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Sir. Aaron Hero of my Heart
Sir Aaron- Hero of my Heart Rose was on her way to the throne room one morning in Cameron Palace. She was looking everywhere at all of the huge marble pillars, colorful carpets, and frames hung everywhere when she accidentally ran into a teenager of 18 or 19 years. She, being the servant that she was, immediately knelt down in front of him, saying “I am so sorry, sir. Please forgive me, and please spare Me.,” as she had been taught to do.When he answered, it wasn’t the harsh voice she was used to getting from most people she’d apologized to. It was actually rather calm, and soothing, and after she’d heard it she wanted to listen to it all day and night. He said, “Of course I forgive you! I am just a Knight, and I wouldn’t hurt you. I am new to this palace, and I am lost. If it’s no trouble to you, could you bring me to the throne room?” Rose finally dared to raise her head, and she told him she could show him to the room. But what she saw wasn’t what she had expected. He was the most handsome guy she had ever seen in all her 17 years. Rose stared at him for awhile, and took him in. He was about 5 foot 6, with a long dark blue cape (which she would’ve loved to snuggle up in by the way.) brown boots and brown leggings, some tunic sort of thing over his chest and waist, and a blue hat with a strange yellow symbol on it. He also wore blue gloves with crystals in the center of them, and he had black, maybe even dark blue hair which spiked out everywhere and a few strands of it fell across his face. He had crystal blue eyes, which were twinkling nonstop. She had never felt this way before, being a servant, but she had to admit it- she was in love with this young Knight. “Rose?” Rose was snapped back to reality by that same gentle voice calling her name. She blushed when she heard it, but she took him to the throne room. Once there, they both knelt at the feet of Lady Rin. Rose was a little in trouble because she was late meeting Rin. Aaron came to her defense, though, saying that Rose was only late because he had asked her to bring him to the throne room, and really it was his fault, and that they should punish him instead. In the end no one was punished, and Rin told them why she had called them there in the first place. “Rose, you are to do your regular duties: the cooking, the cleaning, the washing of clothes, the scrubbing, the polishing, the dusting, and the gardening. Aaron, you are still in training to be a Knight, so I think you very well know what to do. You may both arise to go do your tasks.” Rose and Aaron both stood up and said “Yes, Your Majesty,” in unison. At night, after all chores are done… Aaron found Rose in her room looking at a picture of something and she had tears in her eyes. He knocked on her door and heard a very startled Rose say “Come in!”Aaron carefully opened and closed the door and stood beside Rose. Rose was happy to see him, but she was nervous because she loved him so much, and she didn’t want him to see that she had just been crying. He was able to tell, though, and he asked her what was wrong. She replied with “Aaron, it’s a long story.” He sat down. “I have the time.” Thus Rose began her story. “I used to be very rich when I was only 12. I was riding in a carriage, with my mother, father, grandfather, grandmother, and a few maids. The carriage was pulled by 4 beautiful white horses, and all of us were dressed in fancy clothes, except for the maids, because we were going to a party,” here she paused and showed Aaron the picture she had been looking at, then continued. “The party we were going to was far away, and we were celebrating my 13th birthday,” Aaron interrupted, saying “Rose, Queen Rin told me you came to work here when you were 13.” Rose continued her story, saying, “We had to stop because my grandmother had suddenly gotten very sick. While the doctors were trying to figure out what was wrong, my mother was suddenly lying dead, and eventually my father, my grandmother, my grandfather, and all the maids were dead too. I didn’t know what had happened until 3 men with swords knocked me out. The next thing I knew I was here at Cameron Palace. Rin told me that I was to be a servant here and that this was where I was staying and that I was not allowed to leave. I was shown what to do and where I was allowed to go by another maid named Amy. So that is pretty much it.” She hadn’t realized that she had been crying until she had finished her story. She was immediately embarrassed and all she wanted to do was to cuddle up with Aaron, but she would never tell him that. Aaron didn’t know what to do except hug her close to him. She felt warm and she hugged him back. He eventually let her go and asked her if he wanted him to stay with her. Rose told him that she would probably be okay and that they both needed to get some sleep. Aaron promised her that he would come visit her in the morning, ‘just to check on her,’ he claimed. In the morning after he’d taken a shower, brushed his teeth, and gotten dressed he rushed down to Rose’s room. He would never admit it, but he loved her immensely. He wanted nothing but to see her again. He had only known her for a day, but he felt very close to her. (Plus it felt so good to hold her.) When he got down to her room, he knocked on the door once again. She had just woken up and her hair was a mess. “Who is it,” she asked a little sleepily. “It’s me, Sir. Aaron. I just wanted to see you and make sure you were alright. I brought you breakfast, by the way.” She opened the door, still in a long nightgown. She laughed. Aaron’s hair was still wet from his shower, and it stuck out everywhere without his hat. He wasn’t wearing his cape or gloves, just his boots, leggings, and tunic. He walked into the room and put the tray of food down on her desk. He asked her if she wanted him to leave her alone or if she wanted to eat with him. She said that she wanted to be alone because she hadn’t fully woken up yet. She thanked him and Aaron left. Rose wondered why Aaron was paying so much attention to her, concluding that is was just probably because he was new to the palace and he wanted a friend. She smiled when she thought about the way it had felt in his arms the night before. Meanwhile, Aaron was in his room thinking about Rose. He didn’t exactly know how to act around her, being a Knight and all, and he found it a little confusing. He wondered what Rose thought about him. He finally had to stop thinking about it because the alarm sounded. He brushed his hair, put on his cape, gloves, hat, and a small brown bag around his waist. He knew it was time to go see Lady Rin. For the next few months it was just work for Rose and training for Aaron, but when all the chores were done, they spent as much time as possible with each other. They became very close friends, and they were in love, only they didn’t know it yet. Aaron told her that when he had been 8, he had been sent into training as a page. When he was 13, he became squire to another Knight. And when he had turned 19 he became a Knight. He told her about the dubbing, which was done by Lady Rin herself. He said that dubbing was when you were proclaimed a Knight and you could take on the title of ‘Sir.’ They would give you a blow with their hands or with the side of a sword. His had been done with the sword, and Rose asked him if it had hurt. He told her that it had left a small cut, but that it healed soon. Meanwhile, Rose told him about her life before she was taken to be a servant at Cameron Palace. She said that she was actually glad that she was here now because of him. He blushed a little, and his heart started beating faster. He wanted to hold her again, but was afraid to do so because he had no idea how she felt about him. Sometimes they would talk late into the night sharing their hopes, dreams, and fears, and laughing together. At times Rose would be whipped for making mistakes, and being in pain, she cried. Aaron took that as an excuse to cuddle with her and comfort her. One day, though, however, Aaron was not his usual self. He told her that he was going on a long quest and that he would never return, and he wanted her to be with him in his time of need. At this, Rose was too shocked to say anything, and she just stood there until Aaron touched her back gently and she looked up at him. She layed her head on his shoulder. He put an arm around her back and said he wanted to go to his room and he wanted her to come too. She nodded and followed him there. Once in his room, he said that he wanted to tell her something. He cupped her chin in his hands and looked down into her eyes. Both of their hearts were beating at superspeed. He tried to tell her that he loved her, but right when he tried to say the word ‘love’ his throat would choke up and he’d try again but to no avail. As soon as he was about to give up, Queen Rin came into the room. When she saw and heard Aaron trying to tell her, she smiled and said “Rose,” Rose looked up at Rin, and she laughed. “Rose, Aaron is trying to tell you that he loves you.” Rose stared into Aaron’s eyes, saying “Aaron, is this true?” Aaron looked down on at the blanket on his bed and said “Yes, it is true, I do love you very much. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.” Rose gasped, then recovered herself quickly. “Then I think it’s time that I come clean, too. Aaron, I’ve loved you since the day I met you.” When he heard this, Aaron wrapped his cape around her and hugged her close in it. He kissed her lips and then came back to the harsh reality. “It’s too bad we weren’t together sooner, because I’m going to die at the end of this quest.” Tears pooled in Rose’s eyes and flooded over. Aaron wiped them away with a corner of his cape and said “That’s why I want you to be with me. There’s nothing that anyone can do. Will you come?” Rose smiled through her tears. “If it’s anything I can do for you, of course I’ll come.” Aaron kissed her hand gently. “Thank you, Rose.” The next day was the day of the quest. Aaron explained to Rose that he had something called the aura, which could be used to save things. Anyone else with the aura could do the same and communicate with all people who had the aura. Aaron decided to use a little of his aura power to see if he could communicate with Rose. When he was finished, he was more than a little surprised- Rose had the aura too! Aaron told Rose that he was going to use his aura to save the Tree of Beginning, and all the pokemon in it. There was also a legendary pokemon called Mew which needed aura to survive. Rose, realizing that she could use her aura too, said “Aaron, why don’t we both use our aura?” Aaron’s voice became serious. “Rose, the aura is a very dangerous thing. Using it will cost you your life. Now cut the chitchat, we’ve got to start on our quest.” The next day, on the Quest Rose and Aaron had reached the Tree of Beginning. Something had to be done quickly. If nothing was done, the Tree of Beginning would die, killing Mew and all the other Pokemon that called it home. Instead of its usual blue, it was glowing orange inside, like hot lava. Outside, the tree was crumbling, and Pokemon were rushing to safety everywhere. Sir Aaron knew what had to be done. He put his hands out, and a sparkling green aura sphere began forming. “Mew! Save yourself, and this tree! The aura is with me!” He began yelling and grunting with pain and exercion, and the hall echoed with his cries. Rose couldn’t bear to watch Sir. Aaron die that way, so she quickly leapt up to help. “Mew, accept my aura, too! The green light began coming from her hands, but she felt herself knocked backwards. White electric waves began running down Aaron’s whole body. Rose knew he was dying, but she heard Aaron call to her. “Rose! Don’t use your aura! I’ll take care of this! Save yourself!” With a final yell of pain, it was over. The tree flooded with a bright green light, and everything was restored back to normal. It was all fresh and alive, except one thing- Sir. Aaron. Rose ran up to him, worried. “Aaron! Tell me you’re alright! Please don’t die, you can’t!” He took his gloves off and smiled a peaceful, gentle smile. “Rose, you’ll be alright… Aaauuuuggghhhh!” He trembled from the shock waves that were coursing down his body. “Come.” Rose walked closer to him, and he had her sit down next to him. “Rose, this is my goodbye to you.” He put his arms around her. He stroked her face, then kissed her lips. She cuddled close to him, and she could feel him trembling. She closed her eyes, and he let the kiss go, but kept his arms around her. “I want you to take my staff, gloves, and bag to Lady Rin. I want you to keep my cape, because I know how you liked cuddling up in it… Goodbye Rose. I know …we’ll meet… again.” Rose opened her eyes and Aaron was gone. “Sir Aaron,” Rose wailed. Her best friend, her protector, was dead. 2 days later at Cameron Palace Rose walked up to Lady Rin. She gave her Aaron’s staff, gloves, and bag as she had been told to. She told Rin how Aaron had died. Rin, knowing that Aaron had been Rose’s love and friend, let Rose spend the day off. Rose just kept saying “Aaron… Aaron…” over and over again. She cuddled up in his cape and fell asleep, her tears soaking the pillow. Aaron came to Rose in a dream. He said that he’d always love her, and that he wanted to be with her. Rose smiled in her dream, and felt somewhat comforted by his prescence. *Note: This story was written by Queen Rin, and has been passed through Cameron Palace for centuries. After Rose woke up from her dream, she decided that being a servant was too hard without Sir. Aaron, and Rin let her free. She ran away to the tree of Beginning, where she stayed mourning the death of her beloved Aaron until she too, eventually died. Aaron and Rose are together today, and they are still very in love and happy together. Sometimes they come to us Queens in dreams and let us know that they’re alright. They also give us guidance, comfort, and encouragement. Rose and Aaron are still honored throughout the years here at Cameron Palace with a pokemon battle. The winner is crowned ‘Guardian of Aura’ and presented with Aaron’s staff. There is also a feast, a ball, and fireworks. Signed, Lady Ilene |
oh my gosh this made me cry, I love it and good job. its wonderful and I give it 10/10
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Because you asked for a review for this one, here it is.
As a note, I'm skipping over my comments about modifying the font and paragraphing. I've already mentioned those in my other review, so I'll assume that point's gotten across. Also, as usual, whenever I see a grammatical error, I'll correct it, put it in bold, and (if it's significant) explain it. Additionally, it's another long and somewhat blunt review. Again, I'm mostly here to help you, so don't take it too personally. Quote:
Who is Rose? What does she look like? As the readers, we have nothing to go on, nothing to help us picture Rose or understand what she's doing in the palace. At this particular point, she may be the princess, or she may be the farmer's daughter. We don't know. When you introduce an original character (i.e., one of your own creation), you really need to tell us who she is. Otherwise, we're lost here. Quote:
Additionally, saying he's a teenager and then telling us that, yes, he's a teenager just seems redundant. Try going with one or the other. Quote:
Also, try taking the part about being a servant out of there and moving it to the part where you introduce Rose. That way, it doesn't feel so much like an afterthought. Quote:
Also, unless Rose is God (and I sincerely hope she isn't), don't capitalize pronouns referring to her, including "me." Quote:
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Also, knights are actually fairly high-ranked. They're typically people of nobility, not just common soldiers. To say "I am just a knight" is a lot like saying "I am just a baron" or "I am just a duke." Quote:
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As a note, you'll want to be very careful about what you write. Here, you're trying to say "looked him over" or simply "stared at him for awhile." (Yes, you can and probably should just leave it at that.) What you're saying instead is something that reminds me of the sex fics I certainly don't read in my spare time. To put it even simpler, you can take in a scenery. You can take in a painting. I really hope you're not taking in someone you love at first sight because that's just not polite. In other words, careful wording to avoid odd mental images is a must. Quote:
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Again, you'll want your narrator to avoid slang because it's easier to take the narrator seriously if she speaks vaguely formally. As in, without clichés or slang. Not to mention the narrator should know whether or not it's a tunic. Don't let the narrator be vague. Quote:
Again, the narrator should know whether his hair was black or dark blue. Please don't use the words "maybe even." It's slang, and it's really something that a preteen girl should be saying. A preteen girl of this time, no less. 2. Note the second bold correction. If you leave the sentence as is, you're actually writing a run-on, or a sentence that attempts to splice three or more independent clauses (pieces that can stand as their own sentences) together. This is bad because it's just not grammatically correct, and it's hard on the readers' eyes. Whenever using a conjunction like "and," here's a tip: Replace the word "and" with a period. Then, read the parts you've split up. If they're each their own sentences, you've got to punctuate the original sentence correctly. As in, if it's just two pieces you're putting together, it needs a comma and conjunction (or a semicolon or colon – but those are harder to use and should probably be avoided unless you know what you're doing). If it's three or more pieces, two of them can form a compound sentence, but the third and others need to be separated out with a period. Quote:
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Although it'd be even better if you just had dialogue here instead. Quote:
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You will, of course, need to figure out how to show a change of scenes some other way, possibly by leaving more space between each scene or possibly by using a few symbols. Quote:
Also, as a note, I'm not sure if servants actually had their own rooms in castles. Usually, younger servants roomed together. They are, after all, servants. Besides that, how does Aaron know where Rose's room is? Quote:
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Also, that's not really much of a long story. O_o Quote:
Also, this turns into another run-on, so however you phrase this part, you'll want to add in a period somewhere in here, possibly instead of the comma above. Quote:
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Long story short, anachronisms are not your friends. Research, however, is. Even on Wikipedia, as unreliable as it is sometimes. Anachronisms – or bits that belong to a different time than the story – tend to make it harder to take the story seriously because the readers start to think you're trying to take the characters and plop them in a different time period. This is bad because it makes it look like the author's not really putting much effort into trying to make the story believable and consistent. 2. Same thing with dental hygiene, really. (Not invented in Europe until the 1780s.) There's a reason why a lot of people tended to have false teeth. Quote:
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What I mean by "afterthought" is like this: if you throw in information by saying "by the way," "plus," what have you, it feels like you're tacking that information onto the end without giving it much thought. That's really why it's a bad thing: because it feels like you're throwing stuff into the story for no apparent reason. Quote:
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Also, again, don't be afraid to let your characters speak. Quote:
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Being a knight, he didn't exactly know how to act around her. Also, alarm? Mind you, this is still the Middle Ages or at least the distant past in this particular world. If it was a trumpet being blown, that's one thing, but I hope this isn't something like a fire alarm. Quote:
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In this case, while Sir Aaron only appears in the movie briefly (as in, so brief that we can only get a glimpse of who he is), he still seems dead set on his purpose as an Aura Guardian. He seems not only aware that he is one, but he also is incredibly dedicated to that fact. In other words, he seems more like the knight who would sooner ride out to lop off the heads of dragons than take the captured princess to bed. On top of this, he's also an Aura Guardian, compelled to do good for the world in general above doing good for a single person. (Even then, I've always felt the opening scenes implied he loved Queen Rin.) So, to put things even simpler, I just feel a bit uncomfortable because I feel like this isn't entirely Sir Aaron. Even if he was, I feel as if you could do more with the conflict between duty and love that he should probably be feeling right now, rather than just the conflict of trying to keep a lid on his love for a servant he's pretty much just met. Quote:
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Please don't have characters bursting into the room to explain things for convenience. First off, it's illogical unless there's some reason behind why they're there at all (besides to explain things). It's like if your mother suddenly burst into a classroom to explain an entire situation to your teacher. It just doesn't happen. Second, it's making things convenient for your characters. Rather than have the characters themselves work around a problem, you're having the solution just come to them. Readers are more interested in struggle than they are in seeing that a solution is reached. Think of it in terms of the movies you've seen. Have you ever seen a movie where you're watching the characters muddle through problems throughout the movie, only to finally come to the conclusion after a couple of hours of trying to get through the problem? Doesn't the solution suddenly seem a lot more satisfying after the characters spend that much time working through the plot? It's the same thing here. You're having the solution come to the characters without having them struggle, so it's just not as satisfying as watching the tension and conflict build up while they scramble to find a solution to their problems. You've got to take it slow and make them jump for a happy ending. Quote:
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See, because Rose is the subject of the first sentence, you're actually implying that it's Rose who's laughing and speaking. This isn't the case, so you'll want to make it incredibly clear that Rin is the "she" in this case and that the dialogue is separate from the action. That way, we know without a doubt that it's Rin who's laughing and speaking, not Rose. Quote:
Second, down at, not down on. "Down on" is basically an expression that means "he disapproves of." As in, rather than have him stare at the blanket, you're implying that he's actually disapproving of it. Quote:
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Not to mention "come clean" just feels like something a person who's admitting their love wouldn't say anyway. The phrase implies that they're guilty about something, which means that they think being in love is a bad thing. Not exactly a compliment here. So, instead, try "tell the truth." Simple, timeless, and less likely to insult your lover. Quote:
Second, no need for a comma before "because." It really serves no purpose here because that particular word is not a conjunction that needs a comma. Third, I'll have to ask about the logic here. How does he know for certain he's going to die, and why would he tell the woman who's madly in love with him this? Especially as if Aaron has absolutely no problem with it. I mean, "I love you, but I'm going to have to go die now" just seems a little blunt. It also implies that he doesn't really love her because he's so quick to say that he's definitely going to die. Usually, if you're speaking to someone you love, you'll at least want to remotely reassure them that you're coming back in one piece. Quote:
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Suddenly, I feel as if he's not telling her the truth when he says he loves her. Quote:
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2. Isn't it just "aura"? More specifically, "the ability to use aura"? Aura's not something that someone can possess, from what I understand. Rather, it's a kind of energy everyone has but few people can actually control. (To state the definition that Bulbapedia gives it, aura is "the essence of every living creature." However, only Aura Guardians can sense and control it.) 3. That's very descriptive there. How does it save things? Quote:
Also, why isn't Rose reacting to the use of aura? You'd think she'd have some kind of reaction, like surprise or wonder. Quote:
Second, why are you not capitalizing "Pokémon," but you capitalize things like "knight"? Quote:
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Second, why is he still not protesting against her presence alongside him on this incredibly dangerous quest? Quote:
Also, capitalizing "quest" implies that the word is actually a name. Which makes me think of more dirty metaphors. Quote:
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Also, yeah, if you're capitalizing the word "Pokémon" now, that usually means that you'll either want to capitalize the word throughout the fic or leave everything lowercase. Either way, it's one of those consistency rules. Quote:
Also, uh, where is Mew? It's a legendary, so most likely, it's trying to protect the Tree, right? Then, why hasn't it actually appeared? Quote:
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Again, be descriptive. Your audience is not a pack of psychics, so we don't know what you're thinking about. As in, we can't tell what images you have in your head, so you, as the storyteller, need to describe as much as possible to us in order to help us get a clear picture of what's going on. Quote:
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Also, begin a new paragraph after this point. There's too many characters in this paragraph to make it clear who's speaking. Quote:
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Also, cuddling up = modern slang. And, for that matter, not what a soldier (which a knight essentially is) would probably say. Quote:
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1. You're trying to turn this entire story into first person, as told from Queen Rin's point of view. This isn't possible at all because you do two things: a. Describe events another person can't possibly know (namely, the exact events of Aaron's death). b. Mention Rose's dreams. Unless Queen Rin is psychic (and she is not) or is inventing details that never actually happened (which she probably would never do, given her character), she can't possibly have told this story. 2. It's written like an author's note. If you want to establish an epilogue, you should probably format it as such or, if you'd rather keep this as a one-shot, do a paragraph break. 3. It ignores the events of the movie. Again. Granted, the entire fic does this on a level, but in this case, it just feels a little awkward. Ghosts of two lovers in ancient times keep haunting the dreams of queens for years to come? Okay, so, after a very long detailed review (twenty pages so far), let me just summarize it with the key problem areas: 1. Grammar. You seem to have a lot of trouble figuring out where to start new paragraphs (especially when it comes to dialogue) and when to use commas. I would highly suggest looking at the grammar sticky in the Writer's Lounge or OWL at Purdue. (I gave you the link to OWL in my last review.) Both are helpful resources that can teach you how to use those problem parts. Also, I feel as if you didn't proofread. There's a number of mistakes that you can catch with a spell checker, and a number of sentences sound awkward. The latter can be detected by just reading your work aloud when you're finished writing. Remember, proofreading is an essential step. Let your work cool for twenty-four hours after you write the last word. As in, don't touch it. Then, after a day, go back to it, and you'll be able to read your work as if you're a reader, rather than a writer's bias. You'll be able to pick out more mistakes that way. 2. Characterization. I can't stress this enough. It is okay to let your characters speak once in awhile. Speaking lets us know how they're feeling about something. Emotions make them seem more alive. Remember, your goal as a storyteller is to pull us into a story. By letting us eavesdrop on them instead of relaying what they're saying to us as if we're not there, you're letting us watch them directly, so they seem more like they're living people instead of cardboard cutouts. Likewise, be very careful about characterization in general. Even if it's your story, you'll still want to take into consideration how Aaron acts in the anime, not only because it's respectful of his character (which you probably want to be because you're a fan) but also because there's so much potential for conflict and such if you portrayed him as the stern, duty-minded person he is in the anime. Remember, make your roles fit your characters, not your characters fit your roles. Rather than have Aaron be gushy and blushy, have him be hard and torn between duty and love – but leaning towards duty. That way, it's true to who he is, and you have the added problem of trying to figure out how to coax him into admitting that he loves Rose and then expressing it. As for Rose, she's a servant girl and therefore beneath him. I can't say too much else because I don't think you let her out as much as you could have, but I can say that this should partly lend a hand in developing her or at least the way she feels about Aaron. She's in love with a nobleman essentially, so how would she feel about that? Furthermore, please don't use Queen Rin as a device of convenience. As in, Queen Rin is the solemn ruler of Cameran Palace. She is, in the anime, constantly thinking about what war would do to her land, and even then, political figures probably have better things to worry about than eavesdropping and fixing up the love between a servant and a knight, regardless of how high-ranked that knight may be. It just doesn't make sense for Rin, and it's hard to take her seriously because of that. Lastly (with regards to characterization), please keep in mind logic. A man in love wouldn't tell his lover that he was going to die like that, and he certainly wouldn't permit her to go with him on a dangerous mission (especially if she has no experience with that kind of thing). Think about how your characters would act, not so much about the storyline you want to follow. The storyline can change with each action the characters take. The characters themselves… not so much unless there's a valid reason for it. 3. Logic/Plot. While I feel as if you're better in terms of logic here (although there's still plot holes, many of which are just problems with characterization), the plot could have been better. Mostly, I get the feeling you're just rushing from point A to point B without actually giving either points or the points between them much thought. For example, you never do mention why it's so important for Aaron to go to the Tree, what he's about to do, what happened to the Tree, and so on and so forth. You're mostly focused on not only making this romantic but also making it somewhat tragic, but really, it's possible to write romance and a carefully designed plot, if that makes sense. Rather than rush through things, take your time. Draw out the events, and add more conflicts. This is a romance between two otherwise incompatible people. Let them work up to confessing, and then let them work out in more than one page their problems, even if those problems aren't going to be solved in the end. It's better to have no closure (that is, no happy ending) than rush one that is. Also, if you're going to mention a legendary Pokémon, don't mention it and then have it disappear. Legendaries are among the most powerful Pokémon in that world. They're practically gods, Mew especially. You can't really just have them say, "Oh, well, here's Mew, so now let's go back to the tragic ending." And, of course, beware of odd anachronisms, especially in character dialogue. Other than that, put simply, the concept's okay, but you could really do more with it. You've got to sit down and work with it a little bit more. Seriously, if you drew this out into more pages – maybe even multiple chapters – to give yourself time to work on the characters and the events of the plot, you could actually pull this off as a good romance. |
To quote Doxisite from my fic Biohazard: GY-YE! What have you done?!
I'm sorry, while your fic is overall good, that formatting has to go! I mean, I seriously liked this story, but then to see it all done in Arial (at least that's what it looked like...) and large font just ruined it! Please, read the rules before just off and doing that! |
Wow Xanthine. I think that's the longest review ive seen yet.
Btw. I loved the story! I almost cried too! 10/10 |
thanx guys your awesome!!!!
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You may want to consider a new scene in your Sir. Aaron stories; Cameron Palace is getting really boring. Creating a plot that doesn't have Sir. Aaron committing suicide would be nice too, since you are getting quite predictable. All I have to do to know the content of the thread is to look for either your name or "Sir. Aaron". I immediately know that if I enter the thread, then I will find a story where two characters fall in love and one or both die at the end. A bit too Romeo and Juliet-ish I would think.
Something else that may help you improve is actually reading Xanthine's reviews. She isn't writing them to make you feel bad about yourself or whatnot, she's writing them to help you become a better writer. Ignoring them is comparible to slapping her in the face, since she's taking time away from herself to write them. More time, in fact, than you are spending writing this fiction. So please, listen to what she says. Also, if you could PLEASE change the font back to default size, default face, and default color, I would appreciate it much. I'm using the "darkness prevails once more" theme and it's quite difficult reading black letters on top of a dark background. Besides, the large font kills the eyes. I really don't need help there. Oh, and the forum rules say not to mess with the font. Sorta surprised Astinus hasn't reprimanded you on that yet... *waits for Astinus to step in* |
sure... actually, i was thinking about publishing just some funny, non romantic stories in the non pokemon section. To tell you the truth, I've gotten pver Sir. Aaron because I have a boyfriend.
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That's not really the point; the point is that you should be making corrections to the fictions you have already written, making them better for readers who haven't seen the original draft of it, like we have. Also, if you put more substance into your existing fictions, then it might draw older readers back to them to read it again, and may even create re-readability. That's one thing you definitely want to strive for as an author; creating a piece of art that people will want to view time and time again, never growing tired of it or frustrated with repeated errors.
So, in essence, what I am trying to tell you is that you need to make corrections to your current work. And you still need to fix your font... |
Now, I've got to tell you: I was reeeally close to leaving this unread because of the darn formatting. You've got the edit button there, so use it, for out eye's sake! It's not that big of a job to just edit that horrible horrible font out. Don't mess with fonts, it's against the rules and if you do it even once again, I very well am going to report you. Now, don't take this personally, because I don't mean to insult you, but reading your fic was a pain for my eyes. That sure isn't something you want, right? And you do know how to edit, right?
Other than that, you have potential. The plot was decent, you could've spent more time describing the places, the people and the situations. Now, I don't know what Sir Aaron is supposed to be like, since I've never seen the movie, so I don't have anything to say about that. Except for, well, you obviously love him, looking at how magnificently wonderful you made him to be. And I think Rose is a decent character, but you should have told more about her. Have you thought about rewriting this and making it longer, for like, say, 5 chapters? You could easily write 5 chapters about it. It's a good story, so please don't waste it by hurrying and shortening it. You've made some people cry because they were touched by your story. Now the only mission you have left is to make the rest of us cry - and please don't try to do so with that dreaded font of yours. Thanks, good day and keep writing! |
wow... I guess i've got a lot of revising to do...
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Awesome!! I really liked the story! I'll give it a 9/10.
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