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oni flygon August 12th, 2004 7:44 AM

Nah, not angry at you...XD

It's been a while since I've gotten a real review...I was relly trying to find something that's wrong in my writing style. Note that this is my first attempt to darkfics...XD

You made a point about the police guards letting him loose...I'll edit that perhaps...XD

Fixen August 12th, 2004 8:34 AM

*shoots barrage of missiles at Frostweaver. XD
*follows up with nuke

Ryoutarou August 12th, 2004 8:49 AM

Ya I got more of my fic up. It's chapter four it's a set up for the deoxys corp arc of the story

oni flygon August 12th, 2004 9:53 AM

Fixen, stop it! XD

posted new chapter on Call of Dragons and new character analysis in Ties of Love and Friendship...

Frostweaver August 12th, 2004 12:43 PM

@ CoD ch.6 version 2 + ch. 7

-it's a lot better now with the dragonairs slaughtering all of the chasing guards instead.

-short fight scene but it served its purpose for the plot. it was short but sweet and realistic, so it really doesn't matter regarding the length of that in the end

-time to pick up the thesaurus! there's no need for 3 "darkness" in a paragraph that's 4 lines long... try using "shadow" or "umbra" once in awhile, or any other similar words that you can find

-Nina is OOC in ch. 7... she seems quite jolly even though she has just vitnessed one terrifying battles between Pewter city guards and the mysterious dragon army. Even though she's obviously less terrified than Dennis, she shouldn't be *that* happy

-minor diction note: "he can worm out of every tight situation" does make sense if you look at what the dictionary says, but at the same time, worm is a "very low" verb that really doesn't describes glorious scenes, but more like some dishonorable or embarassing escape. I don't think anyone will notice that but minor word changes here and there does eventually affect the mood

-great improvement for creating Dennis's character and his battle lust

-there aren't even nearly as much plot flaws as last chapter... great job!

oni flygon August 12th, 2004 3:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
@ CoD ch.6 version 2 + ch. 7

-Nina is OOC in ch. 7... she seems quite jolly even though she has just vitnessed one terrifying battles between Pewter city guards and the mysterious dragon army. Even though she's obviously less terrified than Dennis, she shouldn't be *that* happy

Oh crap...I forgot that part. When I wrote this, I haven't planned on getting the guards killed first...

Anyways, I'm gonna edit it...

Dizzy August 12th, 2004 3:58 PM

Sorry for the major delay, I will have Act II up by tonight if not earlier. I just have so much to do and so little time so please bear with me.

Mew13 August 12th, 2004 4:27 PM

Any chance of getting a review on the updated Mew's Chosen One? Just wondering...

~~~~~~~~~~

I posted Chapter 4 anywho... so reviews would be greatly appreciated!!

Frostweaver August 12th, 2004 8:07 PM

SHAMELESS ADVERTISEMENT

Please go read my fanfic! Critiques of any form are welcomed! Praises and flames are also welcomed! But don't give me the "this fanfic needs no improvement!" crap.

Note: not suitable for people who didn't watch the Pokemon anime within the past year

XP

ok now on to the others' reviews

@ A Look at Pokemorph's Life

-still the same-o, same-o o.o;

@ The Ghost and the Darkness

-again, same-o same-o like last time... you're publishing an awful lot of chapters within such a short time period. Use some time to make the chapters longer and add on some description.

Ice demon August 12th, 2004 8:25 PM

lol ok ^_^
whatever u say sir XP

PS go read the Ghost and The Darkness
it sucks but i want all the help i can get

oni flygon August 14th, 2004 7:59 PM

New chapter in Call of Dragons. Chapter 8!

Final Character Analysis posted in Ties of Love and Friendship...

Drak Hamayashi August 15th, 2004 11:04 AM

Okay, I posted the first chapter of a new fanfic I asked Pyra if I could work on. It's called "Quest for Justice," and it'll show why it'll be called that later on. ^^;

It's based on our RP, so don't flame me! *Cowers* o.o;

Ryoutarou August 16th, 2004 11:15 AM

There I did my new fic "the dreamer" it took forever to get the spell check done...yet I think there are still stuff wrong with it. Reviews please!

oni flygon August 16th, 2004 7:42 PM

Short Sequel to Ties of love and Friendship posted... (may contain spoilers if you didn't read Ties of Love and Friendship)

Chapter 9 of Call of Dragons posted

Frostweaver August 17th, 2004 12:41 AM

SHAMELESS ADVERTISEMENT #2

-go read the current sticky aka my fanfic- Mere Velleity =)

I'll give anyone who read it a cookie! And thanks to Oni to sticky it too ^_^ *gives 2 cookies*

@ The Ghost and the Darkness (redoned)

-ahem... the prelude scene looks rather "familiar" doesn't it... why it looks like I've read it elsewhere before! Hmm... I wonder what fanfic that can be... it cannot possibly come from *my fanfic* can it?

(lol how dare you stole my Jirachi scene! However, you're now pardoned XD)

-renaming chapter 1 to "Prelude" seems more fitting

-like mentioned, be sure to have a blank line between each paragraph

-overall minor grammatical mistakes, and there are a lot less compare to last time

-now an unnecessary allusion occured... don't give your character a name of "Seto" unless it's a YGO crossover or YGO allusion. I mean like I was reading and then suddenly the thought of "I sacrifice my two monsters on the field for the Blue Eyes White Dragon!" popped into my mind when I came across the name of Seto XD. Don't name the character Seto (it'll make the readers think of Seto Kaiba)

-it's a little bit repetitive after hearing so many "first voice said, second voice said, third voice said" and etc... after the first time, you no longer need to introduce who said what everytime. Just go on with the conversation without saying which of the 3 voices said it.

-overall, a *much* better job in comparison to the previous version. There are a lot more details, and the scenes flow a little bit better with the awake and dreaming theme. The only thing lacking is perhaps character background information of Sarah, which is not something that has to be mentioned in the beginning of the story. As long as you *eventually* mention it, it will be all okay.

@ Call of Dragons (ch.8 and 9)

-in the beginning of the chapter, Dennis seems to suddenly become "the perfect man" again for a short while, even when Vincent was present... OOC a little bit. It'll be better if his kindness lasted only after Vincent left the room already.

-yay it's the infamous love triangle, mother of all romance fanfic! ^^

-Nina: (*cough* ok ok we all know who you want already, no need to make yourself so sickenly obvious XD)
(that was rather a comment, and is nothing negative)

-Dennis's feelings regarding the dragons can be smoothed out slightly, but that's rather minor

-Dennis's party's acquaintance with the mysterious man is rather awkward... why would Nina and Vincent stand still to watch Dennis getting beaten up (in a way)? Also, Dennis's punch against the man is unexplained. Even for a person like Dennis, you still need some reasonings to why something like that happened...

-the scene with the "goddess" can be even darker but then only experience can fix that. Also, the "goddess" seems to be rather "quite mortal" with the way how she keeps saying "it's the first time I feel <such and such> about a mortal." Those corny mortal-only lines are not so fitting for a "goddess."

Mew13 August 17th, 2004 6:52 PM

Posted Chapter two in "Life in the Eyes of Bluk"

SOMEONE PLEASE REVIEW IT!!!! (As no ones reviewing either of my fics...)

Frostweaver August 17th, 2004 7:25 PM

@ Life in the Eyes of Bluk:

-transition is still not very smooth... rather choppy

-now here's a big problem: why the heck will a Pokemon be so friendly towards an invader? O.o; Also all Pokemon are too magically understanding in nature... odd

-anime-style

-lacking a bit of description in terms of setting

Dizzy August 17th, 2004 7:29 PM

Congratulations frostweaver, totally dig your fan-fic. I want to compare to you, and trust me, I will ^_^. Sunlight Chapter 2+3 on the way to posting.

Mew13 August 17th, 2004 7:31 PM

Is anima style a bad thing?

oni flygon August 17th, 2004 8:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mew13
Is anima style a bad thing?

Anime style is too stereo-typed.

If you noticed, my fanfics demonstrate "manga style battles"

The Pokemon don't growl their names for one example. ^^

Frostweaver August 17th, 2004 8:22 PM

anime style is flooded and is everywhere O.o; it is quite unoriginal at the same time. Also, it's not that difficult to demonstrate Pokemon battling without being anime-styled.

It IS possible to stay away from anime-styled battling, even if you're in situations such as gym battles. Tainted Webs on ffnet does a very good job on that.

@ Dizzy:

-Aww thank you for your kind comments ^^; I doubt that I can really be much of a good fanfic writer though

gatene August 18th, 2004 1:47 PM

anime style battling??
 
To Oni Flygon:

Uhm, what exactly characterizes anime-style battling? Is growling their names one of them? If so, I've read some Pokémon manga, and it shows the Pokémon saying their names when they growl, especially during a battle. Perhaps I got it all wrong, please clarify, so I know what to do diff in my story too, and FrostWeaver please add to his reply too. I want people to be able to read my fanfic as if it were based in the real world.

Gatene

Frostweaver August 18th, 2004 2:02 PM

Anime battling- A way a fanfic writer describes a Pokemon battling scene, as if it is a battle from the anime. Anime battling relies heavily on trainer's commands within conversations, and usually lacks description in the Pokemon itself. Anime battling focuses on the trainers giving the commands, rather than seeing the Pokemon in action (as if you're watching the anime and you can see the Pokemon battle, so the writer didn't bother with much work in Pokemon battling). The Pokemon trainers say an unnecessary lots, making the battling scene feeling very laggy and boring. Trainers also like to say "anime lines" (corny lines) such as "try to get up," "you earn yourself a good rest" and all other battling common phrases that everyone who watched 5 episodes of Pokemon would have memorized already.


Anime battling will be something like...:

"Go Alakazam!" exclaimed Trainer A as he throw out a red and white sphere. Alakazam came out and eyed his opponents.

"Go Tauros" shouted Trainer B. Her Tauros was let loose from the Pokeball.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack!" said Trainer A as his Pokemon launched the psychic attack right at Tauros.

"Oh no Tauros hang on! Don't give up!" shouted Trainer B as her Tauros got back on his feet. "Alright now counter it with horn attack!"

"Alakazam use teleport to escape!" said Trainer A. Alakazam dodged out of the horn attack.

"You're doing great Tauros! Keep chasing it down with horn attack!" commanded Trainer B as her Tauros launched multiple horn attacks at the psychic Pokemon.

"No Alakazam we cannot lose this gym battle! Use your disable to stop it!"

<repeat crap like that for 60 more paragraphs>


As you see, the trainer does a lot more than the Pokemon which is terrible. We see them giving commands more than the battling itself. Very ugly... however, there are 2 methods on stopping yourself from anime battling.

a) don't use so much conversation commands

b) add in description

The above scene can be improved into something like this to escape anime battling...


A gym battle has begun in the city of <blank>, as the challenger Trainer A stepped up to the plate. At his call, a psychic Pokemon appeared on the scene, with its deadly psychic weapons ready to launch its fatal attacks. The gym leader reacted calmly at the intimidating scene, and summoned her raging Tauros out into the battlefield.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack now!"

The Pokemon obeyed the command as he raised up his hands, and a purple blast of energy was shot forward from its two metal spoons directly at the helpless Tauros in the blink of an eye. The bull Pokemon was forced onto the ground at the sheer power of the attack, and slid across the gym floor as the gym leader gasped at the power of the devastating psychic attack.


It's still a Pokemon battle, and trainers can still give commands. But this way it's a lot more entertaining.

Anime battling is sometimes purposely used for one of the trainer in a Pokemon battle (usually the loser of the battle) to indicate the fact that this trainer is an idiot. It's pretty much the only time when anime battling is allowed: to mock a trainer.

oni flygon August 18th, 2004 2:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frostweaver
Anime battling- A way a fanfic writer describes a Pokemon battling scene, as if it is a battle from the anime. Anime battling relies heavily on trainer's commands within conversations, and usually lacks description in the Pokemon itself. Anime battling focuses on the trainers giving the commands, rather than seeing the Pokemon in action (as if you're watching the anime and you can see the Pokemon battle, so the writer didn't bother with much work in Pokemon battling). The Pokemon trainers say an unnecessary lots, making the battling scene feeling very laggy and boring. Trainers also like to say "anime lines" (corny lines) such as "try to get up," "you earn yourself a good rest" and all other battling common phrases that everyone who watched 5 episodes of Pokemon would have memorized already.


Anime battling will be something like...:

"Go Alakazam!" exclaimed Trainer A as he throw out a red and white sphere. Alakazam came out and eyed his opponents.

"Go Tauros" shouted Trainer B. Her Tauros was let loose from the Pokeball.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack!" said Trainer A as his Pokemon launched the psychic attack right at Tauros.

"Oh no Tauros hang on! Don't give up!" shouted Trainer B as her Tauros got back on his feet. "Alright now counter it with horn attack!"

"Alakazam use teleport to escape!" said Trainer A. Alakazam dodged out of the horn attack.

"You're doing great Tauros! Keep chasing it down with horn attack!" commanded Trainer B as her Tauros launched multiple horn attacks at the psychic Pokemon.

"No Alakazam we cannot lose this gym battle! Use your disable to stop it!"

<repeat crap like that for 60 more paragraphs>


As you see, the trainer does a lot more than the Pokemon which is terrible. We see them giving commands more than the battling itself. Very ugly... however, there are 2 methods on stopping yourself from anime battling.

a) don't use so much conversation commands

b) add in description

The above scene can be improved into something like this to escape anime battling...


A gym battle has begun in the city of <blank>, as the challenger Trainer A stepped up to the plate. At his call, a psychic Pokemon appeared on the scene, with its deadly psychic weapons ready to launch its fatal attacks. The gym leader reacted calmly at the intimidating scene, and summoned her raging Tauros out into the battlefield.

"Alakazam, use your psychic attack now!"

The Pokemon obeyed the command as he raised up his hands, and a purple blast of energy was shot forward from its two metal spoons directly at the helpless Tauros in the blink of an eye. The bull Pokemon was forced onto the ground at the sheer power of the attack, and slid across the gym floor as the gym leader gasped at the power of the devastating psychic attack.


It's still a Pokemon battle, and trainers can still give commands. But this way it's a lot more entertaining.

Anime battling is sometimes purposely used for one of the trainer in a Pokemon battle (usually the loser of the battle) to indicate the fact that this trainer is an idiot. It's pretty much the only time when anime battling is allowed: to mock a trainer.

Lol, I wasn't sure about the anime style battling and I thought my battle scenes will be classified as that...good thing to know that mine aren't anime style battles.. *sigh of relief*

Ryoutarou August 18th, 2004 2:16 PM

Got chapter 2 up of my fic. Thanks to CK for the editing. Reviews please...


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