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Neptune Vasilias February 28th, 2011 12:46 AM

Diamond of Poetry
 

Diamond of Poetry




Welcome!


Hi, this is my first time around the Poetry forums. I like writing and reading poetry. I'm not very good at poetry and I hope to learn from everyone else here in PC. :)

I wrote this poem for my Literature class as each student had to write a poem based on the theme "Nature and the Environment." The poem is titled "Changing Seasons". :D

Changing Seasons

The birds began to sing,
As winter melts into spring.
Trees bud and flowers bloom,
Leaving no trace of winter's gloom.

As the summer sun arrives,
Temperature levels rise.
During this time, people go on a holiday,
To the beach, bay or a luxury chalet.

The weather gets colder,
As autumn draws nearer.
Brown leaves fall off, as light as a feather,
Where they land is unpredictable as the weather.

Winter grips the land with jaws of a steel vice,
The earth is covered in glacial glossy ice.
From the dark gloomy sky,
Fall frozen teardrops of ice.

I hope you like it and give me critical feedback on it. :D


Rai February 28th, 2011 8:36 PM

Other than some awkward rhymes, this poem is very good :3 It's simple but so true. It flows very nicely, just like the changing seasons~

TJgamer February 28th, 2011 8:52 PM

I'm completely with Rai on this.
Some lines are a tad unusual, but pretty much everything else is great.
Your teacher better give this a good grade.

Oh, and welcome to the Poetry section!

Neptune Vasilias March 1st, 2011 1:58 AM

@Rai: Thank you for your honest feedback!

@TJGamer: Haha, my teacher gave me an A for it. xD

@To whom it may concern(especially those who read this thread of mine): I'm might have a poem up by the end of the week or earlier, so stay tuned! :D

Regeneration March 1st, 2011 4:03 AM

Quote:

Where they land is unpredictable as weather.
^ That would sound better if it would have been, Where they land is unpredictable as the weather.

Quote:

Falls frozen teardrops of ice.
Since teardrops is in the plural, falls must be changed to fall.

I must say that you did a good job on maintaining the rhythm, even though the rhyme was slightly messed up at a few places.

Neptune Vasilias March 1st, 2011 5:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Regeneration (Post 6486250)
^ That would sound better if it would have been, Where they land is unpredictable as the weather.

Since teardrops is in the plural, falls must be changed to fall.

I must say that you did a good job on maintaining the rhythm, even though the rhyme was slightly messed up at a few places.

Thanks for pointing that out to me and for your criticism! I've corrected my mistakes and hope to continue improving. :)

TJgamer March 1st, 2011 9:44 AM

Don't worry. You'll improve. I know it.
And congrats on the "A". :cer_smile:

Neptune Vasilias March 2nd, 2011 1:05 AM

The Man in Black

Who is he? The man in black.
The air around him is cloaked in mystery.
On the pavement, his shoes make a click-clack.
He dresses richly, but not gaudy.

Constantly watching silently,
Nothing he does ever taunt.
His agile movements are stealthy,
And he's always in a suit that's gaunt.

No one knows who he is,
Or guess why he's always there.
But everyone knows this,
He's a Madrigal, so better beware.

This poem was inspired by one of my favourite book series, "The 39 Clues." It's based on a mysterious character, nicknamed by the main characters as the Man in Black. :)

TJgamer March 2nd, 2011 1:22 AM

I don't think I have heard of "The 39 Clues".
This poem is still splendid.
Some rhymes don't seem to work well. Such as Mystery and Gaudy.
The idea is very mysterious. Really makes readers curious.
Speaking of which, why not enter it in the Poem of the Week contest? The theme is Mystery.

Neptune Vasilias March 2nd, 2011 1:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TJgamer (Post 6488107)
I don't think I have heard of "The 39 Clues".
This poem is still splendid.
Some rhymes don't seem to work well. Such as Mystery and Gaudy.
The idea is very mysterious. Really makes readers curious.
Speaking of which, why not enter it in the Poem of the Week contest? The theme is Mystery.

Why thank you! Yes, I try to made it as secretive as possible as the Man in Black's personality is also secretive. Oh you should read it, it's a exciting series. This year, they're releasing another volume as a sequel to where they stopped. If you're a speed reader, you'd be able to finish the whole 10 books in less than a month. :)

Oh Poem of the Week? I'm not sure if I'm good enough, everyone there seems like an expert. But I'll take your word and try. At least I've nothing to lose, right? XD

Neptune Vasilias March 16th, 2011 1:21 AM

The Night They Were Born

Embodiments of the events that happened that night,
They were resurrected by the phoenix of light.

One with unmeasurable power that's immense,
It runs with fiery intense.

One able to cast thunderbolts at will,
It zips through the sky with shocking skill.

One that runs with the wind,
Purifying water and making it clean.

I know it's kinda short. >.<' Anyways, you might have guessed already, its about the Legendary Beasts. Feedback people! :)

TJgamer March 16th, 2011 6:37 PM

I don't have much to say about this one.
But...it's just...good. Not awesome, but still, very good!
I enjoyed it a lot. Keep up the great work!

Neptune Vasilias April 12th, 2011 1:37 AM

Sun and Moon
Heaven's blazing left eye,
Burning high up in the sky.
Through the rain, sunbeams seep,
Painting a colourful ribbon-like strip.

Heaven's right eye of cooling blue,
Illuminating against a nightly hue.
Twinkling teardrops around its lashes,
Sparkling like diamonds with gentle flashes.

When the paths of both eyes intertwine,
The Earth becomes a void of sunlight and moonshine.
The balance of both opposites must remain,
Or else the forces of darkness and chaos will reign.

My poem portraying the sun and the moon and their effects when together. Polar opposites and the reason why they are balanced in nature. Sorta like yin and yang, get what I mean?

TJgamer April 12th, 2011 1:44 AM

I understand what you mean, and you are so right! This is a very well written poem! I really loved it!
The details are beautiful, the rhyming is clever, and the whole idea is wonderful!
And I do like it when I see both the sun and moon in the sky.

Neptune Vasilias April 18th, 2011 3:39 AM

The Art of Talent-less
Lines and swirls in a painting,
Only give me misunderstanding.
A mental image I think,
Can’t seem to turn out in ink.

Poor sketches, shade and stroke,
The artistic ideas make me choke.
Aesthetic designs,
To them, I’m blind.

The death of a Muse is like someone who tries,
Someone who draws a picture as he quietly cries.
Harsh heavy criticism my works receive,
To be singled out by society’s sieve.


I wrote this after I decided to quit art class by the end of the year. It's my feelings of myself that I can't draw and I have no artistic talent, whatever it may be.

TJgamer April 18th, 2011 7:57 AM

Quote:

"Not everyone can be a great artist. But a great artist can come from anywhere."

from the film, Ratatouille


True, you may not have artistic talent. Maybe art class just isn't your thing.
But I believe poetry is one of your strengths. You have written good poetry so far and you still do a great job at it.

Now onto the poem.
It's message is very clear and I love it that way. The rhyming is good, however, its syllable count and rhythm is off-course. Also "designs" and "blind" don't really rhyme too well.
But I understand that you wrote this because you quit your art class. So, I understand.
Keep up the good work!

Neptune Vasilias April 18th, 2011 11:38 PM

Thanks TJGamer for trying to console me with advice. Yeah, maybe it's just not my cup of tea.

Moving on with life, I don't always do acrostic poems but I started one last night because I was inspired by the origami paper swans my sister made and crafted all around the house. I am truly amazed at the fine beauty of paper, so here's a poem on origami. ^^

Origami
Ornately crafted and designed,
Real and life-like.
Ideas formed into paper.
Grown from folds made by hands.
Artistic and aesthetically pleasing.
Magic of paper-folding.
I am just fascinated by origami!

TJgamer April 18th, 2011 11:47 PM

I really don't know too much on how a good acrostic poem is made. But never mind that.
I like it. I've seen a couple origami swans at grandmothers house. And yeah, they are pretty.
Good job!

Neptune Vasilias May 7th, 2011 8:55 AM

Starry Night Sky
Cloak of darkness, cooling and calm,
I wish I could hold it in my palm.
Adorned with sparkling jewels so bright,
Embedded with a pale pearl of light.

Dark, cobalt and midnight blue,
With puffs of a faint purple hue.
Waves of moonlight drawn above the city,
Your idea of a depicted beauty.

When your sanity started to decline,
You imprisoned in that dull confine.
You speak of it with low esteem,
But it's not worthless as you deem

Spoiler:
This poem is tribute to Vincent Van Gogh.

TJgamer May 7th, 2011 10:11 AM

I can see why you love the artist so much. I've seen some of his works and they are just wonderful! Especially "Starry Night".
It's cool how your poem describes both the person and his work. And that's mighty impressive.
Nothing really needs fixing, so that's all I have to say.
Very well done!

Neptune Vasilias May 23rd, 2011 12:36 AM

Exams
It was the pre-war night,
I slept feeling undaunted.
I dreamt scenes of imaginary fight.
Time passed and soon, it had started.

So I armed myself and headed into the battlefield,
With only a supply of knowledge and a strong will.
Holding a book as a shield,
And wielding my sword with skill.

They came in hordes, they came by the dozens.
But I stab and slash through every one of them.
I did not give up nor fumble my actions.
Through and through, I was almost done.

I saw the giant, its footsteps sounded its entrance before.
It was horrible, destructive and terrorising.
I dealt the finishing blow that would end this war.
Then the teacher announced, "Stop writing."

TJgamer May 23rd, 2011 7:20 AM

This poem is just...awesome. I love it a lot
The metaphor between an exam and an actual war works very well.
The rhythm and rhyming aren't perfect, but I still found them enjoyable. I can't really point out any details here, but still.
Great job!

Neptune Vasilias June 4th, 2011 8:33 PM

Dance of the Dragons
There was a humming in the air, a rhythmic beat.
They started off, slowly in sync.
A silent bond, an unsaid connection.
Mirroring each other, neither had to think.

He was as golden as the blazing sun with majestic wings.

She was sleek blue with eyes that made the clouds not fair.
Together they looped and intertwined around each other,
As they soared and glided in the air.

Winds howled past them, seeming to cheer them on,

As they shot upwards to the ether of the sky.
In the stratosphere, their eyes locked in a gaze.
That said, “Forever together, you and I.”

They return to the earth as fast as they left it.

As if on cue, both started to spin at the speed of sound.
Two dragon tornadoes, golden orange and turquoise blue.
In an endless cycle, an ancient ritual, going round and round.

Then the sky turned overcast and foreboding.

Clouds became shrouds and shades of ominous purples.
Tiny raindrops showered and poured down,
Causing the lake nearby to erupt in ripples.

The dragons took off and sought refuge in a cave.

He unfurled his wings to shelter her
From the drops of water that might splash in.
She leaned against his body in the moment’s spur.

By the time the storm passed, they were fast asleep.

Their earlier dance, a ritual of faith and love, an act.
Tails coiled, wings draped and eyes closed.
In their minds, both dragons sealed a promise and a lifelong pact.


Some images which I found on Google and thought that they somewhat fit this poem. :)

Poetry Notes:
Spoiler:
Gosh, it seems that this poem is the first romantic poem I've written. So well, it may not be as good as the rest. XD And I used dragons over other creatures and beings as I find that dragons are mystical with their magic and it suits my idea of having a ritual of some sorts to bring out both partners' love and faith. Like a marriage, if you will.

TJgamer June 4th, 2011 10:51 PM

That's actually a pretty clever idea for poetry. I really enjoyed it.
Any criticisms? Well, I didn't appreciate how long each line is and how they were a little uneven. Making it's flow hard to follow.
I do like how you described the events. It makes it easy for us to visualize it in our minds.
Overall, you did a very good job on this one!
I give it a definite thumbs up!

Neptune Vasilias June 8th, 2011 4:41 AM

Water

Invaluable,
Essence of earthly beings,
Precious source of life.

Through the rays of light,

Like a prism breaking up,
The rainbow's colours.

Creator of rain,

Lakes, seas, oceans and ponds,
It makes the sky blue.

Torrential waters,

Raging floods upon the earth,
Anger drowns the land.


This is my first time constructing a haiku. Much critique would be loved. :)

Human Canvas
Painfully-placed lines,
Carefully-drawn strokes.
Secluded from the world,
A piece of art is born.
Every line, stroke and drawing,
Holds deep dark memories.
A palette of turmoil and emotions.
Rare high-quality grade paint,
Colours the voids of lines and curves,
Trickling smoothly unlike any other brand.
Vibrant vermilion and mellow maroon,
Copious crimson and striking scarlet.
The colours dry, leaving behind fierce scars
To be forever left as a mark of suffering,
A symbol of depression.

If anyone can guess what the topic this free-verse poem is addressing, that I salute you. I used to be like the artist in the poem, but I got over it a few years back. :)


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