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Alien Monster Description
Alien Monster All of a sudden, a mist appeared with a darkish black like figure with arms and legs which had spikes coming out of its arms. The tall Gigantic creature had wings as hard as steel and were as shiny as silver. It had huge muscles it was as if the creature was a body builder. The Creature came closer and closer, the ground started shaking. Its wings started flapping in a mad rage which blew down houses; it caused complete destruction of the city. The Creature started screaming as if it was in pain. The Abnormal, Inhuman Creature swayed side to side like a tree on a windy day, it stomped its feet like a heard of rampaging elephants. The Creature went on a rampage around the city destroying everything in its sight. I ran for my life... The whole of London evacuated to escape the Horrible Wrath of the Creature! The End - Jas_66 - Please Rate and Comment out of 10! http://www.pokecommunity.com/images/icons/icon7.gif |
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Second, you'll really want to avoid repeating yourself because it causes the rest of the sentence to feel awkward, rather than actually emphasizing your ideas. In this case, "tall" and "gigantic" actually mean pretty much the same thing. The thing is big. Telling us that twice feels like you're pounding it into our heads, really. Lastly, you may want to turn this into a compound sentence. Because the subject is "the tall, gigantic creature," saying "were as shiny as silver" implies that you're saying not only that there's more than one creature but also that they're all shiny as silver. In other words, this is what you're actually saying there: "The tall, gigantic creature were as shiny as silver." Alternatively, you could remove the "were" so you're not adding in another verb an implying that what's after it refers to the subject. Quote:
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Also, you never mention to what it's getting closer, but I'll talk about plot later. Quote:
Also, they're what I call "soft" adjectives. As in, they don't really paint an image of what the creature is like. Rather, they simply tell the audience that the creature is inhuman and leave it at that. You'll want to avoid adjectives like that because you want the audience to get as clear an image of what you're talking about as possible, and they can only do that if they can see (i.e., imagine) the monster doing something that would make it abnormal. In other words, instead of simply telling us it's abnormal, show us more of the monster. Show reptilian claws and a face that isn't human. Show each building it knocks down and the people fleeing in terror. Show us habits that couldn't possibly make it human, like it drooling on a building or something. Just give us something solid that touches on the five senses instead of just telling us it's not human. Quote:
You pretty much get the idea. Basically, I get the feeling you wrote this in the reply box, which is something you really want to avoid doing. Remember to take your time and proofread, and if you're not sure, Writer's Lounge in Pokémon Fanfiction & Poetry has a thread called the Beta Thread. Get in touch with someone there who can help you go over your work. In terms of description, it's a start, but it's really lacking. You rely on repeating yourself, which softens what you're saying. Additionally, you rely on showing instead of telling, so instead of really getting an image of how the monster is abnormal, you tell us. Both tend to really screw up description because they're not giving us an image of what this monster is really like. (Even being redundant tends to soften the description, causing us to feel as if the monster is a bit more cartoonish than it should be.) Focus not only on imagery (description that covers the way something smells, looks, sounds, tastes, and/or feels) but also describing what this creature does. You tell us it's knocking over buildings. Show it slamming its side into a building toppling it. Let us listen to steel scream as it bends, glass shatter, and the people screaming. Stuff like that can put images in our heads, so we feel as if we're right there in the middle of the action. Lastly, while it's a sketch, there's not much here. It'd be more interesting if there was more of a story. You don't even tell us where this is happening until the last line, so we're pretty much left in the dark as the monster randomly rampages around a city that randomly and conveniently appears for it. In other words, as I've said, it's a start, but you'll want to take your time next time around. Good luck with future writing. (And I'm afraid I don't rate out of ten, so.) |
ok thats too much critism normally im open to it but now i just feel like giving up writing!
its supposed to be an descriptive piece! I had to make it like this it was the task at hand... i thought it would be cool posting my work that i get praised for at school, on PC. but looks like thats not happening here. |
Well, I would do a full review, but Valentine covered all of the main points so I'll just give an overview. Overall, it's kinda lacking an actual story, though seeing as this is a description, I suppose that's fair enough. Your description is a little shaky, to be honest, as is your grammar. While you've described some things in detail (such as its wings) you've missed some key points. Is this creature humanoid, or does it look more like some kind of arachnid? How many arms and legs does it have? Where has it come from? Why is it destroying London? Even in a purely descriptive piece, you need some kind of backstory, or it seems like an extract, rather than a full piece of writing.
And one final note - remember that criticism is the only way you will improve, so you want to encourage as much as possible ;) |
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Seriously, though, yeah, the internet is a vast place full of people with varying experiences. In school, you might get praise from your friends and a few nods from soft teachers, but here, people who have been writing for awhile (*raises hand* For example, longer than I care to admit.) will be around to give you tips from a more experienced standpoint. The sad truth is that you can't prevent those people from giving their own opinions unless you're the mod or staff member because of the law of "freedom of speech within reason." As in, unless it explicitly breaks one of the rules of the forums, we can pretty much tell you exactly what we think. To post your work in a public place means you agree to those terms and want to leave yourself open to all kinds of comments, good or bad. Long story short, yes, it's criticism, but when you're posting on the internet, it's one of those things you'll have to come to expect, particularly if you don't wish to improve. It's nice that you were praised elsewhere, but to be blunt, we're not your real-life friends or the kinds of teachers you have in your school. We won't just give you mindless praise all the time, and we won't always just stop at after a few points when there's a lot of areas where you could improve. That being said, to be frank, I stand by my points. It's meant to be descriptive, yes, but the description is either vague or redundant. (You call the thing inhuman, but what is inhuman? Likewise, you say it's gigantic and tall, but that's really saying the same thing over and over again.) You don't pull us in and help us envision what's going on or what the monster is like. Your work needs another read-through and careful proofreading, and it'd be better if you detailed what it's doing a bit more (possibly in a story) to make it a little more shocking that it's doing these things and so we can stop and say, "Wow. That is inhuman." To put it in even shorter terms, I'm not discouraging you from writing. I'm just saying you need to work a bit harder and improve if you want to get the praise you'd like. Anyone can be a great writer, sure, but it takes effort and care to get good. |
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