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Emily's Pokemon Adventure Sinnoh
CHAPTER 1 Emily began to open her blue eyes to the glimmering sun. She sat up and yawned. She took a shower and got dressed. She smelled something that sent her somewhere else for a moment. "French Toast" she thought. She ran down the stairs slid on the hardwood floor at the bottom and ran to the kitchen. Emily sat on a stool next to the counter in the living room. Emily looked at her plate; french toast, bacon, and eggs. And a glass of orange juice. Emily picked up the remote and turned on the TV in the kitchen as she began to eat. Her mom came in from the backyard with a basket of clothes that came off the wash line. Glaemeow followed her. Glaemeow jumped on the counter and sat there. The news came on Pro.Birch was saying something about new trainers and pokemon "......giving starters to new trainers only today....." Emily spit out a mouthfull of orange juice across the counter. "That's today!?" Emily jumped off the stool and ran up the stairs. Emily found her little sister sitting on her bed reading her diary. Emily jumped and tackled her little sister, Kayla. Emily picked up Kayla and dropped her outside the door and slammed it in her face. Emily got dressed in her trainer clothes, black shorts, red short sleve shirt with black pokeball on the side. Emily tied a bandana around her head with a black pokeball on it. Emily grabbed her bag, wrapped it around her waist and clipped it n place. The bag hug down a bit. Emily ran down the stairs. Emily put on her brand new running shoes. "Later mom! I'm going to go get my first pokemon!" Emily yelled to the backyard. Emily ran gave her mom a hug and ran out the door. Emily's mom stood in the doorway of their brand new home and waved good-bye as her daughter left for a life long journey with tears filling her eyes. Emily ran through the quiet Twinleaf Town, humming a song that she never heard of before. Emily reached Pro.Rowan's lab. There was a note on the door. It said: Sorry for the inconvinience, I am showing new trainers how to catch pokemon and how to battle. I should be back in an hour or two. Again, sorry for the inconvinience, - Pro. Rowan Emily ran to where there was grass. She found Pro. Birch and the other trainers. Emily noticed on trainer. It was Jared. Emily walked up to Pro. Birch and listened to everything he was saying. Jared looked over at Emily moving his lips trying to say "Where were you?" Emily turned away. "Okay everyone, back to the lab to pick up your pokemon" said Pro.Rowan. All the trainers screamed happily and ran to the lab in front of Pro.Rowan. "Emily, I didn't see you in our group earlier. Did you just get here?" asked Pro.Birch. "Yeah. See, I kinda woke up late and--" Emily was interrupeted by someone screaming. Emily's mom came runnign twoards her and Pro.Rowan. "Emily, you left this" Emily's mom handed Emily a ribbion. "It was my first ribbion I ever won. I thought it might bring you some luck on your journey" Emily's mom said with tears in her eyes. "You did the same thing in Kindergarten, now this?" said Emily. "I'm just going to miss you" said Emily's mom. Emily hugged her mom and her mom walked back home. Pro.Rowan unlocked the doors to the lab. Young trainers piled in the building. The trainers kept ranting on about what pokemon they want. Emily doesn't even know what pokemon she wants.... TO BE CONTINUED..... More Chapters coming soon! |
Cool! This character sounds great. I'm sure to follow this Fan Fic and say what I think of the chapters.
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Here's a long one--
_____ Emily began to open her blue eyes to the glimmering sun. She sat up and yawned. She took a shower and got dressed. She smelled something that sent her somewhere else for a moment. "French Toast" she thought. She ran down the stairs slid on the hardwood floor at the bottom and ran to the kitchen. Emily sat on a stool next to the counter in the living room. Emily looked at her plate; french toast, bacon, and eggs. And a glass of orange juice. Emily picked up the remote and turned on the TV in the kitchen as she began to eat. Her mom came in from the backyard with a basket of clothes that came off the wash line. Glaemeow followed her. Glaemeow jumped on the counter and sat there. First Issue: I see nearly no commas in this entire paragraph, and when I do see them, it is only to describe a list of items. The second and third sentences, for example, seem -extremely- choppy. Is 'She sat up and yawned' really necessary? If so, why not draw it out just a little more? Maybe not using 'She' for virtually every sentence would work as well. This, in my opinion, seems better: "Sitting up, she/Emily yawned, before proceeding onto her daily activities." This both a) leads into the next sentence and b) has some variation, so that the reader doesn't get bored of just reading a small, almost list-like story of what she does. On a positive note, this story IS NOT bad. Could it use work? Obviously, every story could. But you have a good grasp on descriptive words, and the detail of listing small things (aka, the different foods and turning on the TV) reminds me a bit of J.K. Rowling, who tends to do the same things. Second Issue: This could (and probably should) seem weird, considering I just complimented you on description a bit. So yes, I am a massive dolt and/or hypocrite. But I have no idea what Emily looks like, other than having blue eyes. I mean, you don't need to pile on description: I don't want to know how many inches her hair goes down her neck, or the miniscule (but surely fascinating) innerworkings of her nose (which would be described in extreme detail: look up those skin tones, folks!). But I'd like a little bit so I can build up a mental image of what Emily might look like. Same with Glameow- I haven't played Diamond and Pearl, but I still know a bit about how it looks. But some people might know nothing about how Glameow looks. Another thing relating to Glameow is...what is a Sinnoh Pokemon doing in Hoenn? You don't need a paragraph-long explanation, but a simple sentence would do. Are Sinnoh Pokemon just becoming more common in Hoenn? Was Emily's family ever located in Sinnoh, and Glameow was brought over from there? Little things like that really help a story, even though their importance might not seem too....important. (Oh, my way with words) "That's today!?" Emily jumped off the stool and ran up the stairs. Emily found her little sister sitting on her bed reading her diary. Emily jumped and tackled her little sister, Kayla. Emily picked up Kayla and dropped her outside the door and slammed it in her face. This is lulz-worthy, but I am disappointed you didn't add, "Emily promptly drop-kicked Kayla before lighting her room on fire." Same things apply- what does Kayla look like? Was Kayla photo-copying the diary for a secret military operation? Is Kayla really Ditto? Okay, I'm rambling, sue me. Not really. On a serious note, description to Kayla would be great. Another thing that is strange is the fact that Emily had no idea about the Pokemon-give-away. It goes into cliche territory a little bit, but not enough to ring any bells, I don't believe. "Emily, you left this" Emily's mom handed Emily a ribbion. "It was my first ribbion I ever won. I thought it might bring you some luck on your journey" Emily's mom said with tears in her eyes. "You did the same thing in Kindergarten, now this?" said Emily. "I'm just going to miss you" said Emily's mom. Emily hugged her mom and her mom walked back home. Nice detail, a mom that used to be a coordinator giving her kid a ribbon as a good luck charm. (I could be -and probably am, considering I don't follow the anime religiously- wrong, but isn't that the same basic thing that happened to Dawn and her mom in Diamond and Pearl? Emily doesn't even know what pokemon she wants.... You changed the tone there. Following the rest of your story, it would be "Emily didn't even know what Pokemon she wanted." A little short, but I'll keep an eye on it, I think. So far, nice job. |
Great job of writing this chapter, keep it up.
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Well sorry!!! I'm not good at grammar stuff, and yes, I did copy the ribbion thing but it gets better, just you wait...(This is adressed to Barkovitch, not anyone else) |
Hey!
I hope you keep up the good work! |
Not good at grammar? Get better.
Copy a storyline? Lazy, lazy, lazy. And you shouldn't need to say that it'll get better, the first chapter should hook you and reel you in right away. You wouldn't mail an editor a letter saying "Sorry for the first chapter, but it gets better so keep reading." No. If the book isn't good right away the editor throws it out, no exceptions. I know this probably sounds really harsh, and I'm sorry that it does, but I think you need it. I'm seeing loads of stories from you, all with nearly the same title and story. I think this one actually has potential (not so much for the other ones)-- I want it to improve, and for it to improve you need to work a little more. Saying "sorry" and "it gets better" gives me zero reason to continue reading. I don't give mindless praise, I give constructive crit., which every writer should thrive on. Good luck with the story, and I hope this didn't come off too rude (or rude at all, now that I think about it). |
Chapter 2
CAPTER 2 I have one thing to say before I start this next chapter, I have a few things to say, if you don't like my story, please don't comment bad on it and don't read it again if you don't like it. We left Emily at Pro.Rowan's lab with all the other begining trainers. Emily walked in the lab with the others. Pro.Rowan gave a speech about "responsibility" and stuff like that. After he finished, everyone gathered around a table where Pro.Birch had boxes of pokeballs. They were labled fire, grass, and water. Everyone just grabbed a pokeball out of a box and ran outside to begin their journey. Only Emily and Jared were left. Emily picked up the last ball in the box labled "fire" and Jared took the last one in the "water" box. Pro.Rowan picked up the last one in the "grass" box. "Good, this could be for my assistant..." Pro.Rowan said. "Emily, Jared, before you go, I have a request for the two of you," Pro.Birch handed Emily and Jared each a pokedex. "Will you record the pokemon you see and catch for me?" Pro.Birch asked. Emily and Jared nodded in agreement. Pro.Birch smiled. Emily and Jared walked out. "So what do you think happens when we see all the pokemon?" Jared asked. Emily shrugged looking at her pokeball. Jared turned and left for his house on a little island off the coast of Sandgem Town. He got on a boat and left. Emily walked twoards the grass. It began to rain. Emily was a quarter of the way to the next town when the weather started to get really bad. Emily knew she couldn't turn back so she found a Pokemon Center on the side of the road. She walked through the glass doors into the darkness of the room. "Hello?" she called out. She walked into a room with a lot of machines and a bed with a pokemon on it. Emily picked up the pokemon and took out her pokedex. It said it was a Linoone. Emily hugged the injured Linoone and walked around some more. Emily heard crying in one of the rooms. Emily walked inside and saw a little boy sitting against a wall crying in his hands. "What's wrong?" she asked. "And why are you alone here?" The little boy sniffled, "My Linoone, it was hurt in a battle and I don't know where it went," he said still crying. "What do you mean, 'you don't know where it went?'" Emily asked. "Well, the power went out about an hour ago and some ghost pokemon came and trashed the place and took my Linoone!" he said, still crying like crazy. "Is this your Linoone?" Emily asked holding the injured Linoone in her arms. "Linoone!" the little boy said happily. "Thank you so much!" Emily and the little boy walked through the Pokemon Center looking for help. "Well, we might have to stay here overnight and look in the morning" Emily said. The little boy's eyes widen and he quivered in fear. "Don't worry, I'll be here" Emily said calmly. Emily found some blankets and pillows and a flashlight in a closet. Emily set up a blanket and a pillow on a couch for the little boy. Emily wrapped herself in a blanket and fell asleep on a chair. Morning came, and it was damp and wet outside. Emily and the little boy walked outside. They found a someone that looked like a nurse. Emily and the little boy ran up to her. "Excuse me, do you work at that Pokemon Center down the road?" Emily asked. "Yes I do" the nurse said crying. "I'm so sorry, I can't take care of pokemon, I should just go to a diffrent town and-" Emily cut the nurse off. "Don't say that!" Emily yelled. "But no one comes down this road," the nurse said. "Well we did," Emily said. The little boy nodded. The nurse nodded. They walked back to the Pokemon Center. They helped fix it up. They cleaned the windows. The sun shined through. The whole place looked diffrent. "Thank you so much" the nurse said. "Even if trainers don't come down this road, you can still help the forest pokemon around here" Emily said. The nurse nodded. Emily walked out waving to the little boy and the nurse. Emily headed twoard the forest to get to the next town, Orburgh City. TO BE CONTINUED! CHAPTER 3 COMMING LATER TODAY! |
Yo maybe you know who and Emily could be a couple later in the story XD
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Since you're obviously not interested in advice, I'll leave the fic here. :)
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Chapter 3
CHAPTER 3 We left Emily in the forest to Orbergh City: Emily was walking through the forest and ran into a Ralts! Emily sent out Torchic. "Torchic! Ember!" Emily comanded. Torchic attacked the Ralts. The Ralts tried to attack but didn't move. It was like it wanted to be with Emily. Emily took out a pokeball. A red beam of light surrounded the Ralts and took it in. The ball pinged. Emily caught a Ralts! Emily left Torchic out of its pokeball and they kept walking. Emily heard some noises. She ran through the forest and Torchic followed behind her. Emily ran into a trainer, literally. They both fell to the ground. "Hey" the other trainer called out. Emily got up and helped the other trainer up. Emily brushed off her clothes. "I'm Seth" he said smiling. "I'm Emily" Emily said. "Wanna pair up and take this journey together?" Seth asked. "Sure" Emily said as they began to keep wlaking. They reached Orbergh City. They walked to a Pokemon Center and healed their pokemon while having something to eat. They walked around town looking for the gym. They walked up to the door. Emily pulled on the door. "It's locked" she said. They walked around some more and found a battle tent. "Cool! A Contest Hall!" Seth said running up to the big Contest Hall. "Wait!" Emily said running after him laughing. They walked inside. Seth and Emily walked up to the counter. "Welcome to the Contest Hall." the lady said. "Would you like to enter a contest?" she asked. "Yeah" Seth said. Seth handed the lady his pokedex and she registered it in the computer. "Your all set to go" she said. "The contest starts in a half hour." she said. "Cool, then I can practice" Seth said. Emily and Seth walked around back to where a field of grass and coordinators were. Seth took out a pokeball and Piplup came out of it. "Alright Piplup, lets use Bubble Beam the way we practiced!" Seth said. Piplup jumped in the air and used Bubble Beam while spinning around. Piplup stopped and use Peck on all the bubbles. When the bubbles popped, they glimmered in the sun. Piplup landed in a pose. "Great!" Seth said. Piplup replied happily. "That was so cool!" Emily said. "Thanks" Seth said patting Piplup's head. A half hour went by so fast. Seth quickly got ready and put a seal on Piplup's pokeball. "What's that for?" Emily asked. "To make Piplup's appearence even better. When I throw Piplup's pokeball out, bubbles will surround it and then pop and Piplup will appear" Seth explained. "Alright! Were ready to get this contest started!" the MC called out into her microphone. "First up, we have Kyle and his Kirlia!" Kyle and Kirlia performed. They got good results from the judges. Two more contestants performed and got bad results. "Last, but not least, we have Seth and his Piplup!" Seth and Piplup bowed and statred to begin. They were spectacular! The judges thought so too. Seth came backl stage with Piplup and waited for the results to see who made it to the second round. Seth was the last one to be announced. Seth smiled. Emily smiled. "Alright. You made it to the second round." Emily said. "Yeah" said Seth. Seth and Piplup were first to battle. They battled Kyle and Kirlia. Seth seemed nervous. It looked like the blue streaks in his hair were wet with tiny beats of sweat. Seth awaited a reply from his opponent. "You have the chance to go first" Seth said very professionally. Kyle grinned. "Kirlia, Psybeam!" Kyle ordered. Kirlia attacked. Piplup jumped in the air and powerd up for Peck. Pipul spun through the air like a torpedo and hit Kirlia. Kirlia quickly spun back into position. Without command, Kirlia quickly used Shadow Ball. Kyle's jaw dropped. Shadow ball hit Piplup. Piplup didn't take much damage. "Piplup, Whirlpool!" Seth orderd. Piplup made of pool of water that spun quickly and threw it at Kirlia. Kirlia took a big hit. Kirlia fainted! Seth shot his fist up in the air and smiled real big. "Now, our final challenge! Between Seth and the undefeated champion, Macey!" said the MC. Seth and Macey stood on the battle field. "Ready, loser?" Macey said holding a pokeball and grinning. "You don't know the half of it," Seth said. Seth threw Piplup's pokeball. Macey threw her pokeball, Espeon came out. "Espeon, psychic!" Macey ordered. "Piplup, bubble beam!" Seth said. Piplup dodged the attack and attacked with bubble beam in the air. Espeon was hit. "Espeon, tackle!" Macey screamed. "Piplup, dodge and use peck!" Seth orderd. Piplup avoided the attack again! Espeon was hit badly! "Espeon! Shadow Ball!" Piplup was hit! Totally wipped out! "That's it! Macey wins it again!" the MC said. "Macey stood on the stage with the MC and claimed her ribbion. Macey grinned as Seth walked off the stage. Emily met up with Seth backstage. "Look, it's okay. You know you could beat her any day" Emily said trying to comfort Seth. Emily and Seth sat down on a bench. "I should have won" Seth said sadly. Emily hugged Seth to try and make him feel better. Emily and Seth walked out of the Contest Hall and headed back twoards the gym. It was unlocked. Emily ran into Jared walking out holding a badge. Jared shoved it in Emily's face. Emily pushed his arm out of her way. "Ha! I got my first gym badge! Do you have your's yet?!" Jared asked really snobby like. "No. I'm gonna get it now" Emily answered. "Who's your boyfriend?" Jared asked looking at Seth. "He's not my boyfriend now shut up!" Emily screamed."He's just my friend. His name is Seth" Emily said. "Mr.Pretty Boy, eh?" Jared said while getting up in Seth's face. "Black hair and blue streaks? So old." Jared said grinning. Seth pushed Jared out of his way. "Okay dude, don't have to get all nasty about your girlfriend," Jared said. "She's not my girlfriend!" Seth yelled getting ready to punch Jared. Emily grabbed Seth's arm. Jared ran back into the forest to get to the next town. Seth turned back to Emily. "Sorry, I hate him, why are you friends with him?" Seth asked. "I don't really know, my mom thinks we should 'get married' or something" Emily answered. Seth laughed. They walked inside the gym. A man walked up to Emily and Seth. "So you must be the challenger we were expecting," he said. "Yeah, I'll be battling you" Emily said. The man laughed. "Oh, I'm not the gym leader. He's the gym leader." He pointed to a young man standing on a platform. "He seems too young to be a gym leader," Emily said. "Well I am young but, that's me, the Orbergh City Gym Leader!" the young man said. "I should introduce myself, I'm Roark." Emily grinned, "Okay then, lets go" Emily and Roark battled until one pokemon from each team was left. Torchic and Cranidos. "Torchic, Ember!" Emily comanded. "Cranidos, Zen Headbutt!" Roark said. Torchic attacked and knocked out Cranidos. "Looks like you've won, I'm happy to present you with the Orbergh Gym badge." Roark handed Emily the badge. Emily put the badge away with pride. Emily smiled and ran out the door. Seth following behind. They met up at a bridge crossing a huge river. Emily leaned over the edge of the bridge. Seth stood next to her leaning over the edge too. "You know, there's a tag-team battle in the next city, wanna enter with me?" Seth asked looking at Emily with his hair in his face smiling. "Sure, Sounds fun" Emily said smiling. They walked twoards the next city encountering more pokemon and getting stronger, TO BE CONTINUED! BE SURE TO READ THE NEXT CHAPTER WHICH WILL BE POSTED TODAY!! FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO EMILY AND SETH AND JARED! |
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Well I don't really care what you say, everyone else likes my story! So be quiet! And it was rude! |
Chapter 4
CHAPTER 4 We left Emily and Seth heading to the next town and Seth brought up a tag-team battle... Emily and Seth walked along a beach to the next town. It felt sort of romantic. Emily and Seth held hands and walked down the beach. They decided to stop and go swiming. Emily wanted to catch some water pokemon. Emily changed into her bathing suit so did Seth. Emily dove in the water. She popped up from the water. "C'mon Seth" Emily said signaling Seth to come in. Seth dove in the water. Emily swam underneath the water. Seth swam after her. They found a house under water. They swam back up. Emily took a gasp of breath. "Why do you think a house is down there?" Emily asked. Seth shrugged. Seth's wet hair shined in the glimmer of the sun. Emily's brown hair set on her shoulders. Seth dove back down to the dark depths. Emily swam back to the beach. She waited for a long time. Seth never came back up. Emily got worried. Emily dove into the water to look for him. She found him locked in the house. He was banging on the window screaming. Emily swam as fast as she could and tried to open the door. A few minutes later, she didn't see Seth. She kicked in the door in and found Seth on the ground. She picked him up and swam back to shore. She set him on the beach. Trying to make him breath again, she pounded on his chest lightly. Water came out of his mouth. He woke up, coughing up water. When he sat up, Emily quickly wrapped her arms around his neck and hugged him. "I'm so glad your okay" she cried. She let go and looked into his eyes. She moved his hair out of his eyes and smiled. She handed him a towel. "Hey, thanks for saving me back there," he said. "Your welcome" Emily said. Emily put her clothes back on, so did Seth and they headed on their journey again. It started to get darker out. They were still in the forest. It was dark and really scary in there. Emily saw something fly over her head. She screamed and held onto Seth. Still holding onto Seth, they walked through the dark forest. Someone approached them with a pokemon beside them. He or she was holding a pokeball, and seemed like they were grinning. They walked into the light and they saw Jared's face. Seth gave Jared a dirty look. Jared saw Emily holding onto Seth. "Looks like you two are boyfriend and girlfriend after all," Jared said grinning. Seth seemed like he had enough. Seth looked into Emily's eyes. Emily looked at Seth. "Please don't," Emily asked hugging Seth. Seth gave Jared another dirty look. "So you two entering the tag-team battle in the next town?" Jared asked. "Maybe" Seth said. "If we were, we'll definetly beat you." Seth said with his arm around Emiy. Emily grinned at Jared then hugged Seth ignoring Jared's snippy comments. They turned and walked away, Jared quielty followed them. TO BE CONTINUED!! NEXT CHAPTER COMMING TODAY OR TOMORROW!!! FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN!! |
That review Barkovitch posted was not rude. It was far from it. He was actually just trying to help you improve your story. Because you are breaking the rules of basic grammar. And when you break the rules of basic grammar, then your story's quality is low, and it could be closed.
You should listen to the advice that people give you to help you improve your story. You shouldn't stick your fingers in your ears and ignore any advice given to you. Because Barkovitch was just trying to help you improve to make sure that your fic doesn't get closed. The most basic thing that's bugging me is your humongous bold underlined font at the end of your chapters. It's like you're smacking your readers over the head to get them to keep reading. I mean, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I USE CAPS TOWARDS YOU, OR DO YOU FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU? It's rather rude and jarring to see that sized font all of a sudden. Now as I was going on about with your grammar, it needs improvement. You're missing punctuation at the end of your sentences. You have spelling errors. You need to make a new paragraph every time someone speaks. There's a stickied guide in the Lounge you can read over to learn to fix some of your mistakes. Your chapters, with the exception of the third one, are also rather short. You could add in more description as to what's going on in the story. I don't have the time to go through each problem in your chapters, so I'll just tell you to improve your grammar and use a spell-checker, like spellchecker.net to make basic improvements to your story. And fix the size of your ending fonts. Otherwise, I might be forced to close your story. |
The most basic thing that's bugging me is your humongous bold underlined font at the end of your chapters. It's like you're smacking your readers over the head to get them to keep reading. I mean, DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN I USE CAPS TOWARDS YOU, OR DO YOU FEEL LIKE I'M YELLING AT YOU? It's rather rude and jarring to see that sized font all of a sudden.
Wow, Astinus, I remember when you said that to me (ouch) Do you copy and paste that saying? But Pokefan32, you SHOULD recorrect some things, like Yea should be Yeah. |
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Ok. I'll fix it today thanks;) |
Anytime, Pokefan! *filler*
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Look, im fixing it, okay? None of you can tell me how to write my stories |
I can, so HA!
Um....You might not want to talk back to Astinus. *cowboy accent* He's the man around these parts, and I reckon there'll be a standoff at 'noon. |
*also cowboy accent* i reckon they aint tellin' you what to do they just givin' ya'all some friendly advice! :D
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oh....okay, thanks, I better tell my bro that cause he is known to backtalk to everybody... |
Xd so sad, but true :D lol.
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Yea, my bro just made an account so watch out for him... |
Chapter 5
CHAPTER 5 We left Emily and Seth walking through the forest to the next town.... Emily and Seth walked through the forest quietly. They were trying to hurry to the end before daybreak. They saw some light shining through the trees, they ran twoards it. They finally found the exit and headed to the nearest Pokemon Center. They walked in and handed Nurse Joy their pokemon. They decided to stay there until the sun rose which was about in a hour or two. Jared walked in a few minutes later and sat down across from Seth and Emily. "So, are you two entering the tag-team battle in the next town?" Jared asked. Seth looked at Jared, then at Emily,"Yeah. What's it to you?" Seth asked. "Nothing,just asking cause you might wanna catch some more pokemon if your gonna enter," Jared explained. Emily rolled her eyes then got up and walked outside. Emily sat down on the ground in front of the pokemon center. She heard the doors open and close. Jared sat down beside her. "What's wrong with you?" he asked. Emily didn't answer. Jared reached to hug Emily. Emily pushed him away. Jared looked puzzled. "I don't like you," Emily finally said. She got up and walked back inside. Jared sat out there for quite sometime. Seth finally decided to be the better person and walk outside to see what was wrong. He saw someone running into the forest. Seth ran after the person and grabbed their arm. "So, you decided to come out and see what was wrong,eh?" the person said. Seth noticed the voice and let go of his arm. "You are very smart, for a loser" he said. "You've been doing your research, haven't you?" Seth said. "Maybe, I saw you lose yesterday. You were pathetic," he said. Seth turned him around and looked striaght at his face. "Look, I really don't care if I win or lose, it's about the pokemon," Seth promptly said. "Look, I really don't care about the stupid pokemon, I'm here to win, and that's all that matters." Jared said walking away. Seth walked through the doors of the Pokemon Center. Emily was asleep on the couch. Seth sat in a chair next to the couch. And thought long and hard about why Jared was acting like this... WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? KEEP READING TO FIND OUT! CHAPTER 6 WILL BE THIS WEEK |
Lol
Not if you win or lose, it's about the pokemon XD Nice job, keep up the awesome work! |
Awesome, Chapter six!
Can't wait for the next chapter! |
Chaptern 6
CHAPTER 6 We left Seth and Emily at a pokemon center... Seth fell asleep in the chair. Emily woke up a few hours later and tried to wake up Seth. She walked out of the pokemon center and to the pokemart down the road to get some supplies. She walked back to the pokemon center with a bag filled with pokemon goods. Seth sat on the chair with a glass of orange juice waiting. "Hey," Emily said. Seth put the glass on the table and got up and took to bag from Emily. He walked out of the pokemon center. Emily ran after him. "Wait up!" Emily screamed as she ran up the road to catch up. She grabbed Seth's arm. "What is wrong with you?" Seth looked at her and took her hand off his arm. Emily looked at Seth confused. "Nothing. What do you see in that Jared kid?" he asked. "What do you mean?" Emily asked. "Your always talking to him," Seth said. "Are you saying I like him? Cause I don't" Emily explained. "Well then who do you like?" Seth asked. Emily wrapped her arms around Seth's neck and looked into his eyes, "I like you," Emily said. She gave Seth a kiss on the check and smiled. Seth looked at Emily. "Really?" Seth asked. "Really." Emily answered. Seth hugged Emily and smiled. They packed up the good Emily bought in their bags and headed to the next town. They entered the next town with new pokemon. Emily now has an Elekid and her Ralts evolved into a Kirlia. They approached the battle arena where the tag-team battle was being held. They walked in and looked around. "Wow," Emily said. "Yeah." said Seth. They walked up to the counter and the lady entered them in the computer. And handed them their numbers. They read their numbers: Emily was number 15 and Seth was number 29 They both hopped they wouldn't have to battle eachother. They walked out to the battle field where many trainers were talking with eachother. Emily and Seth talked about the stragtegies they would use. Which wasn't very smart. The Mayor of the town began talking. He hit a big red button and numbers appeared on the screen. Emily was paired with number 6 and Seth was paired with number 12. Emily handed Kirlia the number and walked around with Kirlia showing the number while Emily looked around. "Of course you had to be number 15," someone said. "Yeah! And I'm ready to win!" Emily said as she turned around to see Jared standing before her. "So, since were partners, we'll be spending a lot of time together," Jared said. "Hmph, In your dreams," Emily said crossing her arms. Jared had a Mawhile by his side. Kirlia seemed furious and so did Mawhile. Emily just stood there ignoring Jared. Seth finally found his partner, Macey, the girl from the contest. "So, the loser is back up and running again," Macey said looking at Seth with her hand on her hip and her Espeon by her side."Look, can we set aside our diffrences and try to win this thing?" Seth asked trying to make Macey say "ok." "Maybe," Macey said. "If you can manage." Seth rolled his eyes. Seth's Piplup stood proudly like it never lost. The Mayor said to get plenty of rest and work with your pokemon for the rest of the day. Emily and Jared walked out and sat down by a place where they could get food. Jared had some fries and Emily just had a drink. Seth and Macey came a few minutes later. Seth sat down next to Emily and Macey sat next to Jared. Emily sipped her drink. Emily's Torchic stood on the table between Emily and Seth trying to sip Emily's soda. Torchic fell off the table. Emily picked up Torchic and put it in her lap. Emily looked depressed. "What's wrong?" Seth asked. Emily looked at him,"Nothing." she answered. Seth wrapped his arm around Emily. It began to get dark. They walked to the Resort Area up to their rooms. They all had to share a room. Jared and Macey slept on one side. And Emily and Seth slept on the other. Emily woke up in the middle of the night and walked out to the balcony and looked over the town. "This is going to be hard, facing Seth." Emily said to herself. Seth walked out and stood besid her. "The town looks beautiful, don't you think?" Seth said. "It's almost as pretty as you." Emily looke at Seth and smiled. "Thanks" she replied. Emily gave Seth a kiss on the cheek and walked back inside and went back to sleep. Seth went to bed too. Morning came. The first day of the competition. They all got dressed and walked to the Arena. Emily and Jared were battling people named Devin and Missy. "Grovyle, stand by for battle!" Devin said as he threw the pokeball. "Pachirisu, battle dance!" Missy said as she twirled and threw the pokeball. "Torchic, lets go!" Emily said as she threw Torchic's pokeball. "Mawhile,go!" Jared said as he tossed the pokeball. "Grovyle, Leaf Blade!" Devin commanded. "Torchic, dodge and use Ember!" Emily comanded. Grovyle was hit. "Pachirisu, Discharge!" Missy orderd. Mawhile and Torchic dodged it, "Mawhile, Bite!" Jared screamed. Mawhile bit Pachirisu and Pachirisu fainted. "Torchic, Flame Wheel!" Emily said. "Grovyle, dodge, and use Razor Leaf!" Devin yelled. Torchic was hit but rebounded and hit Grovyle. Grovyle fianted! Emily and Jared won the first round. "Aren't you excited we won Jared?" Emily asked. "I guess," Jared answered. Emily and Jared walked to the resort area to hang out. Seth and Macey walked by a few minutes later. Emily was sitting on the ground playing with Torchic. Kirlia was dancing around and twirling everywhere. Everyone laughed. "So, did you guys win?" Emily asked Seth. "Yeah, and you?" Seth answered. "We won too." Emily said. They all went up to their room and went to bed... TO BE CONTINUED... FIND OUT IF EMILY AND SETH HAVE TO BATTLE! |
Awesome...but Torchic can't learn Flame Wheel...
Well, t sucks that Seth and Emily are on opposing teams, but Macey seems to be warming up to him (barely), and Jackass Jared is being, well, Jackass Jared. A couple! Cool! I could imagine Macey and Jared together... I think if Seth got a Shiny Male Ralts that evolves into Gallade, that'd be awesome. Then Gallade could protect Gardevoir (that is, if Kirlia evolves) Keep up the awesome work! Lol Kirlia and Mawile..that reminds me of Once In A Mawile, at the end, when Mawile fell in love with a Kirlia |
Wow... Short chaps...
But oh wells.... I got one tip... When you make people talk, always make a new line for each person :D Mawille doesn't have a "h" but that doesnt matter.... There was a little bit of change tensing... eg: Quote:
Hmms... How old is Emily? Because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't admit who I liked so..uh....fast... But that doesn't matter...:D Anyway, I won't give a detailed review (eg. Quoting it a lot) because you dont sem to like them... Can you...uh...not use the big font with bold italics and underline? It's kind of weird Just put normal text...Good enough I say... Keep writing! |
Lol that's what I told her...
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Chapter 7
Soory it took me forever to post this chapter! Lotsa studying for BIG tests, any way, here it is!
CHAPTER 7 Day 2 of the competition. Jared was the first one up and dressed. Everyone else got dressed too. They walked out to the arena to await the Round 2 battle pairs. Figures Emily and Seth were facing eachother. "This is gonna be fun," Jared said grinning. Emily looked at Jared and rolled her eyes. They were the first to battle. "Regice, go!" Jared said throwing the pokeball. "Kirlia, lets go!" Emily said throwing the pokeball. "Eevee, stand by!" Seth said throwing the pokeball. "Blazekin, battle dance!" Macey said as she tossed the pokeball. "Regice, Ice Beam!" Jared said. Regice attacked Eevee and Blazekin. Blazekin took some serious damage. "Kirlia, Shadow Ball!" Kirlia attacked both. "Eevee use-" Seth said but got cut off by Macey's loud voice. "Blazekin, Fire Spin!" Regice fainted. Kirlia was left. "Kirlia, Hyper Beam, and max it out!" Kirlia shot a very powerful hyper beam. Kirlia began to evolve. Kirlia evolved into Gardevoir! But Gardevoir had taken some big damage. "Blazekin, Close Combat!" Macey yelled. Blazekin attacked Gardevoir. Gardevoir fainted! Seth and Macey won! Emily walked out of the arena. Seth came running behind her. "What's wrong?" Seth asked. "Oh, nothing. Just that you should've let me win!" Emily yelled. "Why?" Seth asked. "Because. that's what friends are supposed to do for eachother, remember?" Emily explained. "Look, if you can't be happy for me, then I guess were through." Seth said looking really depressed. "Fine." Emily said. She turned and walked away. Seth stood there. Tears started to fill his eyes. FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT IN CHAPTER 8 WHICH I SHOULD BE POSTING FRIDAY OR SOONER! |
Damn, Emily got issues (XD meant as spelled)
Seth didn't once attack, and why the hell does Jared have a Regice?! |
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I really don't know why Seth never attacked. I guess I just forgot, and the reason Jared has a Regice is beacause I wanted him to have a legendary pokemon and his heart is as cold as ice so, you get the idea |
Chapter 8
Yes! I am getting Chapter 8 in before the end of the week!
Emily and Seth had a some what big argument, they broke up and Seth regreted everything he said: CHAPTER 8 It was late at night. Emily was sitting on the ledge of the balcony looking over the city.(BTW She won't fall. I have done this before and don't call me crazy!) Seth lied in bed staring at the ceiling. Thinking, I am so stupid! Why did I yell at her? Why, that was the stupidest thing I have ever done! Now Jared will try and go for her! Crap! My life totally sucks now! Seth heard creaking. He covered his face with the blanket. He saw Jared getting up and walking outside. Jared set his arms on the ledge where Emily sat. "Look, I know you are ticked off at Seth, but don't worry, you have me to fall back on" Emily slapped Jared in the back of the head. Emily turned and jumped off the ledge. She walked back into the room. "She'll warm up to me," Jared said. "No I won't!" Emily said quietly. They all fell asleep except for Seth. He was really depressed. So he decided to put on a sweatshirt and a pair of old jeans and sneakers and walked outside. He walked through the whole town. By 7:00 a.m, he was back at the hotel. He yawned as he walked up stairs and got dressed. He walked back outside and down to the food area and sat down at a table. Jared came walking up to him. "Dude, what's your problem? I mean you didn't even try to look nice!" Jared said acting like he was the boss of everything. " I don't know. Got something on my mind I guess." Seth said. "Well, I don't know aything about your 'pretty boy' problems so, don't ask me." Jared said. The sun began to rise over the stadium and the trainers and coordinators began piling out of the hotel. They all filled the stadium around ten. Emily and Jared took seats at the floor of the arena. Torchic sat on Emily's lap. "So who do you think will win?" Jared asked Emily. Emily didn't respond. "Okay..." Three battles have passed and Seth and Macey were the last to battle. They won their match. Now the finals where today at 5:00p.m. Seth decided to take a walk through the woods. He caught a shiny Ralts while he was there too. It seemed pretty strong, so he had a feeling it would evolve soon. Seth walked to the food area to find Emily, Jared, and Macey sitting at a table. Emily's head was rested on Jared's shoulder. That made Seth mad. Even though Seth wanted nothing to do with her(sarcasim, deep down he still loves her! LOL) Seth took a seat next to Macey. "Great job on your match," Jared said trying not to sound sarcastic. "Whatever," Set replied. "Dude! What the hell is your problem! I mean you broke up with Emily and now your Mr. Tough guy?! You need help dude!" Jared screamed. Seth stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "Look, I really don't care what you say jackass Jared but your the one who needs help! And I really don't care if you try and kiss up to Emily, cause she isn't like that. I should know." Seth yelled. He got up and walked away. Emily looked up at Jared. "Look. I don't know what has gotten into me. I think I actually fell sorry for Seth." Jared said looking confused at what he said. The girls looked at him. Jared shrugged. TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE WHAT SALL HAPPEN IN THE FINALS!!! CHAPTER 9 WILL BE POSTED TOMORROW! |
Chapter 9
Yes! Chapter 9! Hope yall like it!
CHAPTER 9 The finals were in a few minutes. Jared and Emily were sitting down in the stands. Emily was looking around for Seth. "Where is Seth? He's battling soon," Emily said. "I don't know. But if he doen't show, he'll have to forfit." Jared said. Emily kept looking around for Seth. He hasn't shown. Jared got up and ran out of the stadium. He walked around trying to find Seth. He found him sitting on a bench by a tiny fountain. Jared ran over and stood in front of him. Seth looked up. "What?" Seth said. "Dude, the finals are next. Don't you wanna go and win?" Jared said. Seth just looked at his reflection in the water. Jared grabbed Seth's arm and pulled him to the stadium. Once they got there, Jared pushed him onto the battle feild. Jared walked up to his seat. Seth turned to him. "I'm gonna get you for this!" Seth screamed. Macey ran over to Seth. "Where were you? Well that doesn't matter cmon!" Macey said. Macey pulled Seth over to their positions. Seth took out a pokeball. Seth tossed it. The shiny Ralts came out. Macey sent out Espeon. The opposing team sent out a Nuzleaf and a Swello. "Ralts, Psybeam!" Seth said. Ralts attacked. Swello dodge it. "Swello, Wing Attack!" it's trainer called out. Swello attacked Espeon and Ralts. "Ralts, Shadow Ball!" Seth said. Ralts attacked both Nuzleaf and Swello. Swello took a lot of damage. "Nuzleaf, Leaf Blade!" it's trainer said. Nuzleaf attacked with a very powerfull Leaf Blade. Espeon was almost done. "Espeon, Hyper Beam!" Macey said. Espeon knocked out Swello. Ralts began to evolve. Ralts evolved into a Kirlia. Macey handed Seth a stone. "It's a Dawn Stone, you might need it," Macey said smiling. Seth held up the Dawn Stone to Kirlia. A beam of light lit up the stadium. When the light dimmed, Gallade stood infront of Seth's face. Seth grinned. "Gallade, Psycho Cut!" Gallade attacked Nuzleaf. Nuzleaf went down! "Nuzleaf and Swello are unable to battle, the champions are Macey and Seth with Espeon and Gallade!" the refferee said. Macey hugged Seth. "We won! We won! We won!" Macey said. She let go of Seth. "Oh, sorry," Seth turned to Emily then hugged Macey again. Emily rolled her eyes. The mayor presented Macey and Seth with the prize, the Soothe Bell! They all walked out of the stadium. Emily walked next to Jared, and Seth walked next to Macey. "Well, congradulations on the win guys," Jared said. "Thanks" Macey and Seth replied. They all walked out of the town. "Hey, why don't I come with you guys on your journey?" Jared asked. "That sounds wonderful," Emily answered. "I'll come too" Macey said. They all walked out of the town and headed for the next. WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? FIND OUT! |
Chapter 10
Yeah! Chapter 10! Before you read this, read chapter 9 first, or at least the last few lines....
CHAPTER 10 They all walked through the grass and through the trees catching more and more pokemon along the way: "So," Jared said as he broke the silence. "Sorry Jared I guess no one wants to talk" Emily said. Emily moved closer to Jared. "Um, so, isn't there an gym in the next town?" Macey said. No one replied. Emily gently leaned her head on Jared's shoulder. That ticked Seth off. "Dude look, stop trying to steal my girl." Seth said pushing Jared in the chest. Emily looked at Seth puzzled. "So, you decided to start caring again?" Emily said. "Yes. I'm sorry okay. Now can we please just kiss and make up?" Seth said. Emily shook her head. "Nope, sorry won't cut it. Your a sweet sweet guy Seth but, I just don't feel it anymore." Emily said shrugging. Seth tried to push her into a tree, but Jared got in front of him trying to block him. Emily jolted backwards looking some what terrified. "What's happening?" Macey said. "Fine, if you won't take me back, I will just start to date Macey then." Seth said getting close to Macey. Emily rolled her eyes. "Whatever Seth, I really don't care anymore." Emily said. They kept on walking. Jared seemed sort of sad. His head was drooped down looking at the ground. And Seth's arm was wrapped around Macey's waist like they were going out. Emily stopped and hugged Jared. Tears actually filled his eyes. Emily gave Jared another hug. They kept walking. They reached the next town. Walking up to the pokemon center at 11:00 at night. They decided to spend the night there. Emily sat on a couch that wrapped around a fire place. Jared walked over and sat next to her. He wrapped his arm around her neck. She set her head on his shoulder, then fell asleep. So did everyone else, except the boys.... FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN! CHAPTER 11 TO BE COMING SOON!! HOPEFULLY BEFORE FRIDAY! |
Damn...I actually almost cried on chapter 9.
Why did Macey actually have a Dawn Stone, and why did Seth push Emily against the tree? |
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wow....Macey carries a bunch of crap with her so, and Seth didn't push Emily against the tree, he almost did though because Emily pissed him off |
*imagines Macey carrying a skull in her bag* Oh.
That scene in the forest actually remids me of something I did XD |
Your storys are great keep up the good work ^__^!
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hey, sorry chapter 10 was so short,
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Chapter 11
Chapter 11! CHAPTER 11 Emily and Macey slept on the couch in the pokemon center. Jared and Seth stayed awake. They didn't look at eachother once all night. They didn't even speak. Morning came and it was stormy out. They all grabbed their pokemon after healing them and walked out. Jared looked up at the sky. "Looks like rain," he said. "Well, we aren't stoping now." Emily said. Jared nodded. Emily got new clothes, black shorts and a black hoodie with a red pokeball on the bottom left hand side. Emily pulled the hood over her head. They walked for hours in the rain. "Hey, look, a house" Seth said. They all ran up and walked inside. "Hello?" Macey called out. No one answered. They heard something,"Kirly? Kirlia?" They all turned around. They saw a table, no chairs, plates or anything. Accept for the chandelier above the table, and a candlebra on the table that wasn't lit. They turned back around. They heard little tapping noises. They turned around once again. They saw a Kirlia and Ralts standing on the table looking up at them. "Aww, how cute" Emily said. Emily saw a shadow in the distance, in the shape of a pokemon's head. The pokemon walked into the light. An Absol stood behind the table. It jumped up onto the table and glared at all of them. CHAPTER 12 TO BE POSTED SOON! SORRY THIS IS SHORT! |
Seth should get that Absol, then terrorize Emily with it (and of course use it in contests along with Piplup, Eevee, and Gallade), if he's just going to keep hating her.
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Chapter 12
Seth,Jared,Macey, and Emily were in an abandoned house with an Absol as the leader of the rest of the pokemon inside.
CHAPTER 12 The Absol stood on the table glaring at them. It looked like it was ready to attack. Seth walked up to the table and reached his hand out. Seth stroked the Absol's head. The Absol bowed its head to show a sign of "respect." The other pokemon seemed to sense that the Absol trusted Seth and the others. "Seth, what are you doing?" Jared said. "That could be someone else's pokemon for all you know," "Calm down Jared," Seth said. "These pokemon haven't seen humans until today apparently, I'm guessing that their trainer abandoned them." Emily looked around. She spotted a picture on the wall. She walked over to it and took the picture off the wall. "Hey look," Emily said holding up the picture "I'm guessing that this was their trainer. And he abandoned them a while ago, so they have been here for a while with nothing but a dark house and trainers comming here and they would scare them away," Jared blinked. "You can tell all of that from a picture you found just sitting on the wall?" Jared asked stupidly. "Well of course, I mean the picture is old and the boy in the picture was young. So by now, the boy is older. And the picture is in black and white" Emily explained. Seth took out a pokeball,"Well one thing's for sure, their trainer isn't comming back," Seth held up the pokeball up to the Absol. A red beam of light surrounded the Absol, the pokeball pinged. "Okay Seth, when their trainer comes back and finds his pokemon missing, it will be your funeral." Jared said. "So what, it's his fault for leaving his pokemon stranded here." Emily said holding the baby Ralts. They walked out the door with the other pokemon following them. Emily put the baby Ralts down. The Kirlia stood next to it. A Gardevoir peeked out from behind a tree and came over to the Kirlia and Ralts. "Wow, looks like they really haven't seen eachother for a while" Macey said. "You know, if all those pokemon got along well together in that house all those years, you and Emily could make up, Seth" Jared said. "No way, We'll make up when I want to which isn't now," Emily said. Jared shrugged. They all walked into the next town. They looked over the water and they saw a castle. "What do you think is going on over there?" Emily asked. "I don't know, but it wouldn't hurt to find out!" Jared said as he ran down the hill to the bridge. They all ran after him. They were all walking across the bridge. Everyone else was dressed up. "Well remember my father saying that they have a festival here in honnor of Sir Erin," Jared said. "Who's Sir Erin?" Macey asked. "The Gaurdian of the Aura" Jared said. Macey nodded. They walked inside the castle. And walked into a room where a lot of costumes were. "I remember my mom and dad went to this same festival, this should be exciting!" Seth said looking for a costume. Seth picked up a costume and put it on. Emily wore a beautiful dress, Macey wore a suit like costume, and Jared wore a knight costume. Seth jumped out wearing a costume like Sir Erin's, but he didn't know what it was. Seth sorta looked like Sir Erin too. They all went down to where the competition was. "We will now begin our anual competition in honnor of Sir Erin's nobel deeds!" Lady Ilene said standing in a high balcony with a Mime Jr. at her side. The competition began. Seth was first up to battle with someone dressed like a squire. "Absol go!" Seth said throwing the pokeball. "Roserade, stand by!" the opponent said. "Absol, Quick Attack!" Seth said. Absol attacked the Roserade. Roserade flew back into the wall, but kicked off just in time. "Roserade, Toxic!" it's trainer ordered. Roserade began to attack. Absol darted each way it could to avoid the attack. It finally jumped up and dove down into Roserade. Battles passed until the finals. Jared and Seth. "Absol, go!" Seth said throwing the pokeball. "Weavile, Shadow Ball!" Jared ordered when he threw the pokeball. Weavile came out and attacked Absol. But Absol ran the other way. "Absol,Swords Dance!" Seth said. Absol attacked Weavile. Weavile was down. "Weavile is unable to battle, Absol wins! We have a new Gaurdian for the year!" the referee said. FIND OUT WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT! |
XD seriously, you should stop using Pokemon Movie plotlines XD *BTW, it's Aaron*
LOL....whatever happened to his Eevee and Piplup? |
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Well, I always though it was "Erin" it sounds like that. And I was watching Lucario Mystery of Mew at the moment, that will be the only thing I copy from now on, no more copying, promise. |
*coughs* What about the tag battles? *cough*
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you mean the one when Seth and Macey were paired and Jared and Emily were paired? Macey and Seth won that a while ago, |
*points out that was in the Anime*
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Chapter 13
CHAPTER 13 They were all in the caslte. Seth was handed Sir Aaron's staff. The ball began. Seth, Emily, Jared, and Macey's pokemon were wondering around the castle. Seth got up and walked over to Emily. "May I have this dance?" Seth asked holding his hand out. Emily smiled. "You may," She said taking Seth's hand. "Look, I'm really sorry. Will you ever forgive me?" Seth said looking at Emily. Emily looked down at the floor, then back up at Seth, and smiled. She kissed Seth on the cheek. "Of course," Emily said. Seth smiled. Jared stoof next to Macey. "So, they are pretty cute together, aren't they?" Jared said. Macey pushed Jared's head down. "I know what your thinking, never gonna happen." Macey said smiling. Jared frowned. Upstairs in the castle were there pokemon. They found toys in an attic. Eevee jumped onto a box and it fell down. Balls fell down from the shelf. Absol stopped one with it's foot. They all played around for a while. The next day came. They all left the palace. Emily went to get her next badge and Seth went to enter another pokemon contest. Absol walked next to Seth, Emily was holding Torchic in her arms walking next to Seth and Jared. "So, the next town awaits." Seth said running foward. Absol running next to him. "Hey wait!" Emily screamed running after him with Torchic in her arms. Jared and Macey ran after them. |
Chapter 14
CHAPTER 14 They all entered Eterna Forest. "L-L-L-Lets go back" Jared said with his teeth chattering. Seth looked at Jared, "Don't be such a baby Jared, I'm younger than you and I'm not scared," Seth said looking up at the night sky. They were about to exit Eterna Forest when a shadow hovered over them. Emily looked up and saw a big bird pokemon flying above head. "Hey, look" Emily said pointing at the bird pokemon. They all looked up. "Whoa, what is that thing?" Macey said. Emily took out her pokedex. It didn't say anything about the pokemon. "Hmm, doesn't say" Emily said putting away the pokedex. They exited from Eterna Forest and entered Eterna City. Jared took a step foward and got hit by someone on a bike. The person stopped and hopped off the bike and ran twoards Jared lying on the ground. "I am so sorry!" The girl said. She tried to help Jared up, but he wouldn't get up. 'Give me a break' Seth though. "Oh no, you can't get up" the girl said. "By the way, my name is Sam" she said taking out a pokeball. "You don't mind being lifted, do you?" Sam asked. Jared looked at her "Being lifted-" Jared began to say. "Infernape, help us out" Sam said as Infernape came out of the pokeball. Infernape picked up Jared and ran into a house. "Come on everyone," Sam said getting on her bike. Everyone else followed her into a house. "Alex I'm home!" Sam shouted. A girl walked up from the basement holding a case with a pokemon egg in it. "Hey, I'm Alex" she said and looked at Jared. Alex set the case on the table and walked over to the couch and sat next to Jared. "So, what did Sam do to you?" she asked spraying Jared's wounds with medicein. She wrapped it up. "There, all better" Alex said smiling. Jared got up and looked at Alex. "I-I-I-I'm Jared" Jared said sticking his hand out. "Nice to meet you Jared" Alex said shaking his hand. Jared blushed. |
Damn...short this time, and seriously, Emily's the one who started the fight.
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sorry they are so short, haven't had much computer time
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Chapter 15
CHAPTER 15 I know some of you, well one of you, actually a lot of you said the chaps were short, well I hope the next few chapters pay off! Jared let go of Alex's hand and put it in his pocket. "So what brings all of you to Eterna City?" Sam asked. "I'm entering a pokemon contest," Seth said "Yeah, and Emily and I are gonna challenge the gym" Jared said "I just do whatever my pokemon want, and In this case, it's the contest" Macey said. "Cool, so it looks like you all have diffrent personalities" Alex said. "Well thanks for everything" Seth said. They walked out and Sam came running after them carrying the case with the pokemon egg in it. "My sister wanted you to have this" Sam said holding the case twoards Jared. Jared took the case. "Tell her thanks" Jared said. Sam ran back home and they walked through Eterna City. The sky was filled with stars and pokemon. They walked in a pokemon center and healed there pokemon. Jared sat down with the egg on his lap. Seth came over and sat next to him. "So what do you think is in the egg?" Seth said looking at the blue egg. "Don't really know," Jared said studying the egg. Seth srugged and got up to help the girls with food. They began to eat. Seth's Eevee sat on the table eating pokemon food with Emily's Combusken. The egg sat on the table in front of Jared. "So you have no idea what pokemon will hatch from it?" Emily said. "No, I guess not. I mean, I have never hatched a pokemon egg before" Jared said leaning back in the chair. "My guess is, it's some type of water pokemon" Macey said "What makes you say that," Jared said turing the case and looking at the egg. "Well, for one, it's blue, and two, trust me on this. I'm a pokemon egg expert" Macey explained. "Oh yeah, if your an expert, why can't you tell me what will hatch from it!" Jared said. "Well the pokemon that will hatch from it varries until it actually does hatch" Macey said. Jared threw out everyone's trash. They all walked out. They headed for the contest hall. They all walked inside and saw trainers making their pokemon look like other pokemon. Seth looked around puzzled as he walked up to the counter. "Um excuse me?" Seth said. The lady turned around. "Hi would you like to register?" she asked. "Yeah" Seth said. "Me too please" Macey said. The lady registered both of them. "This is a dress up contest. And the pokemon that looks the most like a diffrent pokemon wins this," She said holding up a blue ribbon. "Cool, register us too!" Jared said standing next to Emily. She registered them both. They walked out to the practice area. Seth took out a pokeball and threw it, Gallade came out. "Okay Gallade, what pokemon will you most look like," Seth said pacing in front of Gallade. Emily took out a pokeball and trew it, Combusken came out. "I know! Combusken, you will be Prinplup!" Emily said. "Cool! The Gallade can be Infernape!" Seth said. "Then I guess my Umbreon will be a Luxio!" Macey said. "And my Mawile can be, um Abipom?" Jared said. The next day came, and so did the contest. They all dressed up there pokemon. Jared was first up to show his Mawile. The judges gave him a bad score. It wasn't that believable anyway. Macey was up next with her Umbreon. She got a perfect score. Next was Seth. Gallade stood proud, like an Infernape. Perfect score. Last was Emily with Combusken. Emily got perfect scores too. Jared was the only one who didn't make it to the next round. They had to battle now. They were still in costume though. Emily and some guy named Bryan. Bryan had a Luxuray dressed as a Jolteon. "Combusken, Fire Spin!" Emily said. Combusken's costume broke and it attacked. Luxuray got hit. "Luxuray, Thunder!" Bryan said as Luxuray's costume broke. The whole stadium lit up and Luxuray attacked with a boom. A strip of lighting came down to the battle field. Combusken dodged it and used Flame Thrower. Luxuray was down. The next round was Seth and Macey. "Gallade, Psycho Cut!" Seth said, Gallade's costume broke and it attacked Umbreon with many hits. "Umbreon, Dark Pulse!" Macey said as Umbreon's costume broke and hit Gallade with a powerful Dark Pulse. Gallade was still standing. "Gallade, Close Combat!" Seth said. Gallade attacked and Umbreon was down. But next were Emily and Seth. "Combusken, FlameThrower!" Emily said. Combusken attacked Gallade. "Gallade, Shadow Ball!" Seth said. Gallade attacked. Combusken took a big hit. "Combusken, u-u-use Mach Punch!" Emily said as Combusken attack. Gallade held up Combusken and threw it to the ground. "Alright Gallade, finish it off with Close Combat!" Seth said. Gallade attacked. Combusken was down. Seth won! The MC presented Seth with the ribbon. They all walked out. Seth looking very proud. Seth put the ribbon away. "So I guess time for me to get my gym badge!" Emily said running twoards the gym. "Hey! Wait for us!" Seth and Jared said. They all ran after her. |
Ok, Seth's Gallade owns.
AND btw another show storyline copied |
dude! it wasn't exactly! mine was wayyy better!
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Hah...Just use Word or Notepad to make those chaps longer...
It's called "save". Press 'ctrl' and 's' at the same time...xD Well, I sure have missed out... Strange...I only find Erureido's (hope I spelt that right) and my posts here... Shame more people don't reply....They have so many reads...but NO REPLYS!!! |
I know, its weird, really weird
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meh...you need longer chapters.
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Chapter 16
I'm gonna add a character that is never in anime only once or twice, anyway, a lot of you should know him.
Emily ran inside the pokemon gym to see trees and grass covering every inch. "Wow" Jared said walking inside. "Yeah. I know" a girl said walking up to them. "I'm Gardenia, Eterna City gym leader and lover of grass pokemon." "Yeah yeah. Now stop talking and lets get to battling!" Jared said. "Whoa. Hold on there. I will battle you just wait. After this trainer battles me." Gardenia said pointing to a boy leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. "Brendan?" Macey said. "You know who he is?" Emily asked. "Yeah. We met a while back in Hoenn. I never wondered what happened to him." Macey said. Brendan walked over. "Well, Well, if it isn't Macey." Brendan said. "Looks like you made some new friends," "Back-off Brendan" Macey said. "Alright Alright" Brendan said. "What is that pokemon?" Emily said looking at Brendan's Aggron. "Oh, this guy? It's my Aggron" Brendan said. "Cool." Seth said. "Yeah" Brendan said walking over to the battle field to start battling. Everyone walked over and sat down in stands. "Alright you can go first Brendan" Gardenia said. "Heh Heh, this should be fun," Brendan said. "Aggron, go!" Brendan said as his Aggron stood in front of him. "Cherriub, Magical Leaf!" Gardenia said throwing a pokeball. Cherriub came out and attacked. It hit Aggron. "Aggron, Rock Smash!" Brendan ordered. Aggron attacked. They battled until one pokemon was left from each team, Shiftry and Roserade. "Shiftry, Leaf Blade!" Brendan said. Shiftry attacked Roserade. "Roserade, Grass Whistle." Gardenia said. Shiftry began to get drowzy. "Shiftry, Razor Leaf!" Brendan said. Shiftry stood there. "What are you waiting for! Razor Leaf now!" Brendan shouted. Shiftry woke up from its daze and attacked. Roserade was down. "I'm happy to present you with the Eterna City gym badge, Brendan." Gardenia said giving the badge to Brendan. Brendan walked over to Macey and the others. "Gonna take you a while to achive this level of greatness" Brendan said sitting down. Emily went up next. "Gardevoir, go!" Emily said throwing the pokeball. Gardevoir came out. "Turtwig, Razor leaf" Gardenia said throwing the pokeball. Turtwig came out and attacked with Razor Leaf. "Gardevoir, Secret Power!" Emily said. Since it was a grass field, Gardevoir used Razor Leaf against Turtwig. "Turtwig, use-" Gardenia began to say. "Gardevoir, Hyper Beam!" Emily said. Gardevoir attacked. Emily and Gardenia still battled. "So who is that?" Brendan asked looking at Emily. "Oh that's Emily, wait, why do you want to know?" Jared said. "I guess she's kinda cute" Brendan said shrugging. TO BE CONTINUED |
I...Uh..ok..
I just noticed something...xD 28 "said"s 2 "asked"s and 1 "ordered" |
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Well, you just used "said" a lot...
It's a little bit repetitive but...oh well... Maybe...JUST maybe...you can use stuff like "shouted", "cried", "roared" stuff like that |
kk thanks i'll watch for that
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Chapter 17
Sorry I haven't done this till now, lotta stuff going on, guy of my dreams could be in hospital cuz of my stupid friend(don't ask, he cracked his head open back-flipping into the pool) any way, here is chapter 17!
Jared still laughing tried to say, "Your kidding me, right?" Brendan looked at Jared, "Lets see you try to pick up a girl" Brendan shot back. Jared stopped. He rolled his eyes. "Whatever dude," Jared said leaning backwards. Jared fell over and smacked his head on the seat behind him. Brendan, Seth, and Macey started laughing. Emily ran over and helped Jared up. "You should be carefull Jared!" Emily shouted. Brendan covered his mouth trying not to laugh. "What's so funny?" Emily said looking at Brendan. Brendan stopped. "Sorry," he mumbled. Jared looked at Brendan. "Who's the hot-shot now?" Brendan whispered. Emily walked back to finish her battle. Emily finished and approched everyone with the badge. The badge sparkled in the light. Macey rolled her eyes. "What's your problem Macey?" Emily asked. Macey shrugged, "It's easy to earn a gym badge, and I mean easy" "Oh that's what you think?" Emily asked with her hands on he hips. "Sounds like a battle to me," Seth said looking at the two girls. "Alright, Double Battle. I choose the partners." Macey explained. "I choose Jared for me, and for you, Brendan" Macey said grinning. Emily's jaw droppped as she looked twoards Brendan. Brendan grinned. They all walked outside. Macey and Jared took out their pokeballs. "Umbreon, go!" Macey shouted as she threw the ball. "Mawile, lets go!" Jared screamed trowing the pokeball. Hmm, a Dark and a Steel type, maybe Swampert Brendan thought looking at the pokeball, yeah, Swampert "Swampert, stand by!" Brendan roared throwing the pokeball as Sampert came out. "Gardevoir, go!" Emily said throwing the pokeball. Brendan looked at Emily. "What are you doing!" Brendan shouted. "Gardevoir is a Psychic! And Umbreon is a Dark! Gardevoir is sure to go down before two attacks!" Brendan screamed at Emily. "I'll do what I want, just battle" Emily said looking twoards the pokemon. Brendan blinked and looked into blank space. "Um Brendan? Brendan!" Emily screamed. Brendan didn't respond. Swampert turned around and hit Brendan with a Water Gun attack. Brendan got drenched. Brendan shook his head. "Alright" Brendan said wiping his face with his hand. "Umbreon, Dark Pulse!" Macey ordered. "I was afraid of that," Brendan said softly. Brendan panicked, "Swampert, Hydro Pump!" Brendan screamed at the top of his lungs. Swampert stopped Umbreon before the Dark Pulse hit. Emily looked over at Brendan and smiled. "Alright, Gardevoir, Psychic!" Emily shouted. Gardevoir hit Mawile with Psychic attack. "Mawile looks weak, lets finish it with Surf!" Brendan comanded. Swampert soaked both Umbreon and Mawile with Surf. Mawile was out Umbreon stood there. It took a lot of damage. Emily looked at Umbreon and grinned, "Gardevoir, Hyper Beam!" Emily screamed. Gardevoir shot a hyper beam, but Umbreon jumped out of the way. "Swampert, counter attack with Water Gun!" Brendan said looking up at Umbreon. Umbreon was sent flying. It hit the ground. Emily looked at Brendan and smiled. Brendan smiled back. Seth rolled his eyes and walked up to Emily. "Great job," Seth said winking. Emily smiled, "Thanks" Brendan walked up to Swampert. "You did good Swampert, but I have one more job for you" Brendan began to say. He whispered something to Swampert. Swampert turned to Seth and Emily. Brendan ran away from Swampert. Swampert hit Emily with a water gun attack. Emily fell to the ground. Brendan ran over to Emily and got down on his knees. "I am so sorry. I didn't think Swampert would do anything like that. Come on, I know a place where you can dry your clothes." Brendan said helping Emily up. Brendan wrapped his arm around Emily and walked into Eterna City with Jared, Macey and Seth following behind. "Has Brendan always been like this?" Seth asked Macey. "No, I don't remember him ever acting anything like that," Macey said looking twoards Brendan and Emily up ahead. Well, he isn't getting in my way Seth thought narrowing his eyes twoards Brendan. They walked into a house with a young man sitting at a table writing down stuff and looking at Emily's Combusken. "Hey guys, this is my grandpa, Pro.Birch" Brendan said sitting on the counter. Pro.Birch coughed, "Hello, I hope my grandson has been respecting you all," Brendan rolled his eyes and smiled. Emily walked in wearing a pair of shorts and a white T-Shirt. "I'm guessing those are Brendan's clothes?" Seth mumbled to himself. Brendan looked at Seth. "I am not going through this again," Brendan cried. Brendan jumped off the counter and ran into a room and slammed the door behind him. "Should I go talk to him?" Macey said "No, I'll go." Emily said walking down the hall. She knocked on the door. "Brendan, open up, it's me" Brendan opened the door and fell back onto his bed. Emily sat next to him. Emily sighed, "What's wrong?" Brendan had his face burried in a pillow. "Please answer me, I dont want to see you like this"Emily said with her hand on Brendan's head. Brendan picked his head up. "That's better, now will you tell me what's wrong?" Emily said calmly looking at Brendan. "Alright, you really want to know?" Brendan said looking up at Emily with a depressed look on his face. "Yes, will you just tell me already?" Emily asked. Brendan took off his white hat and his headband and it revealed his black hair and a scar almost touching his eye. Emily looked shocked. "W-W-What happened?" Emily asked. "Well, I tried protecting a girl I liked, and got cut up by the other guy, and I don't want it to happen again." Brendan said with tears streaming down his face. Emily looked down at the floor. Emily found a picture on the floor and picked it up. "What's this?" Emily asked showing the picture to Brendan. "Oh, it's me,my mom, and my dad" Brendan sighed looking at the picture. "Who's that guy right there?" Emily whispered pointing to the picture. "I really don't feel like talking about it," Brendan whined. Emily looked at Brendan. Brendan smiled. "Alright." "His name is Drew. He thinks he's a 'ladies man'" Emily giggled. Brendan smiled. "I like your laugh" Brendan said smiling. Emily looked up at Brendan and kissed him on the cheek. Brendan blushed. "I thought you were Seth?" Emily shrugged. "It'll be our little secret" Emily whispered winking. She got up and walked back into the room. Pro.Birch stood up. "Is he okay? Please tell me he is okay," Pro.Birch pleaded. "He's fine," Emily replied. Brendan walked back in. Everyone gasped. "I'm not wearing my hat, am I?" Brendan murmered. Emily covered her mouth and laughed. "Brendan! What happened!" Pro.Birch screamed looking at Brendan's scar. "My parents never told you?" Brendan asked. Pro.Birch fingered near the scar. "Hmm, looks like it has been opened before and has been there for a while" Pro.Birch explained. Brendan pushed away. "It's no big deal" Brendan tried to comfort Pro.Birch. "Oh it is a big deal!" Pro.Birch roared. Brendan covered his scar with his hand. "Look! Can you stop messing around with it!" Brendan shouted. Pro.Birch looked at Brendan. "You have never yelled at me like that before" Pro.Birch whined. "Go to the basement, now! Work on that project I've been telling you to finish for 12 years!" Pro.Birch yelled pointing to the basement door. "But I don't want to be a stupid pokemon professional! I want to be a master! Can't you tell this isn't my life!" Brendan shouted. "Go, NOW!"Pro.Birch roared. Brendan backed up to the door opened it and ran down the stairs. "I'm sorry kids, he just doesn't listen sometimes" "Do you know what he has been going through?" Emily shot at Pro.Birch. "He has a harder life that anyone I know, do you ever listen to what he tries to tell you?" Emily ran over to the basement door and walked down the stairs. Brendan was sitting at a desk with papers and books surrounding him and an Espeon sitting on the windowsill. "What is he making you do?" Emily asked. "He's trying to make me find the mystery of the Sky Pillar or something" Brendan explained. "Sky Pillar, I've heard of that before but where?" Emily mumbled. "Look, it isn't your fault, I'm just gonna leave right now." Brendan said trying to open the window. Emily grabbed Brendan's shirt. "Brendan, please don't" Emily said trying to make Brendan stop. "Please don't" Brendan looked out into the pouring rain. A bolt of lightning hit right in front of the window where Brendan was. Brendan flew backwards into Emily and they flew into a pile of boxes. Brendan pushed a box off his head. "Are you okay?" Brendan asked. "Yeah, I'm fine." Emily said. She looked up at Brendan. "Okay, time for the cold hard truth." Brendan sighed. "What truth?" Emily asked leaning against Brenan. "I'm in love with you, Emily. But I don't want Seth to think I'm taking you away from him and there is no way we can be together. I mean unless you-" Brendan began to say, but Emily covered Brendan's mouth with her finger. Emily kissed Brendan on the lips. The door opened Seth peered down and saw Emily and Brendan kissing. Seth slammed the door behind him. They stopped. "Oh no, Seth!" Emily cried. She ran up the stairs and opened the door. She looked around the room. "Where did Seth go?" Emily cried. Jared pointed to the door. Emily ran out into the rain. "Seth! Seth!" Emily screamed. No sign of him. "Seth," Emily fell to her knees with tears streaming down her face. Brendan came running outside. He stood behind Emily looking out into the distance. "I'm sorry, t's all my fault" Brendan said. "No it isn't," Emily cried. Brendan got down next to Emily. "Jared and I will go look for him in the morning, better get inside, it's getting pretty bad out here." Brendan explained. "Can you carry me?" Emily asked. Brendan picked up Emily and carried her back inside and put her on the couch. Brendan handed her a blanket. Brendan jumped onto the counter. Pro.Birch walked up from the basement with Espeon following behind. Espeon jumped onto the counter next to Seth. Pro.Birch was carrying a box filled with pictures. "Don't tell me those are the pictures?" Brendan whined. "Yep your baby pictures," Por.Birch said smiling. Pro.Birch took out an old photo album and opened it. "Aw, these are the pictures from mine and your grandmother's wedding" Pro.Birch said as everyone gathered around. "Aww, Brendan you look so cute in you little tuxedo" Emily said. Brendan blushed. "And look, there are May and Ash" Pro.Birch said pointing to the pciture. "Who?" Emily asked. "They are Seth's parents, and Seth was there too, but he was very young" Pro.Birch explained. "But why are they at your wedding?" Macey asked. "Oh, I helped Seth's mother before she set on her journey but I wasn't married then." Pro.Birch said. Emily spotted a picture. It was of Brendan and a girl. "Macey, isn't that you?" Emily asked. "Yeah, Brendan and I were neighbors back then" Macey said shrugging. They looked through all the pictures and it was almost midnight. "Alright all, time to get some shut-eye" Pro.Birch said getting up. "You can sleep in my room, Emily" Brendan said. Emily nodded and walked in and shut the door and went to bed. Brendan slept on the couch in the living room while Macey and Jared slept in the guest room. Espeon lied on Brendan. Brendan lied there looking up at the ceiling. "This is all my fault that Seth left, why isn't Emily furious at me?" Brendan said to himself. He heard a door open. Someone walked into the kitchen and turned on the light. "Looks like someone is feeling guilty about what happened today." Emily said sipping a glass of water. Brendan just sat there. Emily smiled and walked back into the room. Brendan rolled over on the couch. Espeon jumped off onto the floor. "Sorry Espeon," Brendan said. Brendan threw the banket off of him and walked into the basement. Brendan worked on that project Pro.Birch had him doing. But nothing worked. Brendan fell asleep at the desk. Morning came. Everyone was sat down at the table still in their pajamas. Except Pro.Birch, he was still sleeping. Brendan walked up the stairs rubbing his eyes. "Goodmorning sleepyhead" Jared said. "Shut up Jared" Brendan said. Brendan sat down and put his head on the table. "Why don't you go back to sleep?" Emily said with her hand on Brendan's head. Brendan mumbled something. Emily shrugged. "Well, we better go look for Seth," Jared said getting up. Jared grabbed Brendan's hair and pulled his head up. They both walked into Brendan's room. Jared got dressed. Brendan pulled on a red and black shirt and yellow gloves, black pants with yellow at the bottom, and red and black trainers, and put on a black headband with a red pokeball on it and put on his white hat. Jared and Brendan walked outside into the wet Eterna City. Brendan pulled out a pokeball, and threw it. "Skarmory, go!" Skarmory came out. "Skarmory, scope the area for Seth Ketchum. Skarmory flew off in a huff into the gray sky. Brendan and Jared went seperate ways. Brendan scoped out uptown, Jared scoped downtown. They walked around for a few hours. Then Brendan heard a scream. "What did he do now," Brendan wondered. He looked Jared's way and saw him running with a Mightyena biting at him. Brendan smacked his hand on his face. He took out a pokeball and threw it,"Absol go! Fight off that Mightyena!" Absol came out and ran twoards the Mightyena. Jared tripped and flipped foward. Brendan helped Jared up and took Absol back and ran back to the house. Skarmory was sitting in the backyard. Brendan and Jared ran inside. "No sign of Seth" Brendan said. Emily began to cry. "Please, don't cry." Brendan walked over to Emily and wrapped his arms around her. "Please, don't" Brendan began to cry. Pro.Birch walked in and saw Emily crying in Brendan's arms. Pro.Birch showed a little smile and walked back into his room. Jared looked at Brendan and Emily, then to Macey. Jared bit his lip. "I think we should leave them alone," Macey said pushing Jared out of the room. "Remember when Swampert hit you with Water Gun? It was my fault. I told Swampert to do that just to get closer to you. Like I said before I'm in love with you Emily." Brendan said. Emily looked down at the floor. She looked back up at Brendan and smiled. She kissed Brendan on the lips. "Why must you tourture me?" Brendan said laughing. Emily laughed. "There it is again." Brendan said smiling and kissed Emily. Emily got up and went to go get dressed, she wore a red shirt with a white shirt underneath, black shorts, a red bandana, and red and white trainers. Everyone walked out and waved goodbye you Pro.Birch. They entered Jubalife City. The city was filled with clowns and young children. They walked through and a man in a suit walked up to them. "Why hello, you look like a bunch of your children," the man said. "Um yeah,that's Jared, Macey, Brendan, and I'm Emily" Emily introduced to the man. "Well, I am from the poketch company, do any of you compete in contests?" the man asked. "Um no,none of us do" Brendan said. "Well, our friend, Seth, does but he dissapeared last night" "Wait, Seth, Seth Ketchum?" the man asked "Yeah. You know him?" Jared asked. "Know him, I almost arrested the boy!" the man shouted. "Arrested him? Why would you arrest Seth?" Emily asked furiously. "He tried to steal my pokemon and my poketches!" the man screamed. "Why would he do that?" Emily cried. "I think I know." Brendan said. "Um excuse me, where did you last see him?" "In the Global rading System building!" The man shouted pointing to a blue building. They all ran twoards the building. They saw Seth sitting in a chair balancing a pokeball on his finger. "Seth!" Emily said running up to hug him. Seth stopped her. "I saw you and Brendan, don't act like you don't know. I saw you two making out in the basement and in the living room" Seth whined. "Look it wasn't what you thought it was," Brendan tried to explain. "Fine, if you don't like Emily, kiss Macey" Seth shot and Brendan grinning. Brendan looked at Seth. "You crazy?!" Brendan shouted. "I like Emily! So you kiss Macey!" Brendan shot back. "No way,"Seth said. "Then will you please come back with us?" Emily asked. "Then kiss me the way you kissed Brendan." Seth said. "You want a kiss? Fine" Emily said. She gave Seth a long kiss on the lips. She pulled away. "Happy?" Emily pushed Seth in the chest and walked back up next to Brendan and crossed her arms. Seth smiled. "Okay, I'll come back" Emily ran up to Seth and hugged him. "I'm so happy your comming back with us" Emily said smiling. Macey looked at Jared. "So, Jared, who do you like?" Macey asked. Jared shrugged. "Don't know" Macey sighed. Brendan looked around the building. "Wow," "What is this building for?" "Why trading around the world, of course" some girl said. Brendan looked down and saw a little girl with pink pigtails. "Hi! I'm Maria" the girl said. "Your cute. Do you have a girlfriend? Is any of these girls your girlfriend? Tell me Tell me Tell me!" Maria shouted. "Don't you ask a lot of questions. Well I'm Brendan. And none of these girls are my girlfriend. Well I though one of them was but, guess not" Brendan said looking at Emily. "Okay. So what is your name?" Maria asked Seth. "I'm Seth and don't ask the girlfriend question I can answer that one. She is my girlfriend." Seth said with his arm around Emily. Emily smiled. Brendan looked at Emily and smiled. Brendan shook his head. "I'm gonna miss that smile" Emily looked at Brendan. She walked over to Brendan. "Aww, what's wrong?" Emily said. "Nothing," Brendan said. Emily turned to Brendan and kissed him. Seth crossed his arms and rolled his eyes. "It doesn't look like she's your girlfriend" Maria said. "Well, now she's not" Seth said shaing his head. Brendan hugged Emily. "I'm sick of you two!" Seth shouted running outside. Emily ran after Seth. "Seth, what is your problem?" Emily asked. "It's you. Since you first looked at Brendan you fell in love with him." Seth cried. "It's not just me, It's Brendan. I mean, he's a great guy but you don't know what he is going through. It was gonna be a secret until last night. I still like you Seth, and I like you more than Brendan, trust me. Brendan could never replace you." Emily said. Seth smiled. Emily hugged Seth. She kissed Seth. Everyone else walked outside. Brendan looked at Emily and Seth and smiled and looked at the ground. Jared came running over. He leaned over the edge of the bridge next to Macey. Macey looked at Jared. Jared kissed Macey. Macey blushed and smiled. Jared fell over the edge into the rushing river below. "Oh no! Jared!" Macey screamed. Emily and Macey ran along the edge of the river. The boys followed behind. "Swampert go!" Brendan said. "You too, Absol!" Seth shouted. Absol and Swampert came out. "Both of you, run and try to find Jared!" Brendan shouted. Swampert and Absol ran off. They kept running. They stopped and saw Jared's backpack hooked onto a branch. "Oh no," Macey said with tears in her eyes. "Don't worry we'll find him" Emily said. Brendan and Seth stopped. Brendan looked up the river. He ran foward. "Brendan!" Seth screamed. Seth ran after Brendan. He saw Jared holding onto a rock. Brendan jumped onto a rock and reached out to grab Jared. "Come on Jared!" Brendan shouted. Jared wasn't able to reach. Brendan stepped foot in the water and grabbed Jared's hand and pulled him up. Seth helped him onto land. Brendan almost got sucked into the river. But jumped to land just in time. The girls ran over. Macey wrapped her arms around Jared. "I'm so glad your okay!" Macey shouted. Jared was soaked. "Hey look, I think it's a lake or a pond" Emily said pointing into the distance. "It is!" Seth shouted. They all ran up to the pond and got in. Brendan sank in the water. "I need to unwind for a while" Brendan said softly. Emily sat next to Seth. Emily looked up at Seth. Seth was looking into the water. "What's wrong?" Emily asked. "Nothing, I think something is in here." Seth said. "What do you mean?" Jared asked. "What I mean is-" Seth began to say when a Mudkip popped its head out of the water. "Aww how cute! A Mudkip" Emily said. "Yeah I had one, that's how I got my Swampert" Brendan said looking at the Mudkip. "Well I never had one" Emily said picking up the Mudkip. Mudkip cried happily. Emily smiled. She took out a pokeball and held it up to Mudkip and caught it. Someone walked up behind Brendan. Brendan looked up and saw a boy with green hair and a Roselia standing by him. "So, looks like your with a new group of people" the boy said. "Oh, everyone, this is Drew" Brendan said annoyed. "Hi Drew, I like your Roselia" Emily said looking at Drew. "Thanks, but Roselia doesn't like to be judged" Drew said. Emily rolled her eyes. "Why are you here Drew?" Brendan asked. "I came to talk to you Brendan" Drew said. Brendan got up and got out and grabbed a towel. "What is it?" Brendan asked in a hushed tone. "Who is that girl" Drew asked looking twoards Emily. "Her? Oh that's Emily." Brendan answered. "Wait, why?" "Just curious." Drew said. "Well something you don't know about her is that she is a good kisser" Brendan said. Drew looked at Emily and looked away. Brendan went and got back in the water. Drew sat down by Emily on the grass. "So, do you like flowers?" Drew asked. "Um I guess, why?" Emily answered. Drew took out a rose and handed it to Emily. Emily took the rose "Well, um, thank you Drew" Emily said smelling the rose. "How about me and you have a little battle? Loser has to kiss winner" Drew said grinning. "No way! I'm not going through the whole kissing thing again." Emily said. She took another look at the rose. "Fine" Emily got up and got dressed. "One pokemon, each" Drew said. "Fine by me" Emily said taking out a pokeball. "Roselia go!" Drew said. "Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Combusken shot at Roselia with flamethrower. "Roselia, Petal Dance" Drew said. Roselia attacked. "Combusken, Ember!" Emily shouted. Roselia was down. "Alright you won, now where's that kiss you promised me?" Drew asked. "You seriously thought you were gonna get that kiss? Your crazy" Emily replied. Drew flipped his hair. "No idea what your missing," Drew said walking way. "I'm serious if that boy comes on me again I'll back slap him." Emily said leaning into Seth. Seth watched Drew walk away. "There's something about that guy that I hate" Seth said. "Dude! You have a problem with everyone!" Brendan said laughing. They all changed and walked back into Jubalife City to see if there was a pokemon contest for Seth to enter. |
That's....one...looooooong chapter...
Well... Tell your friend that one of your friends on Pokecommunity thinks that he's an idiot but I wish him well :D Well... I found a few spelling mistakes an' all... Some...un-realistic things... But the worst one of all... Quote:
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Lol...moronic friend...xD
Well, I can't write much....got a blister in DT (owww) How are you goin with the next chapter? Got any plans for more morons to hit on Emily? BTW, it's Jubilife. Also, just check it in Serebii or something... |
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Alright I'll change Jubalife to Jubilife today. And I'll probably finish the next chapter today and just you wait, I have a few more tricks up my sleve ;) |
Chapter 18
They all walked into Jubilife to look for a contest hall among the many huge buildings.
"Seth, we ae never gonna find a contest hall here!" Brendan shouted. "Shut up Brendan, we'll find one!" Seth screamed. Seth stopped and looked into the distance and ran ahead. "Seth!" Emily yelled. Emily and Brendan ran behind. Seth stopped infront of two glass doors. "What do ya know, a contest hall" Brendan said under his breath. "Yeah, there it is" Seth ,mumbled. Seth pulled on the door, but it didn't open. Macey and Jared walked up next to them. "It isn't opening," "Well duh! It's locked!" Brendan shouted. "Guess we'll have to check back later" Seth said. "Yes! Now can we go to the next town?" Brendan asked. "Fine" Seth replied. They all walked into a forest leading to Canalave City. They pushed through trees and bushes. They stopped under a tree. Emily looked up and saw a Treecko sitting on the branch. "Cool a Treecko," Emily said. Emly took out a pokeball and threw it. Combusken came out. "Combusken, Ember!" Emily shouted. Combusken hit the wild Treecko. The wild Treecko used Razor Leaf. Combusken dodged it. "Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Combusken hit the Treecko. Emily threw a pokeball at the Treecko and cought it. Emily put the pokeball away. "I could use that Treecko in my next battle" They kept walking and entered Canalave City. Jared looked around and saw only one big building. "Doesn't seem much like a city to me" Jared said. A little boy walked up to them and looked up at them. "Can we help you?" Seth asked. "Mama! Mama! They're here! Mama!" The little boy shouted. A woman walked up to them. "Please, I need your help come with me" the woman said. They all looked at eachother and followed the woman to a tiny dock with a boat and a man standing in front of it. "My husband and I need you to go to Iron Island, and obtain a pokemon egg" "Why do you need us?" Seth asked. "Why can't you or your husband go? Or your son?" "Me an my husband and my son don't have pokemon of our own so we can't defend ourselves," the woman said. "Must be why they live here" Brendan said. Emily stepped on Brendan's foot. "Don't be mean!" Emily said softly. Brendan crossed his arms. "Alright, we'll do it" Seth replied. "Oh thank you so much" the woman said. They all walked onto the boat and the man followed behind them. The boat started and they left Canalave City Dock. Emily stood on the far end holding the rose Drew gave her. Seth walked up next to her. "Your still thinking about that Drew guy?" he asked. "I don't know Seth," Emily said looking down at the rose. "Well, he's gone so forget about him" Seth said. Emily hugged Seth. Emily looked out into the distnace. Her grip on the rose got lose and the rose flew off into the sky. Emily smiled and leaned onto Seth. They arrived at Iron Islandn and the man left with the boat. "How are we supposed to get back?" Macey asked. "My Swampert can take us" Brendan said. They walked around on the rocky surface and found a cave opening. Seth peered in the cave. "It's pitch black" Seth replied. Emily took out a pokeball and Combusken came out. She picked up a stick. "Combusken, think you can light this stick?" Emily asked. Combusken lit the stick and went back in its pokeball. Seth took the lit stick and walked in the cave. Everyone else followed behind. They entered a part of the cave with nothing in it. A girl stood at the enterance with a Lucario by her side. "Hello?" Seth said. The girl turned around. "Hey, I'm Riley. What are you all doing here?" she asked. "We came to retrive an egg for someone in Canalave City" Seth replied. "You mean this egg?" Riley said holding an egg case. "If you want it, you'll have to fight me for it" "Alright, I'll battle you" Seth said. "Hold it, I only do double battles" Riley said. A boy walked up next to Riley, it was Drew. "I got my partner, you choose yours" "Alright, Emily and I will battle" Seth said. "You have the honor of choosing first" Riley said. "Piplup go!" Seth shouted throwing the pokeball. "Combusken go!" Emily screamed throwing the pokeball. "Lucario go!" Riley shouted. Lucario jumped infront of her. "Roselia, go!" Drew shouted throwing a pokeball. Roselia came out. "Piplup, Bubble Beam!" Seth shouted. Piplup hit Lucario with Bubble Beam. Lucario countered with Aura Sphere. It hit Piplup. "Roselia, Petal Dance!" Drew ordered. Petal dance hit both Piplup and Combusken. "Combusken, Flamethrower!" Emily ordered. Roselia was hit with Flamethrower. "Lucario, Force Palm!" Riley shouted. Lucario hit Piplup. Piplup was down. Piplup returned. "Absol go! Shadow Ball!" Seth shouted throwing the pokeball. Absol hit with Shadow Ball. Lucario fainted. "Roselia, Magical Leaf on Combusken!" Drew ordered. Combusken was hit with Magical Leaf. "Combusken, Fire Spin!" Emily ordered. Combusken hit Roselia with a powerful Fire Spin. Roselia was down. Emily and Seth won. Drew walked up to Emily and Seth. "Good battle, but I would've been better if I wasn't distracted." Drew said. Emily crossed her arms and turned away. Drew took out a rose and dropped it in front of Emily and walked away. "That guy has problems" Seth said picking up the rose. Riley walked up to Seth and handed him the egg case. "That was a great battle you two" Riley said as Seth took the egg. They all walked out. "Swampert go!" Brendan shouted throwing the pokeball. Swampert came out and got in the water. Seth jumped on Swampert, the Jared, then Macey. Brendan helped Emily on the Brendan got on. Swampert swam back to Canalave. Chapter 19 to come soon! |
Chapter 19
They sat in the ocean heading to Canalave. Swampert entered Canalave dock and they all jumped off. They walked into the house by the dock. The woman stood up from the table.
"Oh thank you so much!" she said taking the egg from Seth. "As a token of our gratitude, we will let you use this boat anytime you want" "Thanks" Seth said. They all walked out and across the bridge. And exited Canalave City. They walked along a grassy path, the grassy path soon became adorned with colourful flowers. They soon entered Floraroma Town. The town glistened with flowers of many kinds. "This must be where Drew gets all his roses" Brendan assumed. "Maybe" Jared replied looking around. Emily walked foward some more and looked to the right. She saw a building and saw skinny white windmills. "Hey guys look at this." Emily said walking twoards the building. A sign sat in front of some grass. It said "Valley Windworks" A man walked up to them. "Hello, you look like a bunch of young children" he said "Duh, were 12" Brendan said. The man coughed. "Anyway, can you take this pokeball to my brother at Fuego Ironworks? It's just up the river" Seth took the pokeball. "Sure but what's in-" "Oh thank you!" the man shouted and ran back into the building. They walked along the edge of the river and aproached a steel building. They walked inside. "Hello? Hello?" Seth called out. "No one is here" Sudenlly, two people with blue hair wearing ugly clothes jumped out infront of them. "We'll take that pokeball AND your pokemon!" one of them shouted. "Who the hell are you!" Seth shouted. "We are Team Galactic Grunts!" they both shouted. "We won't let you by without all of your strongest pokemon and that pokeball your holding!" Seth took out a pokeball and threw it. "Absol go! Tackle!" Seth shouted. Absol came out and jumped on the Galactic Grunts. They all ran past and Absol ran behind them. "Weavile, go!" both Grunts shouted. Two Weavile came out and chased them and tried to attack them. Absol tried hitting them with attacks. Brendan took out a pokeball and threw it. "Aggron go help Absol!" Brendan shouted. Aggron came out and helped Absol to stop the Weavile. The Grunts followed right behind them. Brendan looked over his shoulder. His eyes widened. "Uh, guys, I think we should go!" Brendan shouted. They all ran faster. The entered a room. Aggron and Absol got in quickly. Brendan and Seth slammed the door and baracaded it and leaned up against it. "Phew" they both said under their breath. Emily turned around and saw two men quivering in a corner. "Please, don't hurt us!" one of them shouted. "Why would we hurt you?" Emily asked. "Aren't you Galactic Grunts?" the other said. "No, I'm Emily, that's Seth, Jared, Macey, and Brendan" Emily said. "What are you two doing in here? Why aren't you defending your factory?" Brendan asked. "They took my Luxuray" one said. "Yeah. And the other took my Typhlosion" the other said. "They tried to take our pokemon too" Seth said as his Absol walked up next to him. "Oh, are any of you related to the man at Valley Windworks?" "That's me. Mr. Jacob Jonson" the man said walking up to Seth. "Yeah, he told me to give you this pokeball." Seth said handing the man the pokeball. The man swipped the pokeball from Seth's hands. "It's here! My Flaffy!" Mr. Jonson said. "Here, a passage way to outside" he leaded them to a door. "But, the Grunts-" Seth said. "I think they are gone" Mr.Jonson said. "Now go!" They ran out the door. "I should've stayed behind and fought those Grunts off" "Seth, you have a big heart, but somethings you can't stop" Emily said wrapping her arms around Seth. "Yeah. Can we end this love fest and get outta here!" Brendan shouted. The ran up the edge of the river and out of Floraroma Town. "Here, I picked this up on our way out of Floraroma Town" Seth said handing Emily a flower. Emily took the flower and kissed Seth on the cheek. They walked up the path. They stopped at a sign. "Hearthome City this way" Jared said. They looked down the path and saw a city. They all ran down the path to Hearthome City. Chapter 20 to come soon! |
I don't mean to be rude, but did you listen to any of the critisisms that BreakingBen gave you? Or from anybody for that matter? Dude, there are a lot of things wrong with this.
1) Length. You just pop these chapters out with no proofreading or anything. It looks like you spent two minutes on the whole thing. ou shoultry an aim for the 5-10 page in Microsoft Word range. 2) Grammar. There are so many grammar mistakes in every chapter. I'll just point out your main problem. This sentence: "I think they are gone" Mr.Jonson said. "Now go!" They ran out the door. Should be sort of like this: "I think they are gone," Mr. Jonson guessed and he let out a sigh of relief, "Now go!" They ran out of the door. 3) Blandness. The last sentence there, "They ran out of the door" or "Seth took out a pokeball and threw it.", should be way more decriptive. Throw some adjectives in there. Make the sentence flow. 4) Mary-Sue and Gary-Stuness. Emily and Seth are just about some of the biggest Mary-Sues and Gary-Stues respectively. I mean come on? Already Emily has a Swampert? Seth with an Absol? And they defeat everyone they see. It's ridiculous. At least try to act like they're first time trainers. 5) Pacing. They're flying through their journey like nobody's business. Slow down. 6) Posting Pacing. Give the reader some time to read. You posted like 3 chapters today. Jeez. Give the fic at least a day to mull over before you just add another rushed, sloppy chapter. 7) Did you evn think about the name? They the group is clearly in Sinnoh not Hoenn. 8) Generic. Trainer journey fic that's not well written. This forum is crawling with them. You should come up wth an original idea, or at least make your journey fic interesting. I can name about 5 fics that are doing the same thing as you but 10 times better. Overall, this fic is not very good. But it is your first right? I made the same mistakes my first time. I expect this kind of thing from newbies. Hopefully in time youll learn to take constructive critisism and grow as a writer. |
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Thanks for being honest. And I tried to change the name, but it wouldn't let me. If you read my first chapter, it says It is now Sinnoh. And Eily doesn't have the Swampert, try to read more carefully. And If you don't like my fic, don't read it. I'm gonna finish this up soon and start a new one. And I have a lot of free time on my hands, so I post a lot of chapters everyday so I don't have to worry about them later on. Cause I'm going to New York soon so I want to get it out of the way. And if you read Dark Lakitu's (sorry if I spelled it wrong) comment after Chapter 17, you'll know what I am going through because my friend could be in the hospital now! And like I said before, if you don't like my fic, don't read it. And think about this the next time you read someone else's fic you don't like. |
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I've read some of this, and I just couldn't continue. Your negativity towards some reviewers got on my nerves. Well, two I noticed were a bit mean. I got similar reviews with my first fic (oh God those days were noobish ones indeed @[email protected])
My point being that some of these people were just trying to help you. You can't shun people for giving you tips. You can get mad, but reviews get harsh. Deal. If you don't want any criticism and just good feedback, say so. You'll notice the decline or end of replies, however. Nobody's perfect, and nobody writes perfect. People don't wanna waste their time on a piece of writing that won't interest them, though. You wouldn't have put this here for us to read if you didn't want us to. We have. Some of us are willing to give it a shot if you make it better. If you want us to keep reading, make it better. It's that simple. Some of this does need fixing. I'll give some general examples of problems in the chapters. I'll use the previous reviewer's layout, because it's neat. 1) No description. A biggie. People don't want to read boring old "Sally went to the store to buy milk and eggs," when they can read, "Sally rode her red bike to the store and picked up a jug of fresh white milk and eggs." See the difference? You don't tell us what anything looks like. Quote:
Combusken inhaled, and then let loose a steady stream of orange fire from its mouth that burned the opponent mercilessly. The spectacle soon ended, leaving the normally green Treecko black and red in many areas, and completely unable to retaliate. "Here's my chance," Emily shouted, tossing a red and white orb with a button in the center at the untamed lizard. Smacking into its forehead, activating when the button pressed against Treecko, the object enlarged opened to reveal a cavity within. A bright red light erupted from the pokeball, enveloping and combining with Treecko, turning it into a condensed sphere of energy that returned to the inside of the ball as it shut. A few seconds passed as the ball shook violently, then less violently as Treecko gave in. Finally stopping after a slight shiver, the ball uttered a loud chime. Emily had caught herself a Treecko. And a crispy one, at that. (XD I added that) Quote:
Finally noticing this path, the rest of the group joined Jared and they all started running down the path to Hearthome City. -------------------------------------------------------------------- I'll add more later because I have to go now. I hope you'll learn from us trying to show you how to improve your writing, AND response to reviews. You're right, if we don't like it we don't have to read it. There are some people who stick around and go the extra mile to point out your faults so they will like it, as BigfootTheUnbeatable tried to do. Edit: Yeah, your friend has nothing to do with this story. Don't use that as a fallback. If you feel bad and it affects your writing, it would be kind of you to spare us as many typos as possible, take a break, and write again later with a clear head. Note: I am not trying to be mean. I'm just displeased with the replies some of these good reviews got. Don't hate me for this. |
Feel the wrath of the awesome reviewers!!!
Yeah, go guys! Well, Pokefan, listen to them....it's really good stuff they're telling you... I think people are going away...xD |
alright alright, i'll listen to what's his name that big foot person, and I will wait a few days before i post chapter 20 and I'm not flying through their journey, Emily only has 2 badges, that isn't flying through it. But I'll try to listen to the reviews next time
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Pfft. What's his name? I hope you're not talking about me...
Anyway, just to let you know, badges aren't the only factor in speeding up a story. If you make people easily beat other Pokemon in a few paragraphs of text, it seems quick. Not accusing you, just giving you a hint. Battling with ease and quickness and moving in one or two sentences from one event to the next seems rushed, and is. Watch out for that or your fic'll turn sour. Most people want to be dragged into the story and gradually find out what happens next. Try to satisfy our appetites with description and paced events. I believe in you. You can do it! :D |
hey thanks a lot! I belive in me too! LOL
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My pleasure to help out. I'm glad to see you're willing to accept my review, and I'll be sticking around wishing your fic many more improved chapters to come!
See? We reviewers aren't mean, and most of us write ourselves, so we can relate to writing hardships. However, some reviews sound harsh because the reviewer doesn't want your fic to be bad and is trying to help. Not to say some people aren't just plain rude, using constructive criticism as a crutch for 99 percent criticism and 1 percent less intense criticism with some corrections. XD I hate when reviewers do that. |
The "Whats his name" person was bigfoottheunbeatable I think...
Wonderful!! You're accepting reviews! |
yeah i'm gonna try and post the next chapter sometime this weeked went to visit my friend, you know, the one who cracked his head open? and i'm gonna try and make this story better :)
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Chapter 20
I waited a few days and cleared my head, so here it is, chapter 20!
They all ran down the rocky path to Hearthome City. Seth suddenly stopped at the end and everyone behind him almost fell over. Seth gazed upon Hearthome City. "Wow," Seth said gazing at the buildings of beautiful Hearthome City. "What are we waiting for!" Jared shouted. "Let's go!" Jared and the others ran into Hearthome City. "Hey look! There's thecontest hall!" Brendan pointed out looking at the large colourful dome. They all aproached the pokemon center as the doors slid open and they walked in. No one was there, except them, Nurse Joy, and a Blissey. "Oh, Hello" Nurse Joy said looking at the group. "I'm surprised to see a group of trainers here" "Why? Don't trainers always come here?" Emily asked. "No, after they do what they needed to do, they press on to the next town" Nurse Joy explained. "So that must be the reason why this place is dead," Brendan said observing the Blissey. "Not in those terms exactly, but yes" Nurse Joy said a little annoyed at Brendan's comment. "Can I get anything for you?" "Some food would be great," Macey said. "Alright, Blissey and I will prepare some food for you and your pokemon." Nurse Joy said as she walked into another room. Everyone let their pokemon come out. Brendan's Absol sat at Brendan's feet, while Seth's Absol was running around the pokemon center with Macey's Umbreon and Espeon, and Emily's Combusken, Mudkip, and Treecko. Jared's Mawile stayed in its pokeball, same with Regice. A few moments later, Nurse Joy and Blissey walked in with trays of food for them and their pokemon. Blissey was so excited that she almost dropped the trays of food on Brendan and his Absol. But the trays were set down on the table and everyone began eating. They all finished and helped clean and wash the dishes. "Brendan, aren't you gonna help?" Seth asked drying a dish. Brendan stuck his hand out. "No way, I get enough of chores at home, that's why I left" Brendan said. Everyone walked out waving good-bye to Nurse Joy and Blissey. They pressed on to go deeper in Hearthome City. Brendan looked around. "Don't tell me, there isn't a gym here either?" Brendan moaned. "Nope, just the contest hall" Seth said. "You should try competing in contests too, Brendan." "Sure, why not." Brendan said shrugging. They approached the contest hall and entered through the glass doors. Seth and the rest walked up to the counter. "Can I register for this contest still?" Seth asked. "You are just in time! You can still register for this contest" the lady at the counter said registering Seth for the contest. "And me too?" Brendan asked. "Of course," the lady said registering Brendan into the computer. "And here are your seals" handing Seth and Brendan two stickers. "What the hecks a seal?" Brendan asked looking at his. "My mom told me about these, you put them on your pokeball, and when you throw it, your pokemon make a dazzling appearence." Seth explained. They all walked by where the practice area is. Seth took out a pokeball and placed the seal on it and threw it. Tiny bits of blue confetti filled the air as Glaceon appeared. "See, simple as that" Seth said catching the pokeball. "Oh I get it" Brendan said placing the seal on a pokeball. Brendan threw the pokeball. Shimmering bubbles spiraled into the air, then poped revealing Swampert. "That is the coolest thing I have ever done with a pokeball" Brendan said catching the ball. "Lets see, how can I show Glaceon's true beauty" Seth said pacing back and forth in front of Glaceon. "I know, Glaceon, Blizzard!" Glaceon let off a Blizzard that shimmered in the sunlight. "Now, Ice Beam!" Glaceon shot its Ice Beam into the Blizzard, as the Ice Beam faded, shimmering bits of ice appeared in the sky. "Thanks, Seth, now I have an idea for Swampert!" Brendan said clutching his fist. "Alright Swampert, Bubble Beam into the sky!" Swampert shot bubbles into the sky that shimmered beneath the sun. "Now, Whrilpool!" the Whirlpool engulfed the bubbles and broke apart into glittering droplets of water. "I think were ready" Brendan and Seth said together. Glaceon and Swampert cried happily. The contest arrived and the stands were packed. "Okay! The winner of the contest gets this!" the MC said holding up a ribbon "The Hearthome City Contest Ribbon!" First up is Brendan!" Brendan came running out. He threw the pokeball. Bubbles spiraled into the air then popped to reveal Swampert under the shimmering glow of the popped bubbles. "Alright Swampert, Bubble Beam!" Brendan shouted confidently. Swampert shot bubbles skyward into the light. "Now use Whirlpool!" Swampert's Whirlpool engulfed the bubbles. As the Whirlpool broke apart, water droplets shimmered under the light. "What a dazzling performance!" the MC said with a smile on her face. Brendan awaited the results from the judges. "A beautiful way to show off Swampert's bubble beam and whirlpool attacks" Nurse Joy said. "A dazzling performance" the other said. "And don't forget, Remarkable!" the last said. Brendan walked behind where everyone else was. "That was great Brendan" Seth said. "But Glaceon and I are gonna do better!" "We'll see about that" Brendan said grinning. The other coordinators went, then it was Seth's turn. Seth ran out and threw the pokeball. Blue confetti filled the air and Glaceon appeared. "Okay Glaceon, Blizzard!" Glaceon's Blizzard filled the arena with a chilling breeze. "Great Glaceon, now Ice Beam!" Glaceon shot the Ice Beam into the Blizzard, as the Ice Beam expanded then finally broke apart, glittering bits of ice filled the air. Glaceon shimmered in the light. "Wow! What a sparkling performance by Seth and Glaceon!" the MC said. "Beautiful!" Nurse Joy said. "A great way to show the bond between pokemon and trainer!" the other said. "Remarkable!" the last said. Seth walked behind where the others were. "Looks like were going onto the next round" Seth said looking down at Glaceon. They awaitted the results. Both Brendan and Seth made it to the second round. "Yes!" both boys shouted. Emily took another look at the screen and saw Drew's picture. "Looks like Drew is here," Emily pointed out. Everyone turned to the screen. Seth got a firey look in his eye. Now's my chance to beat this guy once and for all. Seth thought. The battle pairs were made. Seth was facing Drew, and Brendan was facing some guy named Devin. Seth and Drew were up first. Seth threw the pokeball and Gallade came out. Drew threw and rose and then a pokeball and Roselia came out. "Gallade, Drain Punch!" Seth shouted. Gallade ran twoards Roselia with one of its arms above his head. Gallade went to hit Roselia, but Roselia jumped out of the way. "Roselia, Petal Dance!" Drew ordered. Gallade turned around to see Roselia and flower petals spiraling twoards it. Gallade crossed its arms. The spiral of petals cut against Gallade's arms. "Gallade, Psycho Cut!" Seth yelled. Gallade's arms glowed a bright purple. Gallade jumped up and cut Roselia with it's blade like arms. Roselia fell to the ground. Roselia got up. "Roselia, Magical Leaf!" Drew shouted. From the flowers on Roselia's hands, glowing leaves shot at Gallade. Seth paniced. "Gallade, Shadow Ball!" Gallade made a large shadow ball. It colided with Roselia's Magical Leaf and exploded. Smoke filled the arena. The time on the clock hit zero. Both trainers standing there, awaiting to see who would be victorious. Chapter 21 to come by Tuesday! |
Well, I saw a lot of saids there, too...
Lol...the "Remarkable!" guy again... Quote:
That last part was so short it hurt. You could have described it like "Roselia fell to the ground from the blow. IT slowly got up, flinching with the pain of the cuts." Well, spelling mistakes are still in there...:P |
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"That performnce wasn't remarkable!" so annoying! And don't worry, i'll do better with Chapter 21! And that clear your head thing really helped. I drew a little durring the week thinking about the story and BAM! Chapter 20 was born! lol. I hope I can do better in the next chapter. And I have my friend reviewing this too even though he isn't signed up here. He said everytime someone finds something wrong with my story, I have to give him one of my good pokemon for on of his bad pokemon. So i need to shape up! Next to go is Dialga! :( |
What's so good about Dialga?
Anyway, no one is perfect. Every story has mistakes. PS. I only noticed! You don't say "Hoennshipper" anymore. You're a PearlxKenny type person now! |
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confusion
ok there is something that is really confusing me. Firstly the title of the story says Hoenn but it appears to be Sinnoh where it takes place, and in the first chapeter you kept switching between Prof Rowan and Prof Birch which are two completely different people. Just saying you may want to have a look at that for future stories and such.
that's pretty much it, but it's a good story I like it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
This story's getting too confusing, too fast...
If May and Ash are Seth's parents, wouldn't that mean they'd be like 38? So, why in the seven hells are Brendan and Drew 15 and 16?!?! |
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I know we shouldn't assume it's the show's character Drew, but you could at least let us know you're talking about a different Drew (since you know there is already a trainer with that name). Also, double post.
Lastly, how are you gonna explain switching professors? Quote:
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Chapter 21
Hope this makes up for the mistakes I made in the past
The smoke cleared. Gallade stood tall with cuts and scrapes all over its body. Roselia was on the ground, brused and still. Drew's eyes widen to the fact that he lost to Seth. Seth stood tall with his arms crossed looking across the battle field at Drew. "And that's how it's done." Drew took out Roselia's pokeball. The red beam of light surrounded it and sucked it inside. The two boys stood there in silence. The MC didn't say a word. "Okay! An exciting battle between Psychic and Grass type!" the MC shouted. Seth walked back to where the other coordinators were. "That was an awsome battle,Seth" Brendan replied. Seth nodded. "Now it's time for my battle!" Brendan shouted with his hand in a fist. Brendan walked out onto the battle field. He looked across the sandy field at Devin. Devin only seemed about 9. "This is gonna be easy" Brendan muttered to himself tossing a pokeball in the air and catching it. "Monferno, go!" Devin shouted throwing the pokeball. Monferno stood proud on the battle field. Monferno let out a victorious cry, like it has won already. "Aggron, stand by!" Brendan shouted as he threw the pokeball. A red beam of light hit the battle feild and Aggron came out. Aggron let out a mighty cry and stood before the Monferno. "Monferno, Flame Wheel!" Devin shouted. Monferno took in a breath, then let it out and spun foward encased in fire. "Aggron, dodge and use Metal Claw!" Brendan shouted quickly. Aggron moved out of the way and slashed Monferno skyward with its sharp metal claws. "Alright!" Brendan shouted. "Monferno, Mach Punch!" Devin shouted looking up at Monferno in the air. Monferno's fist lit up, Monferno came crashing down with its fist foward. Aggron was hit. "Aggron! Don't let some stupid fire type beat you! Counter attack with Metal Burst!" Brendan shouted. Aggron quickly regained balance. Aggron to a big breath in, then a big breath out shooting bits of metal at Monferno. The bits of metal cut Monferno. "Now, finish it off with Iron Head!" Brendan shouted. Aggron's body became encased in steel. Aggron lunged at Monferno head first. Monferno was thrown to the wall. Monferno stumbled to get up, it didn't. "Wonderful battle! Both trainer's totally in sync with their pokemon!" the MC shouted as Brendan took out the pokeball. A red beam of light surrounded Aggron as it took it inside the pokeball. "Now it's time for the final match!" the MC shouted. "Seth against Brendan!" The time was set to 5 minutes, the battle began. "Aggron, go!" Brendan shouted throwing the pokeball as Aggron came out. "Gallade, Psycho Cut!" Seth shouted throwing Gallade's pokeball. Gallade came out, its arms glowing purple. Gallade ran twoards Aggron. Gallade kept slashing at Aggron. Gallade jumped into the air and slashed Aggron comming back down. "Aggron, Iron Tail!" Brendan shouted. Aggron's tail became encased in thick metal. Aggron turned as its mighty tail hit Gallade and threw it off its feet. Gallade fell to the ground. Gallade struggled to get up. Gallade was already cut and hurt. "Alright Aggron, finish it off with Iron Head!" Brendan shouted. Aggron's body shined as it lunged twoard Gallade. "I was afraid of that," Seth mumbled. "Gallade!-" Seth began to say but turned away. Seth heard a smack and a long gasp from the auidience. Seth turned to see Gallade with its arms crossed like an X and it getting pushed by Aggron. "Gallade, use Psycho Cut again!" Seth shouted. Gallade slashed its arms down and slashed at Aggron. "Aggron, Metal Burst!" Brendan shouted. Aggron let out a big breath releasing sharp metal bits at Gallade "Galalde, Shadow Ball!" Seth shouted. Gallade made a powerfull Shadow Ball and threw it at Aggron. The metal burst and shadow ball colided. Smoke filled the arena. With only 2 seconds left on the clock. The smoke cleared. Aggron and Galade still stood unharmed. The clock hit zero. Both Brendan and Seth's points were equal. "Well, for the first time we have a draw!" the MC shouted. The crowd was silent. The MC approached both boys with the ribbon. "But we only have one ribbon, you two have to decide who will get it." Brendan and Seth looked at eachother. Brendan took the ribbon from the MC and handed it to Seth. Seth looked at the ribbon, then at Brendan puzzled. "You need it more than I do, trust me" Brendan replied smiling. Seth smiled and turned to the auidience, and held up the ribbon. The crowd exited the arena. Emily, Macey, and Jared stood outside waiting for Brendan and Seth to come out. Both boys walked over to them. Seth sighed happily. "Two down, two to go if I want to get into the Grand Festival" The all walked down to the exit of Hearthome City. Macey took a little brochure from the contest hall. "It says here that there is a gym here, guess we missed it." Macey said reading. "A gym? And we missed it!" Brendan moaned. Macey nodded. "Also one in Canalave we missed too," Brendan let out a loud groan. "We need to go back!" "Too late, cause we are already almost to the next City." Macey replied. They approached a steep hill. Jared looked up to the top. "We have to climb that thing?" "Well, it's the only way we can get to Veilstone City" Emily replied. |
What...how did they "miss" the gym when they were still at the edge of the City?
And how can they be "almost there" after walking for 1 minute? I mean, even in the GAME it's not that fast! Oh yeah, the drew thing...we can't tell it's not shoe drew because he's the same! (as far as WE know) |
alright i'll change things up a bit
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I didn't read any of this, so I guess I shouldn't be commenting, but..
I copied and pasted every chapter so far onto Wordpad to read. |
Chapter 22
There will be a little delay on Chapter 23, 1 week (5 days) to be exact. Chapter 23 to be posted next Friday.
They began climbing the grassy hill. "Are we there yet? This stupid hill is making my feet hurt!" Jared moaned. "No! Now be quiet before I push you down the stupid hill!" Brendan shouted. They reached the top. Jared looked out into the sun setting behind Veilstone. "Wow," Jared mumbled under his breath. "Yeah, it's beautiful." Macey said smiling. "No, wow as in, the sun is BRIGHT" Jared replied. Macey looked at Jared and pushed him down the hill. Jared began running back down twoards Veilstone. Everyone looked at eachother than began running down the hill. The hill was too steep to take at full speed and too high. Brendan stopped at took out a pokeball. The ball opened up and Swampert came out. "Swampert, Water Gun!" Brendan shouted. Swampert shot a blast of water on the hill. The hill became muddy and wet and eroded. Brendan stood on Swampert's back as Swampert slid down the hill. Everyone stopped and looked at Brendan going down the hill. Brendan turned around and grinned. Everyone ran full speed after Swampert and Brendan. Swampert swurved across the hill. Seth tripped and slid down the muddy hill. By the time he stopped, he was covered in mud. Seth stumbled to his feet and looked at Brendan and Swampert. Brendan turned around and laughed. Swampert wasn't paying attention and slammed right into a tree. Brendan flew off Swampert and smacked his head on the tree. Brendan sat on the ground rubbing his head with a small smile on his face. Jared almost fell flat on his face as he came to an imediet stop at the bottom of the hill. Brendan still sat on the ground rubbing his brused head. Jared looked over at Brendan and began laughing. Brendan opened one eye and saw Jared. "I wouldn't be laughing, Jared." Brendan replied climbing onto Swampert's back. "Oh yeah? And why is that?" Jared shot back. "Cause, your soaking wet." Brendan answered. "What? I'm not soaking wet!" Jared shouted. "You are now!" Brendan screamed as Swampert shot a blast of water at Jared. Everyone broke down laughing. Night began to fall. "We should go find a Pokemon Center." Seth said. Everyone climbed onto Swampert's back and rode into Veilstone City. Swampert went back into the pokeball. They entered a pokemon center. Nurse Joy led them to a room. Seth took out a pokeball. The orb opened up and let Absol out. Seth climbed onto the top bed. Absol leaped on the bed and lied next to Seth. Emily let Mudkip out of its pokeball. Mudkip lied on the pillow next to Emily's head. Espeon and Umbreon slept at Macey's feet. Brendan took the bed across from Emily's. Macey took the one above Brendan and Jared took the bed on the far wall. The room became silent and pitch black. Everyone had fallen asleep. |
Seth took out a pokeball. The orb opened up and let Absol out. Seth climbed onto the top bed. Absol leaped on the bed and lied next to Seth.
That could come out wrong in SO many ways. Anyway, I guess you're doing an ok job... |
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