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olih's poems
Hi there, I'm pretty new to poetry, so my writing's going to be bad at first. But hey, everything has to start somewhere right? I first started getting into poetry a bit in 6th grade, which is when I wrote my first poem, Day of Blue. I am workng on a second poem right now, called Fire. I'm trying to make Fire very detailed and meaningful, so it might be some time before it's finished. If you can and want to, could you please review my poems and offer some criticism on them? Thanks to all who took the time to read my these! Well, here they are:
Day of Blue- Spoiler:
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I like its creativity. And the choice of words too. They keep the poem interesting.
For being your first poem, and in sixth grade, this is very original. Now a couple flaws are its strange pattern and the US Flag reference, which I think was a bit too much of a departure from the rest of this poem. But I still liked this poem a lot! Keep up the great work! |
Thanks! I worked pretty hard on it, and even though I say it myself, it does sound pretty cool. Now 'Fire' is probably going to be totally different. Fire's turning out to sound like some sort of sacrificial chant...
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Oh wow, you wrote that in 6th grade? =O I will keep this in mind as I review.
- First off, I would highly suggest to get rid of the underlining. It's a bit unnecessary. - Remember that poetry flows. I wouldn't capitalize the letter just because it's the first line. Think of your lines as connected unless punctuation states otherwise. It helps with reading it, too. - I would get rid of some unnecessary words, i.e. Quote:
- Repetition. In poetry, think of every word you use. Each word is significant and has an impact, unlike prose. So when you write things such as, Quote:
I also agree with what TFgamer mentioned. The US flag does seem out of place in the whole imagery. Overall, I think the the premise of the poem is beautiful. I don't have any problem with the title or meaning. What I do think will help it is to reword some of the things in there that sound a bit plain, and find new ways of describing this 'blue.' For style, you can try indenting some lines, too. Experiment with that. Read your own poem outloud, have others read it outloud for you. Of course, you wrote this in 6th grade so I'm still pretty impressed with the imagination. You can make this so much better with revision now, and I sincerely hope you visit it again. =D |
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