The PokéCommunity Forums

The PokéCommunity Forums (https://www.pokecommunity.com/index.php)
-   Fan Fiction & Writing (https://www.pokecommunity.com/forumdisplay.php?f=20)
-   -   Freewriting & Fragments (https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=243188)

SeleneHime February 13th, 2011 11:53 AM

Freewriting & Fragments
 
Freewrites and idea scraps, that aren't quite enough to be registered as actual oneshots or bits of stories (sometimes novels or fannovels). Some freewrites will be dated, others named. All of the ones that are titled as Title: are usually expansions/continuations on other bits of my work, not standalone fragments.

Freewrites:
Anubai
Shades of Gray: Mocking
LoZ - Crescent Light Chronicles: One of Shadows
Valkyrie
Power

Untitled, random idea?

Story Fragments:
Pokemon - Chronicles of Erana: [Potential] Prologue

Quote:

Shades of Gray

Footsteps sounded up the corridor, a gentle breeze slipping through the stone cut windows. Candlelight flickered slightly, before trailing back upwards again. The golden swath outside was slowly fading into the dark cobalt of evening, tendrils of lavender trailing across it. A slight hiss of pain suddenly cut through the tranquility, a small group of warriors rounding the corner. Scarlet dripped onto the gray flagstone, a single figure half doubled over in the ring of white plumaged males. Their partially extended wings gleamed with a golden tinge in the light, in contrast to the female’s deep ebony plumage.

Kyra swallowed painfully, jaw clenching as one jerked the tether that bound her hands behind her back. Woven hemp bit into her already raw wrists, making their point clear. The feminine warrior’s fingers twitched slightly, as if curling around the cold steel of her confiscated lance. She forced herself to straighten after a moment, biting her lip when her aching and torn muscles screamed in protest, trying to remove her shoulder length tresses from her eyes. Refusing to give the satisfaction of utter submission.

She briefly bowed her head as the pace resumed, before finally succeeding in getting the bloodstained umber locks out of her face when she raised it again. Hardened amber eyes, half glazed with worsening illness, soon fastened upon the dagger tucked in the belt of a male ahead of her. Its alloy hilt was well polished, as was the curved weapon’s sheath. Tempting, but unfortunately out of reach. Frustratingly so, considering it could possibly be her way out. Kyra’s gaze flicked to the sides, stifling a sigh upon seeing they were just out of reach of her restrained wings. They had been quite thorough in removing any possible weapon she possessed.

The young woman stiffened slightly as stairs came into view, knowing they’d irritate her still open – and quite possibly infected – wound. Although now two days old, the gash hadn’t even begun to placate. Torn black cloth directly beneath her ribcage remained quite moist, as the offending broadsword had taken more than she’d expected. Needless to say, the wound still bled. Kyra stiffened slightly as they began mounting the stairs, not about to be dragged up them. She’d preserve what dignity she could.

Candlelight steadily increased as the group continued, eventually coming to a halt at an open archway. “Lord Anias?” the lead warrior queried, making their presence known. A now familiar male glanced up from the scroll parchment in his hands, brushing a loose pale blonde lock out of his eyes. The nobleman stood, motioning the others aside. A slight smile touched his lips, even reaching his piercing silver gaze, upon meeting the feminine warrior’s glower.

Anias slowly extended his ivory shaded wings to stretch them, before once more folding them against his back. Having exchanged his simple commoner’s garb for material that suited his rank made a clear difference, the fine white and emerald colored cloth clearly standing out. Both his darker colored breeches and pale tunic were loosely bound together with a deep blue sash, a curved saber tucked underneath the band. “I trust you did not have much trouble after my departure in battle?”

“No, sire,” the warrior murmured, dropping into a kneeling position when his overlord’s wandering eyes fastened on him. Amusement touched the lightly clad young man’s façade upon noticing that his ‘guest’ was the only one to ignore common gestures. Kyra blatantly held his gaze, though silently. Ignoring the order of her foes to kneel at the same time. A sharp gasp was jolted from her when one of those surrounding her suddenly lashed out, knocking the wind out of her as the hilt of his weapon connected with her wound. She slowly inhaled, though stiffened when the now bloodied weapon retracted.

Anias’s brow arched, before shaking his head. “Nay. Stay your hand. One cannot expect the norm out of an opposing combatant, can they? That aside … There are some things I would like to speak of. Commander Kyra’s corpse does me little good.”

Bay February 14th, 2011 11:14 PM

I have to say, the action in this short is very nicely done. The escape is executed nicely and Kyra’s capture is quite intense there too. I also like the writing style in this piece as it flows quite well in my opinion.

Hm, I know this is a short piece that you might or might not go back to it, but I would love it if you continue this. I’m left wondering what the plot of this story would be if it becomes a much longer piece, the character’s personalities are, why Kyra got stuck in jail/dungeon, what Anias wants to talk to her about, etc. I’m pretty such you thought a lot of the events before and after this piece, so it would be nice if you expand on this world.

Astinus February 15th, 2011 1:06 PM

I'd also like to see more of this world. To learn why what happened happened and then to see how it all ends. I'm guessing since this is a story fragment that you do have more planned with these characters.

One thing that I like is your language in this. It fits the story that you're writing, with a fantasy feel to it. It just seemed to work and add more to this story as a whole.

Kyra already sounds like an interesting character. As I said, I'd like to see how she got into this situation and how (if?) she gets out.

SeleneHime February 15th, 2011 2:51 PM

Wow, two detailed comments in one day. o.o

Thanks, guys! I appreciate it. ^_^

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bay Alexison (Post 6457276)
I have to say, the action in this short is very nicely done. The escape is executed nicely and Kyra’s capture is quite intense there too. I also like the writing style in this piece as it flows quite well in my opinion.

Hm, I know this is a short piece that you might or might not go back to it, but I would love it if you continue this. I’m left wondering what the plot of this story would be if it becomes a much longer piece, the character’s personalities are, why Kyra got stuck in jail/dungeon, what Anias wants to talk to her about, etc. I’m pretty such you thought a lot of the events before and after this piece, so it would be nice if you expand on this world.

*Nods.* Kyra doesn't seem to be in the best of shape here, no. And as forewarning, the title is taken very literal throughout the entire story. However, I'm trying to get a decent main plot going. I can't have it mostly subplots that are strung together. It wouldn't make a whole lot of sense otherwise.

Well, I actually do plan on returning to it at some point. If I get stuck on my actual novel Mageblood, I'll probably go over to SoG for a while. I do have a fair bit of an idea for the first few chapters, and random ones here and there.

And, yes. Anias leaves no stone unturned. The antagonists and protagonists are all in the eye of the beholder, in this story. It'll be quite interesting to write. Thank you again for commenting, though. *Huggles.* I'll see about posting other SoG snippets along with my Mageblood ones.


Quote:

Originally Posted by Astinus (Post 6458009)
I'd also like to see more of this world. To learn why what happened happened and then to see how it all ends. I'm guessing since this is a story fragment that you do have more planned with these characters.

One thing that I like is your language in this. It fits the story that you're writing, with a fantasy feel to it. It just seemed to work and add more to this story as a whole.

Kyra already sounds like an interesting character. As I said, I'd like to see how she got into this situation and how (if?) she gets out.

*Smiles.* As I said in my above reply, I have some basics of the world set up, and more twists than actual plot. (I don't want to go with an entirely cliche base, which is what I'm having trouble with at the moment. To me, I need something with more substance.) I will definitely return to SoG, though. No worries about that.

Hehe, much appreciated. I'm not quite sure how I developed this style, it just happened. But it fits my dominant genre quite well.

*Nods.* Both she, and Anias, are interesting. How she got into this situation could be a chapter all by itself, too. *Sweatdrop.* But, yes, getting out will be quite the ... interesting tale. Especially considering everything else.

SeleneHime February 15th, 2011 6:15 PM

Anubai


The young woman gently brushed her fingertips over the papyrus and parchment, slowly inhaling the stale air. Scrolls from Alexandria. Ancient artifacts, of literature and others, filled even the above ground tomb. Annelise withdrew her hand after a moment, gaze traveling around the room. Ornaments gleamed in the amber warmth of her lighter, casting a dim swath in the darkened room. Scattered beads rolled across the sandstone as she moved, some crumbling to colored dust.

Annelise paused, noticing an open vat of still valuable oil, as well as a long extinguished torch. The archeologist passed her lighter to her other hand, grasping the worn wooden handle and lifting it from its holder. Sour odor drifted upwards as she dipped it, before holding her flame near it. Fire sparked, and then burst into existence.

Her crystal blue gaze moved along the now brightened room, inquisitive. Still getting over the shock and excitement of her find, knowing the rarity of undisturbed tombs. So few remained untouched, already ravaged by thieves – Ancient and modern alike. Tutkhamun, young pharaoh though he may have been, had been one of the select few who’s eternal rest had survived in peace for decades, millenniums. Yet, there was no inscription, no name. Another pharaoh lost in the sands of time, perhaps.

The heels of her boots clicked on the sandstone as she moved forward once more, this time halting at the foot of the stairs. Carefully testing her weight on the desert rock, before making her way down. Silence surrounded her, lacking all of the supposed animal life other’s had found in tombs. A thin layer of dust and sand covered almost every step, though causing her to pause upon reaching the last one. Annelise brushed a loose umber lock out of her eyes as she raised her torch, almost but not quite touching her hand to the hieroglyphics decorating the wall.

Yet, while she was well versed enough in the language to piece things together, she could only make out one longstanding symbol. Ankh, the mark of eternal life. Her eyes shifted to the floor as she shifted her weight, feeling her boots brush something that felt quite different. She quirked a brow upon seeing nothing, before cautiously continuing to the next room.

What was this? Was it really a tomb? It was lacking almost all of the usual burial markings and gifts, even the artistic hieroglyphics that told the tales of lives. Instead, olden writing was painted onto and carved into the walls. The flickering of her torch brought her attention back to the corridor ahead of her, realizing she had been lowering it in thought. Annelise quickly raised it once more, though this time keeping it level. Writing continued to line her path, inscribed up and down almost every part of the wall. Two ushabti caught her eye as she turned, placed on either side of an opening. Usually tomb guardians, however, now she was not so certain. Their emerald eyes seemed to watch the intruding archeologist, golden scarab necklaces on the statues gleaming under the light.

Annelise’s hand lightly touched the winged scarab at her own throat, resting just above her collar bones. Her inspiration, her motivation. And now, once extinct unease was settling in her. Archeology and mythology always interested her. Why should she be finding this particular place intimidating, unsettling?

Shrugging it away, almost forcefully, the young woman slowly walked through the opening. Tensing slightly, upon seeing lit candles on the far side of the room. This time; proceeding more cautiously. The area had shown no signs of entrance outside, yet candles did not remain lit forever. Her eyes suddenly widened in astonishment – The faint pinprick of light moving further away with each step. “… Hello?” she inquired softly, shattering the silence. How had someone else gotten in? It wasn’t possible for the deities to remain ‘alive’. The days of olden priesthood were long over, too. And, even more importantly, who was it?

Almost inhuman curiosity now spurred the archeologist to continue following the light, against her better judgment. Annelise’s breath was steadily becoming shallower the longer she walked, even the stale air now coming welcome to her. With each corridor, her torch sinking lower and lower. Every turn leading her deeper into what seemed to be a labyrinth, countless other corridors springing up into her view almost every time.

By the time the light finally halted, weariness plagued her. Weak flames licked at the dark air, almost reduced to mere smoldering embers. Amber and now almost greenish light emitted from it, casting a pallid glow. “Hello?” she tried again, knowing that she was not imagining things. Lights did not move on their own; nor did candles stay lit for millenniums.

Another glow, however, caught her attention. A dark maroon. She slowly moved forward again, finally halting in front of what seemed to be an altar, or shrine. Vaguely clear writing still climbed the walls, though unreadable still. Her breath caught in her throat as she touched a hand to the large raised tablet, this time halting in shock.

“Feather of Ma’at … The ankh-staff of Anubis?” Annelise breathed, almost gaping at it. The lean staff was rested diagonally across the entire tablet, a faint maroonish aura emanating from the artifact. As if magical, bringing olden myths to life. She hesitantly finished extending her hand, fingertips only brushing the tempered metal.

Darkness engulfed her.

A faint whisper reaching her ears as she succumbed to unconsciousness, vaguely aware of a fine pelt brushing against what little skin was exposed. “… Perhaps it is time to join us, Banafrit …”


- - - - -


Banafrit – Egyptian term of endearment for females. “Beautiful soul.”


Ma'at - Goddess of Truth


Anubis - Lord of the Dead




One of my first freewrites, and also one of my favorites.

Bay February 17th, 2011 10:24 PM

Glad you like my review! Indeed, you should expand on that piece. Looking forward to more o fit. For now though, I’m going to review Anubai and Mageblood: Raw Instinct.

Anubai
I like this a lot. Some nice references to Egyptian mythology and you did well with Annelise’s thoughts well concerning that. The ending is great too, leaves me in suspense and wanting to find out what just happened.

Maybe some people might disagree with me, but I love the repetition of candles not staying lit forever. Gives a nice dose of foreshadowing to me.

There’s one thing I want to point out, though. I know you mentioned this was your first freewrite, but I think you could have revise it real quick before posting it. Some of the sentences are awkward to me.

Quote:

Annelise withdrew her hand after a moment, gaze traveling around the room.
I feel if you have”…her gaze, traveling around the room,” this part would sound less awkward and dangling too (I’m imaging Annelise’s hand gazing).

Quote:

Her crystal blue gaze moved along the now brightened room, inquisitive. Still getting over the shock and excitement of her find, knowing the rarity of undisturbed tombs.
Quote:

The heels of her boots clicked on the sandstone as she moved forward once more, this time halting at the foot of the stairs. Carefully testing her weight on the desert rock, before making her way down.
Both of the above quotes I think you should add “She was” in the second sentences. The bolded parts seemed to not make much sense without a subject and verb added at the beginning.

Quote:

Two ushabti caught her eye as she turned, placed on either side of an opening. Usually tomb guardians, however, now she was not so certain.
I’m confused. So the ushabti are the tomb guardians?

In short, great buildup, but some of the sentences could be revised to make the piece read more easily. I suggest reading aloud your piece to catch any sentences you feel are awkward and didn’t flow well. That helps me a lot when I had problems with awkward sentences before.

Mageblood: Raw Instinct
Quote:

Landing lightly behind the man, an unnaturally strong arm circling his girth. Pinning his arms to his side as her other hand snapped his head back. Stunning him - His pulse pounding in her ear.
Usually with this kind of sentence structure I would advice to revise the paragraph to make it have more of an action voice, not passive. However, I like this part as it builds suspense well.

Quote:

Sinking her fangs into his jugular.
This sentence I though I feel should be more action and not passive. “She sunk her fangs into his juglar” would flow better for this kind of scene.

Other than that, I have nothing else to say but NICE. XD;

SeleneHime February 18th, 2011 7:26 AM

*Smiles.* I guess its good that this thread has you returning? ^_^

"Anubai"
Mmm, I understand the points you bring up. However, I actually try not to edit my freewrites beyond spell checking and changing plain fonts to italics for the more foreign words. It may be a bad habit to get into for that type of writing, but I like to see if I improve on my raw writing every so often by looking back on them. (Following random trains of thought definitely proved fruitful in this case, though. ^_^)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bay Alexison (Post 6462093)
I’m consumed. So the ushabti are the tomb guardians?

Maybe I'm just worn out from being sick past few days, XD, but is that sarcasm? *Sweatdrop.* And, yes. Ushabati are the tomb maidens. They guard the doors to a pharaoh's room, I believe, as well as other important areas depending on the era.

And in response to your first bit of commentary, I'm glad that you found it so enjoyable as whole. The joy of this piece, though; is that its entirely open ended. She may have died. She may not have. Either way, though, Annelise certainly didn't follow the traditional archeologist's path.


"Mageblood: Raw Instinct"
Yay for double reviews.

For the first quoted piece, I understand that it doesn't quite read right. But there isn't much I could do in editing to make it seem better, either. For the second ... Hmm. That's debatable, I suppose. Both would work, but to me it sounded as if the one phrasing had more impact. Maybe I was wrong, though.

*Sweatdrop.* Well, I'm sure I'll be posting other Mageblood snippets relatively soon. ^_^

Bay February 18th, 2011 10:29 AM

For your comment on the leaving freewrite raw, all right understandable. In the end, they're your freewrites and your choice whether to polish them up or not. However, since this is a forum where the reviewers will pinpoint the flaws, no matter how old a work is. Not to say you can still learn a thing or two from the advice we provided, though. :)

Quote:

Maybe I'm just worn out from being sick past few days, XD, but is that sarcasm? *Sweatdrop.* And, yes. Ushabati are the tomb maidens. They guard the doors to a pharaoh's room, I believe, as well as other important areas depending on the era.
Oh, woops. I used the wrong word in that review. It's suppose to be confused, not consumed. -_- This is what I get for reviewing close to midnight. D: *goes edit* Thanks for the clarification, though.

Quote:

For the first quoted piece, I understand that it doesn't quite read right. But there isn't much I could do in editing to make it seem better, either. For the second ... Hmm. That's debatable, I suppose. Both would work, but to me it sounded as if the one phrasing had more impact. Maybe I was wrong, though.
Fair enough on the second point. Well to me, action voice leaves a bigger impact, but if you feel that phrase is more effective, that's fine.

Quote:

*Sweatdrop.* Well, I'm sure I'll be posting other Mageblood snippets relatively soon. ^_^
Haha, sorry if my enthusiasm scared you. The description and suspense is quite well done, so yeah. :P

SeleneHime February 18th, 2011 12:09 PM

Not a long reply, but, we've pretty much covered everything for these two snippets now, XD.

You're certainly right about the first part, though. Every author still has room to improve and learn new things. ^_^ Heheh, well, we all do that every now and then. No problem.

*Huggles.* XD, well, I am glad that someone likes my writing style and the novel its based in. If you like it that much, maybe I'll PM you the prologue soon. ^_^

Miz en Scène February 19th, 2011 6:17 PM

Nǐ hǎo! (Personal PRC requisite, please ignore.)

*waves* It’s me, a reviewer. One of those eccentric, freelance critics who stalk writing forums and tell writers how to improve! Maybe an exaggeration on my part, but that’s how I view myself when I assume this educational persona. Well anyway, let’s get down to the bare essentials in my review shall we? I’ll be doing your latest story fragment today.

Mageblood: Transcending Time
What struck me first when I read through the story fragment was how remarkably descriptive you were being. It’s evident within your other works and is quite well done, but that’s not going to be the focus of my critique. What is going to be the focus of my critique, however, is your use of language, or your eccentric construction of sentences in what is meant to be prose and not poetry. Let me expand on that. Generally, prose is referred to as a method in which facts (in this case fictional facts –hah oxymoron-) are conveyed to the reader with a natural grammatical structure and flow that is meant to emulate speech. Note natural grammatical structure. I used the Wikipedia definition here because it was the most concise but also because I want to draw your attention to how you construct sentences and the general flow you seem to have throughout the piece. For example this:
Quote:

Once again finding nothing, before continuing onwards.
This is what is generally referred to in the business as a sentence fragment. Now, it’s not inherently wrong to use sentence fragments, providing you’re using it in the proper context, but your piece seems to be entirely constructed of sentence fragments, as is evidenced by that sentence up there. It’s a bit like poetry, really, what you’re doing, only, it’s not. Poetry, as you may know, is a piece of literature which aims to evoke emotion using various creative licenses. Prose, on the other hand, is a bit more restrictive. Notice that the sentence is quite hard to read. It lacks the rhythm of natural speech, and sounds really quite vague, hence why I equate it to poetry.

“Once again finding nothing, before continuing onwards.”

Why would it be a fragment you ask? Simply because it contains no subjects, otherwise names, to link to the verbs in the sentence. If left to stand on its own, the reader will probably be wondering: who is the sentence referring to. Who is performing the action. It’s exceedingly vague. Try inserting a ‘she’ into the sentence. Also, while we’re at it, let’s change the tense because it’s not consistent.

“Once again finding nothing, she continued onwards.”

That makes more sense don’t you think? Also, now that I’ve touched on that, let’s move on to tensing.
Quote:

Flames licked at the dank air as the mage walked, torch casting a warm glow on the cold stone surroundings. Her long wheat colored waves hung loosely down her back, contrasting heavily against the dirt brown of her cloak. Serenity’s jade gaze trailing along the narrow corridor, pausing briefly. Passing her torch over a cobwebbed cluster that clung to the walls, charring away what blocked her sight. Once again finding nothing, before continuing onwards.
Look at the bolded text. Now look at the normal text. Now look back at the bolded text. Spot the difference? They’re both written in two different tenses. The first part is written in the past tense, the more standard way of writing, while the second is written in the present, a bit more eccentric, harder to do, but also acceptable. The problem here is that you’re using two different tenses. Simply don’t. To the reader jumping from tenses chops up the flow and makes zhim feel temporally displaced, an exaggerated effect, but an effective one nonetheless. I’d suggest that you stick to the past tense in this case.

Try:
Quote:

Flames licked at the dank air as the mage walked, torch casting a warm glow on the cold stone surroundings. Her long wheat coloured waves hung loosely down her back, contrasting heavily against the dirt brown of her cloak. Serenity’s jade gaze trailed along the narrow corridor, pausing briefly. She passed her torch over a cobwebbed cluster that clung to the walls, charring away what blocked her sight. Once again, finding nothing, she continued onwards.
I’ve bolded the tense changes. Also note that I’ve had to add certain pronouns. These make the sentence fragments I was telling you about into proper sentences in which there’s a subject to relate to the verb.



And that concludes my review. It cuts off abruptly like this because when I start doing the critique, I feel motivated, but I slowly lose it as I continue writing. Also, to a lesser extent, I just wanted to touch on language and what I’ve just explained can be applied to all the parts in your piece. You just have to find them. It’ll help you learn.

SeleneHime February 19th, 2011 8:13 PM

Wow ... o.o
That's one huge review.

Okay ... Well, I'll be the first to admit my grammar has never been anything to write home about. Decent, but nothing special. But, at the same time, I've never gotten a critique of this rate on it, either. (And in all honesty, my grammar has never been called eccentric, either, XD.)

However, in response to your critique ... I do write in which a way to draw the reader in, yes. The first quoted part does indeed make sense, although I will admit I tend to cringe at repetitive verb usage. And continuing that flow into the tensing, that is a bit of an unexpected thing to bring up. Your points are clear, although I have seen many novels written in past tense that also have more ... fluid ways of phrasing actions. It keeps things from getting repetitive, droll.

But, I digress. It isn't my intent to seem argumentative, as I always appreciate opinons on my work, and I will consider this. It'll just be harder for me to break an element that has ingrained itself into my style over the past three years.

My thanks for the review, though, Kuro. *Huggles.*

Bay February 25th, 2011 12:38 AM

All right, pretty much Mizan touched upon how your latest one shot has a lot of sentence fragments. I want to say real quick I can understand you're trying to draw the reader in,, but part of writing is clear communication. Sentence fragments are something that distracts the reader a lot, which isn't good. I can see though comparing Mageblood: Transcending Time and Shades of Gray that you improved on language and sentence structure. Just keep in mind when writing your newest works to not only have the prose engaging but clear too.

Only other thing is there are some instances where you went a bit "purple prose" with your description. I'll give a couple examples.

Quote:

Her long wheat colored waves hung loosely down her back, contrasting heavily against the dirt brown of her cloak.
I feel this part you can just say "long blond hair" instead of "long wheat colored waves" for simplicity's sake.

Quote:

A hand closing around her wrist as sapphire eyes snapped open.
This is one of my pet peeves, using jewels to represent eye colors (or colors of anything else). Makes me think more of the eyes being jewels. XD It's not bad to say, "blue eyes."

Pretty much in short with the purple prose is while I understand you're trying to spice up the description a bit, sometimes that can go too far. Simple description can be much more effective in terms of what you're trying to get across with your writing. For instance, the sapphire eyes example. You have to be careful how you describe things sometimes.

Despite a couple nitpicks, I still enjoyed this piece a lot. You did nicely building up the suspense with the mage going to the Tomb up until the end (which I quite love). I'm also left wondering what is this Tomb and also why the mage is checking it out. Looking forward to more fragments of Mageblood when you get the chance to work more on it.

SeleneHime March 28th, 2011 6:09 AM

Wow ... I didn't realize I'd been on hiatus for this long. My apologies for the late reply date, Bay.

I realize that substituting does lean towards purple prose, although I personally didn't qualify it that. It's easier to use one or two words to describe something, than per se, several extremely simple ones to depict the exact same color. Comparing his eyes to a gem, for instance, was purely to tell that they were of unusual darkness. "Blue" could be literally any shade. Just my two cents worth, though.

*Smiles.* I'm glad that you enjoyed it despite the small distractions, and the fact that it read as suspenseful to you means I must've done my job right somewhere in there. ;)

SeleneHime April 3rd, 2011 8:00 AM

Well, a preview of a novel idea. The story has quite a bit of potential, though this is based six years before the current time frame. This is about a third, or perhaps only a quarter, of the scene. However, it is intentional that there isn't a lot of character description at the moment. It comes a little later in the piece. (Though I have to wonder why almost everything I write lately seems to suck ... >_>)


Dragonheart Prelude

Lightning leapt across the sky. Blood spattered the night.

Cold droplets ran down her face as she jerked the glaive from her stunned opponent. Allowing him to fall as she whirled, dual blades catching the saber with a clang. Ren’s jaw clenched when he threw all of his weight against her, boots sliding against the slick stone. She jerked to the side with a sharp twist of her weapon, throwing him off balance.

An angered growl tore from the Eitiri warrior’s lips, splashing into the cliff side stream. The soaked warriors regarded one another intently, ire blazing in their eyes. But the Nasim dragoon was far from intimidated, leveling her glaive. The split blade just shy of his throat, upwards curve all but touching it as rainwater dripped from the gleaming steel. “You do not belong here – Your comrades have already fallen, and yet you still persist. It seems your foolishness knows no bounds,” she stated coolly, violet glower fixed upon the foreign warrior. The young woman slowly shifting her stance, adjusting her grip on the polearm.

It seems the two countries’ shaky truce had been divided once more. But his will to continue was strong. Just as, if not stronger than his dedication. He held her gaze, refusing to back down. “Our orders are the same.”

Ren’s eyes narrowed. “No. They are not.”

Bay April 3rd, 2011 12:34 PM

Quote:

Lightning leapt across the sky. Blood spattered the night.
I thought this is a great way to start this short piece off. This really sets the mood for what is going to happen in this prelude.

Quote:

An angered growl tore from the Eitiri warrior’s lips, splashing into the cliff side stream.
This part sounded a bit awkward to me because it read to me that Eitri’s lips are splashing into the cliff side stream and not Ren (I’m assuming the Eitiri warrior is Ren here, if not then correct me).

Anyways, this looks quite interesting and am looking forward to more writing of this. I’m curious as to what caused the two countries’ truce to be breaking apart and the cause of this battle.

SeleneHime April 3rd, 2011 1:10 PM

Hey, Bay~. Its been a while since I've seen you. *Huggles.* ^_^

Ren is the dragoon from Nasim, though. Sorry if it was confusing. I'll try to fix it later, XD. However, Ren won't be a pivotal character at the start of the chapters. She doesn't come in until later, for very good reasoning considering what happens at the end of this piece.

I'm certainly glad that you enjoyed what there is so far, though. I may be posting Dragonheart (though I need another title for it, as there is already a medium with that name according to someone who reviewed the initial idea) here for some critiques once I figure out more of the storyline and characters. ^_^

I hope to hear from you again soon.

Astinus April 3rd, 2011 4:04 PM

Yeah, Dragonheart is the name of a movie series. Two of my favorite movies, in fact.

Anyhow, long time no review! I read your other one-shots, but couldn't think of much to say about them. It's kind of the same with this one, but hey.

Agreeing with Bay that I like the opening line. It's short and simple, and catches the reader's attention. They're drawn in to figure out why there's blood being shed, and then to find out more about these warriors.

One thing I noticed:

Quote:

The young woman slowly shifting her stance, adjusting her grip on the polearm.
I feel as though "shifting" should be "shifted" so the sentence reads more complete.

Still, this was an interesting piece that starts off great. You have the reader's attention with the opening line, and there's promise of exploring the rest of the world, since there's some history mentioned here. Hoping to see more of this world.

SeleneHime April 3rd, 2011 5:52 PM

Oh, hello. Thanks for stopping by again. (And no worries, I understand, XD. But, yeah. I heard they were movies, but I hadn't seen them.) ^_^

Mmmhmm. Attention grabber lines are my favorites when it opens with action.

Oh, thank you for pointing that out. I must've missed that when typing it.

*Huggle.* It's much appreciated, Astinus. And I hope that you will. ^_^

SeleneHime April 3rd, 2011 6:21 PM

Pokemon: Chronicles of Erana
Prologue

Heavy boots sounded against the filthy concrete, the wearer making no effort to be quiet. A startled squeak came from the nighttime scavenger as he passed, one of the rattata scurrying off. The young man’s pace slowing when he rounded a corner, a hand dropping to the cold steel at his waist. Smooth metal pressed against his palm as he waited, gaze roving around the shadowed alleyways. It seemed that they only thought they were proficient. Offering a high pitched and wavering whistle as clear footsteps reached his ears, idly stroking the dainty dratini lying across his shoulders. Earning soft draconic coo in return for his gesture, briefly nuzzling his hand before raising her head.

His eyes flicking towards the opposite alleyway, before moving forward, stopping short where he could see the entire T’s length. Yet only the barest of smirks curved his lips when the arrivals made themselves visible, dark green eyes withholding nothing but confidence. His lips barely moving as he muttered something to the dragonet. “The saying goes ‘Two is company, three is a crowd’. Isn’t this a bit of overkill?” he asked dryly, casting a careless glance to the other three. Their black slacks and violet jackets blended well with the shadows of the joint alleyway, but the gold thread of their emblem made them plainly visible to the young man.

Yet his bored confidence only earned a scoffing laugh. The brunette’s eyes alight with amusement, rolling a minimized pokeball between her fingers. “Some people just don’t understand ‘no’, Logi-boy,” Susannah said, a wry smile cracking her lips as his jaw clenched, eyebrow twitching. “Shall we try this again?”

His brow slowly arched. “I see no reason to ally my clan with you. Come hell or high water.”

“Pity. Because, as I said,” Susannah began, “F.M. doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Someone might get hurt …” she added softly, her voice barely audible. Striking a raw nerve in him. Testing the Tamer – Signaling her team to move.

He sidestepped, sliding back with their lunge. A fluid parry sending one sprawling behind him, only to flick his hand around an oncoming grab. He jerked another step back, a sharp twist earning a hiss of pain from the subordinate. Only to lash out in attack – His merciless kick to the back of the man’s knee bringing him down to size. Gleaming steel flashing in the moonlight as he tore it from the sheath, sai cupping the man’s throat. A thin red hair offering all the promise they needed.

The third was hesitating. Unwilling to attack the Tamer directly, instead going for his pokemon. Only to be slammed into the ground, a large wolf leaping from the roof above. A rough ‘thud’ was audible, followed by a full throated growl as the mightyena stood on his chest. Hackles raised, bright fangs clearly visible.

The Tamer’s voice was soft when he spoke. “I’m quite honestly in no mood for your idle chatter tonight … So I suggest you retreat. For next time that F.M. tries this bull****, a few dragons will seem like child’s play.”



~ ~ ~ ~ ~


Okay, so I finished a potential prologue for my original pokemon region. There is still quite a bit of background work to do, yes, but I wanted to write this down. However, as I figure this will come up via reviews:


1) I do not capitalize pokemon species names unless its an actual name, or it has no nickname. Technically proper grammar. (And the introduced pokemon simply weren't addressed by their names.)



2) Personally, I've always seen dratini as something you can put on your shoulders instead of a six foot monstrosity. So in this, they divert a bit from canon sizes. Dragonair and dragonite are of natural sizing, though.


And something unrelated to the above:


3) While it is in-character for the last line to come out of the Tamer's mouth, I'm debating about keeping it. CoE doesn't start out dark, but rather grows into it. I may cut it out if I use the prologue. But that itself I'm still deciding.

EDIT: I just realized it was muted out anyway from forum censors. Oh well. ^_^"

Bay April 7th, 2011 10:01 PM

Oh yay, some Pokemon writing from you! :D I'm very intrigue over what's going on and would like to see this expanded (like your other works, haha). I actually think you should keep the last line because it's quite chilling and to me gives some foreshadowing.

One thing I want to point out is there are instances with your verbs in which you used -ing instead of -ed, making the sentences sound awkward. I'll give a couple examples:

Quote:

The young man’s pace slowing when he rounded a corner, a hand dropping to the cold steel at his waist.

Quote:

His eyes flicking towards the opposite alleyway, before moving forward, stopping short where he could see the entire T’s length.
The bolded words I believe you should changed the -ing to -ed to have the sentences not sound awkward. So slowed instead of slowing and flickered instead of flickering.

Overall, quite interested in this and hopefully ou'll write more of this!

SeleneHime April 9th, 2011 9:06 AM

*Grins.* Yep. And this is the first of many pokemon stories I plan on posting here. (CoE, Rising Darkness, a yet to be named Orre one, then a - currently - duology by the name of Race into the Night and Broken Dawn. There may be a third addition depending on how the first two pan out.) Once again, thank you for your input. ^_^

Oh, and for those of you thinking that Susannah is leading the mentioned "F.M.", she doesn't. ;)

And I certainly hope to write Chapter I soon, Bay. I just need to figure out everything I want to do in it, since I don't want a typical first-chapter of a journey-fic.

SeleneHime April 16th, 2011 6:50 PM

Well, I did stumble across a forgotten fragment earlier. I currently have no idea where I was originally planning on going with it, but for a rough draft the 'prelude' was all right:


Who would’ve thought that science fiction and fantasy stories would ever be true? I certainly didn’t. Not in this lifetime. But they are – In so many ways. Sometimes I wish I could crawl back into the little niche that was my old, boring life. When my only fears were surviving the next math class, and whether or not I'd pass it. But those days are long gone.

I’m not normal anymore. And at times, I don’t think it’s possible to go back. You don’t know my story. But you will now.

Bay April 16th, 2011 11:28 PM

Oh, to me this could be used as a great opening for a fantasy/science fiction story. I'm quite a sucker for stories where something from a novel comes to life. It would seem that was the premise you're going for when you wrote that.

Very short review for very short fragment. :x It's still great, though!

SeleneHime April 17th, 2011 8:14 AM

Hehe, yeah, it does have the potential. And considering this is, more than likely, about four or five years old ... It's pretty good considering. (I haven't written any actual intended chapter stories in first person in years, hence my guess.) Plenty of potential to spare if I figured out what I was going to do, though. ^^

I did have an idea float around for it last night, though it may or may not work. Thanks for the review, Bay! *huggles.* ^_^

JX Valentine April 17th, 2011 9:49 AM

Darling, don't take this the wrong way, but I have to ask: do you have anything recent? ._. It seems like you post primarily old stuff, and that's really not a good gauge for your current writing skill. I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but usually, writing communities also function as places in which writers learn how to improve and refine their work. It doesn't really help us to help you if all we get is basically stuff from years ago that you acknowledge isn't your best work.

Moreover, I'd hate to say it, but the more fragments you post instead of full stories, the more I feel a little on the disappointed side. For example, your latest fragment was okay, but that's really the problem. As Bay said, it looks like a decent opener for a fantasy, but it stops just short of actually being something. All we get is an introduction that could really go with anything, and as a result, it's not possible to connect it to anyone's situation and feel impressed by how heavy and profound it is. It's like saying someone dies but stopping short of telling us who or how. So, the opening ends up feeling a little hollow because, well, there's just no story there.


Going backwards, let's talk about something that isn't a fragment: that last prologue. Now, I'm not sure why you're afraid of creating a new thread for what might just be a full-on story. Clearly, you're not as bad as the kids who create nearly unreadable prologues thanks to an incomprehension of what a paragraph or proper formatting in general are. You could make this be a full story if you push yourself to pursue it, and as an aspiring author, one of the challenges you'll want to face is pushing yourself to finish anything past a chapter in length.

In terms of content, this prologue brings up a few issues I mentioned the last time I reviewed your work. To start off, there's the dependent clause issue. Let's take a look at a sample:

Quote:

A startled squeak came from the nighttime scavenger as he passed, one of the rattata scurrying off. The young man’s pace slowing when he rounded a corner, a hand dropping to the cold steel at his waist.
To refresh your memory, what I said earlier about dependent clauses is that it's a good idea to avoid using them to splice in thoughts that are technically unrelated to the rest of the sentence. In many cases, this produces a misplaced modifier, a phrase that describes something that isn't the closest term to it. In other words, look at the first sentence. The phrase "one of the rattata scurrying off" describes what produced the startled squeak and what the nighttime scavenger was. However, because the last pronoun before the comma is he, the subject of the dependent clause becomes whatever "he" refers to. In even shorter words, it's a lot like saying a phrase like "the ball was caught by the dog red" instead of "the red ball was caught by the dog." The adjective suddenly applies to "dog" instead of "ball" because it just happens to be the closest thing there.

(Note: This is a very complicated explanation. This offers a better guide with visual aids, and this has links to more.)

For a better example, look at the second sentence. We have the character rounding a corner, and a hand grabs the cold steel at his waist. While we can assume that it's the character's own hand that's doing this, it could really be anyone's, including a potential attacker. The lack of a sensible noun right before the comma (i.e., corner doesn't have hands) generates a vague mental image that's pretty much up to interpretation.

Moving right along, it feels like the focus in this piece is on how something is being said instead of what's being said. I know that's overly blunt, but I mean to say it sounds very poetic, but there's an instance here and there where it feels like you're using flowery language without really saying much at all. For example, in the first paragraph you have the sentence, "It seemed that they only thought they were proficient." However, to be proficient, you must be proficient in something. This is because "proficient" means "to be skilled in a particular field." It's literally the exact same thing as saying you're an expert but never actually mentioning what you can do. This is, of course, ignoring the fact that you never specify who is proficient, so we don't know who this sentence is talking about. As a result, it's more or less a nonsense sentence because it doesn't say anything to us.

Then, you have a number of sentences that are just fragments. Bay went over how you can turn fragments into full sentences, but I'd just like to continue on with that thought by pointing out these:

Quote:

Offering a high pitched and wavering whistle as clear footsteps reached his ears, idly stroking the dainty dratini lying across his shoulders. Earning soft draconic coo in return for his gesture, briefly nuzzling his hand before raising her head.
I can tell you wanted to heighten drama and the poetic nature of the prose by conveying your ideas in fragments, but you stop short of communicating what you mean. We can assume that the man is offering the high-pitched (yes, it's hyphenated) whistle, but it could be a device he's using (given the mention of steel), the scavengers, his footsteps, the hallway itself, something he found… it's pretty vague. Meanwhile, the second fragment is clearly about Dratini, but it feels incomplete and awkward because there really isn't much of a reason why it's a fragment in the first place. I mean, if you added a subject, you'd get the same descriptive effect, and right now, it just feels like it's missing something.

To be a bit more helpful here, fragments are typically only used in prose when the author needs to create a sense of urgency, to highlight something extremely important, or to lend a choppy, jerky feel to the narrative. The reason why is because a fragment is an incomplete thought, so there must be a reason why it's not complete – either because it's the voice of the narrator or because the information contained in that fragment has to be on its own. Here, there's really no reason.

…And this all is just the first paragraph, so I'll try to make this as quick as possible from here on out with a list-formatted bunch of notes.

1. The other three what? You don't mention any other people before this point, so the readers are left to assume that there's only Pokémon and the young man in the hallway up until that point. The other people just sort of appear out of nowhere, and you don't mention that they're actually people until you describe their clothing. (Even then, they could very well be Pokémorphs or something else for all we know.) While they might have appeared out of nowhere, the main character's reaction seems to imply that he saw them as soon as he turned the corner, but you focus first on his reaction and then on what elicited it.

2. "Come hell or high water" is a phrase that means that no matter what, you will do something, not that no matter what, you won't do it. Think of it like this: hell and high water are what are standing between you and your goals. If you're persistent enough in pursuing your goals, neither will matter to you. Hence, the idiom.

3.
Quote:

“Pity. Because, as I said,” Susannah began, “F.M. doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer. Someone might get hurt …” she added softly, her voice barely audible.
While you punctuate dialogue correctly at first (remembering to surround the tag with commas because it breaks up a complete sentence), the last portion isn't necessary. In fact, it's actually a fragment itself. The reason why is because you already have a dialogue tag, so you don't need another one. Additionally, the closing quotes (due to the presence of the first dialogue tag) signals the end of the sentence, so you end up with a phrase that really isn't attached to anything.

In simpler terms, just remember that only one dialogue tag can attach itself to each individual quote. You can't add more without splitting that quote up into different pieces – that is to say, without closing one part of the quote, sticking in a dialogue tag, and opening a new part. Or, in even simpler terms, doing something like this:

"Pity. Because as I said," Susannah began, "F.M. doesn't take 'no' for an answer." Her voice became barely audible as she added, "Someone might get hurt."

Note that each dialogue tag is associated with only one part of the quote. The original has "Susannah began" associated with all of the quote, leaving nothing left over for the second tag.

4.
Quote:

Testing the Tamer – Signaling her team to move.
A dash is not an ending mark of punctuation. In fact, it's actually the opposite: a signal that whatever comes after it must be united with the rest of the sentence, if that makes sense.

Alternatively, think of it like a colon. You don't capitalize after one of those, either.

5. A fight scene is always a nice way to open a story because it shows the readers that they can look forward to a lot of action. And hey, I can't argue with a character who threatens the people whose tails he just kicked. You also ask the right questions and entice the reader to continue. We want to know who F.M. is, who this character is, what F.M. offered to him, and how he managed to tick off this many people, among other things.

However, I must say that the fragment problem is what really hinders this piece. There's a lot of fragments running around, and you have a lot of instances where you include thoughts that aren't really related to the rest of the sentence. Example for the latter?

Quote:

Only to be slammed into the ground, a large wolf leaping from the roof above.
We're assuming that the wolf is what slammed him to the ground, but that phrase about it leaping from the roof above isn't even describing any noun in this sentence. As a result, it seems out-of-place and random, especially because the sentence reads that the character is being slammed into the ground before the wolf comes into the picture.

Beyond that, it feels like a jumble, so the fight scene just doesn't flow all that well. You avoid subjects whenever possible, which makes it a little difficult to imagine who's throwing which punch. (It doesn't really help that we're not treated to the gender of each subordinate before a blow is delivered to them, so we don't even know that the grab that the character is twisting out of is coming from a man.

Also, it doesn't really help that a lot of your descriptions are vague, so it's hard to imagine what moves characters are actually using. For example:

Quote:

He sidestepped, sliding back with their lunge. A fluid parry sending one sprawling behind him, only to flick his hand around an oncoming grab. He jerked another step back, a sharp twist earning a hiss of pain from the subordinate. Only to lash out in attack – His merciless kick to the back of the man’s knee bringing him down to size. Gleaming steel flashing in the moonlight as he tore it from the sheath, sai cupping the man’s throat. A thin red hair offering all the promise they needed.
Let's start off with the parry. A parry is simply a block. While it could refer to a fencing term, we don't know if the character is actually using any sort of weapon anyway. (There's the metal that he was handling a few paragraphs ago, but we don't know what it is. I'll come back to that in a moment.) Also, a parry doesn't necessarily lead to anything that would result in someone being thrown. It is, as I've said, quite simply a block. You can do one with your arm (by blocking a punch), your hand (by diverting a strike through pushing the arm aside or grabbing the limb and throwing the opponent), a weapon (by using the weapon to do the same thing as either your arm or your hand), or anything else you can think of. So, to say a character uses a fluid parry doesn't really say much of anything.

Then, there's the sharp twist. There's two ways to read that. The first is that the character twists the arm (which in itself is vague because it could result in a break or just an Indian burn, depending on what kind of twist is being done and the strength of the character doing it). The second is that the character turns and throws the attacker.

Side note, but "bringing him down to size" is an idiom that means "to deliver a blow to one's egotism." It's better if you just said that the man dropped to his knees or to the ground. First, that allows a reader to picture the kind of pose he's taking. Second, it avoids using a cliché in your narration.

Finally, the thin, red hair. (Note the comma in that phrase as well.) What promise is it offering? That they'll die if they screw with him? That they'll die anyway because he's a loon? That they'll regret something to do with him? Again, while your mileage may vary when it comes to flowery prose, never ever sacrifice meaning for it. If you insert anything into a story, it must say something rather clearly at the same time. Otherwise, it doesn't lend anything to the story, so it ends up feeling superfluous.

All of this together just means that the fight scene was rather vague. It's important in action sequences like these to be as clear as possible when it comes to who's doing what and what they're doing because that moment is reliant on those actions. Your reader needs to be able to picture what's going on in order to feel engrossed in your story and to experience that moment when they feel as if they're right there, watching the action. If you start going vague, you're not producing a fast-paced flow. Rather, you're slowing the reader down as they try to figure out what's going on.

Overall, don't get me wrong. It would definitely work as a prologue because, as I've said, you ask the right questions and have the right ideas. After all, you're opening with a fight scene. Fight scenes are dynamic, which means they make the reader want to keep going. After all, if Exposition Central – that is, the beginning of a fic – starts off exciting, then that says a lot about what else they can expect from here on out.

However, you've really got to work on how you deliver your content. Avoid fragments unless you absolutely need them, be careful with your dependent clauses, and most importantly, don't be vague. If you have a flowery sentence that says absolutely nothing or comes off as a jumble of words, that's the worst thing you can do. It causes your prose to come off as pretentious, and it turns a reader off if they can't really get a grasp of what's going on.

Good luck with future work, however. I know that you want to learn, so I do have a sense of hope for what you can do. You just need to push yourself to work beyond the safety zone of incomplete thoughts, if that makes sense.


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 2:12 AM.


Like our Facebook Page Follow us on Twitter © 2002 - 2018 The PokéCommunity™, pokecommunity.com.
Pokémon characters and images belong to The Pokémon Company International and Nintendo. This website is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Nintendo, Creatures, GAMEFREAK, The Pokémon Company or The Pokémon Company International. We just love Pokémon.
All forum styles, their images (unless noted otherwise) and site designs are © 2002 - 2016 The PokéCommunity / PokéCommunity.com.
PokéCommunity™ is a trademark of The PokéCommunity. All rights reserved. Sponsor advertisements do not imply our endorsement of that product or service. User generated content remains the property of its creator.

Acknowledgements
Use of PokéCommunity Assets
vB Optimise by DragonByte Technologies Ltd © 2023.