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Astinus May 25th, 2011 8:50 PM

Joey... What a way to go. The poor boy.

Onto a more mechanical side of things, I'm wondering if you proof-read this before you posted it. Because there are a lot of typos through this, especially in the beginning.

Like...

The missing spaces between sentences in the introduction.

Quote:

he wanted to believe them, but he couldn't, not for the life of him.
Missing the capitalization for the first "he".

Quote:

He ut his hands on his shoulders,
Missing the "p" to finish "put".

Quote:

just because he wanted to didn't mean he could.
Missing the capitalization for "just".

Quote:

The wo walked inside, and stoped in the shadowy spots of the gym.
In order: "two" and "stopped"

Quote:

"Cris Avric, wat interests you about Pokemon Training?"
Ian, Ian, Ian... Typoing your character's name... Though the "wat" makes me wonder if your h-key wasn't working.

Quote:

come u and find me at the end of the puzzle
That should be "up"

It's still good to see a chapter from you. Just take the time to catch these small mistakes. I also felt that this chapter was missing a little something, like the ease that you wrote the other chapters. Like your writing style wasn't the same here as it was in other chapters. Maybe since this chapter was shorter (or seemed shorter) than the others.

But now Chris is going to meet up with that assassin soon, and we'll see just what Chris will do and how he grows along the way with Bosca. Keep writing!

IanDonyer May 26th, 2011 3:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astinus (Post 6660523)
Joey... What a way to go. The poor boy.

Onto a more mechanical side of things, I'm wondering if you proof-read this before you posted it. Because there are a lot of typos through this, especially in the beginning.

Like...

The missing spaces between sentences in the introduction.


Missing the capitalization for the first "he".


Missing the "p" to finish "put".


Missing the capitalization for "just".


In order: "two" and "stopped"


Ian, Ian, Ian... Typoing your character's name... Though the "wat" makes me wonder if your h-key wasn't working.

That should be "up"

It's still good to see a chapter from you. Just take the time to catch these small mistakes. I also felt that this chapter was missing a little something, like the ease that you wrote the other chapters. Like your writing style wasn't the same here as it was in other chapters. Maybe since this chapter was shorter (or seemed shorter) than the others.

But now Chris is going to meet up with that assassin soon, and we'll see just what Chris will do and how he grows along the way with Bosca. Keep writing!

Yeesh... that many? Thought for sure I got 'em all. For some reason spell check didn't quite pick up all those. x_x; And I admittedly don't proof read as often as I should. Some of the capitalization errors are solely due to my shift key being, quite frankly put, a total beeyotch.

Right. Thanks for the review: and this chapter was a little iffy to me too. I just didn't feel into it like usual... might be the fact that I've been writing so much this month. Maybe I should just take a break for a bit... but I want to write! Especially with Best Laid Plans. I want to write the confrontation against the two, especially considering David's intense power compared to Chris's... newbie powers. :|

Ayeiyeiyeiyeiiiii...

wat do?

IanDonyer May 28th, 2011 2:52 AM

best laid plans


It’s a sad, sad thing when the first funeral you ever attend is the funeral of one of your friends. It's worse, when you think it's all because of you. Joey Collins was a good kid. He was taken from us so many years too early.

But the hardest part is the grief. Because when the funeral is over, you still walk around with the weight on your shoulders, constantly pressing down on you, eating away at your mind until you finally just... let it go.

But I could not do that. I could not let it go. Not until I got to face the man who did it, and I got to take his life too. I wanted to kill him, I have to admit. I wanted to hurt him for hurting me like he did.


Chapter 11: Vs. David Part I: Unexpected Partnership

"As a family friend to the Collins's, it hurts me dearly to have to do this," the man said, his voice nearly hidden by the solemn music playing in the background. "But I have learned that three days ago, on Tuesday, May the twenty-third, the world suffered a great tragedy. Joseph Taylor Collins, just nine years old, was taken from us."

Chris wondered if anything would ever go right. The world was a screwed up place, and it was growing screwier around him, constantly pushing objects in his path. He blocked out the words of the minister, not wanting to hear them, not wanting to be here -- but he supposed if he did not want to be here, he would not have come.

He was sitting alone in a pew, far in the back, dressed in a sharp black tuxedo, his arm up in a sling, his eyes down on the ground and unmoving. If he looked up, he was afraid he was going to scream - that he was going to cry, that he was going to do something incredibly stupid or just get up and leave. The people around him were of similar mindset: and the sound of a sobbing mother absolutely murdered Chris when he heard it.

"...A joyous personality, mixed in with hints of ferocity and compassionate loving toward all the people around him. He was a wonderful person, shaping up to be an amazing, awe-inspiring man, but God decided it was his time. We can rest well knowing that Joey is resting in Heaven now, and know- that he wouldn't want us to be upset."

Chris let his eyes move up to the ceiling, staring through the blurry mess of his eyes and letting a smile cross his lips, weak and shaky. If what the man was saying was true, he hoped Joey would forgive him. Because he was upset, and he did not know when the upset mood would end- if it ever would.

~ ~ ~

Two weeks later, Christopher Avrich sat down on a rock on the side of the road, taking a short rest. He was back in his old attire- light blue windbreaker, a black shirt underneath, and equally blue shorts, tennis shoes covering his feet.

"Bosca, how you holdin' up?" he asked.

"Mish," Bosca said flatly. He assumed she was pretty tired too- not a bad idea to have a little rest, then. While here, he began to think.

What was he going to do? He definitely could not report this to the police. It could mean his mother's life, which he was not going to let happen. He knew no one who could possibly be skilled enough to help him out with this- Falkner was good, but Pokemon could not stand up too well to a bullet. If this guy was a gun user and not a trainer, he really did not think he had a chance.

He was scared for his life, but his anger led him on in his march toward Goldenrod City- he was cutting past Violet, going west and then south, which was a sure-fire way to get there within a couple of days. When he got there, he did not know what he was going to do.

He might try and fight, but he was definitely going to have to utilize the power of Pokemon. He hated to put Bosca in danger like that, and even Ghos would probably be weak to a pressurized burst like that of a gun's- his two Pokemon could very well die, and he would probably join them.

He looked down at Bosca, who seemed to be feeling his anxiety, as she was nudging against his good hand. He smiled apologetically, rubbing her on her head.

"Sorry, gal," he said. "Just got a lot on my mind. Come on, let's go."

~ ~ ~

Christopher Avrich had once heard that adrenaline was a force to be reckoned with. He walked along the side of the road, looking at the towering buildings in front of him and hoped this was true - because adrenaline was overtaking him, running him over and nearly pinning him to the ground solely out of its weight.

He had spent another week, roughly, because of his injured arm, to get to Goldenrod. But he was drawing in close, and it seemed to be getting harder and harder to make each step. But here he was, marching against himself- marching toward what destiny wanted for him. If it was to get him up to Heaven early, so be it.

~ ~ ~

Five weeks later, Chris was living in paranoia. A regular stay at the Pokemon Center, and hotels if there was no room, he had taken to pretty much calling Goldenrod his temporary home. Though his fear kept him in a relatively quiet, inconspicuous one, he had even developed a routine- for the first three weeks, he had gotten up in the mornings, gone for a walk in National Park (sometimes with Bosca [and Ghos, even] following, sometimes without), gotten to the center, eaten breakfast, then spending the rest of the day on the computers of the center, only taking breaks to use the restroom, eat, or go to sleep for that night. What he did online varied: sometimes he browsed sites on Pokemon, sometimes he got on chatrooms, and on occasion he visited an online "teach yourself defense" site.

Three weeks in, though, his doctor from Violet called, and told Chris to go to the nearest hospital and find a Dr. Gobriel, who would remove his cast and start him up on a physical therapy regimen. So the PT occurred daily after the walk, and for a week after that, the continued net access dragged on - but when that week was up, Chris decided to spend some time down in the weight room of the Pokemon Center, to build up muscle.

For when he would need to fight, he thought grimly, on this particular day. He hated David Milwood, because not only did he murder a kid like Joey in cold blood - but honestly, Chris hated him for making him wait. Day after day, he went to sleep wondering if the next day would be his last: or, hell, if he would even wake up in the morning to know.

This particular day, Chris was on his way to the center from his PT session. He admittedly had a short break from this nerve-wracking, mind distorting fear during these sessions, simply because his coach was pretty cool, and she had the nicest set of... dumbbells, Chris had ever seen. But here it was, back in full-swing. He was pretty sure if this went on much longer, he was going to insane.

Luckily for his sanity, the waiting escapade ended as he took a short turn into an empty alleyway. Amazingly enough, with all the paranoid precautions he had taken, he had never even thought of going down quiet places alone as dangerous. He cursed himself for not doing so when he saw the man leap down from a fire escape on the wall of the apartment he was walking beside, dressed in a casual outfit- jeans, a bright red shirt surrounded by a white windbreaker, and a pair of tennis shoes. The look on his face was that of an average joe's- but the qualities were more... dastardly. A twisted grin was on his lips, his eyebrows raised, navy blue pupils focusing on Chris's face. One gloved hand was not visible, the sleeve of his windbreaker dangling.

"'sup, Chris?"

Chris's heart was beating at an uncomfortable pace, but he was used to that. But the terror that rooted him to where he was... that was the bad thing. He tried to open his mouth to speak, and succeeded- barely, his jaw moving just a bit, words coming out at a barely audible whisper.

"...'bout time."

The man pressed his one visible hand against his ear, leaning toward him, the expression in his eyes mocking Chris. "What? Can't hear ya, boy."

Chris gathered up the stones to speak up some. "...I said, 'bout time."

"Oh, I see. Got a little impatient, hrm?"

"Only wuh-wuh-one of us is g-g-g-guh-going tuh-to leave this c-city alive, Duh-david," Chris responded slowly, carefully, trying to prevent himself from stuttering his words - obviously failing, but at least making himself decently understandable from his efforts.

"Wuh-wuh-well, M-Muh-Mister stuh-stutter, huh-who w-would that b-b-b-buh-be?"

Chris smiled a weak, weary smile. He could not give off his typical, brave bravado - he had been worn down too much. But if there was one thing that Christopher Lawrence Avrich was, it was a fighter- and he planned on fighting until the very end.

"That... w-would be, muh-me."

And with that, David Milwood stuck his other arm out from beneath his windbreaker, revealing the revolver in his hand. A burst of laughter escaped him. "And who's the one with the gun, Chris?!"

"Go ahead..." Chris said. "Shoot me. I don't c-c-care if you blow m-my h-head off, I'm stuh-still g-g-going to kuh-kuh-kuh-...kick... your..."

Chris broke into a wild smile, adrenaline rushing through his veins, bursting him up as best it could for the fight or flight response - and Chris planned to fight.

"I'm gonna kick your ass!"

David then pulled the trigger, laughing wildly.

Click.

"The better question," a voice said from the shadows. "Is who's got the bullets, frocio?"

Chris was left confused, dazed and at the same time, grateful. Because he knew that this boy had just probably saved his life. He stepped forward, dressed in his signature jacket, though it was opened to reveal a green shirt beneath, and jeans. His red hair was in the way of his eyes, and a gloved hand reached up to swipe it away.

Adrian Russo was grinning from ear to ear. "I believe that would be me."

David was visibly shocked. "...Adrian! What the hell do you think you're doin'?! Why, I oughta..."

Adrian lifted up his other hand, just a couple of the revolver's bullets in his hand, golden metal glistening in the sunlight above. He let them fall to the ground, and the Pokemon beside him, the canine Chris recognized as Houndour, let loose a short burst of flame, not melting the metal - but Chris pretty much assumed those things were not touchable.

Adrian threw a quick glance to Chris, and the two met eye-to-eye for a moment.

"Don't assume I'm doing this to help you!" he exclaimed. "You're just lucky Archer ordered you dead without consulting me first!"

"...Is this rebellion?!" David screamed. "Just because... you little brat! So what if he didn't talk to you about it first?! This little bastard can rat both of us out now! Like Hell we're going to let him live just because you need to control everything!"

"I am the boss's son! My father built the Rocket Gang up from the ground! He can't just go behind my back like that!"

"You're still a kid, you listen to his orders!-"

"Me ne frego dei suoi ordini!" Adrian spat. "Figlio di puttana! From this day on, Team Rocket's going down by my own hand!"

Chris was still a bit lost on this, but he figured he may as well join in on the fun. "C'mon, stop yer arguin'! We gotta neutralize this bastard-"

"We? Ha!" Adrian laughed. "I can deal with him all on my own. Without his gun, he is not a problem! And he can't release his Pokemon... not in the city like this! He would be insane-"

David grinned, suddenly. "Brat, I'm renowned for being insane..."

Adrian stopped his laughing, and glanced to Chris, his eyes filled with horror.

"...Boy, I think it's best that we run. Cazzata!"

David Milwood pulled a Pokeball off his belt, and tossed it into the air. In a flash of light, Chris heard the rumbling start, turned around and dashed off.

He heard the sound of the building they had been next to being torn up by something huge. Chris was running in its shadow- suddenly, Adrian cut left, and Chris followed. He had no idea where they were heading, but as he glanced up and saw the huge blue, red-winged dragon floating in the skies above them, hearing the wicked laughter of the assassin behind him, he did not care, just as long as he got the hell out of dodge.

~ ~ ~

So,
Spoiler:
Adrian Russo and Chris join up, and David Milwood releases his Salamence in the middle of Goldenrod City! Next chapter's gonna be fun to write.


Adrian Russo Translations

frocio: homosexual; f aggot

Me ne frego dei suoi ordini!: "I don't give a damn about his orders!"

Figlio di puttana!: "Son of a bitch!"

Cazatta!: "Bloody nonsense!"

Source: http://italian.about.com/library/slang/bladultslangindex.htm - Now, hopefully this will be a bit more accurate than last time. I've also run the two one-word phrases through google for authenticity.

Hope you guys enjoyed the twist in the chapter almost as much as I enjoyed the hell out of writing it! Forgive me if there are any errors in anything other than the Italian. Running off no sleep here - in eleven minutes, I'll have been up for a straight twenty-four hours. Hooray, writing off lack of sleep!

Bay May 30th, 2011 1:44 PM

Chapter 10
I feel that's a bit much for Falkner to say he doesn't care about Chris' broken arm if he decides to try this puzzle again. I understand the gym leader's frustation, but wouldn't he be in trouble if Chris gets hurt again (the first time Chris got hurt is pretty much his fault :x ) ? Maybe this is just me thinking a bit much into this. XD

The next part all I got to say is...Joeyyyyyy. ;_;

Last part glad things are calming down between Chris and Falkner, but ouch over him hearing the news of Joey's death.

I too feel something slightly missing from this chapter, but I'm not sure what. I think it has to do with the second part you went straight for Joey already knowing someone was going to kill him. Maybe if you have him reflect a bit what was going first and then have David come, it would make the chapter flow better, I think. Okay, so I have more to say about Joey's death, LOL.

Chapter 11
Real quick, Chris skipped Azaela Town's gym? I don't mind if gyms are being skipped, but if Chris is still thinking about gym matches then he should have done Azaela Town's gym first. Then again, with Joey's death and David...yeah. D:

Quite a bit of timeskipping this chapter, but it is to be expected since nothing much really happened until Chris' confrontation with David and then Adrian. I can't really say if the Italian slang there are correct since I actually haven't gotten the chance to learn them in university. XD; Still very interesting that Adrian and Chris joined up for now. Their interactions shall be very fun.

Weewer May 30th, 2011 2:24 PM

Looking good so far. Simple and easy to read, good characters. Heck, you're even giving Joey a bigger role; thats unique. I'm interested to see where you'll take this adventure,and I can only wonder what's in the egg. My guess is Mew, but only time will tell. Keep it up, though!

IanDonyer May 30th, 2011 3:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bay Alexison (Post 6668288)
Chapter 10
I feel that's a bit much for Falkner to say he doesn't care about Chris' broken arm if he decides to try this puzzle again. I understand the gym leader's frustation, but wouldn't he be in trouble if Chris gets hurt again (the first time Chris got hurt is pretty much his fault :x ) ? Maybe this is just me thinking a bit much into this. XD

Or me changing my plans for the plot of the chapter last minute. Weee.

The next part all I got to say is...Joeyyyyyy. ;_;

Why did I have to kill him? WHYYY? ;-;

Last part glad things are calming down between Chris and Falkner, but ouch over him hearing the news of Joey's death.



I too feel something slightly missing from this chapter, but I'm not sure what. I think it has to do with the second part you went straight for Joey already knowing someone was going to kill him. Maybe if you have him reflect a bit what was going first and then have David come, it would make the chapter flow better, I think. Okay, so I have more to say about Joey's death, LOL.

Chapter 11
Real quick, Chris skipped Azaela Town's gym? I don't mind if gyms are being skipped, but if Chris is still thinking about gym matches then he should have done Azaela Town's gym first. Then again, with Joey's death and David...yeah. D:

Read more carefully. David pretty much commanded that Chris head right to Goldenrod.

Quite a bit of timeskipping this chapter, but it is to be expected since nothing much really happened until Chris' confrontation with David and then Adrian. I can't really say if the Italian slang there are correct since I actually haven't gotten the chance to learn them in university. XD; Still very interesting that Adrian and Chris joined up for now. Their interactions shall be very fun.

From what I've written of chapter twelve so far, yes - they're a very nice duo. :p

Quote:

Originally Posted by Weewer
Looking good so far. Simple and easy to read, good characters. Heck, you're even giving Joey a bigger role; thats unique. I'm interested to see where you'll take this adventure,and I can only wonder what's in the egg. My guess is Mew, but only time will tell. Keep it up, though!

Indeed, only time will tell! Thank you! I'm glad you like the story!

Astinus May 30th, 2011 8:03 PM

This chapter was much better than the last one. There was more of your writing style in there, making it fun to read. And no major typos that I could see.

So Adrian and Chris are forced together now, huh? Wonder how they'll get away from David, who's just insane enough to attack them in the city. It's good that you did the time skip, avoiding the boring parts of Chris just waiting around. So now it's just a wait to see if Chris can get revenge for Joey, and just how Adrian fits in to the plan now.

bobandbill June 8th, 2011 6:23 PM

Whoosh, just caught up again. ~

I will agree that the latter chapter of the two newer ones on this page felt the better as said by others, as well as cleaner grammatically. I did like the endings to both chapters though both with the news of Joey's death and the fact David is crazy enough to do that. XD Certainly makes for the beginning of the the next chapter to be quite exciting potentially. =p Just overall the 2nd chapter was better paced and more enjoyable to read imo - I enjoyed the beginning more for instance.
Quote:

"Chris.. Chris Avrich," he responded. He somewhat wanted to shrink back, run away and go back to New Bark, living out the rest of his life in shame.... but he wasn't going to now.
Some inconsistent length of ellipses there after 'Chris' and 'shame'' - I'd say stick to the usual three dots (...) for an ellipse instead.
[QUOTE]If you want me to really believe your apology, and if you really want me to believe your reasoning, come up and find me at the end of the puzzle. no battles.[/QUOTE]Needs a capital N.
Quote:

Joey deduced."Hi. Who are you?" Joey asked slowly.
I think the spacing was eaten here as it should be a new line at '"Hi.' there.

Quote:

"You have th e brave spirit of a Pidgeot, and the heart of a golden-feathered Fearow.
Besides that I must say that I like Falkner's manner of speech there - it works well imo. XD

Quote:

Chris nodded and said his thanks before turning around and pressing his Pokegear to his ear."Hello?"
Another space missing there.

Quote:

He admittedly had a short break from this nerve-wracking, mind distorting fear during these sessions, simply because his coach was pretty cool, and she had the nicest set of... dumbbells, Chris had ever seen.
Herp. XD
(Although the comma after 'dumbbells' seems unnecessary to me).
Quote:

Chris gathered up the stones to speak up some. "...I said, 'bout time."
That first sentence sounded rather odd to me - 'gathered up the stones' is an expression I don't believe I have heard anywhere before, and 'speak up some' sounds rather casual narration to me.

Quote:

"The better question," a voice said from the shadows. "Is who's got the bullets, frocio?"
I feel it'd be better if you treated the whole thing here as one sentence (i.e. '...from the shadows, "is who's...').


And
Bosca continues to be cute as all heck btw. =p Keep it up!


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