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Pokemon VS Darkness Chapter 1: Zorua
Heya everyone,
Since this is Fan Fiction, i am going to say 1 of my stories i've been making, i am not sure if its very good :/ I personally give it a 3/10 or something like that but: Chapter 1: Zorua(PG-Suitable for everyone, but contains one use of mild language) Chapter 1 One great day, it was raining outside(a bad day would be sunny), Umbreon, part of the Eve(spelt like that for a reason) Family, sneaked out of home to go to Stormy Castle. His mum, Espo, told him: "Never go to Stormy Castle, there is rumoured to be a legend there that can be dangerous if it isreal". Umbreon wanted to find out for himself and headed up Stormy Road... Stormy Road is a terrible path, flames(somehow), broken rocks, but Umbo was an adventurous pokemon and just continued no matter what, even getting struck by lightening."CRAP, now this is what you call a huge jump!" shouted Umbreon. Umbreon ran back a few steps and ran at 55 mph and leaped over to the other side. After he got through Stormy Road he saw a shadow...shaped like a pokemon he never saw before. The shadow came closer...and closer...and closer. Then the shadow revealed itself and said, "My name is Zorua, not many people know about me since no one comes up th--". There were little footsteps coming up the road, A Notch Eared Pichu, called Spichu, came up to them and exclaimed, " Umbo there you are! Your mothers been worried sick about you! Hey who's that?" "I am Zorua," replied Zorua. "You better come with us, Zorua before Stormy castle disappears, the storms almost over!". After half an hour of traveling, Spichu, Umbo and Zorua went home... "(I don't think this is a good idea, this pokemon don't look right, he looks... cruel...)" Sais Umbo in his mind... End Of Chapter 1 Depending on how many of you like this, I will make Chapter 2. Who cares I will make chapter 2 anyway! :) Thanks to Astinus, who helped me with improvements. |
And a review. I hope this helps you out a bit.
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One good thing you can say is probably that you're using British English. Some rules are different between British and American, so when I did this review I had to remember what little British English rules I know to tell myself that you're actually correct. Quote:
With your first words of your fic, you want to entice the reader to continue. Using words that are kind of a joke (Charles Schultz's Peanuts strip used that line as the basis of a long-running joke) and seen before isn't that good. Quote:
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Take the time to paint some picture of where your story takes place. You don't want to jump from one scene to another without taking the time to catch your reader up to where your character is. Otherwise, the reader gets confused. Quote:
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And this is its own sentence, so that comma becomes a full stop. Quote:
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First off, separate the dialogue into its own paragraph. I don't know who said what. So... Quote:
You need commas after "us" and "Zorua", since that's a direct address. Last: So Zorua is probably the dangerous legendary Pokemon that Umbreon's mum warned him against. (Even if he's not really that legendary Pokemon, Umbreon thinks he would be, since all Zorua said is his name.) Why would Umbreon and Spichu allow him to follow them home? They don't know if Zorua is good or bad. All Umbreon knows is that there's a legendary Pokemon at Stormy Castle, and Zorua was at Stormy Castle. You could show Umbreon's thoughts about this situation. Through this entire chapter, he really never showed emotion (except for surprise at the jump). Because of this lack of emotion, Umbreon doesn't feel real. Show how he feels when Zorua walks towards him. Show how he decides to allow Zorua to come back to his home. You're young, so I'm not going to be harsh on you. I will say that you should get a beta reader (we have a service right here to find one) to help you with cleaning up grammar and with description. Because you do have the start of something here. Good luck, and you can ask me at any time if you need anything. |
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Pokemon VS Darkness Chapter 2: Zorua's Story
What Happened Last Time: An Umbreon named Umbo goes up to Stormy Castle where he meets a pokemon named Zorua, Umbo's Little Brother, Spichu, says that Zorua can come home with them, but Umbo don't seem to impressed...
Rated-PG Contains several uses of Mild Language. Chapter 2: Disaster Attack After Espo opened a can of peanut brittle, not paying any attention at all to Spichu, Umbo or Zorua. "Umbo, how dare you disobey me! I told you not to go up that road under ANY circumstances!" nags Espo."Mum, I know but... there was a sick pokemon up there." mutters Umbo "I thought we found a weird looking pokemon." exclaims Spichu. -Umbo does facepalm- "A weird looking pokemon you s--" says Espo not being able to finish her sentence. " Aye, aye ,aye! What the hell is that!?" "I am Zorua," replies Zorua politely. "Well you all better go to bed then, Zorua you can have the third bed," says Espo quietly. The Next Morning "Absoool, Absoool, Absoool. I bring bad news everyone, some mysterious pokemon is causing natural disasters all around the pokemon world... that pokemon is among us right now, the pokemon is: Zorua!"(It's obvious who was speaking there) "What! I thought my dad Zoroark was causing these..." replies Zorua. Many years ago when I was a baby my dad, Zoroark, locked me up in Stormy Castle, and if I were released within a 100 years, disasters would happen. It has only been 7 years, so for 93 years there will be disasters unless we defeat my dad and destroy the dark gem... "Retard, Zorua... There is much more, first you must defeat your dad, destroy the gem and meet a mysterious pokemon called: Anthonia(My imaginary pokemon) then give the pieces to her... I will tell you something though, you must unite with Umbo and Spichu or else this quest will be impossible..." explained Mightyena. Umbo and Spichu were puzzled... "Why us?" asked Spichu and Umbo surprised. Find Out What Happens And Why In Chapter 3 I think this ones grammar is a lot better than Chapter 1 |
Please post your chapters as responses in the same thread. You don't need a new thread for every chapter.
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