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-   -   Bang (https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=254478)

darkpokeball June 11th, 2011 6:34 PM

Bang
 
The cold steel shines through the night
The bullets within contain malicious might
The hand holding it, calm and still
The soul wielding it, aiming to kill
The feet that pound against the concrete
The soul that runs away from its defeat
The two are alone in the shroud of evening
The sound that would soon cause grieving
The thud as a body hits the floor
The smirk on the killer's face, hoping to kill more

TJgamer June 19th, 2011 10:25 AM

I'm sure Poe would be pleased with this one.
It's dark, smooth, and fantastic!

I especially like how pleasantly creepy the ending is. :cer_laugh:

Great job!

darkpokeball June 20th, 2011 7:40 PM

Thanks! I guess I'll write another....

Blood:

Flashes of darkness
Streaks of red
Gleams of hate
Tears of love
Bloody Night
The Shining Death
The Cold Whisper
The three and
the one
The One that's dead
The other that hates
Another that loves
A third watching
But invisible to the others
Collecting the soul
Watching the battle
Between the two others
Collecting the other soul
Before vanishing
Without a trace
There is only one
One shaking, sweating
One screaming, crying
One staring at the scene
Around them.
Scared.
Frightened.
Insane.
A gun.
A shot.
Then
there were none.

Yanminator June 24th, 2011 12:21 PM

"But invisible to the others"
this line feels like it doesn't belong with the pacing of the rest of the poem.

Decent overall writing though. Dark. keep it up.

Hassan_Abdillah June 27th, 2011 6:31 AM

Both of the poems were really nice.

Oryx June 28th, 2011 1:17 AM

First poem:

I like the rhythm of it a lot, and you definitely made the right choice putting it in all one stanza. The couplets make the poem happen in fragmented instants, each couplet another snapshot, which matches the theme of the poem well. However, there are a few points where the rhythm hitches. It's not a big deal, just one word or syllable out of place. In the second line, it's just a tad too long to fit well. You could easily fix it by altering the wording slightly to "the bullets containing malicious might", or any other way to remove a syllable but preserve your line.

Lines 3 and 4 are off by one syllable, which seems a bit odd since they're parallel lines. A slight rewording could fix this, like:
The hand holding it's calm and still
The soul wielding it aims to kill
This not only makes it flow better, but makes the action more engaging because it's a very active way to put it.

There's something wrong with the eighth line. I'm not sure how to fix it, but it really sticks out as awkwardly written so I would try to rework that line. Maybe it's because you're writing to the rhyme, so you feel forced into a sentence you're not really behind.

If I were you, I would honestly break the last line into two. Because the reader is used to the couplets and rhythm, if a line ends "the killer's face" like that, they'll stop and think about the last line, giving it more impact.

The only other thing I have to say is that two usages of "soul" is confusing and you might want to substitute something in for one of them.

---

Second poem:

Honestly, this one doesn't have the charm of the first one. The first one had a nice rhythm and went along at a steady pace, while this jerks forward not like someone who's using free verse to make a point, but like someone who's using free verse to use free verse. It's hard to follow because of that. I would take your ideas for this poem and try to put it in a more readable form, thinking more about your pacing and what you're trying to accomplish with your line breaks. A line isn't broken just to be broken, it denotes the end of a thought unless there's some good reason to break at another point.

You're getting there though :)

darkpokeball July 17th, 2011 9:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Toujours (Post 6717051)
First poem:

I like the rhythm of it a lot, and you definitely made the right choice putting it in all one stanza. The couplets make the poem happen in fragmented instants, each couplet another snapshot, which matches the theme of the poem well. However, there are a few points where the rhythm hitches. It's not a big deal, just one word or syllable out of place. In the second line, it's just a tad too long to fit well. You could easily fix it by altering the wording slightly to "the bullets containing malicious might", or any other way to remove a syllable but preserve your line.

Lines 3 and 4 are off by one syllable, which seems a bit odd since they're parallel lines. A slight rewording could fix this, like:
The hand holding it's calm and still
The soul wielding it aims to kill
This not only makes it flow better, but makes the action more engaging because it's a very active way to put it.

There's something wrong with the eighth line. I'm not sure how to fix it, but it really sticks out as awkwardly written so I would try to rework that line. Maybe it's because you're writing to the rhyme, so you feel forced into a sentence you're not really behind.

If I were you, I would honestly break the last line into two. Because the reader is used to the couplets and rhythm, if a line ends "the killer's face" like that, they'll stop and think about the last line, giving it more impact.

The only other thing I have to say is that two usages of "soul" is confusing and you might want to substitute something in for one of them.

---

Second poem:

Honestly, this one doesn't have the charm of the first one. The first one had a nice rhythm and went along at a steady pace, while this jerks forward not like someone who's using free verse to make a point, but like someone who's using free verse to use free verse. It's hard to follow because of that. I would take your ideas for this poem and try to put it in a more readable form, thinking more about your pacing and what you're trying to accomplish with your line breaks. A line isn't broken just to be broken, it denotes the end of a thought unless there's some good reason to break at another point.

You're getting there though :)

Uh...you're right. The second one I wrote just to practice Freeverse, so I rushed it and simply hoped it would work.

New Poem!!

This isn't real
It can't be
I can't deal
With what I see

A body, dead
Bullet wound
In his head
His life ruined

The body, still
With sheer will
I call 9-1-1
Wanting to run


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