![]() |
Far Away From Home (Recommended for a mature audience)
Summary: 7 Teenagers from 7 major cities in the world have their lives changed forever when they're suddenly transported to a world we know as the Pokemon World. As it turns out, they are to defeat all the challenges that await them, they will have to work together if they want to come back home in one piece. But will they?
Author's Note: I know it sounds corny, had 20 people say that already, but hey, why not do this? Hope you have as much fun as I do as I write down this story I hope to complete in one year or less. Chapter 1: Their (hopefully not) last moments on Earth Part 1: TOMAS' ANGER NEW YORK CITY 8:35 PM Tomas Hedgeford looked down from his apartment window. Whereas other people would have said they saw bright car lights moving in and out of view, Tomas saw people who used cars to get them faster to their destination. He stuck his head back inside of his apartment. He looked around his barren room. He sighed, loathing how empty it was. He got up to make himself some dinner. Tomas, you see, was an emancipated minor. That means he is responsible for himself, no parents to look after him, no annoying kid/older brothers or sisters, just him, and his dog, Jayson. Speaking of his golden retriever, he perked his head up as Tomas turned the kitchen light on, as the golden-haired canine looked up at Tomas thoughtfully. (Don't worry boy, we'll be alright,) Tomas thought gently, as he bent down to pet his dog. As he did this, Tomas thought about the events that led up to this. He thought about how abusive his mother and father was, how they hurt him, how they demeaned him, how they even tried to kill them.....but most of all, he wondered about his family. He wondered about his brothers and sisters, some who went to his grandparents house, some who went to a childcare shelter, some who even disappeared without saying a word. He decided, he hated his mother and father. He decided he hated them so much, that he would curse their names five times a day and then promise to get them back at what they did to him and his siblings. Before he knew it, he was crying. He cursed himself because he was crying, as usual. He took back what he thought about them earlier. He can't get them back. Hell, he couldn't even put the f word and their name in the same sentence for fear they would slap him across the face like they always did. In fact, he couldn't even talk. Tomas was born mute. He couldn't even talk if he wanted to. He had to use a machine that spoke for him. He never heard his own voice. His parents found out he was mute when they realized he couldn't scream as a baby. Did they pity him? No, of course not. That meant they needed to be humane, right? No. They smacked him in the face as a baby. Yep, that's right. As a baby they even slapped him. And not once either. No, not once a day. Probably twenty if you counted correctly. Tomas looked at Jayson once more, before burying his entire face in the dog's lush fur before letting his tears flow freely. Tomas stopped crying when his dog whimpered, and slowly got up as he walked over to his small kitchen. While waiting for his rice to cook (he could've made more, he was a incredible cook, but right now good old rice would do him some good.), he watched the local news, watching in disgust as the news anchor told the story of another child raping. Thinking about rape in general was too much for him, child raping....well, you might as well call the trauma hospital. Tomas got up as he walked over to the kitchen, tasting a rice grain and decided it was good enough to eat. He gave his dog organic dog food, for if his dog was unhealthy he would never forgive himself....which he still didn't do anyway. Before he ate, he prayed. He prayed to God that his parents would receive their punishment for all the things they did in the afterlife, and that his siblings have a better life now, and after they die. Even though he considered himself a coward, even though he hated himself with all his might, he still loved his siblings as if they were his own children. And so the sixteen year old was about to begin eating, before he felt a tingling in his stomach, and before he could react, a second later he vanished off the face of the Earth. His dog whimpered, and hoped that his owner would be okay. ******** Any comments? Something I left out? Don't hesitate to tell me! |
It's not bad, but I feel like you're slathering the bad things in Tomas' life around so much that a lot of the information reads more as ... comedic/unrealistic rather than something that should make the reader feel sympathetic toward.
A lot of it has to do with your narrative. Your narrator tends to speak to your readers ("you know what happened?") which just doesn't work in this context. Quote:
Quote:
Ex) His parents found out he was mute when they realized he couldn't scream as a baby. Did they pity him? No, of course not. That meant they needed to be humane, right? Quote:
I mean, it's obvious that you planned a lot for this character (and I'm going to assume the six others after this), but be careful with how you let their information out and how much you let out. I felt like you piled way too much on the reader to the point that it just sounded silly rather than serious. Quote:
So just slow it down on the information. You have plenty of room to spread character information around (you don't have to let it all out in one go like this). Introduce it when necessary and when you have a chance to. For example ... I assume Tomas is going to meet other characters. Maybe these characters are going to talk about the past lives. One of these characters brings up their parents. Here, Tomas can reflect about what his parents did and where they are now. This way it doesn't seem all that random and doesn't pile on the reader. Long story short, it's a well developed back ground for a character, and he should be an interesting character to work with. Just remember to release information slowly. |
In this case, Tomas literally can't even grunt. Seems a bit stupid, but in this case, I think it's better that he doesn't talk/make internal noises. He knows Sign Language though. Okay, I'll edit some things.
Oh yeah, I update every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. |
I feel nitpicky, but make your ellipses three dots (...) rather than four or five. Just being nitpicky because, apart from what Breezy's already said, I don't see much of a problem.
I do agree with what Breezy said though, about the way you write. It makes it seem as if you're talking to us. Now, that's not always a problem, but generally, writing requires different...uh, what's the word, prose? to talking. It lacks the seriousness that you want to convey with this. Some of the tenses feel a bit awkward, too. Quote:
Quote:
Then, there's this: Quote:
Quote:
All in all, it's a very interesting idea for a story, you just need to fix up your prose and the way you write. It sort of detracts from the story if it's badly worded. :D And, uh, don't rush yourself by updating every few days. Quality > Quantity, but the best thing is Quantity Of Quality. Take time to write your thing and proofread it so that whatever you come up with is the utmost quality. I mean, it's great that we're here to help you by writing TL;DR posts to fix up your grammar and stuff, but the best thing would be if we didn't need to write such TL;DR posts because there's little to fix. At any rate, this looks great, I'll be keeping an eye on it. :P |
| All times are GMT -8. The time now is 3:17 AM. |
![]()
© 2002 - 2018 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2016 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.
Acknowledgements
Use of PokéCommunity Assets
vB Optimise by DragonByte Technologies Ltd © 2023.