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Bang
The cold steel shines through the night
The bullets within contain malicious might The hand holding it, calm and still The soul wielding it, aiming to kill The feet that pound against the concrete The soul that runs away from its defeat The two are alone in the shroud of evening The sound that would soon cause grieving The thud as a body hits the floor The smirk on the killer's face, hoping to kill more |
I'm sure Poe would be pleased with this one.
It's dark, smooth, and fantastic! I especially like how pleasantly creepy the ending is. :cer_laugh: Great job! |
Thanks! I guess I'll write another....
Blood: Flashes of darkness Streaks of red Gleams of hate Tears of love Bloody Night The Shining Death The Cold Whisper The three and the one The One that's dead The other that hates Another that loves A third watching But invisible to the others Collecting the soul Watching the battle Between the two others Collecting the other soul Before vanishing Without a trace There is only one One shaking, sweating One screaming, crying One staring at the scene Around them. Scared. Frightened. Insane. A gun. A shot. Then there were none. |
"But invisible to the others"
this line feels like it doesn't belong with the pacing of the rest of the poem. Decent overall writing though. Dark. keep it up. |
Both of the poems were really nice.
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First poem:
I like the rhythm of it a lot, and you definitely made the right choice putting it in all one stanza. The couplets make the poem happen in fragmented instants, each couplet another snapshot, which matches the theme of the poem well. However, there are a few points where the rhythm hitches. It's not a big deal, just one word or syllable out of place. In the second line, it's just a tad too long to fit well. You could easily fix it by altering the wording slightly to "the bullets containing malicious might", or any other way to remove a syllable but preserve your line. Lines 3 and 4 are off by one syllable, which seems a bit odd since they're parallel lines. A slight rewording could fix this, like: The hand holding it's calm and still The soul wielding it aims to kill This not only makes it flow better, but makes the action more engaging because it's a very active way to put it. There's something wrong with the eighth line. I'm not sure how to fix it, but it really sticks out as awkwardly written so I would try to rework that line. Maybe it's because you're writing to the rhyme, so you feel forced into a sentence you're not really behind. If I were you, I would honestly break the last line into two. Because the reader is used to the couplets and rhythm, if a line ends "the killer's face" like that, they'll stop and think about the last line, giving it more impact. The only other thing I have to say is that two usages of "soul" is confusing and you might want to substitute something in for one of them. --- Second poem: Honestly, this one doesn't have the charm of the first one. The first one had a nice rhythm and went along at a steady pace, while this jerks forward not like someone who's using free verse to make a point, but like someone who's using free verse to use free verse. It's hard to follow because of that. I would take your ideas for this poem and try to put it in a more readable form, thinking more about your pacing and what you're trying to accomplish with your line breaks. A line isn't broken just to be broken, it denotes the end of a thought unless there's some good reason to break at another point. You're getting there though :) |
Quote:
New Poem!! This isn't real It can't be I can't deal With what I see A body, dead Bullet wound In his head His life ruined The body, still With sheer will I call 9-1-1 Wanting to run |
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