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Man-Eater Bugs
the ruins are empty
bare bones of a city all those who were here we shall meet no more them a halo of poison surrounds them where plenty and light did abound off to the east pennants on the walls of castles back to the basics man goes in the end end entropy calls; dust back to dust end not forever; more of the same iron back in the forge weapons back in their hands charging and yelling cross our ruined land of hope hope perpetual, everlasting hope t’was thought it would fix everything evacuated, we look down on the earth with longing and regret and see insects slaying man look you may see us there in the night look for our works are gone; we despair left to you are our words only earth was home: we searched the stars but nothing could we make of them unforgiving, cruel to the last them of a home you cannot demand we are your future lest you change your ways and you take care of her sealed we are decided now --- So, totally random "poem" here. Spoiler:
No idea what it means other than that, so feel free to try and work a coherent meaning into it yourselves. :D |
There are times where I hate to be honest. And this is one of them.
Now this isn't a bad poem, but not too great either. The concept is interesting and all, but it's the grammar that's pretty off. A lot of sentences seem to be cut off in the middle and continue in the next line. This causes it to lose it's rhythm and pattern. The structure is pretty good. It's new to me and I appreciate it. Bottom line, it's not that good, but certainly not terrible. Just keep practicing and you'll do awesome! :cer_wink: |
I'm taking a bit of poetic license here; the grammar may be "pretty off" because of my inserting lines every six syllables or so, but that's poetry for you. If I decide I'm going to have six syllables on each line, I may choose to chop a sentence to bits and put it on the next line. It's been done before and I'm sure it'll be done again.
The other thing that you mention is its lack of rhythm. I wrote this in terms of syllables per beat, without thinking about how it would be to read. If you pronounce each syllable separately, as is intended, the rhythm will probably sound better. In regards to structure, I do believe I invented it while writing Man-Eater Bugs. Feel free to prove me wrong on this. I've never seen a book with the title "this is how to write poetry" and I'm sure that if there was such a book it would probably have the disclaimer "this is by no means the only way, but it is a way and it works" or something along those lines. Yes, I know I can improve. To be honest, I wrote this on a whim with no story in mind. It's the result of spontaneity and should be treated as such. However, if you want me to listen to your "criticism", I would much appreciate you pointing out those places in my poem that you find hard to read. |
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Anywho, I agree with TJgamer for the most part. Some of the parts didn't make any sense, especially this one: Quote:
Evacuate, we did Looking down on Earth, Full of longing and regret, We see insects slaying men All in all, its not bad. Its not great either. There are obvious mistakes, and maybe you could point out the reason why capitalization isn't used? |
Sorry to intrude here, but...
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Anyways, now to the review. Real quick, I'm not that great with poetry and I still can't get my head over the rhythm and such, but I'll do my best to mention what is good and what needs work. I too quite like the structure here. Makes some of the parts very intense, like this: Quote:
I was a bit confused over the concept until you mention it in the spoiler, and it's quite interesting and I think you did fine presenting it in poem form after rereading the poem a couple more times. I have to agree that there are some parts that may need some revision. Zeffy already mentioned one of them, but I'll pinpoint a couple more. Quote:
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The capitalization thing is while I do see poems where capitalization is disregarded, that happens for a reason. You don't have to change the poem to fit the capitalization rules, I'm just curious also the reason behind that. Overall, I actually think this is a good poem despite you writing this on a whim, but it could use some polishing. It has potential to be great though once you work on it more! |
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If you were to say that you didn't understand what this poem was about, I would have to respond by saying that I didn't either, at the start, and had to make it up as I went. Please do note that I also put "poem" in quotation marks in my original post. I was trying to say that I didn't think it was a particularly good poem. Continuing on the criticism note, I put said word in quotation marks because, as Bay said, I would like some examples of exactly what he thought was bad and an explanation of why. His review was (in my opinion) somewhat unhelpful. I'm quite happy for people to "be honest" with me (even "brutally honest"!) and tell me what they think of my poem - but I want them to tell me why they think that and give examples. I very much appreciate you doing so. Now, as to why I had that stanza the way I did: Quote:
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The meaning may become more clear if you consider it as "evacuated, we look down on the earth longing and regret and see insects slaying man". I actually had "insects playing man" there originally, as in "man playing at being God", but changed it after Misheard Whisper said "OH MY GOD, I see insects playing, man!" and it became too amusing to leave as "playing". I'm thinking about changing it back. I'm afraid the lack of capitalisation was a stylistic choice entirely. I wrote it with capitals but removed them later. If you like you can add capitals and see if it reads any better. xD Quote:
But yeah, thanks for reviewing my poem. Quote:
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I'll have to think of another way to do that because, while it got your attention, it seems to have confused people. xD Quote:
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The "sealed" is a bit out of place there, thinking about it properly. The general meaning of that stanza was meant to be "we're yer future unless ya pull yer socks up and take care of Earth, it's pretty much sealed", but, as I said, thinking about it properly it doesn't work well. Probably partially because I deliberately left out a lot of punctuation. I'll rewrite that last stanza at some stage. Thanks for pointing that out. xD Yep, it definitely needs work, I agree with you guys on that and will probably get to it at some stage tomorrow. Thanks for the reviews! Zeffy, TJgamer: Spoiler:
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I'm sorry for my vague review. I should have pointed out more specific flaws.
No hard feelings? |
Heh, no hard feelings.
But did you have any particular examples? Because that would be helpful. xD |
Well, some capitalization would have been a good idea. It makes the poem look more neat.
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Also there's little to no punctuation. Commas and periods would be helpful to have this poem more organized. That's pretty much what else I have to say about it. If you need any help with anything, just say the word. :cer_smile: |
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Those two stanzas are meant to be read like Quote:
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In my opinion, putting commas and full-stops (and capitalisation!) in would ruin the poem, but here's what it would look like with them. Quote:
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