| Ho-Oh |
July 17th, 2009 9:59 PM |
Although in a thread I stated that I have no regrets in my life, I do. Most of these are on PC. I'll go in chronological order. I advise people involved in recent dramas with me to read this please as well as past friends I may have made or loss.
I regret joining PC in the way I did. I believe that those first few threads were crucial in helping me gain such a bad reputation (figuratively.) I regret having made multiple threads asking the same question, failing to read rules and more. Those first few mistakes basically predicted my future at PC. Soon after, I decided that I liked PC and wanted to be forgiven, so I made a pointless thread in another section, asking for forgiveness or something, this is something I regret. The reason is because I could have easily moved on rather than do that. Another thing I regret in early PC days is the ‘poke picture shop’, or something like that. It was a stupid decision. I wanted to be like everyone else, but what I didn’t realise is that I had no talent and what I created in that shop could have been probably done better by a three year old. This is one of the things that haunted me throughout my PC life; I wanted to be like everyone else, completely forgetting who I am. I regret having done that. Another thing that stands out in my early PC life is the post count obsession. When I realised that moderators generally had higher post counts than me, I just… posted lots. I regret having done that as people then on looked down upon me. Even now I still hold true to that posting obsession, but instead it’s only when I’m near an important number, however that is no excuse for my behaviour concerning post count then. I regret how I acted in 2006, I was a try-hard, I wanted to be like everyone else and wanted a name for myself, and yes, I sure did get a name for myself, just not in a positive light. Another flaw of mine in 2006/2005 was that I generally wasn’t a nice person. Yes, I appeared nice, but really, I had no thoughts/care for other people and their lives away from PC. This could be the fault of not being mature enough, but I really do regret feeling like that. This attitude only really changed in late 2008/early 2009. My early PC life wasn’t exactly bad, but problems I developed then would reoccur throughout the rest of my PC life.
I regret having acted how I did in 2007 a lot. Within the first month, I was completely post count obsessed, but this time, I moved to the DCC. I spammed in it all the time and for a monthly DCC, having three hundred posts or something wasn’t exactly something to be proud of. The real issue was more that the quality was poor, rather than how much I posted. Sure, if I posted lots with good-quality posts, that would be much better, but no, the posts were mostly random. In 2006, I suppose… there was a different mindset at PC, so it may have been easier to get away with, in 2007, PC appeared to change from what I was used to. Even though those types of posts weren’t acceptable around that time, in the past they weren’t either, just PC appeared to be more relaxed. I regret making every single one of these posts. This was the real beginning to what lead to how people think of me at PC now. I began to realise this when Matt (Drummershuff), got modded. A few days ago, if I remember correctly, there was a discussion in the DCC about my posts and how I’m obsessed with post count. On that day, I made a new account. Not only because I felt ashamed that Matt was a moderator, after having joined around the same time as I, but because I wanted to prove that post count wasn’t my life anymore. I tried to hide my identity, but eventually, I let it slip. Under my new account, my posts weren’t any better than on my old one, but I had a smaller post count. Soon after, Fuz said a really harsh comment to me. Really, that comment was just. The posts I made were based on stereotypes and… I don’t know, the way I came off in my posts made me appear stupid, but I regret that I didn’t learn from that comment. At that point, my stubborn attitude kicked in, which has remained until even now really. I kept going the way I was. In May, Tali ‘left forever’, which was something that just… shattered my life, the only thing I could do to honour her was to keep going the way I was, which was completely pointless, and I regret that. The night before Marz was modded, I had some just really… bad thoughts, and I really meant it, of Chi (no, not the cat), dying, which proves that in a way I have become a better person since then, but only in the nice sense and not in how I appear. That’s one of the main things I really regret, and I don’t care what anyone says, to me, that’s karma… which is why ever since then, I’ve never thought about wanting someone to literally die. (Note: I will not make reference to any particular comment at this point.) I just was a stupid person and I regret having acted like that. Then, soon after, I was jealous, so with Kenji, we created a ‘Cookie Party’, something that the people involved know of. I regret having done that. It was heartless, but looking back on it, it’s funny that… I really meant everything I did up until this point. Another thing I regret is having an obsession with TPOT, one person that appeared maybe three times shouldn’t dictate how the rest of my life should be. At about November, Digital Mage got modded in Other Trivia. Due to my new obsession with Other Trivia at that time, I just got really annoyed. I just posted a lot in Other Trivia and repeated how I acted in the past, except this time the posts didn’t count. I regret how I acted then, because I remember Went saying something like ‘Nica so badly wants Mage’s place’, or something similar to that, I don’t really remember. In December, when Tali returned I thought there was hope in the world… and due to that, I stayed how I was, completely unaware to how my actions would be my downfall.
January 2008… it was supposed to be the end, but it wasn’t. After everything that had happened up until that point and a strange joke which I still hate, people mentioned some things in PC’s chat whilst I was there. That was the last straw for me. I left PC for a little over a month, hoping to never return to a place that appeared to have ruined my life. In reality, that was not true, all the actions were my fault and I just didn’t have the brains at that time to realise what I was becoming. When I returned to PC, it wasn’t due to TCTI, but it was the relief that Marz was gone from PC. My time at PC began to take a positive turn, as we headed past April, June, July and more, as I began to get friends that actually made me happy. July 2008 was one of the best months I’ve ever had online, I don’t regret how I acted… up until I dared Zet to create a thread, I had no thought about what could actually happen to Zet because of that thread. I regret that, as eventually, in August, due to a post I made, that thread was taken into consideration, I got an infraction. Although… after that occurred, I didn’t feel upset, I felt a sense of achievement that normal people got infractions. That was one of the stupidest things I’ve ever thought. In October, my post count stupidity reoccurred, I took it lightly, and I thought it was hilarious when Chibi said that post count would be disabled in the DCC. But really, what I didn’t realise was that I was stupid enough to continue along the same road I did. Then in December, I hit a point… some things were said… I don’t exactly remember what happened that day, but I know it led to making a blog entry.
January 2009 was really, the second best month at PC. I was with really great people, a smaller group… but yet there was drama. This was reputation drama, positive repping people because they were my friends, it was stupid, and I regret being one of the people involved in that, although I didn’t get dealt any harsh consequences. The beginning of 2009 was when life at PC began to turn out positively, although there were many negatives. Two of them being Macy and Larry’s inactivity, those were just two of the things that lead to… certain thoughts and reactions in months they were gone. In April, drama reoccurred, as Emily and Klippy brought up points about me wanting attention, I don’t exactly want to remember. I still don’t know if the thoughts were fully gone from then leading up to the most recent drama. Now… everything that has happened in June and July 2009, I definitely regret. I’ve lost friends, shut people out, because of insecurities I had. I thought we got over that, but then drama re-emerged out of nowhere, after Emily made a few comments. I… well, I’ve cried probably the most I ever have throughout these two months. The thing is though, I regret having acted how I did. I don’t expect anyone to forgive me for how I’ve acted.
I’m really just amazed that… I still have a few friends that actually do care about me, after how I’ve acted over all my time at PC. I regret nearly everything, yet… I’m not really sure why, but every issue I’ve had was due to my attitude. I wanted to be superior, I wanted to be liked. I didn’t like how our group was changing. I didn’t want other people to get attention. I didn’t want… the best months of my PC life to disappear, which they have and I believe… probably won’t be restored for a long time. I’ve had other issues too, which has lead to why I believe people hate me, which only now, I realise that’s due to everything I’ve done and regret. Numbers played another part in my life, blog count! Yeah, it was okay when it was the blog entries war with Jake but when I surpassed him then… I just… kept making entries. All of them were pointless. The dare that I got at the beginning of the month not to blog until the last day of the month was the best dare I’ve ever received. I plan to stick to that as I want to show that yes, although I’ve made many mistakes… I have self control. I also regret the way I’ve been obsessed with numbers in the way I’ve had… so many pairs and so many user accounts. Alternative accounts really should only be two or three, not… 10 or something. The same goes for pairs. And… I regret the way I’ve acted to people, even the way I’ve unpaired some people. I know now that… the way that people have acted towards me has been the result of my own actions, which is something that I plan to work on. I finally am starting to see the other side and see how my actions can affect other people. I… don’t want Malyka crying every day because I keep dwelling on the past, I don’t want to hurt people. As I thought lately, I regret how I’ve acted because I’ve hurt people I never planned to hurt (or at least to me, made them think differently of me.) I really do appreciate the friends I have made, and although this is nowhere near a full on apology, I regret what I have done. However, for a little while, I’d still like to use my other account and only appear offline on the old one, since… I don’t know, but I’d like to build upon that. So… yes, that should cover most of my regrets, although not every single thing is covered… I feel bad upon how I may have judged people in certain situations based upon other people, I feel bad for everything I’ve done. I just regret my actions more lately… because I feel as if I’ve lost a whole lot of friends who were worth it and I didn’t want to lose. I also regret spending so much pointless time on PC, only causing dramas when I could be improving my results in school. I… would love to start all over again, I know that’s not possible but if I can make a few changes and make myself a better person from my mistakes, then I’ll certainly feel better about myself and my future actions.
tl;dr? I regret everything except for the friends I've made and ilu all for putting up with me. <3
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