![]() |
An Unlikely Heroine (PG-13)
Personae huius fabulae
PKMN TRAINER MARY LEAF (the unlikely heroine) PKMN TRAINER RED ASH (irritatingly juvenile) PKMN TRAINER GARY OAK (the irrepressible hotshot) PROFESSOR SAMUEL OAK (the Pokémon expert) Author’s Note: Brief summary: We’re all told that Red is the greatest trainer of all time. Well, Leaf was created in his exact image—they even have the same hair, inexplicably. So if Leaf’s his alternate universe doppelganger, then she’s the greatest trainer as well. This is her story—Red’s still around, but he’s just a sidekick. Yes, this is a journey fic. It purports to be a novelization of FR/LG, and so the plot may not seem very original. It probably won’t be—that’s not the goal. The objective is to make Pokémon seem realistic in every level while still staying close to the essence of the franchise: thus battling and interaction will seem different, and characterization and personality will receive the utmost attention (characters have very limited personalities and growth arcs in the games). Originality is overrated—and I mean that, if it refers to banal plot elements. A plot is a sequence of events: when you add characters and personalities, it becomes a story. Using the same chain of events as a video game is not unoriginal or plagiaristic, rather it’s the simple nature of adaptation which exists throughout the history of literature, and was even praised in antiquity (some of those most famous works, such as Oedipus Rex or even the Homeric epics are retellings of earlier stories). What matters is not what happens, but how it’s crafted. Don’t be a philistine—if your only interest is a chain of events, go watch some pedestrian TV drama. But if you want to give it a read, I’ll do my best to make sure you’re entertained. Names: I’m using the anime name for the rival, because it works well enough. The heroine’s last name is Leaf, so as to correspond with Oak, and her first name is Mary because it rhymes with Gary, and it follows the flower theme in Daisy Oak’s name (Marigold is a type of flower). The names Red and Ash are taken from the game and anime respectively, and the red ash is a type of tree. Capitalization: attacks and Pokémon names are in all-caps in the games. I am going to follow standard English usage with animals and nouns and keep them in the lowercase unless the situation demands otherwise. Pronouns and Pokémon: Verbally, trainers will acknowledge a Pokémon’s gender if they are inclined to do so. I have decided to use the genderless ‘it’ to refer to Pokémon in prose, so as to avoid pronoun confusion with actual humans. Ages: The Red/Blue manual apparently states that Red was 11 when he started his journey, and the anime says that trainers can get their licenses at 10. That may be so, but it seems far too young an age to journey the entire world. Additionally, the official artwork and sprites of Leaf and the other main characters make them seem closer to being aged 13-15. I have thus decided to age them up for the sake of realism appropriate to the situations they’ll be in, but to keep them young enough that others still amaze at their progress at such a young age. Sexual content: The main character is 14 years old. Despite whatever kids may be up to these days, for the purposes of this story, that’s too young to be involved in any sexual relationships—period. That said, people that age are precocious when it comes to that sort of thing and may tease and annoy each other at times, and older people say lurid and rude things. Such things may end up happening, as they would in real life, but decent characters will and should take a dim view of such things. Consider the story rated PG-13. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- PROLOGUE Pallet Town Leaf came to and was immediately confronted with a blinding yellow light. She shrieked, and the hands that were holding her left eye open withdrew with alacrity. The next morning, Leaf was awakened by the dratini’s mild thrashing. She blearily rubbed the sleep out of her eyes and regarded the Pokémon with a sort of tired stupor. Her back was aching and she wasn’t exactly possessed of all her wits so soon after waking up, but she could have sworn the dragon was looking at her. It—no, she—was awake, that much was certain. |
Just to note, a prologue is supposed to be a short but sweet teaser to your story that entices readers to keep reading. That's a full chapter you got there.
The intro part seemed a little out of place for me; maybe condense it into a paragraph? I'm no grammar guy but I think it looks fine to me. What's Oak's problem? Amnesia? Alzheimer's? A desire to freak a kid out? In my opinion, nothing really jumps out to me about this story although that may be because only one chapter is out. |
I appreciate your comments. However, I'd like to note that the word prologue comes from the Greek προλογος, which was the part of a play that preceded the actual story (hence the compound word)--it's virtually identical in meaning to the Latin praefatio, and praefationes could and often did reach the lengths of entire acts of drama (think Seneca, or even early republican comedians like Plautus).
So as far as literary structure goes, lengthy prefatory chapters have an extensive literary pedigree. As for its purpose in my own story, I have little intention of enticing readers to do anything. I don't believe in hooks or anything of the sort--I have a story to tell, and I needed to get some things down to establish the background, setting, characters, and conflicts before delving into the tale proper. Hence the long prologue. As far as Oak--who knows? Demetia, most likely. One of the first things I felt I needed to do was mock the beginning sequence in the games where Oak asks his ridiculous questions. I doubt this will be the end of his antics, either. So again, thanks for the feedback and I hope you continue reading. I hope to post the next chapter within the week, but I deliver no promises. However, I'll answer any story-related or technical questions people have to offer, and am willing to entertain suggestions or ideas if people feel like offering them. |
Quote:
Quote:
Personally I am finding it a little odd that the prologue here is the introduction to your story and ultimately leads up to your first chapter. Actually, without reading the word Prologue there assumed it was the first chapter. Writers usually do not use prologues unless there is some thing in the backstory you hope to invest attention to, perhaps including a little dramatic irony. But I find that waking up and receiving a pokemon before going on the road feels like the start of a story, not before the beginning of one. I hope you prove me wrong with the first chapter and I can see that it was a true prologue. Till then I await more by you. |
Just going to put this up here for reading: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showpost.php?p=527262&postcount=23
That's where I learned the general length of a prologue. Sure, a prologue can be as long as you want it to be but you're putting it online for a reason: you want others to read it. You're basically turning people away by using an entire chapter instead of a short prologue with hooks. Hooks draws readers in which is a good thing unless you want your story on the second page, not responded to for a while. Just so you know, I'm no epically good writer myself and my opinion is my own but, by posting it on a forum, you basically asked for reviews and opinions so I gave mine to you. The most important thing when writing is writing what feels good to you, which you did, but, if you want more readers, you should probably think about my recommendation for a short, hooking prologue. Have fun writing and I am waiting for the next chapter. ...Just like I want opinions on my story because I want to improve my writing skills and show my creativity to the world (but then again, no one has replied about my third chapter yet so yeah...). |
Scales:
"Traditional fiction"? Whose tradition? Dating from when? "Writers usually do not use prologues"? Which writers? How typically is "usual"? You're quite welcome to your opinions, but I don't find it helpful to post tips based on vague generalizations that aren't backed up by citation (I offered examples). What works for a vast multitude may not work for an individual, as every work of art is crafted to be unique regardless of whatever handbooks one might use (else one might wonder how Sophocles ever wrote his tragedies, having been born too early to consult Aristotle). KajiVenator: Well, I hope you aren't confusing my sharp disagreement (which is a scholarly dispute) with unappreciation. You're taking your time to offer pointers, and that's nice of you. I'm just not inclined to take them. I don't feel the need to follow someone else's suggestions. I understand that a short and sweet prologue may work as a great hook, but I'm not interested in gimmicks. I don't feel the need to draw readers in by employing tricks, nor do I keenly feel their absence by doing so. Guides are helpful, but they don't fit everything. Nor are they always correct: I recall a sample passage on another site suggesting that what amounted to purple prose was preferable to short and concise description. Imagine that! That's not to say that ornate prose doesn't have its uses: there can never be such a thing as a hard and fast rule when it comes to literature, or we'd have no innovation. But all this is a terribly pompous and overblown way of saying "I like my story this way, and am writing for myself--the audience is secondary." :p And again, thank you, though. |
Quote:
While every work of Art might be unique I am only giving my feedback based off what I saw. There is no need to take offense toward it. Quote:
Anyway, I hope to see what comes next |
You bet. Like I said, I appreciate the intent behind the comments--I just don't feel they're terribly applicable. Disagreement is not offense: and just as you are free to make suggestions to something I posted on a messageboard, I am similarly free to have an opinion about it. This is not a one-way street.
As the suggestions amounted to my choice of "prologue" over "chapter one," I felt it necessary to remind people of the term's literary and linguistic roots since that's pertinent to how the word ought to be used (modish misinterpretation aside). But that should be enough of this discussion. :) |
To be honest, I've always wanted to read, and maybe even write a novelization of one of the Pokemon games, so I know I'm going to enjoy this. It'll be interesting to see what the game would've been like if the characters actually had emotions, with some unexpected twists and turns, and without the main character being a mute. Haha. So far, this read has been a treat. Can't wait to see what ya have in store for the next chapter. =)
|
Quote:
Other than that, nothing popped out at me. I really like your style of writing and how realistic you make it. Keep writing! |
CHAPTER ONE - RATS!
Route 1
|
Alright, review time! I’m going through problems first and will get to the good stuff later, so let’s get started right away! :D
First thing that bothers me is that while your protagonist is named Mary, she’s referred to Leaf in the narration, so much so that I have to double-take whenever I see her real name. Not that this is much of a problem since nicknames are common, but Leaf is Mary’s last name, so it just seems odd for her to think of herself that way. Second thing is the characters. I have to say, Mary is written very realistic, a real girl with flaws and everything, but it’s Gary that I’m worried about. He doesn’t seem to have any good character traits at all, and is very unlikeable. Sexually harassing someone definitely doesn’t win any points, and if I was Mary, I’d report him to the police since the harassment only seems to be getting worse every time he appears. I don’t have any problems with Red at the moment except that he seems average and is in the background a lot, but since this is only chapter one, I can wait for some development. The one thing that keeps getting on my nerves, though, is the Dratini. The way Mary get it is cliché, really. The protagonist comes across an injured rare Pokemon (usually Eevee), rescues it, heals it and the Pokemon now belongs to them! I have to admit, it’s beautifully written, and the Dratini losing its battle is a very nice touch, but really, why Dratini? Dratini doesn’t even live anywhere near Pallet Town and I scoff whenever I see the Pokemon being used in fics. It’s just that I think Mary’s journey would be way more interesting if her starter was a Pokemon us readers don’t see often, or ever, like Magnemite, Grimer, Koffing- all those poor underused Pokemon. Another thing with the Dratini is the way Mary got it. It’s injured and she pulls a shard out that was hurting it, but that’s not that realistic. Dratini is a wild Pokemon, so rare that it probably has never even seen a human before, and it’s hurting. When hurting, wild animals lash out, and I can see Dratini using its Thunder Wave on anything that tries to hurt it (any help will be seen this way). Mary should have gotten shocked or bitten for her efforts. The last problem I see is that the journey itself already seems boring. We all know how the story goes, how the protagonist journeys across the region gathering badges in the same old route, stopping Team Rocket, becoming the champion; everyone knows the story. Don’t be afraid to mix things up and get another plot going that’s not just related to badges or Team Rocket, or hell, maybe even change the route up, like going to Saffron from Cerulean. Even a small change like that can capture the audience’s interest as everyone seems to follow the same old formula in journey fics these days. With the bad stuff out of the way, I have to say, your writing is simply excellent, and I find myself not really minding things that I should, like Dratini or the journey. Everything seems realistic and I can really get a picture of what’s going on. The only grammar related issue that I have is that sometimes your paragraphs aren’t separated from each other all the way, but that’s easily fixable. Overall, your fic is very good so far, but it just needs a few tweaks to make it the best. Keep up the good work; I’ll be keeping an eye out. ;) |
Thank you for that thoughtful and altogether helpful review. You've given me a deal to think about, and I appreciate it. I'll offer some specific responses to answer some of your concerns, which are all quite valid.
Mary Leaf - I primarily want to refer to characters the way they're best known in fandom, officially or otherwise. Consequently, I refer to the main character as "Leaf" in the narration. She has a first name by necessity and other people will generally use it, but the narration sticks to her widely-used name. Ditto for Gary and Red, the latter of which has been selected as a first name to avoid this same inconsistency as well as to have the plant-sounding surname (Ash). It's admittedly jarring (Gary originally said "Yo, Leaf!" before I caught myself). Characters - As the face character, Leaf has received the most development. Yet oddly, she's the character I'm most concerned about getting right--I'm not a girl, so I want to ensure I'm writing one properly. Your comments are very reassuring in that regard. Gender aside, the main goal was to show just *how* the heroine becomes the great champion--and not even Napoleon, genius that he was, started out as a calm mastermind. yeeeeah, I knew coming in that it would be an uphill battle. It'd be something I'd need to defend the whole way through, and I worried if it mightn't be a millstone around my story's legs. I was considering excizing it and just giving her a Charmander (or even Yellow version's Pikachu!) but I'd already written that lovely scene and I didn't want to throw it away. So it stayed, and I hope to get around it simply by deëmphasizing its importance. Catching a super rare Pokemon is great, but it doesn't make one a great trainer--especially if it was found by an almost contrived coincidence. At best, it can be a nice IC hint that there's more to this character than meets the eye, but for storytelling purposes, she has to *earn* everything else. She'll get this little freebie because Dratini's my second favorite Pokemon, but everything else is going to be hard. She's Mary Leaf, not Mary Sue. The Journey -When I set out to write this, I knew I'd be taking a very well-trod path. I hope to overcome this by sheer virtuosity: that is, writing well enough that people don't care. And ultimately, that's why I'm choosing to reply to your feedback in such detail (that, and because it was so thought out)--I need to know if it's working. The best way to do that is through the work itself, but some explanations may help too. I can't say I've read many Pokemon fanfics at all, but my ultimate goal is to make the universe seem realistic and believable: lampshading is one thing, but fixing silly things is a deal harder. All in all, thank you for that review and I really hope that you'll keep reading. |
Great Story! It's My Favorite Telling of RGBYFRLG Saga Besides PokéSpe! Wanted Red To Have Charmander.... Though.
|
| All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:17 AM. |
![]()
© 2002 - 2018 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2016 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.
Acknowledgements
Use of PokéCommunity Assets
vB Optimise by DragonByte Technologies Ltd © 2023.