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Strawberry Delcatty January 1st, 2005 2:26 AM

Hi, everyone. Happy New Year!

Chapter 13 of Hoenn Mirror World is up, and it's going to be the last chapter I'll be posting until next weekend. Despite the variety at this forum, I barely find anything to do around here except for the fan fic section (my main priority) and a few other sections. I'm sorry, but I won't be coming here much.

Of course, I'm still posting my fic here and check up on any interesting fics here on weekends, but that'll be basically it.

Enjoy the latest chapter!

Frostweaver January 1st, 2005 5:26 AM

@ Three Winters of Saddness

-grammar check please... prepositions go flying out the window, resulting in run on sentences absolutely everywhere. There is a bogus word too... "snowfight" is not a word. You will want to reword these slangs/bogus to "a snowball fight" or "playing in the snow" and etc. These grammatical mistakes create a *huge* problem for the story, as the story becomes unreadable because of these mistakes. Many sentences don't make sense, or is not precise enough in order to tell the readers about the tale.

-due to the above, most of the story doesn't make much sense... like is the baby outside or inside? You really don't know.

-besides expressions with nothing but onometopias, all sentences NEED to have a verb. There is no verb in "The cry of the poor kid on the little bed her father got her." (the "got" in that sentence is part of a phrase, not the main sentence, so watch out)

-beware of clumsy diction like "a tiny finger was used to touch Pikachu." It is grammatically correct, but it disturbs the flow of the sentence to be used as the end of a sentence. Passive voice generally goes in the beginning part of a compound sentence. This isn't true all of the time, but it's best to go with the general formulas until you get the hang of it.

-there is a lack of transition regarding Ash coming home and thanking Pikachu, to Pikachu's flashback. Lack of transition results in a very choppy story. What leads Pikachu to think about this flashback? In a story, you cannot say "it just happened because it did" unless it's a dream sequence, or if you indicated that "<character> didn't even know why..." You have to lead your readers into understanding what your characters are thinking in an emotional warm oneshot like this. Explain to us what caused Pikachu to jump into the upcoming flashback. Perhaps by mentioning how Pikachu feels loved at that moment can help with this a little.

Quote:

"I wonder when Brock, May and Mach will get here." He...
You can't even know what's the "he" in that statement... Is it Sceptile or Ash? No idea... be sure to vertify if your readers know what a pronoun is refering to before you use the pronoun.

Quote:

lastly remembering how the arguments and fights ended in a daylong battle between May and Misty
What's the "daylong battle?" Though leaving things unexplained is a technique that writers use in order to create suspense, this here is not the case. This does not create suspense, but just confusion.

-it is invalid to say "back to reality" when Pikachu snaps out of his memories. Those memories are also part of reality, just not the reality of present times. Watch for the accuracy of your dictions.

-indeed the ending is not bad... it allowed many room to move around for any future add-ons to the story, such as sequels. A theme finally developped at the end which I was very thankful. It's just very difficult for a oneshot to be interesting without some sort of a theme...

-up to the very end, there is absolutely no character descriptions beside the point where Pikachu grew upset at the thought of the past regarding Team Rocket, which is another major weakpoint of this story. In a oneshot so focused on emotions, you will have to describe the characters to us. Physical description is nice but not necessary. However, emotions are a must for this oneshot. You'll definitely need to spend more time revising the story to add in more emotional touches to the story. Right now I can swap the roles of all the characters around while maintaining their personality (say let's swap Brock's place with Ash's while keeping Ash who he is, and the same for Brock), and no one will be able to notice the difference... when this happens, this means that either two characters got the EXACT same personality, or both of them have none to begin with...

-be sure to start a new paragraph whenever there is a new speaker, to help with readability. 98% of the time this remains true.

-for your next writing, it is strongly adviced to first focus your attention on grammar problems first as the basic. Then, try to start with some characterization and description for your characters before you try to worry about diction, tone, and other higher level writing techniques. For now, just try to read out a sentence, and if it doesn't sound awkward, then the diction is probably good enough.

Grammar Basics: 5/10
Characterization: 7/20
Coherence/Readability
: 5/10 (grammar is really pulling down readability)
Tone/Atmosphere: 5/20
Diction
: 5/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (opening ending +1)

Total: 42

Not Frosty's fault if he turns the beginning of someone's 2005 bitter and miserable, because afterall Frosty's fanfic review is only the 2nd harshest ones available. I'll hand over the "harshest review award" to Farla ;p

Dragonfree January 1st, 2005 7:17 AM

Speaking of Farla, I've gotten her to review The Quest for the Legends by e-mail. She words things a lot nicer outside of FFN and her LiveJournal, and the fact that she doesn't rate in numbers or even give an overall rating at the end makes the review an array of suggestions rather than some harsh rating. So no, frosty, you're number one. :P

Iveechan January 1st, 2005 8:01 AM

I still think Farla's a mean old turd. She puts you down in her public live journal, but is more polite when she's personal. And I know of a harsher fanfic reviewer: Darien Shields of Pokemasters.net. We get along now, but he outright told me that I wasn't a good writer for my age.

Isaac Gravity January 1st, 2005 1:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Iveechan
I still think Farla's a mean old turd. She puts you down in her public live journal, but is more polite when she's personal. And I know of a harsher fanfic reviewer: Darien Shields of Pokemasters.net. We get along now, but he outright told me that I wasn't a good writer for my age.

In her journal Farla says she likes to e-mail and be nice before "she closes in for the kill" as she said. I don't think she's harsh...Frosty is a slap to reality she's needless overkill. (Though her friends are worse than she is)

I really don't have great thoughts period for anyone who discourages others through a high and mighty attitude and cover it up saying: "They're being honest and this is how life is." Obviously its THEY who seem to not understand the difference between being a condensending jerk and a real live unbiased critic of sorts.

Strawberry Delcatty January 1st, 2005 3:24 PM

Trials of Reluctance
Well, I'm officially caught up in the story now. Overall, the fic has a feeling where while it's similar to the game, it has it's own unique story to make it interesting. I do have to say that there were spelling errors and sentence fragments here and there, but I was able to ignore 'em.

Anyway, I'm looking foward to the next chapter. :)

Frostweaver January 1st, 2005 11:14 PM

*again a minor change in the rating system... instead of tone/atmosphere it has become tone/structure, as in sentence structures, or the structure of the story (like why is this event mentioned before this one, etc) ^^; *


@ Lights


-nothing too much to comment on... except that word choices can be so strange sometimes... dusky rose for example, does work in terms of grammar, but the tone just doesn't sound very right...

-watch out for using the right preposition. You hover over something, not near something.

-the sentence " By this, I indicated towards poverty, greed, envy, and the overwhelming imperfection staining the planet." is terribly awkward... it sounds really weak and it chokes the flow of the story... try reading some of the stuff over and see if it sounds awkward to you at times.

-watch out for misusing the commas when you need a period

-the major theme seems a bit rushed... when Mew is explaining what is Christmas. But then again, you said that it's rushed too ^^;

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability
: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 13/20
Diction
: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 75


@ The Prize

-I'm not sure if there is anything that I can complain and whine my way about... oh wait perhaps a few ^^ ;p

-the opening is nice, but dryads, nymphs, spirits and wisps... I didn't really get why they are mentioned here. Also that line breaks the rhythm of the poetic start too...

-the shorter the fanfic, the more precise and careful the writer have to be regarding his/her diction and sentence structure. "power of thought" is not very strong or dazzling for01 a phrase, making it rather odd and pale in comparison to the rest of the story. Perhaps use another word instead of thought there.

-Also, the ending of "The dancer follows the other out; it's no longer the prize that matters, but the dance." can also used a bit of re-wording so the ending is emphasized even more. "the other" doesn't sound very firm or strong, and the final sentence isn't as 'poetic' as the rest of the story too... slightly unclear about what the "whisper" is/symbolizes... the "let's go" thing puzzled me certainly o.o;

-the famous poem "Ozymandias" is written in 15 minutes when the author is in a crazy challenge to write a poem against his friends within that amount of time, drunk as well with a whole night's worth of beer. Regardless of all these strange circumstances, it is still regarded as one of the most flawless and famous poems around ^^ So who said that you must be getting bad reviews just because it's written in half an hour?

and also I was the one who said the 1400 word thing, not Oni ;p However, that was a *general* guideline... it's like back in elementary school they tell you to never start a sentence with 'because." Well nowadays we keep breaking that rule don't we? It's just that for the meantime while you're still learning, it's best to follow a few rules until you know what you're doing.

-a beautiful oneshot that's certainly very enjoyable... With a great original idea along, a great essense that can move the readers to be at one with the story, and an encouraging theme that is nicely incorporated int he story, this is truly a fanfic that is very well worth the time reading through again and again...

Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 18/20
Coherence/Readability
: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 17/20
Diction
: 20/20 *well done!*
Effort/Originality: 19/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 94 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}

LanceLite January 2nd, 2005 10:36 PM

yipe thats harsh ^_^;;;;

heh at least i know how much i've got to improve into my writing. thanx frosty for the review and keep pointing out my mistakes like this or else i'll never be able to improve..

but who the heck is Farla?

Frostweaver January 3rd, 2005 5:21 PM

@ Mew

-really nothing too much to comment on as what stands now is currently pretty flawless. However, I'll recommand you to really focus and emphasize on the collector's eagerness to capture Mew. Right now, most of the fanfic consists of the battle (along with Mew using some illegal moves... OMGoodness Mew can use gameshark!!! ;p) and nothing much of anything else... if you want the ending, especially the rhetorical question, to be much more emotional and touching, then I'll really advice you to add to the collector's will to capture Mew at all cost. If you want to emphasize something, then you will want to add more of what is opposite to what you are trying to emphasize ^^ Besides that, no comment =D

-this is more of a personal opinion though, but Mew sounds quite weak in this fanfic for a legendary XD;; yes indeed using a lot of super-effective attacks, but... =D;;

Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability
: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 15/20
Diction
: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0

Total: 83

Dragonfree January 4th, 2005 7:12 AM

Heh, I wasn't really in the mood to write a battle when I wrote it, so I didn't feel like making the battle too long. I'll probably revise it when I'm in more of a battle mood, and emphasize stuff more...

Mr Cat Dog January 4th, 2005 9:35 AM

Am currently involved with Pokemon Parody which will poke fun at frosty's rating system. Expect to see it in the next half-hour, as I am rushing it just like a n00bie fanfic writer would, withot checking for punctuation, spelling or even grammar. Frosty's going to love it XD

Geometric-sama January 6th, 2005 12:42 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-the opening is nice, but dryads, nymphs, spirits and wisps... I didn't really get why they are mentioned here. Also that line breaks the rhythm of the poetic start too...

-grammatical mistake, ESPECIALLY with the evil semicolon that dooms me plenty of times too... they should have never invented such evil punctuations to begin with.. >>;

-Also, the ending of "The dancer follows the other out; it's no longer the prize that matters, but the dance." can also used a bit of re-wording so the ending is emphasized even more. "the other" doesn't sound very firm or strong, and the final sentence isn't as 'poetic' as the rest of the story too... slightly unclear about what the "whisper" is/symbolizes... the "let's go" thing puzzled me certainly o.o;

OK. For the first point there, it's just to get a flow going - these types of spirits are known for dancing etc. Next, where's the grammatical mistake? Third, "the other" is the trainer, who I didn't want to name; the whisper of "let's go" is like "let's leave this place" - in other words, they're not hanging around to find out who won - hence the title. Hmm, that's all I have to answer I think :P

Pidgeot500 January 6th, 2005 11:23 AM

Hey, this might seem like an odd question, but are there any fanfics which stand out as having a very notable readership? Like, maybe ten to twenty replies for every new chapter? That's how it was with Hitmonchan's Diary years back, which I'm putting up on my web site's fanfic section, and I'd like to see if there are any other great fanfics out there that I think I'd like to put up there, in which I'd e-mail the authors.

Edit: Or any fanfics that have great writing style, characterization and plot/flow, that really stand out. (Like Zorak's fanfic which he started back in '99 which I'm idly scouring the internet for, but since I don't have that around as an example I'll have to hope that fanfics like this have happened. Maybe someone who reads quite a bit of fanfics could point out their one or two favorites?) Thanks

Frostweaver January 6th, 2005 12:29 PM

-Well I do suggest you saving "the trainer" instead of "the other" and that will greatly improve that line to make total sense XD

-wisp is a wandering soul in the spiritual world... not sure how is that related to dancing or if wisp has multiple meanings then


As for Pidgeot's question, DO NOT look for good fanfics by the number of replies or views, as I certainly disagree that fanfics with lots of views/reviews mean it's a good story. Don't know why but I do find that in PC the opposite seems to be true even at some odd times. Forgot exactly which fanfic, but everyone hopped in to criticize, resulting in that fanfic getting a huge amount of views and posts for one chapter (like 1 chapter getting 20 so posts of different authors saying "oh this and this needs to be changed.")

Out of my personal opinions, the best of the best in this forum so far are the ones I gave Standard of Excellence Award to on my own rating system. All of those fanfics utilizes a great variety of writing techniques and symbolisms in order to lead their readers into a new world of their own. Pocket Monster Chronicles is also worth mentioning for being the ONLY CORRECTLY formatted scriptfic in the existence of Pokemon fanfic history.

Another great fanfic that's out of PC but certainly deserves a whole lot of recognition is nevertheless classical Pokemon MASTERS by Acey, the first dark fiction for Pokemon. However he is no longer active and no longer writes, so the best you can do is to link to Acey's website which is dead but still online.

Miyu-chan January 6th, 2005 8:06 PM

Miyu-chan has wrote her first pokemon fanfiction! o.O; http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=27304 Even though this was originally written for the Christmas fanfiction contest, er... I got delayed due to a series of events. x.x;;;

Hope you enjoy~

Yamato-san January 7th, 2005 1:45 AM

FW, I'm both honored that you mentioned me and a little surprised. Are you serious? Am I really the "only" person out there in Pokemon fanficdom who can seem to do a script decently? Over 11 and a half thousand of those fics exist on fanfiction.net alone, and likely thousands more on various other sites, and not one of them can seem to do a script correctly?

What especially makes this all seem shocking is that I personally don't find scripting that difficult to pull off. I mean, just look at my format, it shouldn't hard to remember how my formatting goes. 'Course, if it's a matter of detail, then it shouldn't be all super easy. You wouldn't want to slack on detail (which, from what I've heard, scripting has a reputation for), but the way I see it, it's simply a matter of slowly playing a movie out in your head, and jotting down not just what the characters say, but specific and somewhat important details like what's going on in the background or what's the character's current expression (and when picturing an anime, expression is really, really easy to notice).

If no one can seem to do what I do, just go off doing whatever's done in a chatroom, then I guess I can see why script is banned in so many places. It's a real shame because, when pulled off to the point that it doesn't look extremely lazy, script can have a real advantage over narration. From the reader's point of view, they don't have to read through paragraphs and paragraphs of rather pointless metaphors and expressions just to describe one scenery, and an image can be put very easily into their head (so many of my reviewers even say they can picture an anime). From the writer's point of view, they don't have to bother writing paragraphs and paragraphs of that stuff, and whatever they're picturing in their head, they can more directly put it on paper.

Geometric-sama January 7th, 2005 1:48 AM

Frosty? How about the grammatical mistake? (Couldn't find it XD)

Frostweaver January 7th, 2005 5:31 PM

-blah... I can't find it anymore... >>; I thought that I found one of those evil semicolons back then. Now I can't find it >>;

-new additoin to Frosty's review: the "good points" section, where it lists out things that you did well and a few main focuses to work on in the future... so now none of you can throw rotton tomatoes at me for saying that I am just plain mean ;p *hides behind anti flame and rotton vegetable-repellant shield*


@ Adventures in the Newfound Islands of Orre

-(note: I do not go "easier" on ratings because of age... I don't see why we "dumb down" stories for the sake of age which is a stupid number besides calculating tax benefits. Certainly I continue to point out areas to improve until the writer, regardless of age, reaches to a point of story writing that I prefer stories to be at, which is 80+ on my own scale. A writer shouldn't be upset at the mark, but rather use the mark to see how close you are to being a sucessful writer to one reviewer's eyes, or how good you are above the level of acceptance if you do get above a 'mark' of satisfaction. Now with that out of the way...)


-cliched titles... though title is meant to be informative, it shouldn't be a cliched title that can fit another story. Right now this title can fit any story that ever mentions Orre, so that's why the titles need to be improved. Try to think of a title that talks of an aspect of the story instead of plot.

-try to draw yourself away from the style of Pokemon in the Pokemon anime. Generally, fanfics written similiar to the anime are disliked because it's not original, as if it's a cheap ripoff of the anime.

-expand on your chapter as it's much easier to write a long fanfic that's good than a short fanfic that's good. Generally, 900 words and above is a good length for a narrative fanfic like this.

-add on character descriptions for your characters. Try to describe what they look like (physical description) and more importantly, emotional description. Through what a character do and say, along with the narrator commenting on what they think, talk about what a character is feeling about various of different things to make them more real and alive to the readers. You started doing that with Ash's feelings. Try to do that for the other characters, and expand this thought with detail too.

-whenever there is a new speaker, start a new paragraph for it. Also, insert a blank line in between new paragraphs to help with readability.

-don't try to throw a "list" in conversations or narratives. They're rather very boring so stay away from them... use conjunctions and "transitional phrase" along with varing sentence structures to avoid this problem.

-read the "read first" sticky in this forum for more coverups on how to improve your writing skills too. Don't give up on writing, as it does help you in school as well. Only by constant practice and getting advices from others can you ever improve in your writing.

3 Good points
-lack of grammar mistakes
-usage of spell checks/grammar checks... a good practice to keep that's often forgotton by many other new fanfic writers
-avoided the common traphole of having too many conversations as if it's a scriptfic but a narrative at the same time

Focuses to Work On:
-generally add on more descriptions/length
-try using different sentence structures
-increase readability by starting new paragraphs when there is a new speaker, and insert a blank line between paragraphs

Work on these focuses which are easier to work on for what you know so far. Ignore diction, tone, and structure for now as they are rather difficult to deal with. First work on these basics, then we'll move on to these advanced writing techniques.

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 8/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Structure: 8/20
Diction: 6/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0


Total: 55

Geometric-sama January 7th, 2005 5:37 PM

*giggles at the loss of the grammar mistake* Tee hee, you, uh, couldn't find the mistake. *should write another chapter of PF*

Dragonfree January 7th, 2005 5:42 PM

Frosty, I don't think you answered, sorry if you did... have you stopped reviewing The Quest for the Legends or are you just reviewing other fics for now?

Frostweaver January 7th, 2005 5:44 PM

I am as far behind schedule as barely on page 1 right now... >>;

;____;

(The Prize mark increased from 93 to 94, since grammar section got boosted from 9/10 to 10/10 instead due to the fact that somehow I couldn't find the grammar mistake anymore... well no point to leave the mark if it's proven the mark of only 9/10 is unjustified hmm?)

EDIT: sorry got the title mixed up with another fanfic on ffnet lol! and no, no extra points for that ;p)

Geometric-sama January 7th, 2005 5:47 PM

You mean "The Prize", right? Do I get an extra point for you getting the name wrong then? XD

Strawberry Delcatty January 8th, 2005 2:21 AM

Chapter 14 of Hoenn Mirror World is up. If you like the Code: Lyoko TV series, then you'll enjoy this chapter.

For those who go to PE2K and noticed a few changes in HMW (especially the part where Connie kicks Flannery in chapter 10, which wasn't there in the PE2K version), it's mainly because of the suggestions going around and the FAQ here. I'm trying to make HMW up to PokeCommunity standards. When I originally wrote this for PE2K, I try to get posts up on a daily basis, especially in the summer. Since everyone liked the idea of having daily updates for a fic, I try to have at least one post a day, but I do take a break for the readers to catch up. Obviously, I have no time to proofread, but I don't mind.

Here, however, a lot of the well known fan fic authors are rather too busy, so that's why I'm doing weekly updates so they can catch up.

I'd like to see you the original PE2K version of HMW that got famous, but there's the "no linking to other forums" rule. Plus, I don't want to risk spoilers. If you REALLY want to see it...

http://www.freewebs.com/lil_ida/pkmn.html

That's the section of my fan fiction site for my Pokemon fan fics. Not only you can check out Hoenn Mirror World, but you can check out some other fics as well.

Regardless, I hope everyone is enjoying Hoenn Mirror World. Only 13 more chapters of it to go!

Frostweaver January 8th, 2005 12:38 PM

@ The Engrove Challenge

-"this is what I got so far" is rather unprofessional for author's notes...

-"he, Brock, May..." is a poor sentence structure. I'm not sure if it's grammatically correct, and even if it is, it is a terrible way to word this sentence. Reword it to avoid pronouns leading off a chain of names/people.

-watch out for prepositions that are suddenly missing, like those "the"s

-use transitional phrases to link ideas together... currently I hardly see a connection between Falkner and Engrove Gym. Why are we suddenly jumping from Engrove Gym to Falkner protesting? Yes the ideas are somewhat related, but link these ideas together.

-use proper Pokemon terminology... such as Electric type not Thunder type. Fanfics do have their restrictions and limits.

-don't ever have a whole series of conversations as if it is a scriptfic. Though this seems to be only describing what the Pokemon anime is, but the Pokemon anime is not the most well-structured anime most of the time... try to stay away from the Pokemon anime style of writing for starters, as it's difficult to patch up all the flaws in the Pokemon anime

-also, whenever there is a new speaker talking, almost always is it a good idea to start a new paragraph for it.

-don't include any "irrelevant" plotlines that seem to actually take away from the story's ideas and main plot. The renting of the bikes is rather irrelevant unless you are going to expand and explain that part in further detail. Until then, take that part out.

-expand your story by adding descriptions and explanations. What is a character feeling? Why does s/he feel this way or why does something happen? You've started a little bit with Ash's excitement for this new gym, so let's keep doing that for everything you do.

-try to lengthen your story to roughly 900 words and above per chapter. Generally this is a good rule to follow to ensure that you got some descriptions in your story.

-read the sticky thread about writing a Pokemon fanfic as well

Good points
-start on explanations and descriptions
-included allusion to past events

Focuses to Work On
-further expand on the story with more explanations and descriptions
-add in characterization to each character
-avoid continous usage of conversations as if it is a scriptfic, and be sure to start a new paragraph along with a blank line whenever there is a new speaker talking

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 7/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 6/20
Diction: 7/20
Effort/Originality: 14/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0


Total: 51

Pidgeot500 January 8th, 2005 5:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
DO NOT look for good fanfics by the number of replies or views, as I certainly disagree that fanfics with lots of views/reviews mean it's a good story.

What about readership, as in, having many dedicated fans who anticipate the next release? As in, the story sticks in their head. That's really what I value foremost in a Pokemon fanfic, along with pure literary quality, but the two are incomparable IMHO. Are there any like that, especially?

Quote:

Out of my personal opinions, the best of the best in this forum so far are the ones I gave Standard of Excellence Award to on my own rating system. All of those fanfics utilizes a great variety of writing techniques and symbolisms in order to lead their readers into a new world of their own.
Thank you, I will look through those! Based on your reputation as a reviewer, I think these will have great literary quality...

Quote:

Another great fanfic that's out of PC but certainly deserves a whole lot of recognition is nevertheless classical Pokemon MASTERS by Acey, the first dark fiction for Pokemon. However he is no longer active and no longer writes, so the best you can do is to link to Acey's website which is dead but still online.
I'm reading it... I wish there was a topic somewhere on PC that I could comment on it at! Would it be OK if I just used this?

*spoilers for Pokemon MASTERS ahead*
When Misty poisoned Ash, my initial reaction was... another reason to hate Misty ;) (she being annoyed on the TV series and all). Why didn't Ash just torture her or poison her back, he's more powerful than her clearly. I know, I know, he'd never do anything to hurt her, nor she him except in semblance, and it is a plot device, but... that's what I hated most about The Stainless Steel Rat Sings the Blues.
Also, it'd been neat if, at that meeting with the other Masters, he'd ended, "All right, that's the plan. But just to let you know, once this is over and Misty removes the poison, I'm going to kill every last one of you." Of course, that would be what I'D have said if I was him simply because I vehemently dislike when a character with whom I sympathize succumbs to blackmail.
Overall the dark quality of the fanfic didn't strike me as especially more dark than other dark things I've read, but there was one line that really struck me, thought by the "brown-cloaked man" in chapter 6 I believe: "Then he too left the room, but in search of one of their captive women. Valdera always did that to him." Perverse enough that it took me a full quarter of a second to pick up on it, and that I only feel I can post it here because it's subtle enough that no one who "shouldn't" (in accordance with societal standards and PC content standards) know what it is, won't know what it is. :dead
I think that I will just make a section for "off-site" fanfics, and provide a link, genre, author, and description like I'm doing with the on-site ones.

Out of curiosity, it's mentioned on the site that it's (c) 1999-2000, but when did he actually first post it? Does anyone have a date? It just seems odd to think that, what with the diverse Pokemon communities that existed during the boom... Well, I suppose the heightened frequency of dark Pokemon fanfic may have to do with development of netculture, youth cultural emo integration, and fans growing up. But, is there anywhere I can find when Acey posted it?


Well, much reading ado... :rambo:

Jesus Freak Josh January 8th, 2005 6:22 PM

Just to let everyone know, Chapter three of "MissingNo - Evil Over - Ruler", will be delayed due to a week long trip.

Frostweaver January 8th, 2005 6:54 PM

In response to Pidgeot500:

Readership is completely unreliable, and should not be used as a method to determine what fanfic is worth praising

Allow me to explain why. Certainly excellent fanfics will immediately catch good reviewer's eyes, and so the readership will be high. That is true. However, what about the people who will say "this is very good I can't wait for the next update" to absolutely everything that is presented to them? Certainly anyone who cruises any board regarding any form of writing will come across this type of readers. Ask them why it's good, and they'll give you the most vague answer of "I like the plot." Certainly perhaps a plot that's identical to the anime may attract their eyes, but I really want to ask them how do they understand the plot when the work is not even spellchecked? Such readers will give a fanfic an unfair amount of readership. Dragonfree has once commented indirectly about this, which I heartily agree to. "How come some fanfics that aren't even readable has more replies and views than some outstanding fanfics here?" This is because of this type of readers. They either got a terribly low standard, or they will do anything to cheer a friend on. Feeling biased is unavoidable when reading the work of a friend, but to that extent is a bit unacceptable...


As for Pokemon MASTER, it is the first dark fanfiction, but not the darkest Pokemon fanfic. However, what determines a fanfic to be "darkest" is rather questionable as well. Codename ASHURA (hmm wonder where did they get that name?) is much "darker" as you can't find less than 3 swears on average in one paragraph, and someone dies in an instant every chapter (along with numerous cameo p.league/rocket grunts.) Certainly it's considered one of the most remarkable Pokemon fanfic as well, but does the heavy usage of constant profanity and/or death point determines the success of a dark fanfic? Certainly not! Pokemon MASTER prefers to rather paint a vivid mental image of our mind to tell us what is going on at every precise moments (well... every moment except the freeing of Misty's Bloodbond by Valdera and various things along that line.) It is first classified as "dark" because it is the first Pokemon story that involves massive amount of death (but not "spammed") along with various elements of life that we will never see in the Pokemon Anime, which is what most of the fanfics back then are like.

As for when Pokemon MASTER is published, it is first started in some sort of an email pokemon fanfic project... forgot the name. It was discontinued, then someone from that organization tried to restart the trend and did pay PC a visit, but then I haven't heard anything about it afterward. Later, due to the huge success of the first Pokemon fanfic that isn't a Pokemon-anime/school/romance fanfic favored by a lot of more mature audience, the website got started along with posting it in fanfiction.net.

<Pokemon MASTER spoiler alert>
















As for Ash's response, the story indirectly tells us why. True that Ash first followed Misty due to the bloodbond, but soon Ash's objective also changes to match those of the rebellion- crushing the Pokemon League. The 2 key events- Missingno in Mt.Moon along with opening the gates in Cerulean- have motivated Ash to follow the rebellion as they have the same objective.

Ash does not clearly overpower Misty's power, and in nowhere of the story is this suggested without Ash going into a berserk mode like what he has done in Lavender. We've seen Ash ruined by other Masters, such as Lara Laramie and Sabrina. Misty, also being a Pokemon master herself along the ranks of these other masters who have defeated/ruined Ash in the past, certainly stands a chance against Ash. Do not forget Valdera's prophecy that the power of light and shadow shall always remain equal. Misty being of the light side (due to her relationship with her "sister") is proven to be of an equal power to Ash if she ever allows that power to be unleashed to the fullest potential which she has never chosen to do, unlike Valdera and Ash.











<end spoiler>

Such is my defense for my near-perfect favorite Pokemon fanfic. =P

Jesus Freak Josh January 8th, 2005 7:10 PM

Hey Frosty, just so I know what a really good reviewer thinks of my fic (No I'm not trying to flatter you if that's what you're thinking), could you please give me a review?

Aiya Quackform January 8th, 2005 7:32 PM

Frostweaver, I would also like to request a review of my one-shot, "Into The Mud" when you get a chance. Oh, and you don't have to worry about reviewing those chapters I PMed to you, I finally got them the way I wanted. ^_^

Yamato-san January 8th, 2005 8:31 PM

Frostweaver, I can't agree more on the bit about readership being unreliable. If it's alright to say any names, I happened to read through a good portion of A Wonderful Journey and found it to be absolute kuh-rap. Despite the fact that this was obviously just another poorly-written anime/game rip-off only with a different region and a different team (Team Volt, with two constantly recurring members who end up becoming just as pathetic as Jesse and James), when I read through the thing, I saw reviewers who were praising it to death. WTF? And someone decided to nominate the character, Paul, for the Best Human Character Award on Serebii's Fall 2004 Fanfiction Awards. I've been observing Paul, and I saw absolutely nothing loveable about him. For that matter, there was so much lack in character development that everyone could suddenly get killed off and I doubt you'd miss any of them. Luckily, Paul didn't win that award in the end. Anyway, that's just one good example of how blind and misleading a fic's readership could be. And FW is right, the over-praising reviewers will only say it's good, keep up the work, I can't wait for more, blah blah blah, but they never say what's so good about it.

Strawberry Delcatty January 8th, 2005 8:40 PM

Perhaps they just like the thing as a whole. I often ask them about what they liked in my fics anyway. I appreciate all comments, whether big or small. I basically write just to show off ideas, which is really what fan fiction is all about. I'm sure that short comments can make an author's day.

Iveechan January 8th, 2005 9:38 PM

I guess nobody saw that update to my fic over a week ago o.o. I shall post chapter 4.5 then :D.

Pidgeot500 January 8th, 2005 9:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Readership is completely unreliable, and should not be used as a method to determine what fanfic is worth praising

Allow me to explain why. Certainly excellent fanfics will immediately catch good reviewer's eyes, and so the readership will be high. That is true. However, what about the people who will say "this is very good I can't wait for the next update" to absolutely everything that is presented to them? Certainly anyone who cruises any board regarding any form of writing will come across this type of readers. Ask them why it's good, and they'll give you the most vague answer of "I like the plot." Certainly perhaps a plot that's identical to the anime may attract their eyes, but I really want to ask them how do they understand the plot when the work is not even spellchecked? Such readers will give a fanfic an unfair amount of readership. Dragonfree has once commented indirectly about this, which I heartily agree to. "How come some fanfics that aren't even readable has more replies and views than some outstanding fanfics here?" This is because of this type of readers. They either got a terribly low standard, or they will do anything to cheer a friend on. Feeling biased is unavoidable when reading the work of a friend, but to that extent is a bit unacceptable...

I think it's true that there might be a certain element of readers/responders who have low standards, but if that's all, then wouldn't they equally be a bit or 'good' fanfics as well as 'bad' fanfics? Or you also mean to say that some random responders will browse through fanfics and respond more often to ones that have generic/recongizeable plotlines? In the case of the latter--especially with the attention span of the twenty-first century netizen in mind--the # of response might draw from a potentially larger personpool (too lazy to think of a better way to say that :\), but the readership won't increase. People will pass through, check something, maybe enjoy it a bit, but unless you're stipulating that there's a significant percentage of people who maintain a constant readership of cliche/poor fanfic but significantly less so of good/original fanfic...

...Well, I don't believe that's so. But if you say it is, I'll certainly believe you, since I've only been active in two fanfic forums, this one and one that died six years ago :(... I will say this. In my experience, a fanfic can have cliche plot elements, or even start out with a (seemingly) cliche plot, but also have something more to it, something that draws it readers and holds them and keeps them, something that develops over time and is recognizeable and is known in the hearts of readers, even those readers who are not so introspective as to be capable of answering much more than "I like the plot"...

Such is Hitmonchan's Diary, which starts off as what seems a great cliche, friends traveling and encountering the TR duo and Ash & gang, with certain bad guys doing bad guy stuff at times which the heroes foil/disrupt. But... well, actually, the first dozen chapters are pretty much cliche, but fun cliche, and the humor is brilliant as well in the initial few chapters, with the British Mewtwo, insane Clefairy and... well, other terrible stuff. Conversation really defines characters, people, situations however; I think the conversation is what really attracted people to the fanfic. Later on it gets somewhat dark, especially with the 'banned' chapter in which Stephen and Misty have to enter the temple with the ancient ghosts that feed on feelings, to fulfill the prophecy that requires emotional/spiritual cleansing through... uh, bad experiences. :\ And of course, the end is not proof that all's well that ends well. Because it doesn't end well, not very well at all in fact. The unfortunate thing is that quite frequently the fanfic should require spell-check/grammar check...But, people didn't/don't seem to mind, myself included, since it's very readable. Honestly, it does occur to me, when looking at it as you probably would, that the first 15 (out of 30) chapters are a good part cliche, and the rest aren't completely break-from-the-norm either I suppose. The sequel, Onix's Garden, however, is very much a well-written sci-fi/dark fic, and doesn't fall under cliche except in the most abstract ways I'd say. Too bad only seven chapters were written...

OK, before I began to rant about my own favorite fanfic, I was talking about... yeah, that. Readership. Fanfics I'd like to put on my page aren't necessarily ones with superb literary quality. If there's a few spelling errors but the content is noticeably enjoyable, that's all that's really necessary for me to want to have the privelege of hosting it, although I'd likely attempt to contact the writer and offer to proofread or help tidy up their work. But, aesthetically, I must say that I do find good writing to be intellectual stimulating, interestingly enough in such a way that discludes the use of comparative allegories... Which is part of why my mind is so very said to be unable to find any of the other great PokeGym work, like Zorak's bizarre/futuristic story he began, and Tyais's one-shot battlefics. Actually, I could probably message Tyais about those...

Ethically I should mention by now that over the course of writing this response attempting to defend readerships as being 'good' fanfic, I've only succeeded in realizing that I have low standards for fanfic. :surprised In which case, I'll just ask y'all to ignore everything I said about readership and just shift everything over to discussion of fanfics with literary quality... What can I say, I'm an emo kid at heart.

And as for your intelligent/observant comments on Pokemon MASTERS, I can only admit that your analyses are better than mine. :classic: Now, I'm off to read the next chapter... or go to sleep... or watch Saturday late night X-Files... hmm...

Neo Pikachu January 8th, 2005 10:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Yamato-san
Frostweaver, I can't agree more on the bit about readership being unreliable. If it's alright to say any names, I happened to read through a good portion of A Wonderful Journey and found it to be absolute kuh-rap. Despite the fact that this was obviously just another poorly-written anime/game rip-off only with a different region and a different team (Team Volt, with two constantly recurring members who end up becoming just as pathetic as Jesse and James), when I read through the thing, I saw reviewers who were praising it to death. WTF? And someone decided to nominate the character, Paul, for the Best Human Character Award on Serebii's Fall 2004 Fanfiction Awards. I've been observing Paul, and I saw absolutely nothing loveable about him. For that matter, there was so much lack in character development that everyone could suddenly get killed off and I doubt you'd miss any of them. Luckily, Paul didn't win that award in the end. Anyway, that's just one good example of how blind and misleading a fic's readership could be. And FW is right, the over-praising reviewers will only say it's good, keep up the work, I can't wait for more, blah blah blah, but they never say what's so good about it.


Dude, that ain’t funny. I know some people think your stuff is really good, but don’t go around and bash other people’s fan fictions just because you don’t like them. Plus, some of these guys are young, and have only just started writing their stories. If you kill their spirit to write now, they’ll probably throw away any hope of ever writing anything well ever again.

You know, people have a right to like and dislike what they want, and there’s nothing you can do but just keep on doing what you do best. But seriously dude, don’t kill an early writer’s spirit by outright gutting their fan fiction in front of everyone else. If you don’t like their fan fiction, that’s fine, but to the person who wrote it, it means something. You never know how much faith a person puts in their work, and if they had the guts to spend the time to write it out and make it the best to their ability, obviously it means something. I’ll admit, when I was young, I wrote like crap, but if someone had deliberately said that to my face, I think my writing career could have possibly been forever shattered. And as a little kid, you tend to take insults a lot more seriously.

And really, I know you’ve been talking about your fic a lot lately, and while some people may really like it, others really don’t care that much about it. But I’ve read what you posted, and I think we could both agree that it’s probably a little silly to call it the very zenith of Pokémon Fan Fiction. I like my work too, but they’re always someone out there that just has a knack for doing it better than anyone else, but still, I respect that.

Look, I definitely hope you keep on writing too, but don’t tear apart another person’s spirit for writing. Contrary to popular belief, words can be very powerful…

Frostweaver January 8th, 2005 11:32 PM

Rule of thumb in criticizing a fanfic: never state the title of the work, or else flame wars are bound to happen. Always follow this golden rule in the fanfic work unless you're giving a fanfic review for that particular fanfic, which of course you will mention the title of the work, or point out specifically whose writing you are talking about. Right now let's leave A Wonderful Journey and whoever wrote it aside before the mods get here. Though PC does have a reputation of being less strict in comparison to SPPF, PC surprisingly, does give out warnings regardless of its lax atmosphere and what the mods are in/capable of doing in the past.


Words are indeed very powerful, otherwise why do we care about the diction of a story? The precise choosing of words can have such dramatic effect on a story that it will distinguish a good fanfic with a cliche start apart from a poor fanfic with a cliche plot. The difference between the work of a good writer and the work of a bad writer is that a good writer can use the worst plot on earth and turn it brilliant through writing abilities, while a bad writer lacks the writing abilities and will turn the most original plot to trash. Sounds harsh, but it's the truth.

Look at "The Prize" in PC (the link to the story is in my signature) for example. Beyond doubt, the plot is beyond boring to the point of hypnotism, and it is incredibly pointless and unoriginal. The story goes nowhere at all, as the entire oneshot is about the same thing. The story doesn't even advance in pace at all! In blunt words, you can summarize the story in 4 words:

A Kirlia is dancing.

And that is the whole backbone structure of a fanfic. With such a boring and terrible plot backbone, how can this fanfic receive so many praises from the communtiy from all various types of people? This is because of the writer's writing ability. There is no dull moments within this fanfic, nor is it pointless or meaningless. Through the use of various literature devices and writing talents, the author succeeds in turning the most boring plot on earth into one of the most precise and beautiful Pokemon fanfiction ever.

On the other hand, you often hear some writers talk of "it will get better in the next chapter." These writers often talk of many brilliant promises, *especially* the future development of the plot. Well perhaps they do have brilliant ideas in their mind, but what good can that do if you see 12 different conversations in 14 lines worth of typing, all of them in the manner of "<4-5 word long pretty much meaningless except mentioning how there is a gym on the next island/region-like conversation>" said <insert anime character here repeatingly? Let all readers frown at such a horrid sight. Cliche plots do not make a fanfic terrible or not, but might as well associate cliche plots with bad fanfics if 97% of all cliche plots turn out bad. (this is mainly due to the anime influence, where all beginning writers mistaken the Pokemon world to have to be in this manner)

Conversations are indeed useful and are even necessary to some fanfics. However, what's the point of conversations if I can switch the lines of two characters around, and no one will notice the change? This means that either the characters are lacking in development, are cameo characters who appear for no more than 5 second, or the conversation is poorly written due to lack of tone, which is also related to diction and writing ability. Everything in a writing task relates back to one's writing ability, where it has almost infinite power in the world of writing.

Writing qualities do not limit a writer to just checking grammars. Why did Ash refer to Delia as "mom" and not "mother"? Why did the writer take this choice? Why is Pikachu always walking behind Ash in this fanfic and never mentoined to be on Ash's shoulder or anything like the anime? Such things which are unrelated to grammar are also part of a writer's writing skill, which is the only determining factor in what is a good and bad fanfic, for as proven already, a writer with immense writing ability can turn all tides around.

Good fanfics may not have a very good readership sometimes. Possibly the identity of a writer matters. Try to write about the benefits of democracy in a communist country (along with vice versa), and let's see your readership. Definitely, there will be some "influences." Also, length scares off a LOT of people. Pokemon MASTER got so many hits and is well famous for all writers, yet the number of reviews in fanfiction.net for the story only got 300 or so, and for a fanfic that has existed for 5 years going into its 6, that's pretty little. Ever considered that this is because Pokemon Master has half a million of words in length? This scary number will drive off a lot of readers.

Readership is rather unreliable in another possible way you look at it as a criteria for a good fanfic. A good fanfic can automatically prove itself to the world that it is good, regardless of whatever plot it is running out of.

Frostweaver January 9th, 2005 12:10 AM

@ The Quest for the Legends (ch.6)

-this writing style certainly irritates me... but so many filler dialogues that got no narration/description in between them ;_;

-very pleased to see a major improvement in terms of using what seems to be an irrelevant event to imply various things about characters and the story. I loved the important role the Pokeball played in this chapter, along with the ironic speech about pokemon training/pokeballs to Eevee. It's *almost* funny XD

-I am aware that you do play the Pokemon game up to a competitive battle enough to know calm mind as stat boosters, but this is a game vocabulary, not a fanfic vocabulary. It's not the proper choice of dictions here. Perhaps something like further boosting its strength instead of stats. The game and fanfic are related but not the same.

-it is very pleasing to see a battle that is not written for the sake of entertainment like what most action scenes are written for, but for the sake of characterization as well... very well done there.

-by far, best chapter out of Quest for the Legends so far

Good Points
-usage of Pokeball symbolism
-usage of dramatic irony
-the start of deeper character development

Focuses to Work On
-reduce the amount of "filler dialogues"
-be careful not to combine some aspects of the game with the fanfic, which do not work out in the end (such as the specialized game vocabulary)

Grammar Basics: 10/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 16/20
Diction: 15/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +5 (dramatic irony +2, contradiction, symbolism, unreliable narrator)


Total: 88

Still need to review HMW as well... but brb ^^;

Strawberry Delcatty January 9th, 2005 12:17 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Still need to review HMW as well... but brb ^^;

It's about time-nya. Meow.

Frostweaver January 9th, 2005 1:00 AM

Sorry la~ ^^;;

@ Hoenn Mirror World (up to ch.5)

-now I'll not bother mentioning the things that I've already discussed with you on MSN the other day ^^; no need to repeat them again

-watch out for "your" and "you're"... it's mistakes like this where I advice you to take the time to proofread, ignoring however your readers want you to update your story on a daily basis. These are silly mistakes which are obvious signs of lack of sufficient proofreading. Stopping the frequent updates should be well enough to cut this out.

-characters continue to suffer a terrible feature where you can flip their names around and you can't tell the difference; with Cascadia being the only one with slight differences due to her historical background as an Aqua Sorceress. Script/"Semi-script" fanfictions can still use a lot of characterization through dialogues.

-try to add more description to battle scenes than just mentioning the attacks somewhere and the result of the attack. What are the attacks like? Add some details to it. Many other fanfics in PC and certainly there must be a few in PE2K too that you can take a bit from. Neo-Pikachu and Iveechan excel the most out of all PC writers in terms of describing battling scenes (out of the ones I've seen so far).

-watch out for conflicting tenses where there are both past and present tenses in the same sentence for some oddball reasons... for the narration part, past tense seems the most fitting. Of course in dialogues, present tense should be dominating.

-considering using the prooper terminologies when dealing with scriptfic, such as a suliloquy, or an aside

-do NOT ever say in your narration something along the lines of "... refer back to chapter ____" as that is a very poor saying for the narrator... the narrator should be neutral in these moments, and the narrator is not a character who can suddenly flip from an annoucement to a sudden aside like that...

-even in scriptfics can there be transitions... just a lot harder to do (hence why scriptfic is generally discouraged everywhere.) Right now how the 2 team's leaders' appearances are rather awkward... try to link them up with the rest of the story.

Good Points:
-original ideas of the plot
-review/"glossary" to assist the reader in reviewing what happenined in previous chapters regarding original items, and some stats about the Pokemon
-a decent scriptfic attempt

Focuses to Work On:
-character/Pokemon development
-battle scenes enhancement
-try using transitions to link ideas together even if this is a script-hybrid
-do more proofreading by slowing down update a little (daily is just insane for PE2K)

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization:
13/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
12/20
Diction:
12/20
Effort/Originality:
17/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+0

Total: 71

Strawberry Delcatty January 9th, 2005 1:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-watch out for "your" and "you're"... it's mistakes like this where I advice you to take the time to proofread, ignoring however your readers want you to update your story on a daily basis. These are silly mistakes which are obvious signs of lack of sufficient proofreading. Stopping the frequent updates should be well enough to cut this out.

Yeah... lack of proofreading is the drawback of frequent updates...

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-characters continue to suffer a terrible feature where you can flip their names around and you can't tell the difference; with Cascadia being the only one with slight differences due to her historical background as an Aqua Sorceress. Script/"Semi-script" fanfictions can still use a lot of characterization through dialogues.

I originally planned to write some special "background stories" of the main characters, but I've never gotten around to it. I do explain a little of Mariah's past in chapter 12 and 16, and I'm hoping to get into further detail in their backgrounds in the sequel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-try to add more description to battle scenes than just mentioning the attacks somewhere and the result of the attack. What are the attacks like? Add some details to it. Many other fanfics in PC and certainly there must be a few in PE2K too that you can take a bit from. Neo-Pikachu and Iveechan excel the most out of all PC writers in terms of describing battling scenes (out of the ones I've seen so far).

I always had a feeling that the battles could be better...

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-watch out for conflicting tenses where there are both past and present tenses in the same sentence for some oddball reasons... for the narration part, past tense seems the most fitting. Of course in dialogues, present tense should be dominating.

Tense, tense, tense... Should've seen that coming.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-considering using the prooper terminologies when dealing with scriptfic, such as a suliloquy, or an aside

To be honest, that's what got me in trouble at Serebii. I tried to post a G/S/C spinoff where a Raichu invites her pals to a vacation. I used script terms like "cut" and "switch", and it ended up being locked by the time the story was in its second-to-last chapter. And that's for doing a TV style script. If I done something like a suliloquy, then I'd be hated for life. I'm sorry, but I really can't risk doing something like that unless it's a lovey-dovey scene and it actually fits the mood (not to mention that the "suliloquy" is from a geeky guy to attract a popular girl's attraction [An episode of Hi Hi Puffy Ami Yumi should sound familar to those who watch the show]).

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-do NOT ever say in your narration something along the lines of "... refer back to chapter ____" as that is a very poor saying for the narrator... the narrator should be neutral in these moments, and the narrator is not a character who can suddenly flip from an annoucement to a sudden aside like that...

Well, how else am I supposed to let the readers know about a character that appeared in an earlier chapter?

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
-even in scriptfics can there be transitions... just a lot harder to do (hence why scriptfic is generally discouraged everywhere.) Right now how the 2 team's leaders' appearances are rather awkward... try to link them up with the rest of the story.

Don't worry. That won't be the last time you'll see 'em. They'll be coming back in 8 (their Shadow counterparts), 9, 15, 16, 18, 20, 21 and briefly in 26. Despite their holding-up Mariah's mission, they're NOT the main villians in the fic. The main villian will be mentioned in chapter 17, but they won't meet him until 21.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Good Points:
-original ideas of the plot
-review/"glossary" to assist the reader in reviewing what happenined in previous chapters regarding original items, and some stats about the Pokemon
-a decent scriptfic attempt

I'm glad you like my ideas. As for the review/glossary, I've used that before in a Trainer fic that I've done. I no longer do those since I've started on HMW, though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Focuses to Work On:
-character/Pokemon development
-battle scenes enhancement
-try using transitions to link ideas together even if this is a script-hybrid
-do more proofreading by slowing down update a little (daily is just insane for PE2K)

Nobody never pointed out those back in PE2K. Well, one person pointed out the tenses, but that was minor in his eyes. Oh, well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization:
13/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
12/20
Diction:
12/20
Effort/Originality:
17/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+0

Total: 71

I was hoping for a slightly better score...

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/pkrs241.gif I don't know. It's better than your test scores in your chemistry class.

Hey, what are you doing here?! Shouldn't you be back at PE2K? And how did you know about my test scores?!

http://www.pokemonelite2000.com/pkrs241.gif What? Can't I drop by to see how you're doing here? As for that last question, you didn't think that I can't peep in your backpack?

*knocks Meowth to the side* Please ignore that.

Yamato-san January 9th, 2005 2:42 AM

maybe I shouldn't have said names.... too late now. Anyway, in case you all forget, I'm the type of person who would gladly accept any type of criticism, good or bad, just as long as it gets its point across. With such criticism, I would be able to improve on my own writing style.

I didn't intend to shatter anyone's dreams (I think A Wonderful Journey has been discontinued anyway), and if anything, I think that writers with a bunch of blind followers for their fanbase need to hear a little negative criticism for their own good. What do you think is more likely to improve a writer's skills? A harsh, but far, analysis of a few of the many mistakes that are made in the writer's fic? Or a bunch of mindless zombies constantly giving reviews that're no further indepth than "It's good, give me more"? It doesn't matter if you think a person is young and only recently started out. If someone new wrote a steaming pile of **** that doesn't even compare to the stuff that Mr. Catdog parodizes, do you think they're deserving of any praise? You may be right about newbies being psychologically fragile, but you can't be extremely soft with them either. You gotta at least get it through to them what they're doing wrong. Otherwise, we're gonna end up with a thousand fics that're nothing more than a playing log of a person's Ruby/Sapphire data.

Dragonfree January 9th, 2005 7:16 AM

Whee! Frosty liked it! :D

Anyway, I'm glad you're liking the character development, which is starting to kick off now. I'll work on the filler conversations, and remove the reference to stat boosters. ^^; I've been fixing up chapters one and two lately; I'll probably move on and touch up chapters three and four and then go on to finish revision ILCOTEM (I've Lost Count Of Them Even More).


As for "A Wonderful Journey"...

When I was seven, I wrote a story about a horse.

I showed it to my mom, and she laughed a bit at the idiocy of the plot. No matter how she tried to convince me that she was really just laughing because it was so lovely, she had told me what she was laughing at earlier so she didn't fool me.

I went into my room in a fuss, wrote the rest of the story, a sequel, and kept writing stories. Ever since that moment, I had a blatant phobia of letting anybody see my stories. I turned the monitor off when somebody walked past while I was writing, just so they couldn't read it. I wrote little stories for school, but that was all and I didn't show them to anybody at home either.

Then I got into Pokémon, wrote an absolutely nonsensical fic, discovered that I wasn't the first person who discovered writing about Pokémon, and started writing the horror that was the original Quest for the Legends. My favorite website had a "submit fanfics" section, and I decided to send it in. Unfortunately, I had problems e-mailing the webmaster and I never sent the story. Then I got my own website, and put it there. I was twelve, and it was the first time since I was seven that I had the courage to show my writing to the public.

Much, much later at the Pokémasters forums...

I discovered the Fan Fiction forum, and started posting a fic called The Second Clone, just testing the water for The Quest for the Legends. I was encouraged, but also given helpful criticism. I discontinued The Second Clone due to writer's block, and nervously started posting The Quest for the Legends as a new revision called the UMR. It didn't get beaten down, but again, I got helpful pointers. And I started realizing, finally at the age of thirteen, that maybe it was good to get criticism. From seven to twelve, I never showed my writing to anybody, as a result of one laugh at my earliest work. Of course I laugh at it now too. But it was enough to make me feel like asking people what they think was something you shouldn't do.

Basically, that's a possible result of being discouraged when you're young. Of course I like any criticism that's thrown at me now, but it took me a good five years to realize that I could show my work to the public without having everybody laugh at me. Reviews should point out bad and good points in equal amounts. And if there are no good points, at least don't actually say "this fic is crap"; just "Work on this and that" without actually giving anywhere a final conclusion of how good it is.

Aiya Quackform January 9th, 2005 2:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dragonfree
Ever since that moment, I had a blatant phobia of letting anybody see my stories. I turned the monitor off when somebody walked past while I was writing, just so they couldn't read it. I wrote little stories for school, but that was all and I didn't show them to anybody at home either.

I totally get that, Dragonfree! I'm not saying I have a phobia like yours, but I never let anyone see my work before it's finished. Even when I do finish my work, I get nervous letting people see if for the first time. Because, before anyone else reads it, this story and these characters have been my own private thoughts. Letting someone else read it is like letting them read my diary in a way. Of course I get over that soon after letting others read it.

But the point is, no matter how bad a fic may seem to us, it means something to its author. Attacking their story is, in effect, attacking them. I well know that often firm advice and constructive critisism is needed, but seasoning it with salt does a world of good.

If I may, I will quote a scripture from the Bible since it applies so very well:
As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it. - Proverbs 25:11

Yamato-san, I think the way you handled the way others were correcting you very well. Let's not forget that the person we are really shines through, not when things go right, but in the way you handle things that go wrong.

Frostweaver January 9th, 2005 4:45 PM

@ Trial of Juno (up to ch.12)

-grammar mistakes somehow seem more common now, especially with strange run on sentences... but relatively a minor error

-"could" and "was" are switched around somehow at random times. Watch out for the definition of these two words.

-Alex's flip-flop character is rather awkward and doesn't contribute to the hard-earned realistic atmosphere that Trial of Juno has built up... one moment he was totally on Jake's side, and the next second, he joined David in battling Randy. At least add an transition or a small event that trigger such a change like that... biggest flaw in ch.6-12.

-"I didn't feel right by leaving Alex and David behind, but I didn’t feel right about staying in this deserted city." Using 2 "didn't feel right" seems to be a bit repetitive... try to use different sentence structures. Hard and difficult to do, but do try. I remember how I slipped up on that one too in my own story using quickly 2 times in the same sentence.

-though I succeeded in thinking of a reason why Coldblood is superior over Black, Depression and various former allies of Jake (or maybe I am wrong by thinking of something totally off track, but at least I got an answer that satisfies myself,) really readers shouldn't have to figure out this important aspect of the story. What made Coldblood's power work while the power from the earlier help didn't? Should really explain that, and it shouldn't be hard at all. I thought of a few options already... certainly you can too.

-another confusing factor is the real Juno... in a world where Randy can do anything, how come he didn't go and capture Juno? Also where's all of his older Pokemon like Spike? Coldblood could have thrown in a few extra lines in his dialogue to explain these things...

-when Jake/Juno have to battle the Nidoking himself, that part is rather really awkward... it contradicts the fact that he must try to preserve his strength and keep his new powers a secret until the final battle against Randy. Not a major flaw though, as a simple line of "no one is watching anyway, so Randy wouldn't know of this" or something along that line is enough... you did state the first half, but not the other half... shouldn't be a hard thing to fix.

Good Points
-a thrilling plot that easily hooks the reader to read on forward
-highly realistic
-excellent battle scenes
-Jake/Juno's character description, and the constant conflicts within his own mind

Focuses to Improve On
-explaining various concepts that are easily overlooked by some readers, but not to some others
-reduce the amount of run on sentences
-coherence in characters

Similiar in types of Iveechan's fanfic, a fantastic story that is easily enjoyable to many for a great source of entertainment with a fantastic plot.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization:
16/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
18/20
Diction:
16/20
Effort/Originality:
20/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+3 (irony and dramatic irony +3)

Total: 90 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}


Similiar in types of Iveechan's fanfic, a fantastic story that is easily enjoyable to many for a great source of entertainment with a fantastic plot. Just don't think too hard about the story and the story will be terribly enjoyable XD;

Neo Pikachu January 9th, 2005 5:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
@ Trial of Juno (up to ch.12)

-Alex's flip-flop character is rather awkward and doesn't contribute to the hard-earned realistic atmosphere that Trial of Juno has built up... one moment he was totally on Jake's side, and the next second, he joined David in battling Randy. At least add an transition or a small event that trigger such a change like that... biggest flaw in ch.6-12.

I tend to have a bit of trouble keeping supporting characters on the same track, since more of my focus is placed on the protagonist and the antagonist and the overall flow and theme of the story. I think I’ve improved on that with more of my recent writing, but nonetheless, it’s a good point to keep in mind.

Quote:

-"I didn't feel right by leaving Alex and David behind, but I didn’t feel right about staying in this deserted city." Using 2 "didn't feel right" seems to be a bit repetitive... try to use different sentence structures. Hard and difficult to do, but do try. I remember how I slipped up on that one too in my own story using quickly 2 times in the same sentence.
Meh, my biggest writing weakness shows up yet again. I’ll definitely make sure that happens as little as possible in the future, since it’s been one of my biggest problems in writing, and not just writing stories. Again, proofreading will definitely help, something I have pushed myself to do a lot more.

Quote:

-though I succeeded in thinking of a reason why Coldblood is superior over Black, Depression and various former allies of Jake (or maybe I am wrong by thinking of something totally off track, but at least I got an answer that satisfies myself,) really readers shouldn't have to figure out this important aspect of the story. What made Coldblood's power work while the power from the earlier help didn't? Should really explain that, and it shouldn't be hard at all. I thought of a few options already... certainly you can too.
Hmm, I was hoping this was clear enough. The necklace from Black and the ring from Depression were physical items, things that could be destroyed with the power of Randy’s necklace. However, Coldblood’s power prevailed over those two since his gift involved the mind and Jake’s imagination, something Randy could not touch. Because of it, Jake now has the power to exploit an oversight made on Randy’s behalf.

Quote:

-another confusing factor is the real Juno... in a world where Randy can do anything, how come he didn't go and capture Juno? Also where's all of his older Pokemon like Spike? Coldblood could have thrown in a few extra lines in his dialogue to explain these things...
Heh, Randy’s head has gotten too big in this situation. In truth, he doesn’t see them as valuable anymore, since he’s got the power to have any Pokémon he wants. In that case, why have a worthless Nidoran or a Pidgey when you can have something even bigger and better at your fingertips? In this case, Randy also loses sight of his past desires, including the desire to have his own Pikachu named Juno. The fact that Jake will stand before him as he takes Juno’s place will remind Randy of what he used to seek, but has suddenly abandoned (also the reason why the real Juno was “too far underground and too far away” as Coldblood explains).

Quote:

-when Jake/Juno have to battle the Nidoking himself, that part is rather really awkward... it contradicts the fact that he must try to preserve his strength and keep his new powers a secret until the final battle against Randy. Not a major flaw though, as a simple line of "no one is watching anyway, so Randy wouldn't know of this" or something along that line is enough... you did state the first half, but not the other half... shouldn't be a hard thing to fix.
It basically is a warm up and shows what Jake is now capable of. Again, Randy never sees Juno until the moment the meet up and confront each other, so he never sees the battle take place.

Quote:

Similiar in types of Iveechan's fanfic, a fantastic story that is easily enjoyable to many for a great source of entertainment with a fantastic plot.
Well, I’m glad you like it, but honestly I think my writing has gotten even better since I’ve written this. Still, I highly appreciate the feedback you’ve given me. It’s not only helped with fan fiction writing but with a lot of my school essays as well (especially the notes on word redundancy). Again, I can’t thank you enough.

Aiya Quackform January 9th, 2005 7:00 PM

I was over at FFnet just a minute ago and noticed that several PC members have posted their fics there. I was thinking that it might be fun, and helpful, to have a PC C2 Community. That way all of the better PC stories could be showcased and advertised. Any thoughts?

Strawberry Delcatty January 9th, 2005 7:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aiya Quackform
I was over at FFnet just a minute ago and noticed that several PC members have posted their fics there. I was thinking that it might be fun, and helpful, to have a PC C2 Community. That way all of the better PC stories could be showcased and advertised. Any thoughts?

I'm not sure. From what I've been hearing, FF.net is competative. I wouldn't know it for myself since the fic I put up there never got reviewed. I ended up taking it off at the end.

Then again, I think I should think about going back there.

Onimusha January 10th, 2005 8:43 AM

Well, I guess (since it seems all I have to do is ask) I'd like frostweaver to give me some insight/a review of "The Power Within".

Link in my sig

Frostweaver January 13th, 2005 1:21 AM

Wrote a whole analytical essay (pretty much) on the true definition of what a good fanfic is capable of doing, and analyzing what makes it so wonderful from what a good fanfic can teach us all...

I strongly suggest all to read it... but beware of time as the document is 26000 characters long ^^;;

Complete Analysis of Frosty's favorite PC Fanfic- Reflections

Strawberry Delcatty January 13th, 2005 6:32 PM

@[email protected]

No offense, Frosty, but...

I tried to endure the fact that it's a long post, but after the first four paragraph, my eyes had enough.

And I like the way I write my fics, but that's just me.

Pidgeot500 January 13th, 2005 7:01 PM

I finished the Pokemon MASTER story. It's a story that I have quite a few comments/opinions about, but I almost fear that if I wrote it all out, not only would be people be annoyed at the length and irrelevance, but it could be classified as spam. :P So just a few brief comments that I feel I can make. The last chapter was incredible, makes other chapters pale in comparison. I thought it was a good fanfic but not necessary what I admire in a Pokemon fanfic (which is why I am thinking of making a topic asking that, actually). I think it reminded me a lot of the Wheel of Time series and I wondered if the author had read that. I also thought that maybe the author would have made a better story if he'd tried to make it his own fictional universe and not include all these characters from the anime. Speaking of those characters, I also thought at times that these well-defined characters were wasted in their current roles (and for brevity's sake I just deleted a very long paragraph elaborating on that statement). Something things seemed a bit rushed as well, and not dwelt upon as much as they should've, like the Bruno/Lorelei/JT scene, except in the last chapter which was near immaculate in that respect IMHO. Also it was clear at times that the author didn't plan out the entire story ahead of time, which I have no problem with and is often how I write my stories of course, but most notably Duplica's lewd behavior towards people, especially Ash, in the first portion of the story seems inappropriate given later revelations. Oh, and I voted Sabrina as the coolest character (dyuh) with Valdera an unvoted close second, and Light as the coolest element (especially given that Valdera turned to be quite cooler than I thought, the latter chapters making her less of a 1D Lanfear-type), and chapter 11 as coolest chapter because I couldn't vote for chapter 13 but I know that the chapters got better as they went along. =) (Note: if you accept that what I just typed counted as was "brief" comments, I'm sure you realize now that it was a good call for me not to elaborate ;) Good thought-provoking story, though.)

Strawberry Delcatty January 14th, 2005 4:21 PM

Chapter 15 of Hoenn Mirror World is up.

Just a quick note, after this chapter, all the other chapters of HMW will be left intact except for fixing a few grammatical errors that I might've missed. A couple of chapters (10 and 15 come to mind) had some stuff edited to cope with th PC's standard. For example, Connie didn't kick Flannery in the PE2K version, she just bumped into her. Another thing that irked me was that the dialogues "being more descriptive". No offense to the person who brought that up, but that's one of the many reason's way I ended up getting in trouble at Serebii. To them, stuff like "CHARACTER: [really long action] <line...>", isn't appropiate for a fan fic, so I had to leave the actions in the narratives. That was really helpful to me, but I'm just afraid of getting in trouble again.

Also, I like my present way of writing. It may have some things that may irk people, but you either get used to it or totally reject it.

Either way, from this point on, all of HMW's chapters (except for grammar errors and such) will be identical to it's PE2K counterpart.

Miyu-chan January 14th, 2005 4:36 PM

Errr... I have posted my first pokemon chapter fanfic, with the prolouge up. xD; Link -> http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=27901 My idea for this should be posted somewhere way back in this thread. o.o;

Frostweaver January 15th, 2005 12:42 AM

going to have *very little* or just no fanfic reviews at all for 2 weeks or so due to the upcoming midterm exam period... so wait patiently? ^^;


@ Rocks

-first punctuation there should be a semicolon I *believe*... not 100% sure. Some people say that a good way to check if you want the semicolon or the comma is to see if what is to follow the punctuation a complete phrase (which you'll want to use the comma then) or an incomplete sentence (which you'll want the semicolon.) However there are some cases which aren't defined by that rule... semicolon is just evil

-you need "nevertheless" after the first "but" for reasons unknown besides the guy who invented nevertheless... you need it just because you do need it =/ Yes English sucks...

-some more incomplete sentence or phrases that are lacking the transitional term... watch out for that.

-Jessibelle is still OOC even though she is suppressive against James... she abuses James in a way where her tone of voice and dialogues do not say things such as "... or else." Even in the dub of Holy Matrimony, Jessibelle's terror is shown implicitly, not explicitly like what is going on here. James is well done though.

-haha cute rewrite of a predictable story... the small symbols that run through the story is pretty cute too ^^ A short yet enjoyable read. Nothing much to comment on really (well that always happens in any of my review if the mark is above 80... lol)

Good Points
-rewriting a classical (also easily a boring) plot into an enjoyable read
-tone of voice
-story coherence in plot and structure

Focuses to Improve On
-grammar, especially with missing transitional words
-tone of voice for characters who shows their character rather implicitly
-coherence in personality for static characters

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization:
16/20
Coherence/Readability:
10/10
Tone/Structure:
17/20
Diction:
16/20
Effort/Originality:
15/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+1 (symbolism)

Total: 82

Lily January 15th, 2005 9:19 AM

82?! o_O;

...I thought maybe 6 something. I typed it up in 15 minutes for crying out loud. ;_; I thought per chance Jessibelle....wait, never mind. I kind of compared her to the real Misty, as in the violent one, considering I get confused with all female characters with Misty...I thought it was too meaningless. =/ Now let's see a Lily's opinion of a good story get a 50 here. ^^

Frostweaver January 15th, 2005 11:25 AM

lol... the truth is that I don't like it ^^; but then even if I want to give it a low mark, I do need to find the excuses for the deductions hmm? =p

The ratings are mainly only to improve your writing ability, and no way can it really help you write a "better" story. Surely I can teach you various writing techniques or talk of different styles to assist you, but in the end, you'll have to do it yourself.

Strawberry Delcatty January 21st, 2005 12:59 PM

READING/REREADING LIST
-Ties of Water and Fire
-Pocket Monster Chronicles
-Trials of Relunctance (when the latest chapter gets up)
-Anything else that seems interesting

Also, I'll have the next chapter of HMW up sometime today. ^.^

Frostweaver January 21st, 2005 9:12 PM

@ Missing a Piece of Christmas

-a note, not a mistake: Misty's official last name is not Waterflowers. Feel free to assume that as the last name, but do not ever call that official. Waterflower is used as a noun, not as the last name (ex: "Miyu Chan and Lilypichu? They're Americans." Miyu Chan and Lilypichu do not have the same last name, nor are their last name "American.")

-err... "marving?" o.o; check grammar/spelling please. Spell check work wonders. Also, it is "how much he had improved" not has... be careful not to flip your tenses around like that.

-watch out for run on sentences that aren't necessary for emphasize... check if you got a verb in every phrase

-a line seperation would have been very nice before the POV shifts back to Brock/Misty again, and before Misty goes off to find Ash

-slightly awkward to see Misty's quick change in emotions from seemingly violent to being so kind/sweet with the present

As for improvements on the story's structure that you can make...
-since setting plays probably the most important part in this story, the setting (especially time, and if it's snowing or not) should be mentioned asap.

-safe to say that almost all shipping stories play heavily on emotions. Personally expanding on Misty's worry about angering/upsetting Ash will probably improve the story a bit

-diction can use a bit of rearrangement or change... to call Ash's father "lost" inside the snow has already revealed the fact that he won't come back. This weakens the rest of the flashback as we already know what is going on. Changing lost to something else should cure this problem

-The incomplete phrase after "the kitchen household" can be taken out for emphasizing purposes. Writing it out actually did the reverse of lowering the tension. (and that phrase itself should be reworded as well... most important ideas almost always come last in a sentence. Therefore, the order should be talking about the pokeballs first, then Ash's father, as the lost of his father affects Ash far more than losing his first opportunity to get a Pokemon)

-"restored" is a better term than "found" on the last paragraph

Good Points
-simple, short, precise and sweet
-emotions are well explained
-original plot

Focuses to Improve On
-grammar check
-better usage of story breaks
-diction/structure

An excellent first attempt on a Pokemon fanfic

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization:
15/20
Coherence/Readability:
8/10
Tone/Structure:
16/20
Diction:
13/20
Effort/Originality:
19/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+2 (symbolism, allusion)

Total: 80

Miyu-chan January 22nd, 2005 5:32 PM

Thank you for the critism. =3 Hmmm.... looking back at some mistakes that you pointed out... I can't believe I did that. o.o; And I also can't believe that my computer spell check didn't point out 'marving'... *sweatdrop*

Thanks, it's just great that someone pointed out my mistakes, that way I'll remember not to make them next time. n_n;

Strawberry Delcatty January 23rd, 2005 4:21 PM

Chapter 16 of Hoenn Mirror World is up.

I'm thinking about making a bit of a revision of HMW after I get all the chapters up. I've already done it with the first chapter (it WAS rather rushed, after all). If you don't mind, can someone give some honest opinions (good or bad) about the revised first chapter?

Pidgeot500 January 23rd, 2005 9:48 PM

Hey, I'm planning on making a fanfic (working title being "Rogue Trainer" because I'm pretty sure that'll attract the interest of people just randomly browsing the forum), and I'm testing out a methodology in which I define/outline the characters and the initial time/place before writing the first chapter.

I have a certain character in mind. She won't come into the picture until much later. (Her character is already fairly defined because she was in a poorly-written Pokemon fanfic that I wrote five years ago.) Her shoulder-length, sheer thin-framed crescent-wreathed styled deep azure hair rests across her face, which, though calm and serene, is filled with a quiet kind of energy. She wears cargo jeans at the time she enters the story, but there's also a specific kind of... t-shirt, I believe, that she wears as well. It's... well...

I can picture it clearly in my mind but don't know the name for it. Maybe I would if I was female or interested in fashion, but sadly I am neither therefore... I have no idea what one calls this.

However, I can attempt (and fail, likely) to describe it. It's made of a thin material, almost like what a scarf is made of, but not transparent, and less than translucent. It's vaguely in the shape of a t-shirt, with very short, almost sleeveless (not quite; it covers the shoulders decently enough) "arms", and it can often seem a bit crinkled. I've seen it somewhat often IRL and have always thought it looked quite fashionable on women; I've usually seen it on thin, petite women, as it looks better on such I suspect. It can be button-up, I recall seeing it with buttons, in fact I suspect that it is always button-up because the material might tear if it was put on conventionally; the fit is loose but the size is quite close to the skin I suspect and difficult if not impossible to remove without unbuttoning. Often it's cut to allow visibility of the neck, but never anything lower than that--it seems a very professional article of clothing IMHO.

Can anyone tell me what I'm thinking of? Maybe direct me to a picture on Google Image Search so I can verify it? Is there a conventional way of describing what I'm picturing in my head? It's kind of silly but I feel like it's important for me to get this right, so I can convey the character correctly.

Thanks

Edit: Lack of response indicates that either everyone hates me or no one has any idea what I'm talking about. (Or few people visit this topic on Mondays.) Can anyone recommend to me a place where I might ask this question (and be more successful in finding an answer)?

Miyu-chan January 25th, 2005 6:46 PM

I've read your post, but I have no idea what you're talking about, lol. xD;;; You can sheck some female fashion magazine though... Or go to their websites, like CosmoGirl, Seventeen, etc.

Frostweaver January 25th, 2005 6:48 PM

Keep in midn that hardly anyone uses the fanfic lounge besides me XD; (exams until Thursday ;_; then it's finally over la~)

I'll say that you should PM Jedi Amara and ask her about it... she excels in describing things ^^; possibly she can help you?

Pidgeot500 January 28th, 2005 6:29 AM

Thank you, I have sent her a PM and am probably going to spend more time browsing the net over the weekend. :)

Aiya Quackform January 28th, 2005 3:34 PM

Chapter 4 of "The One Drop" is up. It has a lot of my favorite character, Atzie, in it. I'd really appreciate some reviews on it!

Geometric-sama January 29th, 2005 4:30 AM

As I PMed back, I'm not sure but the only thing I can think of is a poncho - I'm a little distracted right now, having just dropped my entire GC fansite into the wrong folder on the server o_O

Flatulus January 29th, 2005 12:30 PM

I posted the first Chapter of my first fan fic last night, it's called 'Destiny of Understanding', and I really need to know whether I'm on the right track to writting a reasonable fan fic... please can someone help me by pointing out ever mistake I've made so far, so as to help me make it a better fan fic.

Miyu-chan January 29th, 2005 12:57 PM

I'm going to try to update my fanfic - Ties of Water and Fire once a week from now on. n_n;

Chapter 3 is up, BTW. ;D

Strawberry Delcatty January 30th, 2005 1:13 AM

Chapter 17 of Hoenn Mirror World is up.

Just wondering, but how is everyone liking the story so far? I know it isn't much of fan fic of the week material here, but I hope you guys like it. ^_^;

Geometric-sama January 30th, 2005 2:52 AM

While we have all these people here promoting their fics, can I push my new ones too? XD "Ridiculous" and "Letters From Amy" - links in my sig :P

Frostweaver January 30th, 2005 9:07 PM

@ Final Fantasy-Pokemon Crossover (both parts)

-sorie if ths rview gto bad tpyos bceause Froyst's eeys burned deu to no blank lines between paragraphs... ekees!

-title needs to be worked on... that is only the genre of the fanfic, and really should not be used as the fanfic title =/ Don't get the genre and the title mixed up!

-grammar mistakes that you already know about... just watch out for them. Also, be careful of suddenly missing the "the"s for no reason. Can *really* use the grammar check function though... I open up the documents on my MSWord and out pop all those green lines o.o;

-story cutlines are sometimes placed in awkward positions... for example, the first cutline in part 2 after Lady Dominique's warning and Andy getting up to eat are rather *highly* related along the same line, making the cutline rather unnecessary...

-at least a good 95% of the time, all casual conversations use present tense ^^

-the whole background story about dream stones can very well become an interlude itself... or cut the story there to flip the POV around so you have more flexibility and control over the story. Right now you have an insane amount of conversations already that you seriously need to value every opportunity you got to turn some of those conversations into narrations. o.o;

-the whole idea about Mewna being able to "see" what is inside a dreaming stone that isn't hers is very vague... it's contradicting itself in the sense that she cannot remember the dream yet she knew that she is seeing the recorded memory inside the dreaming stone... I think that I know what you're trying to say, but you'll have to watch your diction really carefully there. Right now as it stands, that part of the story is very confusing.

-watch out for "your right" and "you're right"

-I didn't like the Journey Sphere being readable by others too much... it doesn't make some of the more intimate thought reasonable to be recorded in a "public diary." It's probably better if say only the viewer can view it again, or the 4 of them each has their own sphere. It's really against logic right now regarding what some of the entry says... for example, technically Jake's distrust towards Andy will be made very obvious (to the point of "literal") if the sphere's records can be viewed by Andy. It's just not a very sensible and logical thing to do...

-sorry for such a brief review but this thing is a bit too long for me to re-read for 2nd/3rd time like all the other fanfics...

Good Points
-concepts from both FFX/X-2 and Pokemon are incorporated nicely *best part*
-good battling descriptions

Focuses to Improve On
-grammar and story readability
-confusing usage of diction at times
-try to have less conversations in your story to balance out the narration and dialogue, especially with the "filler lines" which are rather useless and acts unnecessary length to your story (such as the bird/bird singing scene)
-character relationships are shown, but besides Jake it's always literal (as in, said out loud or just recorded in the Journey Sphere). Try to expand on character relationships indirectly.

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization:
16/20
Coherence/Readability:
7/10
Tone/Structure:
14/20
Diction:
14/20
Effort/Originality:
18/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+1 (minor-satire)

Total: 77

Frostweaver January 30th, 2005 11:16 PM

@ Trials of Reluctance (lost count for the amount of chapters reviewed)

-somehow once again the anime-styled anime plot actually caught my attention, regardless of how often I dreaded anime plot as usually they're poorly done... a few moments I actually chuckled a bit (Go Gabby Go XD!)

-the whole whirlpool incident can be expanded a bit though... a bit rushed at a few places, such as dealing with the hypocrisy of the town

-the author's note explanation about "possible" reasons why May contradicted herself to go on a journey should be explained directly/indirectly in the story really... even if they're just "possible" reasons, they should at least be hinted/supported from Part 1

-watch out for unneeded incomplete sentences... or periods and commas being flipped around.

-a bit *too unreal* to have Wally's parents not doing anything at the point of Wally losing consciousness... that's a bit too far in "learning self independence" o.o; better to have them entering the scene along the same time as Norman to fit logic a bit better

-using the TMs on the spot as if it's worked by words alone is also a bit awkward...

-*rofl* That magma grunt and Brendan are just masters at puns and irony XD

-watch out for repeating what you've said... like stating how Brendan's pumped in the narration, then next line Brendan claims that he's now pumped.

-remember that possessive pronouns need the funny ' sign =p

-also, beware of random capitalization ^^;

-(comment: I understood the "aura thing" without any difficulty at all myself... ah must be influences from Pokemon MASTER who did the same thing in a way pretty much ^^ As for Roxanne, I thought that the annoying teacher attitude suited her manga counterpart, amplified for comedical and antongistical reasons ^^)

-50% stronger not 1.5% ^^; or 150% percent of the original power... but either way you look at it, not 1.5%

-hmm i didn't find it as smooth as all the other parts of the story to see "inside Mia's thoughts" and etc... leaving that bracket out will actually be even better as it will not only be Mia's but also younger May's thoughts as well (aka doubling your scores with the character development department)

-just a question type of thing... I'm all ok about Alia being capable of making witty comebacks due to superior AI, but how does Alia know when to comment on something that's purely visual like Brawly's "signature move?" =p Don't tell me the pokedex got a 3rd eye o.o;

-a few confusing usages of pronouns are also present... such as a "she" mixing Mia up for May

-btw... I just thought of it now as I see Steven, but is the allusion of Daigo being Steven's japanese name intended? ^^; Daigo is Steven's japanese name... so yeah

-hmm why not use the manga's setup for some of the bad guys anyway? If this is to take a few things from the manga as well... however you choose it though. Either way works for me.

-*rofl* Briney is too right about DoaV XD

-I'm terribly upset that there are no shroomish-mario jokes... I mean, that was very disappointing ;_;

-a bit loss on numel and electrike until the author's notes section... can use a *lot* more clarification on their appearance really

-it's 2 o'clock and the 4 hour fanfic marathon must be put on a halt until tomorrow morning where I shall continue with another 4 hours of intense reading ^^

Isaac Gravity January 31st, 2005 12:01 PM

(Blinks) Don't know what to say really... Yeah, I suck at most points... (Especially at grammatical flaws. Curse New York's shoddy public school system!) I will consider the bracket thing since in when I post in ff.net the brackets don't appear anyway.

The whole Daigo thing... Well, actually I based that name off one of my favorite characters from the game Rival Schools (I recently learned from a fellow writer in ff.net about Steven's manga name so I pretty much hung my head sadly when I found out but then shrugged it off.)

Shroomish-Mario jokes... Never saw that pun myself until you pointed it out... now I AM upset with myself. As for that scene concerning Alia... when revising the scene I was thinking on how to redo it but laziness got to me and figured the readers would assume something about her desgins sensors or something... But all in all I got no exscuse.

(Yawns lazily) 4 hours and 4 more to come? Man, I write too much... don't destroy your eyes on my account.

Frostweaver January 31st, 2005 4:53 PM

@ Trials of Reluctance (continued)

-pretty sure that Electrike is actually based off a vermin o.o;

-watch out for consistency within your story... sometimes Wally is 10, yet other times he is 11?

-watch out for "accept" and "exccept" ^^; same pronounciation but different meaning

-pretty sure "uber" is not a usable fanfiction term ^^;

-don't say "flasback to chapter ___". Refer to the events itself, such as "flashback to the Pokemon Academy when May challenged Roxanne" and etc etc

-now is chuchu another one of those unintended allusion? Chuchu is the name of Yellow's Pikachu so "Yellow is Mrs. Stone?" O.o; Ahem... surely that is unintended like Daigo I believe...

-in terms of game technicalities, berserk gene will not powerup the custom tactic Sub-Zero Hell due to the fact that it's ice based attacks, which means that it runs on special attack while berserk gene boosts physical attack power ;p from a game perspective that's how things would have worked out, but fanfic is different from game as long as you will it... not a mistake but just a comment regarding the author's notes

-Wally's change is still a bit rushed I think... he was as feeble as a wingless fly in his last appearance, and now he's screaming his lungs out for someone else to kick everyone elses' sad behinds? O.o; (don't forget the "miraculous" cure for the asthma!) And that adult-joke-attempt cracked by Wally is also a bit... unnecessarily OOC o.o; not to mention it's because we've never seen Steven as a "womanizer" anywhere else in the story, lacking support for the joke.

-Steven is also changing a bit too jolly too quickly... last time we see him as a serious man when dealing with the "cure" for the serum, leaving us with a painfully memorable serious quotes before he leaves the scene... and now this honorable man has degraded to a womanizer who has to manipulate a 11 year old to get autographed unmentionables-and-the-likes?

-hmm... I'm a bit confused at what happened to Brendan after he faced the Aqua members with Angelique... o.o; and how he's saved by Brawly/Roxanne and all

Good Points
-great usage of dramatic irony and puns to add humor into the story
-well designed characters and each characters' relationship with one another
-original yet follows the backbone structure of the Pokemon game

Focuses to Improve On
-GRAMMAR
-characters can change too rapidly (Steven and Wally mainly)
-clarification should be done in the story, not in the author's notes

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization:
17/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
18/20
Diction:
16/20
Effort/Originality:
20/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+4 (satirical humor, pun, dramatic irony +2)

Total: 91 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}

Well done! An excellent read even if it took 8 hours in total ^^

Strawberry Delcatty January 31st, 2005 6:18 PM

Great. Everyone has a high score from Frosty but me. :-\

Frostweaver January 31st, 2005 7:04 PM

@ Pokemon: Lento Legions (1 chapter and... err)

-spell check please >>; mistakes like spelling it "t" shouldn't exist at all if you used a spellchecker. Same for "yaeh" for "yeah" and "Pro.Plam" for "Pro.Palm"

-flashback counts as a new scene, so start a scenario change for the new scene instead of putting a billion of brackets for it.

-"weird big ball thing" is not something the script direction will say o.o;

-actions are described by stage direction, not brackets tagged on to someone's lines. You're mixing up stage directions with character actions. For example...

Quote:

Ash:(groans) That was a terrible performance... (May walks out of her cabin on the boat, she lets out a huge yawn)
The bracket for "groans" is done nicely because it's an action done by Ash. However, May walking out of her cabin on the boat is not something that's done by Ash. Therefore, that line should have been its own line as a stage direction (and technically, stage directions must be written either in square brackets or in italics but for me, as long as it got its own "paragraph" it's fine.)

The reason why scriptfic is so discouraged is because of things like this... improper usage of of the format itself can lead to heavy confusion. Have to really study hard.

-watch out for grammar, such as the period/comma being switched around

-stage direction shouldn't have any 1st person narration at all, and there is no exception. Also, stage direction must remain neutral, so you will have to say "Ash's party" instead of "our hero" as using "hero" will be implying that they're the "good guys."

-talk about TR being completely OOC for absolutely no reason at all =/ Yes it's true that you can do whatever you want in your fanfic, but everything must be justified and explained carefully. Giovanni's sudden change of heart isn't justified nor explained at all, besides the mentioning of some bet that we know nothing about -_-;

-anime battling/anime plot syndrome *cough* o.o; fix it NOW before you earn a reputation of being a OT fic with anime-everything

I'll just end the review here and give you some time to edit ch.2 and all later chapters first before I continue reading/rating the fanfic. There's a lot of planning and hard work that you'll have to do.

Frostweaver January 31st, 2005 9:03 PM

@ Rise of the Elite (up to ch.5)

-I am personally never too thrilled to have the narrator doing the "interesting jobs" of annoucing who got the hots for who. It just make things dull. I suppose that we can possibly call this a direct sequel to the anime in order to justify for the claim that Drew got a crush on May (as everything needs to be explained, or hinted that it'll be explained in the future, directly or indirectly), but regardless readers should be able to find some way within this fanfic, without the anime, that Drew does have something for May. A hinting of a change of color on Drew's face when Drew is telling Ash that May is still not back yet, or a small sign of being upset when Ash rushes out to look for May can possibly solve all problems.

-overall the narrator is just a bit... dull o.o; It's a good thing that the narrator dealt with everything it had to very clearly, but now we can start to have the narrator take on multiple roles, occassionally siding with the character it is describing and so on ^^

-if Chezni really "passed out" due to all that happened, then all the things that he is capable of doing are very abnormally calm then o.o; Also, Chezni goes on to take the test while he is perfectly aware that he does not have amnesia is also very abnormal (oh look there's these freaks with strange creatures called Pokemon trying to put a few suction cups on you from a machine! That's certainly very safe! Just to give a bit of icing on the cake, let's tell these people that I'm from another planet! No way will they lock me up in a cage for experimental purposes ^^)

-watch out for incomplete sentences

-put the most important ideas at the end, not in the middle. " 'What's next?' she thought" can simply be "What's next?" as it serves the purpose, and in fact adding in "she thought" weakens the tone.

-a little contradiction occured when Lance is questioning Chezni if he's alive due to luck... in Chezni's earlier narration, he sounded like he considered himself to be rather fortunate, while with Lance he was giving himself the credit that his skill saved him.

-physics notes: riiiight... jumping down from a height of 2000 feet, accelerating at 9.81m/s even if you spread out your limbs (which really doesn't slow you down by that much al all in comparison to the great gravitational pull), pulling on a Beautifly's wing will not snap immediately but instead last long enough until it's 20 feet above the ground ;p Yeah... even if Beautifly's muscles (err... or tissue strength) is enough to whip up a gust/small tornado, doubt that it can resist someone accelerating downward since a height of 2000 ft like that XD. It makes the story sound silly when all there are all these scientific buildup with fancy vocabs, then screw up on the physics later ^^;;

Characterization omitted for now due to the fact that the story is still in the shallow ends of the introduction, where the characters are still being introduced (along with the physical description stuff) and haven't yet began in character development.

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization:
omit/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
15/20
Diction:
15/20
Effort/Originality:
15/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+1 (oxymoron)

Total: 64/80 => 80/100

rubyrulez January 31st, 2005 9:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
@ Pokemon: Lento Legions (1 chapter and... err)

-spell check please >>; mistakes like spelling it "t" shouldn't exist at all if you used a spellchecker. Same for "yaeh" for "yeah" and "Pro.Plam" for "Pro.Palm"

-flashback counts as a new scene, so start a scenario change for the new scene instead of putting a billion of brackets for it.

-"weird big ball thing" is not something the script direction will say o.o;

-actions are described by stage direction, not brackets tagged on to someone's lines. You're mixing up stage directions with character actions. For example...



The bracket for "groans" is done nicely because it's an action done by Ash. However, May walking out of her cabin on the boat is not something that's done by Ash. Therefore, that line should have been its own line as a stage direction (and technically, stage directions must be written either in square brackets or in italics but for me, as long as it got its own "paragraph" it's fine.)

The reason why scriptfic is so discouraged is because of things like this... improper usage of of the format itself can lead to heavy confusion. Have to really study hard.

-watch out for grammar, such as the period/comma being switched around

-stage direction shouldn't have any 1st person narration at all, and there is no exception. Also, stage direction must remain neutral, so you will have to say "Ash's party" instead of "our hero" as using "hero" will be implying that they're the "good guys."

-talk about TR being completely OOC for absolutely no reason at all =/ Yes it's true that you can do whatever you want in your fanfic, but everything must be justified and explained carefully. Giovanni's sudden change of heart isn't justified nor explained at all, besides the mentioning of some bet that we know nothing about -_-;

-anime battling/anime plot syndrome *cough* o.o; fix it NOW before you earn a reputation of being a OT fic with anime-everything

I'll just end the review here and give you some time to edit ch.2 and all later chapters first before I continue reading/rating the fanfic. There's a lot of planning and hard work that you'll have to do.

Ok, I made a lot of the edits you pointed out in here, especially the spelling errors. Hopefully the story can get a better review now...

Anyways, Thank You for pointing all of that out. I may never have figured it out or caught it on my own, and I hope to become a better fic writer (Which all starts by listening to others advice and constructive critisizm.) :D

EDIT: When you said sequel to the anime, what did you mean. Could I still use the characters I'm using now and twist it into a sequel?

Strawberry Delcatty January 31st, 2005 10:13 PM

I posted a little HMW side story called Fishie the Magikarp. I hope you like my little one-shot. =3

Geometric-sama February 2nd, 2005 3:06 AM

AAARGH! You gotta spell it "Fishy", man, not "Fishie"... dude, like, you just can't do that, you know? C'mon, dude... XD

Strawberry Delcatty February 2nd, 2005 4:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jedi_Amara
AAARGH! You gotta spell it "Fishy", man, not "Fishie"... dude, like, you just can't do that, you know? C'mon, dude... XD

Blame Hamtareon (my friend's AIM name), not me. :P

Furaigon February 3rd, 2005 5:56 AM

I have a question about the chapter size limit and this seemed like the best place to ask. One sticky says at least 500 words a chapter and another sticky says at least 900 words a chapter. So which is the actual limit?

SBaby February 3rd, 2005 10:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
@ Rise of the Elite (up to ch.5)

-I am personally never too thrilled to have the narrator doing the "interesting jobs" of annoucing who got the hots for who. It just make things dull. I suppose that we can possibly call this a direct sequel to the anime in order to justify for the claim that Drew got a crush on May (as everything needs to be explained, or hinted that it'll be explained in the future, directly or indirectly), but regardless readers should be able to find some way within this fanfic, without the anime, that Drew does have something for May. A hinting of a change of color on Drew's face when Drew is telling Ash that May is still not back yet, or a small sign of being upset when Ash rushes out to look for May can possibly solve all problems.

-overall the narrator is just a bit... dull o.o; It's a good thing that the narrator dealt with everything it had to very clearly, but now we can start to have the narrator take on multiple roles, occassionally siding with the character it is describing and so on ^^

-if Chezni really "passed out" due to all that happened, then all the things that he is capable of doing are very abnormally calm then o.o; Also, Chezni goes on to take the test while he is perfectly aware that he does not have amnesia is also very abnormal (oh look there's these freaks with strange creatures called Pokemon trying to put a few suction cups on you from a machine! That's certainly very safe! Just to give a bit of icing on the cake, let's tell these people that I'm from another planet! No way will they lock me up in a cage for experimental purposes ^^)

-watch out for incomplete sentences

-put the most important ideas at the end, not in the middle. " 'What's next?' she thought" can simply be "What's next?" as it serves the purpose, and in fact adding in "she thought" weakens the tone.

-a little contradiction occured when Lance is questioning Chezni if he's alive due to luck... in Chezni's earlier narration, he sounded like he considered himself to be rather fortunate, while with Lance he was giving himself the credit that his skill saved him.

-physics notes: riiiight... jumping down from a height of 2000 feet, accelerating at 9.81m/s even if you spread out your limbs (which really doesn't slow you down by that much al all in comparison to the great gravitational pull), pulling on a Beautifly's wing will not snap immediately but instead last long enough until it's 20 feet above the ground ;p Yeah... even if Beautifly's muscles (err... or tissue strength) is enough to whip up a gust/small tornado, doubt that it can resist someone accelerating downward since a height of 2000 ft like that XD. It makes the story sound silly when all there are all these scientific buildup with fancy vocabs, then screw up on the physics later ^^;;

Characterization omitted for now due to the fact that the story is still in the shallow ends of the introduction, where the characters are still being introduced (along with the physical description stuff) and haven't yet began in character development.

Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization:
omit/20
Coherence/Readability:
9/10
Tone/Structure:
15/20
Diction:
15/20
Effort/Originality:
15/20
Lit. Device bonus:
+1 (oxymoron)

Total: 64/80 => 80/100


Oh boy, are the characters still in the introduction... You're right about that.

But, I'm glad I finally have a review up here. Thanks. (80 out of 100... I wish I got grades that good in English class...)

And rest assured, I will take this advice, especially about the 2000 feet thing. (I meant for it to be 200 but I must have added an extra zero. But I still might be able to make it work with this.)

Oh, and you might have noticed, but the second chapter, where they explained the crash was a bit of an in-joke referring to Boondock Saints.

Boyish crush... Yeah I probably could have worded that one better... But you are right. This is a near/distant-future Pokemon Fic.

Lily February 3rd, 2005 1:37 PM

Fishie...LOL cute! *goes to read it*

About Dani's question - The limit should be legitimate enough. I use my common sense to figure out what a chapter should be. >_>; For example, you can't have ten words for a chapter, now could you? There isn't no exact 'limit...' but 500 sounds good enough for me.

Furaigon February 3rd, 2005 1:39 PM

Well the first chapter of my fic is 458 words which is why I was asking. But the second chapter (OMG I actually finished it!) is 648 words so it's getting longer. ^_^

Raichu Master February 3rd, 2005 1:40 PM

Tis I again...to try another fanfic. It started out ok...then it went down hill, I don't like it...but I'm going to stick through it and hope for the best. Unlike my last fanfic I tryed, where I quit in the beginning of it.

heh...sorry I have a cold, and I start rambling when I'm sick... :\

Frostweaver February 3rd, 2005 3:34 PM

@ The One Drop

-every phrase of a sentence can only have 1 verb or else it's a run-on sentence, and a sentence with 4 verbs in the same phrase is called a massive collision of verbs in the same squishy sentence.

-err... Mari addresses to the man known as "Mari's father" by the narrator as grandpa o.o; what's with that? Maybe that was directed at Wattson, but if that is true, then you'll also end up running into the confusion of Spencer being Wattson as well which is of course not making any sense... have to clear up what line is directly at who there in that section. It's terribly confusing at the moment.

-also watch out for the usage of "... and me" and "... and I." When you're using it as a subject, go with "I." Otherwise, use "... and me."

Quote:

he bare white walls had been stripped of decoration, the bed against the back wall was neatly made, the night stand had a single glass of water on it, several boxes were stacked up against the wooden dresser, the wooden desk and chair had been stripped of personal items, and the miniature refrigerator in the kitchen area at the front of the room was barren.
"technically" that is grammatically correct, but really it's not very acceptable. It is unnecessarily long, and it got many chances for you to break up the sentence into a few smaller sentences as well. Also, a slight repetition in using wooden on the same line. Adjectives are most efficient if they aren't used so often and close to each other.

-"Mari's Mom" shouldn't be a proper noun ^^; M doesn't need to be capitalized. Mom is definitely not a proper noun... "Mari's mom" is just a simple noun with a possessive.

-change "you" to "one" in order to keep the narration in 3rd person ^^;

-I dunno... "Yeah!", "wow!" and those types of excited onometopia doesn't sound like something that'll come from a "shy" Pokemon ^^;

-up to ch.2 now and have to go... i'll read the rest later ^^;

Geometric-sama February 3rd, 2005 7:58 PM

For a chapter limit, isn't the guideline just as long as a piece of string? I mean, just have it as long as it needs to be. Sometimes it's really effective to have a one-paragraph chapter, just for the particular kind of flow you want in that story.

And Frosty, you know the SoE links in your sig? My username has an underscore in it... :P Also, don't forget auxiliary verbs :P

Frostweaver February 3rd, 2005 8:23 PM

Wish I can fix it but then the new character limit cut makes it so I can't edit my sig anymore without cutting it down to 1500 characters... and stupid thing counts the color codes and fonts and etc etc as part of the characters too ><; I don't know what to take out to edit the sig ;_;

Of course there is no definite rule, but those guidelines are written for *beginners.* It's just like how in elementary school we're taught the word "because" and we were permitted to say "Because it is good." Then later, you aren't permitted to use because as the first word of a sentence because you'll write incomplete sentences (which is NOT TRUE but assumed as TRUE). Finally, once you learn the structure of a sentence in phrases, you'll finally be allowed to use because as the first word of a sentence once more.

Same thing applies to a character limit for a chapter... at first you don't know, so we give you some "assumed truths." Finally when you get the flow of your own story, feel free to write as long or short as you want ^^

Aiya Quackform February 3rd, 2005 10:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
@ The One Drop

-every phrase of a sentence can only have 1 verb or else it's a run-on sentence, and a sentence with 4 verbs in the same phrase is called a massive collision of verbs in the same squishy sentence.

-err... Mari addresses to the man known as "Mari's father" by the narrator as grandpa o.o; what's with that? Maybe that was directed at Wattson, but if that is true, then you'll also end up running into the confusion of Spencer being Wattson as well which is of course not making any sense... have to clear up what line is directly at who there in that section. It's terribly confusing at the moment.

-also watch out for the usage of "... and me" and "... and I." When you're using it as a subject, go with "I." Otherwise, use "... and me."



"technically" that is grammatically correct, but really it's not very acceptable. It is unnecessarily long, and it got many chances for you to break up the sentence into a few smaller sentences as well. Also, a slight repetition in using wooden on the same line. Adjectives are most efficient if they aren't used so often and close to each other.

-"Mari's Mom" shouldn't be a proper noun ^^; M doesn't need to be capitalized. Mom is definitely not a proper noun... "Mari's mom" is just a simple noun with a possessive.

-change "you" to "one" in order to keep the narration in 3rd person ^^;

-I dunno... "Yeah!", "wow!" and those types of excited onometopia doesn't sound like something that'll come from a "shy" Pokemon ^^;

-up to ch.2 now and have to go... i'll read the rest later ^^;

Small venting note: UGH!!! I just spent twenty minutes typing this reply, and my glitchy, retarded computer just up and deleted it out of nowhere! ARGH!!! Re-typed reply:

I really appreciate your notes on some of my descriptions, forstweaver. I've really been focusing a lot on developing my description-writing skills, and I am better, but not in time for this chapter. ^_^;

Quote:

-err... Mari addresses to the man known as "Mari's father" by the narrator as grandpa o.o; what's with that? Maybe that was directed at Wattson, but if that is true, then you'll also end up running into the confusion of Spencer being Wattson as well which is of course not making any sense... have to clear up what line is directly at who there in that section. It's terribly confusing at the moment.
I just re-read the chapter, and I can't see what you're talking about! Could you please quote the section of the chapter you're refering to?

Also, you should have read the original version of this chapter! It was two and a half chapters!! (Don't ask how, just believe and picture a totally useless and long battle.) I spent weeks re-writing and tweaking the first few chapters, and believe me when I say that they're much better, but I was never really satisfied with the first chapter and a half. After awhile, I just had to move on or else I'd be stuck until I got totally bored with the series and gave up. I don't really feel that the fic hits its stride until Mari meets Atzie, and the really good plot points come up around Chapter 8-ish. (Not sure yet, I'm still editting!)

In any event, once the series is finished, I plan to go back and polish it off, including fixing some of my descriptions. (I totally agree with you on the description of Mari's room, and there are a couple later that are good description-wise, but constitute small breaks in the action.)

Strawberry Delcatty February 5th, 2005 10:01 PM

Added chapter 18 of Hoenn Mirror World. Enjoy!

Geometric-sama February 6th, 2005 2:57 AM

*hugs Frosty* YOU FIXED MY NAME! YOU FIXED IT! YOU FIXED IT! *runs around*

O February 7th, 2005 7:15 AM

Pokémon Chaos Black- The Novel is up. RAWR.

Flatulus February 7th, 2005 10:13 PM

It would be nice if someone read my Fan fic Destiny of Understanding as it is now up to chapter three and has had only one person putting up an opinion of it... I know it isn't the best fic here but surely it isn't bad enough to not be worth anyone, except LilyPichu, reading it.

Frostweaver February 7th, 2005 11:16 PM

Going to be away for awhile again due to the upcoming Chinese New Year, which means that I'll be busy going to dinners to celebrate and making too many long distance phones to call relatives back in Hong Kong and etc etc... obviously, the chem test and the 2 bio labs really do not help o.o;

Until the Chinese New Year fad is over then >>; no reviews

(not to mention present making for valentines day... <3)

Geometric-sama February 9th, 2005 2:44 AM

*wonders if you'd mind reviewing my fic "Ridiculous" once you're back*

My mum called her family last night. No more of that for us, I think. Unless my dad calls his family. :P

rubyrulez February 9th, 2005 9:46 PM

Well, Chapter 7 of Pokemon: Lento Legends is now up. Hopefully all of the edits I'm making will make it the least bit better this time around...

Geometric-sama February 10th, 2005 4:30 AM

Well, two of my new fanfics are up. I wrote them very quickly; one's a sequel to the other.

SBaby February 11th, 2005 11:54 AM

I just wanted to say that Rise of the Elite will be taking a vacation. Our computer is on the fritz and we have to send it in, and they project two weeks for the repairs.

However, I will be back and so will my Fic, since I plan on finishing it and then redoing my original. It will probably end up being better than it is now.

Strawberry Delcatty February 11th, 2005 4:03 PM

I noticed that I've been getting a little lazy, so, starting tomorrow, I decided to bring back my daily updates for HMW. I know it'll be a lot, but at least a lot of you will be able to get the chance to check out the sequel quickly.

Ry Nephthys February 11th, 2005 4:54 PM

Hello, everyone, Ry reporting.

I have an Adventure/Humor novel up called Sunfire & Mudburn, which is about a carefree Dragonair, Mudburn, and an intelligent female Ninetales, Sunfire. Read as these two journey to the Cerulean Cape for one purpose...Tee hee! Comments, suggestions, and reviews are accepted in the story's thread. Thanks!


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