...what's this?" Brock asked, holding up a long baton with a red and blue Poke Ball on one end and various buttons on the other.

"Pika chu!" Pikachu cried, instantly recognizing the object in Brock's hands. "Pika chu pi pi Pichuka pi..."

"A dancing stick, huh?" Ash replied, piqued by the strange baton.

"Funny...what's this for?" and Brock pressed a button at the top, opening the Poke Ball and causing a rousing melody to come blaring into the room!

"Huh?" May glanced over, curious as to what the noise was.

"Oh..." Brock started as the song began. "Oh...my...Oh...my...gotta dance now, oh yeah!" With that, he reached for a pair of castenets and began clicking them to the beat as he danced about the room with glee.

"Brock...are you okay?" Max asked, concerned.

"No sense sittin' in your chair, NO!" Brock sang as he twirled throughout the room, knocking over boxes in the process.

"We're not even sitting..." Ash grunted, trying to resist the urge to dance.

"Flying and gliding through the air!" Brock sang as he made a flying leap into a stack of barrels, making them tumble to the floor.

"The wand's controlling him and making him dance!" Max concluded as he hit the top button again, closing up the ball and making the music stop. Brock also lay in the demolished pile of barrels, breathing heavily.

May raced over and helped Brock to his feet. "Are you okay?" she asked.

"Yeah..." Brock wheezed as he pocketed his castenets. "I have no idea why I danced like that...it just came over me!"...

Iveechan November 30th, 2004 7:09 AM

Similar to the style of my other guide, I had an idea of a parody story called "Purple Peanut Butter: the Tragic Tale of Angsteon". I just need to think of a decent plot, even though it's not sopposed to be taken seriously. And I'll post the next chap of Guilty whenever I feel like it.

Lynnk December 4th, 2004 7:17 PM

Are we allowed to post links for our fanfics to be reviewed? I want to know what you think of my fic, Final Flames. I will edit it more to be fixed too. I'm still only in the beginning of it, so probably a good time to make sure everything is okay with it.

Thanks a bunch!

Lily December 4th, 2004 7:55 PM

You could advertise your ficcy to get a review here (with a link- suure...) But most likely, people will just randomly review. XD Only one person reviews in the Fanfiction Lounge - frostweaver. Careful you don't curl up in your corner and weep afterwards you have read it. >>; i.e. constructive criticism.

...^^;

Ryoutarou December 4th, 2004 8:35 PM

Ya, his are all true and good...but people tend to think of them as mean or something. First time I heard one of his it made me get in the fetal position >> Not anymore XD

Lily December 4th, 2004 8:43 PM

^LOL at blue's post...*dies laughing* A fetal position indeed. When I got frosty's review for the first time, I just...liked it I suppose, considering he didn't have his rating (Deja Vu right here...) back then and it helped me...

...Aw, blue. *pat pat* I had no idea. XD

Frostweaver December 4th, 2004 10:24 PM

@ Trials of Reluctance (ch. 3 + 4)

-might as well do 2 chapters at once since nothing new is semi-interesting XD

-once again we have some hated "conversation spam"... really the idea of Brendan and good grades can be explained by narration. It's just not right when nearly the whole chapter 3 except the flashback is all a huge conversation.

-the "emotional" May scene is a bit awkward with diction... also it lacks transition a little bit (but not too much of a problem). Tsunami also flipped side too quickly too. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, but you're also equally consistent about how quickly May recovers, without much transition too XD;;

-chapter 3 can certainly be expanded... now that the identity of May being the Crimson Fighter is revealed, you can dwell on that a bit more to build up May's "cold side" character development.

-yay first irony that I've spotted in this fanfic! Not a big one, but still it's nice and somewhat humourous too...

-some of the Brendan lines really lack the support for his arrogance in his battle... when he's supposedly taunting May, the lines really didn't give him a feeling of arrogance at all.

-May's response to the taunts can also be colder to reinforce her "split-personality" regarding Brendan and the rest of the world... But this one is just my own personal preference too.

-again, TONS of conversation... can always paraphrase a bit of those and let the narration take care of it.

-the battle scene is a terribly revealing emotional scene, yet it isn't very developped. Expand it certainly. The fact that May pulled out of the battle is very important, and should not be just be left with 2 lines worth of explanation.

-if there is a change in POV, then just let it... don't need to put funny brackets around it. You're certainly allowed to change the narrator's POV half way, as long as the change is appropriate.

-the 3-year old scene besides May's narration is completely useless...

-but gotta love Norman's tone in the 4 year old scene =) May who is suppose to sound a lot weaker seems a bit tough and strong for a 4 year old who's "intimidated" by one of her superiors

-Mrs. Hiromi and Norman's first words about the camp make it seem like some weekly camp, and then it seems like later Cipher kidnapped them during the camp and shipped them off to their secret training base... rather a bit confusing there.

-though the plot sets up Cipher to be a terribly evil organization, the diction doesn't follow along. May uses highly "neutral" sentences such as "There, we were trained beyond our mental and physical limits to not only are able to leech out a Pokemons true strength to make them into merciless killers but to become the ultimate army of assassins." It's really like a report more than a personal reflection about onself's darkest past... the plot sets up some scary beginnings, but the tone weakens the plot...

-once again, diction is acting funny... it really makes the guys from cipher terribly weak when you refer to them as "Cipher Peon" while reality says that they have superior and complete authority/power over little May.

-now that you're speaking in the viewpoints of May, use terminologies that May should know when she's suffering through this event (remember, it's a flashback). I'm very doubtful that a 8 or 9 year old knows what's internal bleeding or serum... just die or drug will be sufficient. This is again more changes in diction, and it adds to the realistic effect of the work, to truly bring your readers to be with the flashback, and in the flashback.

-hmm... the "ending" to Part 1... I don't know. Once again, it seems a bit too fast of a transition from the dark side of May to her warm side... This one I can't exactly pinpoint where it seems wrong. Most likely it's related to dictions and tone again. Max's attempt to do anything more than cameo line is rather a plot-killer. It's so focused on the relationship on Brendan and May for some intensively cute Hoennshipping, and suddenly the brat gets in the way... argh! >>;


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction
: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony, humour)

Total: 80 (Standard of Honours)

oni flygon December 4th, 2004 10:42 PM

I can't believe a lot of people read my latest fic...I'm so touched... ;-;

Kylie-chan December 4th, 2004 11:05 PM

The fiction actually touched me. Waaaaaahhhhhhhh! *goes away and sobs*

Isaac Gravity December 5th, 2004 1:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
@ Trials of Reluctance (ch. 3 + 4)

-might as well do 2 chapters at once since nothing new is semi-interesting XD

-once again we have some hated "conversation spam"... really the idea of Brendan and good grades can be explained by narration. It's just not right when nearly the whole chapter 3 except the flashback is all a huge conversation.

-the "emotional" May scene is a bit awkward with diction... also it lacks transition a little bit (but not too much of a problem). Tsunami also flipped side too quickly too. And I'm not sure if this is a good thing or bad thing, but you're also equally consistent about how quickly May recovers, without much transition too XD;;

-chapter 3 can certainly be expanded... now that the identity of May being the Crimson Fighter is revealed, you can dwell on that a bit more to build up May's "cold side" character development.

-yay first irony that I've spotted in this fanfic! Not a big one, but still it's nice and somewhat humourous too...

-some of the Brendan lines really lack the support for his arrogance in his battle... when he's supposedly taunting May, the lines really didn't give him a feeling of arrogance at all.

-May's response to the taunts can also be colder to reinforce her "split-personality" regarding Brendan and the rest of the world... But this one is just my own personal preference too.

-again, TONS of conversation... can always paraphrase a bit of those and let the narration take care of it.

-the battle scene is a terribly revealing emotional scene, yet it isn't very developped. Expand it certainly. The fact that May pulled out of the battle is very important, and should not be just be left with 2 lines worth of explanation.

-if there is a change in POV, then just let it... don't need to put funny brackets around it. You're certainly allowed to change the narrator's POV half way, as long as the change is appropriate.

-the 3-year old scene besides May's narration is completely useless...

-but gotta love Norman's tone in the 4 year old scene =) May who is suppose to sound a lot weaker seems a bit tough and strong for a 4 year old who's "intimidated" by one of her superiors

-Mrs. Hiromi and Norman's first words about the camp make it seem like some weekly camp, and then it seems like later Cipher kidnapped them during the camp and shipped them off to their secret training base... rather a bit confusing there.

-though the plot sets up Cipher to be a terribly evil organization, the diction doesn't follow along. May uses highly "neutral" sentences such as "There, we were trained beyond our mental and physical limits to not only are able to leech out a Pokemons true strength to make them into merciless killers but to become the ultimate army of assassins." It's really like a report more than a personal reflection about onself's darkest past... the plot sets up some scary beginnings, but the tone weakens the plot...

-once again, diction is acting funny... it really makes the guys from cipher terribly weak when you refer to them as "Cipher Peon" while reality says that they have superior and complete authority/power over little May.

-now that you're speaking in the viewpoints of May, use terminologies that May should know when she's suffering through this event (remember, it's a flashback). I'm very doubtful that a 8 or 9 year old knows what's internal bleeding or serum... just die or drug will be sufficient. This is again more changes in diction, and it adds to the realistic effect of the work, to truly bring your readers to be with the flashback, and in the flashback.

-hmm... the "ending" to Part 1... I don't know. Once again, it seems a bit too fast of a transition from the dark side of May to her warm side... This one I can't exactly pinpoint where it seems wrong. Most likely it's related to dictions and tone again. Max's attempt to do anything more than cameo line is rather a plot-killer. It's so focused on the relationship on Brendan and May for some intensively cute Hoennshipping, and suddenly the brat gets in the way... argh! >>;


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction
: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony, humour)

Total: 80 (Standard of Honours)

Yeah one of my more confusing Chapters...

Hmmm...I don't know whether to be glad that I was able to leave you speecless at most points or curse my own lack of description...

The comment you made about 8 or 9 year olds not understanding the meaning of internal bleeding...Point taken. That's why those brackets exist. The entire flashback was made to be narrated in present-day May's point-of-view The reason she was neutral in tone about it is because she wanted to give us the expression that she doesn't care one way or the other. More or less my inexperience at public fic writing weakened this.

I dunno about the three-year-old scene something that I just felt like adding for sake of showing how far back she was being compared to her parents. Useless maybe...

Cipher Peon is the actual name of the Cipher followers (Grunts/lesser rankless dudes with no actual influence) in the game... But I should've just said henchman or something...

Max's 'cameo lines'...Hmm nice way to describe it. I just called it: "Needlessly putting your two-cents into something that you truly have no say in." I'm not what you'd call a romantic so maybe that's why I did that.

As far as my use of wordiness goes...I'm working on this to this very day for a couple of currently posted chapters and all the future ones...(Even though it becomes more centered around battle after Chapter 5)

Just to get my but out of the hole I digged for myself for the future...The story gets a bit different from here...

Frostweaver December 5th, 2004 1:57 PM

The present day May learned what she knows about the pass through what she knows back then. If she doesn't know what they are back then, she won't know about what they are not either most likely...

The neutral in tone normally does do what you say, but the fact that not all the time is the tone neutral doesn't seem to say so... as most of the time she mentions anger, and same for the narration too when she escapes to her hate/anger to hide. So that didn't really work out...

Well just keep working on it and you'll be a great writer... take your time. Do all the school stuff first and leave fanfic to be nothing mroe than a hobby.


@ Final Flames (ch.1-4)

-"Miles was 9 now. Danny was dead. He died at 10 years old. Now Ryan was 18. And Seth and I were 12. Ellen was 5. We'd all grown up too fast, it was weird. That Eric boy all too long ago must be 15 at this point. It seemed weird thinking about it."
Highly repetitive sentence with numbers... physical character descriptions are just tossed at us for really no reason (as we aren't attached to the characters at all... we know nothing about them beside the names.)

-watch out for grammar, especially grammars that your word processors should have caught for you already

-what's with the "(I'll stop with the 5 years thing now.)"? Readers got no right to criticize you if you strongly feel the need to insert something in, as long as it contributes to the story and its theme.

-really and generally lacking in emotions in terms of relating to older events... as if they're quite irrelevant. It's like reading a newspaper, being thrown at us events after events, and not necessarily do we feel touched by them (which is something a newspaper shouldn't do but a story should do)

-too much paragraphs... combine a few of them so you don't get tons of one-line paragraphs

-read the "read first" article, the one about anime styled battling... Reading Iveechan's fanfic, especially her latest chapter will help too, as you can see what is the ideal form of fanfic-battling (link to the story is available in my signature.)

-don't try to use the same sentence structure over and over again... it's really boring then. Try to get away from "<character> <verb> <object>" structure.

-the kiss romantic scene... kind of lacked emotional development again. The build-up of the lack of emotions result in this scene not sounding very convincing or real.

-many things are kind of unexplained... as if it's there because it's there. It's like how did Ash/Aqua suddenly appear into the story? No idea...

-quite anime-like in most of the things that happened... such as all the characters being "perfect characters" which is quite problematic. It's terribly boring when there's no faults in the characters...

-slow down your pace in pumping out chapters, and take more time to plan and to read over your work to make changes to them. Also, reading other stories/fanfics will also contribute to your writing skill. This is a nice attempt, overall.


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Coherence/Readability
: 8/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/20
Diction
: 9/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (repetition)

Total: 59

Lynnk December 5th, 2004 2:06 PM

Okay, thanks. I'll try a lot harder in my next chapets/next fanfics. Um-a lot harder. ^^;

oni flygon December 5th, 2004 3:28 PM

Oh, Lynnk, if you have any troubles with emotional descriptions, I could always help you with those. And, you could read my story Love's Lost...which tore emotional holes all over my readers... o-o

Lynnk December 5th, 2004 5:11 PM

Thanks, Oni Flygon. Not easy to type emotional stuff when my families around. I get embarassed easily. Even if I do a small kiss-hug or something like scene, I don't like anyone reading my stories. --;

Asrialys December 5th, 2004 6:54 PM

Hi, I'm a new member here and I just posted my first fanfic, The Shining Eevee. It has actually been posted in many other sites ("Why not add one more?" I say). The first two chapters are up. I have completed nine so far (And I started it many month ago. Bah!).

oni flygon December 5th, 2004 9:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynnk
Thanks, Oni Flygon. Not easy to type emotional stuff when my families around. I get embarassed easily. Even if I do a small kiss-hug or something like scene, I don't like anyone reading my stories. --;

Ah don't worry about that. The first time you do it, it's really embarassing but the more you write about kissing or hugging, you get used to it. Like me...XD

Neo Pikachu December 5th, 2004 9:50 PM

Okay, wow, it's been awhile since I was last here. Perhaps a bit too long...

If any of you remember me, you might remember that I wrote Road to Palantria a while ago, and then just disappeared. Well, to say the least, that fan fiction didn't work out as great as I thought it would.

Instead, I'd like to present a new fan fiction to you a fic that I finished almost a year ago. I've actually started writing out the sequel, but I'd rather present the first one to you before showing the one I've started writing.

It's called the Trial of Juno. It's been long gone at Serebii and is still remembered at PE2K, but nonetheless, I'm sure there are people who have never even heard of it here. Plus, for me, it might be good to go back to old times for once.

I hope you enjoy it.

Ryoutarou December 5th, 2004 10:01 PM

Oh, I remember your's, they were really good. To bad you never got to finish it, but I'll be looking foward to your new works^^

Frostweaver December 5th, 2004 10:27 PM

oh... i had no idea why Road to Palantria just died ;_; but then again I don't like how Articuno gets beaten up *GRRR!!!* ARTICUNO NEVER LOSES! *cough*

Ok... I'm calm.

But i'll look forward to your new work too, and this time you better stay alive within PC ;_;

Kylie-chan December 5th, 2004 10:59 PM

I'll also help Lynnk. I'm so apathetic, yet all this... icky emotional stuff pours out of me! Eeek! *goes back to studiously writing Chrissy fan fic and her two ficcies*

Neo Pikachu December 6th, 2004 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
oh... i had no idea why Road to Palantria just died ;_; but then again I don't like how Articuno gets beaten up *GRRR!!!* ARTICUNO NEVER LOSES! *cough*

Ok... I'm calm.

But i'll look forward to your new work too, and this time you better stay alive within PC ;_;

I feel bad about it, yeah, but the main reason why it wasn't working out well was because the main characters really didn't have much of a role in the overall plot. Without that, it's nearly impossible to drive the story in the right direction. Still, I would like to thank everyone who took the time out to read it.

As for staying alive in PC, I've mostly had my mind focused on the Pokemon Elite 2000 forum, but it's been down (again...) for the last few days. But even when it does get back up (if it even does...), I'll still try to remain active as possible here. You guys seem like a nice bunch, and I definitely think it would be worthwhile to get to know you better.

Ryoutarou December 6th, 2004 11:13 AM

Got another one BWUHAHAHAcoughhacklecough >>; Just ignore that^^; Anyways read your first chapter of Juno, really good. Like I said you have a way of making pokemon seem like such a normal thig thats what I love about your writing.

Mr Cat Dog December 6th, 2004 11:18 AM

Yay! My favourite author's back (Lily's my favourite Authoress of course :P *snuggles*) I've read bits of Juno on SPP and I loved it. Like Blue said, NP really has a nack of making things seem real. It almost feels like you're there when reading the chapters. It's a shame about Road to Palantria though... big shame. Oh well... at least you're back. And never NEVER leave us again XD Got it? ^_~

Dragonfree December 6th, 2004 1:23 PM

Hey, Frosty, it's been a long time... *hint, hint*

D3L3T3D December 6th, 2004 6:07 PM

Sorry I was so late. Ive been on other places lately.
Quote:

@ Obsidian Dream

-excellent title! Great usage of symbolism, and foreshadowing about the entire story's basic plot, and where the story is about to head to... great usage of diction. *nods*

-the guidelines and prologue-like message is more of a killjoy and a lights up... >>; Best if that didnt' exist at all. Let the readers find out themselves.

-watch those commas and periods... your most fatal grammatical mistake. Also there are many evidents that this fanfic is not checked with spellcheck *everyone gasps,* and that's just not something you should do... always use spellcheck to check for those "teh"s

-gotta love a professor who isn't that stereotypical friendly old hag who does nothing but gives out starter Pokemon... rebellious main characters for a rebellious fanfic that's acting against the nature of "professors"

-the usage of the quote is unique (personally, I don't have anything against it,) but still remember to do paragraphs within flashbacks too... that part was a little hard to read. Try the "one new paragraph for every new speaker" rule to help with the readability.

-I... seriously got majorly confused by this... the part where Oak and Leon talk of "cliche" and Team Rocket's plan... if Leon took parts in putting a halt in TR's plan in the past, then certainly Leon will also know about what Oak means by "cliche." Or perhaps Leon is asking what is the defintion of a cliche, but then he used that word himself earlier... so this one is... result of careless planning, or lack of reading over your own work?

-now seeing the ch.4 title, I certainly think that if the chapter title doesn't pack much significant importance to the story (or if it doesn't do anything special, such as foreshadowing, symbolism and so on), then I recommand you to just wipe out the chapter titles... "jumping the gun" doesn't really describe ch.3 that well at all except for physically, having a gun involved. Long titles are always annoying (ch.4)...

-how did Kelsey let Leon+Oak escape like that is completely a mystery, almost to the point of a plot flaw... unless the description about Kelsey's intelligence and how she's cunning is a complete lie (which means that the narrator is just useless... 3rd person narrator is always neutral and should always be correct at all details.)

-"Moltres rampage" isn't corny (as no ideas can ever be corny,) but when it's mentioned in this context, it's terribly corny and just makes the readers go "err..." A good way to fix these kind of things is to give them an official professional "cool" looking label/name for the event, such as "The Moltres Rampage" instead of a "Moltres rampage." Just make something sound official, and the corny rating will really drop... keep that in mind. But once you started something official, be sure to back it up eventually with great explanations and details, because anything official is also immediately important, and your readers will demand any details they can get their eyes on when official looking matter is the business at hand.

-how did Pro.Oak get tied up, while Leon "is free" sounds like another almost plot flaw error... they did escape together, didn't they? So, that's very awkward again...

-the title started off great in terms of diction, but then really all sense of diction kinda died off eventually... quite a shame really.

Grammar Basics: 6/10
Plot/Character Basics: 13/20
Tone/Diction: 13/20
Writing Skills: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 24/30
Lit. Device bonus: +5 (the excellent title, for reasons listed already)

Total: 74 (already, in a good range for a Frosty review)
I understand and completel agree with each point. Seeing as i cannot find the story in which to continue on, i'd rather give up for now and work on something simpler. One day, i will rewrite the story as intended to be told. Thakn you for the review.

Neo Pikachu December 7th, 2004 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mr Cat Dog
Yay! My favourite author's back (Lily's my favourite Authoress of course :P *snuggles*) I've read bits of Juno on SPP and I loved it. Like Blue said, NP really has a nack of making things seem real. It almost feels like you're there when reading the chapters. It's a shame about Road to Palantria though... big shame. Oh well... at least you're back. And never NEVER leave us again XD Got it? ^_~

Wow, I didn't expect to have so much respect around here already. I'm glad you like my stories, but I do have to apologize for RTP. I hoping Trial of Juno will make up for it though. A lot of people from other forums have enjoyed it.

Frostweaver December 8th, 2004 5:19 PM

@ Trial of Juno (Part 1-ch1)

-grammar errors about the correct usage of prepositions and when to use which prepositions seem to be very frequent...

-don't change tenses back and forth. Choose either past or present and stick with it.

-suddenly using "you wish" is really weird... since talking of "you" will be referring to the readers.

-Nothing else to talk about really... it was mostly battling and relatively short length really decreases the chance for mistakes too. Quite nicely done. Just what can I complain about? Obviously, our main protagonist is nothing but a brat who needs a thrashing ;p

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 20/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 20/20
Diction
: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 93

(will have to read more chapters to see if I am going to add it to Standard of Excellence... one chapter is too short to judge that for now)

Lynnk December 8th, 2004 6:16 PM

Hey, I started another story. -Runs around on a unicycle with a monkey-

Er, you can see chapter one here.

Hoping this one will seem better. Thanks.

Neo Pikachu December 9th, 2004 11:44 AM

Thanks for the review Frostweaver! Trust me, this story goes much deeper than what appears in the first chapter. Nonetheless, a 93/100 is pretty good, that would be an A- in grading terms.

Again, thank you for reading it and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.

Frostweaver December 9th, 2004 1:10 PM

@ Trial of Juno (part 1- ch.2)

-really could have combined ch.1 and 2 together, seeing how their ideas are roughly the same, plus combining these 2 short chapters will make the new chapter 1 much more impressive. Also, it'll speed up the story a lot actually, even though combining 2 chapters is hardly any work done to the story, but it's all related to the psychological effect of how we react to numbers.

-great to see that the preposition misusage is shaken off... but then sadly that's only because they generally disappeared.

-now I'm fine with Howl boosting attack power but that's probably because I'm also a competitive player... however, fanfic and the game must differ. Attacks can (and I personally like it more if they) have the same effect, but don't make things seem turn based like the game. Pokemon within this fanfic should be like real life, where action is continous. Many places within the battle scenes suggest a turn-based battling style like the game though. Bend the rules a little, just like how you've changed the effect of thunderwave a little bit.

-also within the battling scene, description goes a little bit funny, especially with the 2 usage of light screen... I personally suggest just skimming through ch.3 of Iveechan's fanfic (link is in my sig), and see how she perfectly portraits the actions within a battle to strengthen your own writing ability.

-pain seems to be repeated on a very VERY constant basis within the battling scene... try using other words or reword the sentences a little so "pain" doesn't appear that often.

-now those battle errors are rather minor compare to this one: narrator's constant contradiction in tone. Definitely the narrator and his 2 friends are the bums (or like what Iveechan said: scumbags) and have this highly arrogant tone within them constantly. However, in several places of ch.2, the narrator suddenly without warning loses a lot of this arrogance within his tone without much explanation too. Actions such as keeping fingers crosses against the thunder attack, or Alex "asking in surprise" about the strange relic are all examples of this mysterious contradiction in the tone out of a sudden... Quite surprised to see this error though, as this did not happen at all in chapter 1, nor did it happen in RoP too. This terribly battered the characters and the story...

-not sure if anyone mentioned this yet, but doesn't the 3 letters called "YGO" instantly strikes your head when Jeff presents the relic near the end of the chapter? O.o; thought that I should really mention it. It's fine to take other places as springboard, but really cover things up a little because unwanted allusions terribly twists your theme and adds on a lot of strange ideas to your readers too...

-oh and updating once a day is INSANE updating speed... I'll so easily fall behind like that... slow down? x_x;;

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability
: 10/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 16/20
Diction
: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 85

Neo Pikachu December 9th, 2004 1:56 PM

Very good points, I'd definitely have to agree with some of those. Looking back a year, I do realize I did have a lot of primary faults that I stumbled upon when writing this many months ago. Yes, using the same word again and again is definitely one of my weaknesses. I've been trying hard to make sure I overcome that as I write today, but when I was writing this back then, I really didn't even stop to consider it.

As far as character acting, that may be debatable. My original intention was to have the characters act differently. Suddenly they come face to face with Jeff, and begin to have a few uncertainites. Then the strange necklace might give them doubts as well. I think any of us would behave a little differently if that happened to us. In this case, Jake, David and Alex lose a bit of their overconfidence, but they try to hide it.

And, ouch, yes, the Quista necklace was created and thought of using the Millennium Ring in mind, but with different powers. Later on, you'll see that everything Jeff mentions about the necklace is completely false. Also, expect the three main characters to change... A LOT. In all, I hope you enjoy it, and thank you for the very detailed and well written review, Frostweaver.

Pidgeot500 December 9th, 2004 7:42 PM

Hi all,

I plan to write some fanfic here, although I have a habit of using American English in quirky ways so frequently and so constantly that people mistake it for 'breaking' that language. For instance, mixing prepositions "abnormally" to denote subtleties in placement and momentum among feelings/ideas/etc. Usually I submit a piece for some publication and get it back with every preposition circled. XD

No, actually, I don't intend to be too creative here. So it probably won't matter much at all!

Truthfully, I love the way things are run in this forum, from what I've browsed. The main reason I joined PC: big community, forum variety, and a fanfic forum that's active and interactive! Yeeeeeeeeah!!!

Go! Go! Go! :rambo:

Dragonfree December 11th, 2004 11:58 AM

Well, what do you know? Farla has given LilyPichu the honours of writing a review of Finality in her LiveJournal. View only if you feel like looking at lots of picking that really doesn't sound like her final conclusion is what she says it is.

Lily December 11th, 2004 12:02 PM

Dragonfree; would you mind handing me the link to her livejournal?

Dragonfree December 11th, 2004 12:10 PM

Farla's LiveJournal of everlasting doom

Whee, she's given The Quest for the Legends a mention too. As containing *ahem* "one of the more poorly thought out plots I've had the experience of seeing, with the particular flaw of having said poorly thought out plot benefit the character more often than not."

Why does she always mention my fics, but never actually review them so that it can be helpful?

Lily December 11th, 2004 12:29 PM

Well...

*insert a laugh here*

I credit Farla for her excellent and valid detections of small things hidden within the connotations and diction, although I've never received a review such as her.

What can I say? It had reasonable explanations backing up those nitpicky details, but somewhat, her 'reviews' are always a bit hollow~

<3 oh well. I suppose I'd better cry in a corner, right? XD

Isaac Gravity December 12th, 2004 12:21 AM

I'd say save your tears...I dunno... When you look into her live journal she makes really good points from time to time. But overall Farla gives me the impression that she's a higher level of perfectionist.

Maybe it's my short-fuse speaking, but It kinda annoys me to no end that she would put someone's story into her journal just so she and her friends could laugh it up without even giving a heads up the "butt" of all the amusement. (Seems like a low-blow to a guy like me.)

There are some really obsure and badly written stories out there by even my standards but nobody's perfect. The last time I checked fan writing was suppose to be something you do intelligently yet still look beyond all and all the mistakes you make (and fix overtime) and still have fun and a feeling of accomplishment when doing it.

These guys and their live journals seem to suck that kind of factor away from people making many near paranoid should they be mentioned in it.

Iveechan December 12th, 2004 1:56 AM

Plus people write for fun, not to be the best. I just... hate Farla... with all my heart. I drew a picture of her as a huge fat queen and a little human is bowing down to her and saying how great she is. I can't describe my hate for her...

Oh yeah, and she asks people to email her if they want to flame, yet she dedicates her journal to being a jerk. And yes, my hate did rise more because she picked on Dragonfree.

Strawberry Delcatty December 12th, 2004 2:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neo Pikachu
I hoping Trial of Juno will make up for it though. A lot of people from other forums have enjoyed it.

Like me!
The Trial of Juno series is a classic! It practically has the word written all over it-nya!

Junomeow really does a heck of a job with his fics. Meow.

Neo Pikachu December 12th, 2004 1:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nekomajo Asunya
Like me!
The Trial of Juno series is a classic! It practically has the word written all over it-nya!

Junomeow really does a heck of a job with his fics. Meow.

Boy am I glad to see you here! Plus I see that you've released Hoenn Mirror World. Trust me, anyone who hasn't read it yet is in for a real treat, it's that good!

Hopefully we have more enjoyment and luck with PokeCommunity than we did with Pokemon Elite 2000...

Strawberry Delcatty December 12th, 2004 1:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neo Pikachu
Boy am I glad to see you here! Plus I see that you've released Hoenn Mirror World. Trust me, anyone who hasn't read it yet is in for a real treat, it's that good!

Thanks! I hope everyone likes it too.
I have made some minor changes in it, but that's pretty much nothing. It still has all the fun of Mariah, Connie, Cascadia, and Lyoko's adventures in a parellel version of Hoenn complete with talking Pokemon, bizarre necklaces, and all the Watmel berries you can eat. ;)

oni flygon December 12th, 2004 2:38 PM

*sigh*

After the great depression, my creativity is drained. Should get some new inspiration somehwere... *scratches out love stories from his list*

Neo Pikachu December 12th, 2004 4:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by oni flygon
*sigh*

After the great depression, my creativity is drained. Should get some new inspiration somehwere... *scratches out love stories from his list*

Play some video games and watch some movies (Action or Science Fiction recommended). While you're doing so, try to imagine a conflict similar to the one you're seeing and know the reason for that conflict. Think of a way to add Pokemon to it. Switch time periods and locations if possible to mask the fact you got the idea from a movie or game. Then start building plot and characters.

Give it a shot. It usually works for me.

Strawberry Delcatty December 12th, 2004 7:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Neo Pikachu
Play some video games and watch some movies (Action or Science Fiction recommended).

Juno's right-nya. If it weren't for Kirby and the Amazing Mirror, Hoenn Mirror World wouldn't exist.

BTW, I'll get chapter 5 of HMW up tonight.

oni flygon December 12th, 2004 7:51 PM

Actually, my writing style is manga. That means anything anime related is off the window. >.>

emeraldslay December 14th, 2004 2:28 PM

Can I have a review for Troubled paths ?

Strawberry Delcatty December 14th, 2004 3:25 PM

I'll check it out sometime tonight.

In the meantime, I have chapter 6 of Hoenn Mirror World. I'd like some feedback on it please.

Dragonfree December 15th, 2004 6:49 AM

Whee, I posted my one-shot Pokémon Master that I mentioned sometime earlier. Very revised...

Strawberry Delcatty December 15th, 2004 1:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MewMan
Can I have a review for Troubled paths ?

I've read quite a bit of it (up to the battle between Larvitar and Teddiursa), and I have to say that I'm rather disappointed. First of all, I noticed a bunch of typos throughout the story. It was hard for me to enjoy the story with the constant spelling mistakes.

Also, I kinda lost interest in reading Trainer fics (there are VERY few exceptions to this). They get rather boring after a while.

If I have offended you by this, I'm sorry, but that's my opinion. I've understand that you've tried to put some effort in it, so I'll give you credit for that.

EDIT: Would anyone mind doing a review for my story? Thanks.
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=24826

Dragonfree December 17th, 2004 6:21 PM

I've posted Sunset Beach too, one of my best one-shots.

Strawberry Delcatty December 17th, 2004 7:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfree
I've posted Sunset Beach too, one of my best one-shots.

*cries*
Aw, man...
That was so sad. It was so totally sad...
My favorite Pokemon... a murderer... in a sacred place...

I know I pretty much spoiled the juicy part, but I don't care. It was really sad... ;_; *wipes her eyes and blows nose*

Mewthreee December 18th, 2004 12:40 PM

i made a new story caled pokemon lengends. heres the link http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=25348

oni flygon December 18th, 2004 1:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mewthreee
i made a new story caled pokemon lengends. heres the link http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=25348

That's not a fic...it's more of a bio...

Strawberry Delcatty December 19th, 2004 4:25 PM

Chapter 8 of Hoenn Mirror World up. It may seem like I'm skipping ahead, but it's actually a bit of foreshadowing about what's going to happen in a future chapter. For those who aren't liking HMW too much, hopefully this is where things start to get interesting. If not, I'm sorry that I've wasted everyone's time by reading it and I'll take it off first thing tomorrow.

Mewthreee December 19th, 2004 6:24 PM

chapter 2 for pokemon lengends is now up.

Frostweaver December 19th, 2004 8:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nekomajo Asunya
Chapter 8 of Hoenn Mirror World up. It may seem like I'm skipping ahead, but it's actually a bit of foreshadowing about what's going to happen in a future chapter. For those who aren't liking HMW too much, hopefully this is where things start to get interesting. If not, I'm sorry that I've wasted everyone's time by reading it and I'll take it off first thing tomorrow.

it's not that I'm not reading it because it's bad, but it's just that...

a) christmas fanfics are coming in for me to review soon
b) just started holiday and school days right before holiday are ususally exam-packed
c) I don't like to read fanfics when I'm trying ot write my own... don't want outside influences on my own plot in order to be original

^^; so pardon me that I'll review HMW later...

Strawberry Delcatty December 19th, 2004 8:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
it's not that I'm not reading it because it's bad, but it's just that...

a) christmas fanfics are coming in for me to review soon
b) just started holiday and school days right before holiday are ususally exam-packed
c) I don't like to read fanfics when I'm trying ot write my own... don't want outside influences on my own plot in order to be original

^^; so pardon me that I'll review HMW later...

Oh. I see. I completely understand. I don't mind waiting.

Frostweaver December 20th, 2004 1:44 AM

@ Justice (ch.1)

Terribly hard to comment on this... most of it is filler-material serving as a transition to something greater that is about to come in the future. Slight grammatic errors here and there, and that's aobut it. I don't like that many conversations, but it wasn't so much that the story fell all clogged up into a scriptfic wanna-be at least. It didn't really spark my interest, but it didn't kill any either. A bit is revealed about Amy, but not that much. However, this feels more like a prologue than Chapter one anyway, so it's fine enough. Actually, perhpas renaming this to "prologue" instead of "chapter 1" will probably improve the story by a lot already. Psychologically, we won't be expecting that much from it then. lol...

Just your daily normal fanfic that's not a piece of writing that's worth praising about, nor is it something that you want to tell your friends to stay away from either... Effort/originality omitted for now due to the little to nothing revealed about plot, and without plot it's terribly difficult to judge originality.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/20
Diction
: 14/20
Effort/Originality: omit/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (foreshadow)

Total: 61/80 => 76



@ Trial of Juno (up to ch.7)

Battle's still roughly the same... with the highly game-intensitive similiarity which managed to really take away from the idea that Pokemon is as real as animals in real life. Last time my encounter with a dog didn't give me my one turn to run away before I get hit by "bite" >>; ahem... At the same time, I was rather surprised at how you didn't mention Chlorophyll ability being activated either at the battle against the two legendary birds. I was expecting that. Highlight out of all the battle scene must be Return. That was terribly clever.

As for all the other parts... it feel rather a bit rushed up and lacking in transition in comparison to RoP. (lol and now we see a very similiar event in RoP don't we? Finally I get what you mean by RoP and ToJ being similiar.) The pixie scene is very nicely done with the dramatic irony, though too bad that wonderfully well constructed event was rather poorly supported by the other events. Once again, with an average of just 2 or 3 lines long per paragraph, there's probably too many of them too. Diction doesn't have the most exciting setup too... The famous lovable Return scene can probably be reworded a little to focus on the power of Return a bit more and so on, for example. Randy's supreme reign over his own land is rather inconsistent at times too... Well we'll see...

Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 15/20
Diction
: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (dramatic irony +2)

Total: 83

Dragonfree December 20th, 2004 4:52 AM

Not to rush you or anything, but are you going to review Pokémon Master and Sunset Beach?

sparklythingy December 20th, 2004 7:27 AM

Thanks for the review! Yeah, more of it will be up soon, and there will actally be more characterization. I'll think about changing chapter 1 to a prologue, but it seemed a little long for that, so I wasn't sure. Thanks very much, though :)

oni flygon December 20th, 2004 12:43 PM

Hmm...I do notice...some authors who aren't really good at writing go for mediocre authors...>.>
That seems bad...

Frostweaver December 20th, 2004 2:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by sparklythingy
Thanks for the review! Yeah, more of it will be up soon, and there will actally be more characterization. I'll think about changing chapter 1 to a prologue, but it seemed a little long for that, so I wasn't sure. Thanks very much, though :)

All depends if prologue serves its purpose... though I did put in the general guideline that prologues are only around 500-600 words usually, as long as the story is in porportion to the prologue (meaning if prologue is 1000 words long, then your chapters will be 2000 for example), then it's fine to me...

Of course, another way to avoid this problem is to take out the chaptering system =D all problem solved. The only loss to that is that you can no longer use the chapter title as an important symbol or foreshadowing on what is to come.

As for dragonfree's 2 oneshots, I read it already but I'll need to reread them a few times to catch the theme... >>;

Strawberry Delcatty December 21st, 2004 7:36 PM

Trials of Reluctance (Meitantei Isaac)
Just got done with chapter 2. I liked how Tsunami (I thought it was rather odd until May mentioned her full name) and May are alike to the point where they hate each other.

Also, you've showed me a bit of a different side of Pokemon with your fic. I don't know why, though. Maybe it's because of Brendan's crush on May, or maybe May's "tough girl" attitude.

Whatever the case, your fic is showing quite a lot of promise. I'll get to reading chapter 3 after my hair appointment tomorrow.

Frostweaver December 22nd, 2004 1:01 AM

Wow someone else is reviewing in "my" lounge XD

@ Sunset Beach

-can always emphasize the importance and the holy essense of Sunset Beach a lot more, in order to make Delcatty look even worse in the end

-as always, paragraphs for some reason are never any longer than 3 lines? O.o; can always always combine a few of them together.

-nothing much to comment, except for one thing: "Argo." It's a terribly interesting name, and the fact that its role in the story is the complete contradiction of the origin of the name makes it something worth further investigating about. One can treat the name as the original intention of the legendary ship Argo, intended to send people to its doom (fits Kingler's role very well, as he is a mass murderer.) On the other hand, Argo is also sent by the Gods to protect Jason on this quest that's suppose to send him on his doom. However, Kingler is in everything possible against the Gods by defiling the holy sanctuary (murder, and tempting others to murder.) So I'll probably need to spend more time on this...

-the ending is also quite mysterious... not sure if Nanee actually suicides or not. It never mentioned it, but certainly it is quite evidential that this is a possbility, as a possible reason why she cannot hear her own whisper is that she's already dead.

-a wonderful piece of Pokemon fanfiction, with its excellent usage of literary devices, and I personally counted up to 4 different themes being present, which is very impressive for such a short work.

-I also agree that this is so far the best one shot from Dragonfree ^^


Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 18/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 16/20
Diction
: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +8 (dramatic irony +2, motif, foreshadow, oxymoron, satire +2, allusion)

Total: 95 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}

Congratulations to Dragonfree and Sunset Beach, being the 5th winner of the Standard of Excellence Fanfic Award!

It is encouraged for everyone to try to contemplate this wonderful piece of fanfiction. Before you do, however, be sure that you know the story for "Jason and the Golden Fleece" to fully understand Argo's rule within this fanfic.

Strawberry Delcatty December 22nd, 2004 2:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Wow someone else is reviewing in "my" lounge XD

Why-nya? Is that bad? If so, sorry.

LanceLite December 22nd, 2004 3:21 AM

new fanfic up.. Three Winters of Sadness http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=25617 . Pls can someone review it? And i've submit it for the Christmas Contest but nobody posts in the submission thread at all...

Frostweaver December 22nd, 2004 4:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nekomajo Asunya
Why-nya? Is that bad? If so, sorry.

LOL it's not bad at all, but just that usually people put reviews in the story directly, and I'm the only one who use the lounge (so it pretty much became mine =p)

LanceLite December 22nd, 2004 8:41 AM

so er... how about someone reviewing my one?? pweese?? pwetty pweese?

Strawberry Delcatty December 22nd, 2004 1:28 PM

Chapter 9 of Hoenn Mirror World has been added.

Since I'm in a good mood today, I'll give you brief summaries of the next four chapters (to prevent spoilers, they are in white font):

Chapter 10: Mirror Mariah and Flannery are kidnapped at one point of the chapter and Mariah must save them.

Chapter 11: Mariah has to fight a giant Slaking. A new character appears in this chapter.

Chapter 12: Mariah and the gang has volunteered to take the new character to her home.

Chapter 13: The new character is almost home, but the gang gets bullied by some Kecleon.


Anyway, enjoy the latest chapter.

Fangking Omega December 22nd, 2004 1:37 PM

Anybody fancy giving their views on my work thus far; The Revenge of Geminine? I'd appreciate a bit of feedback. Chapter 4 for tomorrow... :)

I am definitely going to read Sunset Beach now; it's getting excellent reviews to say the least. Some definite talent around here.

Dragonfree December 22nd, 2004 4:32 PM

*faints*

Sandard of Excellence?

*dies*

Especially considering that I didn't even change it much when I revised it... it so DOMINATED my other work when I wrote it...

Fangking Omega December 23rd, 2004 2:29 AM

Having now read it, I can at least say you deserve it :) Excellent indeed!

emeraldslay December 23rd, 2004 5:33 AM

I could use a review on my fic 'Troubled paths', *cough frosty cough*

LanceLite December 23rd, 2004 9:38 AM

and mine?? winters of sadness? this winter is gonna be sadness for ME if someone dont ever READ my story *cry*

Iveechan December 23rd, 2004 4:46 PM

Congratulations, Dragonfree :D. Together, we can defeat LilyPichu! Just Kidding...

Lily December 23rd, 2004 5:27 PM

You're not allowed to pick a mod's fanfic during the FF of the week anyway.

;-; gee thanks a lot.

Strawberry Delcatty December 23rd, 2004 7:54 PM

Trials of Reluctance
Boy, did Chapter 4 impress me. Cipher remaking the Holocaust? May made into a murderer? Wow...shows me a different side of Pokemon...

Whirlpool the Zigzagoon... I'm sensing a water theme with May.

I've only spotted a few errors, but they're nothing I can't get used to.

Overall, I expect good things with this fic.

Trial of Juno
Might as well say it again: This is good stuff.

I could do a review on this, but I'd go on forever. Besides, all my comments are on PE2K where I first read it anyway, and I don't feel like digging through the fan fic feedback thread just to copy and paste what I said.

Oh, and I'll have chapter 10 and probably 11 (my personal favorite) of Hoenn Mirror World by tomorrow or Xmas.

Frostweaver December 23rd, 2004 10:20 PM

lol... or you can say "let's beat Lily in Frosty's Standard of Excellence Award!" XD;

... I wonder if people are going to review Frosty's fanfic after he reviewed so many of others? =D *whine with a shameless advertisement*

Strawberry Delcatty December 23rd, 2004 10:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
lol... or you can say "let's beat Lily in Frosty's Standard of Excellence Award!" XD;

... I wonder if people are going to review Frosty's fanfic after he reviewed so many of others? =D *whine with a shameless advertisement*

I guess it wouldn't hurt to take a little peak-nya. ;)

Frostweaver December 24th, 2004 1:44 AM

@ The Revenge of Geminine (prologue - ch.3)

-it was unnecessary to mention how you will have 6 new legendaries in your story... it's revealing too much, as it's 100% gurantee that the legendaries will play some vital role.

-the first section of chapter one sounds like something to go into the prologue as well, since it's unrelated to the rest of chapter one but definitely related to the prologue... it still has the cliffhanger feeling if it's part of the prologue too.

-pokemon stored in discs... I hope that it's only an unintended allusion to Monster Ranchers, not just because someone's running dry on creative ideas of Pokemon storage?

-why mention darren's location with a transition? Nothing is related between Fangking and Darren at this point in time, so the transition to draw connection between the two events is unnecessary.

Quote:

{new paragraph} The mountain was known as Greatvine, the home to Merto’s Pokémon League. He was here to fulfil his dream of becoming a Pokémon master; a goal he had been pursuing for little over five years now. {end paragraph}
The "he" is never stated who. This is a new paragraph, and you'll need to restate who unless you're purposely relating to him in the 3rd person, and there is no reason to in this paragraph. Also, a paragraph that's just 2 lines long is pretty hideous. Either add more to it, or combine it with another paragraph. This is also known as the Dragonfree Disease (DD.)

-the whole paragraph about his Pokemon team is unnecessary... No one will remember what is mentioned there. Just let him call out whatever when the need comes to it. It is really boring to go through a whole paragraph that's made of a list.

-this seems to be a style that needs to be changed. Right before/after you mention someone/a Pokemon, you'll start unloading all the description about him/her/it as soon as possible. It doesn't have to be this way. As long as you describe them, it will be fine. Unloading too many info makes it look like a list, and lists are always boring to go through. You can't be at the two extreme ends of either no description or description overload, but try to take the center.

-then you started talking about the mountain... the earlier 2 sentence paragraph is best to combine with this paragraph here.

-the battles are really short... each Pokemon pretty much get knocked out in one blow o.o; realistic it can be, but not the most interesting ever. Can always use some more description about the battle techniques and moves, especially since you also have original attacks as well.

-slightly awkward in logic here... how can Daz not heard of his father, who's the Pokemon champion? That's quite a famous title... You could say that many people have the same last name, I suppose, along with the fact that he knows nothing of his father from his mother. Another thing is that Daz believed in Argus rather quickly in an unreasonable manner. This stranger is telling you that this other stranger is your father, who you know nothing about, and he believed it immediately... not even the slighest hint of disbelief, even for a gullible person, is rather illogical. This fact by luck made the doubt in Daz about Eagold completely ironic in such a humourous manner...

-glad that you're trying to use different words here, but you always have to be careful. If you dip something, then it is meant to come out again very shortly... the sun does not do that, and hence why sink is the most commonly used verb, because it suits the idea. However, it's always nice to try out new diction hmm?

-if Psyclone is playing the role of a mysterious prophet, then Fang knowing his name is rather awkward, along with killing a lot of the tension if you have just remained this Pokemon nameless

-the calling of the elite 4 got similiar problems to how you talked of Daz's Pokemon lineup as well

-Ivan saying "shut up" is slightly awkward in diction for someone with great authority to say in front of his crowd. We don't see presidents saying "those idiotic terrorists will go down the drain" but "the terrorist group shall be put to a complete halt."

-the coming of The Three seems rather rushed... can always expand on transition and description about their coming, and the chaos that they've stirred up.

-the last 3 paragraphs are meant to increase tension as mysterious Pokemon are also waking up from their eternal sleep in respond to the Three. However, the dictoin just didn't work out to build up the stress there...

Not a bad piece of fanfic, but wouldn't call it spectacular as well. The story laid itself too well that you can predict half the story already. We know who the bad guys are and it's another clash of good vs evil already. The idea of legendaries waking up to destroy the world is done very frequently, including the gameboy itself. Though it seems to be your typical most common type of Pokemon fanfic excluding the OT, it does manage to avoid the pitfall of many other fanfics in order to stay readable. This is a decent (but not wonderful) start for what can turn out to be a brilliant fanfic.


Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability
: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 13/20
Diction
: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +2 (irony +2)

Total: 74

Frostweaver December 24th, 2004 2:49 PM

@ Troubled Paths

-paragraph spacing needs to be worked on... kills my eyes instantly

-the 3rd and 4th paragraph are awkward... it's an aside, but it's not a scriptfic... so what the heck? This type of thing is only allowed in an anime or a scriptfic, but not a fanfic.

-After Lara's congratulation, there is a *huge and ugly* description paragraph. Descriptions are nice, but not when they just halts the flow of the story. Also, that part is like listing, which makes it even more boring. All the sentence structure is roughly the same as well... gotta avoid this from happening at all cost.

Quote:

He walked inside, and saw four trainers. I would describe them, but they aren’t really part of the tale, and it would only bore you.
Strangest part of the tale... the same person is now speaking about himself in both 1st and 3rd person at the same time, which means the writer messed up here. And why mention something if it's unimportant and unrelated to the story? It's like SPAM then. Everything mentioned in the story must contribute to the story one way or another. Don't include something for the sake of length.

-"you're" means you are, not "your." Watch out.

-*all* the characters are just so typically Pokemon-Anime-style... perfectly supportive family, super nice professors with no one in the world understanding what finance means o.o; terribly anime-styled, and the Pokemon anime isn't so great.

-the what seems to be a new pokemon/ponyta part is just totally confusing... not to mention a definite lack of transition/reasoning to why Erick broke down and cry.

Overall, it's just a rewrite of the Pokemon anime... there is a long way to go.


Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 10/20
Coherence/Readability
: 5/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 9/20
Diction
: 11/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 57

Yamato-san December 24th, 2004 4:18 PM

I posted chapter 8 as a make-up chapter for those times I was over a week late (so chapter 7 is still staying for now). In other news, I reposted the first 6 chapters.

Hey Frostweaver, now that those chapters are up again, would you mind continuing your reviews starting from chapter 2?

LanceLite December 25th, 2004 7:54 AM

STILL NO REVIEW???? NOT EVEN A PEEK INTO MY WORK??

this is depressing and boring and stupid. im gonna get the impression that the top writers/reviewers dont care about new writers' works....

Lily December 25th, 2004 8:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LanceLite
STILL NO REVIEW???? NOT EVEN A PEEK INTO MY WORK??

this is depressing and boring and stupid. im gonna get the impression that the top writers/reviewers dont care about new writers' works....

LanceLite; I saw your work, tried to review, didn't get the time.

Um, there's this thing called 'patience.' The world doesn't revolve around you, and many other writers are expecting a review as well. So please, it doesn't hurt to wait. If it's that depressing/boring/stupid and you don't like the reviewing policy here, then I'd either advise you to stop being so impatient, or just go to another forum that meets all your needs there, hm?

Thank you.

Strawberry Delcatty December 26th, 2004 11:13 AM

I've just put up chapter 11 of Hoenn Mirror World. Enjoy! :)

Sunflorazumarill December 26th, 2004 8:13 PM

I just posted the chapter of a new fic of mine; A Wedding Story: Pokémon Style. It's about the weddings of Romeo and Juliet (from Love at First Flight) and Claire and Kane (from Going for a Spinda). I hope to see some good reviews for it.

Strawberry Delcatty December 28th, 2004 8:39 PM

Chapter 12 of Hoenn Mirror World is up. I hope everyone is liking my story so far.

Also, Chapter 10 of Trials of Relunctance was very good. Looks like the serum is REALLY going around. First May, then the Magma Grunt, now Steven. Next thing I'll know, Winona is somehow stuck with it.

*gets weird looks from everyone*

It was just a wild guess!
Anyway, I'll check out chapter 11 now.

LanceLite December 28th, 2004 11:37 PM

hm... and er.... sorry LP, i get impatient easy..

and since its already some time over 25th so the contest is supposed to end soon....

Dragonfree December 29th, 2004 4:31 PM

I just posted a new one-shot, "Mew". *pokes frostweaver hopefully*

Onimusha December 29th, 2004 11:18 PM

Well, I've begun re-posting "The Power Within" (currently with my Prologue and Chapter 1 of the Prelude up) again - I would've posted earlier but I didn't realise I could post this in here (gotta pay more attention) *imitates Dragonfree by poking people*

Frostweaver December 30th, 2004 2:34 AM

sorry but no fanfic review for awhile... due to

a) too addicted to Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
b) have to catch up on christmas homework... and played too much and forgot all the school stuff so it's taking extra long
c) christmas/new year dinners
d) real life problems to manage

^^; so be back... later? And I'll review Lancelite's as my first priority since he sounded a bit desperate XD;

Strawberry Delcatty December 30th, 2004 9:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
sorry but no fanfic review for awhile... due to

a) too addicted to Kingdom Hearts Chain of Memories
b) have to catch up on christmas homework... and played too much and forgot all the school stuff so it's taking extra long
c) christmas/new year dinners
d) real life problems to manage

^^; so be back... later? And I'll review Lancelite's as my first priority since he sounded a bit desperate XD;

*facefaults*
Okay... I'll wait. Meow.

LanceLite December 31st, 2004 1:26 AM

er... *sweatdrops* hehe... i aint THAT desperate... *see's -lethal- frying pan in LilyPichu's hand* heh.... take all ur time ^_^;;

im writing prequel - 1 of Winters of Sadness... i still need a name for it now..

Onimusha December 31st, 2004 11:35 PM

Well, I've updated my fic again, Chappie 2 is up ^_^

Kylie-chan January 1st, 2005 1:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfree
*faints*

Sandard of Excellence?

*dies*

Especially considering that I didn't even change it much when I revised it... it so DOMINATED my other work when I wrote it...

Wow! Congratulations, Dragonfree. ^^ Obviously your story was excellent [duh] to get the Standard of Excellence. ^___~


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