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-   -   A story told by Poems (https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=157409)

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 3:03 PM

A story told by Poems
 
This is my first attemt at pokemon poetry. These are just a collection of pokemon poetry I wrote, some are happy and welcoming, and some will be dark and chilly. Here's the first one

Poem 1
Sunrise

I sit on a cold, cool rock,
The moon vanishing from view,
My Espeon cries,
As I point to you,

You rise above the rest,
In your own special way,
We don't know what it is,
But you make everything okay,

We settle down as we begin to think,
What you remind us of,
You make the whole world bright,
Sunrise equals love!

Well that's my first poem. I would like reviews, any good or bad comments are welcome. did I do something wrong, you have to tell me if i'm gonna inprove, i'll be waiting!!

~MasterMind~ October 17th, 2008 3:12 PM

thats good my favorite part was

"You rise above the rest,
In your own special way,
We don't know what it is,
But you make everything okay,"

you did good i would love to see more
hehe good job

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 3:21 PM

Well that's great, I'll write some more in a little bit, don't know how long I can keep my teacher out of my room!! Anyway thanks for Reviewing Darkrai 45!!, and that's my favorite part too

chanchimi October 17th, 2008 3:35 PM

That was really good! I can't write a poem for the life of me, but yours was very good, keep it up Lazy Girl!

Saltare. October 17th, 2008 4:02 PM

Cool! I might write a poem for someone...

Yu_&_Rei October 17th, 2008 4:24 PM

I really like it, and your poetry is really deep too, keep up the good work and I can't wait to see the next one!

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 4:58 PM

Poem 2
 
Okay, this is poem #2 this one doesn't really have say anything about pokemon, but It's still part of the Poem Party, like I said, they all tell a story so not all of them are going to have to do with pokemon.

Poem 2

Your Mistake

Mabey, I thought,
You knew what I mean,
But you sunk and failed the dream,

I watched it fly high away,
High enough to reach you someday,
I will never reach you though,
She will watch and sing your show,

There is a lesson you will never learn,
Something you can't find with her,
Go ahead and walk away,
I was over you yesterday,

Keep flying and walking and don't look back,
You won't be recednized on this path,
So now that your gone our world is so peppy,
Without the troubles I hope you are happy!!

well there ya go, #2

Yu_&_Rei October 17th, 2008 5:02 PM

I really like it, sounds like someone broke up with someone I think,

~MasterMind~ October 17th, 2008 5:07 PM

how do you come up with these things there amazing such passion such amzement

There is a lesson you will never learn,
Something you can't find with her,
Go ahead and walk away,
I was over you yesterday,

this was my fav part
bravo bravo
more more

Saltare. October 17th, 2008 5:14 PM

not bravo, BRAVA! lol awsome work!

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 5:15 PM

Everyone says I'm really good with Poems and songs, so I write about what i know. If i'm mad or upset, I write..heck during school I don't even hear the teachers, I'm writing the entire time...I'll wait a little bit, then I'll put the next poem up

Yu_&_Rei October 17th, 2008 5:17 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazy Girl (Post 4042941)
Everyone says I'm really good with Poems and songs, so I write about what i know. If i'm mad or upset, I write..heck during school I don't even hear the teachers, I'm writing the entire time...I'll wait a little bit, then I'll put the next poem up

everyone is definatly right about you being good at writing poems and songs, you're gifted!! and not everyone can just write a poem like that so you have a natural talent!!

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 5:45 PM

Thanks....The only person I know that doesn't think I'm any good is a kid named Alexzander Cameron. Thanks everyone for the reviews like I said, in lil bit I'll have the third poem up

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 6:09 PM

Poem's 3 & 4
 
I seriously wanted to get these two up today. So here they are, number three is kinda short but there's a reson for that

Poem 3
Little Hamster Pokemon

Sitting alone on my bed,
Say there's nothing to dred,
Watch the hamster pokemon play and play,
Oh how it does come my way,

Little Pokemon time to play,
Time to play a little game,
Little Pokemon Time for bed,
Think of happiness instead!!

Like I said that one was short but it's still good. Can anyone figure out what this one means?, now on to #4

Poem 4
Sorrow

Espeon and I travel through the woods,
We hear the sounds but we don't move,
The rustle of wild pokemon around,
Warning us the someone comming is you,

We move again,
ignoring the pain,
You've put in our hearts,
We have nothing to gain,

But our freedom from your grasp,
Which is what we're after,
Trying and trying we've failed over again,
We try to climb the lader,

With nothing else we can do,
We continue to walk along,
The path we've chosen in the end,
Our Sorrow comes on strong!!

Well how were those two???

~MasterMind~ October 17th, 2008 6:12 PM

these poems of yours are amzing there soo good you coild probabaly make a book of poems out of um hehe
i bet youre gonna be a famous song/poem writer when you grow up

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 6:17 PM

It's defenetly possible. Poems and songs are technectly the only way I can really let out my true feelings, so I do. Thanks for saying that, I've been writing Poems since I was six and I wrote my first song ay age seven

JX Valentine October 17th, 2008 6:30 PM

Little tip regarding rhythm: Read your poetry aloud. Every line should flow into the next one so that the overall poem actually has a beat, especially if you're doing rhyme schemes. (Yeah, poetry isn't about rhyming every line or every other line. You've got to concentrate a little bit on how it sounds too.) There's a few places where the beat sounds off -- like where a line is oddly long compared to the others. I'll give you an example in the detailed breakdown further along.

The general content and concepts are okay, but I'd say you could use a lot more imagery and metaphor. Poetry's about getting your ideas across in a way that conveys a certain meaning. As in, you're trying to get the reader to feel a certain way (emotionally) when they read about the object. For example, when you're talking about the sunrise, you'll probably want to talk a little bit about what it looks like, what it feels like physically, and what kind of emotions that make the speaker feel. Otherwise, the reader doesn't really feel connected to the event, so we're left rather indifferent about it. I mean, the entire second stanza:

Quote:

You rise above the rest,
In your own special way,
We don't know what it is,
But you make everything okay,
You're very vague here. You don't actually pin down how the object rises (not only literally but in a metaphorical way), and you actually outright say "we don't know what it is." Don't do that. If you really want to write good poetry, give us images and emotions, not vague lines that you're fitting in just to keep up with a rhyme scheme.

Also, proofread your poems. I'm assuming you're not E.E. Cummings here, so it's a bit of a given, even if you're writing poetry, to go over your work. Otherwise, your poetry looks a little messy, which, unfortunately, the second does compared to the first as a result. And that kind of stuff just makes it harder to focus on the poem itself.

To be specific, I've put in bold the corrections, and I'll explain a few afterwards.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazy Girl (Post 4042895)
Maybe, I thought,
You knew what I mean,
But you sunk and failed the dream,

I watched it fly high away,
High enough to reach you someday.
I will never reach you, though.
She will watch and sing your show.

There is a lesson you will never learn,
Something you can't find with her.
Go ahead and walk away.
I was over you yesterday.

Keep flying and walking and don't look back.
You won't be recednized (?) on this path.
So now that you're gone our world is so peppy,
Without the troubles. I hope you are happy!!

First off, yes, you can use periods in poems. You'd just use them the same way you do in prose, really. Either that, or you use no punctuation at all at the end of lines. *shrug*

Also, there's some parts of this poem that I don't think make much sense to me. For example, the part where I put in the question mark is next to a word I'm not quite sure about. Do you mean "recognized" here? Because this is a verb in the middle of the stanza that's closing up this poem, whatever it is actually is fairly important to understand the rest, so you'll want to be carefully about that kind of thing.

Aside from that, "failed the dream"? Flying and walking? Watch and sing your show? What show? Yes, poetry tends to be vague with what it means sometimes, but usually, the meaning is masked in metaphors and short language, not conflicting language that doesn't really let a reader get a mental image of what's going on. (I get the feeling the third line is there to make the stanza fit into the rhyme scheme, but even then, you've got to be careful with your word choice. Also, why are there only three lines in the first stanza if you're going for a couplet scheme? And yeah, that's the first line I was talking about. It's either oddly long compared to the rest of the stanza or short if you try to break it up. Maybe a rephrase here?)

I won't go into much detail with the others because I'd be repeating my basic ideas, but basically, yeah. You've got to really be careful with what you're saying. Give us imagery and metaphors. Concentrate on your beat and reread your work before posting it. Read your work aloud before posting it.

And seriously, don't fall into the trap of "I need to make this rhyme, so I'll just say anything." A lot of poets fall into that trap, but trust me. If you can't rhyme a poem, there's other ways to go about writing one. Free verse, for example, has no rhyme scheme. Blank verse doesn't either, but you need to have iambic pentameter. Haiku. Just don't try to rhyme and say odd lines because you can't think of anything else that rhymes with "bed."

It's not the worst poetry I've seen, really, but I get the feeling that if you sit down and worked a bit more, these could be better.

CHG-Swampert October 17th, 2008 6:50 PM

Heh, i haven't seem many Pokémon Poems anywhere. I like it. Good work mate ^.^

Fearless Love October 17th, 2008 6:59 PM

Thank you
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by CHG-Swampert (Post 4043205)
Heh, i haven't seem many Pokémon Poems anywhere. I like it. Good work mate ^.^

Thanks, I work hard, and Xanthine thank you for pointing that out, i guess i did need to look over my poems a bit more. i will try much harder with the others.

chanchimi October 17th, 2008 7:06 PM

Oh wow! Those were very good (I said this before but have to again!) They're all quite different from eachother as well....You gotta keep these up!

Fearless Love November 15th, 2008 2:13 AM

Another Poem
 
Okay well here we go number 5!!

When You Think You Found It

What do we all wish to find,
Hope, Faith, Love?
Do we have anything to hide
From our Peirs?

What if you think you found the answers?
Yet the rest becomes a blank blur.

When you think you've found it,
Do you reach for it?
If you were givin a choice on weather to back down
Would you still stand tall?

How many times have you had to fall
To protect them all?
The people you love,
The hearts at stake.

What if you found out the truth?
But it cost you the world?

I know. it's not the best poem, and it doesnt rhym too much. I will accept all coments good or bad. Well once you've read it, please comment!!

JX Valentine November 15th, 2008 10:53 AM

Are you writing these poems in the reply box? If you are, please don't. Even if they're short, you really should be writing in a word processor, like Open Office or Microsoft Word. That way, you can tweak them in more than just one sitting, and you can proofread along the way with spell check.

In fact, the latter is one of the problems you seem to have here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazy Girl (Post 4122670)
What do we all wish to find,
Hope, Faith, Love?
Do we have anything to hide
From our peers?

What if you think you found the answers,
Yet the rest becomes a blank blur? (This is all one sentence, so you'll want to move the question mark down.)

When you think you've found it,
Do you reach for it?
If you were given a choice on whether or not to back down (Weather = conditions outside. Whether = choice. Also, "whether" is usually followed by a set of two options.)
Would you still stand tall?

How many times have you had to fall
To protect them all:
The people you love,
The hearts at stake?

What if you found out the truth,
But it cost you the world? (Again, one sentence. If you wrote this out in prose, you wouldn't put a question mark smack in the middle of these two lines.)

In terms of whether or not it makes sense...

First and foremost, no, not every poem has to rhyme. In fact, go look up blank verse and free verse. Blank verse is a form of poetry where there's no rhyme scheme, but everything is in iambic pentameter (lines in which there's five sets -- or feet -- with one stressed and one unstressed syllable each). Free verse has no rhyme scheme or organized meter (just a certain rhythm that flows from one line to the next). If you can't get your lines to rhyme, then don't force yourself and consider using those forms or any of a variety of other forms that don't rhyme. It'll show if you try to force yourself, particularly because forced rhyme tends to come off as something that doesn't make sense. (In fact, this is one of the things I told you about in my last review.)

That said, I really couldn't feel like I was being pulled into this poem. You don't really play with imagery too much, and part of the point of poetry is to play with words and imagery in order to make the reader feel an emotion. Use metaphor if you have to. Try to touch on the senses. Use alliteration and word play to make one line flow into the other with a set rhythm.

Also, read your poetry over to make sure it makes sense to other people. Right now, certain lines don't make sense to me, like these:

If you were given a choice on whether or not to back down
Would you still stand tall?


Back down from what? It feels like you're trying to describe what love feels like, but it's mostly an incomplete thought to me because it's not clear why you would be given that kind of a choice or what about it would make you stand tall.

Overall, yeah, I'm going to have to say I feel like this poem was rushed and a bit forced. You've got to be more careful with how you word things and what you do with words to get not only your idea across but also the musical feel a poem should have.

Fearless Love November 16th, 2008 9:34 PM

number six
 
Okay, i just wrote this in my room, it's my sixth poem.

A Dying Espeon

Why did someone do this,
Leave her out in the rain,
Throw a part that she's gone,
Say it's better that way?

Better for her and for us.
What us are they refurring too,
Them and their puppy dog clones,
The children on the street who have ragged clothes?

I just don't get it,
The terrible thing they say,
That dying is fine
As long as it's for them?

What about us ,
What about the people who love her,
Do we count at all?
She didn't even know those people.

If their world suddenly came crashing down,
Would they be happy?
I think not.
I just wish they knew who they were destroying.


as I do apreciate honesty, I must ask that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. well review anyway please

JX Valentine November 16th, 2008 10:23 PM

Before I begin...

Quote:

as I do apreciate honesty, I must ask that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. well review anyway please
So, basically, you want me to only feed you mindless praise, but you also appreciate my honesty? =/ I don't know what you want here.

Bolded corrections/comments, as usual, plus my general commentary.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazy Girl (Post 4127997)
Why did someone do this,
Leave her out in the rain,
Throw a part that she's gone, (I'd like for you to reread this line. Throw a part that she's gone? I'm not quite sure what you're saying here. Throw away a part of her? Throw her away now that she's gone?)
Say it's better that way?

Better for her and for us.
What "us" are they referring to? (First off, yeah, spell check's a good idea. Also, to = preposition that means that something is being done to something else. Too = very. Lastly, I thought it would sound better if you separated this stanza into two sentences. Forces the reader to pause for a bit longer.)
Them and their puppy-dog clones,
The children on the street who have ragged clothes? (I'm not sure what you mean here, either. Where are these images coming from?)

I just don't get it.
The terrible things they say,
That dying is fine
As long as it's for them? (For them? Do you mean that the Espeon was murdered? Used? How?)

What about us?
What about the people who love her?
Do we count at all?
She didn't even know those people.

If their world suddenly came crashing down,
Would they be happy?
I think not.
I just wish they knew who they were destroying.

As usual, I felt that this poem nearly came to a point, but you stopped just before you reached it. While it's possible for a poem to be ambiguous, remember that even if it's ambiguous, the poet still leaves enough hints (metaphors and images) to let the reader know what it is they're talking about. Here, I don't know who "they" are, and there are some lines (which I've pointed out above) that don't explain the situation very well. So, the poem ends up being vaguely about death, but we're not sure what kind of death, who "they" are, and why they're such a big deal to the characters.

For that reason, I really think it's incomplete. If you had filled it out a bit more, it could have a sense of depth by having Espeon's death be significantly more profound (as in, if we can imagine what happened, we can emotionally connect to the Espeon a bit more -- or if you simply relied on the images of a dead Espeon to get across your point that death is painful).

I don't mean to offend you, of course, but yeah, you really need to sit down and think your poems through a bit more so the meaning of your poetry can be delivered successfully.

An-chan November 17th, 2008 4:47 PM

I'm not an expert on English poems, so I leave the ranting part to Xanthine. She knows what she's talking about and she's here to help you. She also is a lot better in this than I am, so I'm just going to say I agree with her and jump over the whole grammar thingy.

I have a question for you.
Is this really one story?

The title says this is a "story told by poems", so you hooked me and I read all your stuff. I just fail to see how this is supposed to be one single story. Is the narrator always the same or something? Or will the cosistency be later revealed by some poem that is more descriptive and tells us what is going on here?
Or are these just separate poems?

I think you have the point and with a bit of practice, you can become a serious poet. What I'm ranting here about is staying in the title. If you tell us this is a story, then it has to be a story. Your poems do have feelings to them and they can give out that feeling, that atmosphere, to the reader.

There are two things you have to pay attention to:
1) grammar and rhytm
2) consistency

You're doing fine. Keep at it. Just tell me if this is a real story or not.

Ninja Caterpie November 18th, 2008 12:15 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lazy Girl (Post 4127997)
as I do apreciate honesty, I must ask that if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all. well review anyway please

That doesn't work. That means that we can only say good stuff. And good stuff doesn't help you get better.

It's not bad, although the grammar is a little dodgy, and it doesn't feel like a linked story to me. It does reach something now and then, but...well...it loses it too fast. Alright, I admit it, I'm just rambling on about jargon I don't understand really well. xD

8th Wonder™ November 22nd, 2008 12:17 PM

"We settle down as we begin to think,
What you remind us of,
You make the whole world bright,
Sunrise equals love!"
Beatiful part, 'nuff said.


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