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Astinus March 6th, 2013 4:48 PM

Share your writing!
 
Because I'm procrastinating against doing my own writing!

Got a story you're currently working on? Share it here! If it's for a story that's posted here and you don't want to spoil it, just use spoiler tags and warn. Only post a part of what you're working on. This isn't a thread for complete works.

Ready, go!

Cutlerine March 7th, 2013 2:37 AM

Hey, doesn't this thread deserve more exclamation marks than that?

Anyway... I hear a distant sound: that of a ball beginning to roll. This is the beginning of something I've written in two different ways so far but am still not happy with. There's this - what I like to call the Kadabra Version - and another, the Parasect Version. One day, perhaps these will be continued. Until then... I suspect not.

I call it BRAAAIINS! I Mean, an Automortography. A silly conceit, but it appeals to me because, well, I am silly.


The first thing I was aware of when I woke up was I.

That probably doesn't mean all that much to you, I know, but bear with me. It's difficult for me to put it down in words – I'm still getting used to using them, I'm afraid. It hasn't been easy to adapt, but then again, it's been pretty damn far from easy for everyone.

All right... Let me try and explain. Before... all this, I wasn't I. I was part of a great big we. That's how it is for us, usually. The individual is nothing in our society, because our minds aren't separate like yours. We don't have those strange boundaries and defences you erect at the corners of your psyches; we flow through each other, sharing memories, feelings, thoughts – all with such total freedom that we often don't even notice we're separate organisms. It was an old saying of ours that God made just one of us, but gave us a thousand hands to work with.

You'll notice the past tense. Was. The thing is, it probably still is.

I just don't know any more, because I'm no longer part of the Great Mind. For the first time in my life, I'm me.

And that's the first thing I was aware of when I woke up.

I sat up – I, not one of our bodies but I – and looked around. I was sprawled on hard concrete near a wall – in an alleyway, by the look of things. Some bin bags had burst a short way away, scattering rubbish over the paving-stones. The sun shone brightly down on my little alley, and all around me the world was quiet and at peace.

I raised my hands and looked at them, watching them tremble. I was moving them, I thought. Of my own free will. I clenched them into fists and uncurled them again, watching the fur shift on my knuckles.

What happened to me?

Oddly, it didn't feel as lonely as I thought it should. After all, I was one mind alone in the psychic landscape; by rights I should have felt terrified. But no. Instead, I felt... calm. As if this were somehow something normal – and indeed I supposed it was. Most of the world's animals had their own minds. I had previously been in a minority.

Is this how humans feel?

I couldn't quite get over it. I was me, and... and that was not frightening, just unusual. The fact revolved in my mind like a gem in a display case, and I examined it from all sides with the dispassionate eye of a scientist. A slew of theories flashed through my mind – this calm was a reflex designed to protect me from madness in case of disconnection from the Great Mind; it was a by-product of insanity resulting from said disconnection; it was the feeling that was supposed to overcome one shortly before death – but I shut them out. Now was not the time for that kind of speculation; without the resources of the Great Mind at my disposal, I was only a few times more intelligent than the average human, and I had no idea what the limits of my consciousness were. I didn't want to damage it through overexertion.

All right, I said to myself. So I'm me, now. That's all right. I can deal with it. I am a creature of near-infinite understanding and sagacity.

I breathed deeply for a while, eyes closed. When I opened them again, I knew it was fine. There was no we, only I, and all was right with the world. Whatever the cause of my dislocation from the Great Mind, I was me, and for whatever reason that fact had not destroyed my mind.

Now I began to take stock of my situation a little. My psychic Eye didn't seem to be functioning – perhaps I had lost that ability too, I didn't know – but I still had a sharp sense of smell, good eyesight and excellent hearing, and those three senses combined gave me a fairly comprehensive picture of my surroundings. I smelled something rotting nearby, and heard the clatter of pigeon wings somewhere above me.

I frowned. That was all? Just pigeon wings? I listened harder, but there was nothing else – no footsteps, no cars, no music. The city was almost entirely silent.

A chill ran down my spine and I registered it with interest – personal fear was something new to me.

It only took me a second to decide I didn't like it.

Shivering, I stood up, preparing to leave the alley and investigate – but as I turned, my eye fell onto something red on the wall I had been sitting up against, and I froze.

A few feet from the ground was a dark red stain, and running down from it was a huge crimson smear, terminating in a large blot on the ground.

I did not need to sit back down to know that the stain was level with where my head had been. I also did not need to sniff the air to work out what the dark red substance was, but I did so anyway, and was answered by a sharp iron smell.

Swallowing – fear was potent stuff, I realised distantly – I reached up to the back of my head, and—

And then I remembered.

It all made sense. The head injury had shaken my memory up a little, of course – in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I'd shed a few hundred IQ points; I certainly seemed to be operating on a human level now – but I at least knew what had happened.

For you see, about three hours ago I had been cornered by a pack of ravening zombies, and together they had chewed through the back of my head and eaten part of my brain.

---

This did not surprise me. You have to realise this. Despite the fact that I had no memory of much before the incident – an occupational hazard of severe brain trauma, I understand – I did remember that much. I didn't know why zombies had attacked me, or where they had come from, or why they hadn't stayed to finish me off – but I knew that they were the cause of my unconsciousness.

Also, that I was presently undead.

All right, so I'm dead, I told myself, and waited for the panic.

None came.

This was a faint surprise, but given the circumstances, rather welcome. Becoming conscious of my own individuality, dying and coming back to life all in one day was enough to think about for now without a helping of shock to go with it.

I let out a long, shaky breath and leaned against the wall.

Well, well, well, I murmured. This is peculiar. Then again, I suppose the undead aren't generally too worried about their state of existence. Perhaps it's a side effect of the zombification process.

I stopped there. Unchecked speculation was foolish; after all, part of my brain had been eaten. I would have to take it easy on the thinking until I had some way of assessing my abilities in that area. Instead, I turned my thoughts to the problem of my next move.

Well, I said, what now?

I was in the middle of an unknown human city, apparently alone save for – if my sense of smell hadn't failed me – some older and more rotten undead somewhere in the distance; given my current condition, I probably didn't need to eat or drink, which simplified matters, but I had some questions that I felt demanded answers. 'Why are there zombies?' was a prominent one, and 'Where can I get some brains?' was another.

I paused. Wait. What was that last one?

Where can I get some brains?

I was certain that wasn't something I'd thought of consciously, but now that I did think of it, brains would be delightful right about now. Soft, delicious, melt-in-the-mouth brains, scooped fresh from the cranium and slurped from the braincase, picked apart and eaten piece by delicious piece: medulla, hypothalamus, cerebellum, amygdala...

Brains, I said aloud, beginning to salivate. Brains. Braaaaiins.

The idea took root. There was nothing in the world except me and the squidgy grey lump of flesh that lies between the ears. A thin mist descended on my vision, and I raised my muzzle and howled at the sky like my canine ancestors.

BRAAAIIINS!

The psychic shout split the air and sent pigeons scattering overhead. I snarled, imagining their tiny heads, the splodges of sweet sentient tissue within their skulls, and ran out into the street. Brains. Brains. I had to have brains. There were brains to be had somewhere, and they were destined for my mouth.

All around me were the silent husks of crashed cars and twisted bicycles; elegant houses rose on either side, but my nose told me they were devoid of living meat and so they might as well have not existed. I howled again, this time in fury – where were the ****ing brains? – and started off down the street, drawing in vast sniffs of air with every breath, searching for that magical scent, that glorious bloody organic odour—

There. There, behind those bins. Something was moving, and if it was moving it had to have a brain—

I dropped instinctively into the hunting position, on all fours, and charged them like a wolf, my back arching and flexing with more exercise than it had seen in years – in my entire life – and in a flash I was leaping a dead motorbike, and smashing a dustbin out of the way with my head, and now I was flying through the air, jaws wide, claws forward—

—and with a dull thump I smacked into decaying flesh, and the zombie I had leaped at fell to the pavement, wailing piteously in surprise and anguish.

I paused. Rational thought returned. What was I thinking? I, a civilised being, attacking an ambulatory human corpse with the sole idea of eating its brain? I regarded the necrotic creature beneath me with disgust. It (well, technically he, but I shuddered at the thought of treating it as an equal) was badly decayed, intellectually lower than a Sandshrew, and all in all not worth the effort.

Besides, I said to myself, his brain is all dead and disgusting.

This, more than anything else, broke the spell, and I got back to my feet, wiping my hands carefully on the zombie's ragged coat.

Good grief, I said, looking at him. You're a disgusting creature, aren't you? You haven't even kept your brain intact. That got me thinking about brains again, but I resisted. I was not some cannibalistic monster; I lived (when I had lived) on a diet of light meats, with the occasional apple or orange.

It was at this point that I realised the zombie was climbing to its feet, and that it looked rather upset. I became very aware that I was barely four feet tall, and that it was more than six; also that one could, with basic surgical training, have fit four of my biceps into a single one of its own.

Now, I said nervously, backing away into the street, raising my hands in what I hoped was a placatory manner. There's no need for hostilities. Seriously. I wasn't going to eat your brain. I don't even want to eat your brain, not any more. I'll just be on my way, and you—

“Braaah,” moaned the beast. I had a horrible feeling that I knew what it was trying to say.

Come again? I tripped over a broken bicycle, regained my balance and kept walking. The zombie maintained its steady advance, murder in its piggy little eyes.

“Bruuu-aaayns,” it rumbled.

Oh God. I'd been right.

No, I'm sorry, you're mistaken, I told it, as earnestly as I could. No brains here. You'll notice the hole in my head. Someone already got to them— aah!

The monster lunged for me, and I turned tail and fled.

---

Five minutes later, I was beginning to enjoy my new independence from air; I felt like I could run all day and not lose my breath. Then again, I thought, I would soon begin to rot, and that would probably put an end to any future sprinting.

As it turned out, I had easily been able to outpace the zombie: it had been dead for too long to be able to pursue me at any more than a slow shuffle, and I had lost it within two minutes of the start of the chase. I had kept running through the twisted streets to be sure, though, and had stopped only when I heard something that definitely did not belong in this dead city.

Engines.

I froze, and listened again. Yes. Definitely engines – and getting louder.

Now, who could that be? I wondered. Humans... living humans. With brains! I shook my head. Forget about the brains, dammit! As well as their brains – which are, I must concede, delicious – they may also have answers to those questions you had earlier. Such as 'Where can I get some brains?' I screwed my eyes shut and thumped myself on the head. No! Not that! For God's sake, you have such a one-track mind, and – and now you're talking to yourself, I concluded lamely. Well, this is an excellent turn of events...

The engines were very close now; just around the corner, from the sound of things.

Good grief, you sound like a human, I told myself. I guess that's what you get for a hole in the head... Well, perhaps it'll help put them at ease. Come on, now. Step out into the street, say hello. Be polite; they're the ones with the answers.

I stepped out onto the street, and waved my arms.

Hello! I cried, as a battered car appeared from around the corner. Hey! Over here!

The car was moving at alarming speed, I noticed. Easily fast enough to crush me, should it hit me – and, the prospect of being smashed flat not being one I relished, I decided to keep my distance.

Hey, I know you can hear me! I yelled. This is telepathy! You've got no excuse not to—

I broke off as I saw the reason for the car's haste.

Ah, I said. Aw, ****.

I have to say that I had not, prior to my death, been particularly knowledgeable in the zombie mythos. That was a human thing; my people had no need for entertainment beyond the contemplation of abstracts, and so I don't think I had ever read a book or watched a film. I knew a fact here and there – that they craved brains, as had been so forcibly made clear to me earlier; that they were necrotic and in consequence shuffled around at a careful shamble.

I also knew that they formed hordes.

And the thing pursuing the fast-moving car was most definitely one of those.

I felt the hunger for brains returning, rising in my empty belly like a waking tiger; these people in the car had brains, luscious, living brains, and I needed those; I needed to be with my brethren, with my brothers and sisters of the horde; I had to follow the car and find the brains—

The car veered off-course towards me, and I saw the door pop open.

“Grab my hand!” screamed someone's voice from inside. “We can't stop! Grab my hand—!”

It sped closer. I stared at the proffered hand. It looked... surprisingly juicy. God, had humans looked that way before? I'd never noticed. I could sink my fangs into that and...

I slapped myself, hard, and grabbed onto the hand with both claws.

For one brief moment, I was flying towards a wondrous sentient buffet—

—and then I was crumpled on the back seat of the car, concentrating hard on not splitting open my saviour's skull and sucking the sweet nectar out from within. It was a good thing, I thought, that my telekinesis appeared to have been generated from the part of my brain that had been eaten, or I would have probably splattered my newfound friends over the inside of their car in my eagerness to taste the inside of their heads.


That's all I've got of it, and potentially all I ever will. Huh. We'll see.

F.A.B.

Adin Terim March 7th, 2013 12:06 PM

Well that was certainly interesting. Hive mind and zombies, never seen that combination before. I'm going to guess that the person that saved our intrepid hero is a zombie also seeing as the someone said my and the fact that they didn't use telekinesis.

Zombies, give a person individuality one brain at a time. And the quickly taking it away.

I;d write more but i have a head ache.I don't know whether to thank you or curse you as reading this has made my head ache worse. Reading each line was great to read and engrossed my mind, but each line on the screen also made my eyes hurt worse. So thanks/f you. ( No really, I even wrote most of this with my eyes closed and probably should go to bed x\ )

Volcanix769 March 8th, 2013 12:00 PM

Ahhh, I'm not good at writing one-shots and every sentence, so here's one I got.

"I was once an unassuming Shuppet doll that no one wants to take or have their clinging desires for. They don't want a badly drained, blank face doll like me. I was sealed in a state of muteness, as no one noticed my internal, bottled up frustration and my dark despair to the whole world.

It was once a spring afternoon in Virbank City. I recalled it as a busy yet exhilarating day. Various chatter and other joyful noises reached their way towards the Pokémon Megastore nonstop I took a glimpse at the sun that was shining through the windows. I could observe every detail that's around my immobile state, and that's very special.

The only time where I would be happy was when various customers would race into the store like if a burst of energy was pulsed into their minds. They would quickly take their desired things in a heartbeat and call this store the best one there was in countless years.

But I recall that one day, on the 12th of June. That day was my breaking point. I saw one boy come into the store. He had a joyful look on his face that gave me a curious feel. He lightly emitted out a few awes while he gazed around the expansive area. The female worker with an apron on her blue shirt walked to the boy. She kneeled down and rubbed his bushy brown hair.

"Hey, little guy," she greeted happily, "Is there anything you want?"

All of a sudden, the door was flung open, releasing an alarming bang; some of the novelties clatter nonchalantly. All of us quickly looked at the door, but it was his mother. She had a tired look on her face. Not only that, but she roughly tried to breathe, but it came out as a ghastly sound that frightened us.

"Mama! I want that doll, that doll," the boy yelled. He identified me with his finger. He jumped anxiously with his excitement coursed in his little body.

The mother's hair jumped up alertness as she spoke, "Ok, ok. Try to get that, ok?"

The boy happily skipped along the sleek pavement on the floor towards me. I was very excited to finally leave this store where no one wanted to take me as their friend. But he took a glimpse at my meaningless gaze. As he scampered back nervously, his hopes were dropped. His face slowly turned into a gloomy expression. Tears quickly rushed down from his face and faintly dripped on the floor.

Soon enough, his face lighted up into a deep shade of red; the green disgust that streamed out of his nostrils really made me disgusted.

"Mama! I want the other one! Mama," the boy whined loudly. His mother dashed towards her unsettled child and pats his back gently. The light pats that were massaging his pain soothingly eased it away.

The mother calmly said, "There, there. Let's get you the other big Minccino Doll ok?"
Once I heard that, that really grinded my gears. I was in a state of alertness as it loudly echoed in my mind with its faint messages. I hated that doll with a deep and excruciating passion. Everyone would ignore me like I don't exist and these morons wanted to take that one since it looked "infatuating".

Its gleaming, bug sized eyes gave me a nauseous feel that made my body ache with such an intense pain inside myself that made me want to regurgitate out my cotton, though I'm not an real animal. Its creepy smile really made me an intriguing thought, along with its light fur that made it over the top with its shiny looking appeal. As soon as I saw those two purchase that monstrosity and left, my frustration towards that doll cleared.

I always got ignored by those inconsiderate customers. That's one thing that made my mind like a tricky puzzle. Every time, I laid my yellow eyes on them obsessively buying other dolls like if they were a pack of hungry wolves. It would irk me when I heard them call them call them "cute", "adorable", or "cozy". It would create a furious cloud that rained on my self-esteem with loud thunder that cracks inside."

Daydream March 8th, 2013 5:01 PM

Cutlerine, I'm somewhere between highly disturbed, wanting to vomit, and incredibly entertained by what you have there. It was peversely pleasing to read.

Volcanix, you're exploring something I've always been intrigued in. I'd like to see where it's going, and if it's where I think it's going, if it's something you're continuing.

This is part of a little something I've been working on lately. I was going to write it as a one-shot, but then I had many FANTASTIC IDEAS that my brain refused to let go of. Hopefully I'll get it finished and won't procrastinate constantly.

This is the first 1,400 words-ish.
---

The clouds were thick and grey, they blotted out the sky. Rain poured from them in torrents, preventing the concrete ground from drying at all. Talia watched from her window the streets of Castelia city below, and listened to the drumming of the raindrops, and occasional rumble of thunder. She sat on her wide window-seat, looking through the glass and towards the docks. She lived in a two-floor penthouse and it afforded her a stunning view of the harbour below. Recently, a grand cruise liner named the ‘S.S. Anne’ had docked along one of the piers. It was to stay for a week or so, and this meant that foreign trainers from many lands filled the city.

Talia sighed noticing a trainer running back towards the ship with a ludicolo prancing happily alongside. She was sixteen. She hadn’t been allowed to become a trainer. ‘Far too dangerous’, her father had said. Talia was desperately sick of the confines of Castelia city. However large it may have been, it was still like a prison – when Talia walked amongst the high-rises they seemed to trap and confine her. She shook herself, took another glance out of the window and then grabbed a coat from her wardrobe.

“I’m going to the café, I’ll be eating there tonight,” she called as she left the apartment. She didn’t wait for an answer.

***

Talia had been working at Café Sonata part-time for about a year now. The owner Joe, a man in his late thirties with long brown hair and dark stubble along his jaw, was happy for trainers to bring pokémon in with them and this had been what sparked Talia’s interest. Consequently, she spent a lot of time there even if she wasn’t working.

As she entered, Joe waved from behind the counter and beckoned her over.

“Hey, Tal.” Joe had a gravelly voice. “I know you’re not meant to be workin’ tonight, but Shaun called in sick. You mind pickin’ up a shift? I’ll pay you for overtime.”

She smiled. “That’s okay, Joe. I’ll work for normal rate.” She paused as she ducked behind the counter to pick up a spare apron and pad. “Busy tonight with the S.S. Anne in port?”

“Some of the more curious lot who came on the ship been comin’ in. But a lot o’the locals and other Unovans been invited to a big party they’re throwin’ on board. They’re doin’ it for the next couple of nights too.”

Their conversation broke as a group of three happy, and somewhat damp, looking trainers wandered in, chattering excitedly, with a pignite walking behind them and a pidove perched on one of their shoulders. Talia smiled as the bird Pokémon shook the water from its feathers – causing a disgruntled sound from its trainer and laughter from the trainer’s friends. She took their orders, and served them. She couldn’t help but notice how the pidove’s trainer, a girl younger than Talia, would occasionally drift out of the conversation to pet it – or simply watch it as it antagonised the pignite (by hopping back and forth from its head and shoulder).

“Tal! Order up!” Joe called. “Tal!”

Talia shook herself out of her reverie and took the order to its table. Joe noticed her unconsciously fingering a rectangular shape in one of her pockets as she returned.

He raised an eyebrow, in question. “Trainer card?”

Talia shrugged, with a half-smile. “Anyone can get one.” She sighed. “Even if they’re not given the chance to use it.”

***

Talia stretched and arched her back: the trip over Skyarrow Bridge to Wellspring Cave wasn’t an especially long one, but the school’s coach was cramped and had little leg room.

The trip was intended as both biological and geological – they were going to do a study on the cave’s indigenous wildlife and its rock formations.

“Yay. Time for rocks,” a friend muttered sarcastically, behind her.

“I hope we see some rock-types. Interesting ones, not just roggenrola,” Talia replied.

Another classmate added, “We’ll be lucky to see a sleeping woobat, probably.”

A few people chuckled at this, but Talia just frowned. As they were organised into groups, she turned on her camera, and flicked through a few photos. There weren’t many, and they were mainly shots of pokémon that had come into the café or that she had seen sparsely throughout the city. She double-checked that she had memory left to take more, and then that she had her spare memory card, as they proceeded to walk – group by group – into the cave.

Talia quickly lost interest in whatever it was their teacher was saying. She found herself peering into the darkness, her eyes searching. They were in a small cavern when Talia noticed something dart out of site, down a dark crevice. She quickly checked ahead, she was at the back of the line and everyone was filing out into a narrow tunnel, their teacher had already gone through. Talia made an impulsive decision, darting after the blur she had just seen.

The passage she jogged down was wide and dark, but Talia could still hear the flitting of wings and followed the noise. After a minute or so, she heard more sounds echoing ahead and the darkness began to recede.

Must’ve looped back round to the group, she cursed.

She kept moving ahead, regardless, and as she got closer she noted there was a tone of menace to the voices she could hear.

Strange.

When she had broken out of the dimness completely, she could hear the voices quite clearly.

They were threatening someone. “Hand them over and we won’t-”

“Wait! You hear that, Frank?”

Talia quickly ducked behind a large nearby rock formation. It sounded like two grown men.

Frank sighed. “Probably just a drilbur. Can we get on with this? He ain’t gonna give them up.” There was silence, but apparently Frank’s companion had assented non-verbally due the sounds of a scuffle Talia could hear, and another voice crying out.

“Just leave ‘im here. Let’s run.”

The sounds of running luckily faded away, but Talia still waited for a few moments before acting. Moving from behind the rock formation she scanned the cavern she had entered. Lying unmoving on the ground, half in a pool of water, was a thin and young-looking man. A pair of damaged and bent glasses had fallen on the ground next to him, he was wearing a shirt with pens tucked into the breast pocket and a clipboard had also fallen to his side. He had a black eye, and another prominent bruise along his jaw. She gently pulled the man out of the water, removing a satchel still slung over his shoulder and rested him in the recovery position. Talia picked up the clipboard; attached to it were some kind of research notes on gems and precious stones that were possible to find in the cave. Talia started to search the satchel for a trainer card or some kind of identification and found it had clearly been rifled through. It contained more of the same papers as well as a few other things: an Ultra Ball for one, which Talia was fingering when she heard a scuffling noise behind her.

A drilbur was glaring at her, and the small pokémon looked angry. It immediately began to spray dried mud in Talia’s face, causing her to close her eyes, splutter and cough. Unthinkingly, Talia tossed the sphere in her hand towards the creature and she blinkingly opened her eyes upon realising the attack had stopped. The Ultra Ball was rocking from side to side, and then stopped. It was glittering slightly, with a red glow at its centre. Talia’s eyes widened in surprise; she had just caught a pokémon.

She shook her head: now is not the time. She resumed her search of the bag and found in a side pocket what she was looking for, and something else. A ticket printed on gold-coloured paper with prominent words ‘S.S. Anne’ on it and below this, ‘Passage for One Person from Castelia City in Unova to Olivine City in Johto’. Thoughts raced through her mind. She looked from the ticket to the unconscious man next to her. She bit her lip, hard.

Pocketing the ticket, the man’s trainer card in hand, she darted off for help.

---

The plot has gone somewhere considerably darker in my head than when I started planning. Which happens with a lot of my writing lately, it seems.

icomeanon6 March 12th, 2013 11:18 PM

Very intriguing start, Daydream. It's refreshing to see a protagonist who's so morally questionable yet sympathetic right from the get-go. I'm wondering what kind of training career will follow.

***

So I've had a faint idea brewing in my head for several years about a very science-y Digimon fic, in contrast to my current Digimon fic, which is more spiritual and adventurous. It wouldn't be about a group of kids who get sent to the Digital World to save the day, but rather about the nature of the Digital World itself and of the Digimon themselves. The tentative title is Digimon 2390.

What follows isn't necessarily the beginning of the story, and mostly I'm wondering if the computer science jargon makes the thing unapproachable, so please let me know if you're lost/bored:

***

Jana was scrawling some barely-legible numbers and symbols on her tablet. These were being projected onto a screen, and fifteen undergraduates were staring at and pretending to comprehend them. Jana knew they were faking, but she didn’t care. Any one of them could have asked for clarification at any time, but they never did. They were apparently learning as much as they wanted to, and she was getting paid, so everyone was happy.

When she was finished writing, Jana said “And that’s the basic proof for solving the Travelling Salesman Problem in exponential quantum-CPU-time and polynomial real-time. Any questions?” She was almost certain that no one would ask anything, and then the students would be the professor’s problem until next week’s recitation and she could go back to her actual work in the lab.

One of them actually raised his hand. For the life of her, Jana couldn’t remember this *sshole’s name, so she pointed at him and said “You,” letting some of her annoyance slip into her tone.

The student asked somewhat sheepishly, “Do you think the universe is digital or analog?”

The rest of the class laughed, and Jana again found herself annoyed. She was annoyed at the one student for wasting her time by trying to start an irrelevant discussion, and she was annoyed at the others for not having the intellectual curiosity to honestly want any kind of discussion. The contradiction was lost on her, but mid-semester TA evaluations were coming up, so she decided to answer the question as well as she could.

“No one’s entirely sure about that. There’s lots of evidence for both sides of the argument.”

Some other *sshole interjected, “So there’s lots of evidence that we’re in the Matrix?”

There was more laughter, and Jana seethed. She couldn’t stand the types who tried to dilute scientific debate by throwing out pedestrian references to first-generation film. Pompous asses. “That’s not what the question is referring to. Of course we could always be in a simulation; the question is whether or not everything in the universe can be expressed as discrete values.”

More students started to pay attention. Perhaps there was some hope for the future. “Consider a wave for example: An analog wave is continuous, like this,”—she picked up her tablet and drew a simple sound wave—“Whereas a digital representation of a wave is composed of straight lines, which can be perfectly conveyed through integer values.” She drew a square wave overtop the original.

“Part of the question is whether actual waves in nature—which appear to be continuous—are in fact discrete, or potentially digital.”

The student who posed the question spoke up again. “Like Planck’s Constant?”

“Sort of. But remember, just because energy can be broken down and counted by quanta doesn’t mean that everything can.”

Another student raised her hand. “What difference would it make, being in a digital world as opposed to an analog one?”

Despite herself, Jana was getting invested. “For regular physics, practically none. However, if we ever plan to get humans to a star system farther than Alpha Centauri in one lifetime, we’ll need a general and implementable solution to the Hyperspace Problem, which is utterly infeasible in an analog universe.”

She had most of the students’ attention now. “How infeasible is it?” asked the one girl student again.

“The algorithm with the best run-time we have for it now is tetrational—not two-to-the-n complexity, but two-to-the-two-to-the-two n times. And even that algorithm has some fundamental flaws and could never accurately guide a ship larger than a closet.”

This raised some eyebrows. Some of them understood what unimaginably large numbers she was talking about by tetration. “However, if we were certain that the ultimate positions of atoms in space were limited to a set of discrete locations, i.e. in a way where we could perfectly represent them with integers, the problem’s complexity could be reduced to merely exponential. Exponential as in a large number to-the-n rather than two-to-the-n, albeit, but not beyond the capabilities of a powerful quantum machine.”

The clock struck 3:20, so most of the students grabbed their bags and headed for the door. Thus ended the illusion of Jana’s having students who cared about learning. “If the topic interests you,” said Jana to mostly deaf ears, “You can look into Hyperspatial Optimization Studies for after graduation.” Not that her program would accept any these deadbeats, thought Jana.

The last handful of students got up, and Jana shoved her tablet into her satchel, wondering why she even bothered. She was grabbing her notebook when she glanced up and noticed that the student who started the discussion was standing in front of her.

“Yes, uh…”

“Carson.”

“Right.” Jana hoped she wouldn’t start to actually remember names now. “Can I help you?”

“I had a few more questions about digital universes.”

Five years ago, Jana would have dropped almost anything to talk more about the subject, but now she just wanted to review the lab findings for the day and then go home. Still, TA course evaluations were coming up, and she needed the money. “Make it quick.”

“I uh…I was wondering what your thoughts are on the feasibility of simulating digital universes. Small scale, of course. Say just the size of Texas.”

“Impossible,” said Jana, which she meant as a dismissive way of saying ‘highly impractical.’

“Oh.”

Sensing some dejection in his voice, Jana decided to elaborate. “At least, it’d be infeasible to simulate anything of near-reality precision any faster than one second per year.”

“What about a universe that isn’t so much like ours: one where the physics are simpler and the minimum distance between particles is much larger?”

Jana shook her head. “It’s a fine thought experiment, but if you’re talking about actual research and programming that’s just not where the money is. It takes serious quantum computing power to do things like that, and we need to devote all those resources to stuff like the Hyperspace Problem.”

“I understand,” said Carson. He bit his lip and glanced at the clock. “Sorry to bother you.”

Carson wasted no more time in walking off. Jana stared at her satchel for a while longer. She hated having conversations like this. They brought up memories of old dreams that had done nothing but set her up for bitter disappointment.

Cutlerine April 6th, 2013 1:35 PM

Oh, now I quite liked icomeanon's little chunk of prose. I adore that sort of thing - things you can put on a board and wave at people while yelling 'Science!' at the top of your lungs.

As for your fragment, Maced, I have to say it's definitely different. There's very little to go on there, but your character looks to be something a bit different from the norm, which is refreshing. There's a bit of clunkiness in some of the wording. You repeat 'hiking up' and 'the hill' in the first two sentences, very close together, for instance; it doesn't help that the way the formatting's worked out (on this theme at least) has placed the repeated words almost right underneath one another. Little things like that do detract from it slightly - but as you said, this is just a little piece of a first draft, so I really ought to ignore that sort of thing and concentrate on the idea, and the idea is good.

Anyway, time for my story fragment. This was going to be the start of something, but I'm really not sure what Eric's story might be, so I've left it at that. As it stands, it's merely something between a vignette and half a story.



Two o'clock in the afternoon, and it is the height of the Hoennian summer. Waves roll lazily onto the beach, heaving themselves up onto the sand to break with a sigh of relief; the sun seems to swell in the sky, blotting out the blue with its brilliance. The air is still and dead, and inside the Seashore House, the only thing approximating to a customer is the lone fly that sucks greedily at a patch of spilled beer.

Nat Tanner is bored.

This is the sort of day when no sane person is even on the beach, let alone buying drinks; here, alone except for the fly (and possibly the sweat stains on the armpits of his shirt, which are, by their smell, coming close to achieving some form of microbial life), Nat is beginning to wonder whether he will have the energy to make it home once he shuts up shop. Today is hot even for Hoenn, and he is rapidly losing the will to live. Not even the endless beers he takes from the fridge can cool him; the heat seems to be a living entity, determined to grind him down and crush his head against the floor.
Even his sweat is exhausted, he thinks. It rests in languid beads on his forehead, too tired to drag itself down his brow and drop to the counter. The only thing in the entire shop that seems to be impervious to the heat is that damn fly, still buzzing its wings and racing around in that crazed way insects do.

“Christ,” he mutters, licking dry lips, “I can't take much more of this.”

Had this been a film, something would doubtless have happened at that moment to relieve the tedium: a mysterious stranger would have walked in at the door, or a beautiful girl, or screams would have been heard from the beach. But this was real life, and all that happened was that the fly settled for a moment, just long enough for Nat to think with relief that that bloody buzzing has stopped – and then took off again, circling the room in search of God knows what.

“****,” he mumbled, and dropped his sodden head into his arms.

Time dragged on, unimaginably slowly. The minute hand on Nat's watch migrated sluggishly from one extremity of the face to the other, and back around again.

And a customer arrived.

When he heard the door open, Nat almost couldn't believe it. He froze, listening hard – yes, there it was, the sound of a footstep! He heaved his head upright and beheld what he thought was a youth; he couldn't be certain under the vast quantity of soot that seemed to have settled over him. His hair was on end in ragged spikes, and patches of his clothes appeared to have been inconsiderately replaced with charcoal.

For a moment, Nat stared, and the youth stared back. Then, very slowly and deliberately, the blackened apparition made his way over to the bar and dropped into a seat.

“I...” Nat's tongue took a moment to come unstuck from the roof of his mouth. “You look like you need a drink.”

“Do I? Do I really? How monumentally ****ing observant of you,” replied the kid, with such acid in his voice as could have eaten through plate steel.

“Hm,” said Nat mildly, raising his eyebrows. He was a bartender, after all, and had heard far worse. “Seems you really need a drink.”

“Yes. Yes I do,” the kid snapped. “Like, now.”

“I.D.?”

The youth dug around in his pocket and came up with a singed wallet; from this, he withdrew a laminated card and tossed it onto the counter.

“There.”

Nat examined the card with interest. It seemed the kid was a Trainer – unusual for anyone over sixteen, really; it wasn't an easy career, and a lot of people gave up pretty soon. Evidently this guy – Eric Hawthorne, the card said – hadn't, because he was eighteen. Just old enough to drink, in Hoenn.

“All right,” said Nat. “What do you want?”

“Whiskey,” replied Eric tersely, snatching up his card and jamming it back into his wallet. “I need to get drunk enough to stop feeling pain.”

“Do you need to go to a hospital?” asked Nat, pouring the drink. “You do look a bit... burnt.”

“You really are an observant one, aren't you?” retorted Eric, soot falling in a black shower from his fringe. “Yes, I'm burned. No, I'm not going to the hospital.”

“Nothing injured but your pride, then,” murmured Nat under his breath, placing the whiskey before him and watching with interest as he tried and failed to drink it in one go. Not an experienced drinker, it seemed. When he was sure Eric had finished coughing, Nat asked if he wanted another; the youth nodded, and Nat complied. “So,” he said, as he placed it on the bar, “how did... that” – here he waved a hand in the general direction of Eric's singed body – “happen?”

Eric snorted.

“You wouldn't believe it,” he said scornfully.

“I'm a bartender,” pointed out Nat. “People are always coming in and telling me tall stories.”

“I thought that was only in movies?”

“Clichés are more pervasive than you think. Now, how'd it happen?”

Eric sighed. He was winning him over, Nat could tell; soon he'd have a story to listen to, and that would at least take his mind off the heat.

“Well,” he said at last, “I was walking along the beach, yeah, and


And, uh, yeah. It stops midsentence. That's all.

F.A.B.

silverexorcist April 6th, 2013 4:13 PM

Cutlerine, you have an interesting way of writing. It's difficult to explain, honestly. I guess it's the perspective it offers? At the very least, it looks like one of those episodes in a show where it ends up being an interesting flashback, mostly to take a break from the exciting main plot that's been racing ahead. Or as a filler because the writers got lazy.

This is a piece of writing I had used for an rp (that happens to be done quite differently than you're probably imagining) and takes advantage of some character personalities, which happens to be an aspect of writing that I'm especially interested and meticulous about. I'm curious to hear what you might think.



"Commander."

Zephyr Rainsville strode after her with a small frown on his normally impassive and calm face. The vice-commander of the fifth unit who wore a tailcoat like a butler was known for his incredible tolerance that made it possible for him to work directly under the twelve year old pillar without a single complaint. However, there came times when even he had to question his superior’s actions or orders, though it was usually not until after the fact. He was loyal, but not unable to think for himself.

"We’ve received no orders to search for and retrieve the second unit commander. Could I ask why?"

"We’re the combat unit. It’s not our job to search for lost soldiers, even one as high a rank as him. He has his own unit that’s worried about him. We can’t insult them by finding their own commander before them, now can we?"

Marianne's responded to Zephyr’s predictable question with a dismissive wave, turning her small back to him. Zephyr sighed at that response, completely unsurprised by her tone that made him feel like an idiot. His commander could be so cruel.

"Then let me ask you this; why did we remain on standby, rather than give orders for us to mobilize? Útgarða’s attack aside, we were prepared to rush in on your orders. But they never came. You just left it as the three of you—four, if you include the second commander who arrived later. But you were still sorely out numbered. I can at least say for sure that you weren’t thinking ‘since we’re commanders, we can easily take on some soldiers from the continents without a problem’."

"Hah. That would be a ridiculous claim after the damage we obviously took."

"Then why?"

Zephyr pressed his question as Marianne merely laughed without humor. Marianne merely sighed as she turned to face Zephyr, resting a hand on her hip as she eyed him with a dull expression.

"Listen, Zephyr. Let’s say there was a war between two sides fighting for superiority. One side as ten tanks while the other has five. Let’s assume that the side with five tanks gathered its five tanks in a single general area as an obvious challenge to you, the side with ten tanks. What would you do as a response? Send all ten tanks and crush them or send only five tanks in order to meet their numbers?"

"Send all ten and crush them." Zephyr responded immediately. It was an obvious question. "If you only send five, you’d face a much greater risk and will probably end up losing more soldiers. In the interest of winning properly, you should take advantage of your superior numbers. That way, you’ll win a battle of superiority."

"My, what a small man you are, Zephyr. I’m ashamed to have to look up at you from my height while you’re truly such a tiny and small person. It’s actually insulting."

Zephyr frowned at Marianne’s obvious ridicule as she raised a golden eyebrow slightly. He’d thought he’d figured that question out.

"If you sent ten tanks out and won, what would you prove? Only that you have more tanks and, consequently, more money. If that’s the type of superiority that you’re searching for, than you belong in the world of competitive video games and such. That’s not worth anything in this world. If one were to send five tanks and fight the opponent evenly, you would prove much more. Tactical superiority, fierce fighting will, fearless daring…and a lot more. Crushing your opponent with an advantage gained by luck or coincidence is something an amateur can do. Crushing your opponent with nothing but your own skill and determination is actually worthy of note."

"Even if you lose because of your decision?"

"I told you; if all you care about is winning, you do not belong here as my subordinate. You belong with the other scum in the world that rose to the top through deceit and lies, rather than force and selfish ambition. I’d rather be ruled by an arrogant dictator rather than an impotent liar."

Marianne passed her hand through her short blonde hair with finality as she turned on her heel and headed down the hallway. Zephyr sighed miserably. It was he who was being ruled by the arrogant dictator; she didn’t have to worry about making that choice.

"If you still think you can be my second-in-command, Rainsville, follow me. I’ve got an interesting proposition to make."

But sadly, he had to agree that it was the better choice.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"My, my, aren’t we bold? Walking into my prison without bothering with the impressive security measures they have against my ability; i.e. a window and microphone to speak to me through."

Björn Útgarða spoke with an amused tone as he heard the doors to his cell open and shut, allowing two pairs of feet to walk in. He still had a visor over his eyes to keep him from seeing anything, but he still spoke without worrying about who it might be visiting him.

Going by his hearing, the two pairs of feet stood right before him; one in what sounded like buckled shoes and the other in dress shoes.

A simple metal fold up chair was set on the ground for the owner of a pair of legs in thigh high socks to sit, clear from the scraping sound made when it was set up and the sound that was different from skin-on-skin when one leg folded over the other. The companion stood behind the chair unhurriedly.

"You’re Björn Útgarða, correct? The one with the interesting ability to modify objects with his tools."

"You’ve heard of me? I didn’t realize I was famous."

"Only a select few amount of people know about you at the moment. You would make a wonderful role model to the lower ranks, if you wished."

"Sorry, I hate underdeveloped kids. It annoys me how they can’t do anything on their own and always need guidance, as I don’t have the patience to teach them. It’s obnoxious."

"You’re pretty bold for a man in line for execution."

"Contrarily, it’s only natural for someone in my situation to be as candid as possible before death. I hear that hell is quite dreary this time of year."

It was like speaking to a mirror. Both sides were speaking casually with smiles on their face. Though one was blinded, they were both attempting to pick each other’s minds through one short conversation.

"So I hear you want to kill the fifth commander, Marianne Slingeneyer."

"Straight to the point, huh? Yeah, that’s why I came. She’s a product of my colleague and my research, but my portion was stolen from me. Since I can’t simply take back my research by this point, I’ll simply have to destroy it completely."

Deductions had already told them as much. Björn had claimed that Marianne’s father, Othinus, had stolen his modification research and used it to make the fifth commander into the abnormal existence she was today. Several conclusions could be made by this; Björn and Othinus had probably been involved in some illegal human modification research and had nothing to do with the army of Condellium. Knowing that airtight continent, Björn was no doubt either a criminal or an unknown face, as he would be captured and executed if caught. That was why he came to kill Marianne—an obvious product of his research that would be all the necessary proof against his word.

But since he didn’t seem to fear capture or execution, it was unlikely he was doing this to escape judgment from the Condellium government. He was no doubt protecting something else that the continent was, perhaps, holding hostage in order to keep him in check.

Those were Marianne’s deductions after hearing the story from Zephyr and Casper.

5th unit commander Marianne Slingeneyer showed no fear before this assassin nevertheless. In fact, she almost seemed happy.

"To think we would cross paths like this at such a convenient time. It must be fate."

"Huh?"

"With your powers, I could further my agenda pretty fast. None of my subordinates have the power of absolute modification over inanimate objects. It would be great if you could get along with Zephyr as the second-in-command of the mechanic divisions."

"Hold on, brat. I told you already; I plan to kill you. Why would I become your subordinate?"

"For that reason exactly, obviously."

It was unsure of when Björn figured out who he was talking to, but Marianne showed no signs of surprise as she folded her arms across her chest and smirked at him. With a signal of her hand, Zephyr moved forward to unclasp the visor from Björn’s eyes. The swarthy skinned smith stared at Marianne with a clear expression of exasperation on his face.

"Though the guys around here don’t like to talk about it, it’s pretty clear that we’re going to go to war with the continents sooner or later. Of course, we intend to win. As such, it’s pretty likely that we’re going to have to resort to defeating our enemies brutally. Being the kind soul that I am, I will fulfill the personal wishes of my loyal subordinates who help me and the other commanders on our conquest. With that in mind, we’ll eventually reach Condellium."

Björn raised an eyebrow in response to that, but didn’t say anything. Marianne went on speaking casually, as if she didn’t realize just how drastic her proposition was.

"Of course, looking at it from a different angle, by becoming my subordinate, you get the chance to grow closer to me and assassinate me properly, though I’m pretty sure you won’t manage that, especially since I’ve made my subordinates all swear to bring my body to the continent of Condellium under any circumstances, even at the cost of their lives. In short, I’m threatening you to either join me or die."

"All that just for my powers?"

"I’m quite desperate as well, you know."

Zephyr’s head snapped toward the fifth commander at the last sentence, completely surprised by the heavy amount of exhaustion and pain in just the few words. Marianne wasn’t exactly the best actor, so it was unlikely she’d faked the sudden change, sounding similar to an elderly man without much time to live. But when Zephyr looked at her face in the fraction of a second after she spoke, he only saw the same arrogant expression on her face.

Björn sighed as he shook his head back and forth.

"So in the end, it all works out for me, eh? What a scary girl. You really remind me of your father."

"Is that so?"

"Yep. He blackmailed me into becoming his partner in research and left me with a dangerous job for the sake of one experiment."

"Sounds like a jerk."

"Your hearing is good."

Marianne motioned toward Zephyr again, who hesitated this time. Marianne raised an eyebrow at him as he dithered.

"Would you prefer the safe route where you stand no chance of losing? He’s going to be your assistant, after all."

Zephyr sighed in defeat as he stepped forward and he held up a chain cutting tool. With four swipes, he severed the chains holding Björn in the air and the man fell to the ground, flat on his back.

"Graceful." Marianne commented as she hopped up from her chair.

"First thing’s first." Björn spoke from the floor without bothering to get up. "Just what do you guys have in the ‘food’ category?"


I've hesitated on multiple accounts on where to go with this, to the point where it is just simply procrastination. I know that the moment I choose one path, I'll regret the other, and I refuse to do anything I'll regret. The more meaningful crossroads are always the most strongly labeled, to put it one way.

Next, I'll probably impose a fanfic expert on you all, mostly because I'm very concerned as to how it comes across to others. My self-absorbed nature makes it difficult for me to imagine how my writing affects other people, for some absurd reason...

Maybe I should try cutting my hair?

Maced April 12th, 2013 6:26 PM

Quote:

There's a bit of clunkiness in some of the wording. You repeat 'hiking up' and 'the hill' in the first two sentences, very close together, for instance; it doesn't help that the way the formatting's worked out (on this theme at least) has placed the repeated words almost right underneath one another.
First drafts are always bad, but I wasn't aware of what you pointed out. Thanks, Cutlerine! I don't care what Eric's story is, as long as you keep that witty narrative voice leading me the rest of the story. That was very good.

Knightfall April 13th, 2013 8:21 PM

Well, this is a experimental scene from a story that I am planning. The story itself likely won't be written for some time, but until then, I've got a series of scenes. Enjoy.

Spoiler:

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As he struggled to stand amid the destruction, he looked out into the great, ruined chamber.
The machine, the titanic marvel of modern science that once stood tall and proud against the laws of nature, was now replaced by a blinding, vertical fissure that glowed with a radiant, white energy. Blue flames engulfed the chamber as the tear in the fabric of space burned through reality like a cheap cotton rag.

The man slowly stood amid the smoking carcasses of his naive co-workers that littered the now-inoperable observation deck. He pushed his cracked glasses further up on the bridge of his nose as he tried to keep himself from breaking into hysteria. Shielding his eyes, he took a tentative step forward towards the anomaly their experiment had wrought.

He cringed as he felt his worn-yet-reliable leather work shoes step on something both squishy and crunchy. He glanced down and tried to resist the sudden urge to vomit. It was Charles, or, at least what was left of him. The new intern from MIT's face was completely vaporized; only the semi-melted name tag on his lapel confirmed the identity of the arm the man had just crushed.

The man took a deep breath as he averted his eyes from the grisly scene, and the other similar bodies that were strewn about the room. He looked straight ahead at the partly shattered window, though he immediately wished he had remained with Charles's remains.

A gargantuan tremor shook the chamber and the science facility above it, causing fragments of metal ceiling support beams to snap from their wielded holds and come crashing to the ground while a demonic wail resonated from the center of the torn folds of reality.

The battered scientist watched in silence as the portal warped and nearly inverted on itself as a wave of electric blue energy twisted through the walls. And then, he saw it. The creature. The very air around it seemed to shriek in agony as the unholy organism was wrenched into Earth from its own dimension.

Orange scales and claws that seemed like could rend through a human spine in two seconds flat greeted the entranced scientist as it swooped down from the inter-dimensional gate on two giant wings on its back. It reappeared directly in front of him, its dragon-esque head looked at him and opened a large set of jaws that served as a mouth.

The fear that had been holding the man firmly in place the entire time dissipated along with the remainder of the contents of his bladder as he was knocked to the ground by the dragon's tremendous roar.

It eyed the destroyed computers and bloodied white lab coats of the scientists, before its nostrils flared as it smelled living flesh. It roared again as it smashed through the window of the observation deck with a single swipe of its claws. Glass rained down upon the panicked scientist as he began to crawl on his hands through the smoldering bodies. The dragon swung its flaming tail through the remainder of the glass and crawled into the deck. Sparks and smoke hissed from its mouth as it advanced toward the researcher on the ground covered in the blood of others.

The man did not believe what he was seeing, despite it being only a meter away from chomping his face off with its massive jaws. His survival instincts kicked in at long last, fighting through his formal education of theoretical astrophysics just in time to keep him from getting fried as the orange dragon let out a jet of fire towards him. The scientist crouched behind an overturned metal desk as the flames torched the other side; he felt the heat burn against his back through the surface as the computers and keyboards melted.

When the dragon was finished with its display of power, the man summoned his courage and sprinted to the thick metal blast door which separated the observation deck from the rest of the facility.
Sweat was dripping from every pore on his body as he tried to get his shaking hands to grip the singed lever on the wall. Not even looking behind him for fear that he would freeze again, he remained focused as he finally was able to wrench it down, opening the blackened door with a screech.

The dragon let out another roar; it flapped its wings and flew across the broken room at the man.
The scientist dashed through the open door with adrenaline fueled speed. Once he was safely on the other side, he slammed the button on the wall, closing the door. The door panels sparked and slowly slid across their tracks in the floor towards each other.

Within that very same second, the scientist winced as he felt the force of the creature slamming into the thick blast door. Through the layers of reinforced steel he heard the bones in the dragon's skull shatter and collapse inwards while also hearing its first three vertebrae snap and crunch.

His heart racing like never before, he looked around the corridor. Then he saw it, painted on the wall in red letters above an equally red telephone, the word “Security”.

The passage around him shuddered, a hellish chorus of roars entered the air from all around him, even the levels above him The man didn’t wait any longer, he dashed down the hallway and grabbed the phone off the hook. Breathing hard, he punched in the code on the number pad as the floor beneath him shook even more furiously.

A voice on the other end picked up and asked him what the problem was. The scientist never got a chance to answer as a blood-curdling screech pierced the recycled air of the facility and the ceiling of the hallway caved in just behind him. A very large snake made out of solid steel slithered through the rubble and stared directly at him. His hands went numb as he dropped the still-live telephone and ran for his life down the opposite path.

The bright ceiling lights suddenly flashed red, and the facility wide announcement system blared in alarm. The man could hear rapid bursts of high-caliber gunfire from through the vents as similar happenings instantly repeated themselves across the research facility.

Violence was the only option he had to fix their collective mistake. He had to keep these creatures from escaping into the world above.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hope you enjoyed.

Knightfall signing off...

Astinus April 19th, 2013 3:39 PM

Spoiler:
Cripes, Knightfall, what the heck is going on in that story!? What were those scientists doing to those Pokemon? I figure the first one is a Charizard, and just what happened to it that would make it that destructive?


I just wrote this because it's been floating in my mind since I woke up. Plus, this is a story I'm really interested in writing. I just have too many projects currently going to work on it.

Still, very few people have seen my work, and I haven't posted anything in nearly five years here, so...

--

With an sharp squeal that sounded nothing like him, the Pikachu huddled at the base of a tree. He faced his enemy. The creature barked, hot breath blasting the Pikachu in the face. The sound traveled along the ground to the Pikachu's feet, making him tremble. The beast opened its mouth. Sharp teeth gleamed in the sunlight. It closed in on the Pikachu.

-- --

"'Police discovered the body of ten-year-old Kyle Pelter on the outskirts of Castelia City. It is not known yet how Pelter died. Police were only able to identify that the boy was from Nacrene City. Speaking to his family, it was revealed that that Pelter started his trainer's journey a few days ago. Further details will be revealed as soon as they are known.

"'The bodies of two unidentified men were also found near the body of Pelter. Police have determined the two men died from slashes on their bodies.'"

Folding the newspaper over, Keegan glanced over at his Pokemon. "What do you think, Miju?"

"Sha?" Miju grabbed another piece of Pokemon food and said, "Osha wott wott sha?" before tossing the food into his mouth.

"I don't think so..." Keegan scanned the article again. "No mention of his Pokemon."

dracoflare May 2nd, 2013 3:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astinus (Post 7632012)
Spoiler:
Cripes, Knightfall, what the heck is going on in that story!? What were those scientists doing to those Pokemon? I figure the first one is a Charizard, and just what happened to it that would make it that destructive?


I just wrote this because it's been floating in my mind since I woke up. Plus, this is a story I'm really interested in writing. I just have too many projects currently going to work on it.

Still, very few people have seen my work, and I haven't posted anything in nearly five years here, so...

--

With an sharp squeal that sounded nothing like him, the Pikachu huddled at the base of a tree. He faced his enemy. The creature barked, hot breath blasting the Pikachu in the face. The sound traveled along the ground to the Pikachu's feet, making him tremble. The beast opened its mouth. Sharp teeth gleamed in the sunlight. It closed in on the Pikachu.

-- --

"'Police discovered the body of ten-year-old Kyle Pelter on the outskirts of Castelia City. It is not known yet how Pelter died. Police were only able to identify that the boy was from Nacrene City. Speaking to his family, it was revealed that that Pelter started his trainer's journey a few days ago. Further details will be revealed as soon as they are known.

"'The bodies of two unidentified men were also found near the body of Pelter. Police have determined the two men died from slashes on their bodies.'"

Folding the newspaper over, Keegan glanced over at his Pokemon. "What do you think, Miju?"

"Sha?" Miju grabbed another piece of Pokemon food and said, "Osha wott wott sha?" before tossing the food into his mouth.

"I don't think so..." Keegan scanned the article again. "No mention of his Pokemon."

It has been a while since I posted on PC. I randomly came across this thread.

So, wow, that's a dark fic in the making alright. I liked the description at the beginning. Is it a Houndoom that's attacking Pikachu? Since you called it a beast, I think Arcanine can fit the bill too. (It's funny how your avatar helped me visualize the scene with more ease :p)

Connecting the scene you have written I have come up with a theory that Pelter's Pokemon killed him and have escaped. There isn't much to comment yet :o
So is Keegan a new Pokemon trainer too or a detective of some sort?

Astinus May 7th, 2013 10:29 PM

Sorry for the late reply! I'm also so nervous when I think someone has replied to my writing, so I take a long time to prepare myself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dracoflare (Post 7646911)
So, wow, that's a dark fic in the making alright. I liked the description at the beginning.

I'm not sure how dark this fic is going to be. The plot for this did call for something dark to happen in the beginning. At first, I had thought about using shadow Pokemon from the GameCube games. But another idea came to mind, and I needed a trainer to be killed for the plot. Poor Kyle just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Or the right place at the right time for me.

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Is it a Houndoom that's attacking Pikachu? Since you called it a beast, I think Arcanine can fit the bill too. (It's funny how your avatar helped me visualize the scene with more ease :p)
Close! It's a Growlithe. And Pikachu is because Pikachu is one of my favorite Pokemon! But there are other reasons for these two Pokemon that are giant spoilers, so I'm moving the discussion away from these two!

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Connecting the scene you have written I have come up with a theory that Pelter's Pokemon killed him and have escaped. There isn't much to comment yet :o
Close! That's all I'm going to say about that.

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So is Keegan a new Pokemon trainer too or a detective of some sort?
A new trainer with...spoilers!

I'm quite excited about this story. If everything goes well, I should be writing it by this time next year. Hopefully.

Thanks for the response, dracoflare! It made my muse very happy.

bigC94 May 16th, 2013 7:01 AM

I'm new to forums and particularly PC. I've been working on a story entitled "Adventures in Acirema" for about a month and a half now. It is posted on Fanfiction.net if anyone is interested in Chapters 2 & 3, I try to update every week/week and a half. The story follows Ash & Pikachu on there journey through a new region; based on the Anime. Here is Chapter 1:

Chapter 1: A New Friend

When the ship hit dock Ash was the first to hit land. He ran off with the same childish anticipation that he had the night before he had received his first Pokémon. Ash looked around in awe as he saw the many plazas filled with all types of shops and small restaurants. A flock of Wingull flew overhead and landed on the pier, cocking their heads side to side and waiting for the tourists to drop some food like they always did. All sorts of smells barricaded his nose as he took a deep breath of the salty air. His grin was ear to ear while he read the sign before him.

“Welcome to Mal, Acirema. We made it Pikachu, we’re in the Acirema Region!” shouted Ash with glee as tourists began to exit the ship and jostle him as they tried to get around him.

“Hey, watch it!” Ash exclaimed as he pushed his way through the thousands of tourists eager to see some sights. Ash, however, was not in Acirema for sight-seeing. He had only one thing on his mind.

“All right Pikachu, we have to find out where the nearest gym is,” said Ash as he darted around frantically.

“Perhaps you should ask a local. Look over there,” Pikachu pointed to a small shop at the end of one of the plazas. The shop was very plain looking and appeared to have two floors, the first floor being where things were sold and the top where the owner probably lived. Over the front window was a sign labeled Bicicletas.

“Bicicletas?” a very confused Ash read aloud. “What’s a Bicicleta?”

Pikachu did a face palm. “Look in the window. I swear if I didn’t love you I would leave your sorry ass on the street to die alone.”

“Ohhhhh,” said an enlightened Ash as he saw a shiny red bike in the window of the shop, “Why didn’t they just say Bikes?”

“Bicicleta means bicycle in Spanish, Ash. Mal is a city with a very large Hispanic population, so there will probably be several shops with signs like these,” explained Pikachu.

“Really…” replied Ash. He had never really met a Hispanic person before. He had heard of them and seen them in cartoons on T.V. They had really funny accents and spoke a really fast language he couldn’t understand.

“Ash!” Pikachu shook Ash and brought him back to the real world. “Come on, let’s go inside. The owner probably has some maps of the region or knows the land well.”

“Right, we’ve gotta find a gym soon!” Ash exclaimed as that same childish delight stirred up in him once again as he imagined all the battles he would soon have. Ash and Pikachu entered the shop and looked around. There were bikes everywhere! Bikes hanging from the ceiling, bikes on tables, and bikes lining the floor; there were so many that it was hard to walk through the shop. Suddenly, one bike caught his eye. He walked towards it and slowly ran his hand down the frame. The bike had red rims, an orange frame, and blue fenders.

“This is just like Misty’s bike…” Ash said to himself as he closed his eyes and smiled. He remembered all the good times he and Misty had together and even though she could be crazy sometimes, she was more than a friend to him. He couldn’t help a single tear rolling down his cheek.

“You like that bike, hombre?” asked a Hispanic man who began to walk up to Ash and Pikachu. He was about the same height as Ash, maybe a half inch shorter, and well built. He appeared to be in his late teens, Ash guessed he was about 19 or 20. He had short, buzz cut black hair and short stubble on his face. He wore a white wife beater tank top with khaki cargo shorts and sneakers. Ash noticed a small tattoo of a cross on the left side of his neck as he got closer. Ash quickly wiped the tear from his eye, feeling slightly embarrassed. “Eh, it’s not the most macho bike I’ve got at the shop, but it sure is durable. Hell, I bet it could take a shock or two from that Pikachu of yours!” exclaimed the man. The man then chuckled to himself a bit. Ash was a bit taken aback by the man’s statement, but quickly composed himself.

“Sorry, I’m not looking to buy this bike. It’s just that…well, this is a lot like the bike a friend of mine used to have…a very special friend of mine,” explained Ash.

“Oh, I see…was she pretty? I knew this girl once, her name was Natalia, sweetest thing. She loved bicicletas, oh man, me and her would spend hours riding bikes around the countryside. She had this long, raven-black hair that sailed with the wind as we rode. I met her in this very shop…” said the man as he became lost in thought.

“She wasn’t my girlfriend!” Ash snapped. The man was startled as he came out of his daze. He then smirked and nodded his head.

“Oh, I understand. She wasn’t your girlfriend just a “friend with benefits”. You two never got close but you sure did get close if you know what I’m talkin bout! I’ve had a few of those myself. They’re great if you just want to have sex but…you know, there’s a difference between havin’ sex and makin’ love. I’ve had a lot of sex, but the only time I ever actually made love was with Natalia. I miss that you know, having a girl whose your best friend that you can trust with everything. A girl who’s your whole world. And when you have sex, you’re not just having sex, your making love. You feel me, ese?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Ash slowly replied, “but she wasn’t my friend with benefits either! She was just a friend. We traveled around together for a really long time and we never had sex or really did anything romantic; we were just really good friends. Can’t a guy and a girl just be friends?”

“No,” the man replied quickly.

“Why not?” Ash was surprised by the response.

“You must have had some kind of attraction to her?” asked the man.

“Well…we were really good friends and I did trust her a lot. But like I said, we never did anything. I was sad whenever she had to go back to Cerulean City to take over the gym, and she was especially upset when she had to leave,” Ash chuckled to himself for a bit, “We did get into a lot of arguments, but they were much ado about nothing, we were only ten you know. I guess since I was so young I hadn’t developed the part of me that would have let me fall in love with Misty. Now that I look back…” Ash paused, then closed his eyes again.

“Wow, it was that long ago?” asked the man who could clearly tell that the kid in front of him was no longer a ten.

“Yeah, I’m 18 so I should be over her by now but…I guess she just left an impression on me,” said Ash.

“I know how you feel, bro,” replied the man as he stared off into the distance, “I felt the same way with Natalia. We were the best of friends, like two peas in a Metapod. I…I know it sounds all mushy and **** but I really think we were meant for each other. But we had to go our separate ways and…hah, look at me! Having a heart-to-heart with some guy I don’t even know!” The man then stuck out his hand. “My name’s Emmanuel Ortiz, but my friends call my Manuel.”

“I’m Ash Ketchum from Pallet Town,” Ash replied, returning the hand shake. The expression on Manuel’s face completely changed.

“Whoa, wait a minute bro, are you kidding me right now? You’re THE Ash Ketchum! Oh man, you are, how did I not realize it before?” exclaimed Manuel.

“I’m assuming you’ve heard of me before,” said Ash who was now in his signature pose of closed eyes and a smile with his hand behind his head.

“Heard of you? Bro, you’re Ash Ketchum! You saved the world like a million times man! You’re a legend on the streets, you wouldn’t believe it. Ash Ketchum, in my shop, who woulda thought it. So what brings you to my humble little bike shop?” asked Manuel.

“Well, I’m here in Acirema to take on the Acirema Pokémon Championship. But I can’t do that until I get all 8 badges. So I’m looking for the nearest gym,” explained Ash.

“Hmm, sorry to say this but we don’t have a gym in Mal. However, there is a gym over in Goldpond Town,” Manuel pulled out a map and pointed to the city, “we are here in Mal, and Goldpond is there.”

“All the way there,” Ash frowned, “Well I guess I’d better get a move on then.”

“Yeah, you want a bike, ese? It’s going to be a long trip,” asked Manuel.

“Nah, I prefer to travel on foot. That way I get a good lay of the land and catch some Pokémon while I’m at it. The only Pokémon I have with me right now is Pikachu. I left all the others back at the lab with Professor Oak so I could get a fresh start,” Ash explained.

“You know, I’ve never been to Kanto and Pikachu aren’t indigenous to Acirema, so I’ve never seen one before,” said Manuel as he petted Pikachu behind her ears. Pikachu smiled at the friendly man’s touch.

“Indigenous?” asked Ash, once again confused. Manuel laughed.

“Sorry, I forgot, they say you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed. It means that Pikachu aren’t found in the wild here. This isn’t their natural habitat,” explained Manuel with a smile.

“Hey!” Ash got a little defensive. “I may not be the smartest, but I’m a damn good battler!”

“So I’ve heard,” replied Manuel.

“By the way, you wouldn’t happen to have a phone here would you? It may sound a little childish but I have to call my mom. I always give her a call when I get to a new region, she worries if I don’t,” said Ash with a slight blush.

“No problem man, I know how it is. Mi mama would get muy nerviosa if I didn’t call her every once in a while. The phones over in the corner,” Manuel pointed to the back corner of the room. Ash and Pikachu walked over to the phone and dialed the number. Delia appeared on the screen.

“Hi Ash, how are you honey?” she asked with a smile.

“I’m fine mom, how are things back at home?” Ash replied.

“Well, I just burned a batch of cookies so I’m not so happy about that. Other than that everything’s just like it always is, you know Pallet,” answered Delia. Suddenly, a loud crash was heard in the background followed by a groan.

“What was that!” asked Ash. No sooner had the question left his lips did Professor Oak appear on the screen.

“Sorry about that Delia, I tripped over Mr. Mime’s foot,” said Oak with a slight blush, “Oh, is that Ash?”

“Sure is, hey Professor Oak, how are things back at the lab?”

“Quite busy actually, I’ve been selected to host the annual Research and Development Conference this year. I haven’t hosted in a while so your mother and I along with Tracey and Gary have been frantically getting the lab ready for all the brilliant minds that will be making their way into town within the next week,” explained Oak.

“Really? Sounds like fun, too bad I can’t be there,” said Ash.

“I know, but research isn’t your thing so you would probably grow bored of it after a while. That reminds me of a poem: A Magicarp on land is out of its element. So too, is a Trainer in a lab,” Ash sweat dropped while Oak just grinned at his self-proclaimed genius, “Well, I’d better head back to the lab to check on Tracey and Gary. Goodbye Ash,” said Professor Oak.

“See ya Professor, say hi to Tracey and Gary for me!” exclaimed Ash.

“Of course,” replied Professor Oak as he sauntered off screen.

“Samuel is something else isn’t he,” said Delia with a smile.

“Sure is,” replied Ash.

“Oh, who’s your friend there Ash?” asked Delia. Ash turned around and saw Manuel standing behind him.

“Hi, my name is Manuel, mam,” said Manuel with a smile.

“Hello, I’m Ash’s mother, how are you?” asked Delia.

“I’m doing fine. I just wanted you to know that you raised one great son, mam. What with him saving the world and all,” said Manuel.

“Oh I know,” replied Delia with a smile, “I am proud of my Ash.”

“Mom, you’re embarrassing me,” Ash said with a blush.

“So is Manuel your latest travel buddy? You make friends so quickly Ash,” asked Delia.

“Well we haven’t really talked about that,” Ash said as he rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh, well have fun whatever you do. I’d better go now. Just remember to brush your teeth, eat your vegetables and change your underwear sweetie,” said Delia with a wink.

“MOM!!!” exclaimed Ash.

“Goodbye sweetie,” Delia smiled.

“Bye mom,” said Ash as he disconnected the call. He turned around and faced Manuel. “What’s the big idea man, eavesdropping on my conversation?” he asked with a frown.

“No way, ese! I was just walking by when your mom caught sight of me. By the way, you’ve got one good looking mom bro,” replied Manuel.

“Aw, come on man!” exclaimed Ash.

“I’m sorry hombre, but your mom is a babe,” Manuel grinned sheepishly.

“So, do you wanna come with or no?” asked Ash, eager to change the subject.

“Do I want to travel with the legendary Ash Ketchum? Do you even have to ask that question, hell yeah I do!” exclaimed Manuel.

“Awesome!” replied Ash as he leapt out the chair. “Let’s get going then!”

“Slow your roll, bro. You’ve gotta at least let me pack some things!” Manuel pleaded.

“All right, but make it quick. I’m just itching for a battle!” exclaimed Ash.

“Ok, how about I go upstairs and pack, while you go to the Pokemart for some supplies?” asked Manuel. Ash nodded. Manuel quickly scribbled out a list of supplies and handed Ash some cash. “That should be enough, don’t take too long though,” said Manuel.

“Don’t worry, I won’t!” exclaimed Ash as he grabbed the money and darted out the door, eager to start his next journey with his new friend.

dudebot May 16th, 2013 8:05 AM

Well, here's the prologue to a novella I just finished, Cower. The whole book needs to be reworked, but I still think that this is pretty solid.

By the way, it gets a bit murky . . . and dark. Quite literally and figuratively.

Spoiler:
------
Dovecot, it’s a city of false imagery and broken promises. Not too long ago, the name of it used to mean something. People held high hopes entering a land full of intellectual promise. They’d think to themselves, “this is a nice slice of the world” as they found things to be much more trustworthy than they actually were. The city was made with trust in mind. It was made to be a nice place. Unfortunately, things aren’t always what they were made out to be. And over the course of a few years, people soon found that much out about Dovecot.

The truth behind the city was that it was a cesspool of evil intent and inexcusable crimes. Days went on where people would find their house emptied after a night out. Not a single thing was left. Citizens started losing that trust really fast. Soon, it got to the point where going outside at night was taboo, forbidden by those unable to risk the chance of losing anything. The streets remained clear for a time, but it didn’t stop things from happening the way they did. Murderers, thieves, aggressors, they increased in numbers. It seemed like anyone who took a step outside during the night was bound to come across adversity. After a while, having nightlife meant being a risky person or being a criminal.

For Johnny, it was the latter. He considered himself professional. He’d poach his targets for a while. Noting whenever they’d leave their house, he’d make his move. Over the last few months, he’d been getting exceedingly better at it. He could tell when a person was leaving for a night out or when they were just making a store trip. At times, he’d drive behind them to make sure they drove far enough. When they did, he would make a left and return to their building.

He used to have a team, but they got greedy. The months of free money would do that to anyone. He decided that he had the resources need to carry out things by his self. Whatever he couldn’t carry out on his own, he’d leave behind. Luckily for Johnny, that wasn’t much. Maybe there was a dresser or a refrigerator he couldn’t take, but there were always the clothes and the food. His truck held most stuff with room to spare. Check it into a locker the next day, sell what you could, then repeat the process. Things were easy enough for him to make a living. And living was never better.

The problem that the city had was also its biggest export: Intellect. Dovecot was a cesspool of ingenuity and thought. Unfortunately, criminals were getting smarter as well. Johnny had plenty of intellect. If it weren’t for the difficulties of the hiring process, Johnny often thought he could make it big in big in the industrial world. He always kept track of time, he was prompt in his movements and he never bit off more than he could chew. Yes, it seemed like Johnny would never get his come-upping. However, the thing about crime, it never promises anything. That’s why people would tell you it’s not a promising career. That probably explains why he’s hanging by legs over a nice, mahogany table. He knows mahogany; he’s taken his fair share of it.

How he got there was a more painful question than the sore spot on the back of his head. As the blur left his vision, he started to recognize where he was. It was his storage locker. The mahogany table was his. Well, it was one that he stole, per say. No more than inches above the table, he tried to move his hands. Something cold and hard had been restricting them, he could only guess chains. He tried wiggling for his freedom, not seeing the futility in it. Suddenly, he heard a noise. The silence after the sound froze his cold heart. Tears began to streak across his forehead before touching his hair. He cried out to his captor, his voice apologetic.

“Hello? Anyone? Please, let me down! Please!”

He screamed out from the top of his lungs. He couldn’t see anyone beyond 3 feet of himself due to the light he was hanging under. Darkness surrounded him. It frightened him. It made him cringe. Before, it was his friend, helping him creep through the houses undetected. Now it became an audience, surrounding him, waiting for the climax of his night. For a moment, all was quiet. The darkness was still. Then, a man walked out from the shadows. Johnny was glad he saw opportunity once he realized the man wasn’t wearing a uniform. Not a lot of people would side with the police at this time.

Things went wrong, however, when he noticed the right hand of the man clenching a kitchen knife. Suddenly, his tears flowed on double time. He preferred the police in this moment. Anyone would. Though he hoped that it was all a misunderstanding, looking into the eyes of his captor, he saw clarity unlike any other. It was surety. Whatever that man came to do, he had no doubt in it. Words began to escape the sturdy face he’d given.

“You’re probably wondering, ‘How did I get here?’ You ask yourself, ‘What did I do to get here?’ But that’s not the problem you should be worrying about. What you should be worrying about is getting back on your feet.”

Johnny was scared stiff. The man spoke like some sort of narrator, but everything he said sounded like some philosophical garbage.

“Please, man, just let me down. I’ll give you whatever you want. I have televisions, dressers, coffee makers, money, whatever you need. Please just let me down.” Johnny’s words were barely audible at the end. It was mostly replaced by a mixture of words and whimpering. Tears began to drip from his hair to the table.

The man looked at Johnny eye to eye after hearing his heartfelt words. He gave off a fiendish smirk. With a chuckle, he continued his speech.

“Sometimes, you find it hard to maintain. You’re upside-down and you can feel the pressure on your brain. You’re strung up and you need to get down. So, what do you do?” His stern voice heightened Johnny’s fears.

He walked closer to Johnny, coming within a reachable distance.

“Well, what you need to do it hold your back straight and get cracking,” he said as he put his hand on the back of his captive. “And what if that doesn’t work?”

He steadied the swinging Johnny with his hand, bringing the other hand and the knife in it to Johnny’s stomach.

“Well, that means the weight is too much and you need to put it all on the table.”

The knife plunged into the bottom Johnny’s abdomen as the cut was made towards his head, stopping short of his rib cage. Johnny’s screams were ignored as the man reached into his body, forcibly pulling his organs until they would fall to the table. Soon, he couldn’t hear Johnny’s screams anymore. And that’s where he stopped. Blood spilled onto the table along with the parts pulled from Johnny’s body.

The man stood for a moment and admired his work. The look on Johnny’s face was exactly what he wanted from it all. The sheer displeasure as tears forced themselves from his red, puffy eyes was pleasing. The agony of having his body scooped out, picked fresh like a vegetable, it satisfied the mysterious man. The blood from his cavity began to cover his face as it fell on the mahogany. The crimson mask preserved the last look of horror from the Johnny.

He took two fingers and dipped them into the pool of blood. He began writing numbers on the wall, dipping a second time to make sure the numbers were clearly legible. After making an underline with the leftover blood on his fingers, he began walking towards the exit of the locker before speaking his final words.

“And after you do all of that, I assure you, you’ll feel so much better than you did before. Hey, nothing feels better than relieving yourself of dead weight.”

Astinus July 29th, 2013 11:34 PM

I'm reviving this thread because I have writing that I want to share. Although I know that there is one person who's been waiting for something from this story, I'm posting this here to share with others. Also, there's a hope that if this thread is revived, others will post in it as well.

The story is the first book in the series collectively titled Long Twilight Struggle, and the first book is Heirs of the First Revolution. It's a rewrite of Digimon Adventure 02. This project could be considered my pet project, as it's the one I put the most work into.

The scene under the spoiler isn't actually a spoiler. It's a random scene that came to mind when I started working on the first chapter, and I have no idea where to put it. So there's no context, though it will make some sense to those who are Digimon fans, naturally.

Spoiler:
And there, scuttling among the army, was Wormmon. Disgusting Wormmon. Weak Wormmon. The little bug was everything BlackGreymon hated. He was a sniveling boot-hugger, following the Kaiser around, tugging at his cape and begging for a second of attention. BlackGreymon stayed out of the Kaiser's way. He stood near his special forces and watched as Wormmon cried for the Kaiser's attention.

“Master! Master! It's getting close to dinnertime! Shouldn't you-”

The Kaiser whipped around. He said nothing. Wormmon didn't even deserve that much. The only answer the pathetic Digimon received was a kick that send him sailing into the air battling unit. A Unimon snorted at Wormmon.

BlackGreymon smiled. He knew it would be a good day when Wormmon went flying. It meant the Kaiser was ready for a new challenge. BlackGreymon prepared his troops for battle.

Crystalanachrony August 1st, 2013 11:14 PM

Wow, this thread is literally beyond perfect. I just got finished writing the first chapter of an upcoming story, and while I don't have enough of the plot ironed out enough to comfortably continue yet, I still really wanna share chapter one.

So here it is; the first dredge-- I mean draft of That Story (working title).

--

Flora Charbonneau stepped out of Nuvema Mart with a bag full of groceries, a face full of sunset, and not an awful lot else. She came to rest on a sidewalk that stretched infinitely in both directions.

The streets in the rural town of Nuvema were long, cracked, and barren, and for the most part one could walk right along the side of the road without facing any real danger – Nuvema was the kind of town that made everything within city limits move slow, even the traffic. Perhaps that was why the sun still hadn’t set yet. When it did, she would be able to climb onto her flat-ish roof with a lantern and some snacks and have a Meteor Party.

All alone.

By herself.

The Sternberg Shower passed around Unova once every five years. The last time Flora had seen it, she was twelve, and she sat on her roof and watched just the way she was going to tonight; but when she was twelve, she’d had Cheren and Bianca with her. The three of them were inseparable. Best friends, from the day they met to the day they left. Cheren was a Gym Leader in Aspertia now, Bianca was halfway through her high-school career at the newly-founded Unity Tower Academy for Pokémon Science, they were both national heroes for their work in the Team Plasma Investigation of two years ago, and at the great age of seventeen, Flora was still watching meteors on her rooftop.

But the alternative was taking another run through the countryside, and Flora was still kind of sore from the one she did this morning.

She began walking back to her home. Nuvema was mostly designed around one main street; a highway, off of which the rest of the buildings and roads sprang from, like branches growing from the tree. She turned off the main drag onto a side road, made of packed dirt, and soon enough found herself standing in front of the large but worn-down building she called her home.

Despite the unfortunate circumstances, Flora could feel excitement swelling in her chest. No matter who she spent it with, the Meteor Party was still a very important event, and it was not to be spent moping. Flora bypassed her mother on the way in; she dropped most of her bags on their kitchen table, but kept one for herself – that was her snack bag for later tonight, filled with all her favourite goodies (and some of Bianca and Cheren’s, when she found that she couldn’t resist buying them as well).

“Thanks,” her mother said, immediately hovering over to peck through the bags. “What’d the total come to?”

Without answering, Flora handed her the remaining Poké from the shopping excursion (her own donation having been spent on candy). Flora’s mother didn’t especially care how Flora presented it to her, as long as she wasn’t stealing anything from the total amount – and the two of them were much too close for one to even imagine stealing from the other.

Even if Flora hadn’t been talking as much lately.

She assisted her mother quickly with putting away the groceries, and then took her own bag down the hall to her bedroom. At the very end of the hall was a sign, hanging from knobs in the door; it said FLORA in large letters, a memento from her younger years that the girl never really had the heart to take down.

Flora’s room, much like her door, hadn’t changed a lot since the two of them moved here when Flora was nothing but a little girl. The ceiling was still very low; it was getting to the point where she couldn’t help but notice how close her head was getting to the top. The furniture, also, had not changed, though it had been repainted so that the pink and purple flowers had turned into a nice, calm white. It wasn’t the world’s classiest bedroom – nor was it the world’s classiest house – but it functioned.

Flora dropped the bag of goodies on her desk thoughtlessly as she walked in, and did not bother to stop walking once she made it inside; instead, she continued trooping right along, allowing herself to finally fall face first onto her bed at the opposite end of the room.

It was the night of the Meteor Party, and as quickly as she had gained drive to climb up to her roof and set up, it was gone.

Flora rolled around rather lamely on her mattress. She could see a neat pile in the corner of all the things she was going to need for the Meteor Party, not counting food; she had organized it several days ago. There was a blanket, because things fell on rooftops that you did not want to sit on. There was a lantern, for when you had to come down and you might not be able to see your way. There was a pack of matches, for lighting said lantern. And... well, in reality that was all you actually needed for a Meteor Party, because it was kind of hard to play games or do anything of that nature when you could barely see and there were massive rocks flying through the sky.

Idly, Flora reached onto her bedside table and groped around for her X-transceiver, which she then threw on top of the pile. Her aim was perfect, and it landed harmlessly on the soft, squishy blanket. Maybe, she thought idly, Cheren or Bianca would call her tonight. Not that they’d done so at any other point in the past two years, but… well, tonight was special, wasn’t it? It was the night of the Meteor Party. They can’t forget the Meteor Party.

She hoped against hope that they wouldn’t forget the goddamn Meteor Party, and continued to do this for about twenty minutes, staring vacantly at the ceiling until her mother called her down for dinner.

And after dinner, of course, was when you climb to the roof.

The ladder was old and rusted in some parts; it had come attached to the house, and that fact was what made Flora’s place the Meteor Party destination. All of the moms felt somewhat safer knowing that Flora’s roof was designed for people to get up on it. Flora put her items in a backpack, and scaled the ladder alone with it on her back; once up there, she set out the blanket and a few rocks to keep the edges from flying off, which she had to go back down to get – it would have been much harder in the darkness.

The girl looked up; as it was, shadows were falling fast, so she scampered back up the ladder and settled herself on the blanket again. It was a really cute one, with Mareeps leaping along on countless rolling hills. The thing was old, extremely old, which was why Flora was allowed to put it on the roof; but design-wise, it remained one of the family favourites.

So Flora settled down, ripped open a fresh bag of ruffle chips, and waited.

She waited for the meteors; she waited for Cheren and Bianca; she probably even kind of waited for her neighbor to start screaming at her to get off the roof, because she was going to SLIP AND FALL AND CRACK HER SKULL AND DIE. (For some peculiar reason, most of his sentences tended to have ‘…and die!’ at the end. It was probably valuable information to know that he was approaching seventy-five years old, and therefore had a completely legitimate reason to scream about people dying all the time – but like most elderly people, it made him no less annoying, only harder to call out on how annoying he was.)

The point was, Flora Charbonneau was waiting. She kept waiting for quite a long time.

And then, it began.

The first one was small. Unremarkable, as far as meteors went; it could have been some piece of starstuff, or a space Pokémon floating aimlessly across the sky, for all the average viewer cared. But then there was another one, slightly larger. And another one, slightly larger than that. Soon enough, the night sky was alight as clear as day with a ceaseless rain of meteors.

Suddenly and quite unexpectedly, Flora was taken back in time. She was no closer to the meteorfall than she was at twelve years old, but her mind had changed so much in the past five years that the memories, in their burning intensity, were beginning to singe her skin. Underneath these meteors, all three of them had daydreamed about what they would do when they turned fourteen and were finally allowed to enter the world they really wanted to be in – the world of Pokémon. She still remembered their aspirations, individually.

Bianca, as usual, wanted to be the friend to all living things. Cheren wanted to be the Champion of the Pokémon League, a spot which no one in Nuvema ever doubted he could achieve, if he put his mind to it. And Flora herself was a wild girl at heart; she was happiest when she was up and moving and out in nature, exploring uncharted lands with a team of very powerful friends.

It almost felt as if she was regressing, back to a time where she was allowed to dream of Pokémon – where she could look forward to doing something with her life, anything, that amounted to more than Senior S**t-Shoveler. It was such an empowering feeling.

On a whim, she sat up and grabbed her X-transceiver, and punched in Cheren’s number; she had it memorized.

The machine had hardly rung once before Flora was greeted with the visage of a friend she hadn’t seen in two years, and the smile on her face didn’t do a great job of hiding that unexpected punch in the gut.

He was growing his hair out, and that wasn’t the only thing; she was positive his face had gotten more angular, a lot more angular, since she last saw him. He was wearing what appeared to be a freshly-pressed button up shirt, and behind him was a big old Pokémon League logo, plastered on the wall. He was in his Gym.

“Flora!” he asked, eyebrows rising. “What a pleasant surprise.”

“Hey,” she said, after several failed attempts.

Cheren faltered. This was obviously awkward for him – of course it was awkward for him, Flora couldn’t think of why it wouldn’t be, and she really wasn’t helping. “Flora? Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” she responded weakly. “Doing okay. You know, the meteors are out tonight… got nostalgic…” And then, without knowing where it came from: “…Sorry. I’m bothering you.”

“No you’re not,” Cheren responded, far too quickly for it to be a genuine answer. Obviously his stint as a Gym Leader had taught him a lot about how to be insincere in order for others to feel better. “You’re not bothering me, I promise – as a matter of fact, I was just thinking of you.”

Flora felt an electric power, rising through her spine. There was hope. He was thinking about her—

“I know the League Challenge takes a long time, but I had been wondering when you would get here.”

The electricity solidified, and turned to lead.

Flora sat there with her mouth slightly open, the meteors falling to earth behind her. It was hard to look at Cheren, all professional and grown-up – he was a real adult now, running his own Gym, one of the youngest Gym Leaders in Unova history. Bianca was the same way. She was probably in a classy, cute outfit somewhere, riding on a glass-bottom boat in the middle of a cerulean ocean to look at the Water Pokémon in their natural habitats.

Dimly, she shut off the X-transceiver, hopefully before Cheren could see the tears pooling up in her eyes. She then threw it, far into the street, hoping a meteor would fall on it and destroy it forever. She didn’t care; there was no reason for her to even have an X-transceiver. was there? After all, there was only two numbers in that damn thing besides her own, and they clearly couldn’t be bothered with her anymore.

It was a waste of time.

Flora felt a horrible, acidic satisfaction when a car drove down the road, crunching her X-transceiver under the tires. She never liked it, anyway. It was an old model, and she’d picked the colours when she was like, twelve.

“Well,” she said finally after the car had passed, “guess that’s the end of that.” She laughed shakily, collapsed onto her back again, wrapped herself in the blanket, and began to cry, the meteors becoming nothing but blurry dots beyond her perception.

At some point, she must have fallen asleep.

Because the next time Flora awoke, the meteors were still flying across the night-time sky, and nothing was beautiful and everything hurt.

--

(I haven't written anything in a very long time, so any input would be appreciated.)

Konekodemon August 8th, 2013 8:39 PM

My Pokemon Adventures story, Episode 7:

"Wurmple! Tackle attack!" Kairi called.

"Wurmple!" Kairi's Wurmple ran at a tree and tackled it, hurting his head in the process.

The girl looked to her Pokemon and sighed. "This is so boring," she complained, "There isn't a wild Pokemon in sight anywhere. And it's so hot today I can't stand it."

"Pika," Pikachu yawned, agreeing with her. Sweat poured down the small rodent's body. Pikachu looked like he was going to pass out any minute now.

Kairi recalled Wurmple into his Poke Ball and turned towards Paul. "How much further until we get to Pewter City?"

Paul pulled the map out of his backpack. He looked it over and told her, "Seems we still have quite a ways to go." He folded it back up, putting it back into his bag.

"How much longer is quite a ways?" She asked him. She had her hat off. It was in her bag and her hair was up in two high ponytails, so that she could get it off of her sweaty neck.

"How should I know. About a day maybe." Paul was wearing a blue tee-shirt and blue jean shorts. The hot weather seemed to be bothering him as well. Seemed Kanto had unusual weather. One day it's kinda cool and then the next day it's roasting hot. It felt like it was maybe 100 outside today. But to Kairi and Paul it felt like it was even hotter then that.

"A day!" Kairi yelled, collapsing down onto the ground, her legs spare out on either side of her. It was almost like she was trying to do a split with her legs bent back a bit. "I don't think I can make it that long." She whined as she complained about how hot she was. She then started yelling, "I want some ice cream!"

"Quit acting like a child," Paul told her.

"But I am a kid. I'm 12 years old," she told him.

"Right, you're 12 years old. So act like it! 12 is only one year away from 13. So get up from the ground and quit acting like a baby," he told her. "Or I'll leave you behind."

Just then though Kairi got an idea. She ran over to a tree where she had her bag resting while she had been training Wurmple. "I have a great idea. I don't know why I didn't think of this sooner."

"What are you doing?" Paul asked her, seeing Kairi dig through her bag.

"Can you turn around for a minute while I change clothes?" She asked.

"Hn, fine." Paul turned around and so did Pikachu. He heard the noises of Kairi changing. After she told him he could turn around he saw his friend in a lime green bakini with dark pink scraps. "Why are you in your bathing suit?"

"This is why?" She smiled brightly pulling out Oshawott's Poke Ball from her bag.

"Osha!" Oshawott cried as he appeared from his Poke Ball.

"Oshawott, aim your Water Gun directly upwards so that the water sprays on me as if it's raining," she ordered.

"Oshawott," her Pokemon grinned, doing as ordered. He pointed his head up straight at the sky and sprayed out his Water Gun attack.

"So, that's what you're doing," Paul told her.

"Yup!" Kairi grinned. "Why not join me. You look like you need cooling off as much as I do."

"No, I don't think so," Paul answered her.

"Awwww, why not? Come on! It's fun." Kairi tried pulling him towards the water.

"I said no," Paul told her, starting to get a bit angry.

"Come on Paul. Don't be such a stick in the mud." She kept trying to pull on the boy's arm.

"No means no Kairi. I said no and I mean no," he told her. He yanked his arm out of her grasp and went to sit down under a tree. "Tell me when you're ready to leave." He then closed his eyes to relax. His arms were leaned upwards, resting behind his head.

Kairi gave him a stern look. She was fed up with his stubborn attitude towards her and decided for once to take action. She turned towards her Oshawott who was still spraying his Water Gun up into the air. She pointed at Paul's face and told him, "Water Gun."

"Osha WOTT!" Oshawott shot his water attack directly into Paul's face.

Paul jumped to his feet. "That's it, choose your Pokemon. We're battling and I'm not taking no for an answer!" He yelled at her. Seemed he was very pissed off at her.

"What's the matter Paul? Can't take a joke?" Kairi giggled. She looked down at her Pokemon. "Right Pikachu?"

"Pika pika," Pikachu was giggling, his hands on his mouth as he laughed with his eyes closed. Oshawott blinked a bit before he too broke out in giggles.

"I don't find it very funny! Shut up!" Paul demanded angrily.

"Okay, fine. I do need to train my Wurmple anyway." Kairi recalled Oshawott and pulled Wurmple's Poke Ball back out and let the worm Pokemon back out. He appeared in a flash of light looking confused wondering why he was called back out again so soon.

"I guess I'll have to use mine as well." Paul pulled out a Poke Ball. And after making it grapefruit sized he threw it. "Wurmple, stand by for battle!" His Wurmple also appeared in a bright flash of light. The two Pokemon stared each other down before Paul called out,"Poison Sting."

"You use Poison Sting as well," Kairi told her Wurmple.

"Wurm?" Her Pokemon gave her a confused look.

"What? I said use Poison Sting! Don't look at me like that!" She demanded. As she was crying out for her Pokemon to attack the other Wurmple shot it with its own Poison Sting hitting it and making Kairi's Wurmple cry out in pain.

"Wurmple! Why didn't you listen to me?" Kairi asked him.

"Check your Pokedex. It probably doesn't know that attack. Not all Pokemon know the same moves," Paul told her.

She nodded and pulled out her Pokedex, checking her Wurmple's stats. "This Wurmple can use Tackle and String Shot," the Pokedex told her.

"Uh...what? Hey! That's not fair! How come yours can use it?" She wondered, as she shut her Pokedex, putting it back up into her bag.

"I told you, that's why you should..." Paul stopped as there were two flashes of light. Both Wurmples were evolving at the same time.

"Wow! Double evolution," Kairi grinned. As the two evolved they both looked a bit different though. She pulled out her Pokedex pointing it at her's.

The Pokedex beeped and said, "Silcoon, the Cocoon Pokémon. Silcoon is the evolved form of Wurmple. Using its thread to attach itself to a tree branch, it waits to evolve to its next stage. When it grows thirsty, it drinks the dew that collects on its string."

Paul pulled out his own Pokedex and for once used it, pointing it at his own Pokemon. "Now let's see what you are."

His Pokedex beeped as it said out loud, "Cascoon, the Cocoon Pokemon. If it is attacked, Cascoon remains motionless however badly it may be hurt. It does so because if it were to move, its body would be weak upon evolution. This Pokémon will also not forget the pain it endured."

Both trainers put their Pokedexes away. "Why didn't our Pokemon both evolve into the same Pokemon?" Kairi wondered.

"Wurmple is unlike most Pokemon. According to the Pokedex it has two evolutions and it's random which one it takes," Paul told her.

"Awesome!" Kairi said.

Read it here and post feedback. I love feedback: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=215690

Captain Oshawott August 20th, 2013 5:05 PM

Quote:

I'm a rather new, aspiring author. I've only written a few fan-fictions before, mostly about my frequently played action titles. However, I wanted to try my hand at a Pokemon fiction, and before I post up a thread an embarrass myself, I figured I'd post my prologue here.

Let me know what you think about it, and whether or not I should continue with the story. I do have a few chapters typed up already to go along with this one, I just want to know if the idea is solid and not really cliche.

Also be warned, there is some minor words in this prologue. The story will might have some more harsher words, but they won't be a constant thing. I promise.
Harmonized Disarray
by Mister Oshawott

Prologue: A Fateful Encounter.


"Remind me again, what is it you said your name was?" The teacher sat behind his mahogany desk, his fist nestled beneath his chin, his eyes dull and bored out of his mind.

"Clayton," The young trainer in front of him replied. "My name is Clayton."

"Ah yes, that's right." The teacher replied, casting his eyes over to the shoulder length brunette girl standing right beside Clayton. "And you, what is your name?"

"Katherine." She nodded, the Lillipup in her hands squirming with joy.

The teacher sighed, passing forward two laminated pieces of plastic, each with Clayton and Katherine's respective pictures and names on each. His responsibilities as a teacher, for the moment, were finally over.

"Congratulations students, go out and see the world." The man said, waving the two beaming students off.

--------------

Katherine and Clayton walked out of the school, blinded instantly from the sun's rays reflecting off of the radio tower in the far off distance. Clayton paused for a moment, gazing at the building. Not only did it act as a radio tower for the Unovian air-transport system, but it was also the Mistralton Pokemon Gym.

"Let's battle." Katherine turned to face Clayton suddenly, causing the boy to jump abruptly.

"You know I can't." Clayton shrugged off her playful attitude.

"Your Mother might've given you a Pokemon as celebration for your graduation!" Katherine replied, cheery as ever.

"Money is tight, if she did get a Pokemon for me, I would've known. She wouldn't have been able to hide it from me, let alone pay for the food necessary to house it until it could legally be my own."

"Oh, right," She replied, her cheeks getting rosy. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it."

"I know you didn't. It's just been so difficult since Dad moved to Kanto."

"Silph Co. moved to Saffron City. That's huge." Katherine remarked, looking down at the mini dog in her arms. "Perhaps, when Candy and I go out on our adventure, we could catch you one and send it to you?"

"That won't be necessary. I've been saving up for some pokeballs of my own. I'll go out tomorrow and see what I can catch."

"It's dangerous to go alone." Katherine put a hand on his shoulder. "I'll go out with you tomorrow morning, Candy and I'll protect you."

"Thanks." Clayton replied sheepishly.

"Tomorrow at six o'clock?" She asked expectantly.

"Make it seven. I'll probably be partying all night tonight anyways." Clayton smirked.

"That's not a good start for an official Trainer." Katherine mused, shaking her head. "Seven it is. See you then."

Clayton watched her walk away, her brown hair bouncing gently off of her shoulder blades with each step she took. The two had always been friends since they were young, but she's always remarked how she wanted to be his rival as well. That the two of them would battle when they both became trainers. Shaking his head, Clayton stared off into the direction of the Gym one last time, before he began the walk home.

--------

Clayton gently closed the door, the sound of his mother's Herdier barking muffled in the back of the house. She had another late night working at the gym it would seem. Clayton gently laid his backpack onto the couch and crept into the kitchen, his Mother's Purrloin mewing contently, gulping down some Miltank milk. Lightly placing his hand on it's head, Clayton gently scratched the cat behind it's massive ears, as it purred with delight.

Opening the refrigerator door, Clayton wrapped his massive hands around a jar of Bronzong's Special Elixer. One thing not many people knew was that Clayton had a gift. This stuff was expensive, but it kept him in check. Opening the lid, he took a brief gulp, as the liquid oozed down his throat. To those like him, it tasted like a chocolate milkshake, but for him, it was the consistency of one, but tasted as bland as cardboard. He replaced the jar onto the shelf once more, turning to face the living room.

Purrloin nodded, jumping off of the table and onto the floor, curling up by the couch. Clayton closed the door behind him, as the sight of his mother startled him. She looked like a mess, but her warm, welcoming smile filled his heart with ease.

"Clayton, congratulations!" She said softly, clearly she was suffering another one of her migraines.

"Thanks."

"I have a gift to celebrate your milestone." She said, ducking back into her bedroom again, pulling a bag with a bow tie wrapped around it.

I'll be damned. She actually DID get me a Pokemon. Clayton thought to himself, accepting the bag with a smile.

However, when the bag opened, instead of an occupied Pokeball, he found a small, calculator sized machine. Lifting it, it's front hatch slid open, and a scanner activated on the back.

"Hello, Trainer. I am DEX MK-5. The new generation of Pokedex software! Please insert your credentials into the interface."

Clayton stared, wide-eyed at the machine.

"Mom, this is a new Pokedex. Not even Katherine has this model!"

His mother smiled and nodded, grasping at her head, easing herself onto the couch.

"It's a gift from your Father." She smiled. "Silph Co. has yet to release this on the market. You got an executive's model. You'll have features that not many other trainers will have at their disposal."

"I'll send him a message on my PokeGear and be sure to thank him." Clayton beamed, entering his credentials into the machine.

"There is one other thing." She smiled. "Buster, c'mere boy!"

The sound of paws thudding across the linolium meant that the Herdier was inbound, and was ready to kiss the hat off of Clayton's face. The Herdier stopped short of the trainer, sitting pretty, a rather big package on it's collar. Clayton pat the dog on the head, opening the box. Inside, ten tiny poke-balls gleamed in the light.

"This is great!" Clayton said with a smirk, but then looked over to his mother in concern. "How could we afford this?"

"Technically, we couldn't."

"How did you get these?" Clayton asked, intent on getting an answer.

"I bought them." She said with a shrug. "I just worked over-time for the past four weeks to gain the necessary funds."

"Mom, you really shouldn't work this har-"

"-I'll be fine Clayton!" She snapped, before calming herself, tears welling in her eyes. "So, tomorrow is the big day, huh?"

"Yeah. Don't worry, I'll be sure to call frequently.” He smiled, staring down at his new equipment. “Thanks again."

“There’s a little more upstairs in your room. I figured at the age of eighteen you wouldn’t need me to help you with it. Go on ahead sweet heart, I’m going to go lay down for a while.”

Clayton stood, gently hugging his mother once more, before creeping up the stairs to his bedroom. Opening the door, his posters of the Unova Elite Four members littered the wall, along with his personal collection of Training books. On his bed was a backpack, much more newer than the ratty one on his back. Replacing all of the objects in his old bag to his new one, he was surprised to see a new uniform inside. Pulling it out, it was a leather jacket, a white t-shirt, some finger-less leather gloves, and two pairs of khakis. Clayton knew that four weeks of over-time could afford a lot more than just ten Pokeballs.

Donning the clothes, Clayton looked in the mirror. Despite the gruff expression on his face, he was a gentle and kind young man. He had a strong jaw, kind blue eyes, and short brown hair. He also was a bit of a giant, standing at a massive six feet, eight inches tall. His build was one of a strong young man, abnormally so due to his body size. Fitting a trainer's belt around his waist, he took no time hitching the unoccupied poke-balls to his hips, placing the remaining four into his bag for safe keeping.

Laying down on the bed, Clayton closed his eyes, as thunder exploded in the sky, and the rain pattered down on the roof above him.

--------------

It wasn't long before Clayton was up again. It was the fourth time that night, and the sun had fully gone down over the horizon at this point, so he knew it was late. Pausing, Clayton looked around, before laying down on the bed once more.

"HELP ME!!!"

"THERE'S NO USE RUNNING, RODENT!"

Clayton jolted himself awake again. Shaking his head, he stood, clenching his fists, something wasn’t right, and those voices were right outside. Charging down the stairs, Clayton was sure to bring his bag with him, in case he needed it. Rain continued to pour down, Clayton ripped the door open, charging out into the storm.

Reaching the forest’s edge, his foot met a wet patch of mud, and he slid a good foot before falling onto his back.

"Help me, please!"

"SHUT UP! NOBODY'S GONNA SAVE YOU!"

Clayton stood once again, the wind becoming much more fierce, the thunder roaring overhead. Heading into the woods, Clayton stood in shock, screams of pain echoing from the thicket in front of him. Cutting through it, he saw a pair of wild Herdier's snapping their jaws at a young Pikachu. It looked up at him pleadingly, as Clayton lifted a stone high above his head.

"Get out of here!" Clayton barked, as the Herdier's neck fur stood up on edge, the two dogs turning, teeth bared.

"Looks like we've got a meddlesome human on our case," One of them snapped it's jaws at him. "He'll make a fine DESSERT!"

Clayton stiffened, as the other dog moved to flank him. Everything was still for a moment, minus the endless downpour.

One of the Herdiers pounced at the trainer, as the Human swept his foot in a kick, launching the dog back into a tree. Throwing the stone at the other one, he pegged the second Herdier in the snout, which only managed to anger it. The two dogs pounced at once, as a bolt of electricity shot towards them, knocking the two out cold. Clayton turned to the Pikachu, who could barely stand on it's hind paws. Running over to it, Clayton fell to his knees, cradling it's head with his hands.

"You'll be fine. I'll get you to a Pokemon Center. We'll make you well again." Before Clayton could lift the mouse, it jolted him, causing him to lose his grip.

Clayton could tell by the notch in it's tail that this was a female Pikachu, and she was clearly protecting something.

"Pichu." Was all that she could say, before her body went limp in his hands.

Clayton lowered the Pikachu to the ground, gently brushing it's hair. Looking over into the bush, he could see precisely what the Herdiers were after, and why she didn't want to leave. Hidden in a strategically made nest was a yellow and brown egg. Pulling the spare scarf off of his neck, Clayton wrapped the egg in the cloth, and placed it in the safety of his bag. Lifting the Pikachu's body, Clayton decided to give her a proper burial, so as not to be eaten by the Herdiers that had attacked her.

Placing his bag in the warmth of his home, gentle on the couch, he grabbed his mother's spade and the box that once held his Running Shoes. Placing her body gently in the box, Clayton dug her a hole right next to the forest's edge, placing the box in the hole ceremoniously. Covering the box with dirt, the thunder boomed over head once more, and he shivered. Grabbing a few twigs, he fashioned a cross and planted it in the dirt.

"I'm sorry I didn't come sooner, I could've saved both the egg and you," Clayton said. "I'll be sure to protect your child with everything I have. You have my word on that."

He stood there for a moment, hoping his words sunk in to the deceased's soul, before he walked back into his house. Pulling the egg from his bag, he wrapped it in a towel, placing it under the same lamp that his Mother had used to hatch Buster when he was just a Lillipup, which now resided in his bedroom.

Clayton sat there in wonder for a moment, until his eyes started to droop. Working his way over to the bed, he closed his eyes, and thought for a moment of what had just transpired, before his exhaustion finally overtook him.

Astinus August 20th, 2013 7:46 PM

I'm going to guess that you'll have more explanation on Clayton's condition in future chapters? Right now, I want to guess that he had something done to him to make him massive and able to understand Pokemon, and I wonder if the Silph Company had anything to do with it.

There are some grammar issues in this. You use the wrong "its" for possession. When you want to denote that "it" is owning something, you use "its." "It's" with the apostrophe is the contraction for "it is." A good way to help you remember is saying the sentence to yourself using "it is" in the spot where you want to use the word. If the sentence makes sense, then you use "it's." If it doesn't, then it's, well, "its."

Dialogue punctuation is another thing.

Quote:

"Congratulations students, go out and see the world." The man said, waving the two beaming students off.
Here, you want the full stop after "world" to be a comma, and the "the" before "man" to be lower-case, since you're using a dialogue tag like "said."

Quote:

"Tomorrow at six o'clock?" She asked expectantly.
Just like here, you have "she" in lower-case because "asked" is a dialogue tag. That's the only change you make when using question marks or exclamation marks.

You have a good start here for a fanfic. If you work a little on the grammar, that'll help. There's no reason for you not to continue, and I hope that you'll post more of your story when you're ready.

Captain Oshawott August 21st, 2013 5:18 AM

Definitely a different review than I was expecting, I figured you'd hate it :P . Guess that's what I get for being my own worst critique. Thanks again. I'll be sure to put what I have up soon.

The 'condition' will be explained further on :) . I can't really say much about his body type because, mostly, it was genetics :P .

Astinus August 21st, 2013 7:11 PM

We tend to be our own worse critics. I always think my writing is horrible, and post it expecting to get reviews tearing it apart. Then I find that it's the opposite.

Ah, I thought his massive size connected to his need to drink Bronzong's Special Elixer and him having a gift was all from the same thing. Still, looking forward to finding out the truth behind it! Good luck with the rest of your writing! Let me know if you have any other questions or concerns too.

SomaQL August 21st, 2013 7:38 PM

I decided to give this a try, I've always enjoyed writing. This is a Story about a Solo Run of Hoenn. :D

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Last night, it happened. It was a quiet, moonlit night, like most others in Littleroot's history, when Steven Stone, Hoenn's Champion, arrived at my front door. He had flown in from Ever Grande on his Skarmory, and, for the first time, uninvited.
We had spoken on occasion, as Steven was a friend of my mother. He had never shown up uninvited, was always polite, and loved to show me his collection of Pokemon. As best I can tell, Steven not only had the well-trained Pokemon seemingly required of the Champion, he had the heart and compassion to compliment this power.
Tonight was different, however. As I opened the door for him, he trode across the house, to the kitchen where my mother was, not even bothering to say hello to me. He said something to her, and she followed him out of earshot. Knowing I wasn't welcome in this conversation, and assuming Steven would involve me if it concerned me at all, I drag myself into my computer chair upstairs and start writing a tale of me and my pokemon adventuring through Hoenn and becoming a League Champion.
I hadn't gotten much farther than, "Last night, it happened," when I heard footsteps coming up the stairs. A knock on the door, and it opened, revealing Steven and my mother walking in, his face spread in the type of hearty grin only Steven could muster, while hers was taut and solemn, as if she was privvy to what Steven was grinning about and wanted no part of it. He came up to me, knelt down so that he was eye level with me, and held out his hand.
In the palm of his hand rested a pokeball. He put his other hand on my shoulder, and spoke in his unmistakable voice. "Chris, This is to be your companion. I'll admit, it doesn't look too formidable, but it is nothing to be underestimated. I believe in you, and so does your mother, despite the look she's wearing. She doesn't want to lose you, and fears for her safety." I nod my understanding, and take the ball from his hand. I then approach my mother, wrap my arms around her as tight as I possibly can, and ask her permission to leave. She struggles out a faint forced yes, and starts sobbing.
Steven makes his way toward her, nods his reassurance to me, and the two vacate the room. Alone with the ball, I point at the center of my room, and open it. Of all the Pokemon Steven could've entrusted me with, he has bestown upon me a Castform.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Constructive criticism appreciated. Mainly, I'm wondering if I should continue this story or not. As of now, I'm undecided.

Ray Maverick August 23rd, 2013 10:39 AM

@SomaQL try using spaces between paragraphs, as reading a mass of words is tiring to the eye, when you're in front of a computer screen.

The story was fast paced. Exactly how much would you write, if you decided to start it? If you were going to write much, you can be a little more descriptive and explain to us a few more things. What's your name, what's your mother's name, where do you live in the Hoenn region? Why is Steven visiting you? Of course, these can be answered in time, but still.

You seem to describe events from a third person view, rather than your own view, never mentioning how you feel after being given your Pokemon. Give us a piece of your own mind in the story, to give it hue.

SomaQL August 23rd, 2013 2:39 PM

@Ray Maverick, This is properly formatted in my word document, but translates over like this. My final will be a word document that can be printed if you so wish.

I'd write until I returned home after defeating the Elite Four. In this story, names don't have to be important (I wrote a compelling story once that used no names and was written in this style; it was published in my local paper as a work of art :DD). I've always believed that, if writing a first person story, the reader should decide how you, the main character, feel. This is a concept I picked up from the Metroid Franchise, which defined what Samus does and that She's awesome, but never ventured into her personality as a character. To this end, the player was able to imprint their own feelings onto Samus as her personality. I believe that you should be able to accomplish this in writing as well.

To answer your other questions, (where do you live in Hoenn?) = second sentence, Littleroot town. (Why is Steven there?) = To... give me a pokemon.
Thanks for the help, I'll use it to help refine my style :D

Astinus August 23rd, 2013 3:29 PM

Yeah, it's something weird for some people where their spacing isn't translated from Word to forums. How are you adding paragraphs while writing on Word, by the way? Are you double-spacing there or using indents? Indents don't keep here, so it's better to just automatically do the double-spacing while using a word processing program.

Also, in response to your answer about why Steven is there, it's more like why is Steven the one to hand out a Pokemon? Why doesn't he help the main character become a trainer through Professor Birch, especially since this starts in Littleroot Town? It's also kind of weird that Steven is handing out a Castform when he's more known for Steel-type Pokemon.

SomaQL August 23rd, 2013 3:50 PM

To me, Steven is an opportunist. He's one to value all pokemon. He's known for steel types, but he also has Armaldo and Cradily on his team. The whole, rare stones thing. :D I'm indenting for paragraphs. Since Steven is the champion, he would have access to Castform(s), and, since he is friends with (mine/you) mother, so would you. Personally, I'm tired of the professor giving you your mon and your dex. It seems tacked on as opposed to well-thought out and fun to play and write though. As for why he would give me a Castform, I have no idea, I haven't thought that far ahead yet. I've always loved Steven as a character (imprinting's at it again) and I wanted him to be the one to give (me/you) a pokemon. I feel like Steven should be a central character, vital to progressing the story arc that I'm already starting to string out, and what better way to tie him to (you/me) then to have him give you your pokemon. :D

Ray Maverick August 24th, 2013 3:28 AM

It's best if you make all these things clear in your story, from the very first opportunity, rather than tell us. Explaining a bit between the lines not only can make your writing enjoyable and give it a flow, but it'll give it more flesh and impact. Describing events one by one isn't the way to go.

Before you write more of the story, I suggest you ask yourself what the readers know already. Start presenting every detail and explanation clearly and gradually, as not to confuse or bog the story down with too much information. That should set a stable basis for you to write the rest. If you decide to write more, I'll be glad to review it

Konekodemon September 1st, 2013 6:10 AM

Guess everyone liked mine then. I figure, there's nothing wrong with it if no one has anything to say after all, hehe. So, I did good then.

starseed galaxy auticorn September 10th, 2013 2:16 PM

Okay so... this is an original fiction story I started writing. Be warned that it does have anorexia triggers, which is why I'm placing it under a spoiler. I'm don't want to trigger anyone who might be/has suffered this in the past.

Spoiler:
I hated my body because I wasn't anything like those models in magazines. I dreamed of being perfect, even though I would never be that way. I couldn't stand looking in the mirror just to see how fat and ugly I was. I pulled at the thick skin on my stomach while letting out a huge sigh. I couldn't believe I was this chubby, even though my best friend said I looked fine.

No one really understood the struggles I had in my life. I never got very good grades, and I was nothing like my perfect older sister. I looked at the cuts on my arms; some fresh and others that were now scars. Tears streamed down my cheeks upon one more glance in the mirror, realizing I was completely inferior.

You are worthless and ******. You don't deserve to live anymore... I thought to myself as I broke down crying.

I took out one of my razor blades and sliced a horizontal line across my wrist. Blood oozed out from the fresh cut when I started to feel numb. I stopped crying to look back in the mirror with a long sigh.

I placed a large bandaid over the cut to hide it from my family. There wasn't a single person who knew I actually did this to myself. I threw on a Hello Kitty t-shirt, a black zip-up hoodie and a pair of blue jeans. I applied light pink eyeshadow to my eyes with black eyeliner and cherry red lip gloss.

Mom was making breakfast when I came downstairs as I took a seat at the table. Allie glared at me from across while eating her scrambled eggs. I wasn't very well liked in this family because of my imperfections and mistakes. I had to do things on my own because my parents wouldn't do anything for me, except provide my meals.

"Where's my breakfast?" I asked mom, even though I didn't feel like eating.

"You can get your own breakfast. You're not lazy." mom told me as I looked down.

I poured myself some Cheerios and started eating them without a glance at her. Dad came downstairs, only to glare at my like I had done something wrong. I could remember a time when we used to be such happy, supportive family. Everything used to be so perfect until me and Allie grew older and matured.

"Shouldn't you be at school, Maya?" he asked me, knowing he just wanted me gone.

"School doesn't start for another hour and a half." I frowned at him.

"Well, it would be so much better around here without a piece of **** like you." he scowled as I looked away and held back my tears.

I knew I was better off dead, but I couldn't go through with killing myself. I had many attempts at doing it, yet I was always caught by my sister. Allie cared enough about me to stop me from killing myself, even though sometimes her love wasn't enough.

I placed my empty bowl into the sink, grabbed my bag and headed off to school. I had the urge to throw up what I had just eaten. I felt like **** because I knew I was fat, and that was never going to change anytime soon. I snuck into the bushes to place to fingers behind my throat and finally puked.

I had to admit that it felt soothing to do this, despite how fat I was. I hadn't done this in such a long time because I hid these things from Allie. I wiped my mouth on my sleeve and proceeded to school.

The only good thing about it was seeing my best friend Paisley. We had been best friends since the start of middle school. I told her everything, even about my self-harm and self-hatred of myself. I had no idea what I would have done without her in my life.

"Did you eat today?" she asked me when I shrugged. "Maya, you did it again, didn't you?" she looked at me and began frowning while her eyes filled with worry.

"I can't help it. You know I feel disgusted with myself." I glanced away from her.

"You promised me you were going to keep your food down today." she pouted and crossed her arms.

"I never promised anything. I can't promise something I have no control over." I told her as I let out a deep sigh. "I just felt really gross today, and I still feel like ****." I said with total honesty.

"I'm worried about you." she replied while we came up the steps.

Two girls blocked our way and prevented us from entering. Paisley clung to my arm as I stared at both of these girls. One had black hair, almond shaped brown eyeshadow light skin. Her other friend had sunny blonde hair and bright blu eyes. Popular girls have it easy... I thought to myself.

"We need to pass." Paisley spoke up, showing every bit of confidence she had.

"Fat *****es aren't allowed here." the Asian girl replied with a smirk on her perfect face.

I looked down, realizing she was right about me being fat. I took everything people said about me to heart when I shouldn't have. I felt my stomach growling from the lack of nutrients after throwing up.

"At least we have inner beauty nor cold-hearted inside and out!" Paisley snapped at the girls continuing to show remarkable courage.

"Oh, please! Inner beauty isn't going to get you anywhere, hun." At he blonde haired girl stood there crossing her arms.

"How would you know? It's not like either of you have it." she smirked without any fear at all.

A teacher came up the stairs, allowing us to follow behind her. Neither of the girls had a chance to keep us from entering. Paisley led me to the cafeteria, only for me to be nauseated by the scent of food around me. I ran out before I started gagging from all of those smells. My head was pounding immensely, but I hadn't gotten dizzy.

"Maya, please eat something." Paisley panicked, even as I shook my head.

"I...can't..." I sobbed with her standing next to me. "Eating...makes me feel...so gross..." I let my tears roll down my cheeks when she hugged me.

It wasn't until I noticed my crush entering the cafeteria. He had messy black hair, two different colored eyes and headphones in his ears. I stopped crying even though he ignored me and pretended I was non-existent


I'm not the best writer, and I am aware of that. However, I do like my writing style. I improve little by little each day since I'm a self-educated writer. I just thought I'd show you guys my writing since I've never actually shown anything here, yet I've bragged before about how I'm a writer and what not.

MTG September 13th, 2013 5:22 PM

oh right, currently i'm doing crossover of Ignitionshipping (aka Volkner and Flint) when they a game together. though i do need a better title...
spoiler because, well, need some major editing.
Spoiler:

A Ignitionshipping x Homestuck AU

A young man in his young 20s is standing inside of his room waiting for his best bro coming home from work. So they can begins a new game they revived, however, waiting for him all day making him very impatience. However, luckily, being the strongest gym leader of the Sinnoh Pokémon league was worth of getting the beta copy. Also having a friend being a member of the Elite 4 increased of getting another beta copy in case one of them lost it. However, the original will be release next month, but his bro could not resist of getting “A game to die for!”
Before we go on this story, we need to know his name.

Enter Name:

Sparkystinkybutthead

TRY AGAIN, DUMBASS!

Try Again:

Volkner Corrado

Whatever...

Be the depress Gym leader:

Your name is Volkner, the last gym leader of the Sinnoh Pokémon league, plus the strongest. For so many years of battling challengers’ Pokémon, you lost your spirit of battling (Again). Therefore, you gave away badges without the battles for a while now. However, your friend was trying to cheer you up again, but been busy of battling top participators at the Elite Four Tower. Therefore, you’re all alone inside of the tower, doing nothing. All though your other interests are building high tech stuff; after all, you did build all of these awesome solar plates all over the city. Sadly, it’s a rainy day today, so you are just standing here, once again, doing nothing. For being so depress of waiting, your suggestion is at least do something. However, what will you do in a rainy day?

Volkner: Examine Room
Someone once told you there is always something to do on a rainy day. You did remember that one time in your childhood when you and your bro both had the same situation in that stormy day…
But you are too busy examining the room that is called “your”.

Volkner: Look at a poster of…

*sigh*
Lt. Surge, one of the best electric gym leaders of all time. Though he was the third low class gym leader, but his guts never failed him. For had challenged so many amazing trainers all over the world, his smile never move an inch of jealously.

Volkner: Kiss the poster!

What! How childish of you wanted to see him kissing a stupid poster of Lt. Surge! That just stupid and child play.

Volkner: Please kiss the poster

No way!

Volkner: PLEASE kiss the poster! Walk to the window

You walk to window to see if you see your bro out there, but no spot of him, which made you upset. He supposed to finish his last battle a while ago to get the game started, you guess the rain is getting heavy over the tower and the flight will be bumpy. You guess you could for him a little bit.
Speaking of the son of *****, you got a message.

Volkner: Look at the message

famousSocialite[FS] Began Bothering energeticVictor[EV] at 3:02 pm
FS: Yo, Volkner!
EV: Oh hey…
FS: Don’t tell me, you still skipping battles again? What if the champion finds out about this, I won’t be holding this in for any longer, man!
FS: she will find out with her *****y powers.
EV: ….
FS: *sigh* you have to get over it, this is not the Volkner I know since we became friends for “I don’t know how many” years.
EV: …Are you still at the tower?
FS: Nah, man. I am free as a Butterfree!
EV: Oh, so you are coming…
FS: Yeah bro! Therefore, we can play the copy the company had made.
EV: Very well, I guess I’ll install the copy while you head here.
FS: Alright, Volkner.
FS: While you at it, my little brother is coming by so we may be do a threesome.
EV: ….
FS: What?
EV: Oh nothing.
EV: I was wondering why you wanted your little brother to play with us?
FS: Don’t worry about it, I bet he will just watch us.
FS: like he always does.
EV: Alright, whatever you say…
FS: Ok! See you later then.

famousSocialite[FS] Deceased Bothering energeticVictor[EV] at 3:10 pm

Be the other guy:
Another young man around his 20s is standing behind the tower of the Elite four and finishes the day of defeating a lot of fire up opponents. However, being an elite four member can be tough like getting your ass kick every time you being challenged by that ***** who know your weakness every time.
Before you lose your flame from the heavy rain, let’s guess this guy’s name!
Enter name:
Sir ****tybirdnestalot
Lol
Ehhhh, every character should be insulted from these random names, but this guy seem to like the joke. What’s this? There’s something on his umbrella, with a Lopunny drawing on it. Saying: Friendship never ends…
Try Again?

Flint Adrien

OK!

Nolafus September 14th, 2013 7:17 AM

Okay, now that I have played Homestuck a little bit, I'm now ready to help.

Right now, your fic is set up for Homestuck fans, and only Homestuck fans. I was completely lost when I read through, before playing Homestuck. As long as you're okay with this, it's fine. Just letting you know that your target audience is somewhat limited.

I won't go to specific grammar details here, because no one else has and I'm wondering if this is what this thread is for, but there is room for improvement. I spotted some mistakes that could easily be ironed out with some proofreading. I would work on spotting these mistakes, and fixing them. Perhaps even waiting a day, reading your work again, and then posting it. I think it would help with the grammar.

The reason Homestuck got popular, was because it had a flash to go with it. Since this story doesn't have a visual aid, it tends to read a little dry. A bit more description would help, but make it stray from the Homestuck format, which you have right now. I could see hardcore Homestuck fans getting into this, because of the nostalgia value, but I'm afraid that you'll pretty much lose everyone else. Sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I always aim to give an honest review, so that's what I'll do. The fic can work, but it's going to be a challenge (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

MTG September 14th, 2013 8:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7832553)
Okay, now that I have played Homestuck a little bit, I'm now ready to help.

Right now, your fic is set up for Homestuck fans, and only Homestuck fans. I was completely lost when I read through, before playing Homestuck. As long as you're okay with this, it's fine. Just letting you know that your target audience is somewhat limited.

I won't go to specific grammar details here, because no one else has and I'm wondering if this is what this thread is for, but there is room for improvement. I spotted some mistakes that could easily be ironed out with some proofreading. I would work on spotting these mistakes, and fixing them. Perhaps even waiting a day, reading your work again, and then posting it. I think it would help with the grammar.

The reason Homestuck got popular, was because it had a flash to go with it. Since this story doesn't have a visual aid, it tends to read a little dry. A bit more description would help, but make it stray from the Homestuck format, which you have right now. I could see hardcore Homestuck fans getting into this, because of the nostalgia value, but I'm afraid that you'll pretty much lose everyone else. Sorry if I sound a little harsh, but I always aim to give an honest review, so that's what I'll do. The fic can work, but it's going to be a challenge (which isn't necessarily a bad thing).

nah it's cool, Slayr. i love honest reviews! i just wanting to have my two favorite fandom together; to be honest, i'm not good at doing the Homestuck format, and trying to get an artist for the illustration panels. but nowadays it's harder to find a partner/team for the fandventure. that the reason i joined here for how the other pokemon fans feels about crossover with MSPA.

an illegible mess. September 14th, 2013 11:11 AM

slayr, you dont play homestuck, you read it.

speaking of homestuck, ive been writing this humanstuck fan-fiction??????? yeah idk have the first few bits of it

putting it under a spoiler because its mildly disturbing and talks about death and gore and yeah

Spoiler:
The chopsticks snapped cleanly into two halves, the cheap birch wood offering an even eating utensil only just this once.

His hands curled around them, forming into a position and picking up a piece of sushi. He placed it delicately in his mouth, chewing slowly, the seaweed wrapping the rice and fish together tough and chewy. He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbling slightly.

“Is the sushi good?” His parental figure was facing him from the other side of the table, pausing while picking up his piece of sashimi style salmon. His sterling gray eyes were inquiring, while the boy's ocean blue eyes remained emotionless, and just a tad bit uncertain.

“It could be better.” He replied, putting down his chopsticks and taking a sip of the ice-water. He swished it around in his mouth a bit before swallowing, getting the remnants of the sticky rice out of the tightest corners of his teeth and gums. For extra cleaning purposes, he stuck a finger in his mouth, searching around the cracks between his separate teeth and scratching at half-chewed pieces of fish that remained hidden secretly in the nooks. The truth was, he didn't like sushi at all. He hated sushi.

Accidentally, his finger scraped too hard against the gum line, rupturing the fragile surface and capillaries and causing minor bleeding. He flinched and withdrew his finger, noticing watery blood on the tip. He could taste the scarlet liquid inside his mouth, and he licked his tongue around the sore area to hopefully quell the minor throbbing that ensued.

He then proceeded to wipe his finger on a napkin but stopped and instead decided to stare at the half-blood half-saliva mixture on his fingernail. He hated the fact that it wasn't pure. It wasn't the actual, noticeable bright red that he found pleasing to the human eye. With a look of slight disgust, he brushed his finger on his pants and picked up the book he was reading before the food arrived. His fingers slipped against the paper uncomfortably and he recoiled, looking at his finger to notice a slight papercut.

It bled slowly and raggedly, and he was slightly pleased to notice it was the pure substance he was looking for. Red, bright, somewhat enticing. He kept staring at it, staring into the color. His lips turned dry. He licked them.

What if this red was everywhere? What if it was all over the room? What if he was the one that caused red to be all over the room? He shivered, but out of pleasure or fear? The blood dripped from his finger, in a drop to the ground below. It was so intriguing. He wanted the red to be everywhere.

“Are you alright?” The parental figure's voice snapped him out of his daydream. He was now shivering in fear.

“I'm going to go to the restroom.” He changed the subject and sat up abruptly, hurrying along to the back of the restaurant. He was relieved to find it was only a single restroom and not one with multiple stalls. He went to the sink and looked at himself in the mirror. He had bags under his dull blue eyes. They were no longer oceans, just shells amongst the bed of the sea. He looked back at his finger and put it in his mouth, sucking on the metallic and salty tang that blood offered. It felt... Good. He didn't know why. The shaking didn't cease. He felt like he was about to throw up.

He dropped to his knees, the cold tile floor hardening his fall. There would be bruising. He thought about those bruises, coming in colors of purples, blues, and yellows. His stomach lurched.

His hands curled around the porcelain rim of the toilet and he began to retch into the bowl. The bile stung against the sides of his throats, adding a sour taste to his mouth and lips. He screwed up his face after the vomiting ceased, shaking even harder than when he started. He let out a choked sob and fell to the floor, grabbing his jet-black hair in his hands and pulling and pulling.

Every night was just like this. He didn't want this night be a night like the others. He wanted to stop. He wanted to be done. He wanted to disappear. He wanted to be a rotting corpse in the ground, his organs strewn across the grass and blood everywhere, his eyes blank and glazed and staring up at the sky. Flies would dance around his ripped skin and lay their eggs which would hatch into maggots that would wriggle around and burrow deep, eating his dead flesh and- no, no, no. No, he couldn't think about that. His stomach twisted again. He didn't want to throw up the rest of today's meals. He opened his mouth in a silent scream and prayed quietly for death.

***

Karkat Vantas awoke in his bed, the daylight from his window already fading. His eyes were dead. His feet and hands dangled on either side of his bed. He stared at the cracks in the ceiling with dulling boredom. Another wasted day. Another wasted fraction of his life.

But today was different from the other days. Today was Karkat Vantas's lucky day. It was his last day on Earth. And he knew the above statement was true.

That was his first mistake. The thing was, the above statement was not true. Today wasn't going to be Karkat Vantas's last day on Earth. That day would wait. He was still lucky, however, because that day wasn't far along ahead.

His limbs seemed to move on their own, while his head remained on the single pillow, unwilling to get up. He had to get up at some point. His last day on Earth wouldn't go out without a bang. He hoisted himself up, laying his bare feet on the cold wooden floor. He drew in his toes and sighed. For a second he thought he would have smiled, being comforted by the thought that this was his last day on Earth. But he didn't. There wasn't a reason to smile, the numbness covered up everything he wanted to show.

His bed squeaked as he stood. He didn't bother to stretch and yawn and walked right out of his room to the kitchen of his tiny apartment that he shared with his father.

His stomach growled noisily, and he opened the fridge, shoving his hands around the compartments, scrounging around for anything and everything to quell his hunger. He scarfed down the leftovers from today's lunch: a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and an apple. There was a frozen pizza in the freezer, so he brought that out and placed it in the oven, pacing around the small, two-person sized kitchen and anticipating his death like a child's first visit to a theme park. He stared at the ticking clock on the microwave, situated beside the oven on the counter. It was six o'clock in the evening. It wouldn't be long before his life would end and he'd be content, floating along in nothingness, or whatever came afterwards.

Karkat Vantas wasn't afraid of death. He relished in the idea of it. He didn't believe in Heaven or Hell, and felt no need he had to to have a good afterlife. He believed he'd become nothing, which was exactly what he wished for.

After an hour, the oven dinged, signaling his pizza was ready. He dragged it out and wolfed it down, not waiting for it to cool. He didn't care. He was going to puke it all up anyway. It was his last day on Earth, he deserved to pig out.

There was shuffling in his father's room, and some mumbling. Karkat cursed silently to himself, he must've woken up his father during his nap. He finished his pizza and quickly cleaned the pan he put it on, leaving it in the sink. Hurriedly, he walked into his bedroom and shut the door quietly, hoping he hadn't really woken up his father. If he did, there would be hell to pay, and Karkat didn't want this last day to end badly. He wanted to feel good about dying. He wasn't going to cry today. Today wouldn't end the same as the others. He knew it wouldn't. He'd be dead by next morning, and that was all that mattered.


thats only a fraction of the chapter but yeah im having fun over here writing it im on a roll.

MTG September 14th, 2013 11:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by an illegible mess. (Post 7832909)
snip

oh i forgot to mention that... {D:}

oh wow, sorry if i only read the ending cause i'm a getting sleepy atm. i feel very bad for "Karkat dying" in your work. if only i can read the whole thing then i'll understand it... :(

other than that, i like it a lot, i hope i can see you more here. :D

Nolafus September 19th, 2013 4:04 PM

Well, I tried out something new with my latest chapter (7) and I'm not sure how it turned out. Here's a little part of it. I was going for a timeless, mysterious feel, and it would be great if someone told me if I reached it or not.

For some background knowledge, Nolafus (my main character) , is a firefighter, and got trapped under some burning boards after a nasty fall and passed out due to pain and blood-loss. This is what he sees when he wakes up again. Put into a spoiler for length and I don't want to waste a part you might not have gotten to yet, if you're reading through it.
Spoiler:
When Nolafus opened his eyes, he wasn’t burning, he wasn’t surrounded by fire, and he wasn’t even in a building. Instead, he was floating. Nolafus looked around and he found himself in a sort of void. He remained floating there, looking out at the deep abyss. He tried to remember what he was doing, but the search through his memory was inconclusive. He couldn’t remember a thing. Nolafus felt like he had memories, and indeed he had, but he felt like they happened so long ago. Besides, he was just happy to be floating here, it was relaxing. Nolafus decided that he must have been here his entire life, he couldn’t remember anything else that would tell him otherwise. A deep peace overcame Nolafus as a bright light suddenly flashed.

Nolafus raised his hand to shield his eyes from the bright light, but it soon died down. Nolafus lowered his hand to reveal a dark hole where the light had been. Rays of light showed the outlined of the dark hole, and Nolafus smiled. The dark hole seemed so inviting, he even thought he could hear music. Nolafus thought about trying to remember the clouded memories, but it just seemed like so much work. Why spend so much effort when it was so easy just to give in? Nolafus gave up on his thoughts and began to drift towards the hole, he was still a ways away, but he had time. It’s not like anyone was expecting him anywhere. He had no responsibilities and all the time in the world, he could go anywhere, do anything, but right now, all Nolafus wanted to do was go through that hole. He could just simply fall in there.

Wait, “fall…” why does that ring a bell? Nolafus stopped to ponder this thought which had invaded his mind. The thought was just a whisper, but it kept repeating itself. Each time it grew louder and louder, eventually the thought was shouting in his head. Nolafus raised his hands to his head in an effort to drown out the screaming. He winced, he felt pain dart through his entire body. What was happening? What is this place? Why am I here? Nolafus’ eyes flew open. His memory, foggy a second ago, had now began to appear. He had a wife, wait, she died a while ago. Yet he still felt love, and loved. How can this be? Nolafus remembered two srains, sons? Yes, definitely sons, one was twelve, the other seven. What were their names? Badron and Kren, his two sons. Another srain and a human appeared in his thoughts, Kolski and Joe, my friends. Firefighters, they were firefighters. That one word, fall, why did that word feel so real? Fall, I was falling. Falling from where? There was a fire, and I was falling. All of Nolafus’ memories came flooding back to him in an instant and he remembered everything. He remembered finding that little girl, he remembered falling through the floor, and he remembered not being able to escape. The void that had once seemed so safe, began to fade, and the hole that once looked so inviting. Nolafus noticed it wasn’t a hole at all, but a mouth. Everything around him seem to melt as he was shot up, into a bright light.

Nolafus took a deep breath and immediately started pushing everything off of him. The boards were easier to move for some reason. He shot up and started running through the door. He took off through the hallway where he saw a woman standing there, wearing nothing. She was surrounded by fire and turned away from him, but she didn’t move. In fact, she seemed to be wearing the fire. Her entire body was adorned with a cloak made entirely of flickering energy. Nolafus called out to her, and she turned around. Her first look was one of shock as she walked towards Nolafus and started pushing him back towards the burning garage. Nolafus tried with all his might to escape from her grasp, but it was no use. She wouldn’t let go and despite the struggle Nolafus was putting up, she was able to drag him back into the garage. She lifted up the boards and started to push Nolafus back under them. Nolafus wasn’t able to escape, and not willing to give up the fight, he screamed. Nolafus screamed so loudly and with such intensity, he had to close his eyes and he felt the grip of the woman loosen, and release.

Nakuzami September 25th, 2013 4:25 PM

Okay, I've never really done any sort of review before, so . . . let's see.
First off, I think I'll take the annoying grammar Nazi approach.

Spoiler:
Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
Besides, he was just happy to be floating here; it was relaxing. Nolafus decided that he must have been here his entire life; he couldn’t remember anything else that would tell him otherwise.

I believe that the two commas in these sentences should be replaced with semi colons. It's a sort of break in thought that just isn't done justice by a normal ol' comma.

Also, it's my opinion that the repetition of "bright light" and "dark hole" in such quick succession seems a bit . . . awkward. However, that depends on how much attention you wish to bring to these objects. I guess it's more of a style choice.
The same goes for "Nolafus raised his hand, . . . Nolafus lowered his hand." It's an interesting bit of parallelism, but it just seems a bit off to me. I don't know if it's due to the lack of substance between the repetition, or perhaps the way they're worded. Of course, it sounds odd that I would say that there's too little substance between the repetition, but I believe that's because of your diction. Perhaps changing it to "Nolafus raised his hand to shield his eyes from the intense light, only to have it quickly fade. He lowered his hand . . ."

From there, there are numerous places that you have commas where a period would be more fitting. I'll list those in a moment.
After the "Wait, 'fall...'" The word "Why" should begin a new sentence.
Once you get to "Fall, I was falling," I think you could replace that comma with an em dash. "Fall
—I was falling."
At "began to fade," you should continue with "and so did the hole," or else it sounds like an incomplete thought. Unless you didn't mean that the hole should fade, in which case you should have that as a separate sentence. Soon after that, "seem" should be "seemed".

Then, once at "She wouldn't let go and despite," there should be a comma after the "and".

Okay, here's all the places I think there should be periods rather than commas or extra words.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
. . . drift towards the hole. He was still a ways away, but he had time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
. . . and all the time in the world. He could go anywhere, do anything, . . .

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
Each time it grew louder and louder, until eventually the thought was shouting in his head.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
He winced. He felt pain dart through his entire body.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
He had a wife. Wait, she died a while ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
Nolafus remembered two srains. Sons? Yes, definitely sons.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
Another srain and a human appeared in his thoughts. Kolski and Joe, my friends. Firefighters. They were firefighters.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231
. . . he had to close his eyes. He felt the grip of the woman loosen, and release.



Beyond all of that, I do believe that you have the mysterious feel that you were going for. I'm not sure how mysterious you wanted it, exactly, but there is certainly some mystery to it.

Although, sometimes it's not clear that it's suddenly shifted over to Nolafus' thoughts, which makes the switch between past and present tense seem sudden and awkward. I also think that your paragraphs sometimes come out a bit long. By this I mean, when it comes to literature, the paragraph normally shifts when there's a subject change, dialogue, or when things just don't seem to flow too well together. You also seem to flit through the passage rather quickly, but that's more of a stylistic approach that's entirely up to you.


And now, for my passage.

Okay, I figured I would type this up and get some opinions on how it's coming along. It's only my second attempt at fanfiction, but I've done plenty of writing in the past, and the Roleplay Corner has been my main dwelling for my three years on this site.

I'd like to know how the prologue sounds, and if the first chapter, um, escalated too quickly.
Truthfully I originally had no intentions whatsoever for the story to head in this direction. There was supposed to be no gay at all. ABSOLUTELY NO GAY. At least this means I might have a setup for some drama later on in the story.

Spoiler:

Prologue


"Sound the trumpets."

The atmosphere was dismal as the rain poured down upon the seemingly endless fields. On any normal day, these fields were home to a peaceful clamor that betrayed a flourishing population of wild pokémon.

But this was no normal day.

Today these fields were home to an odd gathering of people and their pokémon. Two armies of pokémon trainers that were preparing to make war. Hundreds of men and women spread out in every direction, their voices nothing more than whispers on the wind as they readied themselves to fight. The gathering cast an unnatural and eerie silence over the area, foreshadowing a night of untold terrors and endless hostilities.

"As you command, Master Cross," replied the elder of the two men. He moved his hand to his belt, bringing out a small, red and white pokéball that gleamed under the moonlight. Tossing it in the air, a large purple wisp materialized in front of the man. "Mismagius, Screech."

A shrill, ear-splitting wail pierced the night sky, turning the fields into a sudden blur of shadows in motion as trainers charged into the heat of battle. Eiro Cross smirked. "Take no prisoners."

Chapter One


It was a bright summer morning, filled with the pleasant tunes of countless pokémon and cooled by a zephyr flowing from the north. The scenery was lush and beautiful. Untainted by the ways of humanity was the Nyxia region, teeming with unimaginable creatures and sights, and dominated by nature. The people that lived here, while maintaining a comfortable life with the luxuries of technology, respected the natural environment and existed in harmony with the region's bestial inhabitants. They had lived this way for centuries, and were taught to live this way even in modern times.

Of course, not everyone respected the laws of the land, and the people native to the region often had to clean up after foreigners and tourists. Still, so long as nature remained in control of the region, there were few complaints to be heard.

Except from the tourists, of course. "I hate planes, so much." Despite his feelings, Matt believed that the plane ride had gone decently well. After all, he'd only vomited a handful of times, and he only fainted once or twice! A new record, by his count. Perhaps this trip wouldn't e as bad as he had initially thought.

Of course, with his luck, something was just bound to go wrong.

Luckily, if whatever ended up going awry happened to be a natural disaster, Shade, his Absol, would be able to warn him. Granted, it would probably end up being something completely unnatural, so it would come without warning.

It always did.

But he couldn't start worrying just yet. His adventure hadn't even started, after all.

He was on his way to Tebra City in order to meet up with a friend and perhaps crash at his place for the night. After that, he would gather up his things and start out on a journey around the region.

The region, Nyxia, was an island far off the coast of Kalos. It bordered upon a tropical climate, but, for the most part, it remained temperate. There was a jungle on the southern end of the island, though.

There wasn't much of an established Pokémon League here, yet—a few up and coming gyms here and there—but there was a tournament. The Shadow Tournament was a tradition here, and it had opened up to the many foreigners that started flooding the region within the past few years. It required challengers to obtain five shadowmarks before they could partake in the tournament, and that's just what Matt aimed to do.

Right now, though, he was starting to realize that it was a bit too sunny and warm for his current attire. He rolled up his sleeves, dropped his hood and adjusted his baseball cap to keep the sun from assailing his eyes.

There was a small, annoyed growl that came from Matt's right. He turned his head and looked at Shade with a bemused look.

"Would you like me to carry one of those bags?" he asked the feline pokémon. Both he and Shade were carrying three decently heavy bags, and they had been walking for a little while now.

Shade gave an indignant snort, feeling as though Matt had just insulted his pride.

Matt laughed. "Then quit complaining, you lummox. We'll only be a few more minutes."

At least that much was true. They had just entered Tebra City, and Scott's house shouldn't have been very much further.

A car horn blared. "Hey, moron!" The driver yelled, laughing as he did so.

"Scott?" Matt turned, slightly confused.

"Why didn't you call and tell e you'd be getting here early?" Scott questioned as he got out of his car, smiling. "Had I not called your sister, I wouldn't have known."

Matt blinked, still a bit startled. "I figured I would surprise you."

"Well, color me surprised." Scott wrapped his arms around Matt and embraced him. Matt struggled to maneuver his arms under the weight of his bags, but he managed to return the gesture.

"Oh! Here, let me grab those for you." Without waiting for Matt to respond, Scott grabbed Matt's bags and placed them into the trunk of his car. He did the same with Shade's bags, enthusiastically ruffling the white fur on his head as he did so.

Matt jokingly pushed the pokémon with his knee. Shade loved Scott to an almost annoying level, and Matt had to admit that it made him jealous at times.

Shade turned to Matt and lightly kicked him in the knee before gleefully hopping into the back seat of Scott's car.

"Ready to go?" Scott closed the trunk of his car and walked around to the driver's seat.

"C'mere," Matt said, stepping towards Scott. He grabbed the shorter man by the waist, pulled him closed and pressed their lips together.

After about thirty seconds, Matt released Scott and allowed him to get into his car, blushing.

Matt got into the passenger seat as Scott started the ignition. His attention was almost immediately drawn to Shade. "Are you purring?"

Shade was eying them both with a look that might have been satisfaction.

"Oh, shut up!" Matt laughed. This only seemed to cause Shade to purr louder.

"Okay, to my house we go!" Scott announced, his face still slightly red.


Nolafus September 25th, 2013 9:49 PM

First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it. I agreed on most points and changed most of the things you pointed out. I do have a problem overusing commas, and I actually have no idea when semi colons are appropriate. As far as the length, I do agree I flew through it a little too quickly, but I'm afraid that's about as long as it's going to get for now. I was never good at drawing out passages while still making them interesting, but it never hurts to try.

I thought since you reviewed my work, it would only be fair to return the favor. While I have the time. Just like you, I'll start with the annoying grammar nazi approach.

Quote:

Perhaps this trip wouldn't e as bad as he had initially thought.

I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.

Quote:

It bordered upon a tropical climate, but, for the most part, it remained temperate.
I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.

Quote:

"Why didn't you call and tell e you'd be getting here early?"
You forgot the "m" in "me".

Quote:

"Well, color me surprised."
This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.

In the prologue we have a battle about to start. I'm not sure how this ties in with the first chapter, but I expect the connection to be revealed later on. I have no problems with the prologue, except for the dialogue, but I'll get to that a little later.

To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.

Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.

matt0044 September 26th, 2013 7:28 AM

Quote:

This is clearly a Trainer Journey fic (titled in such a generic way that it's laughable) but hopefully this first chapter will intrigue you enough to give it the benefit of the doubt. Since it's been a while since I wrote anything, I'm open to constructive criticism and any advice anyone can give. I hope to better myself as we go along. I intend to write out the first few chapters as a sort of pilot before writing out the whole story from then on and seeing if I can garner any readers.

Pokemon: The Black & White Adventure

Chapter 1: Little White (& Blue) Lies

"Rise and shine, Hilda! Today's the day you've been waiting for!"

Hearing her mother's jubilant voice and the knocking on the door managed to wake Hilda up but not completely. Like a zombie fresh from the grave, she still felt drowsy as she groggily lifted herself up to see the time on her alarm clock.

7:00?! AM?! I don't think so, she thought, mentally sighing to herself. Though she was often full of energy during the day, by no means was she a morning person. At least not before eight sharp. Today was no exception even if it was very special.

"Just five more minutes, Mom," Hilda managed to respond with before lying back down to resume her slumber. It was an overused as all hell line but it was all she had at the moment.

Hilda shut her eyes and turned her back towards the door. She then heard the door open followed by her mother, Helga, stepping inside her bedroom.

Helga sighed and frowned at the sight of her 14-year-old daughter sprawled all over the bed, her pink pajamas still on and long brown hair a mess. "You know, when you ask for five minutes, you never live up to your end of the bargain," she said with her hands on her hips in a stern yet motherly pose.

"Just let me sleep a little longer and I'll be good to go," mumbled Hilda, rolling over to face her back at her mother and trying to rest up some more. "I've got time to spare before the Professor comes."

Their pet Minccino, Minnie, was holding onto Helga's head and was keen to chime in. [Really now, Hilda,] she said in the language of her species, frowning sternly. [You're going to be a Trainer very soon. This isn't the sort of behavior you want to exhibit to the Pokemon. They're going to look up to you as their coach and caretaker.]

Hilda was in no mood to deal with Minnie's nagging this early in the morning. She pulled the covers over her head to try and shut them out. As of now, she was deep in the heart of Snoozeville, Population: her.

Helga and Minnie were upset when they spotted Hilda's now exposed feet and got a mischievous idea to really get her up and at 'em. They exchanged smirks with each other to see that they were on the same wavelength. Helga motioned for the bed and Minnie stealthily leaped down to scamper across the floor. The Chinchilla Pokemon then quietly leapt onto the edge of the bed where Hilda's feet were exposed. She tried hard to stifle in her laughter as she brushed Hilda's soles with her gray fluffy tail.

Feeling the ticklish sensation caused Hilda's eyes to shoot open and her body to spaz out as she let out a laugh herself. She accidently kicked Minnie off the bed and rolled off the edge, taking the covers with her. Hitting the floor was enough to really wake her up but she wasn't hurt badly.

Helga held herself as she chuckled at her little joke and squatted down to her daughter still on the floor. "I'm glad you changed your mind, sweetie," she cheerfully said, done laughing but still amused.

Hilda, however, did not appreciate her rude awakening. "Seriously, Mom?" groaned Hilda as she got up to stretch out and yawn. "You and Minnie promised to never tickle me awake again!" At times, her mother could be more of a best friend than a parent. While it was fun and all, she could be a little too playful sometimes with Hilda. Minnie was also a playful, even for a neat freak and a nagger.

Minnie stepped over from the bed, still feeling Hilda's kick. [I admit that I did deserve that. Many apologies, Hilda.] She was responded with a roll of Hilda's eyes.

"I'm sorry too," said Helga softly, starting to show a somber look on her face. "I only wanted to have some more fun with my little girl before she set out on her journey." She then moved in to embrace her daughter with a big hug. "You know I'm going to miss you very much."

Hilda let her irritation go to receive her mother's warmness and return the hug, smiling all the while. "I'll miss you too, mom," she said before the hug was over. "But hey, we can still see each other every now and then and you'll have Minnie to keep you company. Besides, I wouldn't be a Trainer without your help, Champ."

Helga smiled once more. "You're absolutely right. And speaking of Pokemon Trainers," she said while reaching into her pants pocket to take out a small rectangular box tied with a bow, "guess who came early to deliver the starters?"

Hilda gasped in amazement as her eyes widened. "No way," she practically whispered with her mouth quivering before swiping the box from her mother's hands and tearing it open. Inside it, to her ultimate delight, were three half-red and half-white balls each with a white button. A big bright smile widen on her face as she breathing became heavy to compose herself.

"Aurea decided to have the starters delivered ahead of schedule since she assumed you couldn't wait. Also as your teacher, she told me to say 'hello' to you," Helga explained. "So are you wide awake now?" she added before Hilda suddenly embraced her in a big hug, unable to contain herself any longer. The box was tossed away in the heat of the moment but Minnie managed to catch it.

"Are you kidding? This is the greatest moment of my life! I love it!" Hilda squealed as she leaped up and down while clinging to her mother. "I can't tell you how much this means to me!"

Helga managed to break free and get her daughter to simmer down and sit in the bed. "Okay, okay, take in a deep breath. Believe me, I know exactly how you feel," she said smiling. "Just don't get too eager to pick one before your friends arrive, okay?"

"Alright," nodded Hilda, calmer when something dawned on her and caused her to glare at her mother and Minnie. "You know, if you had shown me the box from the get-go instead of tickling me, I would've gotten up in an instant."

"Hey, it was a harmless joke as all," Helga protested when the three of them heard the doorbell ringing and a familiar voice calling out to them.

"Hey, Hilda! Guess who's ready to be a Trainer?"

"Man, everyone's a morning person but me today," remarked Hilda before asking her mother, "Can you show them in while I get dressed?"

"Will do," answered Helga before heading for the door. "Come along, Minnie."

[As you wish, Miss Helga,] Minnie responded politely, placing the box on the floor and leaving the room alongside her owner.

The doorbell continued to be rung as Helga and Minnie made their way downstairs. "Hold your horses, you two," Helga called out, rushing as fast as she could. Reaching the front door, she opened it up to greet her guests. "Cheren, Bianca, good morning. This is quite the surprise, I must say."

"Sorry if we woke you up, Mrs. Helga," Cheren Blakely said politely as he and Bianca began to take a step inside. "We-"

Minnie interrupted them by clearing her throat, getting their attention as well. [I'm sure it merely slipped your minds but any and all footwear is to be left by the front door,] she said in a stern tone of voice. Though Hilda's friends didn't understand the speech of Pokemon, they knew Minnie enough to get what she was saying.

"Alright, we read you, Minnie," said Cheren as he removed his blue and black shoes to leave them by the front door while Bianca did the same with her yellow shoes along with him. She also put down her green purse too.

"Sorry about that," apologized Helga for Minnie's uptight stance on cleanliness. "Anyways, why so early?"

"Let's just say I had a hunch that a certain somebody would be trying to sleep in as usual despite what today is," said Cheren, adjusting his glasses. "So I left at least fifteen minutes earlier."

Bianca Whitley frowned as she adjusted her green beret, knowing whom Cheren was talking about. "I told you that I would've gotten up eventually. Besides, it takes time for a girl to look her best."

"Fifty years, I'm sure," Cheren said in a deadpan manner. "I've been doing this for you since the 4th grade. I think I know what I'm getting at here."

Helga moved in between them to break up the argument in progress. "Anyhow, Hilda's upstairs getting dressed and Professor Juniper recently came along to deliver the starters. So how are your folks at home?"

"Unfortunately, my dad had to attend a school meeting in Aspertia City early in the morning," said Cheren. "But my mom helped me pack last night."

"My Dad's doing fine but I think he was a bit sad to see me off," said Bianca, seeming sort of somber in her tone. "Not that I really blame him-" She stopped when they all heard the sound of rapid footsteps from upstairs.

"Hey, sorry for the hold up, guys!" Hilda said as she went downstairs to the foyer, now wearing blue denim shorts, a white tank top and black socks with her hair done up in a ponytail.

"Oh, Hilda! Good Morning!" said Bianca, perking up and heading over to embrace her best friend in a hug. "Nice outfit. It's definitely you hands down."

"Thanks but I'm not sure if I can say the same for yours," Hilda said while returning the hug. She took note of Bianca wearing an orange vest over a white gown and orange leggings. "I don't think that was part of Elesa's summer lineup."

"Yeah, but it's a classic. Better than Cheren's any day," Bianca chuckled, referring to Cheren's outfit, consisting of a pair of dark blue pants, a light blue jacket and a white shirt. Awfully formal in her opinion.

Cheren frowned and folded his arms. "Well, not that I really care about fashion but aren't those shorts cutting it a tad too close, Hilda?"

Hilda giggled. "What, are they too long for you" she teased, making a lewd look on her face.

The flabbergasted look on Cheren's face was enough to get Hilda, Helga and Bianca roaring with laughing. "That was never funny to begin with and you know it!" he said, red in the face. "Is it too much to ask for our Pokemon already?"

Composing herself at once, Hilda took the box of Pokemon out from her right pocket as she began heading for the living room with everyone following. "Fine, it's best we cut to the chase already," she said as she sat down on the couch along with Bianca and Cheren.

"I'll fix us up some breakfast," Helga said as she headed for the kitchen.

[And I'll stay here and inspect the new arrivals for any germs,] Minnie said, leaping onto the couch alongside Hilda.

Hilda placed the box onto the table before them and took off the lid to reveal the Poke Balls to the excitement of herself and her friends. "I'll let you two go first and the one left is all mine," she offered generously.

"Don't mind if I do," said Bianca as she took the Poke Ball labeled "Tepig" and pressed the white button to enlarge the ball, deactivating the locking mechanism. "Tepig, come out and meet your Trainer."

The ball opened up in half with a "click" with blue-white formless energy bursting out of the ball like flooding water after a dam burst. The energy leapt down to the floor near the couch and took on physical shape as the orange-black Fire-Pig Pokemon known as Tepig. The Fire Pig stretch itself out after being in the ball for sometime and took a look at his new surroundings.

"Wow-," Bianca begun to say before Minnie cut her off."

[Don't get up just yet,] the Minccino said as she leapt down to the floor and went over to inspect the visitor. She sniffed Tepig and eyed him for any kind of grim while making him feel uncomfortable. [You pass. Just don't sneeze any smoke, understood?] She tiptoed away with her eyes still on Tepig who was confused by this.

Bianca giggled at Tepig's face of bewilderment and got up to see her starter Pokemon. "Don't mind her, Tepig, she's just a neat freak as all," she said while squatting down to get a closer look at her Pokemon. "Anyways, it's good to meet you. I'm Bianca."

Looking up at Bianca, Tepig recognized the voice as the one who called him out. [Oh, so you're my Trainer. Hi, I'm Tepig!] he proclaimed while shining his brightest smile that pierced the heart of Bianca.

"Oh my goodness, you're even cuter in the flesh," Bianca squealed as she grabbed Tepig and hugged him, pushing him up to her chest while jumping up and down in joy. "And you're so warm! I just know that we're going to be such great friends!"

[Likewise,] Tepig managed to say despite the tight embrace; though appreciative of the affection he's receiving. In addition, Bianca was very pretty like Professor Cedric Juniper's daughter…

"I'd recommend not hugging him to death before you can find out," Cheren quipped as he took the Poke Ball labeled "Snivy" for himself and pressed the button to enlarge it. "Come on out, Snivy."

The ball opened to release energy that leapt onto the table to become the green-white snake Pokemon, Snivy. He was taking in his new surrounding when Minnie lashed out at the newcomer, seeing where he was on.

[You there!] the Minccino yelled with the utmost anger. [I just had that table swept ten times over in the last four hours! Remove yourself from there immediately!]

Snivy didn't take kindly to others ordering him about and was naturally irritated by Minnie. He turned to the source of the voice while still keep his cool. [Then just clean it again later, hothead,] he said smugly, smiling at how worked up Minnie was. [That shouldn't be so hard to figure out. At least, I hope it's not, simpleton.]

Minnie was furiously gritting her teeth at such condescension thrown her way but tried her best to put a lid on it. A worried Hilda was almost surprise to not see steam coming out of her ears.

Snivy ignored the elephant in the room and turned to the two humans before him. [So who was the one who called for me?]

"That would be Cheren," answered Hilda, pointing to her friend on her left.

Snivy took a good look at his new Trainer, maintaining his cool and collected demeanor, and sniffed, folding his tiny arms. [Eh, you look okay. A bit pale and scrawny for a Trainer but beggars can't be chooser, now can they?]

Cheren frowned at Snivy's tone and mannerisms. "I don't know what you just said but I doubt I'd like it."

"Well, it was blunt, judgmental and a bit too honest," Hilda said before laughing a little. "On the bright side, you two already have something in common."

"How reassuring," said Cheren drolly, rolling his eyes at Hilda's brand of humor.

Hilda took the last Poke Ball left in the box that was labeled "Oshawott" and pressed the white button to enlarge it. "And now for the moment I've been waiting for," she said with excitement. She took in a deep breath to calm down and held up the ball, saying, "Up an' at 'em, Oshawott!"

The same blue-white energy burst out of the ball and landed on the floor to take physical shape as the blue-white Sea Otter Pokemon, Oshawott. The little guy looked around himself with a wide-eyed look of curiosity and nativity, being use to the inside of the laboratory. He saw Hilda getting up from the couch and walking over to him with a smile on her face. Unsure of whom she was, Oshawott began to feel nervous.

[Um, hello,] Oshawott said in a meek tone of voice that gave off a vibe of timidness. [Are you going to be my Pokemon Trainer?]

"I sure as heck am," said Hilda happily, smiling warmly so as to make Oshawott feel more at ease. "My name's Hilda. Don't ask if I have a last name because I don't. Well, I use to before Mom removed it but that's beside the point. It's nice to meet you, Oshawott."

Hearing this, Oshawott soon realized that he himself should've shown more respect to his Trainer. [It's a pleasure for me as well,] he said, bowing like a Samurai. [I hope that I can serve you well on your journey.]

Hilda giggled, endeared by Oshawott's humbleness and politeness. "Oh my, aren't you the littlest gentlemen now?" she complimented, petting Oshawott on the noggin. "Please, don't be so formal with me. I'm your friend as I am your Trainer. And I prefer Hilda for the record."

Oshawott blushed and smiled at the gesture and the compliment when a stern-looking Minnie surprised him upon turning to his left. She made a menacing "I have my eye on you" gesture before tiptoeing away to attend to Helga, leaving Oshawott speechless.

"Don't mind Minnie," Hilda said. "She just tends to be on-edge when cleanliness is a concern." She put out her right hand to Oshawott. "Anyways, here's to our friendship and our team to be. One down, five to go."

Hesitant at first, Oshawott put out his left paw for Hilda to take and shake with. [Sure, I look forward to working together.] He had a good feeling about this girl, better than he had expected. Hopefully, he could be better than she had expected in due time.

"Hey, guys," Helga yelled from the kitchen. "Breakfast will be ready soon. Why don't you go outside and practice a few moves with your Pokemon? Maybe get to know each other better with a few games too, you know?"

"Sure, Mom!" Hilda responded.
That's the entire first part of Chapter 1. Feel free to rip it apart as much as you'd like, giving me an extensive list on what I did horribly wrong and a miniscule list of what I did right (a stopped clock is right twice a day). Just remember that I've writing four chapters and thing may not be as they seem. And yes, Hilda and Helga can communicate with Pokemon and, yes, this will go somewhere other than it being cool.

Nakuzami September 26th, 2013 3:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7849951)
First of all, I would just like to thank you for taking the time to review my work. It had been sitting there for a while and I was worried no one was going to review it.

I thought it would be rude to post something new without reviewing yours, considering yours has been waiting far longer than mine. c:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7849951)
I think you forgot the "b" in "be" here.
You forgot the "m" in "me".

Well, that's annoying. >.>; My keyboard likes to skip some letters at times, and I don't always catch every mistake. Pfft

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7849951)
I felt like the comma after "but" was a little excessive. There's technically nothing wrong with it, but I would consider revising it.

Hmm . . . I suppose it is. I'll take that out~

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7849951)
This sure is an interesting expression. It might be just me, but I've never heard this phrase before and it struck me as a little odd.

I think it's an older expression, but it's an expression. :> Odd is okay! Lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7849951)
To answer your concern about the first chapter. Yes, it does escalate too quickly, at least for me. Up until that point it had just seemed like they were good friends. Since you had no intentions of them being gay, if you wanted to hold off for now and possibly let the relationship grow over the course of the story, it could add another dimension. Of course, this is your story, so do what you want, but for me it escalated too quickly.

This is what happens when school and guys and hormones and that's when I write it and blegh
I fixed it, though. On paper, at least. I have a better idea of how to go about this now, anyways. So, it's all good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 7849951)
Okay, I'm having problems about the dialogue. Not about what the characters are saying, but rather how it's formatted. I don't think you should bold your dialogue. The reader already gets that the characters are speaking, so I don't see how the bold adds to the story. Just a formatting thing that I have an issue with.

Old roleplaying habit that I've become attached to. :x Pfft, a year or two ago I even used to color code dialogue by character. Glad I got passed that. . . .
I'll see about removing it. It's . . . um, I suppose it's not needed as much in fanfiction as it might be in roleplaying, at least when it comes to its usefulness.



@matt0044 - I would try and review yours, but I've had a busy day today and so don't have much time. HMM, if I post a fixed copy of my passage tomorrow, I'll see about reviewing it. Otherwise, it'll probably get a review before I can get around to it. d:

matt0044 October 7th, 2013 3:22 AM

Here's the second part of Chapter 1, directly continued from up there. Once again, I'm looking for feedback and all four chapters so far can be found via the link in my description.

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The three friends and their Pokemon headed outside where the weather was moderately warm, being the middle of June and all. After playing a few games, Cheren had suggested they let their Pokemon show what they were made of. Hilda got out three posts with a target on each one to stick into the ground and went over to stand a distance from them with everyone else.

"Alright, Bianca," said Hilda, now wearing black shoes with pink laces for outside, "Ladies first."

Bianca nodded and turned to face three metallic target a short distance from them. "Go on, Tepig. Show us the power you're packing."

Tepig's nostrils flared with determination with actual smoke puffing out and stepped up from Bianca's side. Figuring that bringing out the big guns would make for a good impression, he began concentrating to amplify the Fire power in his body.

Once ready, he dashed off like a comet and looked like one too with a bright, fiery tail streaking behind him. In just one second, he hit the middle target head on and calmly landed back on the ground, leaving a big, smoldering dent in the bull's eyes. To say everyone else was surprised would've been a flat-out understatement. Even Snivy looked awestruck before returning to his stuck-up demeanor to save face.

Bianca smiled as she went over to praise her Tepig. "That was one excellent Flame Charge!" she cheered joyfully, picking Tepig up to look at his in the eye. "I knew I had the right Pokemon in mind choosing you! You're a real cute bruiser for sure."

[Aw yeah!] Tepig squealed and snorted, happy to gain praise from his Trainer and see her smile. [I kick butt!]

Snivy sniffed. [How very optimistic of them,] he said before turning to Cheren beside. [What's say we display my capabilities so they can remember their place, shall we?] He noticed Hilda shooting him a dirty look along with Oshawott strangely enough.

Cheren saw Snivy talking to him and could figure out what he was being told. "Alright, we'll be going on up next. Snivy, show your stuff!"

[With pleasure,] said Snivy as he stepped up closer to the target on the left-hand side. Two green vines sprouted from under his yellow shoulder growth and he swung them each to strike the target again and again, creating dents in it with his Vine Whip attack. One final whip was enough to make a hole in the bull's eye.

[And now for the coup de grace,] said Snivy with glint in his eyes. He leapt up high into the air and, once above the target, began spinning around to create a Leaf Tornado. The wind around him formed a green cyclone with his Grass power that wrecked the target below.

Hilda, Bianca and Cheren were naturally impressed but the same couldn't be said for Oshawott and Tepig who knew Snivy was showing off. Oshawott, in particular, felt uneasy seeing the target destroyed like that, having been a regular victim of Snivy's power during sparring sessions in the lab.

Once the cyclone dissipated, Snivy landed on the ground gracefully and walked back to Cheren. [No need for any applause. I'm well aware of my greatness, thank you.]

Yeesh, Hilda groaned mentally. And I thought Watcher was full of himself. She took in a deep breath and turned to look down at Oshawott. "It's our turn now, Oshawott. Show us your moves."

Gulping, Oshawott nodded yes and began to walk up to the target on the right, his heart racing in anxiety. You can do this, Oshawott. It's just a harmless target. Imagine Snivy's face on it and you're good.

[Go get it, Oshawott!] cheered Tepig.

[Yes, do break a leg out there,] Snivy said with a snide undertone. [Oh, and do your best as well.]

Ignoring that obvious insult, Oshawott took in a deep breath to gather his Water power and spewed from his mouth a concentrated column of water. The blast hit the target in the bull's eye dead on, making a major dent in the circle and bending the post back a bit. The impact made the others jump a bit from the sound.

To finish things off, Oshawott removed the Scalchop from the suction of his bellybutton and held it before him with both of his paws. Concentrating his power on the shell, a blue aura appeared on the Scalchop and stretched into a sharp Shell Blade, hardening into a solid. Hilda and the others were intrigued by where this was going.

With his weapon ready, Oshawott sprung up into the air and began his descent towards the target with his Shell Blade held above himself. When the moment and position was right, Oshawott brought down his blade on the target and, as he fell to the ground, sliced through it down the middle. Landing gracefully, he made the Shell Blade disappear and swung around to stick the Scalchop back on his bellybutton. Behind him, the target, post and all, split in half and fell to each side. As per usual, everyone else was speechless, including Snivy (not that he would admit it).

Hilda was the one to break the silence. "That… was… awesome!" she managed to say with building elation as she ran over to Oshawott. She squatted to look him in the eye. "Those were some really slick moves. That last one was a real killer most of all."

Oshawott made a bashful look on his face as he laughed. [I'm glad you liked it,] he said, glad to have made a great impression. [Though I must admit that I wasn't really giving it my all.]

"If that was you going easy," started Hilda as she stood up, "then I can hardly wait to really see you in action." Just then, she saw a nervous expression appeared on Oshawott's face, making her concerned. "Is there something wrong?"

Realizing he's setting off alarms, Oshawott tried to hide his misgivings the best he could. [Nothing's wrong at all. In fact, I look forward to showing what else I can do in battle.]

Snivy sniffed and rolled his eyes at such a lie while Tepig got concerned for his friend.

Hilda was still concerned but thought it best not to push it. "Oh, okay," she said. "I think Mom should be done making breakfast, right about now."

"Finally," Bianca chimed in. "I didn't get to eat much of anything at home." She eyed Cheren glaringly as they all turned to walk back to the house. "At least I would've in due time."

"At your pace?" quipped Cheren. "Don't make me laugh." Just as he touched the backdoor's knob, they all hear someone clear their throat and looked to their left where Minnie had the hose turned on and in her paws.

[My apologies for the inconvenience,] said Minnie with a smile on her face, [but outside is where you're most susceptible to grim and germs. Something I absolutely cannot tolerate.]

[Oh, good grief,] said Snivy. This time, nobody could blame him.
Now assuming you managed to trudge threw all that tripe, please tell me what you thought.

Cutlerine November 9th, 2013 3:25 AM

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leaving a big, smoldering dent in the bull's eyes.
That ought to be singular: there is only one bullseye on a target.

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Realizing he's setting off alarms, Oshawott tried to hide his misgivings the best he could.
Rather than "he's", I'd put "he was" - otherwise you automatically read it as a contraction of "he is", which is disconcerting.

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[My apologies for the inconvenience,] said Minnie with a smile on her face, [but outside is where you're most susceptible to grim and germs. Something I absolutely cannot tolerate.]
I'm not entirely convinced by this. Is this person going to drench them all purely because they've been outside? It seems... a disproportionate reaction, to say the least. Also, "grim" ought to be "grime".

I think you lay on Snivy's superiority a little thickly - you don't have to remind us of his arrogance every time he's mentioned, and in fact the way that you do makes it less convincing. It's better in the parts where you show it to us - as when he says that he doesn't need applause - than when you mention it directly through those parenthetical remarks. One or two of those would be fine, but so many instances veers towards overuse.

Overall, it's not a bad scene, but I'm not sure it stands alone well; it probably needs to be taken in context.

Now for something from me. This is a scene from something I wrote a while ago; the year is 1905, the place is London, and a Massachusetts cat and an English thief are stealing Queen Victoria's soul from those who embezzled it on her deathbed in order to ransom it back to the Royal Family.

Spoiler:
Cornhill at midnight. Deserted, save for the dauntless lampposts, standing on guard in all weathers without cease; dark too, save for where they cast their glow, and those rare spots that fell beneath a gap in the clouds and received the blessing of the moonlight. The streets surrounding the Bank were always empty at night, or nearly so; few cared for the place in daylight, but in the dark the great building looked more predatory than ever, a great rusting dragon coiled over its precious hoard of souls.

Isidore Swan had been waiting for the dragon to breathe for a long time, and so had Edgar. Neither of them had moved an inch since taking up their positions: Isidore was taut with anticipatory excitement, while Edgar had the quiet, calm patience of the hunting cat.

(It might have been called foolhardy to attempt to enter the Bank straight away, without more preparation, more refinement of the plan, more casing of the joint. Isidore did not care: he was full of the confidence of youth, and besides, how could one case the Bank of Asphodel any more than he already had done? He could not have done so without actually breaking into it, at which point he might as well just have gone ahead with the finished plan. Besides, time was of the essence: every day that the erstwhile Queen's soul resided in the Bank's vaults, its masters came a little closer to leaving London, and taking the better part of its wealth with them.)

And then it happened, while they were blinking: one moment, there was a hot iron wall there, and then – blink! – there was a green door in its place, and there was a Banker emerging from it.

At his side, Isidore sensed Edgar stiffen. He could not, he reflected, be enjoying this little adventure very much. After all, no ex-convict relished the prospect of returning to prison, and the Bank, he imagined, was a significantly worse place to be imprisoned than any mortal jail.

The Banker stepped lightly away around the corner. Isidore waited to see if another would follow – but none did, and so, clenching his shaking hands into fists to steady them, he crept across the road and over to the door.

He took a deep breath. He looked at Edgar.

Then, afire with trepidation and delight, he turned the handle, and stepped into the Bank.

Immediately, he recognised where he was: the main hall, by the counters – the same place where Augustus Pinch had noticed the mysterious stranger being led to. Yes, he thought, there was the other door, and over there was the little low arch between the desks. And here, he reflected with a grimace, was the Bank's famous heat. It was a little cooler at night, but it was still close to stifling. A fitting sort of air to find in the lungs of the dragon, he thought to himself.

Edgar tugged gently at his trouser leg.

“Come on,” he said softly. “The less time...”

Isidore Swan nodded and stole across to the arch with him. Kneeling, he found its interior studded, as expected, with the same small holes that were in evidence in the door frame; he plugged each one with a tight-fitting length of rubber-coated steel – a device he had invented himself, after he had first encountered spring-loaded spikes. (With the arrival of the goblins' mechanical wizards had come several rather brutal innovations in home security. Apparently goblins regarded theft as punishable by death; many wealthy homeowners seemed to agree, judging by the readiness with which they had adopted their security mechanisms.) It had been his luck that he had had rods of the right width in stock; Augustus Pinch's measurements had stood him in good stead.

He realised then that he had forgotten to plug the holes in the frame of the green door, and went back to do so, hammering each rod in so it was flush with the iron frame. He didn't doubt that whatever infernal spikes the Bankers used would be capable of dislodging or even spearing straight through his plugs – but in the event that they were activated, Isidore preferred to have at least a second or two of protection.

“I'll check ahead now,” he whispered to Edgar. “One moment.”

Without waiting for an answer, he crawled silently through the arch and peered cautiously out of the other end. He was greeted by what looked like a continuation of the main hall, only perhaps slightly narrower: a huge, dark space bounded by iron walls, stretching away further than he could see. It was also, as far as he could make out, deserted.

Isidore wriggled backwards and nodded to Edgar.

“Seems clear,” he said. “Now you check.”

“Why me?”

“You have better night vision,” explained Isidore, “but I had to check first to see if anyone was close enough to see your eyes shining.”

“Ah.” Edgar nodded slowly; it was gradually dawning on him that there was a whole host of things about burglary that Isidore knew to do without thinking that he had never even considered. “All right.”

He disappeared into the arch, and Isidore turned his attention to the green door. If the Banker returned before they had left the hall, and if he saw them... Well, he said to himself, there was no need to think about that unless it happened. If Raffles had thought about how he might be tortured before he set to work, reasoned Isidore, he would never have got anywhere at all.

“Clear,” hissed Edgar, intruding upon his thoughts and recalling him to the present, and he crawled through the tunnel to join him on the other side.

“Left-hand corridor when it comes to it, isn't it?” asked Isidore quietly. Edgar nodded, and they began to make their way down the hall, keeping to the left wall, where the shadows gathered most thickly.

It was getting hotter, thought Isidore – hotter and tenser; if for whatever reason a Banker should leave the living quarters for a walk, and if they should come this way, and if...

He blinked the sweat from his eyes and cleared his head with practised ease, as if he were about to change personality; Isidore Swan was not a brave man by nature – in fact, he possessed a remarkable aptitude for slithering away out of windows or half-open doors when real trouble raised its head – but he valued the appearance of bravery as much as he valued the appearance of expertise, or the appearance of wealth. Appearances were all that other people could see of you, after all; what was on the inside wasn't worth a damn.

There were footsteps in the corridor.

Isidore froze. At his feet, Edgar seemed to contract, shrinking into a tiny dark ball.

The footsteps came closer. He could hear them more clearly now – the light, arrhythmic quadruple-thump of a Banker's feet.

They were coming from behind him.

Isidore resisted the urge to turn around, resisted the impulse to try to find out who was coming; he felt for the corners of his psyche and, fumbling in his haste, tugged once – twice – three times, and with the third pull he felt Isidore Swan leave him, and John Smith settle in his place.

And John Smith, as he always did, stood still.

The footsteps were right behind him now, and had John Smith been able to, he would have felt the swish of the air as the Banker's cloak fanned it gently—

And then he was past, and the footsteps faded on ahead of them, swallowed up by the silence like raindrops drowning in a puddle.

Edgar pawed at John Smith's ankle.

“Isidore?” he hissed. “Come on. He's gone.”

There was no reply. One did not generally receive replies from John Smith. He was not so much a personality as an absence of personality; he was oblivion, an empty driver's seat in a darkened omnibus.

“Isidore?”

Isidore Swan blinked slowly awake on the back seat of the omnibus, clawing his way out of sleep with weak fingers, and with a tremendous effort hauled himself onto his feet; the world seemed to flicker like a dying candle-flame, halfway between reality and somewhere else entirely, but he managed to get at least halfway down the aisle before collapsing. His eyes slipped shut for a moment – but he hooked his fingers under his eyelids and dragged them back open, heedless of the pain. He must not sleep, or someone else would take the wheel, and considering the circumstances, that could be fatal...

Isidore Swan shouldered Charles Devereaux aside and slipped into the driver's seat.


“My apologies,” he said. “He would have sensed a human, even one hiding, so I had to, er, retreat quite deeply within myself to escape his notice. Something like a self-induced coma.”

“Is that even possible?” asked Edgar. There was a note of scepticism in his voice.

“I assure you it is,” replied Isidore. “Mental tricks are something of a speciality of mine; I'm a man of many talents.”

“All right, all right,” said Edgar. “There'll be time to argue later. For now, there are more important matters to take care of.”

Isidore could have pointed out that it was in fact Edgar who had started the argument (and in fact was sorely tempted to do so) – but, as he said, there were more important matters to take care of, so he simply nodded his agreement and moved on.

The junction, when it came, was more forceful than Isidore had expected: he had envisioned a gentle fork, but instead the two passages curved back on either side of the hall like the prongs of an arrowhead. One seemed to slope gently upwards, as far as he could make out in the dark; the other, the left-hand one, sloped down.

It was a lot shorter than Isidore had thought.

This meant he could see what lay at the end of it.

He swallowed.

“Edgar,” he said. “That shape there. Is that...?”

“Yes,” he answered. “That's the dog.”

“Good Lord,” breathed Isidore. “It's enormous.”

It was more than enormous. The dog was easily the largest animal he had ever seen; its soft dark bulk filled the corridor as if the walls had been built up around it. The details of its heads, its limbs, its tail were all lost in its sheer immensity; all Isidore could appreciate of it was its size.

“Not even Mister Holmes ever had to deal with a hound this size,” he murmured. “And his had only one head into the bargain...”

He reached for the bundle on his back and tugged it free, turning it over in his hands.

“I hope to God that thing's strong enough,” said Edgar, echoing his own thoughts.

“There is,” replied Isidore, drawing himself up to his full height and resolutely banishing all visions of the possible consequences from his head, “only one way to find out.”

And taking the wrapped steak in hand, he set off down the corridor towards the slumbering beast.

Edgar watched him go with a look that implied that, while he wished him all the best, he did not hold out much hope for his safe return. The dog was asleep at least, he reflected, which was something of a blessing. It would give him a chance, albeit a slim one. If it had been suffering from indigestion this night, or had chanced to wake from a dream of chasing rabbits in its godforsaken homeland, then they would have been killed as soon as they turned the corner.

“Rather you than me,” he muttered, and curled up as small as he could in the shadows to wait.

Isidore was a man with a quiet pace. He had honed it for years, first at home as a boy, sneaking in and out of rooms behind his parents' backs – practice, he had told himself, for the life of larceny he was to lead – then at school, during unauthorised late-night excursions from his boarding house. By that point, he had it down to a fine art, but he was a perfectionist in this matter and never satisfied: suppose, during some crucial heist, he should step on an unexpectedly creaky floorboard? His feet must be so silent that he could not only recover from such a mishap, but move away without detection so that the noise was attributed to jumpiness or the wind.

So he had gone on practising at Cambridge, where his first real robberies (and indeed first murder) had taken place, and by the time he had graduated and come to London to set up shop for real, he was able to creep up on charnel-bats without them noticing, so silently did he tread.

Tonight, though, as he crept through the hot, oppressive darkness towards the great hound, he surpassed all of his previous achievements in one fell swoop. It was the performance of a lifetime; his feet made so little noise that it was a matter of some debate whether they existed at all, and if he breathed, it was so faintly that even a doctor would have been hard pressed to work out whether he was a man or a phantom. His clothes did not rustle, his sweat did not drip to the floor – and somehow, impossibly, Isidore Swan found himself standing less than a yard from the vast central head of the great dog.

He studied it for a moment. It was as long as his leg, if not longer, and many times as thick; the huge folds of skin on its jowls puddled on the floor like clods of melting fat, and somewhere in that morass of wrinkled skin were two piggy black eyes, shut fast against the night.

Isidore looked to his left. There was another head, as big as the first but with prominent scars on its neck; perhaps one of the other heads had bitten it. The head on the right, he saw, was scarred too; the middle head alone was unmarked, so, he reasoned, it must be the leader.

With the greatest of care, he unwrapped the thick layers of scent-obscuring cloth from the slab of horsemeat and laid it just before the noes of the middle head.

And now it was time for the encore to his last great display of stealth: he slipped away, hugging the wall, as in its sleep the hound recognised the smell of food and began twitching into wakefulness. First an ear twitched, then a paw; Isidore went as fast as he dared, hearing the creature stirring but unable to look back for fear that, somehow, it might sense his eyes upon it.

Edgar watched it all from his end of the passage, eyes wide in the dark, drinking in every detail – see, Isidore almost stumbling in his haste – now the dog, thrusting a paw forwards – and Isidore was moving away faster – and—

All at once the whole mountain of flesh and fur surged up and into life at once, and if the dog had seemed huge as it slept it was positively Brobdingnagian awake: its heads brushed the ceiling and its shoulders the walls, and the light that shone from those six fist-sized eyes was something unholy to behold, lighting up the corridor like bloody suns.

Worst of all, Isidore was only halfway down the corridor.

He froze, too startled even to call on John Smith, and the dog took a step forwards—

And stopped, bending all three heads down to see what it had stepped on. Delighted, it completely forgot that it was supposed to be a vicious guard dog and sat down, wagging its tail vigorously and setting the middle head to tearing chunks of meat from the slab. Occasionally the right and left heads tried to steal a piece, but would always back away if the central head started growling; when the right head finally managed to get a sliver of meat in its mouth, the middle one sank its teeth into its jaw without hesitation, and it dropped it with a whine.

Isidore did not dare breathe.

In ten great bites the meat was gone, and the hellhound sniffed appreciatively. Then it sniffed again, puzzled this time, and got back to its feet. The middle nose began sniffing along the ground, trying to track the odd scent to its source, while the left and right heads kept a strict watch, panning back and forth like indecisive artillery pieces.

Isidore was good at holding his breath, but to tell the truth, he was starting to run out of air. He would have loved to give up his body to John Smith, but twice in one night was too risky; it would not be wise to give him a chance to tighten his grip on his body.

The hound padded closer, sniffing and staring. Perhaps he had calculated the dosage wrongly, thought Isidore – perhaps there wasn't enough toxin to fell such a gigantic animal – God knew that it seemed bigger than Edgar had described—

The questing nose of the middle head was less than five yards away. Why hadn't the others spotted him? Isidore was not sure, but he was in no mood to complain; if he could stay alive, not even necessarily get the soul but just survive this evening, that would be enough for him. He began to imagine what it felt like to be torn in two, to feel inch-thick fangs puncturing your waist, one paw holding you down while the head bent back and pulled, pulled, pulled until your spine gave way with a crack...

The left head, he noticed suddenly, the one that really should have seen him by now, was drooping limply at the hellhound's side. And as the dog snuffled closer, he saw that the right one had slumped as well, and the forelegs beneath them looked a little less certain.

But the middle head was still indisputably awake, and one bark from it would bring all the Bankers in the building down upon their heads, and Isidore could feel it sniffing at his shoes

The head rose slowly, like a sea serpent raising itself up gently above the waves. Its burning eyes swept up his legs, over his jacket and finally came to rest squarely on Isidore's face.

Isidore Swan smiled weakly. The hellhound, all blazing eyes and foetid breath, did not return the gesture.

It opened its mouth to bark, and Isidore braced himself to run—

A soft, wheezy snore emerged from its throat, and with a great whumph the hound collapsed at his feet.

For a long moment, Isidore stared at the sleeping dog. Then, realising he was close to passing out from lack of air, he let out a long breath and gratefully sucked in another.

Lord,” hissed Edgar, making his way cautiously around the comatose dog. “Where do you buy your nerves? I could use some as strong as that.”

Isidore Swan cast his fears aside and gave a roguish grin.

“All in a night's work,”he said. “In London, a thief must be prepared for anything.” He glanced down the passage to the wall the dog had been sitting in front of – the wall dominated by a tall, thin door like the lid of a coffin. “Now,” he said, advancing on it. “Let's see if we can't get inside that vault...”

---

Inside the vault, it was as hot as hell and as black as sin. All in all, it seemed rather appropriate.

Isidore had taken care of the door with ease – there was, he liked to say, not a lock built that he could not pick given a couple of wires and ten minutes' jiggling time – and now he and Edgar stood on the threshold of what was quite possibly the greatest treasure trove in the history of the Earth.

“It's so hot,” muttered Edgar. “I don't remember it being this hot.”

“You said yourself your memories were a little fuzzy,” pointed out Isidore. “Come on, let's get inside. We can shut the door then and light the lamp.”

“If you shut the door, we'll be baked to death,” Edgar said. “Leave it open a little, at least.”

Isidore pondered. He did not relish being slow-cooked in a gigantic iron oven, but nor did he desire anyone outside to notice that the door had been opened. In the end, he left the door just slightly ajar – hopefully so little that the glow of his light would not be visible from outside – and backed carefully away from it before lighting the lamp.

(It was an oil lamp, of course. Tesla reception was notoriously unreliable even in the main hall of the Bank, and here at its heart he didn't doubt that the electric torch would have failed to start at all.)

“Good Lord,” he breathed, blinking in the sudden light. “Isn't that...”

There were no words to finish the sentence, and how could there have been? So many souls, glimmering and glittering in their little jars, stretching away forever on rusty shelves; in the dark, they appeared as very slightly discoloured patches of shadow, but when the light caught them – ah! They iridesced like magpie wings, like puddles of oil, like exotic coral; they flowed and twisted and shaped themselves into little faces before falling apart into drops of pure beauty once again, forever in glistering motion.

“Have you ever seen a soul, Isidore?”

Isidore shook his head.

“No,” he admitted. “Not before tonight.”

“They're pretty, aren't they?” Edgar watched one with avid eyes. He felt an urge to break its jar open, to bat it about between his paws like a moth or a mouse, but he suppressed it: he was not a cat, after all; he was more than a cat, now. “They'd make lovely decorations.”

“That they would,” agreed Isidore. “If I wasn't certain the Bank would be able to sense large quantities of them moving around, I would almost certainly take some home and pump them into the light bulbs.”

“I take it you don't believe in the sanctity of the soul, then?”

Isidore laughed – quietly, but mockingly.

“Really, Edgar, the soul is a metaphysical appendix, as far as I make out. It does nothing, you get on very well without it, and there's always a risk that it will go bad and cause you the most frightful pains.”

“Conscience is the appendicitis of the soul, is it?”

“Exactly.” Isidore beamed. “Now, where is the Queen's soul?”

“I think it's over here,” said Edgar, padding away down the aisle. The souls fluttered in their jars as he passed, pressing themselves against the glass in a fruitless attempt to reach him. When Isidore followed, however, they relaxed, drifting back to the centre of their cells to float and twist aimlessly.

“A long way,” muttered Isidore, after a few minutes. “Just how big is this place?”

“Vast,” replied Edgar. “It's not just souls here, you know – that's just the area near the door. They keep visions here, and memories of distant lights; trophies of old dead monsters, and books that no one can read. Victoria's soul, as I recall, is tucked in among the memories – I'm not sure why. It's part of their filing system; it only really makes sense to Bankers.”

Isidore nodded.

“I see. Perhaps they feel a royal soul ought to be kept apart from the plebeian sort?”

“Perhaps,” agreed Edgar. “I don't rightly know.”

They walked on in silence for a while. The heat seemed to be growing, if anything; Isidore could feel the blood pulse in his head with every heartbeat, and his hair was slick with sweat. It was a wonder, he thought, that all these souls were so well preserved; presumably metaphysical entities didn't go bad in the same way that, for instance, a lamb shank might.

After a little while, the shelves' contents ceased to wink and twirl in the lamplight, and instead of jars Isidore saw aromatic wooden boxes and strangely-shaped tusks; on one shelf were the clawed feet of no creature living, on another a long thin skull like that of some monstrous heron.

“The trophies,” said Edgar. “I don't know where they came from.”

The pickled hand of a European troll; the lethal curved pincers of a bandersnatch – those were the only two items that Isidore could name, and even then their identities did not come to him until days later, when he suddenly recalled pictures from a bestiary he had read as a boy. The rest of the trophies – claws, glands and eyes, makeshift maces and jagged teeth – remained forever mysterious to him. Sometimes he would dream of that place, of the money that could have been made through selling those relics to the right buyer – but he did not take a single one.

(He told himself that this was because he could not identify them and therefore couldn't be certain of finding the right buyer – dead monster parts were not his area of expertise, after all – but in reality, it probably had more to do with a strange feeling he had that this was somewhere not even the bravest thief ought to be, and that if he really had to steal something here then he had better make sure he took as little as was humanly possible.)

After the trophies came the memories: tiny Egyptian faïence pots, no bigger than Edgar's paw, that occasionally began to shake on the shelves for no good reason; they always calmed down after a few seconds, but Isidore couldn't shake the unpleasant feeling that they were about to explode.

“They crammed her into one of these to make her fit in,” said Edgar, casting an eye over the shelves. “It's a blue-black one, slightly bigger than the others. There's a V on it for Victoria.”

The search went on a lot longer than Isidore had envisaged, even with two of them; Edgar could only search along the bottom shelves, for he didn't trust the decrepit metal to take his weight if he climbed it, and that left the best part of the section to Isidore. There didn't seem to be any blue-black pots at all, he realised. Almost all of them were an odd off-white, and most of the rest were green.

All, that is, except that one there.

“Ah,” he said, picking it up. “Edgar, is this the one?”

He knelt down and held out the pot; Edgar came bounding over, whiskers quivering in anticipation.

“Yes,” he breathed, staring at it with naked avarice. “Yes, that's it... that's the one!” He ran a pale tongue over his lips. “Right,” he said, with what was clearly a tremendous effort to keep his voice level, “we can't take it out like that.”

Isidore frowned.

“Why not?”

“The pot's marked,” explained Edgar. “There's a kind of magical tag on it – if it leaves the area, it sets off an alarm. Or at least, I assume there's a tag on it; there was one on me.” He scowled, which was an unusual look for a cat. “That's how they got me the first time I tried to escape. Thankfully that summoning business scrubbed it off me, but there'll be no such luck with this one.”

“So what do we do?” asked Isidore, keeping a tight grip on the pot. (It was starting to go through the shaking routine.) “Pour it out into my pocket?”

Edgar gave him a withering look. Coming from most people, this did not usually affect Isidore, but Edgar's was a very withering look, and he winced slightly under its force.

“It's Queen Victoria's soul,” he said. “Not her jewels. You can't keep it in a pocket, only in a special container. Or in a body,” he added.

Isidore hesitated.

“Ah,” he said. “So one of us needs to absorb it. But then how do we get it out again?”

“Well, we have souls already,” pointed out Edgar. “A second soul won't take. It'll just ride on the top – we could push it out at any time, given a little effort.”

“I wish you'd told me all this before we came here,” said Isidore. “I was under the impression that we could just pick up the soul and get out of here.”

Edgar sighed.

“Perhaps I ought to have made all this a bit clearer,” he admitted. “But we're here now, and we need to get out soon or we'll both collapse from heatstroke. One of us has to absorb the soul.”

“Then, er, it had better be you,” said Isidore diffidently.

Edgar stared at him.

You? You lost your...?”

“I never lost it,” snapped Isidore. “I know exactly where it is: here.” He waved a hand in the general direction of the soul aisles. “I just decided I didn't need it. And I did need some money for a house.”

“Couldn't you have done what normal people do, and got a loan from a regular bank?”

“Look,” said Isidore, with a certain quiet intensity, “what I do with my soul is my own business. I had my reasons for getting rid of it, and they're as valid now as they ever were. So. If you please, Edgar, ingest Queen Victoria's soul and have done with it.”

“All right,” said Edgar. “Lord. There's no need to be quite so defensive about it.”

Isidore shrugged.

“Let's leave it at that, shall we?”

“All right,” agreed Edgar. “We'll leave it at that. Could you do the honours with the lid?”

Isidore held the pot close under the cat's snout and popped the stopper free, expecting the soul to rise up and out of it – but nothing happened.

“Hm? Are you quite sure there's something in this on—”

Something flickered between the pot's mouth and Edgar's face. It moved when Isidore was blinking, or it moved on planes he could not fully see; whichever it was, it was an odd, shivering thing, a thing that looked like a living breath, and that left the pot unusually light when it was gone.

“Is that it?” asked Isidore, but there was no reply. Edgar was staring straight ahead into space, an odd look in his eyes. “Edgar?”

Still nothing.

“Edgar?”

“Yes!” he cried abruptly. “Yes. Sorry. Who am—? No, never mind.” He shook his head so vigorously that his fur fluffed out. “Ahem.” He looked up at Isidore and blinked rapidly several times. “Now that was odd,” he said. “I've never felt something quite like that before.”

“You did just absorb the soul of our erstwhile monarch,” said Isidore. “I wouldn't be surprised if you had a touch of indigestion.”

“Cosmic indigestion,” said Edgar. “Indigestion of the anima.” He shivered. “Like having curry powder thrust directly into your soul.”

“She may have been marinated in spices,” ventured Isidore. “She was the Empress of India.”

“She was also Queen of England,” replied Edgar. “A country where good food is boiled to a flavourless death.” He shook his head. “No, it wasn't spicy. It was just... odd. I've never done that before – only heard about the theory when the Bankers were discussing it.”

“Indeed. Well,” said Isidore, “might I suggest we drink the water and then leave? I don't know about you, but I fear I may be on the verge of unconsciousness, and I have precious little desire to pass out here for a Banker to find in the morning.”

“Right,” agreed Edgar. “Good idea.”

Isidore brought out the bottles and they drained them swiftly, then set off back down the aisle. This time, as Edgar passed them, the souls twirled and bounced even more vigorously; Isidore, by contrast, seemed to inspire something like absolute revulsion in them.

When they reached the great door, Isidore extinguished the lamp and slipped through the little gap into the corridor. It was excruciatingly hot here, too, but after the vault it felt like stepping into a cool breeze. Even the warm, rank wind of the hellhound farting in its sleep didn't seem that bad.

“Lord,” hissed Edgar. “I hate dogs.”

“You would,” whispered Isidore. “Come on.”

So began the long journey back down the passage, and then around into the hall – and on further still, down the main corridor, until from behind them they heard the dog wake with a pained, groggy yelp, and without a word Isidore and Edgar both broke into a run.

Isidore was, of course, far faster, and he snatched up Edgar as they neared the archway; he could hear the leather flutter of wings, and the yowling caterwauling of an alarm, but he ignored them and flung himself to the floor, rolling through the little tunnel. The holes in the walls clunked as he passed, trying to disgorge spring-loaded spikes – but the plugs held firm, at least for the two seconds it took him to scramble out the other end, and it was not until he was back on his feet and sprinting for the exit that the tunnel became a mess of criss-crossed metal.

Here in the main hall, ports were opening in the ceiling, and furry things were falling like rain; one landed on Isidore's arm – but pain is something one feels, and Isidore Swan almost never felt anything at all, and so he barely noticed as the lump of fluff sank its iron teeth into his flesh all the way to the bone.

And then there was the door, and Isidore slammed it open with his shoulder and stumbled through—

—and out onto Cornhill, the October night air taking his breath away with a short sharp gasp. The alarm stopped abruptly: it only sounded within the Bank's walls. If the Bankers had a grievance outside the limits of their home, Isidore thought, they came and dealt with it themselves.

With that thought in his mind, he gathered himself and kept running, shifting Edgar onto his back for ease of movement; and when he saw a corner he took it, and when he saw a wall he climbed it, and when his breath finally ran out, an hour and a half later, he found himself standing on the roof of a set of chambers at Inner Temple, leaning against a chimney-stack and panting heavily.

The Bankers were nowhere to be seen.

Isidore checked again, and let Edgar down so that he might check as well.

“Any – one?” he gasped.

“No,” replied Edgar. “I don't see them, don't smell them... Bloody good job of escaping, there.”

“Why – aren't – they here?”

“What?”

Isidore straightened up. A few silent charnel-bats fluttered by overhead.

“They should have – chased us to – the end of the earth,” he said. “If they knew we had – broken in like that.” He paused for several more deep breaths. “The Bankers would never let us get away with it,” he said in the end. “They would have caught us...”

Edgar shook his head.

“I don't know,” he said. “Maybe they were impressed.”

It was an odd thought, and it fell clear and cold into the depths of Isidore's mind like a rare jewel.
“Maybe,” he agreed. He walked over to the roof and looked down into the Inner Temple Gardens. “I don't know,” he said. “But for now, we have another destination.”

“We're doing that tonight as well?” asked Edgar, surprised.

“We do it all tonight,” said Isidore. “We keep that soul for as short a time as possible.” He probed at the furry thing latched onto his arm and winced as it tightened its grip. “And we find a way to get this bloody thing off me,” he added aggrievedly. “But first – business.” He swung himself off the edge of the roof and down onto the drainpipe. “Come on, Edgar,” he said, climbing down. “We have an appointment at Buckingham Palace – and I'm sure you'll agree that that isn't the sort of appointment one turns down...”

Nolafus November 10th, 2013 11:09 PM

This was a little more than a passage. :P

I must say, I think this is the first time I've read something by you, and I'm really impressed. However, I would have enjoyed a little more backstory on this. Like the genre, what makes it different from today's world, what species the main characters were (cat people?), stuff like that. I was very confused in the beginning because I was deciphering what actually existed in this world. Without further ado, let us begin.

Quote:

(It might have been called foolhardy to attempt to enter the Bank straight away, without more preparation, more refinement of the plan, more casing of the joint. Isidore did not care: he was full of the confidence of youth, and besides, how could one case the Bank of Asphodel any more than he already had done? He could not have done so without actually breaking into it, at which point he might as well just have gone ahead with the finished plan. Besides, time was of the essence: every day that the erstwhile Queen's soul resided in the Bank's vaults, its masters came a little closer to leaving London, and taking the better part of its wealth with them.)
I've never been a huge supporter of parenthesis in stories, but they do make sense in some occasions. However, I must say that an entire paragraph might be excessive. There were a couple other paragraphs wrapped by parenthesis, but I didn't quote them because it's more of a style critique than anything else. And that's up to you to do something about it.

Quote:

He blinked the sweat from his eyes and cleared his head with practised ease, as if he were about to change personality; Isidore Swan was not a brave man by nature – in fact, he possessed a remarkable aptitude for slithering away out of windows or half-open doors when real trouble raised its head – but he valued the appearance of bravery as much as he valued the appearance of expertise, or the appearance of wealth. Appearances were all that other people could see of you, after all; what was on the inside wasn't worth a damn.
I really enjoyed this paragraph. I enjoyed all of it, but this paragraph really stood out. It was written well and I got to learn more about Isodore's mind. I like the way you described it instead of just saying "Isodore was a shallow person".

Quote:

It was excruciatingly hot here, too, but after the vault it felt like stepping into a cool breeze.
I don't think that first comma belongs there. The second one does, but the first one doesn't need to be there as "too" is reliant on the first half of the sentence.

The only critique I have of the passage as a whole is that I think you lay the metaphors on a little thick in the beginning. More specifically, the dragon and the omni-bus. The dragon one was more prominent and the reason I say that it was too much was because by the end of the metaphor, I was almost convinced the building itself was a dragon. What confused me about the omnibus was this:
Quote:

Isidore Swan shouldered Charles Devereaux aside and slipped into the driver's seat.
I thought John Smith was driving the omnibus at this moment in time.

The omnibus I'm not really concerned about, but other readers might find it just a tad too thick. I like your metaphors. I think they're very accurate and add a lot to the story, but I feel like you drag them out for too long a couple times. More of a personal preference, but thought I would point it out all the same.

As stated before, I would have liked a little more backstory before I started reading, but no matter. This was really good. Your showing rather than telling, which is always a great sign. The description paints the scene very well and I wanted to know more. Not because I was confused, but rather because I'm genuinely curious about this world you created.

Overall, a really good passage. It's polished, it flows well, and I didn't get lost. If this were a chapter to a story or something, I would probably read a lot more if I had the time. Nice job, this is really good.

Warrior Rapter December 30th, 2013 10:25 AM

I have an unfinished story I'd like to put on here, partly to see how more people like it, partly to motivate myself to continue it. I've got enough of it done that I could probably post a chapter a week for a few months. Anyway, it might sound a bit generic, but means I've had my screen name for a long time, I've always wanted to write a story to flesh out the name. Here's the first chapter:


The sun's glow upon the leaves of the forest mixed well with the cool autumn breeze flowing between the trees. The colors were a vibrant mixture of reds, greens, oranges, and yellows among the branches of the tall brown oaks, and even the shades seemed to provide their own palette of colors to the mix. A lone worker within the shade was chopping away wood from a tree he had downed near a week past.
He was a Velociraptor, unlike the humans that lived around the forest, his dark green scales and the long jagged black stripe down his back gave a sense of camouflage, but it was counteracted by the brown of his cloth shirt and the leather strap on his waist that held his dagger. He swung the woodsman's ax, splitting the wood it hit into two halves. He put the two halves onto a pile of his other gatherings for the day, and as he gazed up at the sun between the leaves, decided to head home with is workload. He shouldered his ax, picked up a handle of the barrow, and wheeled it on to his forest home.
When he pulled his collection next to the side of his house, he looked over the clearing on that side, some of which he had cleared himself, and smirked. He had much of the clearing for practicing combat, using combat dummies he made out of some of the extra wood he harvested. He also had a large boulder with a flat top that he would lay on to bask in the sun. He looked back up at the sun through the oval shape sky above the clearing, and decided against basking at the time. He unloaded the barrow, placing the wood neatly piled next to his house. He put the ax leaning against the pile with the blade up off the ground to help prevent rust and bug juices. He went inside to grab his wooden practice sword and practiced his attacks, defenses, and stances until his scaly skin glistened with sweat. He looked back up the sun and decided to use the rest of the time before it hid behind the trees to bask before heading into the house to sleep for the night.

* * *

Cloaked figures huddled around a campfire that night. Several had missing teeth, most looked as though this was not their first night sleeping on dirt and grass. They had a rabbit skewered over the fire, roasting, though it was hard to tell it was a rabbit anymore. Their clothes were as dark as their attitudes towards each other except one among them. That one had an air of authority about him, however dark his means and looks was. One of the others, with two gaps on his upper teeth and one in the middle of his lower, looked up to the man while his hand strayed toward yanking the last leg off of the rabbit.
“So, your plan to take out the beastly fella' what live in this forest, what it be?” he said before he began to chew on the rabbit leg.
“What business is it of yours, it ain't your plan, now is it, Snapjaw?” replied one of the others of their gang, this one with gaps on both sides of his mouth.
“Shush, Monger, I was asking Bismarq, mean he's the boss, not you.” Snapjaw replied before taking another bite out of the rabbit leg.
“Why I oughta...” Monger said, drawing the dagger from his belt. Within a matter of seconds, all of the cloaked figures had stood up, daggers drawn and threatening each other. All except Bismarq. He sat for a moment, watching his ragtag bunch of thieves threaten each other like a bunch of children.
“Sit down, all o' ya,” he said in a commanding tone. The cloaked figures considered him for a moment before complying, daggers back on their belts. When Bismarq was satisfied with the result, he continued, “Now, as for my plan for the reptilian bastard, I plan to skewer his heart with me dagger, much like that rabbit be skewered over the fire. Then I plan to gut him, just to see what be inside. And, when all that be said and done, I plan to let him rot where he lay. These forests be better without the likes o' him, especially for us bandits. We could use that little clearing o' his to get proper training for louts like you, as a command post for attacking that human town o' Hemlaq. I even plan to make his house me own when I've killed him. Any o' ya argue with the plan, I'll kill yer too, understood.” The others hastily made their agreements with Bismarq's plan, after which he added, “Now rest up, ya lazy slobs. We attack on the morrow.” Every cloaked figure around the fire began to laugh.

Konekodemon February 6th, 2014 8:38 PM

Here's another sample this time from my Inuyasha fic,'Tales of the Western Lands'. A sample from Chapter 1. PLEASE! Leave me some feedback this time.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

While elsewhere,"Lord Sesshomaru!" Jaken called out from Sesshomaru's two headed trusty beast, Ah-Un,"Lord Sesshomaru! Where are you!?" He looked towards the ground below as he continued calling out,"Please answer! Please answer me!"

A thought then struck him,"Is it possible that Lord Sesshomaru was cut down in battle when he went to fight Inuyasha? Speaking of cut down, why should I care if he was cut down or not! He used me as a guinea pig in his sword experiment! And hit me with the Tenseiga to see if it would cut me though or not! He said he was testing the sword, but I'm sure he was just teasing me!"

Jaken pulled on Ah-Un's reins and as he started heading down into a field of flowers he said,"He wouldn't of struck me if there was any doubt that I would be revived." Ah-Un, then landed onto the ground. Jaken got off and the beast laid down to take a nap. Jaken picked a daisy and sit next to Ah-Un starting to pick the petals as he mumbled out loud,"He was testing...he was teasing...he was testing...he was teasing...he was testing...he was teasing." Then suddenly he was down to only one petal and gulped in fear,"He was testing...HE WAS TESTING!"

Jaken then got angry as he jumped up onto Ah-Un's back yelling,"Lord Sesshomaru, would you have really risked my life to test your sword! You ungrateful dog!" Just then a rock came flying up, hitting Jaken in the back of the head, making him fall off, of Ah-Un's back. Jaken yelled as he fell off, waking up Ah-Un who looked around in wonder, of what just happened.

Jaken then jumped up, back onto Ah-Un, getting onto the beast's head, spotting Sesshomaru walking up. He guessed it was him, who threw the rock just now,"Lord Sesshomaru, before I continue in your service, were you actually testing your sword on me!?"

Sesshomaru sighed in respond,"I expected a warm welcome from you, Jaken. Not an interrogation."

Jaken turned pale at that as he laughed a bit,"Oh right! I'm glad you're well. I thought you might be dead."

Sesshomaru picked up another rock throwing it at Jaken again, once again hitting the poor toad demon, in the head making him once again fall off of Ah-Un. Sesshomaru was about to go over and kick Jaken, when a familiar scent assaulted his nose,'Blood, and the smell of wolves,' he thought to himself. He then gasped,"I recognize this blood."

Jaken got up,"Y...You do!" Sesshomaru turned as he started walking away from Jaken,"Milord! Wait for me!" He yelled following after Sesshomaru's retreating form, leaving Ah-Un there, where the beast just fell back to sleep. The two came upon, Rin laying down on the ground, where she was dead,"Uh oh! She's a goner that's for sure. She must of been attacked by wolves." Jaken walked up to Rin, looking her over,"Look at the teeth marks. Do you recognize this pathetic human?"

Sesshomaru didn't answer Jaken, just stood there as a flash of Rin smiling and giggling at him with one tooth missing, entered his mind. Just then he felt Tenseiga pulsing at his side. All too curious, Sesshomaru pulled it out,"Sire, what are you doing!?" Jaken gasped.

Sesshomaru, ignored Jaken as he held out the Tenseiga and started mumbling to himself out loud,"Interesting," he said, as some weird underworld beasts appeared around Rin's body. They were wrapping chains around her body, getting ready to drag her away to the afterlife,"I can see them. They are from the underworld."

"Uh..you can?" Jaken questioned, confused by what Sesshomaru was saying. He looked and didn't see anything at all.

Suddenly Sesshomaru mumbled,"I'll do another test. I'll use the Tenseiga."

Jaken gasped,"Another test! What are you doing sire? What are you doing!" He watched as Sesshomaru swung his sword down onto Rin's dead form, killing the creatures from the underworld.

Sesshomaru then leaned down, as he pulled Rin into his one arm, and waited to see what would happen next. Both him and Jaken gasped in shock, as Rin moaned and opened her eyes,"Y..You saved me!" The girl gasped, actually talking, tears in her eyes.

'She's spoken!' Sesshomaru gasped in his head.

Jaken was shocked,"She's come back to life!" As he said that, Rin wiggled free out of Sesshomaru's arm. Her injuries she had gotten before she died was also all healed up. It was like she'd never gotten a single scratch on her. She grasped her doll in her hand by its arm as she stood there,"Lord Sesshomaru, you resurrected this human girl, with the power of the Tenseiga?"

Sesshomaru sighed, ignoring Jaken,"What is your name?" He asked the kid.

"Rin," said the girl, gripping her doll, in her hand,"I have an older sister, Sakura who's at the next town. Could..you..could you take me to her?" She gripped her doll, as she gave off a hopeful look. Sesshomaru sighed as he just nodded, his head, agreeing to Rin's request. He then got up and started walking away.

"Lord Sesshomaru?" Jaken questioned,"Lord Sesshomaru, saving a human child is surprising enough. But more importantly, didn't Lord Sesshomaru just say he was going to test the power of Tenseiga once again? T..T...That means I was cut down with no guarantee for survival! And to think, I devoted myself to you all these years!"

As Jaken started mumbling wondering how Sesshomaru could do that to him, Rin gripping her doll by one arm, ran ahead of him, following after Sesshomaru, catching up to him and walking beside him,"I just don't understand it!" Jaken kept sobbing. Then he noticed he was being left behind again,"Wait Lord Sesshomaru, I'm coming!" Jaken gasped following after Rin and Sesshomaru.

'Tenseiga, you compelled me to save a human life today,' Sesshomaru thought, as he looked down at Rin, walking beside him. She grinned up at him giggling again. The tooth that had been missing before was back in her mouth,'And now I must take her to her sister. It's too dangerous to leave her here. Why I'm even bothering, I don't know. But I will find out.' The group of three walked on as Sesshomaru thought this.

Astinus February 14th, 2014 10:07 PM

This little bit is an unused portion of my pet project, Long Twilight Struggle: Heirs of the First Revolution. (You might be a history nerd if you get where the title comes from.) I decided to share it here because what else am I going to do with it?

It's the beginning of chapter five, though. I was completely stuck on how to begin this chapter, and this was my last attempt before I figured out the way that worked. This one was a little too much dialogue, and it worked better when I cut down on the amount of characters to start with.

Spoiler:
In his memories, Iori could never remember a time that he ever told a lie. They just weren't something that passed his lips, and any that he thought of were squashed down in his mind by his grandfather's words. Lies were painful, hurt people that Iori cared about and never wanted to see sad. And his grandfather would be greatly disappointed if he found out that Iori told a lie or accepted a blatant one told to his face.

Which was why Iori was still staring up at the ceiling of his bedroom, hours past his bedtime. Miyako's story about the Digimon was too unreal to be true, but Iori had seen the creatures himself. He couldn't deny their existence. To do so would be to tell a lie.

Why his best friend told him to keep this secret, Iori didn't know. He figured there was nothing he could do about it to help him further understand the situation.

Except ask Miyako why he needed to lie.

Turning over in his bed, he went through the relaxation techniques that his grandfather taught him and went to sleep.

– –

“You know we can't get inside, right?” Hikari asked.

Daisuke shook the gates leading to the school yard. The lock on the gate rattled, calling the boy's attention to it. He studied it for a few seconds, as if he had lock-picking skills or a way to shatter the metal. Chibimon, perched on the boy's head, squeaked out various suggestions of differing degrees of possible success.

The rest of the Chosen leaned against the school's wall that surrounded the yard. With their Digimon in their arms or resting against their legs, the children tried to seem casual on the street. They didn't want to call attention to themselves. Miyako already mentioned that they looked suspicious trying to break into school on a Sunday.

“That makes it even better! No one would think we'd do this!” Daisuke exclaimed. He tugged on the lock. It still wouldn't budge. “Do you think we could climb the wall?”

Hikari crossed her arms, smiled at her friend, and shook her head. “I wonder if there's a different way to get to the DigiWorld. The Kaiser can get in, and I don't think he goes to our school.”

“So maybe we don't need to use the school's computer?” Takeru asked.

“Maybe not.” Miyako tapped her chin. “Koushiro and I were talking about things, and he noticed that our new Digivices can open the portal when the old ones couldn't.”

“Is that what the problem was?”

“He thinks so. The rest of you couldn't get to the DigiWorld, but once Daisuke got his Digivice or I did, we could get to the DigiWorld. He thinks that we can open the portal on any computer, that it doesn't matter if it's the school one or not.”

“Doesn't hurt to try it.” Takeru smiled at Miyako, and she smiled back at him.

Hikari asked, “Whose computer do we try it on?”

“My dad home watching television, and my sister's home since she can't get a date or any friends,” Daisuke answered with a grin.

Miyako rolled her eyes. “Actually, Jun's heading out with my sisters. But my brother's home today because my parents want him to do his homework.”

“Taichi's out at soccer practice, and my mother's home cooking.” Hikari frowned.

“I think we can go to my apartment. My mother's out on a new story for the paper. She won't be home for a while,” Takeru said.

The rest of the Chosen nodded at each other. They gathered their Digimon in their arms and started walking down the street back to Takeru and Miyako's apartment building. As they turned to enter the building, they ran across Iori. The boy stepped off the elevator. He stopped when he saw the Chosen, his eyes searching over the group until they landed on Miyako. He strode over towards them.

“Is that the kid from the other day?” Daisuke asked.

Miyako nodded. “That's Iori. I already explained the Digimon to him,” she whispered. Louder, she greeted Iori with a smile.

“Hello, Miyako. Hello, everyone.” Iori bowed to the others. “Miyako, do you mind if I ask you a question? Why do I have to lie to my family about the...creatures?” The boy gestured to the Digimon in the Chosen's arms.

She floundered for an answer. Takeru stepped in front of her. “Iori, why don't you come with us to my apartment? We'll tell you everything there.”

Fading Tree March 18th, 2014 11:01 PM

Spoiler:
Rain drops crash against on your face. You see a flash of light in the sky followed by a cra-boom. The sound of the natural drum startles you into getting up. “Gwrad Dawm!” You head towards the epicenter of sound to find a CHAMPION defeated and their pokemon murdered. You watch as the dragonite launch a second thunder attack electrocuting the CHAMPION. Tears run down your face. “YOU BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD! BASTARD!” A male in a mask turns his head and looks at you. “You don’t know the injustice of this world. Kill [him/her]” he directs one of his two friends. You battle; you lose. Before you are punched to death an Arcanine shows up and teleports you away.



I'm in middle of looking for a new hobby. I'm trying to stop drifting through life (and start swimming). Writing might be my next hobby; it was a previous hobby when I used to rp. Please rate my draft and give pointers if you can.

Nolafus March 19th, 2014 8:42 AM

@Fading Tree
Quote:

Rain drops crash against on your face.
I would give this sentence another read. I think you tried to combine two phrases here, and it sounds awkward. I would get rid of "on", to make the sentence flow a bit better.

One thing I noticed is that you're telling, not showing. Despite the second person viewpoint, I don't feel very immersed in the scene. The only thing I know is that there's a thunderstorm going on, and that the champion was murdered. Right now, you're telling us this information. Since I work best with examples, here's what I mean:
Quote:

You head towards the epicenter of sound to find a CHAMPION defeated and their pokemon murdered.
You're telling us that the champion has been defeated. Don't tell us, show us. This is arguably the hardest thing about writing, but I'll try my best to give an introduction.

Try asking the six basic question, who, what, when, where, why, and how? Taking the time to answer these six question for each scene can really help getting a picture of what's happening in your mind. And when there's a picture in your mind, it can be transferred into words. Who murdered the pokemon? What were they doing in order for the pokemon to be murdered? When did this take place? Where are they? Why is everyone getting murdered around here? How are they being killed off? Questions like these really help. I'm not the best at showing, but I'll try to provide an example of what I'm talking about.
Quote:

You find yourself running towards the source of the thunder, your heart beating in your throat. As you approach the scene, you drop to your knees. The champion lay ahead of you, surrounded by his pokemon. Blood from the pokemon mixed with the rain as it ran down their faces, staining the earth.

"Dragonite, use Thunder!" A man calls above the howling storm.

Tears run down your face as the attack is launched towards the champion. Electricity envelopes the tortured figure, as the champion screams out in pain. The screams rip into your ears and fill your head. You cover your ears and lay down on the ground, unable to take any more. Eventually, the screams stop, and you look up. The body of the champion now lay lifeless on the ground, joining his pokemon in his eternal silence.
So, something along the lines of that. It's your job as the writer to immerse your reader into the scene. It's nearly impossible to do that when you're telling, so you have to show.

Hopefully I helped a little bit. I would also recommend letting your writing sit for at least a day, and then reading through it again. It will help a lot with picking up simple errors, and there were a couple more that I didn't point out. Overall, this isn't that bad. There's a lot to be improved on, but the story is there. I'm curious on why you chose second person for this though. It's a tricky viewpoint that can be very effective if used correctly, but can otherwise ruin a story. Anyway, good luck with future writing endeavors and I hope I helped!

@Astinus
I'm sorry, but it looks pretty good to me. I don't really have much feedback. D:

PokemonTrainerRobert March 19th, 2014 9:45 PM

Okay so I may be used to people reviewing and such on fanfiction.net. A few not so helpful, while a lot are really good and honest. And some just flat out don't read past the first chapters and give the story a shot. I will warn ahead of time, that I am one of those rare I guess lol. Writers whose writing gets better and better, as I make more and more chapters X D I will say though, despite reviewers being harsh or not very helpful with their reviews and constantly saying, I should quite my writing thats annoying. They will constantly say that my plot and ideas are great lol. So...yeah feed backs are very wonky over there.

Any way I have attempted to write a Pokemon fanfic back when I was 16 and had posted on Serebii.net...only for a lot of people giving me a horrible time and such about my writing, and how I was copying the show and everything and yadda, yadda instantly saying my story is horrible without even reading the next chapter or so on. Along with telling me that i shouldn't bother writing journey fics, because they are always the same. Let's be honest here...WHAT first chapter wouldn't start the same, with a new trainer getting their starter Pokemon from Professor whoever. While then they head on out and have a somewhat hard time on their first time out of the town.

But yeah enough of that, and that I have rebooted the stories. into a little bit more personal story, and well. I am planning of posting it up here. But I have already finished Chapter 1 and well...I wouldn't mind if you guys can take a look at it. I have used Microsoft words and such, so please take in mind that this program isn't the best. When deciphering past, present and future tense...as that seems to be my worst enemy when writing. My grammar...I can't tell cause to me it looks fine, but then I get people who are from collage or uni telling me otherwise and saying my first language of english is horrible. So yeah...I just hope this community isn't as bad as Serebii... So without further adieu here's chapter one. Also to take note, this is not copying the anime with the whole Pikachu thing...so please don't think that way okay lol XD I grew up with Yellow version as a kid, before my brother took my Red version ^^; OH real quick, this chapter has been done last week.

Spoiler:
Prologue too Robert and Pikachu adventures

Chapter 1: They meet

Running is all he could remember doing ever since being in the forest. Never knowing where the grassy ground or mossy trees will lead him, never knowing what Pokemon or dangers he is about to get into. All he knew was that, he is weak, confused and tired.

This Pokemon is called Pikachu, the electric mouse Pokemon. It gathers and releases electrical charges from its red cheeks patches. It uses it’s lightning shape tail high into the air, to alert from any danger ahead as well get struck by lightning in a storm.

“Pii…Pii…” the young Pikachu panted out after hopping over a growing root from a tree. After doing so it leaned his back against it, and began gathering his thoughts and controlling his breathing. Trying to calm down from all the running it had to go through. “Pikachu, piii!” he growled and yelled out!

Slamming his left paw against the wooden bark, and clenching his amber eyes tightly “why…why leave me behind!? I could’ve grow stronger…I can be a strong Pokemon!” Pikachu thought to himself. Grinding his teeth left and right, trying to wonder why he was abandon? He understood that he wasn’t strong against Ground type Pokemon, or Grass types…he can easily grow and learn some moves to deal with them?

But no ‘he’ abandoned him before even giving Pikachu a chance, nor giving him a second glance after their huge battle…that was up against an Onix. “That Charmander would not have won, if it wasn’t for my growl attack!” Pikachu grumbled out and lower his ears and sighed out. It was no use too get all upset about it anymore, what happened is beyond Pikachu’s control.

Pikachu looked up towards the sky, seeing couple of branches and leafs blocking the view of the clear morning skies, as well the sunlight breaming and shimmering through viridian forest. Forming some ovals or revealing some path ways for the young mouse Pokemon to take.

“Pikachu…” he mumbled and then rested both paws against his stomach. Hearing it growl and feeling hungry himself, he figured to go and find some food to satisfy his hunger.

Though since Pikachu traveled with ‘him’ a couple of days ago? As well enjoying the wonders of some human like food for the first time? The little electric mouse has become, somewhat of a picky eater…he will some time still eat random apples that are in trees and some berries. He can definitely say that human food, is quite fulfilling too the stomach! Much so than berries and apples!

“What are the chances of me running into another trainer, in these forests?” He growled out and then groaned with a low pika. Hearing his stomach growling out in protest, and figure that he can always venture into the nearby city…Viridian he recalls ‘him’ talking about?

But by the time he even reaches too Viridian what it called? Half a day will be passed, and surely the young electric mouse will be starving by the time he even gets too the entry gate! Hearing his stomach growling out once more and wanting human food badly... Pikachu figure the heck with it and start running towards the southern part of Viridian forest.

Making sure to avoid any of the wild Beedrill or Weedles that inhabit the forest, although since traveling with that one human and learning that fighting other Pokemon? Can make a trained Pokemon, become stronger. So Pikachu figured to battle some of the wild Pidgey, Kakuna and Metapod. Since he will be able to get strong and learn new moves, if he were to battle some of the wild Pokemon!

With a smirk and a small smile, Pikachu has formulated a plan of what he will do. Which he will battle any of the wild Pokemon he will run into on his way to Viridian city! But he will have to make sure, too conserve some energy though. He doesn’t want to pass out by battling too many of them…that’s a mistake he will never make and had learned after watching Charmander. Pushing himself really hard to get training done, will end you up tired and weak for the rest of the day.

“One thing for sure I will never again travel or get capture by a human again!” Pikachu thought to himself with a hard glare. Making an oath from here on out, that he will never, EVER be partnered up with a human trainer in his life. While making sure that they will never get the chance, of throwing that stupid contraption looking ball of theirs again!

With that final thought and dashing through couple of bushes, scaring off a couple of Caterpies and Butterfree. Pikachu is making some great time and distance towards viridian city as the little mouse, is determine to get some food into his stomach as well as get some battles in during his trip.

Little does the little mouse Pokemon knows? Is that his trip to Viridian city, is going to lead him too somebody very important and become close to him.

XXX

Pikachu wasn’t sure how long it took him, or how many fights he went through. All he could do was stand there at the edge of town, panting, breathing and smiling down at the city from the hill top he is on. Afternoon sun was high into the blue clear skies, shinning and beaming warm air down below.

Glistening and shining through the nearby lake Pikachu is standing next to, having a few Poliwags and Magikarp to jump out and back into the water. Rippling the tired Pikachu’s reflection, as the little mouse was a bit bruised up from head to toe…over doing it a bit with some of the Pokemon he fought, especially against Pidgey and Rattata.

Especially the Rattata, much they are weak Pokemon. They do hit hard against a Pokemon like him, which he can still feel some of the bumps on his body. From their tackle attacks landing on him, as well a few scratches from Pidgey beaks hitting his side and stomach area.

After calming and getting his breathing back to normal. The little mouse groaned from hearing his stomach growling, making his grimace and chuckle lightly “no worries tummy…you will get food soon. I just have to be careful of not getting caught!” he said excitedly and darted off down the hill and towards the town. Hopefully finding the right place and spot, to get some food into his stomach…without running into any Trainers…

Xxx

Upon arriving at the very edge of the town, Pikachu quickly hide himself towards a nearby alley way. Between two buildings, while sticking his head out once in a while. Twitching his ears to hear out anyone, who might’ve spotted him or not?

Seeing that he was in the clear and no one saw him yet? He ran around the building corner and darted underneath couple of benches, as well staying low to the ground. Making sure the tip of his tail is mere inches, above the ground. Darting his amber eyes left and right, as he reaches the end of the bench.

Quickly flinching and staying still on the ground, hearing a couple of female humans. Giggling and laughing as they sat down on the bench. Making some small talk he wasn’t understanding, or even wanted to know. He then rolled his eyes a bit and sighed, hearing how they were talking about how strong.

A trainer with a Charmander was, along with a Pidgey and a Mankey. Making the little mouse growl irritably to himself knowing exactly who trainer they were talking about. As the boy told Pikachu of how, he can’t wait and see what Pikachu can do, as well telling the little mouse. Of how he trained with other Trainers here in viridian city, and defeated them.

The bruised and tired mouse Pokemon, after making sure the path was clear and none of the very tall humans were looking. The electric mouse darted towards what look like some construction tools, and wooden planks. Letting out small pants of his name, as he is zigzagging through some of the wooden planks or traffic cones that came his way…

All the while jumping in and out some of the open hole like pipes that were being lifted by what seems like a hook. Scaring the little mouse as well causing him, too grunt and yelped out from losing his footing, as well rolling left and right in the pipe.

Making his way towards the other end, and paling at how high he was at from the ground. Feeling the wind blowing against his yellow fur, as the little mouse gulped and closed his eyes. He then gave a loud pika and jumped out from the pipe.

Falling hard and fast from the air, and right into a cart filled with bags of flour! Causing the couple who was pushing the cart, to let out a ‘hey’ and then gasp out when a Pokemon head. Popped out and shook their heads left and right.

To clear away the flower that covered his body, as Pikachu then widen his eyes in fright and immediately hopped out of the cart. When the male got a bit angry and tried to grab Pikachu, only to miss and having the shopping cart go rolling and moving downhill right into the lake, with the female human running after him.

Making Pikachu who is covered in flower to laugh at the scene while running, he then faced forward only to yelp and grunt out in pain. Right when he crashed into a moving cart that had some flowerpots on it. Only to suddenly shatter and break when Pikachu, ran through them and causing the little mouse rolling to a stop.

Panting and breathing heavily, from all the pain he is feeling from his battles earlier. Now this and crashing into those flowerpots, really did some damage on his body. Lying on the ground and breathing heavily, he opened his amber eyes lightly and through what blurred vision he had. Saw couple of humans gathering around and mumbling to one another…

Probably figuring out what to do with him? Or probably figuring out if they should capture him and such, as the electric mouse growled out threateningly! As he charges up his electricity and fired them out from his thundershock at the humans! Causing them to scream out in fright, as well backed away from Pikachu.

After doing so and using this distraction, Pikachu gotten up and darted away from the gathering humans. Not caring where he ends up now, as the little mouse Pokemon was weaving and bobbing through every human he came across with. Though seeing how there was a little ledge up ahead, as well what looks like little children playing outside in an open field?

He figured to head in that direction, in order to hide away from those humans. Right before falling off from the ledge, Pikachu immediately jumped off from the ledge. Though panic and flailing his limbs around when he didn’t realize that this ledge?

Was actually a very steep hill, causing the Pikachu to start rolling, tumbling and bouncing all over the place. The steep hill, though not painful or rough was leading the electric mouse towards the little playful human children!

Rolling and bouncing down the steep hill, along with now rolling onto his sides. Pikachu was doing everything in his will power, to grab or dig his paws into the grassy ground. Only to feel himself not able to get a good grip on the grass! Facing up the hill, he could see that the buildings and trees were slowly disappearing from the top of the hill.

Pikachu feeling the slight burning sensation as well as descending down the hill. Felt his lower body hit the ground hard and caused him to roll backwards and between the fences. With Pikachu feeling the world becoming all disorienting and dizzy, and then abruptly stopping when he finally rolled onto his stomach. He could not describe the pain he is feeling right now, as he could say it felt like a Charmander weak ember hitting him…

Hissing out and gritting his teeth, the Pikachu slowly gotten up onto his four paws. Hearing what sounded like playful laughter and children running about in front of him, alerting the electric type that he made it too his destination. But is he safe?

Pikachu opened up his right eye slowly, and then blink it a few times. He then blinked both eyes open and let out a small “chuu?” The ground in front of him was definitely different than the dirt like roads, or those sidewalks that his trainer used to walk on. When they reached to Pewter city…only that it looks like the color black, with some weird color markings being drawn onto it?

“What are those things they are holding, and rubbing into the ground?” Pikachu wondered, watching a few children holding what look like color sticks. Happily sticking their tongues out and painting the ground, with said sticks…he isn’t sure what they were drawing? On the account the distance between him and them were very far, so it made it difficult to detail out what they were doing?

He quickly back away when a rubber ball bounced and hit the ground mere inches in front of him. Watching the ball being chased by group of children, who were all laughing and shouting to one another. Saying “pass it here” or “no pass it to me!” it looked quite fun to be honest…though he knows once he steps out into the open?

He will be bombarded and get cornered by the children wanting to probably have him. Hearing his stomach growling out, reminding him how hungry he was, made him groan lightly and lowered his ears. Pikachu then looked left and right, curious if any of these kids had left their bags unattended?

Recalling that his ex-trainer kept what look like food inside those things, and will pull a sandwich or an apple out from the bag. Whenever he will get hungry and right now, Pikachu really needs food badly! After searching out into the playfield, he could not spot a single bag in sight! Nor any of the children sitting down and eating their food.

Making him to tsk and snapped his little fingers out of irritation. Pikachu then crossed his arms and began tapping his right paw impatiently scanning the entire playing field. Hoping that one of these human children will be foolish enough, too leave their bag out in the open.

Looking to his left and being under what appears to be another bench. Pikachu immediately perked his ears upward and smiled, seeing that there was a human child sitting down. With his bag wide open and right where he is sitting from. Too engross of what looks like to be a book of some sorts, while slowly taking a small bite of what appears to be a sandwich!

This sight is making Pikachu drool a bit, as his hunger level has reached its peak…cautiously and carefully Pikachu could, began walking his way towards the blue and black color design bag. Making sure to turn his eyes up at the boy, so that he wasn’t looking over his shoulders or even down at his bag.

After couple more inches to the bag, Pikachu gave one more glance up at the boy. Only to pause and get a good look at him…feeling this weird sensation from him? The feeling of…sadness and what also feels like he is invisible? ‘That’s weird why would this boy feel like he is invisible? He was talking to a female human earlier, so…why feel like that?’ Pikachu thought to himself, but figure to drop it.

“Bah just forget it Pikachu! You are here for the food and the boy is too distracted, to even notice!” Pikachu told himself and jumped inside the boy’s bag. Rummaging and moving about inside of it, surprise how big it was on the inside?

Sniffing and moving things around in the bag, Pikachu smiled and found the scent of food inside what looks like a plastic bag? Not caring if he would be heard or not, the electric type immediately started ripping the plastic off from the sandwich! Succeeding in doing so, Pikachu immediately grabbed it then began chewing and eating the delectable, tasting sandwich. Causing him to hum in delight!

‘So good, tastes amazing! Whoever thought that having cheese in between whatever these called, can taste so great!’ He thought to himself and happily got into a more comfortable position in the bag. With his back resting up against where the front would be, with his lightning like tail resting on the left side of the bag, enjoying the wonders of human food going down his throat and into his stomach!

“Robert your mother is here to pick you up!” shouted what sounded like a Female voice. To this person name Robert. In which Pikachu pause a bit from eating as he listens in, only to then panic and widen his eyes in fear when said “Robert” replied back.

“Okay…just let me get my bag!” The boy called back. This Robert apparently is the owner of this bag! Pikachu tried his best to get out, but knew that once he does…his cover will be blown and could easily be caught by a human around this Robert! Pikachu let out a quiet yelp when he felt the bag being lifted off the ground.

Tossing and fumbling the electric type around inside, as he heard Robert muttering out “Man…this gets heavy every school year…” which caused Pikachu. To rest his paws against the sides of the bag, so he wouldn’t keep fumbling about. All the while having a very angry facial expression on his face, glaring threating towards where the zipper part of the bag was.

‘Oh you did not just call me fat boy! When I get out of this bag, you are so getting a Thundershock!” Pikachu then whined out…when he does get out of the boy’s bag. He will be probably inside his house, and that wouldn’t be good. Especially if said boy’s family is Pokemon trainers and such…making him become a nervous wreck.

‘This can’t be happening, this just can’t be happening! I will not become a Trainers Pokemon or a house pet to one!’ Pikachu growled out to himself. Though started calming himself down, as he figure that once he does get too the boy’s home? While not paying attention to his bag, or wherever he places the bag down at. He can easily get out of the bag, and find his way out of the human’s home!

After all they must have some door or entry way, that they allow their own Pokemon? Too go in and out of the house right? Now just finding the right moment and time, to sneak away from the boy and his parents will be the problem…

But for now Pikachu might as well wait till this Robert person, goes home and leaves his bag unattended. So the electric mouse will be able to get out, and sneak his way through whatever house they go too. Then make a mad dash back towards the wild, without any worries of being caught or being with a Pokemon trainer!

“Did you had fun today Robert?” The female voice muffled out from the bag. Causing Pikachu ears to twitch a bit, listening into the conversation. All the while leans up towards a small opening of the zipper…seeing what looks like a somewhat elderly woman. Walking next to the owner of this bag, who is probably Robert? Showing a very serene and caring smile down too him.

“Yeah I did…” the voice sounded really shy in Pikachu’s ears. As the boy went on and explained how, he and his friends were discussing and talking about Pokemon. Pokemon battles, and what kind of Pokemon they would choose once they start out they’re adventures, after they become licensed Trainers. Causing the little mouse to growl too himself, wanting to bang his head against the bag.

‘No, no, no, no! I had to go into a bag of a soon to be Trainer! I just HAD to do it!’ Pikachu screamed inside of his head and places his paws over his eyes shaking his head left and right.

“Oh really that is really cool Robert, I bet you want to be just like your older brother who is also a Trainer huh?” The elderly woman said too the boy. Making Pikachu to slowly lower his hands, and then look up towards the small opening. Getting a little frustrated, as of course the known younger brother would want to be a trainer…because of being influenced by the older sibling…

“I guess…but more of the lines of like my mother. My brother has nothing to do with my choice of being a trainer.” Robert tried to explained, only to lightly lower his head. Alerting the Pikachu a bit from the way his tone sounded ‘Irritated’ from how his choice, was because of his brother?

“Oh come now Robert, I thought you always look up to your brother? I always see you and him, practice Pokemon battling together with your mother’s Pokemon. As well as even discuss about it with one another!” the elderly woman chuckled out while patting the boys shoulder. Making Robert to just sigh out and kept quiet with his walk with the teacher.

Pikachu who was listening in, on the account has no choice but to listen. Blinked his eyes a bit of why Robert…sounded so upset whenever the old woman will talk about her brother? I mean…from the sounds of it, this Robert and his brother seems to get along quite well?

A couple of minutes have gone by, and Pikachu could hear what sounded like another woman. Is coming into the scene, calling out Robert’s name from afar with the boy picking up his pace and jog his way down the hall. Right up next to probably Pikachu could make out, is the mother?

Whose hair looks like to be tied into a pony tail reaching down to the back of her neck. With the hair color being blue, which surprise Pikachu? Considering he never really seen any humans so far, with blue hair before. Wearing a normal black long sleeve shirt from what Pikachu could make out from the bag.

XXX

After conversing and speaking with the elderly woman a few more minutes, the boy and mother head on out from the school building. Then to a strange looking…thing, Pikachu wasn’t sure what to call it but he will go with ‘car’ for now. Considering that’s what the mother told Robert, to enter.

“Pika!” grunted out Pikachu, who clench his eyes shut and then slapped his paws too his mouth. From letting out his name when the bag, got gently tossed into the car…giving Pikachu a good look of Robert now.

His hair color was same to his mother, only that it was really flat and doesn’t over shadow his facial features or reaching down too his shoulders. Wearing what seems to be a small blue long sleeve shirt, with grey sweat pants. His eye coloring being emerald green, that Pikachu couldn’t help but see…somewhat wanting to be recognize? But from who though?

The boy though is making Pikachu panic a bit, considering when he let out that small Pika. It made Robert to quickly stand up straight and shifting his eyes left and right a bit. Wondering where that noise had come from, as the boy began tilting and twisting his body left and right.

He even then looked under the car, curious if a Pokemon had snuck underneath it or not? Letting out the breath Pikachu was holding in, had calmed down seeing that Robert, didn’t further investigate where the noise came from as he entered the car as well his mother. Who from the distance looks a bit annoyed from something, she talked with the teacher about and started up the engines of the car.

While Pikachu, unaware from the two is silently berating himself for trapping himself in this bag and dooming his freedom for good! As now he is being taken straight towards a town, called Pallet town.

“Robert how was your day?” the mother asked looking over at the boy, from the rearview mirror of the car, seeing that Robert is staring out of the cars window. Probably watching some of the people, Pokemon and probably trainers going and leaving whenever they pass one...Watching him with concern in her eyes, as well as sighing out quietly. Having a good idea he gotten compared, to his brother a lot again today.

“School was fine we didn’t do a lot today. On the account the Pokemon battle test, gotten canceled from somebody. Miss fired a Pokemon attack and caused the sprinklers to go off.” Robert explained, with a light chuckle. Earning a smile from his mom, as they were now entering route 1 that will bring them too Pallet town.

This even made Pikachu to snicker too himself, as he had to admit. Picturing all of the humans and soon to be trainers, getting soaked and drenched in water? Along with whatever Pokemon they were using, would be a hilarious sight to be seen!

“OH I heard that Professor Oak had showed up in your class? To teach the students more about Pokemon, how was it dear? I bet it was really exciting to see the professor from our village huh!” The mother asked, with a bright smile towards her son. Watching the way he chuckled lightly and nodded his head.

“Yeah it was pretty cool seeing him in the class. He told us a lot about how Pokemon behaves in the wild, about type match ups and other things.” Robert announced giving his mom a knowing smile, as well bashfully rubbing the back of his head.

“He even brought some of the starter Pokemon to class, too show us what Pokemon we get to choose!” He exclaimed, making Pikachu in the bag to roll his eyes and shake his head in annoyance. Much as those starters Pokemon are great and all…they can be quite cocky with beginner trainers.

He should know that Charmander he used to work with? Is prime example of having too much pride. Okay granted Pikachu himself is very prideful in his strength too, but he probably wouldn’t go around boasting about it.

His ears then perked up when Robert then told his mother, about how he asked Professor Oak in privet. About what kind of Pokemon starter, he would suggest him choosing? In which the tone of his voice, after his mother asked him which Pokemon he suggested…was one of irritation and annoyance, watching Robert letting out frustrated sigh and toss his arms up and down.

“He suggested that I should go with a Charmander. On the account of how most of our family besides you mom, had started with Fire types.” He said with a very rough tone, crossing his arms and looking out of the window. “All the while statin that he always sees me, hanging out with Danny’s Charmander…before he went and left on his journey…”

In which the mother shook her head and finish the rest of his sentence for him, “Because you being the younger brother and looking up too Danny. The assumption will be that you would, probably want to start out with a Charmander. Do I know the feeling Robert, before having you two my family. Would always start out with a Bulbasaur, on the account how very creative they can be with their moves. As well being very defensive…that I got really annoyed and chose Squirtle!” she exclaimed with a giggle, as well earning Robert to chuckle as the two were enjoying each other company during their ride too Pallet town.

Even Pikachu who gotten himself comfortable in the bag and slowly falling asleep. Is enjoying the mother and son bonding they were sharing, as well their discussion about how. They would choose the opposite starter Pokemon from what, their siblings had chosen. Even though Pikachu wanted to stay up and keep awake? Is slowly feeling sleep consuming him as the little mouse Pokemon tries everything to stay awake.

Knowing that if he were to fall asleep? He will miss his chance of escaping from these two. The conversation kept going on between the two. Making it difficult to understand what was being said, considering Pikachu’s eyes were slowly closing themselves. Hearing one last thing from the boy, next to him asking something about “Pikachu” Pokemon? Only for the electric mouse to not being able to hear the rest of their conversation from there, as sleep finally won over the tired Pikachu.

XXX

“Pika!?” exclaimed Pikachu as he shook himself awake, and saw that everything is pitch black and dark. Even more so inside the bag, curiously looking left and right? Trying to figure out where he is, or what time it is? As his mind finally caught up too him, and groaned out groggily.

“Right…I snuck into that boy name Robert’s bag in order to get some food. Then got carried too his mother’s car I think and must’ve fallen asleep?” He told himself, while yawning lightly and stretching his paws up into the air. Blaming himself for getting tired all of the sudden and because of sleeping…he probably missed his chance of escaping…

He saw that the bag zipper is still half way open, and figured to get out of here right away. Before Robert or his mother spots him, and decides to capture him…or make him become a Pet. Fumbling much he could with the zipper, and somehow succeeded in opening up the rest of the bag. Only to let out a low grunt as the bag toppled forward and spilled all the contents out of it.

Along with Pikachu who slide forward a bit, on the blue carpeted floor. “Pikachu…” he muttered quietly. Pikachu then stood up on all four of his paws, feeling something very soft and comfortable underneath them. Making him sigh happily and wiggling his small toes against, this strange flooring. “Chaaaaa” he said in bliss, only to quickly snap his eyes open and quickly shook his head.

“Get it together Pikachu! You got to get out of here!” Pikachu told himself, as he stood up onto his two feet. Sniffing and wagging his tail high up into the air, looking for anything that might be dangerous for him to touch? Since the scent of the room had no danger to it, or seeing anything that might hurt the little mouse Pokemon?

He decided to get a good look of the room, letting out a low “pikaaa…” as he walks around the center of the room a bit. Seeing different decorations tools and objects he never seen before. The wall paintings had the colorization and detail of that being outside in an open field. With small markings of what would be wild Pokemon, flying through the air or running through the grassy plain.

Pikachu continued with his little exploration of the room, as his tail will wag a bit and his ears wiggle up and down. Seeing a lot of things that definitely made this person stand out, than most others? ‘This must be that Robert boy room? He wasn’t kidding when he said, he is looking forward to being a trainer?’ Pikachu thought to himself.

Posters were hanging up on the walls, with what look like two Pokemon facing each other. With weird symbols and letters written on it that reads “Pokemon League”. While some collectables and books were laid about on top of what looks like a desk, which no doubt too Pikachu mind. Has information about how to be a trainer, or learning about other Pokemon.

The room was pretty simple for somebody being nine years old? But what stood out the most, were small color looking drawings on paper. Or doodle’s of a two boy’s on each side, with bad integration of what seems to be a Pokemon battle?

With the smaller boy winning and having written words of “Winner”, making Pikachu wonder…if this Robert someday wished to beat somebody in a Pokemon battle? The electric mouse wasn’t sure what to make of it, but turning his head over towards the small open door way of the room. Had his mind wander if Robert wanted to win against his brother??

From the sounds of things and what was being said in the car, between Robert and his mom? Sounded like a lot of people, always seems to either compare Robert with his older brother…or relate him too said sibling a lot in school?

Pikachu just sighs out and shrugs his arms “Not your concern Pikachu, so who cares if Humans compare each other with another…as long it doesn’t involve you, then you shouldn’t get caught into it.” Pikachu said to himself, not really caring if Robert is compared to his brother or not?

He doesn’t know how the human mind works anyway, all he knows now. Is that he needed to get out of here and fast! Pikachu crept his way over towards the crack door, and gently pulled it outward. As he then poked his head around it and twitched his ears a bit.

Hearing for any sounds or movements coming from the clean and wooden floorboards, as the Pikachu ears will move straight up and then back down. Hearing what sounded like their footprints a level below him, as this made Pikachu smiled and darted his way over towards hopefully what would look like stairs.

He was correct, as he move down the second floor hallway. He spotted a railing bar with openings underneath him, to get a good look of the living room. Stopping at the very end of the hall, as Pikachu quickly pressed his back against the wall. He peak his head around, to get a better judgment of what appears to be the main living area.

Though the Pikachu gritted his teeth, as he saw down below was Robert. Sitting down on a sofa, leaning against what seems to be an arm rest. Just lazily staring in front of him with boredom, pressing his thumb against something Pikachu wasn’t sure of? At the same time noticing some light coming from a strange box in front of the boy?

‘I think my trainer said something about that? Think they called it a ‘T.V’ another source for humans to gather information or…something like that.’ Pikachu thought while groaning a bit…you ask why? Well right next to Robert’s feet is a Jolteon, who looks very happy and content of being next too Robert. As well as watching the T.V with the boy.

With Jolteon letting out a hum from Robert, reaching over the couch and then moving his hand down to pet the Pokemon on her head. Gently stroking from the head and down too her back, making the female Pokemon to constantly bop and nudge her head against his hand.

Making Pikachu sick at the scene, of why a Pokemon will grow so affection to a human…let alone wanting to be a pet. Despite that thought though, he did wished that his ex-trainer would’ve done the same too him…I mean those pets and rubs on the stomach must feel really nice right?

He quickly shook his head and gently tapped his forehead. ‘Focus Pikachu you have to get out! Remember!?’ he scolded himself, as he then heard Robert’s mom calling out to the boy and Pokemon. Saying dinner is ready, making the boy replied back and getting off the couch.

“Now my chance!” thought Pikachu as he waited for the human boy, and female Jolteon to disappear behind the wall. Chuckling a bit at how hyper active the Jolteon was, as she is literately bouncing and bucking around the boy. Trying in her own way to cheer up the somewhat down casted boy, from his day of school.

Making the Pikachu to roll his eyes a bit, and pressed his way down the stairs. Making sure that he wouldn’t slip or yelp out from slipping on the wooden stairs…as he was making sure that every step he makes, he will use his paws. Too quickly grab onto the rails, in a way of not falling off.

Seeing more and more decorations of the house as he goes down the stairs, seeing picture frames hanging on the walls of the living room. With what looks like a small but yet happy family in the first one, with the mother holding a baby and a little boy, standing next to her…along with that same Jolteon in the frame.

With the next one is having the baby child, grown up a bit and playing outside with other Pokemon joining him. Riding on the back of Jolteon, with a few four legged Pokemon running along with them and such, all sharing bright smiles! Even a Ponyta was trotting along with the boy and Jolteon!

Pikachu eyes were so glued to the picture frames on the walls, he could feel and sense the emotions from just staring at them. Watching how each photo showed both Robert and his brother growing up, and becoming who they are today…with a few picture frames. Showing them in school along with their grades, as Pikachu didn’t understand what C- and A+ meant? But figure it was a human thing…noticing that most if not C- and some C+ were on Roberts papers.

With a few exception of A- grades here and there as compare to his brothers C and A grades. But what was really noteworthy too Pikachu? Is the fact that Danny in these picture frames, seems to have more and more friends showing up? Compare to Robert having what seems to be two female friends in couple of pictures, or two male looking friends.

In which cause Pikachu to snicker a bit, at the looks Robert and the two girls had on their faces. From those two boy’s glaring and pressing each other foreheads together, tugging on what seems to be a Magikarp caught on both their fishing lines.

After getting done musing over the picture, and passing over a couple more pictures. With the last one showing a bright and happy Robert, being hugged and cuddle with a very rare and wild Raichu! As the electric mouse really wanted to get out of here quickly!

He darted his way over towards the sofa and right towards what would be the door, leading outside! “Almost there and thank goodness there is a Pokemon door!” Pikachu thought to himself as he figured there would be one. Since earlier he saw Jolteon hanging out with Robert and such near the couch, although before he could even get through it by leaping towards it.

Pikachu suddenly let out a loud grunt of pain, as he felt something tackling into his left side hard and fast. Causing the little electric mouse to slam right up at the corner of the wall, promptly slamming up against it and then back to the floor.

“Jolteon, jolt!” shouted the evolved form of Eevee. Growling and hissing towards the Pikachu, who got up onto his fours and growls back! Knowing now he was caught and can’t escape anymore…as well being cornered.

“Pikachu!” shouted the electric mouse, as the two electric types started sparking and cackling their electricity at each other. Alerting the mother and son from the kitchen too come stomping on out and towards the commotion, only for them to stop after reaching the threshold of the living room.

“What the…what’s a Pikachu doing here?!” Robert’s mother shouted as she blinked her eyes confusingly towards the two growling Pokemon. Even Robert himself was confuse of how one even gotten inside, but being the little nine year old self he is…as well learning how rare Pikachu are to come by in viridian forest.

He wondered if his mother would catch one? He stared towards the wild Pikachu who is now walking sideways, with Jolteon doing the same. Never leaving eye contact from one another, as the spikes on Jolteon fur prickled up, and her ears folding back low as possible…warning the Pikachu, that he is not welcomed here!

“Mom you think…you could catch it?” He asked his mother, making Jolteon to blink her amber eyes and look quickly towards the boy and then back at Pikachu. As she then notice Pikachu growling got louder, as he doesn’t like the idea…only to then stop when Jolteon?

Just sat down in front of him and smiled, waging her tail excitedly ‘Whoa wait what? First she starts snarling and growling at me, because I was a threat! Now she is just sitting there wagging her tail in excitement, because the boy wants his mom to catch me!’

In which Pikachu then saw Jolteon tilting her head and barked out “Why not? Her son is really good and very nice; as well he loves to play with Pokemon!” Jolteon informed with a big smile, wagging her short tail even more. Causing Pikachu to lower one eye half way and slowly tilting his head to the right.

“Your kidding right? Me, become a trainer’s Pokemon let alone a house pet! NEVER in my life will I ever!” Pikachu started explaining, only to get interrupted by the Jolteon who had an all knowing grin.

“I don’t see why not, you get groomed, you get treated nicely and…” She then licked her paws a bit, and swiped them over her face. Giggling out, “You get food whenever you feel hungry, and not having to battle over a wild Pokemon for it! Also…who knows maybe her kit will choose you as a Starter Pokemon. Instead of the ones Oak offers.” Which was the ace in Jolteons paws, having this nagging feeling? That this Pikachu hate towards humans so much? Is probably because he recently got released by his trainer...

Since Robert is nine years old, and would probably want to start his Pokemon journey next year? Who would to say if Pikachu warms up to the boy, the electric mouse will probably be picked by Robert? Too become his starter Pokemon instead of Charmander, Squirtle and Bulbasaur?

“…House Pokemon gets meals and treated nicely?” Pikachu repeated in his head, while looking down in thought. Over what Jolteon had said, all the while gnawing against his lip a bit…she even then went and said that if Pikachu, were to get caught by the boy’s mother? Robert might choose him over the starter Pokemon. ”Getting meals sounds like a great deal, but becoming his Pokemon starter…yeah right! Not in a million years, will I let someone be MY trainer!”

“Your choice Pikachu, you don’t HAVE to be Robert’s Pokemon starter…but I have no doubt in my mind. He will try and do everything in his power, to wanting to grow and train with you. Or even teach you how to battle and such. But if you do decide and become a house pet know this?” Jolteon said and then got right in his face.

Forcing him down onto his back, causing his entire body to quake and shiver in fear. Of the very door of death staring right down at him, with Jolteon using her electricity to emphasis what she is about to say “If you harm, hurt, upset or even give Robert a horrible time. Know this that I WILL, come after you and show you WHY you shouldn’t mess with a female Jolteon or her owners COMPREDE?!” She growled out, as well making the Pikachu to claw with a deadly grip onto the blue carpeted floor.

Nodding his head up and down very quickly, as well as shiver with fear. When he suddenly felt her licking his cheeks and sitting back down with a smile “Good of course I know you won’t make things easy for him, but please and mind his health okay?” she said and started walking her way over towards the human mother and son.

“His…health what does she mean by that?” Pikachu thought while sitting up and blinking his eyes, at her direction, watching the electric type purring and rubbing all along Robert’s legs. Making the boy to look down and then laughed.

When she hopped up and places both her paws over his shoulders, and gave him couple playful licks. Wagging her tail excitedly “Jolt, Jolteon!” she barked out while getting down and shifting her gaze over to the confuse Pikachu.

In which Robert look up at Pikachu, with both their eyes meeting one another. Pikachu just standing there and stared at the boy, with uncertainty…he doesn’t know how to explain it? Just…looking at the boy is giving this weird feeling. That he can trust Robert…that Robert is no threat to him whatsoever?

It was a strange sensation and it even proves it more. When Jolteon just will not move away from Robert whatsoever, as she constantly purred and rub her body against his legs. Showing great affection and trust in him that a regular Pokemon would not normally show?

“Here Robert…” the mother suddenly spoke up with a smile. Causing Robert to turn his attention at her, and then widen his eyes at what she is holding in her hands! It was a Pokeball…but not just any Pokeball, it was his mother first Pokeball. Special hand crafted of that too almost look like a Jolteon. With the color scheme being completely yellow on top and bottom of the Pokeball, with her Jolteon name completely faded out from age.

Jolteon couldn’t help but hop left and right, as Pikachu can hear her saying “take it, take it!” making him chuckle a bit. Surprise how excited she was getting over just a dumb ball…only to perk his ears straight up when he heard Robert saying.

“Are you sure mom…this is Jolteons?” He asked only to smile a bit, when she rubbed the top of his head. Telling him how she already got a new Pokeball for the hyper active Pokemon, using those exact words causing Jolteon. To step back a bit with one paw raised, and then humph her head upward saying how she is appalled.

Only to then laugh with the two humans, making Pikachu to tilt his head? Wondering what is so funny…all he got out of it is that, the ball Robert is about to use on him. Belonged to Jolteon and his mother…

Pikachu focus then went to Robert, who looked really nervous and somewhat excited and scared at the same time. Which makes sense too Pikachu, his species can be quite dangerous! Especially with their electricity and all that…he wanted to use thundershock on the boy and run out the door. But probably wouldn’t get the chance?

Since Jolteon are as fast as Pikachu’s, but it’s not Jolteon he is worried about. It’s just something about this boy and his aura? Of wanting to be close to him, wanting to get to know him better or just plain out hang out and have fun with him!

‘Who knows Pikachu? Maybe being a house pet will be better than a Trainers Pokemon…after all free food!’ He thought and looked up at the nine year old boy. Who gulped and knelt down in front of Pikachu, giving the electric mouse a better view of his emerald eyes and that smile of his.

“What…do you say Pikachu? Will you like to be my Pokemon?” He asked with a shaky voice. Making the electric mouse blink his eyes in shock, of why the boy would even bother asking him to be his? Was…was the boy giving him a choice!?

‘What…why is he giving me a choice to become his Pokemon or not?’ Pikachu wandered as well lowering one eye halfway at the boy. He knew Jolteon wouldn’t probably attack him, if he were given a choice now. Which means Pikachu can run away and never look back at this house again!

Or he allows Robert to catch him and raise him as a house pet, and…probably like Jolteon said. Raise him and train him to being a Trainer’s Pokemon. Well house pet seems like a great deal, and if Robert impresses Pikachu enough over the course of living with him? He then might decide to become his starter Pokemon.

“Pika…pikachu, chu!” he chanted out while nodding his head. Only to then glare and points at Robert, letting him know it won’t be easy to win him over. In which the yellow mouse couldn’t help but flushed a bit, and smirked when Robert confident grin showed.

“Don’t worry Pikachu I wouldn’t expect you, to make things easy and…thanks!” Robert exclaimed as he gotten up and enlarged the yellow Pokeball and took couple steps backwards, throwing the ball at Pikachu. With it soaring through the air and landing directly onto his forehead, as the ball then absorb the Pikachu in a red light, by opening and then closing shut.

It then began the three shaking sequence, as it shook once…then twice…’And I to you Robert…let me see just how determine you really are!’ Thought Pikachu, as he closed his eyes and heard the clicking of the Pokeball. Indicating that Robert Pokeball had succeeded in capturing the Pokemon, and making him his own.

‘Who knows Pikachu…your life might get more interesting and exciting from here on out!’ and with that, as well being Robert’s first every capture and Pokemon. The two soon to be partners, have finally met each other and begin living with one another!

What adventures awaits them in their futures; as well will Robert be able to convince Pikachu, of becoming a Trainer’s Pokemon?

Fading Tree March 19th, 2014 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 8153963)
Spoiler:
@Fading Tree
I would give this sentence another read. I think you tried to combine two phrases here, and it sounds awkward. I would get rid of "on", to make the sentence flow a bit better.

One thing I noticed is that you're telling, not showing. Despite the second person viewpoint, I don't feel very immersed in the scene. The only thing I know is that there's a thunderstorm going on, and that the champion was murdered. Right now, you're telling us this information. Since I work best with examples, here's what I mean:
You're telling us that the champion has been defeated. Don't tell us, show us. This is arguably the hardest thing about writing, but I'll try my best to give an introduction.

Try asking the six basic question, who, what, when, where, why, and how? Taking the time to answer these six question for each scene can really help getting a picture of what's happening in your mind. And when there's a picture in your mind, it can be transferred into words. Who murdered the pokemon? What were they doing in order for the pokemon to be murdered? When did this take place? Where are they? Why is everyone getting murdered around here? How are they being killed off? Questions like these really help. I'm not the best at showing, but I'll try to provide an example of what I'm talking about.

So, something along the lines of that. It's your job as the writer to immerse your reader into the scene. It's nearly impossible to do that when you're telling, so you have to show.

Hopefully I helped a little bit. I would also recommend letting your writing sit for at least a day, and then reading through it again. It will help a lot with picking up simple errors, and there were a couple more that I didn't point out. Overall, this isn't that bad. There's a lot to be improved on, but the story is there. I'm curious on why you chose second person for this though. It's a tricky viewpoint that can be very effective if used correctly, but can otherwise ruin a story. Anyway, good luck with future writing endeavors and I hope I helped!

@Astinus
I'm sorry, but it looks pretty good to me. I don't really have much feedback. D:

Snippet Revised
Spoiler:
You wake up to the sound of thunder. You are soaking wet from the rain crashing against your flesh. Your body is shivering. A flash of light illuminates the grey cloudy sky fallowed by a cra-boom! Nature's drum startled you out of your sleeping bag. "Oh Gward!" You see two pokemon fighting from a distance. You hurry onto your bike, and cycle to the epicentre of the battle. You watch as the CHAMPION battle against a masked person. You witness the masked persons Dragonite deliver a final Thunder the CHAMPIONs Scizor. The CHAMPION starts to grieve. "YOU BASTARD! YOU KILLED THEM!" The ground was covered in blood from the defeated. The CHAMPION crunched their fist together, and ran towards the owner of the malicious Dragonite. "Draco Meteor" The owner of the Dragonite spoke calmly. The Dragonite charged towards the CHAMPION and unleashed fiery rocks from its mouth crushing the CHAMPIONs body. The owner of the Dragonite wore a mask and had an entourage of two others with him/her. They spot you on the road and send out three pokemon to battled you: Jolteon, Empoleon, and Clefable. You send out your Altaria, and Servine. "Dragon Pulse and Leech Seed!" you shout out. The clefable waved its finger, and took both the attacks. The Jolteon charged itself up, and used thunder against your Marie (Altarie) she faints. Your servine looks away seeing her faint. While looking away Empoleon launched a super effective Ice Beam, freezing the snake. The Empoleon moved swiftly in the rain. It took advantage of its fallen foes, and used cut severing the necks of your pokemon from their bodies. You try to cycle away in anguish and tears. "Gawd help. Please!" You feel like your next. You see your life flash before your eyes and all fades to black.



I wrote the story in 2nd person because I was going for the view point of a player, and I didn't want to include any genders. I'm getting into writing. I'm told to write about what you like. I like simple stories with some revenge, forgiveness, romance, and action,

Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre March 20th, 2014 8:04 PM

This is my Prologue to my fanfic Pokemon: Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
Prologue: Aw Crap…
1800hrs, Albany, OR


A young man named Alexandre was sitting at his computer when he felt like he was getting gamer's elbow, ignoring it for now he continued looking at the help wanted ads on the Albany Democrat Herald's website mentally crossing off jobs that he couldn't take for different reasons. A while later he couldn't feel his arm at all, like it wasn't even there, perplexed by this he looked down and saw pixels coming off his body and going into the laptop, he has tunnel vision causing him not to see the pixels going into the laptop, going into a state of panic, his mind shut down, leaving him unconscious


1930hrs, ???, ???


“Ughhhhhh, somebody get the license plate of the truck that hit me,” Alexandre said as he felt something cold and sharp pressed against his throat, like the tip of a knife, or some other sharp object, ready to kill him at the drop of a hat.


"Who are you and what are you doing in my house?!" a feminine voice shouted.


"Where am I and why am I being threatened?!" Alexandre shouted back, while being in the position he was in when he was unconscious, whatever position that was, he didn't know.


"Never mind who I am Cyber-Thief! Just answer the damn question!" The female, assuming that the voice belonged to a female at all, shouted, obviously scared.


"If you reach into the back left pocket of my jeans you will find my ID I'm sure that's what you want right? By the way, who's this Cyber-Thief you're talking about? Is it a Cyberman turned thief?" Alexandre asked, being a
Doctor Who
fan and not knowing in what dimension he was in.


"What the hell is a 'Cyberman'? The Cyber-Thief is a thief that robs people's homes through cyberspace using a Porygon!" The female shouted confused and thinking that this person on her floor is insane and probably not the Cyber-Thief, but she kept the knife pressed against the man's neck just in case, while she grabbed his wallet and looked at his ID and was confused by the place the ID came from. "Is Oregon an as of undiscovered region, or is this a fake ID?" the female asked.


"Neither, it's one of 50 states in the United States of America, which is a country on the western hemisphere, that aside, tell me where the ♥♥♥♥ I am and how the bloody hell I got here because I can get myself free and disarm you if I wanted to, but I need answers, and I don't harm women, and may I see your face this blindfold is really annoying, and is making me sweat like a ♥♥♥♥ing pig!" Alexandre shouted angrily.


"You're in Vaniville Town which is in the Kalos region, and you came out of my television during my favorite TV show: Jennys


"What...are you kidding me?" Alexandre asked.


"No, why?" the female asked.


"Because I'm from another dimension where all this is just a franchise that's popular, and is one of my hobbies! That means...Oh ♥♥♥♥, I've got no cash, no Pokemon, not even a single Pokeball to my name...Oh! I completely forgot to ask you your name, also could you please get the sharp object away from my jugular I would like to get up, my back's killing me," Alexandre said to the female holding the knife to his throat.


"You're really someone who traveled between dimensions, it's weird that Pokemon aren't real in your world, how do you live like that? My name is Grace Rider, sorry for the rough treatment but as you now know there's been a string of robberies in which the culprit uses the cyber network to get into the victim's home, rob them blind, then leave the same way, but there's always a note with the words, 'The Cyber-Thief was here!' left at the scene and yet the police can't catch him or her, so when you came out of my TV I thought that I was going to be robbed by him or her, again I'm sorry for treating you like some criminal," the woman now identified as Grace Rider said as she put the knife away and got out some Coca-Cola for Alexandre.


"Well to answer your question, we live with animals like you do with Pokemon, only that they can't help children with their homework, unless it's dissecting a frog or some other dead animal, in order to label each of its parts, but I digress. All I remember before coming to here is that I was on my laptop, looking for work, when I started to disappear into my laptop, sometimes I hate my tunnel vision when I'm focused on my financial situation and looking for work, any way may I have my wallet and my Driver's license back, because I'll need them to do anything in this world maybe who knows what'll happen from here, oh well I'll just do the best that I can!" Alexandre said with determination as he left Grace's house and went towards Aquacorde Town, with the few possessions that he had with him: his ID, Walther P38 9mm pistol with ammunition, a combat knife, and a bag to carry it all in.

Nolafus March 20th, 2014 8:26 PM

Okay guys, please remember that this is a thread for fragments of works. Which means that this isn't the place to be posting entire prologues/chapters. Those belong in threads of their own.

@Fading Tree:

It's probably just personal preference, but I wouldn't use "him/her". It's just something I advise against as there are better ways of saying you can't identify the gender of a certain character.

I would also give that another read-through. There are a few mistakes and incomplete sentences that I think you would be able to catch. Remember to let it sit for at least a day before posting it. I struggle with that so much because I'm so excited that I just finished something, that I just have to post it, but it's worth it of you wait. I guarantee that you'll catch at least a couple mistakes each time.

Other than that, I feel like you're getting the hang of it. I would continue working on it and experimenting on which writing technique works for you. You're starting to grasp showing v telling, but keep what I said in mind. If you do that, then your biggest learning experience will be more writing and reading. Make sure to read both good and bad examples of writing, as they can both help you.

PokemonTrainerRobert March 20th, 2014 8:47 PM

Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.

Nolafus March 20th, 2014 9:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PokemonTrainerRobert (Post 8157115)
Ah sorry about that...lol guess just wanted somebody opinion before I go and post up the first chapter, only to get told how bad my writing is and everything. This one website wasn't very...how should I say...instantly start hating my writing and last story I posted up before this one, for just posting chapter one. Without giving it a chance...and don't want to experience that again here.

Don't worry, I don't tolerate flames or put-downs of any sort. This is supposed to be a place where anyone can come and post their writing without fear of being laughed at. As long as I have anything to say about it, there will be no bullying here whatsoever.

PokemonTrainerRobert March 20th, 2014 9:20 PM

And I am glad you having the mind set on that and everything. Well...I guess when I build up the courage, I will post Chapter one on here someday. I just hope journey type Pokemon fanfics aren't as hated than they are at this other Pokemon forums.

Lol though I will state this, whenever I start new stories with the first chapter being posted up. Despite me going through the chapter over the past three days or so. Might come out a little bad or feel slow lol. I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol. Although I have been in a big mood, of reading a good "Journey" fanfic XD

Nolafus March 20th, 2014 9:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PokemonTrainerRobert
I'm one of those I guess "rare" writers, who gets better and better as he progresses throughout every chapter lol.

Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.

PokemonTrainerRobert March 20th, 2014 9:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Slayr231 (Post 8157161)
Wait, isn't this every writer? I mean, I know I've gotten a lot better since I started writing my book. Everyone gets better as they write more and more, so it's completely natural that each chapter gets better than the last, especially for new writers.

We accept all types of fics here (to a reasonable point, mind you), so don't feel bad about journey fics. They aren't the most popular type of fiction due to the sheer number of them and their bad reputation, but don't let that get you down. Each story is different.

Hm that is a good point, so I guess I wouldn't say rare then lol. I just don't know exactly how to put that into better term. Cause there are times, where some chapters despite them being better than the last one. Some time the next chapter, may not be as great as the one before it....I don't know hard to really put it in better terms XD.

The only thing I don't want everyone claiming, is that I am copying from the anime or games : / Cause that saying gets really annoying after awhile, on the account trying to think of a great way for a beginner trainer. Getting their starter Pokemon, can be quite hard to type out. Without the plot having said trainer getting their starters from Oak. As well as every single town and cities are from the show and game. But with the author actually putting the time, making different scenarios.

But eh I'll post the first chapter tomorrow or probably really late tonight. Since it's 1am XD But thanks...I will make a quick note and say that, I ain't the best when making fast updates. Usually takes me awhile to get the next chapter done. Along with staying motivated lol.

G.R. Snail April 4th, 2014 3:00 AM

Quote:

I've been walking, well, more like limping down this track for what seemed like days. When I'd set off from the cabin, the sun was very much up, but now as I looked around myself I saw that the night had truly crept in, and it was rather uninvited. There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it. Still, I had a job to do and I was damn sure going to do it better than she tried to do it anyway. I'm tearing up at the mere thought of her, of her failure, my vision blurring which didn't help with the darkness of the skies. Pushing all thought of her, of her failure, out of my mind I trudged onward, determined to find him and bring him home.

It's a funny thing, desperation. Much like the darkness, you don't really notice it until you've been forced to acknowledge it and by that point, there's nothing you can do to ignore it. It's in the very back of your head, clawing away at all the common sense there once was and replacing it with a blind, unquenchable desperation.

As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless. I was almost about to turn around half an hour ago, but I had to keep going. Or at least, I think it was half an hour ago. I've sort of lost track of the time, it seems like it's been an eternity. Small, sharp twigs are embedded in my bleeding, raw feet and I feel as though all liquid in my body has completely dried up, leaving me as barren as a desert landscape. Why, why did he have to come down here? Why couldn't she have just found him? If she did, they would've both come back home days ago and I wouldn't have to be walking down here.

Or, at least I think they would've been back days ago. I'm... I'm not quite sure anymore. I keep walking.
So I'm in the process of writing up the first part of my 'Snail Tale' collection, and while I didn't really want to post any of the unfinished work here I did want to post something. So I present to you, The Track. I'm suffering from some horrible writers block, which is actually why I've semi-halted the progression of 'Snail Tale', so this little story is probably going to be really bad, but hey, it's all I've got to offer right now! Hope you enjoy, feedback is appreciated. :)

Meksal April 4th, 2014 8:29 AM

Since GameFreak can't be bothered to clarify why there seems to be two gods, Arceus and Mew, i've started writing this book. See what you think!


Spoiler:
On the day of creation, two Pokemon came into existance; The Great One, and The Innocent one.
The Great One became extremely lonely, and shaped a masterpiece with his thousands of arms. He called this masterpiece an egg, and would therefore be the symbol of all birth.
The egg hatched, and the earth was born, a plain, empty sphere of clay. The Innocent one was put off by this, such excellence, such potential, but The Great One was satisfied, and rested, but while he slept, The Innocent One worked, he shaped mountains, trees, plants, rocks and caves, rivers, and everything that made our life what it is today, and thus was then on named The One Who Populates, Mew.

When The Great One awoke, he was furious with what Mew had done, and banished him to this hideous world that he had created.

The Great One, Arceus, created three Pokemon to assist him in wiping the world that Mew had created clean, along with Mew, so Arceus could start fresh, and create a world the way he wanted to.

Arceus created Dialga, the one of time, Palkia, the one of space, and Giratina, the one of energy.

Giratina refused to assist Arceus in destroying such a beautiful world, it held so much potential, he said, but Arceus simply cast him aside into limbo, a dimension of confusion and destruction, and thus Giratina became not the one of energy, but the renegade.
Giratina’s soul became as cruel and cold as ice.

Arceus replaced Giratina with another pokemon, he named it Desyinang.

Mew became aware of Arceus’s plan, and combatted it by creating three pokemon himself, he named these Pokemon;

Kyogre, the one of sea,

Groudon, the one of land,

And Rayquaza, the one of sky.

These three Pokemon represented the beauty of the earth that Mew had created, and thus the first war began.

The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding. Dialga and Palkia, knowing that Arceus would be furious, joined Mew’s side, but Desyinang stayed loyal to him, and because of that, faced the wrath of Arceus.

Arceus tore Desyinang apart into two bodies, Reshiram, and Zekrom. The empty shell of Desyinang limped off onto earth, and was then on called Kyurem, the empty one.

Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre April 4th, 2014 11:04 AM

Here's a preview of Chapter 2 of Pokemon Dual Dimensions

Spoiler:
Chapter 2: The Bug Badge


Alex’s Log: Day 2
Yesterday I was looking for work on the Albany Democrat Herald’s website, when I was transported to the Pokémon Dimension, specifically Vaniville Town in the Kalos Region, where I was mistaken for a person known only as the Cyber-Thief, who apparently uses a Porygon to travel to the houses of his victims via cyberspace, takes all the jewels, leaves behind a note saying, ‘The Cyber-Thief was here’, and then leaves the same way, leaving nothing else behind, thus no one has been able to catch him or her, but if I catch that bastard, they’re gonna wish they hadn’t done what they did, because I almost died because of it
End Log


0600hrs, Aquacorde Town, Kalos


Ok, so I need some supplies for my journey, and it needs to be €300 or less, and I also need directions to the nearest military surplus store along with a map,” Alex thought as he came upon a local man who appeared to be in his 60s.


« Excusez-moi, monsieur, mais pouvez-vous me dire comment se rendre à la boutique la plus proche de surplus militaire? » ”Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me how to get to the nearest military surplus store?” Alex said to the elderly local man


« Oui, je peux répondre à votre question. Le magasin de surplus militaire est sur la rue Soleil, et pour y arriver il faut tourner à droite sur la 14ème rue, puis continuer jusqu'à ce que vous voyez le 7-11 à votre droite, vous tournez à droite là, c'est la rue Oak, à ce moment-aller à la première à droite comme si vous étiez au volant et le prendre, c'est quand vous êtes sur la rue Soleil, et le magasin est le premier bâtiment sur votre droite, »“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.


After following the old man’s directions, Alex went into the store looking for a World War II era Mauser Karbine 98, an ammunition reloading kit, and 100 cases of 7.92x57mm bullets, if that didn’t cost over €300 that is.


« Combien coûte? »“How much?” Alex asked the store clerk.


« Votre total est de €250, »[I]“Your total is €250,” the clerk flatly told Alex as he counted the €250 Alex paid.


Once Alex left the military surplus store, he made his way towards the Pokéball Boutique in order to buy a few Pokéballs so that he could add to his team.


« Bonjour, Combien coûte est un Pokéball? »“Hello, How much is one Pokéball?” Alex asked the store clerk.


« Coûte un Pokéball €2 »“One Pokéball costs two Euros” the store clerk said to Alex.


« Je voudrais 25 Pokéballs s'il vous plaît, »“I would like 25 Pokéballs please,” Alex requested as he paid €50 to the clerk


There will be real world elements in it, like Coca-cola, hunting, and romance among other things. Please tell me what you think about it, in my thread, thank you in advance.

Astinus April 4th, 2014 1:29 PM

There was something that I noticed about your chapter and I was going to point it out in your thread (like you asked) but you haven't posted the new chapter there yet, so...

Quote:

« Oui, je peux répondre à votre question. Le magasin de surplus militaire est sur la rue Soleil, et pour y arriver il faut tourner à droite sur la 14ème rue, puis continuer jusqu'à ce que vous voyez le 7-11 à votre droite, vous tournez à droite là, c'est la rue Oak, à ce moment-aller à la première à droite comme si vous étiez au volant et le prendre, c'est quand vous êtes sur la rue Soleil, et le magasin est le premier bâtiment sur votre droite, »“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.
All this French? It's not needed. Especially since you're translating it out to English right afterwards. I get it. Kalos is based on France, and you want the region to feel authentic to the real world equivalent. But having conversations take place in French that are translated out right afterwards isn't a good way to go about it. Readers, especially those not fluent in French (and I don't know how many members are fluent in French here), will just skip over the French part of the conversations to head directly to the English translations.

It would be better if the French conversations were about important subjects, or provided some development about the characters. But right now, typical conversations about unimportant subjects like buying Pokeballs really aren't that fascinating to read about in English, let alone a different language that's then translated to English.

Unless there's a story reason for it, skip out on the characters speaking in long paragraphs in a foreign language. Just say in the narration "Everyone on the streets spoke French, and Alex reminded himself to speak the language to avoid seeming different." Just something like that so the reader can understand that the characters are speaking in a different language, but you don't have to write out the French and the English when people are really only going to read the English.

Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre April 4th, 2014 3:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astinus (Post 8182794)
There was something that I noticed about your chapter and I was going to point it out in your thread (like you asked) but you haven't posted the new chapter there yet, so...



All this French? It's not needed. Especially since you're translating it out to English right afterwards. I get it. Kalos is based on France, and you want the region to feel authentic to the real world equivalent. But having conversations take place in French that are translated out right afterwards isn't a good way to go about it. Readers, especially those not fluent in French (and I don't know how many members are fluent in French here), will just skip over the French part of the conversations to head directly to the English translations.

It would be better if the French conversations were about important subjects, or provided some development about the characters. But right now, typical conversations about unimportant subjects like buying Pokeballs really aren't that fascinating to read about in English, let alone a different language that's then translated to English.

Unless there's a story reason for it, skip out on the characters speaking in long paragraphs in a foreign language. Just say in the narration "Everyone on the streets spoke French, and Alex reminded himself to speak the language to avoid seeming different." Just something like that so the reader can understand that the characters are speaking in a different language, but you don't have to write out the French and the English when people are really only going to read the English.


Thank you for your review and here is that piece again without the French bits, but with an indicator.
Spoiler:
Chapter 2: The Bug Badge: Part One


Alex’s Log: Day 2
Yesterday I was looking for work on the Albany Democrat Herald’s website, when I was transported to the Pokémon Dimension, specifically Vaniville Town in the Kalos Region, where I was mistaken for a person known only as the Cyber-Thief, who apparently uses a Porygon to travel to the houses of his victims via cyberspace, takes all the jewels, leaves behind a note saying, ‘The Cyber-Thief was here’, and then leaves the same way, leaving nothing else behind, thus no one has been able to catch him or her, but if I catch that bastard, they’re gonna wish they hadn't done what they did, because I almost died because of it
End Log


0600hrs, Aquacorde Town, Kalos


Ok, so I need some supplies for my journey, and it needs to be €300 or less, and I also need directions to the nearest military surplus store along with a map,” Alex thought as he came upon a local man who appeared to be in his 60s.


The following conversations are in French


“Excuse me, sir, but can you tell me how to get to the nearest military surplus store?” Alex said to the elderly local man


“The military surplus store is on Sun street, and in order to get there you have to turn right on 14th street, then continue until you see the 7-11 to your right, you turn right there, that's Oak street, at that point go to the first right turn as if you were driving and take it, that's when you're on Sun street, and the store is the first building on your right” the elderly man said to Alex as he handed a map to Alex.


After following the old man’s directions, Alex went into the store looking for a World War II era Mauser Karbine 98, an ammunition reloading kit, and 100 cases of 7.92x57mm bullets, if that didn’t cost over €300 that is.


“How much is all of this?” Alex asked the store clerk.


“Your total is €250,” the clerk flatly told Alex as he counted the €250 Alex paid.


Once Alex left the military surplus store, he made his way towards the Pokéball Boutique in order to buy a few Pokéballs so that he could add to his team.


“Hello, how much is one Pokéball?” Alex asked the store clerk.


“One Pokéball costs two Euros” the store clerk said to Alex.


“I would like 25 Pokéballs please,” Alex requested as he paid €50 to the clerk.


End of French conversations


Thank you for your review, and remember to review the previous chapters as well.

Nolafus April 5th, 2014 4:16 PM

@ G. R. Snail
Quote:

There's no ignoring something like the dark once you've become aware of it and by this point in time I, had become quite aware of it.
The comma should go before the "I", not after it.

Quote:

As I was saying, this track. Surrounded both sides with trees higher than most that you'd find at a park, or even a forest, these trees were rather special. Daunting, and ever so frightening, but special nonetheless.
This segment is... weird grammar wise. You end the first sentence in an awkward spot, and then don't give the second sentence a clear subject. I can infer that the second sentence is talking about the track, but then the sentence is all about the trees. I would consider revising this part. Oh, and the last sentence doesn't have a subject either.

Overall, a nice start. The voice is strong and consistent. I would comment on the story, but I don't know much about it. All I know is that there's this guy who's looking for his son in the woods. Oh, and he's angry at some girl.

The writing style fits, and I don't really have any complaints about it. Nice job.

@ BlueStone

Ah, a bit of pokemon lore. I'm not sure about the earlier pokemon, but there is a bit here that conflicts with the lore we know from the games. Reshiram and Zekrom split because of two heroes that wanted different things. So, that's already explained. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but just thought I would point it out.

Quote:

The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding.
This part seems so... short. I would love a bit more lore behind the war. Plus, this sentence might be bordering a run-on sentence, so I would rework this a bit.

Overall, a nice little tale. I like it at least. You really have the lore voice down well, and that's something some people struggle with a lot. So, good job!

Meksal April 5th, 2014 7:36 PM

@ BlueStone

Ah, a bit of pokemon lore. I'm not sure about the earlier pokemon, but there is a bit here that conflicts with the lore we know from the games. Reshiram and Zekrom split because of two heroes that wanted different things. So, that's already explained. I'm not sure if you knew that or not, but just thought I would point it out.
Oh no, I didn't, lol. I guess I should look into that.

Quote:
The Pokemon fought fiercely for 15 days and 15 nights, until the war ended, Mew had won, and Arceus retreated into hiding.
This part seems so... short. I would love a bit more lore behind the war. Plus, this sentence might be bordering a run-on sentence, so I would rework this a bit.
Oh my gosh, I can't believe I left it so vague XD. What should I put there instead?

Overall, a nice little tale. I like it at least. You really have the lore voice down well, and that's something some people struggle with a lot. So, good job!
Thanks :)



EDIT: How's this?

Spoiler:
Arceus created Dialga, the one of time, Palkia, the one of space, and Giratina, the one of energy.

Giratina refused to assist Arceus in destroying such a beautiful world, it held so much potential, he said, but Arceus simply cast him aside into limbo, a dimension of confusion and destruction, and thus Giratina became not the one of energy, but the renegade.
Giratina’s soul became as cruel and cold as ice.

Arceus replaced Giratina with another pokemon, Reshikrom.

Mew became aware of Arceus’s plan, and combatted it by creating three pokemon himself, he named these Pokemon;

Kyogre, the one of sea,

Groudon, the one of land,

And Rayquaza, the one of sky.

These three Pokemon represented the beauty of the earth that Mew had created, and thus the first Pokemon battle began.

The Pokemon fought fiercely for many years, equally powerful, neither side could be defeated, until an act of truth from limbo tipped the scales: Giratina used all of his power to defeat Arceus, Dialga, Palkia, and Reshikrom, and he did, but doing so, destroyed the limbo he lived in, making it not only horrible, but unbearable.

The three Pokemon, Palkia, Dialga, and Reshikrom knew that Arceus would be furious, and fled. Dialga, and Palkia were welcomed by Mew, and we’re given power over time and space, respectively. Reshikrom fled into the barren wasteland that would soon be known as Unova.

Mew looked down on his wonderful earth from the sky, it was beautiful, but what fun is beauty if there are very few to share it with? So he mustered up all his power, and created the Pokemon race.

He created so many, and created regions to seperate them; Kanto, Johto, Hoenn,
Sinnoh, Unova, and Kalos. He created many other regions, but he did not name them, there would come a time when he would name them, but that time was not now. Pokemon lived in these regions, many, many Pokemon, of all shapes and sizes. But oddly, no matter how many times he tried, Mew could not populate Unova, the barren wasteland. It was a hopeless case, so he moved on.

Mew realized that he had outdone himself, and the Pokemon could not tell themselves apart from other Pokemon, so he created types, 18 of them, and created three birds to govern these types:

Articuno, the governor of ice, water, flying, dragon, and fairy.
Zapdos, the governor of electric, normal, bug, ghost, and grass.
And Moltres, governor of fire, psychic, dark, ground, poison, fighting, rock, and steel.


Mew created a special Pokemon race, the most intelligent ones, he called them the humans.

Arceus continued to watch, and when he saw that humans were easily manipulated, he cursed them. There would always be an organization of humans that would be the downfall of all the lands, but Giratina suspected this, and with his last ounce of power, counter cursed; There would always be a hero to stop this organization, and it would never succeed.

And thus humans became distant from Pokemon, growing into they’re own species. With their intelligence, they created many things, and formed bonds with Pokemon, but they still had the touch of evil from Arceus, committing murders, hurting Pokemon, destroying forests, and many other things. It disgusted Mew, so he created Lugia and Ho-Oh, to watch over them, which they did for many years. Ho-Oh would also go on to create three Pokemon from the ruins of a destroyed building: Entei, Suicune, and Raikou.

The humans and Pokemon dreamed, and as they dreamed, they dreamed of nothingness, blackness. Mew was saddened by this, for dreams could be such wonderful things, so he created Cresselia, to add wonderful things to dreams, but all good things have their bad things, and Darkrai, the nightmare bringer, was born.
Mew decided two guardians for the humans were not enough, as they continued to destroy wildlife and forests, and thus he created Celebi, the bender of time, and the watcher of forests.

Mew also needed magic, a wish maker, perhaps, so he created Jirachi, bringer of wishes.

Finally, the humans became unbearable, and no matter what Mew did, they ignored him, so he created the three Pokemon of consciousness: Uxie of Knowledge, Mesprit of Emotion, and Azelf of Willpower, and together these Pokemon saved the humans from self downfall.

Reshikrom suddenly returned from hiding, and confronted Mew. He wanted to have a shot at making Unova a place where Pokemon could thrive, a task that even Mew had failed at. Mew allowed him, and created two gifted humans:

Brendan, and Dennys.

They helped Reshikrom restore Unova, and they succeeded, and as a gift Mew allowed them to rule Unova. The brothers could not split the wealth, and a war broke out between them. The result caused Reshikrom to split into two halves, hoping that each boy would be satisfied with a half, but he was wrong. Reshiram and Zekrom were equally as vengeful as the boys, and the shell of Reshikrom limped off hopelessly to a cave far off, forever known as Kyurem. Meanwhile, Reshiram, yang, sided with the older brother, Brendan. Zekrom, yin, sided with Dennys, the younger. Eventually the two brothers, and two pokemon, discovered that neither were better than each other, and ruled Unova together. When the two brothers died, their sons did not feel the same way, and resumed the fight. Reshiram and Zekrom, furious, destroyed the entire region with their powers, killing everything and everyone in it, including the sons. The two dragons vanished.

From the rubble rose the three Pokemon of weather: Landorus, Thundurus, and Tornadus. They governed the weather and strived to keep it balanced.

Unfortunately, the destruction caused by Reshiram and Zekrom caused the continents to begin to drift apart. Mew immediately took action by creating Regigigas to pull the continents back together with long, powerful ropes, which Regigigas succeeded at. Regigigas created Registeel, Regice, and Regirock to make sure such an accident never happened again.

Legendary_Trainer_Alexandre April 6th, 2014 5:05 PM

nice job on the lore man. I wish you luck on any future writings that you decide to do.

Deja Vu June 12th, 2014 7:58 PM

What follows is a nonfiction narrative of a real experience in which nothing interesting happens. I truly wish I had some more compelling writings to share, however my laptop was recently stolen in the Windy City. Feedback is welcome and appreciated. Try to enjoy.
Spoiler:
Monkey Jack Bridge
Andy Biller

The first time my friends and I went to Monkey Jack Bridge, it was the kind of impulsive decision characteristic of four teenagers. That night seemed like a stereotypical horror movie setting; clouds obscured most of the stars and the headlights of Amanda’s SUV sliced through a mild drizzle.
“Are you guys sure about this? Maybe we should just drive past again,” Amanda said.
“I’d be okay with that,” I replied fearfully.
“No, we’re doing it this time!” Patrick exclaimed, slightly irritated.
The legend of Monkey Jack Bridge was a staple of Henry County folklore, and we had all heard it hundreds of times. Sometime in the 50’s, a young couple was looking for some privacy and parked on a bridge over the local river and started – Well, you know what young couples do. The intensity of their actions caused them to ignore the static-laden warnings of the radio announcer: A convicted murderer had escaped from the local prison and was assumed to still be in the Henry County area. A few minutes later, something clattered against the car and the couple jolted upright in their seats, the moment ruined. The boy decided to play hero and go investigate; it was the last thing he would ever do. After not hearing anything for several minutes, the girl’s curiosity took hold and she went to investigate. Looking up, she saw the mutilated remains of her lover hanging from the tree. That’s how my friends and I remember the tale, anyway.
So, we pulled off the road into the gravel inlet that led the way to Monkey Jack. The road that the bridge was on was a gated farm road, so we would have to hop the gate and walk the rest of the way. A large house stood a silent vigil across the road from where we parked, but we were confident that the shroud of the summer evening would hide the vehicle from sight. Our only concern was being unluckily spotted by a passing patrol car.
“Damn, it’s cold,” John muttered as he cleared the gate with Amanda close behind.
“Quit your ♥♥♥♥♥ing,” Patrick retorted playfully, taking the lead as usual.
The gravel crunched underfoot as we made our way down the hilly road that was rumored to contain the bridge. Anyone who’s been through Indiana and August has seen the wide expanse of corn that often covers the landscape. That same corn was the enemy now, towering above us and walling us in from both sides. Slight rustles from the leaves contributed to the feeling that we may not be alone.
Suddenly, a bright light illuminated the pathway in front of us. Amanda’s cell phone cast a whitish contrast against the black of the country night.
“Hey, turn that out!” John said. “Do you want us to get caught?”
Amanda muttered an apology and the landscape was shrouded in darkness once again. The gravel road seemed to go on for miles, and about halfway down Amanda and I proposed the idea that we turn back.
“Hell no. It’s gotta be right up here,” Patrick replied. Much to the chagrin of Amanda and I, we continued on through the rain of the chilly, Midwest night.
Finally, the silhouette of the bridge came into sight. Even Patrick had been beginning to have his doubts, and we all let out a sigh of relief. For the first time in what seemed like forever, we stood still and stared at the bridge. The ancient metalwork creaked in the silence. We inched closer to the bridge over several minutes and began to make out more nuanced features of the old bridge. The wooden bottom of the bridge was completely rotten away and various forms of flora had begun to wind their way around the desiccated trusses. I noticed a “No Trespassing” sign riddled with bullet holes, which brought a sort-of cliché comic relief.
“What a joke,” I said out loud, mainly to hear a sound other than the ominous swaying of the bridge.
After John and Patrick had finished poking around the accessible parts of the bridge, we collectively decided we had our fill of the infamous landmark and began the long trek back to Amanda’s car. The walk seemed longer than it had on the way there and we all continuously glanced over our shoulders on the ridiculous superstition that something followed us back from the bridge. After what felt like a thousand swift, uneasy footsteps, the vehicle came into view over the crest of the final hill. Relief of a corporeal kind took hold when we realized that the SUV remained undiscovered. We quickly cleared the gate, opened the doors and piled in. Driving away from the dark trailhead, we felt warmth and triumph flood our bodies, knowing that we had conquered the most famous of the local, supernatural legends.

3rddegreepwnedge June 25th, 2014 7:54 PM

Hey guys I'm here with a semi first draft of a script I have for a possible manga I was thinking about trying to make. The story is going to follow the plot of Platinum with twists and a bigger emphasis on character development and Lucas, Dawn, and Barry working together as a team. Think of the script as the script to an anime episode and try not to mind the grammar and spelling errors too much I would love feedback on my portrayals of the characters so far and the story in general. Please constructive criticism no flame. Also towards the end I was listening to the Skyward Sword theme and it got me in a big adventure mood so Rowans ending speech might be a little cheesy and over blown I got kicked off the fan fiction page so just message me if you have feedback positive or negative

This is Lucas. He is hoping to one day become a Pokemon master just like his father. Nothing will stop him from defeating all 8 gyms and the Pokemon league. He as vowed to become the greatest trainer in Sinnoh and maybe even the world! But first he has to get out of his room and away from his TV

TV: Special news today coming from Sandgem town today as the famed Pokemon researcher known to many as Professor Rowan has returned from the Kanto region back to his home, the Sinnoh. He has been quoted saying he will set up the first world class research facility in the Sinnoh in Sandgem Town in order to help research the legendary Pokemon said to be living in Lake Verity

(commotion heard downstairs and crashing heard)

Barry: sorry sorry sorry

(running up stairs heard)

Barry: Lucas Lucas did you hear?

TV: In other news a streak of red was seen in the sky today in Hoenn

Barry: a streak of red huh, wonder what that could be, I mean did you hear?

Lucas: slow down barry hear what?

Barry: Oh my god this is so great some professor guy like Rowan or something is in Sandgem Town. I heard you can get Pokemon from him if you get there. We gotta go now Lucas! Before all the Pokemon are gone!

Lucas: Ok lets go race you there

Barry: Ha you’ll never beat me in a race and pretty soon you'll never beat me in a Pokemon battle either

(both run out the house)

Lucas’s Mom: Huh Lucas where are you going?

Lucas: gonna get some Pokemon mom I'll be back before dark!!

(Lucas pops his head back in the door)

Lucas: Love you!!

Barry: Your making this to easy, come on Lucas!!!!

(Barry’s mom open her door)

Barry’s mom: Where are you two going in such a hurry!!
(Barry and Lucas are running until Lucas trips over a branch and hits a small tree dropping a nest from it Starly then attack them both)

Dawn: Piplup bubble beam pronto!!

(Piplup scatters the Stary and saves barry and Lucas)

Dawn: Piplup return!

Dawn: You reckless fools you ruined my research I almost had that Starly egg

Barry: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket

Dawn: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket (in mocking voice) the nerve of you. Let me tell you something…

Barry: Barry

Dawn: Barry, didn't your mother ever teach you its not nice to talk over other, and it would be nie if you showed a little consideration for my loss instead of mooring over your ugly jacket

Barry: Hey calm down girl we were just trying to get some pokemon and I take pride in how I dress, something it appears like you don't

Dawn: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!

(Rowan walks up)

Rowan: Dawn what is the meaning of this is your yelling what scared off that flock of stary i just saw?

Dawn: Proffesor I’m sorry it just that umm

Barry: Wait your professor rowan?

Dawn: What did I say about interrupting me?!

Rowan: Yes I am child and whats your name

Dawn: This is Barry, he's the nimrod who scared off all the staly

Barry: Sorry Professor but me and my friend here were runnig to get Pokemon from you

Rowan: (laughing) Do you think I just give out pokemon?

Barry: Well I mean kind of like I heard you were from a guy who heard it from the news or something I dont remember it could have been lemme think umm

Rowan: My my, your brain runs at full speed doesn't it
Barry: (embarrassed) ya well

Rowan: Forgive me but im not sure I know your name

Lucas: Ohh sorry Professor I'm Lucas and im the one who hit the stary nest and made them go haywire, sorry

Barry: Ya, so maybe you should give the evil eye to him not me lady

Dawn: I'll give the evil eye to whoever I want, me and my ugly clothes are free to do as we please. And trust me it not like I want to stare at you, it hard to stare at such a disgusting face to be honest

Barry: Why you I’ll…

Lucas: (grabs barry) We should probably be going back to Twinleaf Town

Rowan: You're going to Twinleaf Town? Why dont you two escort me to Lake verity then, its not far off and considering the commotion you stirred up, its the least you can do

Lucas: We’d be happy to professor

Rowan: And if you two want pokemon then why dont you try out these two

Dawn: Professor your not really going to give them those are you

Rowan: We'll see Dawn

(Rowan reaches into his bag and pulls two poke balls)

Rowan: For you Barry, this Pokemon should be right up your alley

(Barry gets a turtwig)

Barry: Really Professor and slow Turtwig?

(Turtwig tackles Barry)

Rowan: He's almost as hot tempered as you'd say

Rowan: Here lucas this one is for you

(Lucas gets a chimchar)

Lucas: What is it Professor?

Rowan: Its a Chimchar, a fire type pokemon

Barry: Hey no fair, fire beats grass
Rowan: Ahh I see you know more about pokemon than would meet the eye, dawn you can head back to the lab I,m sure these two can escort me just fine

Dawn: ...but but

Barry: You heard the man leave us be, we got important stuff to do

dawn: Ohh would you shut up

barry: Bye bye love you!!

Dawn: Im going to kill you i swear!!

(At Lake Verity)

Barry: So gramps what are we doing here

Rowan: Its profesor for the 12th time

Barry: Ok gramps

Rowan: And were here so I can get some reading on that island

Lucas: What island I can’t see though all this fog

Rowan: Hmm yes, Dawn was supposed to use the stary to defog this place

Barry: I can barley see at all

Lucas: Hey looks like there other people here (pointing at three silhouetted figures)

Barry: I'll ask them if they can defog this place, HEY YOU GUYS!

(the three figures turn and one walks up)

Rowan: Cyrus!

Barry: Huh you know this guy?

Cyrus: Its good to see you old man

Lucas: Hey dont call him that only I can call him that

Cyrus: (snickers) I see you still have younger trainers do your work for you, never a man to get his hands dirty

Rowan: Hmm I'm inclined to call you a hypocrite, why don’t your goons come out of the fog and show their faces

Grunt 1: Gladly

Grunt 2: Well take it one step further and show you our pokemon too Zubat go!

Barry: If you want to fight I'm game I'm sure Turtwig would love to destroy you and your weird hair for his first battle

Lucas: Barry, don’t escalate things

Barry: I wont let these two pawns try to intimidate us with their Pokemon Lucas come on get your Chimchar out too

Cyrus: He's right Barry, lets not let things get out of hand

Barry: Then why dont you tell your thugs to back off

Cyrus: Hush now the important people have to talk

Barry: Why I ought to….

Rowan: Barry… So Cyrus why are you here

Cyrus: Same reason you are, I’m observing the legendary Pokemon

Rowan: And what would you want to learn about the legendary pokemon hmm?

Cyrus: Im afraid thats a conversation for another time you see I have to be somewhere (turns back to his grunts) I trust you two will handle this

Grunts: (nod)

Cyrus: leave the old man, the other two you can dispose of, (walking away) Its been fun Ill see you later

Grunt 1: Zubat lets go poison sting!

Grunt 2: You too!!

Lucas: Huh (fumbles with poke ball and get Chimchar out)

(Chimchar gets out right infront of the poison sting and doesn't have time to dodge, turtwig deflects it with his head)

Lucas: Chimchar! Uhhhh (Lucas glaces over to Barry's battle)

Barry: Turtwig tackle!!!

Grunt 1: Dodge it

(zubat dodges but turtwig catches him with his tail)

Barry: Nice job your faster than you look turtwig

Lucas: No kidding

Rowan: Pay attention to your battle

Grunt 2: Zubat Bite!

Lucas: Huh?....Chimchar dodge it

Rowan: And leer!

(Chimchar dodges then eyes the zubat straight on intimidating it)

Lucas: Great now scratch!

(chimchar runs up to the zubat paralyzed in fear and takes the scratch head on

Lucas: A critical hit yes!

(The zubat is down and chimchar scratches again fainting it)

Lucas: I didn't say to do that but I guess…

Barry: A little help you know, if you got the time, its really whatever

Lucas: Huh? sorry chimchar scratch that Zubat!

Grunt 1: You're out already? Fine I'll do this myself, Zubat leech life from the Turtwig

Barry: Tackle!

(The zubat quickly flies next to the turtwig dodges the tackle and leeches the life, turtwig goes down)

Barry: Come on turtwig don’t fall now

Rowan: Leech life is a bug move its super effective against grass types, your Turtwig cant take other hit like that

Barry: Come on Turtwig second time is the charm tackle again!

Grunt 1: Same thing!

Lucas: Chimchar try to intercept it!

(The Zubat dodges the turtwig again but is hit by the chimchar and sent flying away, but bites the chimchar before it scratches the zubat which then get tackled by the turwig and faints)

Barry: Awesome! nice job Turtwig return and get some rest!

Lucas: Ya amazing you too Chimchar return

Rowan: Good job both of you

Grunt 1: Why can't hq give us pokemon like that?

Grunt 2: All we get are these garbage Zubats

(a figure appears behind the three)

Mars: Never send a grunt to do a commander's job

Barry: Huh?

Mars: Purugly finish these amateurs

Barry: Bring it on! Turtwig I've got more Pokemon for you to destroy

Lucas: (quietly) Barry, our pokemon are tired from battling and that Pokemon looks really strong, We can't win!

Barry: You never know unless you try, Turtwig tackle

Mars: Purugly fury swipes

(before the two collide me spirit comes in-between them and puts both pokemon to sleep

Mars: Ohh my

Barry: Come on Turtwig you can nap later!

Mars: You fool don't you know what just happened! I must report this to Cyrus.

grunt 1: We'll huh escort you

Grunt 2: Ya

(the three run off)

Barry: Turtwig return

Rowan: Hmm

Barry: What?
Rowan: the way you thrust your pokemon in battle like that was foolish

Barry: Hey it worked didn't it

Rowan: I just hope you learn to not be such a hothead, there wont always be a legendary pokemon to save you

Lucas: So that was the legendary pokemon

Rowan: Yes Mespirit, the being of emotion, come you two lets head back to the lab. We have much to discuss

(Back at the lab)

Rowan: Dawn get these two’s pokemon healed up

Dawn: Yes professor

Barry: Come on Dawn how about a heroes welcome, look happy to see us, we are heros after all right Lucas?

Dawn: The only place I'd be happy to see you is in a cage with the other circus freaks

Barry: Hey thats no way to talk to the guy that single handedly saved your precious Professor

Dawn: Ohh ya I'm sure your friend did nothing

Barry: Ohh sorry luc…

Dawn: And if you were as good as me your Pokemon wouldn't need healing because they wouldn't have taken a hit (takes the poke ball from Barry)

Dawn: I don't think we've been properly introduced, I'm Dawn and you are?

Lucas: Lucas, uhh good to meet you

Dawn: Just dont be as annoying as your friend and well be good friends ( takes the pokeball from lucas)

Lucas: You get used to him don't worry.

Dawn: Doubt it (puts the pokeballs in the healer)

Dawn: Here's you coffee professor

Rowan: Thank you Dawn

Dawn: You two want anything? i can get Lucas water, Barry will have to get it himself

Lucas: I'm fine thanks

Barry: I'll take a virgin pinocolada, extra coconut flavor, three pineapple slices on the side and can you put the little umbrella on top

Dawn: How about I give you a knuckle sandwich

Rowan: Actually Dawn if you could sit down I would like you all to hear this

(Dawn reaches for the closest seat which is next to barry but barry puts his feet on the seat)

Barry: Sorry my hero feet need this seat you wouldn't get it though its a skilled trainer thing

Dawn: It's ok maybe if I sit next to Lucas I won't be able to smell everything you've been in in the last two weeks

Barry: I smell of adventure

Dawn: Adventure in the trash

Rowan: Everyone listen up today Barry, Lucas, and I encountered Cyrus

Dawn: Cyrus? He's back?

Lucas: Ya and we totally kicked his butt

Dawn: Now I know thats a lie

Rowan: He sent some grunts after us that Lucas and Barry were able to defeat handily if I do say so

Dawn: Wait so these two can actually battle?

Rowan: Yes they showed great expertise in combat I’m actually considering letting them keep the two pokemon i gave them

Barry: Huh for real gramps?

Rowan: I said considering so cut it out with the gramps stuff

Barry: Yes professor rowan, the one and only, young, handsome, smart, Professor Rowan

Dawn: Incredible the creature is capable of saying things other than insults

Barry: Not the mention I can count to like 17

Lucas: So who is this Cyrus guy anyways?

Dawn: You want me to professor?

Rowan: I'm not stoping you

Dawn: Cyrus was once on a research team with the professor looking into the mythology of the Sinnoh creation myths

Barry: Ohh you mean that old bedtime story?

Rowan: Our team found its not just an old bedtime story but real events that happened long ago.

Lucas: So why does Cyrus hate you now?

Rowan: Our funding stopped and the research team had to be disbanded, Cyrus was furious. He thinks I should have fought for our team harder and blames me for the disbanding to this day.

Dawn: He's also a very strong trainer someone not even Barry the magnificent could beat

Barry: Mmhmm sure

Rowan: This is not a joke Barry, Cyrus was obsessed with the myth and using the creators of Sinnoh for selfish reasons

Lucas: We got it Professor well be careful

Rowan: You two

Barry: Ya

Rowan: What do you plan on doing with those Pokemon

Barry: Taking on the League of course, its been mine and Lucas’s dream since we were kids

Lucas: Were planning on become the first champion pair

Dawn: Ahahahahahahhahhah, oh your serious

Barry: It may be a childish dream but its better than being a lab assistant

Dawn: Hmmmmmm

Rowan: Well I'm going to ask while you take on the League Challenge you keep an eye out for Cyrus and his men

Lucas: Sounds fair since you did give us Pokemon

Barry: Ya thanks Professor but I'll proboly just use the Pokemon you gave me to catch an even more powerful one

Rowan: Hahah I'm sure you will well since you two are going to be looking at all the Pokemon you see anyways I want you take these

Lucas: What are those

Rowan: They're Pokedexs, they record data about the Pokemon you encounter

Barry: Cool

Rowan: And my final request is this

Barry: Ya sure anything

Rowan: I want you to take Dawn with you

Barry: Except that….

Dawn: I don't know if I'm on board with this either

Rowan: Dawn as my lab assistant I need you to go around sinnoh as I cannot anymore at my age

Dawn: Can’t I go with someone else?

Rowan: No these trainers will be heading to all the major spots in Sinnoh to get the gym badges they need and you will need to study all the major spots in Sinnoh, you could say its meant to be

Barry: Didn't you hear the old man, were meant to be

Dawn: I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth

Barry: You wouldn't be able to get a date even if you were the last woman on Earth if you keep dressing like that

Dawn: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY CLOTHES WHY DONT YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY

Rowan: Why don't you two take it outside

Dawn: Your right, indoors is to civilized for a bar-barry-an

Barry: How long did it take for you to come up with that

Dawn: It take me long long time barry (in barbarian voice)

Rowan: Lucas I have something to give to you

Lucas: Huh what is it

Rowan: It's an old orb we found in one of the ruins we discovered

Lucas: Why are you giving it to me?

Rowan: In all my years I never found a use for it, but I feel like you can and if its important to Cyrus I trust in in your hands more than my own

Lucas: I'm not the best person to give it to shouldn't you give it to Barry or Dawn

Rowan: I am very specific with my actions Lucas, I would not be giving this to you if i did not have complete trust in you and your character.

Rowan: You see those two arguing out there

Barry: Lets settle this, Turtwig go

Dawn: No fair you have the advantage

Barry: I thought you were the master trainer

Rowan: They need a leader, one with common sense but also guts and willingness to put things on the line. You now command the fire type Chimchar, barry the grass type Turtwig, and dawn the water type Piplup. In battle each of those Pokemon is powerful but they also have weaknesses. But if they all work together, fire, water, and grass, they can cover each others weaknesses and truly shine It is the same with people you see, together your all talented trainers, but together, together you will truly be able to show this world true power

Lucas: I understand, trust me professor we will be great (runs out and gets dawn and barry to run with him)

Rowan: (looking out at them run away an Aipom walks next to rowan) Aipom my old friend, do you remember that old crown we found excavating?

It was the most beautiful thing I ever seen, a bring shiny pearl in the center, diamond studs on the side, and all held together by a strong platinum frame.

Hey guys I'm here with a semi first draft of a script I have for a possible manga I was thinking about trying to make. The story is going to follow the plot of Platinum with twists and a bigger emphasis on character development and Lucas, Dawn, and Barry working together as a team. Think of the script as the script to an anime episode and try not to mind the grammar and spelling errors too much I would love feedback on my portrayals of the characters so far and the story in general. Please constructive criticism no flame. Also towards the end I was listening to the Skyward Sword theme and it got me in a big adventure mood so Rowans ending speech might be a little cheesy and over blown I got kicked off the fan fiction page so just message me if you have feedback positive or negative

This is Lucas. He is hoping to one day become a Pokemon master just like his father. Nothing will stop him from defeating all 8 gyms and the Pokemon league. He as vowed to become the greatest trainer in Sinnoh and maybe even the world! But first he has to get out of his room and away from his TV

TV: Special news today coming from Sandgem town today as the famed Pokemon researcher known to many as Professor Rowan has returned from the Kanto region back to his home, the Sinnoh. He has been quoted saying he will set up the first world class research facility in the Sinnoh in Sandgem Town in order to help research the legendary Pokemon said to be living in Lake Verity

(commotion heard downstairs and crashing heard)

Barry: sorry sorry sorry

(running up stairs heard)

Barry: Lucas Lucas did you hear?

TV: In other news a streak of red was seen in the sky today in Hoenn

Barry: a streak of red huh, wonder what that could be, I mean did you hear?

Lucas: slow down barry hear what?

Barry: Oh my god this is so great some professor guy like Rowan or something is in Sandgem Town. I heard you can get Pokemon from him if you get there. We gotta go now Lucas! Before all the Pokemon are gone!

Lucas: Ok lets go race you there

Barry: Ha you’ll never beat me in a race and pretty soon you'll never beat me in a Pokemon battle either

(both run out the house)

Lucas’s Mom: Huh Lucas where are you going?

Lucas: gonna get some Pokemon mom I'll be back before dark!!

(Lucas pops his head back in the door)

Lucas: Love you!!

Barry: Your making this to easy, come on Lucas!!!!

(Barry’s mom open her door)

Barry’s mom: Where are you two going in such a hurry!!
(Barry and Lucas are running until Lucas trips over a branch and hits a small tree dropping a nest from it Starly then attack them both)

Dawn: Piplup bubble beam pronto!!

(Piplup scatters the Stary and saves barry and Lucas)

Dawn: Piplup return!

Dawn: You reckless fools you ruined my research I almost had that Starly egg

Barry: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket

Dawn: Ughh those Pokemon ripped up my jacket (in mocking voice) the nerve of you. Let me tell you something…

Barry: Barry

Dawn: Barry, didn't your mother ever teach you its not nice to talk over other, and it would be nie if you showed a little consideration for my loss instead of mooring over your ugly jacket

Barry: Hey calm down girl we were just trying to get some pokemon and I take pride in how I dress, something it appears like you don't

Dawn: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN!!!!

(Rowan walks up)

Rowan: Dawn what is the meaning of this is your yelling what scared off that flock of stary i just saw?

Dawn: Proffesor I’m sorry it just that umm

Barry: Wait your professor rowan?

Dawn: What did I say about interrupting me?!

Rowan: Yes I am child and whats your name

Dawn: This is Barry, he's the nimrod who scared off all the staly

Barry: Sorry Professor but me and my friend here were runnig to get Pokemon from you

Rowan: (laughing) Do you think I just give out pokemon?

Barry: Well I mean kind of like I heard you were from a guy who heard it from the news or something I dont remember it could have been lemme think umm

Rowan: My my, your brain runs at full speed doesn't it
Barry: (embarrassed) ya well

Rowan: Forgive me but im not sure I know your name

Lucas: Ohh sorry Professor I'm Lucas and im the one who hit the stary nest and made them go haywire, sorry

Barry: Ya, so maybe you should give the evil eye to him not me lady

Dawn: I'll give the evil eye to whoever I want, me and my ugly clothes are free to do as we please. And trust me it not like I want to stare at you, it hard to stare at such a disgusting face to be honest

Barry: Why you I’ll…

Lucas: (grabs barry) We should probably be going back to Twinleaf Town

Rowan: You're going to Twinleaf Town? Why dont you two escort me to Lake verity then, its not far off and considering the commotion you stirred up, its the least you can do

Lucas: We’d be happy to professor

Rowan: And if you two want pokemon then why dont you try out these two

Dawn: Professor your not really going to give them those are you

Rowan: We'll see Dawn

(Rowan reaches into his bag and pulls two poke balls)

Rowan: For you Barry, this Pokemon should be right up your alley

(Barry gets a turtwig)

Barry: Really Professor and slow Turtwig?

(Turtwig tackles Barry)

Rowan: He's almost as hot tempered as you'd say

Rowan: Here lucas this one is for you

(Lucas gets a chimchar)

Lucas: What is it Professor?

Rowan: Its a Chimchar, a fire type pokemon

Barry: Hey no fair, fire beats grass
Rowan: Ahh I see you know more about pokemon than would meet the eye, dawn you can head back to the lab I,m sure these two can escort me just fine

Dawn: ...but but

Barry: You heard the man leave us be, we got important stuff to do

dawn: Ohh would you shut up

barry: Bye bye love you!!

Dawn: Im going to kill you i swear!!

(At Lake Verity)

Barry: So gramps what are we doing here

Rowan: Its profesor for the 12th time

Barry: Ok gramps

Rowan: And were here so I can get some reading on that island

Lucas: What island I can’t see though all this fog

Rowan: Hmm yes, Dawn was supposed to use the stary to defog this place

Barry: I can barley see at all

Lucas: Hey looks like there other people here (pointing at three silhouetted figures)

Barry: I'll ask them if they can defog this place, HEY YOU GUYS!

(the three figures turn and one walks up)

Rowan: Cyrus!

Barry: Huh you know this guy?

Cyrus: Its good to see you old man

Lucas: Hey dont call him that only I can call him that

Cyrus: (snickers) I see you still have younger trainers do your work for you, never a man to get his hands dirty

Rowan: Hmm I'm inclined to call you a hypocrite, why don’t your goons come out of the fog and show their faces

Grunt 1: Gladly

Grunt 2: Well take it one step further and show you our pokemon too Zubat go!

Barry: If you want to fight I'm game I'm sure Turtwig would love to destroy you and your weird hair for his first battle

Lucas: Barry, don’t escalate things

Barry: I wont let these two pawns try to intimidate us with their Pokemon Lucas come on get your Chimchar out too

Cyrus: He's right Barry, lets not let things get out of hand

Barry: Then why dont you tell your thugs to back off

Cyrus: Hush now the important people have to talk

Barry: Why I ought to….

Rowan: Barry… So Cyrus why are you here

Cyrus: Same reason you are, I’m observing the legendary Pokemon

Rowan: And what would you want to learn about the legendary pokemon hmm?

Cyrus: Im afraid thats a conversation for another time you see I have to be somewhere (turns back to his grunts) I trust you two will handle this

Grunts: (nod)

Cyrus: leave the old man, the other two you can dispose of, (walking away) Its been fun Ill see you later

Grunt 1: Zubat lets go poison sting!

Grunt 2: You too!!

Lucas: Huh (fumbles with poke ball and get Chimchar out)

(Chimchar gets out right infront of the poison sting and doesn't have time to dodge, turtwig deflects it with his head)

Lucas: Chimchar! Uhhhh (Lucas glaces over to Barry's battle)

Barry: Turtwig tackle!!!

Grunt 1: Dodge it

(zubat dodges but turtwig catches him with his tail)

Barry: Nice job your faster than you look turtwig

Lucas: No kidding

Rowan: Pay attention to your battle

Grunt 2: Zubat Bite!

Lucas: Huh?....Chimchar dodge it

Rowan: And leer!

(Chimchar dodges then eyes the zubat straight on intimidating it)

Lucas: Great now scratch!

(chimchar runs up to the zubat paralyzed in fear and takes the scratch head on

Lucas: A critical hit yes!

(The zubat is down and chimchar scratches again fainting it)

Lucas: I didn't say to do that but I guess…

Barry: A little help you know, if you got the time, its really whatever

Lucas: Huh? sorry chimchar scratch that Zubat!

Grunt 1: You're out already? Fine I'll do this myself, Zubat leech life from the Turtwig

Barry: Tackle!

(The zubat quickly flies next to the turtwig dodges the tackle and leeches the life, turtwig goes down)

Barry: Come on turtwig don’t fall now

Rowan: Leech life is a bug move its super effective against grass types, your Turtwig cant take other hit like that

Barry: Come on Turtwig second time is the charm tackle again!

Grunt 1: Same thing!

Lucas: Chimchar try to intercept it!

(The Zubat dodges the turtwig again but is hit by the chimchar and sent flying away, but bites the chimchar before it scratches the zubat which then get tackled by the turwig and faints)

Barry: Awesome! nice job Turtwig return and get some rest!

Lucas: Ya amazing you too Chimchar return

Rowan: Good job both of you

Grunt 1: Why can't hq give us pokemon like that?

Grunt 2: All we get are these garbage Zubats

(a figure appears behind the three)

Mars: Never send a grunt to do a commander's job

Barry: Huh?

Mars: Purugly finish these amateurs

Barry: Bring it on! Turtwig I've got more Pokemon for you to destroy

Lucas: (quietly) Barry, our pokemon are tired from battling and that Pokemon looks really strong, We can't win!

Barry: You never know unless you try, Turtwig tackle

Mars: Purugly fury swipes

(before the two collide me spirit comes in-between them and puts both pokemon to sleep

Mars: Ohh my

Barry: Come on Turtwig you can nap later!

Mars: You fool don't you know what just happened! I must report this to Cyrus.

grunt 1: We'll huh escort you

Grunt 2: Ya

(the three run off)

Barry: Turtwig return

Rowan: Hmm

Barry: What?
Rowan: the way you thrust your pokemon in battle like that was foolish

Barry: Hey it worked didn't it

Rowan: I just hope you learn to not be such a hothead, there wont always be a legendary pokemon to save you

Lucas: So that was the legendary pokemon

Rowan: Yes Mespirit, the being of emotion, come you two lets head back to the lab. We have much to discuss

(Back at the lab)

Rowan: Dawn get these two’s pokemon healed up

Dawn: Yes professor

Barry: Come on Dawn how about a heroes welcome, look happy to see us, we are heros after all right Lucas?

Dawn: The only place I'd be happy to see you is in a cage with the other circus freaks

Barry: Hey thats no way to talk to the guy that single handedly saved your precious Professor

Dawn: Ohh ya I'm sure your friend did nothing

Barry: Ohh sorry luc…

Dawn: And if you were as good as me your Pokemon wouldn't need healing because they wouldn't have taken a hit (takes the poke ball from Barry)

Dawn: I don't think we've been properly introduced, I'm Dawn and you are?

Lucas: Lucas, uhh good to meet you

Dawn: Just dont be as annoying as your friend and well be good friends ( takes the pokeball from lucas)

Lucas: You get used to him don't worry.

Dawn: Doubt it (puts the pokeballs in the healer)

Dawn: Here's you coffee professor

Rowan: Thank you Dawn

Dawn: You two want anything? i can get Lucas water, Barry will have to get it himself

Lucas: I'm fine thanks

Barry: I'll take a virgin pinocolada, extra coconut flavor, three pineapple slices on the side and can you put the little umbrella on top

Dawn: How about I give you a knuckle sandwich

Rowan: Actually Dawn if you could sit down I would like you all to hear this

(Dawn reaches for the closest seat which is next to barry but barry puts his feet on the seat)

Barry: Sorry my hero feet need this seat you wouldn't get it though its a skilled trainer thing

Dawn: It's ok maybe if I sit next to Lucas I won't be able to smell everything you've been in in the last two weeks

Barry: I smell of adventure

Dawn: Adventure in the trash

Rowan: Everyone listen up today Barry, Lucas, and I encountered Cyrus

Dawn: Cyrus? He's back?

Lucas: Ya and we totally kicked his butt

Dawn: Now I know thats a lie

Rowan: He sent some grunts after us that Lucas and Barry were able to defeat handily if I do say so

Dawn: Wait so these two can actually battle?

Rowan: Yes they showed great expertise in combat I’m actually considering letting them keep the two pokemon i gave them

Barry: Huh for real gramps?

Rowan: I said considering so cut it out with the gramps stuff

Barry: Yes professor rowan, the one and only, young, handsome, smart, Professor Rowan

Dawn: Incredible the creature is capable of saying things other than insults

Barry: Not the mention I can count to like 17

Lucas: So who is this Cyrus guy anyways?

Dawn: You want me to professor?

Rowan: I'm not stoping you

Dawn: Cyrus was once on a research team with the professor looking into the mythology of the Sinnoh creation myths

Barry: Ohh you mean that old bedtime story?

Rowan: Our team found its not just an old bedtime story but real events that happened long ago.

Lucas: So why does Cyrus hate you now?

Rowan: Our funding stopped and the research team had to be disbanded, Cyrus was furious. He thinks I should have fought for our team harder and blames me for the disbanding to this day.

Dawn: He's also a very strong trainer someone not even Barry the magnificent could beat

Barry: Mmhmm sure

Rowan: This is not a joke Barry, Cyrus was obsessed with the myth and using the creators of Sinnoh for selfish reasons

Lucas: We got it Professor well be careful

Rowan: You two

Barry: Ya

Rowan: What do you plan on doing with those Pokemon

Barry: Taking on the League of course, its been mine and Lucas’s dream since we were kids

Lucas: Were planning on become the first champion pair

Dawn: Ahahahahahahhahhah, oh your serious

Barry: It may be a childish dream but its better than being a lab assistant

Dawn: Hmmmmmm

Rowan: Well I'm going to ask while you take on the League Challenge you keep an eye out for Cyrus and his men

Lucas: Sounds fair since you did give us Pokemon

Barry: Ya thanks Professor but I'll proboly just use the Pokemon you gave me to catch an even more powerful one

Rowan: Hahah I'm sure you will well since you two are going to be looking at all the Pokemon you see anyways I want you take these

Lucas: What are those

Rowan: They're Pokedexs, they record data about the Pokemon you encounter

Barry: Cool

Rowan: And my final request is this

Barry: Ya sure anything

Rowan: I want you to take Dawn with you

Barry: Except that….

Dawn: I don't know if I'm on board with this either

Rowan: Dawn as my lab assistant I need you to go around sinnoh as I cannot anymore at my age

Dawn: Can’t I go with someone else?

Rowan: No these trainers will be heading to all the major spots in Sinnoh to get the gym badges they need and you will need to study all the major spots in Sinnoh, you could say its meant to be

Barry: Didn't you hear the old man, were meant to be

Dawn: I wouldn't date you if you were the last man on earth

Barry: You wouldn't be able to get a date even if you were the last woman on Earth if you keep dressing like that

Dawn: IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH MY CLOTHES WHY DONT YOU JUST LOOK THE OTHER WAY

Rowan: Why don't you two take it outside

Dawn: Your right, indoors is to civilized for a bar-barry-an

Barry: How long did it take for you to come up with that

Dawn: It take me long long time barry (in barbarian voice)

Rowan: Lucas I have something to give to you

Lucas: Huh what is it

Rowan: It's an old orb we found in one of the ruins we discovered

Lucas: Why are you giving it to me?

Rowan: In all my years I never found a use for it, but I feel like you can and if its important to Cyrus I trust in in your hands more than my own

Lucas: I'm not the best person to give it to shouldn't you give it to Barry or Dawn

Rowan: I am very specific with my actions Lucas, I would not be giving this to you if i did not have complete trust in you and your character.

Rowan: You see those two arguing out there

Barry: Lets settle this, Turtwig go

Dawn: No fair you have the advantage

Barry: I thought you were the master trainer

Rowan: They need a leader, one with common sense but also guts and willingness to put things on the line. You now command the fire type Chimchar, barry the grass type Turtwig, and dawn the water type Piplup. In battle each of those Pokemon is powerful but they also have weaknesses. But if they all work together, fire, water, and grass, they can cover each others weaknesses and truly shine It is the same with people you see, together your all talented trainers, but together, together you will truly be able to show this world true power

Lucas: I understand, trust me professor we will be great (runs out and gets dawn and barry to run with him)

Rowan: (looking out at them run away an Aipom walks next to rowan) Aipom my old friend, do you remember that old crown we found excavating?

It was the most beautiful thing I ever seen, a bring shiny pearl in the center, diamond studs on the side, and all held together by a strong platinum frame.

bobandbill June 26th, 2014 4:00 PM

3rddegreepwnedge, I would suggest expanding more on the script for starters. A script isn't meant to just show dialogue - it needs to include details on the setting, stage directions, and how characters speak and what they do. Just being a script means you should skimp on those details - they are what help make the story interesting after all, and dialogue alone won't carry the story. You do this a couple times at the very end, but it has to be throughout the whole script.

Also be sure to proofread. You're missing out on a lot of full stops there to end sentences, and some lines you didn't capitalise either (e.g. 'Barry: a streak of red huh, wonder what that could be, I mean did you hear?'). Run it through a spell and grammar checker and edit for simple errors like that, as they are easy to fix and just distract from the story.

Astinus July 7th, 2014 9:04 PM

Very very short post here, because I want some reassurance that what I'm doing is working. The current chapter I'm working on is a flashback chapter, and I want to make sure the reader understands which scenes are in the past and which are in the future. I'm worried about the current scene that I'm writing, since this is the first time I'm writing a flashback chapter ever, so I'll share it here.

I should warn that this isn't edited at all.

Spoiler:
Quote:

The Kaiser held the Digimental in his hand. He turned it over, studying it. He was aware of the sharp needle sticking out of the top, and kept his gloves on as he traced his fingers along the design. BlackMetalGreymon didn't recognize the purple design on the egg. The Kaiser's silence told BlackMetalGreymon that the human didn't know what it was either.

The Kaiser's general hadn't trusted the idea of leaving BlackWereGarurumon alone in the base. The Chosen Digimon was so recently overtaken by the Kaiser's power, and BlackMetalGreymon expected him to free himself at any time. BlackMetalGreymon had expected to return to the base to find the Kaiser killed and the Chosen Children celebrating their victory.

Getting the Digimental had to be done. BlackMetalGreymon ventured this idea the day after the pitiful Armadimon evolved to Submarimon when his human partner used a Digimental.

“How many Digimentals are there?” the Kaiser asked. He stared at a map of the DigiWorld, planning his next attack. The army was gaining new territory every day. The Chosen Children tried to free areas, but they didn't have the dedication the Kaiser did. Any area they freed was quickly taken over again and reinforced.

pokenavkev15 July 7th, 2014 9:38 PM

May I post some stuff as well :D I've already started on my own FanFiction here called Pokémon The Kanto Journey.

icomeanon6 July 7th, 2014 11:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Astinus (Post 8336424)
Very very short post here, because I want some reassurance that what I'm doing is working. The current chapter I'm working on is a flashback chapter, and I want to make sure the reader understands which scenes are in the past and which are in the future. I'm worried about the current scene that I'm writing, since this is the first time I'm writing a flashback chapter ever, so I'll share it here.

So as I understand it, the first two paragraphs are strictly narrative-present, and the third acts as a bridge between narrative-present and narrative-past, which starts with the fourth paragraph.

I read it twice before being certain on my understanding, but that may just have been because I haven't read the story up to that point. If you're worried about the reader missing the transition--which I always worry about when the scene changes substantially over only a few lines--I don't think it would hurt to add a "Five Digi-Weeks Ago" or another delineating something on its own line before the fourth paragraph. I know some people don't like artificial meta-text or other formatting stuff in their writing (say, putting a flashback in italics), but you need to tread carefully when it comes to temporal transitions.

Maybe the third paragraph could be extended by establishing where the following flashback takes place as well, so you're more sure the reader registers the scene change? If there's genuine ambiguity about the transition, I'd say it's because on its own the fourth paragraph reads like it could take place in the same location/time as the first two. If the change in the location is emphasized as well as the change in time, I think it might work better.

So yeah, Digimon. Digital Monsters. Digimon are the champions. *repeats ad nauseum*

Quote:

Originally Posted by pokenavkev15
May I post some stuff as well :D I've already started on my own FanFiction here called Pokémon The Kanto Journey.

You don't need permission to post excerpts here, so have at it!

pokenavkev15 July 8th, 2014 12:08 AM

Ok then :) Here's a little draft for my Fanfic. I'm intending to make the R/B/Y/Fr/Lg story "darker." Also, some backstories will be included such as the formation of Team Rocket, so this an early draft.
Spoiler:
~~~~~~12 Years Ago
Professor Oak stood at the door looking outside. He turns and sits down a chair.
"Why would I listen to you?" he said. A man walks up to him.
"Because, I have your son and his wife in my hideout. Either you cooperate, or my father will kill them," he said smiling.
The Professor gets up. "Mr. Fuji is involved too isn't he? He and I studied about these kinds of things years ago. Now you're trying to get us started on this again? We had enough of your bullying, we refuse to be in your little crime syndicate!"
"Fuji and his brother have successfully helped The Rocket Gang for at least three years now. Our research and knowledge is almost endless because of them. Like my father said, our power is rising, and soon, we will be rich."
The Professor smiles and eventually laughs. "Even you know that's a load of bull. I should've known you were involved with The Rocket Gang. You always seemed more vicious than the others," the Professor sits down on a different chair.
"You idiot! You will work for us, or you will never see them again! How would their son and daughter feel knowing that their parents were killed by your demands?"
Samuel stands up. "You leave the kids out of this," he said closing his fists.
"Listen when I say this. You will retire as champion of the Kanto region. You will stop trying to complete the Pokedex. You will no longer travel regions to gather and add more information with your stupid Professor friends. You will help us clone Pokémon. You've done it before, or did you forget about that Pikachu?"
Oak's eyes widen.
"Oh yes, Fuji told me everything. You succeeded in cloning a wild Pikachu. Where is it now? Did you kill it? Or are you waiting to hand it away to some late boy on his first day of the journey to become champion?"
The Professor shakes his head. "The Pikachu is too unstable. I'm planning on putting it down. Why don't you find some other Professor to bother?" he said as he served himself a glass shot of whiskey.
"You see, I was raised here in Kanto. My hometown is Viridian City. That's why I reside there unless I'm needed. I won't travel anywhere else. Who will I go too? Elm is another prick who is barely learning to be a professor. Birch is nothing but your own friend, and you care about him don't you? Maybe I should go to Hoenn and bring him here right? I'll cut open his throat."
The Professor grabs him and slams him against the wall. "If you touch him-"
"What? Hahaha, I knew it, you do care about him as more don't you? I've heard of the very old rumors before, and now this confirms this! I've mentioned in killing your family but you snap on Birch? Now I know the truth. Let me go you moron," he said and Oak does so.
"Sinnoh is too far away. Rowen is nothing but an idiot as well. Anymore I need to get out of you? Or will you finally listen to what my father wants you to do."
Oak looks at the ground. "What the hell do you want?"
"We captured a Pokémon and I need you to clone it. Along with Mr. Fuji, you two should be able to clone it. My father doesn't wish to be disappointed you know."
"What Pokémon do you want me to kill? The process does involve killing it and eventually a clone is made. What possibly would you want? What Pokémon in the whole goddamn world do you want me to kill so you can leave my friends and family alone?!" Oak screams.
He sees him gather all of his stuff. "I'll come back tomorrow so I can take you to the lab in Cinnabar Island," he walks to the door.
He opens it. "And the Pokémon you're going to kill is a Mew," he said leaving Oak in shock and disbelief.
"Mew?"
He sits on a floor and stares at the exit.

Mr. Fuji bursts through the door. "I came as soon as I heard."
Mr. Fuji stood there watching Oak walk around.
"We have no choice Sam, either we work for that bastard or we lose everything."
Oak looks at Fuji. "I have two children that I have to take care of: a baby boy, and a six year old girl. Their parents are gone. My son is gone. You think that I would just sit around?" Oak states as he drank another shot of whiskey. Fuji grabs the bottle and smashes it in the floor. "It's 8:35 in the night Sam. Stop drinking, I need you to focus for tomorrow," Fuji said to Sam.
"Where's your brother? Where is he?" Sam suddenly said.
"He officially joined The Rocket Gang. It's just you and me," Mr. Fuji said sitting in a chair.
They are consumed by silence that lasted for a few minutes.
Fuji stands up. "I've seen the Mew," he said.
"I thought he was bluffing," Oak said.
"He wasn't. I thought it was impossible, but they invented some kind of collar, stopping all of Mew's abilities. I tried to take it off but it is sealed to its skin. If I take it out, I'll kill it."
"We'll still have to kill it anyhow."
Fuji walks to the back room. Oak follows.
"Where's Pikachu?" Fuji said going through every Pokeball.
"It's always in the case. I can't let it out, it's too dangerous, it has enough electrical power as a Raichu," Oak said.
"The Rocket Gang will use our knowledge to their advantage, and other scientists who pledged to work for them will be with us too. Something tells me that they are going to create something more... something dangerous. Samuel, we cannot let them have us, we can flee! We need to hide the Pikachu as well!" Fuji said.
"We can't, we have too many people that we care about," Oak said.
"We'll hide them. Hide them all. My brother knows some knowledge, but without us, he cannot complete this matter. We'll call them."
Oak looked hesitant. "Where would we go?" Oak stated.
"I think you know the answer."
The Professor's eyes widen.
"Prepare everything. We're leaving before sunrise."

The Rocket Gang dash open the door. The Boss goes in and sees the lab empty.
"He booked it too. They're gone," said a grunt.
The Boss looks around. "It doesn't matter. Send a plane out to Hoenn and Johto. He's in either region," the Boss said looking around. The grunts walk away leaving him alone with his son.
He pics up a picture of Samuel and his two students. "I guess that you do want people dying after all."
The Boss' son walks up to broken glass. "We should've taken him yesterday. He wouldn't have left."
"No. We will follow. For his insolence, he won't have a happy ending. I want you to head out to Viridian City and you will stay in there to be safe. We are crossing the borders of our region, so there will be dire consequences. Especially with the High Counselor. I will handle this idiot. He has no idea the pain I will endure to him."
The two of them walk out the door. "You know that your girlfriend Arianna would not like it when she discovers the truth, my son."
"I know father, but I can't tell her, she will never forgive me for who I am. What I've become..."
The Rocket Gang Leader slaps his son across the face. His son stares in fear. "You imbecile! Do you have any idea what you are saying!? This organization has been within our family name for years! The Plasma Syndicate know this, and I am getting far too old to still be leader of the Rocket Gang! You will bring her in, or she will die!" He walks off.
The Leader's son looks at the floor. "I never wanted this. The Plasma Syndicate will pay dearly for this. Mark my words."

bobandbill July 8th, 2014 3:49 AM

I agree with icomeanon - Something like a scene transition would help (I've always used *** - nice and simple, and not overly informative, although italics for that past scene would be doable too imo). Mind you, without context it may well just be harder for me to tell. Or more info - the transition does need a bit of work either way in being clearer.

Quote:

So yeah, Digimon. Digital Monsters. Digimon are the champions. *repeats ad nauseum*
When I think of the Digimon theme song, it's in Polish because of the small handful of episodes I watched it was in Polish. [/aside]

pokenavkev15 - I'd suggest spacing that out firstly, so there's a line of spacing between each paragraph/new line of dialogue. That way it'll be easier to read.

Astinus July 8th, 2014 2:47 PM

Thanks, bobandbill and icomeanon6! I decided last night to cut the scene that I was transitioning to in the sample I posted because it didn't add anything to the story. (The information I wanted to tell can be done in one sentence in the present narration.) I'll be sure to keep the advice in mind if I ever attempt this again!

Mana August 2nd, 2014 5:24 AM

This is the prologue to my failed NaNoWriMo-Camp piece. It's a chase scene, I really struggled to fluff up the words without repeating myself or losing the pace. I was reasonably happy with this bit by the end.

Spoiler:
Prologue:

The westward breeze carried the paper-thin wings, the plane soaring through the evening sky. The pilot, panicked by his pursuers, frantically twisted at the steering wheel; the plane jolted from left to right. There was little colour left in the world at this time of day, the surrounding trees becoming a blur of black as the sun set on the horizon - the enemy blended in with the mass of vegetation around him.

The beating of wings, followed by a short, sharp call. Creeping shadows burst out of the treeline, their enormous, feathered wings evident as they soared above their prey into the reddening sky. The pilot knew the predators meant business. He rattled a control stick by his leg; a section of the tail wobbled in unison, throwing the plane into an erratic flight-path.

The first assault came soon after, the giant predator bombing down from above. Talons flashed by the aircraft, narrowly missing the delicate structure. A chilling squawk cackled as the ferocious bird circled its prey, taunting the defenseless creature as it prepared for another attack. The second hawk joined, the smaller female looking equally dangerous to the frantic aeronaut.

This scene was not new to the pilot, it was a danger he faced every day. The hawks had always been hunting him, as long as he could remember, always chasing him around the forest - he could never escape.

He knew a second dive attempt was imminent. As the treeline broke, the pilot changed tactics, plunging the plane into a downward spiral to gain some distance from its hunters. Beyond the cover of the trees, he knew that the hunters would soon catch up, the only way to win this race was to use the aerial terrain to his advantage.

Fragile wings was buffeted by the wind, but the aircraft held together as the able pilot levelled off, flying back into the forest under the protection of the canopy. The hawks were out of sight, the pilot hoped he was off their radar as well.

The foliage cut out the light, the pilot had to rely on his instincts to maneuver in the darkness. Short, sharp turns barely avoided the tree trunks. Silence had crept in since going into hiding, there were no signs of the ensuing predators - however, he knew they were there. Even the rustling leaves seemed to stand still as the pilot strained to hear any sign of another onslaught.

There was no safe place he knew of, nowhere to aim for, no direction any more favourable. If he could get some distance though, the pilot might survive another day. He was used to life on the run, always escaping the fearsome predators of the vinewood.

Something moved in the corner of his vision; the pilot couldn’t react fast enough. The strong, feathered wing made contact. A disastrous crack followed, signalled the breaking of the aeroplane’s wing. The desperate aeronaut struggled with the controls; however, nothing seemed to be helping.

Spiralling down from the canopy, the aircraft was lost. The pilot braced for impact, mind blank with fear. The plane crashed earlier than expected; a spattering of glass cushioning the descent. The plane found ground on a spacious, soft floor. The mangled remains would need weeks worth of repair to ever be air-worthy again. Shrill cries echoed from behind, the hawks darting past the smashed window in search of their prey. There was no way in. The pilot was safe from the birds, for now.


DracoLatch June 3rd, 2015 12:10 AM

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=345775
A story I wrote about pokemon betraying humanity, and the war between the two species.

Alexander Nicholi August 8th, 2015 12:41 AM

Hi,

I didn't see a better place to post this, so sorry if this is in the wrong forum/thread. I was hoping I could get a few of you writer folk to help me revise/proofread a Code of Conduct I've written mostly from scratch, found here.

My eyesight is can be kind of terrible at times and at present I lack spectacles to look over it too much, but besides errors which aren't as important atm I'd really like to get y'all's input on how I can better word the document, if it's not fine as-is. It's meant to be a general rulebook and reference piece for a microblogging platform I'm scratch-coding. The goal of the document is to protect the website, its staff, and affiliated parties and applicable authority relations while setting in stone what users are to do and not to do to ensure a safe, family-friendly, and positive browsing experience (like any public website CoC should).

Obviously not asking for legal advice or anything, but I think what's already there should give a clear enough picture if you can help. Thank you

SeleneHime November 4th, 2015 6:04 AM

I haven't decided if this scene has a place in my novel, yet, but it was fun to write. Quite telling, too.

Quote:

The drive to see Matron got longer every year. Seth stared out the darkening window, ignoring the Kindle laying on his lap as he watched the fields roll by. They weren’t quite in the middle of no where - he could still hear the occasional static of other thoughts when they passed a well-spaced house - but it was close enough, in comparison to the chaos of New York. There was never a moment’s peace in a city of the world, and never would be. It would be an endless rain of useless, petty thoughts invading his mindspace at every turn.

He let out a soft breath when the radio, too, turned to static, and leaned forward to retrieve the CDs from the glovebox. “Bach or Debussy?” he asked, lifting a disinterested brow at his father in the process.

Colton adjusted his grip on the steering wheel, flexing tired fingers. “Debussy. Have you already finished your book?”

“Two of them.”

His father gave a slow nod, combing his fingers through his dark hair in thought as Nocturne floated from the CD player. “Even the Iliad?”

“It bored me, but yes. One would think that gods would have more sense than they displayed,” the child said, and gave a negligent shrug. “In comparison to the humans, their power was absolute. It seemed rather stupid that they spent so much effort playing with them, when they could have simply molded them to their will. Aphrodite was the only one to exercise her power as she should’ve, and even that was for petty reasons.”

“Hmm.” Colton shifted hands, rubbing under his glasses after a pause. “Have you considered -”

“I have.”

His father gave a tight nod. “While I understand that you get tired of having to hide certain things, Seth, it’s still rude to cut someone off.”

Seth finally turned, blue eyed stare patronizing. It was also detached. “I know what you’re going to say before you even finish thinking it. It seems like a waste of breath.”

Colton’s lips pressed into a thin line, and he let out a soft breath. “We have a different bent. I don’t have your advantage.” He was uncomfortable. Again.

The ten-year-old just shifted in his seat, turning back to the window. “We do. And in comparison to the general population,” he mused, waving an idle hand towards a house in the distance, “we are gods.”

Fotomac November 30th, 2015 2:04 PM

I'm a bit stuck on chapter 8 of Pokémon: Clefairy Tales. I intend to start by focusing on a Super Nerd before Leaf appears. For the ensuing battle, I'll pit Leaf's Geodude against the Super Nerd's Magnemite and Voltorb. However... I don't know where to go from there.

Quote:

Jovan summoned one of three Pokémon on his person. A creature resembling a Poké Ball with angry eyes appeared. "You ready to do this?" the super nerd asked. The creature, a Voltorb, flashed a small amount of electricity in approval.

Jovan proceeded to secure a metal dome over the Voltorb. "Three... two... one..."

KABOOM! Jovan removed the dome and recalled the Voltorb, which was in no condition to battle. He removed the pieces of the rock and found a Dome Fossil. As he put it in his bag, he heard footsteps. Turning, he saw Leaf standing there. "What the...!?" he exclaimed. "Don't sneak up on me!"

Horn March 20th, 2016 2:02 AM

This is the start of Pokémon x Youkai Watch anime crossover story I mentioned in Plot Bunny thread. This is how Keita got into the Pokémon world thanks to Hoopa's ring malfunction and meets Ash, Serena, Clemont and Bonnie. It's taking place right after the events of XY movie 2, or Hoopa movie, if you want. It is placed in Dahara City, the movie location.
Bear in mind this is still first version, which needs lots of polishing. Also, I am still not decided about if I should use Japanese or English names for Youkai Watch characters. I am using Japanese for now, since I am more familiar with them, but I may change that in future, depending on your input. For Pokémon characters, however, I will definitely use English names, so don't hesitate to tell me how this Japanese-English mix works for you, so I can change it in future. The working title for now is Keita goes to another world, but that may change too. Thanks for your input.

Quote:

Keita was in his room, admiring his Youkai medal collection. Suddenly, he heard yelling from his wardrobe. He opened the door to his wardrobe and saw Jibanyan and Hikikoumori being taken by grey hand to some pink essence filling golden ring. Keita grabbed yelling Hikikoumori and yelled on Whisper to help him. Whisper flew to look what’s going on, and Keita told him to grab Jibanyan and got him out of that thing. Whisper did so, but despite their try, they couldn’t beat the strong hand from the other side. They were taken by the hand and fall on ground who knows where.
“Did Hoopa startle you?” big, grey blue and pink Jeanie-like creature, with lots of unattached hands, asked.
“Whisper, what is this?” Keita asked.
Whisper looked on his Youkai Pad, but couldn’t find this creature.
“I… I… I… don’t know, Whis,” he admitted.
“What? Not even your pad knows that?”
Whisper, ashamed, shook his head.
“This is Hoopa,” said boy in blue and white jacket, blue pants and red and white cap. “I am Ash Ketchum and this,” Ash pointed on yellow rodent-like creature, “is my partner Pikachu.”
“Pika Pikachu,” said Pikachu.
“Hi, I am Serena,” said girl with short blond hair, brown and red hat, pink dress with red cape and brown stockings.
“I am Clemont,” said boy in blue and yellow overall. “And this,” Clemont pointed to girl in brown shirt with black ribbon, black shorts, white skirt and yellow satchel, “is my little sister Bonnie.”
“And this little one,” Bonnie opened her satchel, “is Dedenne.”
“Wait!” Keita yelled. “So many Youkais and so many people who could see them?”
“Youkai? You mean ghost or spirit? Trust me, Pikachu is very alive,” Ash said.
“Pi,” nodded Pikachu.
“But you have some strange Pokémon with you,” Ash said and took out his Pokédex.
Ash pointed his Pokédex on Whisper, but it did not react at all.
“That’s strange,” Ash mumbled.
He pointed his Pokédex on Pikachu and it recited Pikachu’s data.
“Hmm, so it’s not broken,” Ash stated. “So, what are those creatures if they aren’t Pokémon?”
“Pokémon?” Keita asked.
Serena, Clemont and Bonnie looked at each other with confused look. They had no idea what creatures Ash was talking about.
“Ash, what are you talking about?” Serena asked.
“I am talking about those three,” Ash pointed on Whisper by Keita’s right side, Jibanyan by Keita’s left side and Hikikoumori hiding behind Keita’s right leg.
“Sorry Ash, but there’s nothing there,” Serena said.
“So, you can’t see them,” Keita stated. “But how he can?”
“Huh?!” all four friends said.
“Guess I have no other chance,” Keita sighed. “These are Youkais. I can see them thanks to this Youkai Watch,” Keita pointed on his left wrist.
Youkais?” all four said again.
“Yes, spirits, which are responsible for all strange things in our world… well… my world, as I am not sure I am still in my world, thanks to these things you called Pokémon.”
“Wait a minute! There are no Pokémon where you live?” Bonnie asked shocked.
“No. At least none were discovered yet.”
“That’s sad,” Bonnie stated and petted her Dedenne.
“But in my world people can’t normally see Youkais too. I wonder how you can see them.”
Ash thought about it and then remembered something: “I was told I am Aura Guardian…”
“Aura Guardian?” Clemont asked surprised.
“What’s that?” Serena asked.
“Aura Guardians were legendary Aura users, which travelled around world and helped others with these skills,” Clemont explained. “However, I thought Aura Guardians disappeared long time ago.”
“Not true,” Ash said. “In Sinnoh, I’ve met Riley, who is Aura Guardian. It was also in Sinnoh I was told I have these skills too. But I decided to continue my journey as normal Pokémon trainer and never really thought much about this.”
“But, how could this allow Ash seeing Youkais?” Keita asked, still very confused about this strange world he ended in.
“Well, Aura is some sort of force present in every living being,” Clemont explained. “Those who could use it, are able to sense things others can’t. That’s probably why Ash could see these ghosts of yours.”
“Hey Ash, sorry for taking so long,” yelled young woman who just came. “I hope Hoopa did not cause any trouble.”
“Actually, he did, Meray,” Serena said. “He brought this boy from who knows were.”
“Hoopa!” Maray looked at Hoopa angrily. “Take him back NOW!”
“Hoopa can’t,” Hoopa said ashamed.
“What do you mean by ‘Hoopa can’t’, you big hairball?” now Keita was angry.
“Hoopa did not mean to bring someone from another world. It was accident, Hoopa doesn’t know how happened. Hoopa is not sure he can repeat it.”
Now Keita’s stance changed from angry to sad. Ash noticed this and came to him.
Ash put his hands on Keita’s shoulders and said: “Don’t worry, ehm…”
“Oh, sorry, my name’s Keita Amano.”
“Don’t worry Keita, we’ll find a way to get you home.”

Whozawhatcha March 30th, 2016 7:02 AM

Well, I'm brand new to here, but I've started my first written nuzlocke. It's a randomized nuzlocke, so I had to come up with a unique way to explain why my character was getting these pokemon, and this is what I came up with. I'll post the little blip under a spoiler tag so this won't be a giant post. (Also, my character is extremely Russian.)

Spoiler:

Ivanna entered the Pokemon Center and dropped off Vinko with the nurse. Vinko collapsed tiredly, huffing as he finally got to relax after she had used him so heavily in the forest. Vaska denied the chance, preferring to stay perched on her shoulder as she approached the corner where a man stood behind a counter. Curiously, the mailroom was vacant of trainers getting care packages from their mothers.

“Hello,” the man said, “how can I help you?”

She put her trainer ID down on the counter with a click. “My name is Ivanna Moisey. I am here to pick up package.”

He smiled broadly then, saying, “Ah, Miss Moisey! Your package came in just this morning!” He hurried into the back, and Ivanna could see several shelves lined with packages for the pokemon center and the passing trainers. “I think it’s just great what you’re doing,” he called out to her as he searched. “I used to battle once upon a time, and I had a Hitmonlee that I had to give up when he got a leg injury. Sadly, I didn’t make it that far through the league, I crashed and burned at the fourth gym,” and he was suddenly back with a square box, “which was a real shame. If I had been thinking ahead, I would have kept my Hitmonlee regardless of his injury. I still wonder whatever happened to him. Anyways, if you’ll just sign right here.”

Ivanna could only blink uncomfortably at his torrent of words, and she shifted under his undeserved praise of her. She signed for the package and said, “Thank you,” intending on beating a hasty retreat, but his voice followed her with, “We need more trainers like you in the world! Thank you!”

Ivanna did her best to ignore him as well as Vaska’s sideways glance. Instead, she walked to the back of the Pokemon Center and found a vacant table. Sitting down, Ivanna took out a pocket knife and cut the tape on the cardboard. Vaska hopped onto the table, cocking his head curiously as she revealed two pokeballs, two folders, and an extensive note on top complete with a card attached to it. She unfolded the paper first, and it said:


Dear Ivanna Moisey,

Thank you for choosing to participate with Homes for Disabled Pokemon! HDP is a program devoted to finding homes for unwanted or disadvantaged pokemon that have been handicapped through birth, trainer battling or other causes.

Enclosed are your HDP associate card and the pokeballs of the first two pokemon of your new journey. Clear information and instructions are provided for the history and future care of your pokemon. If any pokemon require medication, HDP will provide the cost as sponsorship. If there are further questions, please call 75-388-67 or contact us at [email protected] for more information.
Sincerely,
Homes for Disabled Pokemon
President Dashi



Peeling the HDP ID from the page, Ivanna added it to her billfold without a word and picked up the two folders. She flipped them open, and her eyes skimmed past the Snubbull and instead landed greedily on the other pokemon.

“Axew?” she breathed in shock. Who in the world wouldn’t want an Axew? Knowing her luck, it would be brain dead or incompetent. Flipping the folder open, Vaska leaning over with interest in the dragon type, she began to read.

Her blue eyes widened like planets. It was a SHINY Axew! Why in the world wouldn’t someone want this pokemon? Even if it couldn’t battle, shinies were known to be able to hop into the world of acting with nothing more than a flash of their abnormal color. People PAID for shinies, and they paid very well for shinies.

Ivanna read quickly. Mischievous and unable to be controlled . . . she could handle whatever bad personality it had. And, ah, she was a wild pokemon that had been presumably mauled by the mother. Shinies never lasted long in the wild because of the instinct for mothers to kill the falsely colored child. A shiny color meant they couldn’t hide from predators. Shinies brought danger upon themselves in the wild.

Mauled . . . The Axew was lopsided. One of her tusks had been ripped out completely. Her right tusk had been clawed off as well as her right hand, and a substantial amount of her scales. Ivanna considered this. Even if she was lopsided and theoretically had a blind spot on her right, the Axew was absolutely capable of battling.

“I can’t believe ve lucked up like this,” Ivanna said to Vaska, pushing the folder his way. She glanced over the Snubbull in the meantime. Mildred the Snubbull, used to have a family that couldn’t deal with her and gave her up to HDP . . . Extreme social anxiety and panic attacks. Lovely.

Vaska hummed lowly in appreciation. “Dragon is perfect. She’ll have to vatch right side, but dragon is dragon. Vhat is other?”

“Snubbull,” she told him. She arched a brow. “Anxiety and panic attacks. Try not to look at her.”

Vaska reared his head back in amusement at her jibe, but offered up nothing in his defense. Releasing both pokemon so she could see them, they formed from the red light in drastically different postures—the Axew looked her right in the eye while the Snubbull shrank as small as possible.

Arylett Charnoa March 31st, 2016 10:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Whozawhatcha (Post 9184037)
Well, I'm brand new to here, but I've started my first written nuzlocke. It's a randomized nuzlocke, so I had to come up with a unique way to explain why my character was getting these pokemon, and this is what I came up with. I'll post the little blip under a spoiler tag so this won't be a giant post. (Also, my character is extremely Russian.)

An interesting concept! I personally don't read much fanfiction, so I can't compare this to other Nuzlockes. But it does definitely catch my eye for being rather unique. I like your explanation of how shinies are mauled in the wild by their mothers due to being oddly colored. Also unique. You have some interesting ideas!

__________________________________________

Okay, I guess I'll show you a random snippet of my Aelita series I wrote not too long ago. Not my best, but hey. It's something! And something usually doesn't happen very often.

Of course, you'll need some context for the terms and such used. Since this is completely original. A Valstaen is an anthropormorphic canine/avianlike creature that has mostly replaced the human race now on this planet. One of their key features is the gems on their chests. The human race lives on a tiny island (Yuval) segregated from the rest and have an option to integrate into the rest of society by undergoing something called Valist Conversion. (That turns you into a Valstaen)

The two main characters are meeting each other for the first time here. One of them is named after me, you'll notice.

Spoiler:
Lunaris Adamantine paced around his office, overlooking the test results that his father had sent him. His mind spun and rushed, trying to concentrate on this boring part of the job. It was loads of paperwork. Field research was over now, and he needed to check that idiot’s mistakes.

He heard a “ding” and a vibrating sound coming from his cellphone. Sighing exasperatedly, he picked it up to see what stupidly repetitive and obvious message his father had sent him this time.

Huh… an e-mail.

Sender: HQosYih… continuing nonsense. Title: How would you like to finish what you’ve started?

He stared at it derisively and opened it up. Some random spam… at least it’d probably give him a good laugh.

To Lunaris Adamantine, the unfinished Valstaen… Those words immediately caught his eye, and his body tensed up.

Quote:

This is no random spam of your inbox, but a highly classified message for your eyes only. I apologize for the unprofessional appearance, but it had to be to disguise this message’s very sensitive contents.

My name is Hayato Izamora, Chief Emissary of the W.E. As you may recall with your dealings with the Human Rights Committee, you were told that we would get back to you when we discovered a way to finish your Conversion. That way is now.

However, there is a mission of utmost importance that you must undertake before we can complete your transformation. One that necessitates your unique situation. There is a client of ours who requires your expertise and guidance on her path towards becoming a Valist.

Her name is Arylett Charnoa and she is an agent of our Human Ambassador program. A young and promising girl who is in great danger from a rogue organization known as MIANG. We must remove her from Yuval and put her safely in our care. A human operative with knowledge and experience in the process of Valist Conversion is required, and we have decided that you are the most suitable candidate for this job.

Should you choose to undertake this mission, please arrive at…

The message continued, listing specific coordinates for a meeting place and informing him to print out a special attachment to bring it with him. Lunaris didn’t know what he felt exactly. Excitement? Maybe that was it. But he was also cautious. They hadn’t contacted him in years and now that they might have figured out a way, he’d have to work for it even more.

But he might as well not worry about things he couldn’t change. What mattered is, there was a chance. And he wasn’t going to hesitate the opportunity to seize it.

___________
Arriving in the secluded area of town that they had requested to meet him, Lunaris waited patiently for the agents of the HRC to arrive. Waiting in a weird part of town like this was nothing new to him; these people always preferred the shadows due to the stigma Valist Conversion held in human society.

“Present the attachment as instructed,” A voice sounded from the shadows. Lunaris obeyed and placed a sheet of paper with odd symbols on the ground. The symbols began to glow, first becoming orange… and then green.

“Very good. Your interaction is approved,” Although the words this woman spoke sounded oddly robotic, he could clearly tell that this was a natural human being, and not one of the usual androids they sent out. Strange…

“Mr. Adamantine, you are to go to HQ-Y6 to meet the client and undergo your briefing. Do you understand the conditions of your agreement?”

“Yes,”

“Very well. Preparing for transport… step onto the symbol,” He did as he was instructed and suddenly felt very dizzy. A blur of colors were rushing all around him, his surroundings unclear. The familar sensation of teleportation. Abruptly, everything around him stopped, and he nearly fell over when he arrived at the final destination.

“Ah, ha ha. Welcome, Mr. Adamantine!” A voice with an odd accent practically shouted at him enthusiastically. He merely rubbed his head in response, trying to gain his bearings as he slowly got to his feet.

“I’m sorry about the bumpy ride. Those pieces of paper are terribly antiquated… but it’s the only way to get around here without looking suspicious!” He started to laugh in a jolly fashion.

“It’s no problem,”

“So… why don’t you show me… your gem?” The older gentleman stroked his beard, staring at Lunaris in an intrigued fashion.

The young man removed his rather baggy shirt, revealing a somewhat dim-looking blue gem, its insides looking a bit murky.

“My, my! It’s looking a bit dirty, isn’t it? That’s understandable though. We can get that cleaned later. Oh, I’m quite sorry! I forgot to tell you my name. I’m Dr. Franz Gunter, By the way, you can put your shirt back on,”

“Nice to meet you, Dr. Gunter!” He smiled in a friendly manner, placing his shirt back on, then looked at the doctor curiously.

“Anyway… in the message, it said there was a client I’d be meeting,”

“Ah… yes. Miss Charnoa. Of course, of course you’d be curious about your mentee. Come with me, please!” The somewhat eccentric Dr. Gunter led him away from the room he had arrived in and down a series of rather old-looking hallways, doors with chipping paint and broken down machines were just around every corner. The place looked like it could do with a good repair job. But that was to be expected in these facilities.

“So what’s this Miss Charnoa like anyway?”

“A very sweet girl. Obedient and very displicined, just the way the higher ups like her!” He grinned somewhat mischeviously. “Don’t worry, she won’t give you any problems,”

As as they were to turn yet another corner, the doctor stopped abruptly at a rather new-looking door that looked out of place. He knocked.

“Miss Charnoa! Your new guardian is here to see you!”

“Just a moment!” A young-sounding voice responded, as they heard the sounds of rustling and objects being bumped around. The door opened to reveal a small dark-haired girl dressed in red. He noticed that she also had a gem embedded in her chest, but unlike his, hers was extremely bright and vivid. Lunaris looked down at her, but she seemed to avert his gaze.

“It’s nice to meet you, sir,” She bowed very formally.

Dr. Gunter laughed even more boisterously than before. “Now, now! You don’t have to be like that around everyone! Especially not around this guy, correct?”

“Nah, not at all. It’s very good to meet you too, Miss Charnoa!” He grinned at her in as friendly a way he could manage, noting that she seemed a bit uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry… uhm… my name is Arylett. You can call me that for.. less formality,”

“You can call me Lunaris then. Don’t worry, Arylett! I’ll be sure you’re all fluffy and wingy before you can say ‘squidwaffle’!” He responded to her cheerfully. She merely gave him a strange look, blushing rather red. It looked like she was trying not to laugh.

“Well, looks like you two are going to get along wonderfully! Let’s go get you briefed,” Smiling, he led the pair of them further down the old halls. In that time, Lunaris thought he should probably get to know this girl he’d be working with for probably quite a long time.

“So Arylett… what do you like to do?”

“I like to research Psyche through the use of runes,” She stated quite plainly.

“Sounds pretty cool! I’m not really too good at Psyche myself… more of an Impulse guy, really,”

“Impulse… I’m not very good at that,” Arylett sounded somewhat disappointed.

“That’s okay! I’m good enough for the both of us,”

“Well, that’s good,”

Obviously, she wasn’t the best conversationalist, so he tried pursuing a different route. “I don’t know much about runes. We don’t study them much at the Bloodstone Supermarket. At least, not in the machines division,”

“Bloodstone Supermarket? You work there?”

“Yup. It kind of sucks, so that’s why I’m here trying to become a Valstaen too. That and so I won’t look like the only weirdo with a rock stuck in his chest,” Lunaris stated, as Arylett gave him that same odd look in response.

“Sorry to stop your kids’ fun, but we’ve arrived,” Dr. Gunter interjected. The three of them entered through a particularly shoddy-looking blue door, where they were given a particularly long explanation of what was to come… Lunaris drank it all in. He was to protect this girl even if it meant his life. Other than that, it was more of what he already knew. Soon, he’d have to leave home… to face his father and tell him he’d be starting up his mad quest again.

When they walked out…

“Pah! So boring it made your head spin. All these formalities…” Dr. Gunter shook his head.

“This mission is very important,” Arylett responded seriously. She had been carrying a small computerlike device with her, which she was still inputing notes about what had been said during the briefing. Lunaris chuckled at her diligence.

“I think I’ve got that drilled in my head now. Couldn’t be any more drilled even if you grabbed one made of knowledge and poked a hole into my brain,”

She shook her head in a way that suggested she was half-exasperated, half amused.

“Let’s get going,” The young woman responded as she closed up her computer and began walking up ahead.

“See? Didn’t I tell you? It’s gonna be interesting with you two, eh?”

“Probably,” responded Lunaris, as he followed his new charge down the spiraling hallways. She seemed to have started going down the completely wrong path from where they had been instructed to go. But he would teach the right way to go, as he would many things in time.

starseed galaxy auticorn March 31st, 2016 11:23 AM

It's been a while since I've posted my writing here. This is a story I'm writing to hopefully promote some Autism Awareness. It happens to be coming up in April, and I want to show a side of autism that people aren't seeing.

Here's more information on the story if you are interested. ^w^ I provided a lot of resources and notable autistic people in the summary part. So, that's why I'm sharing the place where the story is. Hope that's okay.

Spoiler:
Since mom had passed away, I would start living with my older brother and his very ignorant girlfriend as well. I hadn't seen my brother in years since he moved out, and I wasn't too sure about having to live with him either. It was a major change from what I was normally used to.

I stared blankly out the window as I rocked slowly back and forth. The scenery had been far different from what I remembered. It was hard for me to accept changes, but I remained calm from rocking myself though. Not long did I notice Emily, my brother's girlfriend, looking at me.

"So, what's wrong with her again?" she asked in a rather ignorant tone.

"She has autism," he told her with his eyes straight ahead. "It's a disorder that affects how her brain is wired. I don't know much about it, but I did grow up with her to be honest," he nodded until I felt like correcting him.

"I am autistic, not a person with autism," I said to them with a frown. "Would you say a person with awesomeness? Or a person with femaleness?" I asked them as they both shook their heads.

"What difference doesn't really make?" Emily scowled at me. "I don't get why you can't still be a person with autism. You can't be your disability because that makes no sense," she said, which was somewhat of a good point.

It was hard to comment or explain to her what was proper. Many people who weren't disabled or autistic always used person first language on us. This is what most of us refer to as ableism, and I found offensive to be called 'person with autism' as well.

"I think we should call her what she prefers," Nico, my older brother spoke.

"That's stupid," she sighed, still not seeing the whole point of it. "I'm calling her what I want to call her," she glared at me when I looked away from her. "I also don't know how you plan on caring for her either. Wouldn't it be better if the state sent her to one of those homes?" she asked him.

"No way! I would never do that to her," he said rather loudly. "She's my sister after all," he told her when she scoffed at him.

It wasn't long until we reached the three bedroom apartment of theirs. Nico unlocked the door and let me inside. He grabbed my bags then carried them to my new bedroom. It was the same way I remembered it from back home with mom. I plopped onto my bed while looking around at the empty shelves and dresser.

Nico started to help me unpack everything, but I was able to on my own. I proved to him I could do things myself. I guess you could say I was rather naive and not bothering to ask for any help.

It took sometime before I finished rearranging everything. My stuff had to be perfect, or at least the things I had so far. I didn't have much though, yet it was enough to please me. I felt rather satisfied with my new bedroom now, which hadn't seemed all that bad. I went out into the living room where I plopped onto the couch.

"Dinner will be ready soon," Emily replied to me.

I never bothered to ask what we were having that evening. I felt as though it might upset me if it was something I didn't like much. I just stared blankly at the TV with a sigh, hoping I could feed my growling stomach. I had always been somewhat of a picky eater, mostly due to constant sensory issues.

Everyone but me sat down at the table with their food. "Come over and eat with us," Emily said after waving me over there.

"Mom usually lets me eat in my room," I frowned and felt overwhelmed by this sudden change.

"Oh, we have a rule that everyone eats at the table," she told me rather firmly. "You have to learn to follow our rules," she said while nodding.

It wasn't long until I began screaming, covering my ears and rocking myself. I didn't like changes in my routine, finding newer ones harder to adjust to. I continued to meltdown heavily, realizing things were going beyond control.

"Your tantrums aren't going to help you," she said to me, which made it worse. "You better start acting your damn age," she huffed angrily at me.

I knew she would never be able to understand my actions. This was just more proof of what an awful person she was too. I hoped my brother would be able to see she wasn't interested in raising me.

"There's nothing wrong with her eating in her room. Autistics need to have sameness in their everyday routine," he told Emily.

"Are you seriously giving into her tantrum?" she asked him as he sighed. "She has to follow my rules if she's living under our roof," she insisted, even though my meltdown never stopped.

"Emily, you can't just expect her to abide by your rules. She has her own rules she needs to be aware of before anything else," he explained to her. "Why force her into a situation she's not even used to?" he asked her when she scoffed in disgust.

I still didn't stop, despite the situation being resolved. I had lost all control, and I needed help getting back to reality. I didn't really think my brother knew what to really do though. I still avoided eye contact while I kept on rocking and screaming rather loudly. It wasn't long until I tired myself out and went to my room with my plate of food.

After I finished eating, I brought everything out and set it on the counter then. I wasn't too sure whether I liked Emily's crazy rules, especially when she misunderstood me nearly all the time.

How am I supposed to live in a new place like this? There's no way I could adjust to the things she expected me to. My mind couldn't function the way she was thinking. It didn't matter what my brother told her because she didn't seem to listen at all.


I hope you enjoy it. :S I know it's not the best... but I've been working a lot harder than I used to when it comes to writing.

FangTheQuilava April 22nd, 2016 10:30 AM

I guess I'll post what I have of chapter 2 here... So.. yeah.

Chapter 2: The Bad Side of the Caves

“We’re packing up, Green..” Fang said as she stuffed the Toolbox with berries, Elixirs, and Blast Seeds. “I can’t do this…” Green looked at her, distressed. “Why can’t you do it, Fang?” He asked, kneeling in front of her. “I’m tired of this, Green. I can’t take it. I don’t know if I’m good for the team anymore…” She said. Green then punched her in the stomach. “Stop talking like that!!!” He screamed. “Wasn’t it you who told me not to lose my faith in you?! Wasn’t it you who dragged me through the canyon to try to find out the truth about your past?! Wasn’t it you who even had faith in me, no matter what?! Wasn’t it you who even said we’ll never know until we found the truth?! Well?!” Fang stood up and walked up to him, but he continued yelling, “I don’t think you’re like yourself anymore, Fang! I can’t go on like this if you’re gonna give up this easily! This isn’t what I wanted for us!” He soon joined hands with hers and calmed down, starting to cry. “I just wanted for the both of us to be happy, Fang. This is the exact opposite.” He said in the midst of his tears. Fang, realizing her mistakes, hugged Green. “I… I’m sorry, Green… I shouldn’t have said that…” She said. As she burrowed her face into Green’s chest, she began to glow, and she soon began to change.
Green stepped back, surprised. He didn’t expect her to evolve just now. But it was exactly what she needed. After transforming, she looked at herself, and was surprised. “D-Did I finally evolve?” She asked. But her realization came from Green, who was giving her a warm smile. “Yeah. Now, this new strength of yours should do well… I talked with Alakazam, and he told us that we’re gonna have to run off someday…” He said. “I guess he meant today.” Fang nodded, and looked out the door. Thankfully, no one had spotted her, but Caterpie was there. “Fang..? Green?” She asked. Fang let her inside. Fang then had a long talk with Caterpie.
“Caterpie… I want you to listen to me. Tell the people who believe in me that I’m going to find out who I really am… So I can see if I am the human from the Ninetales Legend. Is that ok?” She asked, tears in her eyes.
“But… Fang… We… I…” Caterpie was speechless.
“I’ll be back. I promise.” Fang soon hugged Caterpie. “Consider this your first mission as a member of our team.”

Caterpie was excited. In a flash, Caterpie ran off, leaving Fang surprised. “She is fast…” she said. “But… We’re gonna have to be fast too, Green.” She smiled and offered her hand to him. “Do you want to run with me, Green?” In response, Green laid his hand on the palm of her hand and nodded. “Of course.” He said. “It’s like what you said one time. I can’t do without you. And you can’t do without me. That’s our rescue team motto, is it not?” He smiled. Fang giggled and hugged him. “Let’s just go already… I can smell the angry mob from here.” She said. With that… they ran off. Pursuers, however, spotted them, and gave chase without them knowing.

After what seemed like hours, Fang and Green had conquered every fissure, fire, and flood that was in their way. After the time they ran, they finally reached a cave, panting heavily. “D-Do you think they chased us?” Green asked, wiping the sweat from his hair. Fang nodded. “Probably. I mean, we are the most wanted people in the world. Besides… they think I’m the human from the legend, Green.” Fang said, smiling. “There they are! Attack!” Shiftry said, surprising Green. “Shoot! We’ve gotta get in there, Fang!” He said, pulling her into the cave, running as fast as he possibly could. “Oh, Arceus!!!” Fang screamed, not expecting this. Green soon slowed down and let her go.
“I’m sorry, Fang, but this is the only way we can go now.” He said.
“It’s not that, Green… you scared the living crap out of me.” Fang responded, laughing with an embarassed look on her face.
“Oh, I see how it is. You’re lucky I don’t have the mask.” Green smirked.
“I swear to Arceus, Green, I’m gonna hit you if you ever mention that mask again.”
“I’m only kidding, Fang.”
“Sure, you are.”
“Oh, so now you’re being sarcastic?”
“Maybe I am. What’re you gonna do about it?”
Green smirked. “I know exactly what I’m gonna do about it!” He said as he pulled Fang in and gave her a long noogie. Fang laughed and pretended to struggle, and soon, he let her go.

“Ok, you got me there.” Fang said. “But seriously, I hate that mask, Green.” They sighed and stood up, beginning to walk. “So, Fang. What do you think is gonna be on the other side of this cave?” Green asked. Fang shrugged. “I don’t know, Green. I can’t really predict the future. But what I do know… Is that we’re still gonna have to keep going. Until we find the truth.” Green nodded, and was suddenly blown away by a powerful gust of wind. Fang turned to see Shiftry and his team. “Shiftry… I don’t wanna have to do this, dude…” Fang said. Shiftry hesitated, but then he said, “Well, that’s too bad, punk. You’re a wanted woman with your best friend. Face it, you’re gonna die.”

Earth Traveler May 3rd, 2016 11:52 AM

Time to shamelessly plug/tease the next chapter of my fanfic, entitled "The Adventures of Josh":

Excerpt of Chapter 3

So I began the long walk back to Olivine. It was definitely easier going downhill than it had been coming up, and Olivine was in sight practically from the very beginning of my journey due to the plateau’s height.

The only good thing in sight, I thought as I tried to avoid slipping and sliding all the way down the steep cliff road.

That was another thing. Some of the ridges were too high to jump down, so I had to climb down them, being careful not to fall and break a leg and become Raticate food by nighttime. After climbing down one particularly tall ridge, I decided to take a break, feet hanging off the next ridge I had to climb down. As I sucked one of the ice cream lollipops the farmer had given me, I gazed down upon Olivine and its magnificent lighthouse and port, the beautiful white ships, the bright sunshine glowing down on everything… the whole scene made me feel kinda like a little kid without a care in the world. The last time I’d feel anything close to that for a long time.

0bs1d1ankn1ght May 3rd, 2016 7:55 PM

I feel that my story needs more love

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=360025

Please feel free to comment on my story.

KetsuekiR May 7th, 2016 10:51 PM

I wrote a thing, that I might expand on and publish in its own thread, that I might update reguarlarly. xD Anyways, here it is;

Spoiler:
The year started out as it always does, with the customary celebrations of the village and the excessive feasts and dancing. A new chief had been selected too, the old one stepping down, leaving behind a legacy of development and adored leadership. He was too old, and hadn't long left to live anyway. The first female chief in a hundred and fifty years had taken over, and the people loved her. A mother to all, she was sometimes called. Ah, I wonder how they're doing?

Once the celebrations had died out over the weeks, the farmers readied for the harvests and the miners for work, before the next six months of winter rolled around. The village was well known for exporting Fernium, a metal used to craft the armories of most human kingdoms, and we flourished for it. All those with able bodies mined for hours a day, and only those who could not took to farming.

It must be two weeks into winter now, and the mines have probably closed, if not by men then by snow. It's always the coldest at the start, and the northern winds never helped survive the long, slow bitterness.

We loved summer as much as we hated winter, maybe even more. Summer was the time of genuine smiles and mirthful greetings, colourful flowers and prettier birds, warming sunshine and cool rivers, uplifting mornings and merry afternoons, for most, but not me. At least, not anymore. And it was on such a summer day that I left, looking back only to promise to return, injured if not alive.

A messenger, as he had called himself, rode into the village on an extraordinary horse, both tall and muscular. He slid off the saddle, adorned with weapons and the royal crest, and demanded that the villagers be gathered up, which, on a Sunday, was no easy feat, and when they were, he made an announcement.

A single child was to be selected, between the ages of sixteen and twenty, to meet with the High King, in the south west. He used the word champion, adorning his request whith prestige and honour. And I broke, and I stepped forward, tired of the cycles of the same agony and the same happiness. I was told to begin my journey a week from then, and then the messenger was gone.

The King was known to call upon villagers often, to join the ranks of his Knights and soldiers and to most, and me, this seemed the same, and against the wishes of many, incluing my mother, the new chief, I prepared for the journey. A farmer, a friend as long as I can remember, lent me a horse, with a smile and a pat on the back for good luck and once I made my peace with my mother, and I thanked her, I left, looking ahead across the plain.

And so, here I am now, riding out towards the south, the Sun rising beside me, to the High King, and to Erethgar.


killer-curry May 8th, 2016 12:20 AM

Here's a short story about "Narrow Escape"

Spoiler:
“ Narrow Escape”
I remembered it happened in 1960’s but it still fresh in my mind. The Burmese army took over the government. People tried to fight for freedom but they failed. The army aggressively attacked the public, took away females and children, killed people who against them. The females were made prostitutes and children were forced to become young soldiers. People lived in fear as they would know that their lives were in danger.
Therefore, I volunteered myself to assist these people to fight their fear and give them a good aid of life. With my friends Macro, Tense and Abu, we departed to Burma from London, United Kingdom. When we arrived there, I saw military armies guarding the airport and they were fully geared. They looked fierce and behaved rudely. We showed out passports and our permission to visit the country to them. They allowed us to go and we took a taxi ride to the north region.
Before we left, the armies told us that our lives were not guaranteed in the outskirts.
___________________________________________________________________
We took about 5 days by taxi ride, bus, boat and lastly walking. We reached a remote village where refugees were. The village was protected by the rebels of the Burmese army. The young kids were recruited voluntary as small scouting troops. They did so because they wanted to protect their family.
The people lived in a very harsh condition. The food was hard to get from towns as it was so remote and deep in the jungle, so they either planted themselves or went to hunt in the jungle. Health issue was the big thing for the villagers as there were no medical supplies available for treating illness so they fell sick and could not recover properly. Some of them even died. Without hesitation, we quickly lend our hands to them.
Macro and Tense gathered the ill villagers for medical checkups and provided any possible treatments for them. They were professional doctors. Abu interacted with the rebels and helped to train them. He was an elite soldier in World War Two. I was a teacher and responsible to help the villagers to gain faith for their God so they would think positively and be more determined to survive through this condition.
While my friends and I were gathering around with villagers for some singing performances, suddenly a house next to us exploded. It was a mortar attack. We quickly ran with the villagers to the deep bushes for safety. The Burmese army had found the village location and planned an ambush.
They pulled out their rifles and sprayed the bullets to the villagers. The unfortunate ones were shot to death. Houses were burned and rice fields were destroyed. Some of the villagers lost their limbs from the impact of mortar attacks.
We thought we could run away safely but not we were wrong. The rebels lead us through the thick forest floor and suddenly the armies popped out in front of us and threatened us to halt. We did not dare to move even a single muscle as they aimed their weapons to our heads. We were handicapped and thrown into a truck. Although we tried very hard to escape but the army knocked us down and became unconscious.
___________________________________________________________________
When I was awake, I realized that I was locked in a cage but with animals around. The smell was like awful molded cheese. When I looked up, I saw two men were guarding the cage. I knew that we became hostages. Soon, these men brought me into a room. I saw my friends were in the room too and their mouths were closed with a tape.
After a while, a commander came out and stared at us with cunning eyes. He said that who supported the rebels would be executed. However, since we were foreigners he offered us a spare life if we could collect a million pounds.
What a million pounds? I would work for 10 years tirelessly to get that enormous of cash. Back to the story, so Abu was the first to disagree. He said that we were not going out just to pay him the money so he could be filthy rich and continued killing more innocent people.
The commander was irritated and pulled out his pistol and shot Abu’s leg. Abu screamed painfully but the mean commander made his pain even worse. He grabbed a pot of hot water and poured on his wound. We could not do anything but just looked at Abu’s misery. Then, the commander ordered the two soldiers to bring us to a special room so he could execute us all.
In the dark room, we could barely see each other and our hands were chained together. Although Abu was in terrible pain, he was still able to be stay conscious and this proved that he had a true soldier spirit to continue surviving. Tense was in afraid and she wanted to get out from here because she did not want to stay here anymore. Everyone was down and had no idea what to do next. Suddenly, Macro came up with an idea.
___________________________________________________________________
Macro begged to the soldiers that he needed to pee. They were so easy to trust him and brought gim out from the room and let him pee at the bushes nearby. Macro quickly stole their keys when they were not aware and quickly threw the keys to me. I quickly unlocked the key chain and helped the rest to get out. Macro knocked out the soldiers and took their weapons. We ran as fast as possible before someone else found us.
Abu could see the armies were having fun with the prostitutes so we would have a good chance to escape. Along the way, we saw a lot of people were locked in the cage and were begging to get out. We quickly released them and lead them to escape.
We thought it was over but the armies had found us escaping. The commander became furious and ordered to deploy trucks and armies to search and kill us. We hear a loud alarm sound from far distance and we tried to run as fast as we could. However, we ran to a dead end cliff with no other way to head on. Abu saw a small narrow wooden bridge and told us to cross it. The bridge was partially damaged and lots of wood planks were fragile so we tried to cross it carefully.
When we successfully crossed the bridge, we heard someone shouting. It was the armies. Gunshots were fired from them and we were running very fast. Some of us were hit and were unable to move further. We panicked but we tried to find a way to get out. However, the armies eventually stopped us and brought us to the commander.
___________________________________________________________________
We were brought back to the military base. All the armies were equipped with weapons. We really had no way to escape anymore. The commander took out his pistol and pointed to Abu’s head. Commander asked him for his final words but Abu said that he did want to die from the evil and dirty commander. The commander became angry and pulled the trigger.
“Click!” The pistol was jammed. The commander threw away the pistol and used his small knife to cut Abu’s throat. Abu closed his eyes calmly, seemingly waiting for his death.
Just when the commander swung his knife, a loud explosion surprised all of us. Guns were fired from any direction and pinned the armies down. It was the rebels. The commander was panicking and tried to run but Abu quickly pushed him down and handicapped him.
The commander surrendered and the rebels decided to put him inside the jail until his death. We were saved by the rebels and we were grateful for them. The rebels thanked us for helping them so that they could live on.
__________________________________________________________________
After a few years, the Myanmar government was replaced by a new form of government and the army forces became weaker and weaker. The people in the country became united and they were deserved to gain their freedom. We were still helping them after the incident. Although we are old, our memories are still fresh about the narrow escape which was terrifying until now.
The end.


and here is another recent story that I made for a while, still ongoing so I welcome for any feedback.

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=368394

YellowSwagMaster420 July 5th, 2016 7:14 AM

I have written and posted oneshots on Pokecommunity and I would like feedback regarding well... Anything you think needs commenting about! No one ever comments on my stories and I just really want feedback!

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=371885 I suggest you read Save Fail before We All Go Down Together

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=371897 We All Go Down Together

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=371886 These are a few drabbles I did. They contain Ash X Clemont and Serena X Clemont. They're G-rated and very very one-sided.

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=371410 An ongoing fic that I have posted but I haven't gotten any chapters up lately because again, no one's giving me feedback D :

TurtleKing July 9th, 2016 6:57 PM

Oh wow...

I haven't posted here in quite some time. I may be cooking something up for a return here, I don't know. Just depends on how I feel. For those of you who don't know, I've written a few fics here and there. Though my writing has gotten significantly better, I am most satisfied with my first piece of work:

Poke Special Manga: DP

Brief synopsis of why I started writing the above... I was unsatisfied with the direction of the Diamond/Pearl/Platinum installment of the Pokemon Adventures manga and decided to put my own spin on it. In a nutshell, it's a shameless journey fic that was SO fun to write. I enjoyed the pacing and short-ish length of the chapters.

Needless to say, I hope to get back in the realm of writing a Pokemon fic just as fast-paced and action filled as my first fic. I've got some ideas floating around in my head, but I'm gonna have to hash some things out.

In the meantime, I look forward to lurking some of the fics that have been posted here and in the main forum.

~TK

YellowSwagMaster420 July 26th, 2016 3:19 PM

A very long oneshot that explains the story about Giovanni and Lance's relationship. Giovanni is trans in this story, and their son is Ash. WHY I wrote this - is because I'm trans, and my brother-in-law is trans. I don't normally write things like this because I'm afraid people will be 'offended' but now I just said screw it, I really wanted to write this to educate people on dysphoria, what its like dealing with it, etc.

Its not even halfway done yet. But I'd like feedback on it. Why I thought of this ship was out of a pure crack moment, and plus I was always into Giovanni/Delia, and I wanted Giovanni to be trans, so I just went with this. Though its not a fetish of any kind, its just something I added for drama and realism. Giovanni's mother is Madame Boss (in the cannon) so he's had high expectations as a kid - or so I assumed. Imagine if he was trans? I just took a simple question and turned it into a fanfic. It's no different from genderbending a character, really.

So I hope you enjoy this. (I really tried my best, and this is just the first draft, and its unfinished so please be gentle when commenting ^^ )

Spoiler:
Giovanni Rocketto was like a perfectly cut diamond.

He was refined, fashionable, he had exquisite taste and was adored by many women. He liked fancy, shiny things the best. He craved power, but was an intelligent being who analyzed things in a sophisticated manner and knew not to divulge into too much at once. Giovanni was truly a rarity. Something that you can’t find in a million years.

And that’s why most of the grunts at Team Rocket wondered why he was single, by now he should’ve chosen a girlfriend of some sort or settled down secretively… There was always some sort of gossip going on with the younger members of Team Rocket. But, as for the higher executives, the much more trustworthy members, they were the ones who really knew of his relationships.

Though his real, first love no one knew about.

When Giovanni was sixteen, he had decided that it was time to make a decision about the empire his mother had wished he was to take over one day. Which, of course he didn’t want to take over her company, he wanted this own where he could control everything at once. He wasn’t going to let her control him like a puppet, helplessly dangling at the sidelines like he had been for sixteen years.

It was his time to move, now or never.

Once he had gotten a few ‘friends’ so he had told his mother – though she didn’t believe him one bit (mother knows best). They made their way to Viridian City. There, they were trying to see what territory they could claim. Currently, it was being patrolled by a rookie gang called The Shadow Stars. “What a dumb name.” Giovanni rolled his eyes.

“Marcie, are there any warehouses available for us to takeover?” Their Pokémon were rather weak, they had to catch them on their own with no help from his family. Giovanni knew though within time they’d be strong.

“Not that I’m seeing, looks like we’ll be out here awhile…” Marcie was an old friend of Giovanni’s from high school. She had graduated from the same class as him and choose a Pokémon from Professor Oak’s lab from Pallet Town, where she was born and raised. It just so happened they had gone to high school in Viridian City as she was accepted via-scholarship.

Giovanni’s family wasn’t going to let him accept his Pokémon from a dinky little peasant town like Pallet. Instead, they choose their own Pokémon for him and he got a Charmander, now evolved into a Charmelon, they stood a fair chance on their own. Giovanni also had caught a Meowth which was digging around for scraps in a back alleyway, the poor thing was pathetic and he felt sorry for it so he gave it a chance to test itself with Team Rocket.

“Where are Dalton and Jace?” Hurried footsteps came from behind Giovanni, there was a bit of a scuffle going on a few blocks back.

“Come back here thieves!”

Great. Now they had to run. “Let’s go- “Giovanni grabbed Marcie’s wrist and began to run. “You idiots,” Dalton and Jace finally caught up, laughing as they held bags of what seemed to be food and Pokémon supplies. “What did you do?!”

“Robbed the place.” His eyes went wide. “What? We don’t have the cash for jack ****!” Dalton turned the corner. “In here!” Giovanni and the others soon followed. Dalton had taken the pleasure of sitting on the ground – not looking into his leader’s eyes. “Man, I thought we were goners!”

“I wish I could fire you…” Giovanni had bent down, panting, he had grabbed at his chest instinctively, mindful of his binder, he sat down on the ground and took a breath. “What did you grab?”

“Some potions, antidotes, paralyze heals,” Dalton tossed that bag aside. “But the really good stuff is here – food!” Not just food for them but Pokémon food. “I grabbed as much as I could and just dashed out there – “

“Like a Jolteon who drank ten cups of coffee,” Jace laughed, ruffling his hair. He was a transgender boy who had yet paid for surgery or had any money for hormones. He had a done a terrible job of hiding the fact he was a boy, but Giovanni had lent him one of his binders and hoped it would help.

“I’m afraid you’ll have to return that.” Footsteps revealed a teenage boy wearing a cloak stepping further into view.
“Ha! We stole them fair and square! How do you think you’ll stop us!” Dalton stood up – clutching his fist.

“We could just run away.” Giovanni got up. “Why don’t we act like adults though,” He smiled at the boy with striking red hair and – what was that – a superhero cape? “Mr. Hero?”

“Guys,” Marcie’s eyes widened. “That’s Lance! Lance Draco from the Indigo Elite Four!” They all gaped.

“What?!” The boy – a mere teenager – about their age. About, who knows, sixteen or eighteen or so was an Elite Four Champion?

Lance smiled, rubbing the back of his head. “Wow! A fan!” Their eyes widened as the boy just smiled the biggest, dorkiest grin like they had said the most trivial information about him ever. “But seriously I need you to give those back…”

“Why should we?” Dalton said, nervously gripping the bag, a curious look appeared on Lance’s face.

It was as if they had just asked him a really stupid question. So the boy rubbed his chin and paused for a moment. “Cause… It’s the right thing to do?”

There was a moment of silence. The answer was stupidly simple. But they weren’t good guys! They were a gang! The freaking mafia! There’s reason for them to return – “Alright. Good enough reason.”

Dalton, Marcie and Jace’s eyes widened at their leader. “We’ll return the items we stole.” Lance’s eyes went wide like a child receiving a toy on Christmas. That grin… “In return you give us cover to escape. We are the bad guys; we don’t want to get caught.”

“But if you return them they won’t arrest you, besides I’m the champion, they’ll understand if you’re with me.” Lance waved a hand to the suspecting teens. “Come on.”

True to his word, the shopkeep didn’t call the authorities when they returned the stolen items. “I guess it pays to be a champion,” It was more of a rhetorical statement, but Lance smiled as they walked together (why was he still following them?).
“Yeah. I got this huge beach house in Cerulean,”

“Damn” Jace whistled. One day, when Team Rocket’s big they’ll have digs like that.

“Hey. Wanna come?” The group stopped. “You guys are homeless, right? So you can stay there. It’s actually my parent’s but… They’re in Kalos for the summer visiting family, so you can just hang out there if you want.”

They all stared at him, blank-faced.

“You do realize your aiding criminals, right?” Giovanni continued to give a blank face for a moment. But Lance just grinned, rubbing underneath his nose.

“But you returned the items, so…”

“Beach house sounds nice,”
“I could take a bath!”
“The Pokémon can eat – and so can we.”

Lance looked at Giovanni with the brightest blue eyes he’d ever seen. He flushed a bit after staring for too long (damn hormones). “The others are into it, what do you say?”

“Alright, fine.” They all cheered. After all, what kind of leader would he be if he didn’t look out for his grunts?

OuO

It took them two days of travelling to get to Cerulean. But by the time they got there, they were finally met by an extravagant, large beach house that was more like a mansion by the sea if anything. Giovanni would be lying if he said he was astounded by all the little details that had been put into the home.

From the gardens to the furnishings in the home, it was truly a sight to behold. “And this,” Lance lead Giovanni through the large double-doors where they were met by a giant indoor arena. “Is my favorite place in the whole house.”

It wasn’t just an arena; it was a stadium. There were bleachers you could sit on to watch people fight and a giant electric billboard was against the middle of the wall to take score of the trainer’s Pokémon stats. It was truly beautiful.

Outside, there was a deck that was a pool, another arena for water-type battles. Giovani raised a brow. “You have water Pokémon?”

Lance smiled. “I have all kinds. They’re currently in Kalos with family, there is one here though that I use for transportation.” Lance whistled and a large gust of wind kicked up – suddenly a giant dragon came their way. Giovanni’s eyes widened. “Hey Dragonite! How ya doin?”

Dragonite landed onto the deck with a roar. Giovanni braced himself for the power that was the beast. But, soon it gently bent down and let its master pet it. Never had he seen something so masterful be so graceful at the same time.

“What was that noise?” Dalton rushed out to see the cause of the commotion and was surprised by the giant dragon’s appearance. “Whoa – is that the Dragonite that helped you beat the Elite Four?”

Lance let the giant nuzzle him like it was a baby. “Yup! Hey – that tickles! You missed me huh?” Dragonite’s nostrils flared. “Alright, I’ll feed you now. I know no one’s here so it’s boring huh.”

Giovanni blinked. “Literally no one’s here?”

Lance rubbed Dragonite’s neck one last time before heading inside. “Nope. Just me. But I’m fine. It’s too much trouble to take care of this place so it’s easier with just me and Dragonite coming and going.” Simple logic, but easy to understand.

When Lance returned he had a giant bowl the size of two Meowths and handed them to Dragonite. “It’s so calm.” Dalton was amazed at how well-behaved the gentle giant was. “Whoa!” After it was finished devouring its meal it flapped its wings and took off “Where’s it going?”

Lance shrugged. “Wherever it wants. We own a lot of land out here so I just let Dragonite roam around, so long as it doesn’t get into trouble.”

Lance was so carefree and trusting of his Pokémon. Giovanni knew that from his experience with Pokémon that it wasn’t so easy to gain trust and also with humans it was even harder. He rarely had any friends as a child, and only got to experience the joys of Pokémon one-on-one during his teenage years. His mother wouldn’t allow him to slack off when he could’ve been learning things about his ‘future company’.

But with Lance… He just had a special way with Pokémon that was so different from what he had seen before. Giovanni couldn’t help but think maybe he was something special… Something… Different…

They were soon lead into the dining room and all the humans got to eat a meal, prepared by Lance. It was incredible, almost like eating a restaurant. He was clearly experienced at taking care of himself.

“Dude! This is amazing. It’s like, restaurant food.” Dalton continued scarfing down his pasta Giovanni had awkwardly sat himself across from the champion. “Where’d you learn to cook like this?”

“My mom, she’s amazing. Before we got lots of money she used to cook all the time,” He continued to slurp up his scampi.

“Glad you like it.”

“Man! If only I could eat like this every day! Jace mused now too full eat anymore. Marcie giggled taking a breadstick and dipping it into her pasta sauce. “If I could take a shower every day.”

“Don’t get too comfortable,” Giovanni huffed. “We have to claim our territory in Kanto, we still have a mission, remember.”

They all groaned. “I knew this would make you spoiled.”

“But boss,” Jace nudged his shoulder. “You’re used to this stuff.”

Lance looked over at the gangster with a strange look. He thought Giovanni was just some runaway punk…? “Huh?”

“It’s true I am,” He sighed. “My family’s wealthy, my mother originally wanted me to take over the company she had created, but I did want any of that. I don’t want to become a puppet for her like I have been for the past sixteen years.” Silence befell them as the Rocket leader picked at his food. Awkward… “But – now I’m finally free. And I can make my own future.”

“By becoming a criminal,” Lance mumbled.

“By becoming something great.” Giovanni’s stare darkened. “Besides, your harboring criminals.”

“You’re not a criminal yet. You’re just on the path to being one.” This was wiser than their previous conversations. “Think clearly about what you become. Because once you made a decision it’s all over,”

“Oh, I have. I thought long and hard.” Giovanni’s glare made the whole room feel tense. A strange aura emitted from the teen that Lance swore he felt before… But he didn’t know where.

“Well, it’s your choice then.” He shrugged and stood up. “I’m beat. I’m heading to bed. You guys help yourselves.”
With a wave of his hand and a yawn, no one else saw Lance for the rest of the night.

OoO

“Come in,” Giovanni wasn’t sure if he should have said that, but when a red-hair champion came into his bedroom (Lance’s guest room, his temporarily) dressed in a plush black robe, he flushed instantly. “W-what are you doing here?” He had made use of those robes, in fact he was wearing one right now. But he had yet to hide all of his womanly frills…

“Just wanting to make sure if you were okay,” Lance didn’t notice the binder that was sprawled out on the floor yet. Instead, he raised a brow at Giovanni. “You okay?”

“I-I’m fine.” He looked down at his Meowth who was sleeping in his lap currently. Nudged it, and it meowed and fell on the floor. “O-oops. I didn’t mean to do that…”

“Hey little guy,” Lance bent down and held out a hand for Meowth to smell. Charmelon was occupying itself by the balcony which doors were closed by the curtains were open. It was curled up and the moonlight was shining on the fire-lizard. “Wow you’re really friendly, huh?”

Meowth graciously accepted the pets that his owner was now neglecting him from.

Giovanni’s anxiety rose higher as Lance stayed. He didn’t want him to find out about his binder but – he couldn’t say anything to him now. So… he was completely stuck. ****. When Lance stood up from petting the Meowth, he noticed something at the corner of his eye.

“Huh?” ****! “What’s that?” Both of their eyes glanced over to the skin-colored object that laid open on the ground.

Giovanni flushed a crimson scarlet. He stood up and hurried to get it out of Lance’s sight. “It-its.” He was nearly hyperventilating now. He didn’t know how to explain that he was a ****ing *** and that he was gay and that he liked guys. Not that he liked Lance. Or did he? Oh ****.

“Giovanni calm down, it’s okay. I know what it is,” Giovanni felt like he was about to collapse. It was… okay? Lance was okay with it? “You know this is a binder, right?”

“Yes…?”
“And that – that means I’m trans. Right?”
“Yes…? So?”

Giovanni was floored. He didn’t know if he should break down and cry or jump for joy. He didn’t know if he wanted to punch Lance or kiss him – so many hormones. Not enough time!

“And. You’re okay with that?” Giovanni’s face was as red as a Pokeball when Lance laughed.
“Yes!”

Giovanni leaned in and punched Lance right in the gut. He toppled over. “I can’t believe you.” He sat on the floor, giving the gangster strange looks. “Why are you so simpleminded? How can you be so carefree? I’ve lived my who live with people giving me ****, with people thinking that I should be the best. They’ve had nothing but high expectations of me and in the end I failed them.” He was ranting, but it was worth it.

Lance was a moron.

Lance smiled regardless. “Not everyone’s the same.” Meowth still was being petted. “And your Pokémon certainly don’t seem to mind.”

Giovanni started at that. But in the end he came up with nothing. It was true. Whenever life got him down Pokémon were always there for him, he would secretly run off and try to be with Pokémon whenever he could for comfort. That little girl that always was seen as a delinquent in his mother’s eyes was truly just someone who was trying to get away from all the chaos and hate.

….. He was a man. And his Pokémon accepted it. He always thought they were simpleminded fools, and there could never be a human just like that. But here he was presented with Lance and he was denying himself of his acceptance. How stupid could he be?

Meowth crawled over and rubbed itself up against Giovanni’s leg. He smiled and bent down to pet it. “I’m pretty foolish, aren’t I?” Meowth purred and jumped up on the bed. “I apologize.”

Lance blinked. “I don’t judge a person off of things like that,” Lance stood up looking towards the balcony. “But you’re still heading in the wrong path – I still say think long and hard about what you want to do.” This again. What was he his father?
…. They stood in silence for a moment, until Lance got an idea. “Go out with me tomorrow.”

As in… “A date?”

“Yeah!” Lance twirled for a second. “A date! It’ll be fun. There are great restaurants around here. Why not?” But – was he? Though at this point did it really matter? “My treat.” And just like that, a wave of his hand he was gone. “See ya tomorrow.”

“Wait- “The door slammed shut, only earning a perplexed look from Meowth. “Stubborn fool…” Giovanni sighed, flopping backwards onto the bed and feeling his chest. An instant flush overcame him as he felt his breasts. What was he trying to pull?

0o0
“The boss is going out on a date – with the champion?” Dalton asked, shocked. They were all hanging out by the beach the next morning. They had no idea they would be left alone for the whole day. “What are we supposed to do?”

Marcie shrugged. “Hang out here I guess. We’ve got a whole beach house to explore.” She eyed her Pokémon. Her team only consisted of three at the moment. A Wartortle named Hex, a Pidgeotto named Justice, and a Pikachu named Bolt. “The Pokémon are enjoying it. I’m in no rush to leave.”

Jace had two Pokémon. A Venomoth named Ivy and a Kadabra named Jarvis. He caught them when they were fairly young, they were currently recognized as the strongest, being the only ones that could pull off psychic attacks. As for Dalton, he had a Haunter. It liked to play tricks on people henceforth why he stole those items so easily. Its name was Gaster and it was his only Pokémon for now.

‘Physic can’t affect Ghost,’ Gaster sneered at Jarvis, getting closer in his face. ‘This battle is useless. You might as well give up now.’

‘I’m known as the strongest in Team Rocket! How dare you mock me, ghost!’ The bipedal creature readied its spoons for an attack. ‘This is why I hate Ghost Types…’ It snarled. Meanwhile Hex noticed the commotion from where it was swimming and came over to investigate.

‘What’s going on?’ Hex came running over. ‘Don’t tell me you two are fighting again.’

Gaster laughed. ‘We’re just having a slight disagreement.’ He hooted out another laugh, making the Kadabra blush.

‘You bastard!’ Just then, Jarvis fired a Pysbeam at Gaster who allowed himself to get hit. ‘N-Nothing at all!’

Bolt and Justice were alerted to the scene along with the humans. “What’s going on?” Hex though was getting tired of Gaster’s high-and-mighty attitude. It reminded him of Meowth’s. One who he didn’t wish to deal with right now.

‘But water can affect you – ‘ So he fired a water gun straight at the creature, soaking him. ‘Ha!’ The humans gaped – were they playing or fighting? Or play-fighting? Hex wagged his tail and stuck out his tongue. ‘Come and catch me if you can, ghost!’

Gaster literally flushed. HE does the taunting! Not be taunted! He was the master of all things trickery! He was the prankster Pokémon! The humans laughed. “Looks like you better up your game, Gaster.”

The nerve of that Wartortle! He began chasing him until he was met face-to-face with the ocean.

‘Come on! What are you a Torchic?’

Gaster could just simply float over the water. But the thought of getting wet again bothered him too much. Still… This fight they were having – was his game. He wasn’t going to allow it. So he shrugged. ‘No thanks. I pass.’

He wasn’t going to be a fool in front of everyone.

Until Hex fired another water gun in his face, and now it was on. ‘Shadow Ball!’ Hex was struggling in the water. Good. Let him drown. He didn’t care. But as Marcie went in to go help Hex he sighed. Dalton looked at Gaster with a stink-eye. ‘What did I do? He started it!’

Though all came out were animalistic growls. Of course they couldn’t hear him. Why couldn’t Hex swim? He was a Wartortle for Arceus’ sake!

“Hex – your leg!” Oh. That’s why. He’d gotten his leg… “Let’s get you inside.” Oops. Marcie carried Hex on her back to the shore, only earning a glare from the turtle as they passed to get to the house. He messed up…

User19sq November 8th, 2016 1:44 PM

I guess I'll leave this here:

My work's a bit of a short, non-linear, slice-of-life fic whose universe-continuity is as least sensible as possible. Basically take Pokémon, but infuse a Lucky Star/Hetalia lax sort of nature, and place it all in the real world. While bizarre, there are explanations to all questions - just not the most sane of explanations. You can read from any chapter at all, with the order being pretty unimportant unless otherwise stated, and much of the missing details can be left to the readers' imagination.

Please leave some feedback. Here you go.

Tock(Tick) December 10th, 2016 7:11 PM

Seme Pawn (The Dragon Boy)
 
An extract from a story I'm writing...
Quote:

A worrier, a freak – jubilant.

A pact.

Her angle, his blank, and their line – fairground loud; his way and her hand; night in vibrant blur. A pause at the end of the wall; a spotter. Brush of the brick, a pull and hug, his collar unjust. Tongue-tied. Passer by to a stiff troupe; buoyant, black.
Any critique?

Bay December 10th, 2016 11:02 PM

To Tock Tick, decided to move that into the "share your writing" thread as a finished story/story with a finished chaptered are posted in the main section while excerpts can be posted in this thread.

As for the excerpt itself, I don't think I can say much as it's a very short excerpt, but to be honest I'm confused what's going on. I think it's because of the choppy sentences you have going there and the setting is too vague.

Sonata December 13th, 2016 9:38 AM

Just a couple of quotes from the reworking of dreams of a peasant that I've got jotted down. Still needs refining.

Spoiler:
"When man first planted his seed in the ground he created me, and when he planted his seed in the mother he created you. A child who had yet to learn how to walk began to run headlong in a world filled with nothing. A mother mourned, having lost her son and the last of her memories. She wept at my base praying to me, her own grandson and asked for any reprieve, anything to hold on to in this darkness. Her tears fell, and with the last of her magic she unknowingly created this pond. A gateway to her home, to other worlds. A mirror to see into your own self." - Oakfather

"Men and women from across our great world, with power of will so strong that they not only free themselves from the control of dyrian will but also begin to assert their own. Men and women who are much like you my child, roam this great planet, searching for those who would disavow the will of the long dead king. They search for those who would leave their entire lives behind, in order to create new ones for themselves as the four founders did so long ago. These men and women grow large in number, strong and powerful to the point of independence. They seek to establish themselves as their own cities, their own towns and their own capitals of a people free from the perceived tyranny of their own past. These men and women wager all that they have, hoping that they can create a new world for the people who they love and who love them, for their followers and any others out in the world who question what it is to be righteous, what it is to be a ruler. If these men and women were victorious in their plight and indeed did create their own lands to rule, perhaps then even those who are afraid of and who curse their destinies might finally be able to rise up and find worth in their lives.... however... that is not the way of this world, and the old king - Sen dyrian saw to that ages ago. By giving away his relics to those four founders, he gave them the power and thereby the right to rule, the ability and authority to create rules and law, to uphold their own justice and carry out their own trials and persecutions. It is from this single moment, that dyrian so did say that any who should defy him, or those who he had chosen to lead in his stead would fall to their blade. For there is no king or Queen, god, preacher, maester nor any other figure of authority who would wish or allow their wills to be trampled upon by such outcasts. And it is through this deed, that the creation of a new world, a peaceful kingdom united is is all but impossible. Any who wish to defy the four rulers of this current world will absolutely be sentenced to death, and no man nor woman would ever question it, regardless of if they believed that person's ideals to be just or not. Such is the law of the world in which we live. Now let me ask you child, what of you? You know now of the fate that awaits you, but you know that your destiny must be to travel this path regardless of its outcome. Your king has chosen you as his successor and passed on to you his power through your shared dreams. Even as one of the five kings of this world however, your quest is still tricky. You are but still one soul who wishes to do away with centuries of established rules and laws, to destroy the very fabric upon which all that the people who inhabit this world know. So what shall you do? Who can you talk to, and where can you go? You are alone, utterly and completely. Even if you were to raise an army you would still be outnumbered. Many have tried before you, and few have even managed to rouse their own peers. So tell me, what do you have to offer? What do you bring to the table? What is it that will make you different? What will make you successful in your plight?" The oakfather

EternalSushi December 22nd, 2016 4:54 PM

My older stories tended to be quite large in scale - which ultimately means that the long epics would never see an end.

Long Live the Prince! is exactly opposite - with only five planned chapters total, it's a Pokemon tale that doesn't take itself seriously through satire, but serious enough.

Synopsis: "Join the (mis)adventures of the narcissistic pokemon Decidius Virigreen - the first grandson and the aspiring prince of royal decidueye, as he slowly learns that the inhabitants of his land want him roasted on a spit. Fall in love with the diverse cast of flawed characters, full of satire and humor. Or enjoy the plot. That works too."

Sonata May 8th, 2017 8:41 PM

These are the first two chapters of a series I had planned to write forever ago and only just got around to starting. The first book is called 'Clara's Wish'. The stories revolve around three individuals who come into possession of a wish granting item.

Spoiler:
1
'In this box, there lies a mysterious object which I received many years ago in my youth from a beggar in exchange for a drink of water. The man warned me that no matter how, when, where or why it might tempt me I mustn't ever place my hand on the object which lay within. Many a time have I opened this box and gazed longingly at the forbidden fruit, but each time that man's voice echoed through my head and I placed the lid back down. It is temptuous, and now that I've passed on I'm afraid I might've missed out on something truly life-changing. Or perhaps, in my final moments I did indeed take a bite of that tantalizingly beautiful apple. Regardless, I am gone now and neither you nor I know of my actions. Instead, I simply leave it to you to do with as you please. But take warning as I did long ago and proceed with caution. Ready yourself for whatever may come from it, and prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. You and this memory are all that I have left in this world. I love you Clara. Take care of yourself.'

The wrinkled old man's face blinked out into blackness as the tape he'd recorded for the girl ended. On the desk in front of her sat a rectangular, ornate wooden box with a metal clasp on each end and a wad of velcro haphazardly wound around it and connecting to nothing. Clara sat with her lips pursed as she shifted her gaze between the box and the man across from her, her palms beginning to sweat due to her nerves. She'd known that her grandfather had been running low on cash, but for such a mysterious thing to truly be all that's left to his name after the bills were paid and all was said and done? What even was in the box that had piqued his interest so but also incited such a fear within him that he had never even ventured to touch it?

"Perhaps, it is a gun?"

The man's voice pulled her from the island of thought that she had drifted off to, nearly forgetting that she was not alone in the room.

"It could be," Clara began, shifting nervously, "he never did care for them. But for someone to be supposedly dying of thirst while they hung on so dearly to a gun, only to trade off for a single drink? That just doesn't add up right. It is killing me though, trying to figure out what's inside here. From the way it sounded, if I even so much as look at the thing I'll want to touch it immediately. Maybe it's best if I just take it to a pawn shop and let them deal with it?"

"Hmm, no, that won't work. The will says you're to open it here and now as a... test of some sort? I have no idea, but that's what it says. Your grandfather specified that you're to either open it before you leave here or it would be boxed and shipped to a museum in Egypt."

"Agh, that old fart. Of course he would. He knows I'm too curious. I'd never be able to live with myself if I let it get away like that. Even if I did leave the room without opening it I'm sure the curiosity would kill me, I'd have the lid popped off before I even got down the hall most likely. Well, suppose I better start on the velcro first then, even if it is just wound around like a dead snake."

"It would be better to open it here anyways." The man rolled his neck from side-to-side, cracking it several times before leaning in towards the box. "If it is something dangerous like he fears, then at least it'll be somewhat contained here."

"Right," Clara replied as her hands began to shake, thinking of all the possibilities. What if there was some sort of bomb inside of the box? What if there was some sort of motion-sensor on the inside that triggered an explosion when the lid was removed? What if the whole video he'd made was just so that he could scare her out of opening it so that someone else would get the blast instead? What if- click.

While lost in her own thoughts, the woman had been absentmindedly undoing the restraints on the box's lid the whole time. The velcro was long gone, a pile of prickly black string on the floor next to her. Now the clasps on each side had been undone, and the lid hovered just above it's perch having been freed from the pressure keeping it compacted. Clara bit her lip as she flipped the clasps down to the side, completely freeing them from the lid of the box.

The two spoke in near unison, "The moment of truth."

2

Within the box, surrounded by wads of cotton and bits of red cloth was a single pearl, a pearl alike any other that you might find around a woman's neck or dangling from her ear. Clara let out a loud sigh and bowed her head.

"Thank God for that."

The man chuckled nervously as he loosened his tie. "Yeah, couldn't get more peaceful than that huh? A pearl, who'd've thought right? Maybe your grandpa really was just crazy after all? Maybe that beggar was just afraid of what might happen if someone found him with a pearl? Guess we'll never know now though."

"True, but I don't think it's all crazy. I mean, it is a nice pearl. It glistens nicely, almost like it was just plucked from the mouth of its clam yesterday. It's almost soothing to look at. Calming. I just feel kind of peaceful now." Clara brought the box up to her face and breathed in slowly through her nose. "It even still smells a little like the ocean." The girl picked the pearl up and then immediately dropped it back into the box before the entire thing fell into the floor at her feet.

A deep and mighty voice boomed through the room, echoing against the walls as all of the lights in the building blew out, the windows shattered and the sky outside darkened.

"You who has awakened me from my hundred year slumber, I have heard your wish and thought hardily on it. However your mind is still uncertain I can see, would this your true wish be? More reflection is required from both parties before a conclusion may be met. Your wish, is being considered."

The entire world seemed to stand still for nearly a minute after. The evening sky slowly recovered its orangish glow, the temperature in the room rose gradualy and the birds outside regained their courage and chirped once more. The other men and women in suits throughout the halls lifted themselves up from their fetal positions on the floors of their offices and began to cautiously go back about their day.

"You... you made a wish? Is that really something that can happen in this world?" The man across from Clara tightened his tie and rubbed the tears from his eyes with the palm of his hand as he sat back in his chair, shaking violently at the fact that the entire world had just nearly crumbled around him only a second ago.

Clara sat frozen in her seat, her hands digging into her knees as the goosebumps covering her body slowly faded away. She shook her head in disbelief. Had she truly made a wish, and was it really possible that she could do so without even recognizing it? Tears began to fill her eyes as she wished for her grandfather to be back, or for anyone at all to be there to help her understand what was going on and help her through this. What did it mean by her wish was being considered anyways? Aren't wishes supposed to just instantly happen?

"I don't think I wished for anything... all I did was touch it. All we were doing was talking. I really don't understand any of this. Did grandpa really never ask that beggar why the pearl was so dangerous? Did he seriously have no clue that it could grant wishes?"

The man across from her coughed into his fist and then began to fold up the will with shaky hands before rising from his seat and walking mechanically over towards the young woman. "The will." The man's eyes slowly traced down to his feet where the box with the pearl was laying now. "And your inheritance." The man placed the letter on the desk in front of Clara and then opened the door to the room. "Our business is complete. Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to call my wife and tell her that I love her before I forget and die in some freak storm."

Clara retrieved the paper, quickly folding it twice more before putting it into her bra. For several seconds she stared at the box and the pearl which had rolled a few inches away from it due to the drop. She was apprehensive at the thought of touching the pearl again, and now wondered what ever compelled her to touch it in the first place. She scooted the box as close to the pearl as she could without actually touching it and then, after closing her eyes and turning her head away, her hand darted out, quickly snatching up the pearl and dropping it into the basket of cotton within the box. Still wincing in fear at the thought of hearing that terrifying voice so soon, she carefully placed the lid back on the box and latched the sides, rising from her seat and exiting the room without acknowledging the man who'd endured that horror with him, and without him doing the same to her.

Clara walked silently through the hall, the three floors of stairs, the front lobby and then finally the front door without anyone saying so much as a word to, or about, her.

Rockman_24 April 26th, 2018 12:01 PM

Library of Heaven's Path
 
Traversing into another world, Zhang Xuan finds himself becoming an honorable teacher.
Along with his transcension, a mysterious library appears in his mind.
As long as it is something he has seen, regardless of whether it is a human or an object, a book on its weaknesses will be automatically compiled in the library.
Thus, he becomes formidable.

"Emperor Zhuoyang, why do you detest wearing your underwear so much? As an emperor, can't you pay a little more attention to your image?"
"Fairy Linglong, you can always look for me if you find yourself unable to sleep at night. I am skilled in lullabies!"
"And you, Demon Lord Qiankun! Can you cut down on the garlic? Are you trying to kill me with that stench?"

This is an incredible story about teachers and students, grooming and guiding the greatest experts in the world!

Bay April 26th, 2018 9:59 PM

Hi there! So, I'm dropping by to say that previews/excerpts aren't allowed in the main fanfic section. For previews/excerpts they're best posted in the Share Your Writing thread. I'll have to move this for now, but you're always welcome to create another thread and post your full chapter there!

As for the preview itself, to be honest it's hard to tell based on a few lines of dialogue, but it seems your ideas has potential so I look forward to see what you'll do with it!

olderpokemonfan May 29th, 2018 1:51 PM

Where do replies or comments on stories go?

Also, check out this snippet from my fic Pokemon: Escape from Lavender Tower.

Warning: May not be appropriate for all audiences, may have kind of a "horror" vibe to it.

Spoiler:
"Don't try to pick a fight, Jess, you'll lose, maybe more than the battle."

The figure disappeared briefly.

"You're not James! What's going on?" Jessie shouted to an empty van.

The figure popped back up beside her.

"How perceptive of you! It only took your about three hours to figure this out! Had I wanted to, I could have run this van off of the nearby cliff, drowned you in the frozen waters, or just let your drive yourself mad with fear."

"Gorgheist!"

Jessie spoke in stifled words as cold shivers of fear paralyzed her.

"Oh, you have every reason to be afraid, but imagine how the poor Cubone felt when it had to come back to the bloody and mangled corpse of its mother."

"What...is...this...about? Who are you?"

Jessie's inquiry was met by piercing self-righteous laughter.

"Oh, not who my dear, what?"

"Okay, what are you, then?"

Suddenly, Jessie felt the van shaking and moving. She looked out the window to see that it was several hundred feet in the air.

Just then, Mimikyu came out of its pokeball.


"Oh, you've decided to bring another ghost type to the party! I guess those are the only kinds a Rocket would be able to keep in her party."

"Mimikyu!" Mimikyu shouted.

"Geist..." Jessie's Gorgheist let out a low growl. She had never seen it behave like this.

The figure let out a laugh.

"Mimikyu!"

"Gorgheist, gorg!"

"Oh, your Pokemon want to rescue you; how cute; I'm sure that's more than you would ever do for them," the figure said in a mocking tone.

The figure leaned over to Jessie and whispered menacingly.


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