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Region K- Chapter 1 A New Begining
Third person prospective
As are journey beigns, young 10 year old boy is waking up from the noise of his alarm clock at 7 A.M. The boys name was Tim Mason. He has been looking forward to this dat for years. It was finally the day were he got to get his first pokemon. He had to go to Proffesor Tyra and choose one of three pokemon. He got to pick first since him and his best friend John are the only ones picking pokemon they had a contest to see ho got to pick first. As Tim was finishing up breakfast Tims mother, Joeanna was dazzling him with questions. "Who are you goning to choose tim? Charmander, Totodile, or Turtwig?" Joeanna asked as he took down his bowl of cereal" "I don't know yet." Tim responded back. Well after countless questions from Tim's mother, Tim finnaly got out to go over to the Proffesor Tyra's lab. "Ok so Tim your up who are u choosing." She asked. "Ok here goes, I choose Charmander." Tim yelled in excitment. "Him ok then i choose Totodile." Said John "How bout we battle allitle" John said To be countinued..... The rest of the story will be told from Tims point of veiw |
I don't mean to sound harsh or anything but this story sounds very generic.
As for your English and grammar... it needs some working on. |
Review
I'll be more direct about it.
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Third-person perspective. Quote:
"Are" is spelt wrong. This should say "our", whose pronunciation is also different. "Beigns"... I guess you typed fast. "Begins" You omitted an "a". "10 year old boy" should read "ten-year-old boy". If it's under one hundred, use writing; if a number is over 100, use numerals. Also, "ten-year-old" is a combined adjective and needs hyphens. I also don't recommend saying "7 A.M."; it's unprofessional. Instead, say "seven in the morning". Quote:
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"dat" = "date". Quote:
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I added the forgotten commas in red. You abuse "Pokemon" a lot. You should really try to make phrases more creatively; it just sounds redundant. "ho" = "who", I'm guessing. That entire last sentence makes it seem like they're CURRENTLY doing the contest, but then the next line is: Quote:
I put in the comma + apostrophe + comma that you missed again. Also, "dazzling him with questions"? I think you need to review the definition of dazzling again. [quote="cystar"]"Who are you goning to choose, tim? Charmander, Totodile, or Turtwig?" Joeanna asked as he took down his bowl of cereal"[/quote "goning" = "going". I added the comma you missed. "Tim" needs a capital letter; it's a pronoun. "took down his bowl of cereal"? That's an awkward phrase; try to reword it. What's that quotation mark doing at the end? o0 That's not dialogue. Quote:
"responded back"? "responded" already means you talked back! No need for the "back". That entire red sentence is rushed. He just forked down his cereal, and bam! He's in the lab? No description of how he gets there, how fast, what outside looks like, what the lab resembles - nothing? "finnaly" = "finally" No need for "the" in front of "Professor". "Proffesor" = "Professor" Quote:
"your" needs to be the contraction "you're"; here you're showing possession, and not "you are". "u"? Internet lingo in a fanfiction? :s That period at the end of the dialogue needs to be a question mark. Quote:
"Ok" needs to be written "OK". You missed that first comma after "Ok" (which should be written "okay", since "OK" is unprofessional). That second comma needs to be an exclamation mark. The period after Charmander should be a comma. "excitment" = "excitement" Quote:
"ok" when not written "Okay" always needs to be capitalized. You missed a comma after "ok". "I" is a pronound and needs to be capitalized. Again, that period needs to be a comma (at the end of the dialogue, after Totodile). You entirely missed that period after "John". Quote:
"allitle"? You mean "a little". You missed that question mark; I marked it in red. Again, totally missed the period after that apathetic "said". Overview No details, no character development, and terrible grammar. It looks as if a four-year-old wrote this; I don't mean to be rude, but it's true. Even a five-year-old knows to put periods at the end of sentences. If you're twelve or thirteen, you should look at some of my work from when I was eleven (in the Beta Testers thread) and you'll see that age is no excuse for bad grammar. You really, really, really need to work on your grammar and character development. Really. I just put more effort correcting your fanfiction than you put into making it. It's totally unoriginal, too, so that doesn't help. In fact, it doesn't even meet the 1000 words requirement. :s All in all, you have a lot - and I mean, a lot - of work to do. Don't give up, though. |
This . . . is quite frankly shocking. The one thing that totally kills this story for me, and negates any chance of me reading it, is the letter 'u'. I say 'letter' because to call it a 'word' would be a deadly insult to Holy Mother Grammatica. I chose this quote because it embodies all the mistakes you've made in one neat little package.
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Secondly, there are no commas or other punctuation in that line of dialogue. I would have written it like this, personally: "OK. So, Tim, you're up. Who are you choosing?" QUESTION MARKS ARE VERY IMPORTANT - especially when questions are involved. Thirdly, lern 2 homophone. Your means 'belonging to you'. You're means 'you are', which is what you're trying to say here. They may sound the same, but they mean totally different things. Fourthly, the word 'she' does not need to be capitalised. Speech tags only need to be capitalised if you have a full stop at the end of the quote, and even then you need to be careful how you phrase your tags. Por ejemplo: Quote:
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I would love so dearly to pull your fic to pieces, hon, but I'd just be repeating myself. On the whole, this is sadly unreadable. It's not really long enough to be considered a chapter in its current state, either. Shorter chapters than this can and have been done well, but it takes a lot of skill. Please fix up your grammar, press Enter twice after each paragraph, and try once again. |
Yusshin's post pretty much showed that you didn't run this through a spell-checker, which is the simplest thing you can do to keep your thread open. And Mishead's shows that you used chatspeak in your fic.
Thread closed for not meeting the standards of F&W. If you would like to try again, follow the advice given to you by your reviewers, take your time writing, and use at least a spell-checker. |
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